Quitting Corporate with ADHD | Expectation vs Reality

You're listening to the Heart Led Soul Fed Show. I'm Christine J Gold, and today I'm talking about what quitting your corporate job actually feels like when you have ADHD. Not the Instagram version, the real version. So, I want to talk about a little bit of my experience back in 2017. The parking garage, the diagnosis, the truth nobody talks about. Yeah, that moment, um, where I was fired, um, I was totally overwhelmed. I felt like I was having a panic attack. Um, 20 minutes of crying, just totally overwhelmed. Like, what am I gonna do? I don't have a paycheck. I don't have a job. The shame, the guilt, the fear, all of it. It was very overwhelming. It I felt like I was alone, but I was also in a crowd, if that makes sense. And the words that they used for me, that I was too much, I'm too sensitive, I'm too emotional, had opinions, I always had a better way of doing things. I mean, with ADHD, you have that big picture thinking. Now I'm going to go back to like a month ago when I had Dr. Temple Grandin on my show and she talked about how there's 3 different thinkers in the world and they're not all mathematicians and we need those 3 types. And I, when I heard the visual thinking piece where yes, everything for me is clairvoyance, I, I see it, I can visualize it where a lot of people are like, I have no idea what you're talking about. I need— I have to verbalize, or I have to mathematize. Is that a— is that an actual word? I don't know, you tell me. Anyways, um, the particular cruelty of being fired for who I am, not what I did. Remember that piece— who you are and not what you did. Now maybe because it's a toxic environment, you have a toxic boss, it's very cliquey, whatever it happens to be, you maybe don't go to work as often as you should. Your mental health is in the shitter. And nobody seems to care even though they have a corporate wellness program or an employee wellness program, whatever that means, it really goes back to the CEO of the company. It really goes back to the owner of the company. Do they actually walk the walk and talk the talk? 9 times out of 10, they don't. Now, maybe you can tell me you have, you work at an amazing place. I would love to know. So what happened after the parking garage? Lots. Really depression, anxiety, drinking. Oh my God. Overeating. Oh my God. Isolating. You know, there was a lot of shame in that as well. A lot of shame. Oh, hello. We have a new subscriber from upstate New York. Well, thank you and happy Friday to you. Appreciate you. And really, it's like that movie. I mean, I was talking to my son last night and he's like, I watched that movie, Everything All at Once. I think that's what it's called. But he said he took notes and he absolutely loved it. Well, for me, when I tried to watch it, it was absolutely overwhelming and I totally shut down after 10 minutes. It was too much for me. Um, and that's sensory overload. And I understand what the director was trying to do in that movie. For me at the time, not. Maybe I might go back, I don't know. So all of this happening all at once and nobody knowing, nobody knowing what depression actually looks like day to day. It, it's different for everybody. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and honestly ride that roller coaster to the best of your ability. When you're in the, in the valley, in the, in the lows, be low. Take care of yourself. Do absolutely nothing. Do the minimum. And when you're high— and I'm not saying high as a kite like drug-wise— but when you're feeling good, I find I can get a lot more done. Now, when we push ourselves when we're in our low point, that is not Good. You're basically telling yourself that you don't have permission to rest. You don't have permission to be worthy. You don't have permission to just say, you know what, today I just cannot adult. Okay? And some depression is manic and some depression is seasonal. There are so many different types of depression. But what does depression mean? Thank you, Dr. Gabor Maté. I've read all his books. I even did a podcast episode on the beautiful man and the beautiful work that he does. Depressed means your state, your soul is pressed down. You are suppressing who you are because you're not allowed to be you. That's what that means. And actually, I feel it's a beautiful signal that says you're going the wrong way. Quit knocking on the door that closed because there's a thousand more for you the other way. And rejection is God's protection. Go this way, to the left, to the left. Isn't that what Beyoncé says? Hello. Um, I like to use musical analogies. And then the drinking. Nothing dramatic, although sometimes it was, especially on the weekends, and I felt absolutely just awful on Monday. Just enough to take the edge off. What do they say about drinking? It's the problem and the solution. Well, you know what, I don't want either one. I'm going to meet myself in the middle. I have been almost sober for 5 years. And alcohol is the most socially accepted drug in the world. Truly is. And then there's the overeating. Comfort disguised as punishment. I'm eating my emotions. Ha ha ha. Well, there's— that is real. There also may be some mineral deficiencies going on in your body. So I would recommend talking to your doctor about that as well. Working with a team, a holistic team, very important. And then the isolation, canceling plans, going quiet, the performance of fine that ran alongside all of it. I don't no longer ask people, how are you doing? How was your day? What are your plans for the weekend? Screw that. I'm saying like, what's going on with you in real time? What is a win for you this week? What's a loss for you this week? What are you struggling with this week? What do you— do you need support this week? How can you support yourself this week? That's really— those are the inquiries that need to happen and allowing yourself to maybe not even know. Oh, but the ego wants to know everything. Screw that. Again, you're putting yourself into critic mode, and in the world of critics, we don't need any more. The performance of, like I said, fine, Everybody's like, fine, I'm good, but actually they're probably really struggling and having a really crap day. I see it, I feel it, especially taking public transit. There are so many people asleep, so many people hurting, so many people grieving, so many people triggered. So I want to talk about my recent ADHD diagnosis at 52. It started with my doctor, took out the paper, check, check, check, oh wow, you're really high. I'm like, yeah, I kind of figured so. Well, what led you to this? Well, my sister has it and it tends to run in the family. My mom was not diagnosed, however, we suspect it started with my mom. Right? And I laughed instead of crying because it was explained. Everything made sense now. Going through 30 different jobs, the being fired, the exhaustion, the corporate misfit feeling that followed me my whole life, and not just in corporate, my whole life. In school, even when I was a child, watching adults as they tell you things and you, you know they're lying and they're full of it. But anyways, and I actually heard someone the other day say, oh, kids are dumb. I'm like, no, actually they're way smarter than you are. And same with animals. Anyways, so my life made sense in a single sentence. No, I'm not labels. But the more you get to understand who you are as a spiritual being having a human experience and the specific ways corporate environments are designed, like the system, the school, the college, the systems, they're designed against your brilliance, your ADHD brains, your autism. And then there was the grief of the late diagnosis alongside the relief. Grief and relief. Wow. There's a— There's a model right there. And why? Because most studies were done on boys, on men. Oh, he's so hyper, he's so hyper, la la, he can't focus, he can't focus. Oh, that Christine, she's such a daydreamer. Hmm, it was more than that. School, I totally checked out. So what quitting actually did to my ADHD brain, the swinging between hyperfocus and paralysis. Sometimes in the same afternoon. And really, this is— let's be honest, nobody talks about that. Freedom without structure is terrifying for an ADHD brain that has spent 20 years using external deadlines to function. And here's the keyword: deadline, dead. You're dead. You killed yourself for a company, and what do you get? Here's your pink slip. Here's your 25-cent raise. Screw that. While you're making billions, screw that. So I'm going to riff on more hyperfocus episodes and building entire frameworks in 6 hours. There were paralysis days where I couldn't open a laptop. I couldn't do anything. I think, what do they call that? Um, just vegging out on the couch or whatever. You just don't do anything. The blank canvas of total autonomy. Like, what? Where am I going? What am I doing? Um, the first 90 days: messy, nonlinear, brilliant, awful, all at the same time. And why this is not failure— this is ADHD entrepreneurship, and not the crap that you see on TV like Dragon's Den and Shark Tank, where you're, you're stepping on people and you're making billions and you're Jeff Bezos and No, none of that. We see that. That's a— that it will not sustain. You are destroying everything. So what do I know now that I didn't know then? This: ADHD. This: highly empathic, highly psychic, intuitive. And we all are. And you don't just need a business plan, people. You need a nervous system plan. That's why somatic nervous system, breathwork, mindfulness— all of a sudden spirituality is all the rage. We'll see how long that lasts because it takes work. You have to do it every day. Buddha, chop wood, carry water. Not just when you feel like it or when you're feeling spiritual or you have toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing. I'm sorry, that does not work. That does not sustain. And quitting with an ADHD brain is different. It requires a container built for your actual brain, not a neurotypical productivity system. So there is a difference. And why I built the first 111 Sanctuary, the Soul Healer Sanctuary, is specifically for this brain and what's possible when you stop building a life for someone else's neurology. So thank you for being here. If this episode hit home, The full essay is on my Substack. The link will be in the show notes. Subscribe free at christinejgold.substack.com, and I will see you next week. And really, if you're ready to stop surviving corporate and start building your healing business, applications are open. Thank you so much for being here. I'm sending you lots of love, and until next time. Exit the circus and build the sanctuary. Bye!