Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom

Welcome, beautiful souls, to Season 4 Heart-Led Soul-Fed Podcast. This is a show that explores how we spiritually and practically embody a life that's heart-led and soul-fed. Many of you know I went whole food plant-based faced almost a year and a half ago, and part of that is incorporating a strong, healthy mind, body, and soul. So upgrade your body with nutrient-dense supplements that are organic, non-GMO, and not tested on animals. Message me for your $25 gift card. 360-degree wellness begins by building a Self-care kit. You can begin that with a dream journal that I curated, a gratitude journal, and my book Intuition Saved My Life, plus lots of other beautiful heart-centered conscious products. Do you have a toxic family or have you survived one? This episode is so important because it's something I have experienced, my clients have recovered from, and my guest has written a memoir about. Episode 250 welcomes Christine J Gold. She's an author, consultant, and coach. Her journey began early in a chaotic and challenging home, and she left the morning after high school graduation. Her memoir, Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom, is the trajectory of her journey. I guide empaths and old souls to overcome anxiety, unworthiness, and overwhelm to unleash their gifts and find their purpose. The Ultimate in Transformation is now open. Unleash Your Magic mentorship. Isn't it time you followed your dreams? Unleash Your Purpose is one year of the ultimate transformation within a group experience. Isn't it time to love yourself? Looking for your soul tribe? Well, you found the place. Our Soul Healers Community is welcoming you on the path towards your best life in this lifetime. Learn how to heal with Usui Reiki. I teach Level 1, 2, and Master, as well as Animal Reiki. Replays can be found anywhere you watch your favorite videos or listen to your favorite podcast. Please like, subscribe, and follow, and join us live every Wednesday, 3 PM Mountain. And to find the latest and greatest events, happenings, contests, and more, check out my new website, Christine J Gold. That's right, uh, we are starting an hour later, but hey, it's all good. Come on in, come on in, whether you're live watching us right now, listening to us, or on the replay, uh, we welcome you in. And this is a topic that keeps coming up, uh, in fact it came up today. But that's for another show. So we're going to be talking about toxic family, toxic anything. I mean, if you guys are doing the work, you're here, you're listening, you're watching, I'm sure you've had this happen already, or you're going through this, or it just, it keeps coming up. It's like, oh really, you thought you healed that? Watch this. Or really, you know, it's really just a You're, you're just remembering who you are, your strengths. And as Joyce Meyer, uh, you know, said wonderfully, uh, about being pitiful but you can't be powerful. So, you know, you move in a process where you feel like you're a victim or you're a survivor, but eventually you move into thriving and empowering yourself and then helping others do the very same thing. So I'm excited to bring on our guest. Uh, welcome, welcome to the show, Sue. Susan. And, uh, yeah, thank you so much. Let us know where you are in the world. I'm in Calgary.

And I'm in northwest rural Montana. I think I have a 4-mile walk, Christine, to get to Canada, but it'd be a longer walk to get to Calgary for sure.

And Montana is beautiful, you know. I, uh, I've been there quite a few times, and, you know, I think of it as, as God's country. As well. So it just has that, that feeling.

I think it's beautiful to be in your presence today, and I'm just profoundly grateful for the amount of production value and the quality and the care that you deliver your audience. And 250 episodes and counting is quite astounding. That is a huge achievement. So I just want to congratulate you.

Thank you. I need like some clapping, you know, you have that, that fake audience clap. Yay! No, Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Not many show appreciation for what I do, and it's funny, and, and I really do appreciate it. I actually, uh, sent someone appreciation earlier today, so that's a beautiful thing to do for someone.

It comes from my heart, and believe me, it took me a minute to figure out where my heart was on this earthly journey. Kind of got lost there on the side.

Yeah, no, I, I, yeah, I totally get it. So maybe you want to talk about like you— some of you, a lot of your story. I mean, I haven't read your book, I'd love to read it, but just the part where you said you left after graduation, I was like, me too, except I didn't graduate, I just left.

So I thought about it. Yeah, I thought about it. You were really super brave. I was plotting and planning but felt I needed to have that diploma and then needed to go on to college. But I couldn't— I couldn't wait to get out. And then as it approached, I got even more frightened to leave. Um, but it was necessary for sure. It was a very unstable platform. I mean, my parents did the best they could. My dad's a genius astrophysicist, and while he was a lot of fun, he was also popping the cork to the whiskey bottle at 7:30 AM. And you'd hear glug, glug, glug, glug. And my mom soothed with food. She was a compulsive overeater, and back then they prescribed diet pills, which were pure speed. Oh, so basically being raised by an alcoholic and a speed freak. My dad also had a little issue with womanizing and narcissism, which I saw in hindsight. And my mom had a bit of a mental health issue. She could be so loving, Christine, but then she'd switch on a dime and, you know, just beat you until the room was spinning and you'd see brown.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I, um, and I know that there's other people out there that maybe, you know, they're going through something similar or not, but the more that we share, that you're sharing, you're going to empower someone to go Okay, I'm not alone, and maybe give people tools. Is that the reason why you wrote the memoir?

Well, to tell you the truth, I had an Irish seer tell me in 2007 I had a book to write, and I thought, oh, fluff you. I shoved that under the carpet so hard. I wasn't gonna go through that. And then I had two intuitives tell me back to back, and the third one said, you've got three books to write. So I thought, okay, I better get this process going before there's some kind of library that I'm responsible for. But honestly, you know, I didn't think my story was that special. Um, but I know that I had traversed a lot and stood up to a lot and had a really interesting professional career. Um, so I felt like, yeah, you know what? I don't want to leave this earth without kind of leaving some kind of legacy behind and maybe it will help someone. So I started by sitting at my computer 15 minutes a day, whether I had something to write or not. Which is a little punishing, maybe a little brutal, but I was determined. And it gave me a first pass at a manuscript. But then a mentor said, you know, why don't you go back and go through it from little Susie's point of view, that one inside your heart that's brutally walked through the paces with you? And that made a lot of sense. It's, it's not so much that the black and white on the page changed, but what changed was my connection to the story. And that's really how I garnered compassion for my own being. As an empath, it's really easy to suck it up for other people and, and take it all on. But when it comes to myself, you know, it's just stand up, put your big girl pants on, and walk one foot at a time. But now I have a lot more respect um, for myself and, and this earthly journey that we're here walking.

Yeah, and everybody's path is different. However, I'm sure many of us have felt the, the vibes, the energy, the toxicity, the collective, whatever's going on. I mean, we were just talking about that before getting on, you know, um, and everything is shifting so quickly, so fast.

It's, it's so wonderful to be in your company today because I don't know that, that a lot of us are hip to it. I think your listeners certainly are, and the people drawn to your work would be. But, you know, I think it would be even more difficult to, to really be in the dark and still asleep to that. And I agree with you, the, the frequencies are getting more intense, the light is getting more intense. Um, the energies and the shifting. And I know, like, we're on a better trajectory, but it's a little shaky, um, feeling it and being cognizant and not really being certain of where am I today and, and what purpose and meaning am I bringing forward and how does this all fit together and And what's it going to look like? And where are we going to be? But I just keep breathing and, and trust and, and know I am definitely here with purpose. I could have exited so many times.

Hmm. You, did you want to talk about that? The exits?

Well, I think the first one was when I was 6. I was sitting on the floor in our kitchen in front of a cabinet. And it's where my mom kept all the pots and pans and, and the knives in the block. And I took out one of those knives that was used to, to cut the meat. And I remember looking at the blade, fascinated, and just thinking, you know, if you could just put this through your chest, it would go into your heart and this would all be over.

And what a thing for a 6-year-old to imagine. But clearly, you know, you're, you're much older than 6, but continue.

I heard my mom thunder from the hallway, Susie, what are you doing in there? And I just slammed that knife back in, shut the doors. You know, suicidal, suicidal impulses, clinical depression, it was something that, that I really had to confront and, and face. And, um, it's— it goes back in the lineage. Um, we haven't had any suicides as far as I, I understand, other than people drinking themselves to death.

We, we share that as well in our family. You bet. I've seen videos where they're rolling in the garden. I'm like, what is going on here? Like movies, you know, the black and whites. I'm like— anyways, go continue. Wow.

Yeah, I think, you know, one of the most tangibles was I was in the middle of a business deal. I was in New York, I was brokering talent for a big corporate event down in Texas, and I was contracting both sides. So I was in the middle of two parties, and I was in the middle of two parties in my home growing up. I think I was— how old was I? I was 8. And my sister and I slept in bunk beds. She was on the top, I was on the bottom. It was probably about 11:30 at night. I heard my parents screaming outside my door. My dad was out there, my mom was on her knees begging for her life, and she, she was asking my dad, please don't kill her. And instead of staying frozen in the bed, I got up and I opened the door, and I saw my dad with his hands up over his head, and I saw the knife in his hands, and he was obviously drunk, and my mom on the ground on her knees. And I just screamed, stop! And the room went black, and I collapsed. I fainted. And this business deal pulled up that PTSD, that memory. I was right back there. And I went into a depression, and I split out of my body. And thank God I had really supportive friends, and I got to a treatment center, and They taught me what clinical depression was, and it was a, it was a 10-year period really learning how to cope and how to deal with it. I did take medication off and on during that 10-year period, and I'm grateful that I don't have to utilize medication today, but it did help me back then. And I really learned the steps. So when I got depressed after that, um, I knew when I was in danger. I knew when to, to ask for help and shift the scenario, so to speak.

Wow, thank you. Thank you for sharing so honestly and vividly. I mean, I did remember reading the— I believe it's a little excerpt from your book, and when you were— the audio I was listening to it, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I'm like, this sounds like a movie. How, how could a 6-year-old endure that or go through that? Um, but I, I don't know if you're familiar with Dr. Gabor Maté's work. I mean, really, trauma is all, you know, it's— addiction is all rooted in trauma, and trauma is why we're here. We're here to heal all of that. And the fact that you talked about clinical depression, I can definitely relate to. And, you know, he talks about all these mental health conditions, ADHD, ADHD, ADD, autism, all of that. And he says it is— it's like, um, because we're suppressing everything, or we have checked out, and that's how we do to survive.

Yeah, yeah, I, I love his work, and I want to say that was really important for me to get the storyline, my narrative down, and verbally. So the traditional therapy, yeah, that was helpful to get the storyline down. But as I continued talk therapy, it only served to re-traumatize me, and I actually found myself back at square one. And this was after decades of that work. So what really helped was the somatic work, really going into my body where I held that trauma and releasing those pockets and shifting on a cellular level and shifting the neural pathways. So that's where I got the most relief and the most profound change.

I, I would agree because I've done, I've done it all, like Terry Clark says, you know. I've taken the medication, I've did all the years of counseling, I went through every addiction possible, you know. I've done it all. Anyways, I like to, yeah, I like to put some humor into it because why not, you know. Um, I can't remember who sings the song, uh, Beer Is Cold and People Are Crazy. I don't drink beer anymore, but yeah, anyways, we're all just trying our best with what we have is basically what I'm saying. And humor really lightens, uh, everything and enlightens as well. Um, so I really appreciate you talking about the somatic piece because that's a lot of the work that I do with my clients as well. Um, it's really because everything is held in the body, right? So talking about is only one— is, is here, but there's no connection to the heart, like the head-the-heart disconnect. So then we, as women, I'm sure you know, we like to put things in boxes and tuck them away.

I had so many compartments constructed in there. They were all filed A to Z so, so beautifully. Yeah, until they exploded.

Yeah, yeah. And I, and I used to think, you know, you had to hit rock bottom, but as, as, uh, Dr. Mate says, he says heroin addicts have hit rock bottom how many times and they still use. So I'm like, oh my God, you're right. Yes. Okay, light bulb. Um, we don't need to hit rock bottom to, to heal, to recover. We just need people like yourself, you know, and, and the tools. Uh, I, I also feel there is a, uh, you need to be ready, do you not?

Oh, absolutely, Christine. Like You have no idea how grateful I am for this conversation. You brought to mind a dear friend of mine who— she wasn't ready. She couldn't break the addiction. She was in a horribly abusive relationship, and it was the night of my son's 9th birthday, and her children were like my own children. They were two twins, a boy and a girl.

Hmm.

They didn't show for the party, and I got a call from a fellow friend asking, could, could I pick the children up? They were waiting to be picked up and they didn't know where their mom was. And she was murdered by their father that day because she couldn't escape. She couldn't say no. And we're so blessed. And, you know, I believe, I believe she did her best. I believe that she took that final action to, to help her twins, her children, from the other side, you know, like a beautiful lioness. And I believe she's helping them now so beautifully. And she was so brave, but she was— she felt boxed into a corner. And she talked about—

interesting you say that because I've seen this fighter. Well, the fists were up. Fighter.

So you're, you're spot on, Christine. You're not a psychic and a medium for nothing. Her estranged husband was a professional boxer.

Oh my goodness. So how can you— how could you win that? Or how could you overcome that? It was like you were living with a police officer, you know, where you watch those shows where the wife's abused but he's a cop so no one talks about it. And there was no way out. That's what I heard. There was no— that was my way out. And I'm— oh wow, that's really heavy.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm so sorry for, for your, you know, your loss. And, um, but you talking about her will help somebody else. And how are the twins?

They are so beautiful, the, the roles their souls took on, and they're so inspiring. I actually thank the, the girl twin. I thank her in my book. She was so encouraging. She read the early chapters and she really encouraged encouraged me to, to keep on. She's exquisite.

Is she wanting to create or write or something? That's what I'm saying.

I so hope so. She's so gifted, Christine. Brilliant, brilliant. She got accepted into most any college she wanted to go into, but I just— my hope for her is that she treats herself with, with kindness.

Absolutely, absolutely. And, and knowing your worth and your power and, and boundaries, right? And, and really, I mean, you do the somatic work, so trusting your spidey senses. Like, if your gut feels off, run. Like, don't second-guess it. Don't— oh, I can fix him or her, I can change them. Gosh, yeah, yeah. No, I, I understand it's a— that's a cycle, the cycle of abuse. And it could be physical, it's the— and you know, the mental stuff that you can't see those scars, right? So no.

I love the title of your podcast, by the way. And I, I'm not, I'm not changing the, the conversation. No, I'm comfortable. I I just so loved it. Like, when I first saw it, I was like, heart-led. It's just so exquisite and such a privilege to be connected to my own heart because the layers of black tar and shellac and sticky glue that were, were over that thing— oh my gosh— and how I was trying to press through it all with, you know, endurance sport and marathons and perfectionism and, and just to, to drop it all now and like literally understand that little piece of soul I brought along inside that heart leading me. And I just, I love the title of your podcast. I'm so drawn to it.

Well, thank you. I, I really, I really do appreciate it. It's been an evolution. Uh, it started with The Power of Healing Your Energy, because that's where I started, you know. And now I'm like, it's everything. If your heart is— like, I love yoga for that very reason, because there's a lot of heart-opening poses. And who doesn't love to lead with their heart? That's everything. Whereas we were told to lead with the, the head, and it's—

no.

No, that's why we're here. That's why we're in such a beautiful— I wanted to say disaster, but mess, you know, however you look at it, however you feel it. It's the heart. I mean, that's why there's HeartMath. Um, it's been proven the heart is, is, you know, the bigger, the more dominant than the brain. But we always talk about the brain and, you know, science and, and neuro this and that, and it's like, okay, hold on a minute. How about we just go to the heart? It's so easy.

Anyways, yeah, I do wonder how we got trained out of that. I find it fascinating, but I guess that's another topic.

Oh yeah, like the mystics. Like, I follow Carolyn Miss, she talks about seers and mystics and wizards and witches. Well, they, they knew everything. And that's why they were destroyed, just like the Native Americans. Yes, exactly. They knew way more than— yeah, exactly. And now there's the reconciliation, reclamation. I'm all for that, believe me. Um, and, and that's part of really stepping into our authenticity and who we truly are at a soul level and why we're here, and heaven is on earth. And, um, it's time to really live your dreams and live like you're dying because you're not guaranteed tomorrow. No.

So isn't that interesting? We all, we all tend to think differently, but I have a friend who says that often. Yeah, you just never know when your real exit point is. And this is a time— I mean, every morning I ask Christine, I want to experience heaven on earth today, please. Every day I get it. I get a piece of it. I taste it some days more than others. But what a blissful way to be authentically.

It is. And it's not all rainbows and unicorns because lightworkers— light work is work. And I had someone go, no, that's not true. I'm like, really?

I want to know what, what brand of light work they're doing.

Exactly. So you're telling me that you float on like rainbow clouds all day and, you know, your gas, your bills are paid, it's all done magically? I mean, there is a part of the manifestation, the abundance and all that, but physical spirituality, phys— you know, practical. I, I lived in the woo, the Wooniverse. I mean, it's fun, but you also need the grounded piece to meet yourself in the heart, and that's why the heart is everything. So because you marry both, both, instead of not this side or that side, yin or yang, it's both equal.

Did you come in as a teacher, or have you sort of evolved into a teacher? Because you're a natural. It's just, it's so lovely.

Oh, thank you. Um, honestly, I'm pretty sure I've been teaching people since I was born. Um, I just didn't know my worth. I didn't know my power. I, I let other people be the authority, right? Adults, because they were adults, right? But my body, the energy didn't match. I'm like, you're lying. And then I'd hang out with animals all the time and hug trees and make mud pies, you know, all those fun things, right? Just creating and Yeah, uh, that's really why I'm here. I mean, not to be on a soapbox, but to share, and for somebody to feel empowered to go, oh my God, gobsmacked, I'm so freaking powerful, I haven't— I forgot. Oops. That's it. And thank you. Wow, thank you for all the beautiful appreciation, and I, I'm, I'm touched. I really am. I really am. Um, so what— your, your book. So you've got one book. You said you have three. Do you have an idea of what the other two are?

Well, the second one is, is just in process. That, that intuitive voice has been niggling at me, I'd say, probably 3 and a half weeks now. And so I know it's coming, and I'm just allowing it to come. I'm, I'm making notes, making scribbles here and there, um, really trying to feel through what the topic's going to be. And, and this time it's almost not with mission. I mean, last time I was, I was a neophyte. I had no idea. It was probably that way for you too.

Yes, absolutely. The first book is almost like a I don't want to say verbal diarrhea, but that's funny I say that. It's just a little— I have to get it out. Here it is. Like, this is— this has been permeating for, well, since I've been here, right? Yeah, I get it.

So hopefully the second one comes in in a different way and is a different process, um, and I'm just really open to it. I know I have to do the legwork, but I'm just open to, you know, how I can best serve and, and what the messaging is going to be. And I'll just stand back.

Mm-hmm.

Until it's clear.

Yeah. And do you have moments where you're writing and it's just like, it just word— it just flows for days or hours? And then there's other times you're like, nothing's happening here.

Christine, I, I so wish it was like that. It would, it would be a lot easier if I was a super open channel, but so far I've been like digging in the trench and doing a lot of legwork.

Well, maybe we can work, we can work together. You just never know. Um, I, I do a lot of— I, I have done a workshop on channeling and intuitive writing, so, because it's near and dear to my heart, I'm always writing. Even when I do my readings and healings, I'm right Here I go with the symbols. I, I, yeah, uh, I'm always drawing.

Tell me about, tell me about the symbols. I want to hear.

Did you, um, I'm pretty sure it's linked back to like a star system. I'm, I'm part of a few star systems, but definitely Atlantis. That's why I'm very, um, aware of artificial intelligence and how we have to balance it. But the symbols are part of the Reiki. And that's back to the Japanese lineage. I have a past life there as well. Um, so I, I— there's power in, in symbols and sacred geometry, and the power obviously of your word or words, whether it's on paper or whether it's spoken or it's sung. Um, but it's, you know, symbols again It's— I think of a wizard, you know, they've got the wand, or even Harry Potter, right? The intention's there, the energy's there, and then the word comes behind it. It's very powerful. Um, anyways, so, uh, I, uh, Gitte has joined us. Oh, well, thank you. She says you're also so inspiring, Christine. Thanks, Gitte, for joining us from Denmark. I believe it's got to be 1 in the morning over there. My goodness.

Um, so I'm not sleeping either. G'day.

There you go. Is that the age of the Aquarius or the age of our, our journey as a woman right now? A little bit of both, I think so. So your book writing style, for me maybe because I know there's a lot of people out here who love to write or want to know how to write, or I have a book, I don't know what to do. Do you have like any steps? For me, I have like this outline that I do, but is there anything that you wanted to share for, for anybody else?

Well, it did help to be so didactic and so sort of disciplined initially. I don't think that I would do that for my second book. Now I'm in a place where if I do write, it's because I'm, I'm excited about it. I want to, I want to do the exploration. But initially, to get to, to birth that first book, I sort of had to be very disciplined about it. So, um, and I don't think that there's one process that works for everyone. And I did ask for help. I asked for people to do early reads in chapters. And then ultimately I sent it to a friend. I was going to self-publish, but I sent it to a friend and she's a big publisher. She's like a New York Times bestselling publisher. And she was a former producing partner and she read it in 6 hours. She couldn't put it down. And she said, I'll publish it. Let me publish it.

I'm like, okay, that's wonderful that the universe lined all that up for you. That's, that's amazing.

Yeah, that universe is pretty powerful when I step back and drop the reins.

Wow, wow. Yeah, and that, that's part of it, like surrender and just be open not to, well, how's it going to happen and when and who, what— no, stop. That's how you talk yourself out of everything that you you want. And it's not physical things either, it's the feeling behind it.

Yeah, I think, I think too, I, I reached out for some professional help, and I'm, I'm not saying that it was not worth it. It was worth it. And these were some people that worked with some pretty heavy-hitting authors in the spirituality sort of niche, but ultimately didn't really understand my mission. And this book is more of an activation. Like, people are different from the beginning of the read to the end of the read, and they didn't really understand, like, mixing a memoir slash self-help. And now I understand it's becoming a bit of a category, and I'm grateful that I was able to put practical exercises in the appendix that helped me, even though I thought, oh, everybody knows this. Well, don't judge it. Everybody doesn't know it, and it's actually helping people transform. So that's the other piece of advice: don't judge.

Yeah, no, I love that. Funny, our books are very similar— memoir with, at the end of each chapter, there's— I call it soul work. So you can actually integrate what you, you're reading and not just go, oh, that was nice, or that was really harsh. What do you do with that, right? You got to do something with it.

You put it up on the shelf.

Oh yeah, and Gitae is just saying go with the flow. Yeah, like water. The water sees a rock in the river, it doesn't go, oh shoot, I can't go that way. It just goes.

That's beautiful.

Uh, so anyone who's watching or listening, even if it's on the replay, leave your questions here. Ask your questions, share your experiences with toxic family, with narcissists. Um, yeah, I'll throw in sociopath and psychopaths. And, um, and I mean, they're, they're everywhere, especially in the, in the corporate and the religious and the governments. And that's where I'm going to leave that. So, um, yeah, we'd love to help you with that. Uh, I just know that you're not alone. Um, so when you left home after you graduated, what, what happened for you? What, what happened to your mom and dad? What happened to the family?

So it was odd. My parents divorced when I was— I think I was in 5th grade, and my father lived outside the home for 2 years and then moved back in, um, until I think I was in 11th grade. So my father wasn't in the house. It was, it was my mother. I think he lived 4 blocks in the other direction. Honestly, there was no real detachment. The strings were still intact. Um, You know, it was quarter to 8 in the morning. I was grateful I didn't have to say goodbye because my mother was sleeping and so were my two younger brothers that were still living in our home at the time. And I went to the Jersey Shore and I worked there for the summer, and my sister was there with her roommates from college. So it was sort of a softer landing pad. And then I went to college, and sophomore year, a woman who had been an alumni came through to give a lecture about arts management, and that's what she was doing in New York City. So I wrote her from the beach that summer, and I said, I want to come next summer to intern from you— for you. Will you have me? And she said, you'll come this winter. We need you now. There's a Broadway season going on. We need your help. And I was 19, living in Greenwich Village on my own, sort of exploring and opening up to the city, and then went immediately after college. So I was brazen. I, I didn't know who I was, what I was doing. I was like a chameleon, but I knew I was— I had purpose and I had focus, and I knew I was gonna make it, whatever that meant.

You had grit. I like that word.

Oh, I love that word too, especially the T. It feels really good.

Yeah, because you, you know, in, in anything, you know, uh, grit, perseverance. I remember I was called Miss, um, Persistent in sales because, yeah, like a dog with a bone, I tell you. No one, you know, find a way. Yeah, like I've seen this little girl and, um, the, the dad is like, oh no, you can't do that. And he was kind of doing reverse psychology and she goes 'Just watch me.' And I'm like, 'Yes, that's the attitude we need.' Yeah, that was, that was me for sure.

My dad used to throw me up really high when he'd get in. I was about 4, and he'd throw me up in the air and he'd scream, 'Are you a tiger or a baby?' Oh wow, I'm a tiger.

Oh my goodness.

Which had its pluses. And its minuses.

Yeah, I, I get that. I do, I do. Um, always love tigers, you know, like one of my favorite animals.

Have you been close to one, Christine?

Actually, I was. I had— back in the day when we were kids, we went to West Edmonton Mall. I don't know if you're familiar with that mall. Uh, it's kind of like the Mall of America. It's a big mall. Um, we were— we had our pictures with tigers. They had tigers and baby tigers, like cubs. We would never do that now, but back then it was a thing. But, uh, to witness them in the wild, no, I would absolutely love to.

So graceful, so majestic, but so freaking powerful. Yeah. Oh my God.

Yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. So, um, have— like, you, you're out surviving on your own, and you, you said Jersey. I have friends in Jersey as well. I have some friends in New York. But, um, funny enough, there was— I caught a PBS special last night. I normally don't watch cable, but it was about Carole King. Oh wow, what a story. What a story. And her music, and I'm like, wow, you know, I was born in the early '70s, but it just— I don't know, it just really touched me. Her spirit, her songwriting, her voice. I never really experienced Carole King that way, I guess, is what I'm saying.

Yeah, she's, she's one of us, definitely. Absolutely.

Yeah.

So, and, and Barbara Walters was one of us. I used to watch her on my beanbag chair in my basement on my belly, and I was like, I want to go to New York City and be like Barbara Walters. And oh wow, I went to New York City. I was working for a really large global talent agency, ICM, and I wasn't making enough money to really live the lifestyle. So I started to personal train, and Barbara became my exercise client, and She too, one of us, like amazing, highly intuitive. I rang her doorbell one morning at 7 AM and she's like, get in here, Susan, what's going on with you?

Oh wow.

And she got it out of me. I'd been sexually harassed in the workplace the day before. She's like, I'm coming with you. I am coming to work with you today and we're going to confront this man together.

I love that because there's strength in numbers and, and together and confronting.

I ended up going myself and confronting him. He promptly fired me. Um, I think I had 2 and a half months of cash in the bank. Barbara offered me a job with her then fiancé to be his assistant, and I said, I'm so grateful, but I can't be an assistant any longer, not after that experience. I opened my own talent brokerage firm.

Oh wow, wow.

And I was really terrified. I was newly sober. I was just out of a really abusive relationship that I was terrified I would go back into. Um, and I knocked on the door of the factory to convince Andy Warhol to do a commercial for Pontiac that he didn't want to do.

Oh my goodness. Wow.

Yeah, oh yeah, the intuition helps.

Oh, it, it's everything. It's who we are, and, and a lot of us have suppressed it, forgotten about it, and that's the work that we're doing is we're here to activate, you know, come on board again. So, um, it looks like, yeah, similar experiences in the workplace, myself included, when you talked about the sexual harassment. Um, and the bullying and the egos. Oh my goodness, um, how everybody was in a competition.

I didn't understand it. Oh my gosh. Well, the same, the same woman that published my book, we were, we were producing partners ultimately, but we met on an Animal Planet show. Oh, and she, yeah, she had come from producing talk television for Geraldo and Maury Povich.

Okay. You know, wow, Maury.

And yeah, and she was tough. She used to like, you know, pre-screen people on the phone. If she didn't get the answer she wants, she'd slam the phone down. And she didn't, she didn't care for animals then. And I was passing along leads to potential guests and she just couldn't figure me out. And today she's, she's helping animal rescue and I don't know how many animals she's rehomed and housed, and she's really— she's awake, she's conscious.

Oh my goodness, that's, that's an amazing transition and shift. I love that, I love that. To make amends, to make— to steer the ship, to make it right. Yeah, wow, wow. Thank you for sharing that. And are you still experiencing narcissists in your life? How did you finally— what was the switch for you, or what happened for you?

Honestly, it was a perfect storm. I had been offered a job in LA, but really I, I went to LA to meet one who I consider my greatest guru, and that was the man who would be my ex-husband. And it was about 13 years into it when I just realized how drained I was. I felt like I was carrying a 250-pound gorilla on my back solo and trying to make him accountable and couldn't and just felt trapped and knew the expiration date was well past its due on that marriage. But finally we went to mediation. I was trying to hammer out a postnuptial agreement to make him accountable, and we got to the last point. And I thought, yay, our marriage is saved! He got— he got those—

I just saw him explode—

those, those cold lizard-like eyes and folded his arms and said, I'm hiring an attorney and I'm filing for divorce. And my angelic voice came over my right shoulder and loud and clear said to me, this is the universe doing for you what that you cannot do for yourself. And it became crystal clear who a narcissist was, and I got crystal clear on how to divorce one. And it was a year and it was excruciating, and it was the lesson I came in for.

Yeah.

And it took every bit of scrap and grit that I had learned, including long-term meditation retreats and silence and holding no eye contact And that's exactly what I had to do a year while he held court in the master bedroom. And I, by choice, was on a mat mattress on the floor in a partial conversion in our garage. And I turned it into a monastery, Christine, and I did the somatic work and I stood up. And when I wanted to be a victim and when I felt the injustice, I wouldn't eat the rat poison expecting him to fall by the wayside. I just kept marching and believed the universe was doing for me what I could not do for myself. And within a calendar year, I could write him the 6-figure check and he could leave on to his next source of supply. But the gift for me was I finally recognized my power, my strength, my ability. I was no longer codependent. I mean, it was since second grade and Billy Fritz. I had to have that male attention, and I didn't any longer. And I had compassion. I had compassion for him because I knew what he was walking into and who he was and the pain of having to survive in that body and walk on earth with that persona. Bless him, and bless him for what he taught me. And he taught me compassion for myself. So that's really what it took for me to wake up to narcissists, narcissism, and narcissistic abuse. So I'm very grateful to see it for what it is and to step sideways in a way instead of through.

Oh, that's beautiful. I— wow, we, we have to talk offline because a very similar story. Very interesting.

Wow.

Okay, um, Gite is saying a beautiful message in a horrible situation. That absolutely is. It reminds me of when Paul got thrown in the prison. You remember the Bible, the Apostle Paul? He could have turned into one of them, whatever that was, but he chose to keep writing and staying in faith and knowing that his breakthrough was coming. His redemption was— your redemption was coming, right? You were building yourself up to when you were free. You absolutely knew it to your every fiber of your being that you were free. You knew what freedom was, and that's a beautiful gift.

Beautiful. I'm so grateful. It feels really, really good. I'm in a new zip code now.

Yeah. And, um, I'm just— what I guess, what would be your message for anyone who's in that type of situation?

Well, first you have to wake up to understanding you are in that type of situation, which very tough in and of itself. But honestly, what I've learned and what I help other people with too is the only thing that works in that situation unfortunately is no contact and modified contact in writing if you have a child only. And that's what I did. And you know, he turned family members against me, but that's saying—

Oh yeah, that's their like number one thing to do.

Yeah, that same uncle, his daughter, my cousin, went through a similar circumstance 2 years later, and he ended up saying to her, whatever Susan did, do, because that worked. And it's, it's excruciating, but it's the only thing that, that actually works. No contact.

I agree. I did the very same thing. Everything we did with email and then eventually became third party because that— this narcissist will try every angle possible to twist you, to mold you, to trigger you, to make you go, oh look, she's going— she's crazy. See, look, see, I was right. I was— anyways, um, I absolutely— yeah, it took many times, but I— we got it. We got it. And I just want to prevent anyone else walking into that situation.

Yeah, I— it was with purpose for me. It was definitely with purpose, just like I was placed smack in the middle of that family that I was raised in. I came with purpose, and the lesson ultimately for me was soul evolution. And I'm grateful that, that I had the players that I did who played the roles they did. I just think next time I'm gonna check out the fine print before I sign off on the contract.

Oh no, don't talk about soul contract. Gite and I, we love to laugh about that one. I didn't get my glasses. What did I sign up for? This family? Are you kidding me? And I'm sure Gite is laughing as well. Yeah, we have a good chuckle and And, and, and we do, and, and we chose it for a reason. Now here's the fun part: do it so well that you don't have to come back and do it again.

I think I got this one this time. I really think I got this one this time.

Anybody else in the comments got it? Yeah, we, we know what a toxic family is, we know what a narcissist is, we have our boundaries in place. We're, we're doing the work and we're saying no more and we're saying no thank you and we're saying not today. And I also heard another term, you can gray rock them because they're looking for a reaction out of you. Even if you do stand up for yourself, it depends. Is it really worth it?

I love that gray rock.

I love that gray rock.

It's genius, Christine. I heard another term, it was yesterday afternoon that I'd never heard. Gush-worthy. And Grey Rock is gush-worthy to me.

Yeah, I believe— I don't— I'm wondering if it was Dr. Northrup. She wrote a book called Energy Vampires, and wow, blew me away. Lisa Romano also does amazing work with narcissistic and codependent toxic relationships. She's another one.

And Melanie Tonya Evans, who Christine adores. Yeah, she's out of Australia. She actually saved my life and has a system that's really incredible.

Yeah, I love that. Yeah, gitte's laughing. She's saying, yeah, the, the little print, the fine print. And she is laughing with us, so this, this is good. We're all in this together. You know, we, we're never alone. Um, it's the ego that likes to tell you you're alone and that you can't do it and that you'll never get out of it. But as we say, you know, they— you know, you got the devil and you got the, the angel on your shoulder. You just go, ping, not today. We're going to, we're going to lean into the light and we're going to be the light and we're going to shine our light unapologetically. I don't really care what you think, or it's none of my business too, as Wayne Dyer says. Because the ego wants to know everything, right?

Gotta love it.

Wow. And I know I, I always ask, uh, these two questions, uh, to my guests. How can we as a collective energy help make your dreams come true? Oh, What's your Moby Dick? What's your big whale dream?

No, just if the collective could just be kind to themselves, that would be my utter bliss, and that would lead to incredible transformation and freedom.

Hmm, I second that. Hear, hear. I know there's thirds and fourths out there. Everyone's We're in this. We've got it. And I also— I know I've asked this already in your forms, but it might have changed— how does magic feel to you? Or what does magic feel to you?

How does that feel? Like heaven. Like serendipity. Like the best version of Peter Pan I've ever seen with 3D glasses.

Oh wow, that's trippy. Literally, that's trippy. Okay, wow. Thank you so much for sharing with us today. I know that, uh, a lot of people will be transformed, and I'm just going to leave your, uh, social, your link, so everyone can find it, even though it is in the comments already, just to make it easier. And you also have a little freebie for people that are joining.

There's a couple freebies, just go to susangold.us and they're all there for you.

Yep, there you go. Wonderful, wonderful. And I, I, I so can't wait. We'll have to do a book exchange, so, um, I read yours, you can read mine. Uh, I mean, just listening to the little excerpt, I was already like, oh, my heart, like, I, I visually saw you as a 6-year-old again, very clairvoyant, obviously. But that's— yeah, the storytelling is, is very good. It hits where it needs to hit, um, and it's going to help a lot of people. So I appreciate that. So yeah, there's, there's the links, there's the freebie, everybody. Uh, here, here. Yes, she's here as well. And anything else you'd like to, uh, to say before we say goodbye?

Ovviamente. I just, I just want to thank you for what you're doing, for the content you're producing, the time, the energy, the finance it takes to get your message out, and for connecting us one soul and one heart at a time. So thank you, Christine.

Oh, thank you very much. You're very, you're very kind, you're very sweet, and, and the work that you're doing— thank you so much for, for being here, like really being here, and Uh, you can feel your presence, and I know a lot of people are going to be drawn to you and want to work. But also, I feel like there's— interesting— more people coming to help you. You have help coming. So, because I'm hearing, yeah, there, there's some help. So we'll talk about that after, but there's help coming. So you must have put something out there. So I'm hearing help, but I want to thank everyone for being here. I'm sending everyone lots of love. Now, when I first started my podcast, The Power of Healing Your Energy, I would say, um, healing begins where the ego ends. 4 years later, I am now saying, let the healing begin. All right, take care everyone. Bye-bye.