Chrystal Evans Hurst answers viewer questions on parenting toddlers, managing emotions with difficult family members, hormonal teenagers, long-distance friendships, guilt, workplace conflict, finding purpose later in life, and transitioning out of ministry. She emphasizes prayer, journaling, counseling, and setting boundaries as practical tools for navigating life's challenges.
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Hi, my name is Chrystal Evans Hurst, y'all, and I am here every week on YouTube and Facebook talking about all the things, but sometimes I'm out of things to talk about. So you know what today is going to be? It's going to be a little Q&A. And before I dive into some of the great questions that my inner circle asked me and that we answered when we recorded live— join the inner circle if you want to be a part of the live audience— before we do that, I just want to tell you, if you're finding me on YouTube for the first time and you like what you hear today, be sure and subscribe to my YouTube channel. If you are finding me on Facebook because somebody shared this video with you and you like what you see, be sure and follow me on Facebook. So that way, whenever I go live, release premieres, share content, you will receive a notification and keep up with me. I'd love to keep up with you. All right, here we go. A little Q&A. Erin Tam says, what did your morning routine look like when you were parenting toddlers? Okay. So my Bible study teacher— so I've always been in somebody's Bible study for the most part. Um, my Bible study teacher, I was in a Bible study for young moms and I was talking to the leader about the season of my life and how I just didn't have time to read. Cause I had these books that I wanted to read about getting your baby to sleep through the night and how to feed your toddler and, you know, teaching your, your young child God's word and the And then I was thinking I was going to homeschool. I had all these books about early childhood development. I mean, you know, I was just trying to read. And she looked at me and she said, Chrystal Hurst, this is not your season of reading. What? She said, this is not your season of reading. This is your season of survival. And then she also encouraged me by saying that God knows that you're in a season of survival. So let's, let's be honest about the season that you're in and know that God has lots of grace for you and you need to give grace for yourself. So in the mornings, quiet time honestly looked like snuggling with my children. That if I wanted to sleep longer, they were going to have to sleep with me. I breastfed them all a long time. My oldest daughter, uh, I think she was like 2 and a half, like old enough for me to look at her and say, that's enough. That's no more. I'm done. This tit belongs to me. Um, my boys were all about 11 months to 14 months, I believe. And so literally like grabbing them and bringing them in the bed with me so we could sleep late and nurse. They could nurse and I could sleep. My quiet times in the morning looked like hold them close and be still as long as you can. I prayed laying down with those babies. I, you know, in the early morning, I, there used to be a TV show. It may even still be in existence. I'm not sure, but they played these landscapes. It's kind of like the Abide app is now. They played these landscapes on this TV channel with scripture overlays and very calming, soothing. That was my middle of the night nurse session. Um, I mean, a shower was a luxury. I would ask my husband, please, can you hold the baby so I can take a shower? But I think when I started getting into a routine, um, the days where I could have a routine, and I gave myself lots of grace for the days I could not, I literally would get up in the morning, and this is what my Bible study teacher told me, and I put that in She's Still There. Stretch your hands to heaven. Tell God that you're thankful for the day. Give him appreciation and thankfulness because you made it another day. Ask him to let you be a conduit of his mercy, his grace, his love, his power, and ask him what's important to him for you today before your feet ever hit the floor. That's like, you know, a 60-second prayer. Scriptures were 3x5 cards with scriptures written on the back, put inside of my kitchen cabinets. Then, you know, just to be inundated by the word all day long. As my children who started Awana, which is a scripture memory program, when they were memorizing scripture at 3 years old, I was memorizing scripture with them. So it was, it was kind of a part of my day, but the rhythm was just getting up, throwing a load of laundry in there, throwing the baby on my back. I had those baby carriers, going out, fixing some breakfast for my older kids, um, sitting everybody around the island so everybody was, you know, there doing Bible while everybody was still. It was kind of centered around my kids, but I gave myself lots of grace in the mornings for doing whatever I could do to just get enough sleep and be functional. So I hope that is helpful. Okay, TJ said, suggestions on how to manage your emotions when dealing with a child who challenges you, a spouse who is contrary, and dealing with the storms of life? Okay, time to myself. That's, that's how I would deal with that. You need time to, to process your emotion, to talk to yourself. Time in the closet, in the bathroom, in the bed, on a drive, on a walk. Literally time to get it out, to pray about it, to say what you wish you could say to the person, but you know it's not gonna be productive. Like just time in sitting in the car. The other night I sat in the car for 90 minutes. I rolled down the window and just sat there for just a second. I wasn't ready to come in. The kids were already, I just knew it was wrong. And I just gave myself a minute. So I think the thing is, what happens when you are bombarded with other inputs of stress relationally, you have to have a way to get that out. So yes to counseling, yes to good talks with girlfriends, yes to journaling. But I find that the way to calm myself, to soothe myself, to identify what's wrong with me, to put words to it, and then to decide what I can do, what is in my power to alter, um, the way I emotionally engage with those people who are challenging is to get by myself. And bring myself to a level of equilibrium where I honor my emotions, my feelings. I, um, I accept me for having them, and then I create my little shield of who I decide I'm going to be when I walk in the house. So if my spouse is grunty, my children are grunty, like, I can literally look at them and be like, I'm, I'm all right. Are you all right? I'm all right. I'm all right. So you may be having issues today. I'm not having issues. And I could look at them having their own little tantrum and just be like, hmm, yeah, that's— you're right, that's a challenge. Well, Mom, you did it. No, no, no, no, that's not my responsibility. So it's me getting by myself to find my inner equilibrium and peace that I decide to hold on to when I walk in the door. It is something I have to continually reach for, which is why being up earlier before my family is super helpful. Um, having a little time to myself is super helpful. And then also making space to be quiet. I go to the room and I'll tell the kids, I need a minute. But Mom, I need a minute. I need a minute. I'll be back. I'll be back with you in just a moment. So anyway, hopefully that is helpful. Arliss Dalton says, "How can you keep your cool with a hormonal teenager?" I've shared this before. If you've been around any length of time, you've probably heard me say this, but I was on an elevator with an older lady. She was, she had to have been at least 70, short, super sweet. She was just making conversation with me and I got on the elevator with younger children. And she said, "Oh, how many children do you have? Is it just these two?" And I said, "No." I said, "I've got 5 children." And she said, "Oh, well, how old is your oldest?" And at the time, my oldest was 14. And she said, "Oh, well, can I give you some advice?" I said, "Sure." She said, "Feel sorry for her." I said, "Excuse me?" She said, "Feel sorry for her. It's much worse for her than it is for you." She said, "And think about it, when you were 14 or 15, did you enjoy your life? And would you want to go back to 14 or 15 and live that over again?" And I was like, "Oh no, mm-mm, mm-mm." She said, "Yeah, it's harder for her than it is for you. Don't take it personal and feel sorry for her." Y'all, I was sorry all the time. Ooh, I'm sorry that you're so upset that you have to clean up your room, but this is the standard. I'm so sorry that you're gonna be grounded for a month, 'But you shouldn't have done what you did.' 'Hmm. Oh yeah, I'm so sorry that you're— that this is what we're having for dinner and you don't like it, but this is what we have on the plate, and this is what you'll be grateful for.' 'I'm so sorry that you don't understand the decisions that I'm making, but you will one day.' I learned— I'm like, I've never forgotten that advice, and I have always learned, and I've learned to get better with it over time, that their trauma is not my drama. I just made that up. I should probably write that down. My teenager's trauma is not my drama, or their drama doesn't have to be my trauma. Like, this is their life, and their emotions that they're having about their situation is not a direct reflection of my parenting. It could be, and I want to listen, and I want to observe, and I want to pray and ask God, how can I be a bit, you know, how can I be a great mom to these kids? But, um, but at the end of the day I just have to evaluate it and say, is what they're handing me something that I'm supposed to receive? And I don't have to receive. Teenagers, many of them, their feedback mechanism is broken. What do I mean by that? Their feedback mechanism where they're going to tell me how what I have done as a parent, um, is good for them or not. Their feedback mechanism is broken. I can't depend on my teenagers to give me feedback from a neutral point of view. They're not neutral. They want things their way. They're basically toddlers times 3. They are, their hormones are going crazy. They don't understand their world, but they think they do. Their ability to communicate to me whether or not I'm a good mom, their feedback mechanism is broken and they don't have all the information. They don't get all the information until they're like 25 or 30 years old. So to look to your teenagers to tell you whether or not you're doing a good job is misplaced affirmation seeking. So for me, the thing is I just realize it's worse for them than it is for me. I smile a lot. I say I'm sorry a lot. And then I tell the Lord, you guide my footsteps because I'm responsible to you for how I raise this kid. And what they're telling me I am or am not doing as a parent may or may not be correct. So anything that they say, I need to bring to good girlfriends, to wise women in my life, to, to God in prayer and say, okay, do I receive that or not? So I hope that's helpful. Londa, I have a best friend of 30 years who I moved across country to live, grow, heal, and start life over again with. Due to outside forces, we have fallen out of friendship and I'm at a loss. Okay, I don't know what to do. I've been able to pray, speak, journal, or anything. Currently I'm back home with my family. But I'll be going back to her home soon. I don't know how to deal. Um, so here's the thing. Um, there are friendships that I've had that have had seasons. Every friendship is not for a lifetime. So let me start with that, that you got to give yourself some grace to figure out, was that a friendship for a large season of your life? And are you supposed to continue it the same way you did in the past? Obviously not exactly, because you're 30, uh, 30— you were friends for 30 years, but you've moved across the country, so something about that relationship will change. I will also say that you can have great friendships, friendships over a long distance. They do take a lot of intentionality. So my friend Michelle and I have been friends now for over 30 years. We have had ebbs and flows in our friendship. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we Zoom, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we FaceTime, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we're reading a book together, sometimes we don't. Now she lives 3 minutes from me and we miss each other's calls all the time. We have decided to give each other grace because in the season that I'm in with kids still at home and graduating kids and grandkids and working for myself, and she's a nurse, her schedule is all over the place, we have a hard time connecting with each other sometimes. And so, um, so I do think— let me pull this out— I do think that, um, that you do have to decide how hard you're going to work to maintain that friendship. Now, I will say, let this person off the hook a little bit. Like, it's not going to be the same, and take your time to try to find other friends. It's not going to be the same as a 30-year friendship that took forever to build, but you can be intentional about building new friendships and being the friend that you wish you had. So ask God, ask yourself, what am I supposed to do with that 30-year friendship? Is it supposed to stand the test of time? Even me being across country, develop a plan for that. How are we going to connect? When are we going to connect? Is it going to be every Thursday night at 8 PM? Um, and y'all are going to hold that time sacred? Are you— are y'all going to DM each other with your Instagrams and your, and your DMs and your tweets or on Facebook? Like, how are you going to intentionally stay in contact? And then put that in motion, put that plan in motion, but then give yourself freedom to find new people. Not to replace that person, but to give you a focus of relationship and connection even where you are. Hope that that's helpful. Ooh, what do I do? My guilt is eating me alive. Ooh, ooh, Karen. Okay, so here's the thing. We know, right, that the Bible tells us that we're supposed to forgive other people. Like, this is like Christianity 101. You're supposed to forgive other people, but, um, somehow we have not taken that truth to apply to ourselves. The Bible says to love others like you love yourself. That verse assumes that you love yourself. The Bible assumes that your problem is with other people, not internal, right? So let me, let me put some scriptures on that. Love others— see, this is how— this is why Google is my friend. Love others like you love yourself. That can be found in Matthew 22:39 or Mark 12:31 for those of y'all who want the scripture reference. And then, do you want to be healed? It's John 5:6. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he said, do you want to get well? I can heal you. But are you gonna walk in that healing? That was the question. So I don't want to get too preachy this morning, but when you ask me, okay, my guilt is eating me alive, that tells me a few things. That tells me that you could understand freedom and you're not walking in freedom because you haven't forgiven yourself. Your ability to forgive yourself starts with the decision to love despite the infraction or infraction. Um, so just like you would have to do that somebody else— I've decided to love you despite what you've done. You have to be intentional about saying, I've decided to love you apart from what you've done, besides what you've done. You are worthy of love anyway, not because, uh, it's inherent, but because it's God-given. It's already given. You are worthy. You are already worthy. So if you're feeling guilty, you're not walking in your worthiness. So how do you communicate love to somebody? Well, you communicate love to somebody by not just feeling, but by doing. So if you love somebody that you don't like, I can still serve them, I can still pray for them, I can still minister to them, I can still bring them a meal, I can still, um, make myself available to them if it's a healthy situation where I can do that. But I show them love by what I do. So if you want to show yourself love so that you can forgive yourself, so that you don't have to walk in the guilt, then you need to say, what can I do to show myself love? If I loved myself despite my fault, despite my grievances, despite my mistakes, what would I do if I actually believed I was worthy? What would it look like? How would I talk to myself? How would I dress? How would I connect? What would I engage in in my life? How would I treat my life? How would I treat it like something precious instead of hiding away like someone who needs to not be in the light? So guilt will eat you alive. All that it does, all it is, is an infection that starts out really small. And when you don't excise it, it eats away at you from the inside out. And it's not damage-free. It literally eats away at you. It literally takes what should be in you, that is the confidence of Christ and the worthiness that you should have as an individual, wonderful creation. It takes the love that you wanna give yourself and, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, and, and eats it alive. Like it actually consumes it until you're a shell of a person moving around, hoping that nobody ever finds out what you did, or that, uh, that— or giving yourself grace and saying, I made a mistake, I did something horrible, I can't believe I entered into that in my life. And saying, you know what though, that does not change my worthiness. And you literally have to talk to yourself until you start to believe it and act as if you're worthy and that you are not so guilty, so destructive, so messed up that you have to hide away for the rest of your life. And that is a decision to love you. So the first thing is you need to get what is eating you alive out in the light. You need to excise it. You need to say it out loud to a friend, put it in writing in a journal, go see a counselor or a therapist, tell your husband. You need to be honest with somebody in your life that this is eating me alive. Like, you got to get the tumor out from under the skin and get it out because all it does is grow and do damage. And then after that, you got to say, okay, so now that I want to go through the process of healing, if I want to heal that I've got to treat myself a certain way. Because you can't just take yourself all over the planet doing anything any kind of way when you're trying to heal. That means you need to be, be still. That means you need to prop some things up. That means there need to be some bandages. There needs to be some care. There needs to be some things that, that, that, that make sure that where you were cut to take that thing out, it's going to burn coming into the light. Okay, I'm going to tell you that now. It's going to burn coming into the light. Can you tell I'm a little on fire about this? But then after that, You have to heal. You have to be sutured properly. You have to be bandaged properly. You need to make sure that you are around people who can tell you what, what healthy healing should look like. The guilt— getting rid of the guilt is to decide to do it and then to decide also to walk in love. It's not about your feelings. Your guilt will subside after you keep putting it to bed. And when it rises up, when you say, that doesn't belong here, I got rid of that. That pain is a remnant that something was there, but I decided to excise it. So the pain is now a remnant of my healing. And you don't hide because of the pain. You just know that's the pain because I was— because I had to do some work to heal. I hope that helps you, and I hope that gives you some practical, um, one-two punches for what you can do right now today to not live in guilt. Your life is too beautiful, it's too precious to allow your guilt to eat you alive from the inside out. Okay. All right. Yes, come on, Lavon. Lavon said we are getting free. I believe that too. Mm-hmm. Amen. All right. Okay. What did I do in the workforce? Uh, what do you do in the workforce when you have bosses and coworkers that are demeaning, slanderous, and malicious? Well, it's okay. First of all, it's kind of like what I was saying about the temperature in your home with your kids and your spouse. Okay. Well, my first job, I worked for Arthur Andersen. So it was one of the Big Six accounting firms. They're no longer the Big Six. I don't know how many there are, but it was one of the big ones, um, like Ernst Young would be, KPMG, if you're old enough to remember any of those. So anyway, um, I worked there, and when I went to work there, there was this like minority, um, like, for lack of a better— was it was a meeting in our training. I had to go away to Illinois for training. In our training, One of the speakers was, it was for diversity. And so anyone, person of color, had this special meeting where we heard from this guy who was a partner. And he talked about how hard it was for him to make partner at this law firm. And he talked about when he first got to work there, how difficult it was. I mean, he was, you know, rising up at this law firm in the, you know, in the '70s and the '80s, late '70s and '80s. He was talking about how he had to put his game face on every day when he went to work. And he said literally he had a fight song. So he would sit in his car 10 minutes before work, kind of shake it off, like get it, get in the right mindset and play y'all on his radio, CD player, tape player, whatever he had, Rocky, the theme song from Rocky, you know, da da da da da da. He would play that. Every morning before he got out of the doggone car. Because as a Black man going into a white-dominated space, uh, having no one like him, having to deal with expectations that people had of him that were, that were not correct, or, uh, you know, their preconceived notions about who he was or whether or not he could do the job— every day he had to hype himself up. So it's kind of what I was saying about the kids and the husband. You got to figure out a way to hype yourself up so that what they say rolls off. Like, you have to show up every day and be you regardless of what they're doing. And, and at the end of the day, when you are consistently you, your consistency and your integrity, your, um, your willingness to do the job, your excellence, it will speak for itself. Now, I'm not saying people aren't ruthless, but what I am saying is a lot of what we allow to concern us is not our concern. That should be written down as well. A lot of what we allow to concern us isn't our concern, but we ingest it. We take on the fact that we need to fix their perception or fix their reality or answer, give them an answer every time they share something with us. You don't, you don't owe them anything. What you owe them is doing a good job, being excellent, being friendly and kind, being above the fray. And deciding to go and do your job, be grateful for your paycheck and go home. That's what I would say. That is what I would say. Coming back around to parenting. Uh, I see y'all talking and I love how y'all encourage each other in the comments. That's the wonderful thing about the Inner Circle. I'm encouraging you, but you know, we're a community here and that's the whole point. The idea of the Sister Circle is that you have experienced something in your life that can benefit another woman who's experiencing that same thing right now. So it could be 60 to 20, or it could be 40 to 39. The bottom line is I don't have the answers for everything, and I haven't been through everything. I've never been widowed, I've never been divorced, so I can't speak to that firsthand. I have been a single parent, I have been a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, a homeschool mom. I have been, I have been an entrepreneur, I have worked in corporate America. But if you ask me, have I ever adopted, that's not my firsthand experience. So I love that, that I say what I have to say And then y'all get busy in the comments, um, helping each other. Okay. How do you rekindle a spirit of purpose in your life after a certain age? Okay. That is the equivalent of the question. How do I rekindle a desire to eat good food after I've, you know, after I've gained a bunch of weight eating crap, like you will not feel like eating the good stuff until you start eating the good stuff. And then you develop a palate. You change your palate, your desire. For the things that are actually filling to you, that are good for you. But you have to first decide to engage, right? The first decision is, I want passion for my life, you know, I want to be engaged with my life, I want to have purpose in my life, but I'm sitting around not motivated. Okay, so don't wait on motivation. You make the decision. So what would a purpose-filled, intentional, uh, person who wants to engage with life— what would that look like? You know, like simple things. Like if I were in my city and I wanted to like just get out and meet some people, what would that look like? Okay, maybe trying some new restaurants, maybe going into a new church, maybe doing a Bible study, getting online and meeting people in my area, finding hashtags creatives in Dallas. Like I know people that come to a new city and they figure out their people by searching hashtags. It's a whole thing. Using Meetup, an app to find people who are like you. You know, of course being safe because we're still in, you know, COVID, post-COVID pandemic situation. But obviously, um, you got to be creative with what would bring you purpose. So now if you're like, I always wanted to, but now I've waited too late— well, no, you haven't. If you're still alive, you still get the opportunity to choose. So what is the last thing that you can remember setting your soul on fire? And whatever that is be intentional about engaging in that. But what I found is that God loves— my dad says this— God loves to hit a moving target. If you will just get going doing something, you know, there are people always say, you know, if you take one step, God takes two. Well, that's not a scripture, that's not biblical in terms of— I can quote it and find a location for it, but it is principally true. There are so many times in the Bible where God wanted someone else to do something before he got engaged. Noah built an ark because it's gonna rain. God didn't do anything. He had Noah work on that ark for a really long time before there was ever a drop of rain. So there are some things that God wants you to do to engage. So take a class about finding your purpose. We have a class called Living a Life You Love. That's what my course is all about. How do you live a life you love and how do you find purpose? And so I would just say Pick up some books, like Google, how do I find purpose? Like engage. Like if you start engaging, it's, it's a, it's a vehicle that begins to have motion. And once you put a vehicle in motion, it gains momentum. So you just need to start with something. And Valerie Burton's books are great. Any of her books are great. And I believe she has one about purpose and calling too. Oh, Arliss! Thanks. You said the course is good. We've been talking about what we can do to improve it, make it better. That was my first course. I'm looking forward to teaching others. I, I want this membership to be focused on content to keep you encouraged. Yes. But at the end of the day, what will serve you and what will be something that you can be proud of and that will be worth the investment is if the work that we do, that we share with you, if it causes you to move forward in your life, Yes to community and yes to fun and yes to encouragement. But at the end of the day, we want you to connect with God's will for you and to move forward in that. So live a life of love was the first one. And I'm really proud of it being the first one. And I'm glad that was encouraging to me, Arliss, that you said that. Okay. Angela Copeland says, I have been released from a ministry that I was a part of for over 10 years. It was not my choice, but I know it was time. I'm kind of at a loss right now. Any direction you could give me? Listen, enjoy the season of rest. Stay on the lookout, stay prayerful, constantly ask God what he would have you to do next. Uh, follow the Holy Spirit's leading with where you can volunteer without an overarching commitment, where you can serve individuals in God's church without it having to be a full-blown ministry commitment for the next 5 years. Show up and serve. You know, think about Jesus, right? His ministry commitment was to be where he was fully and to minister in that capacity at that time. He didn't have this like ongoing ministry or involvement in the local synagogue. He showed up when he showed up, taught when he taught, healed when he healed, gave a few lessons to his disciples as he needed to in the discipling format, and he was effective. So I'm not saying not to get into another ministry. What I am saying is look around you. Who in your neighborhood, who in your community, who at your children's school, who at work, who needs your ministry, your individual commitment to Christ to see what they need to see how you can help, to see how you can pray for them, and to go to battle. And you can always serve others and serve God's church by praying for people. And people that are atheists, even if you walk up to them and say, "You know what, I notice this is going on in your life, and I know that, you know, we may not see eye to eye on what we believe, but I want to pray for you. Is it okay if I pray for you?" Most people, even those who do not believe in God, won't say no. So get creative about what service looks like to the Lord and to the Church of God right now. And take the season of rest. Like, it's okay if you've been involved in that ministry for years to take a breath and then to seek God's face about what he would have you do now. Alright, y'all, so that's it for Q&A today. Remember, if this video has been helpful to you, be sure and comment below or share it with a friend because that will help me make sure that as many people as possible see it. I love you no matter where you are, and I will see you next week.
