Chanda Stegall on Connecting the Dots of Your Life

Hey y'all, so it's me back on the couch. I think we should— it should be a new segment, Chrystal on the Couch. Y'all, I'm glad to be back here with you. And you know, before COVID I used to meet people right here on the couch or in a chair, but in person where I can touch them and feel them and actually hug when we're done. And I'm glad to have the opportunity to be able to do that again. Today I have a treat for you. Well, It's a treat for you, but it's more like a treat for me because I get to have not only someone who I've been wanting to have on the podcast for a very long time, but also someone who has been a friend of mine for a very long time. And I'm really happy to share her with you today. So welcome, Shonda.

Hello.

So what you need to know about Shonda is she is, by self-declaration, the friend of of the team. She is very protective and defensive about that title, which I think is very interesting because you're not very protective, defensive, or outspoken about much, but you are outspoken about that.

Yes.

Why? Why?

Well, when I transitioned off of the team, I self-proclaimed my— you know, I decided I would be the friend of the team. And then as more people came along, they have tried to connect themselves to that term because it's a great term. I realized that when I came up with it. And so I'm just protective. Like, you could be something else, but you can't be that because that's who I am. That is so for wishy-washy.

We used to work together and she quit.

That's not how that happened.

And in order to make me feel better about myself, because you already know how I feel looking at her calligraphy, in order to make me feel better about myself, she was like, but I'll be your friend.

That's not— I didn't. I didn't quit. I didn't.

You did.

I transitioned off.

That is called quit.

I had another assignment.

That's called quit.

From the Lord.

That— you can still quit.

No, no, he doesn't. He just moves us to our next thing.

You've been in church too long.

You quit. I gave 60 days notice. Okay.

So a little background on how we've come to become friends or the friend of the team or what have you. And you know, I don't remember details very well. I just know that I'm a very friendly person. And I think that people who want to connect with me, if I can, I want to. I don't think that's any big deal. But on Twitter, was this in 2013?

I think it was before then. Well, somewhere before then.

So I was working on releasing and launching Kingdom Woman, and I was tweeting about it, and Shonda was on the launch team, and she was basically like— and you're going to fill in the details here— but like, let's go to coffee. And I was like, okay. And you were shocked that I said okay.

Yes, but okay, so I've checked the DMs to figure out how this whole thing happened.

Oh, we did it in DMs? Or was it just in a reply?

No, no. Um, so you— what you put on Twitter was you were looking for people for your launch team for Kingdom Woman. And so I filled out the application hoping that I might be picked, later to find out everyone who applied was on the launch team. I thought there was some selective process. There would have been. So anyway, um, so then I made some mugs and other items to promote Kingdom Woman, which now I know—

like a decal that you can put on a car. She made that.

Totally should not have been done. Copyrighted material. Those types of things. But I was like, hey, Chrystal Hurst, let's do this, we can do a giveaway. Because we were just this ragtag team of people trying to promote Kingdom Woman, which we did a great job, I think.

We did a great—

but anyway, I had those items, and so I messaged about getting them to you, and then we decided to meet at Starbucks to do that.

So I'm meeting with this girl at Starbucks who shows up with stuff that she made, and I'm just flabbergasted that— because, you know, you buy stuff at the store but you don't know how it gets made. So I'm like, you just made this? I was just really enamored by that and also honored by the fact that she would take the time to do that. So we connected next because—

next, I think I started going to DTS and you were taking some classes at DTS too at the time. So we talked a little bit about that just in DMs. But next after that, what happened was I was in class. Oh no, how did— no, next after that was your podcast.

Oh, right.

Yes.

So the whole, the whole reason why we have a podcast is because I don't even know, it's just like so gray in the middle. At some point I realized that she knew how to do everything. And, um, you were like, she would help me get my podcast off the ground.

Mm-hmm.

So literally the night before the podcast was supposed to release, we're on the phone. It's like 11 going on 12. I'm like, it has to go live on the day. I told people it would be live. And we're sitting there on the backside putting the tech together. So there is a podcast because Shonda Stagall made sure that we knew how to do it. And it's still set up the right wrong way. Like, whatever we did, it went up. It got up.

And it still gets up.

And people are like, why is it set up this way? I'm like, I don't know. In 2014, we just— we got it going. So then there was that. And then there was Monique.

Yes. After that was Monique and I were in school together and we had a class together.

And I didn't answer her.

And I asked her what she was doing. And she told me she worked for you. And I— So we ended up connecting that way. Um, and then after that, I needed an internship for DTS, and I asked Monique if you guys needed an intern, and she said, well, I guess y'all talked. Anyway, I interned with you for my DTS internship, and then after that, I was on the team with you as a contractor.

That's the point at which she quit.

That's not when I quit. That's when you said your mom needed an assistant.

Oh yeah, that too. So my friend Shonda, the friend of the team, took the position initially as administrative assistant for my mom. And my mom loved Shonda even when she was in the interview. I've told you this a million times. She was just looking at her resume and then she said, so why would you wanna do this? Like, there's all these wonderful things on your resume. Like, why is this appealing to you? But anyway, so she was able to work with my mom for a little bit before my mom passed away.

And then now, now I'm the friend of the team.

No, you also are the pastor's wife coordinator for the Urban Alternative, which means now we work together, but she does not work for me.

But I do.

But you don't.

I don't.

So that's the, like, the official thing. But I think what's so interesting is The consistent thing that you have always done, probably sometimes to your chagrin, is it's like the podcasting. I'm always like, Shonda, how do I, can you help me? I mean, like even before we were going live, I had her, I pulled out the planner and I was like, what should I do on this page? She's an extremely smart, extremely talented, extremely multi-passionate and multi-talented person who regularly puts her talents, gifts, and passions at work for other people to support and help other people. And so one of the things that I wanted to ask you about is, you know, you talked a little bit about, we've talked many times about just life and being random and how you have followed your interests, you're following your passions. We didn't talk about this as much, but you have a longer career in advertising, right? So you have this corporate background,, but you've done all these different things and I know at times you haven't felt great about that. Like, what am I doing? How is this all working together? I'm curious, like right now, how do you feel about your path? Because the last time we talked about this was probably before.

How do I feel about where I am right now?

Yeah. I mean, in terms of Do you still kind of look at your life and go, this is random? Are you starting to see any connections between all the things?

Uh, I think I can definitely look back and see the connection, the path that the Lord has used to bring me to where I am today. And then I still sometimes look to the future like, but which one of these? Like, I just feel like there's a lot of options, and which one is the one that I should go to next? So I do feel like the future is random, but I can see how the past is organized to get me to here.

Does that give you any just consolation about not having to worry?

It does, it does actually. It feels like, um, it doesn't matter which path I take, like it'll all come together, it'll all work out. So it's— I often feel like he's saying, daughter, choose, like pick one because it doesn't matter, together, right? And I'm just like, but which one? Which one? I don't know which one. If I do I'm gonna do that one too. And I turn around and I go on another one. And then, you know, just this morning I'm like, I haven't baked anything in weeks. Am I still a baker? Like, so anyway, I just, I get in my head about all the multi-passions.

But you do two things for me, um, as the friend and as my friend. One of those things is you are constantly reminding me and comforting me about, it'll be fine, it'll work out. You tell me, just choose. Like, it doesn't matter. Like, you even have said to me multiple times, what is your knower saying? Like, if you just go with your knower, it'll be fine. You have also said to me many times, you have to focus.

You're doing too many things. It's too much energy going in all different directions. You just have to focus.

So I guess for whether you're looking at you to think through this or you're looking at me, like if you were talking to someone else and based on maybe our collective experience, what you've learned from that, what would you tell somebody who feels random, who wants to focus, they don't know what to focus on, um, and the consternation that comes with, I'm 25 and I still don't know what I want to do, or I'm 37 and how is this coming together, or I'm 48, and am I still on a job I don't like? What would you say to the person who has done a lot of different things, feels like things are disconnected? What would be your word of encouragement to them?

I think, I think what I would say is probably what I've experienced is just keep going. Like, you don't have to know today how it's all going to work out tomorrow. Just do what's, you know, what's in front of you today. Like, if tomorrow I get a chance to bake, then great. If it's Saturday, then great. If, if tomorrow, you know, the opportunity is in this direction. Just keep walking in whatever is available to you at that, at that moment, and look back and see, oh, okay, that's, that's where this was leading to. I, I—

the high—

the statement hindsight is 20/20 is just so true to me in my life. I could not see 20 years ago this moment, you know, that this is what the Lord was going to do. But as I just kept saying yes to the opportunities that he put in my path, I was taking more steps along the path he was leading me to.

So do you think it's problematic to be multi-passionate?

I'm gonna say in my life, yes. But, you know, no, I don't think it's problematic to be multi-passionate.

Um, then why is it problematic in your life?

I knew you were gonna— I'm like, she's asking me this and then she's gonna play this back for me and be like, you said— but I don't know why, I just, I personally feel like my passions are disconnected. So I'm trying to figure out, like, how do I connect them? So I'm, I'm figuring that out. Like, I'm having friends over for dinner on Saturday, and I'm gonna bake for the friends that are coming over. So that puts two things together because I love gathering people and I love baking. And so there's an opportunity there. Like, how can I marry my multi-passions together? And I love making videos, so of course there's going to be a video of this night that I had my friends.

So is this your Magnolia night?

It's my Magnolia dinner.

What's the Magnolia dinner?

My mag— so Joanna.

What do these do? Because now I've got to look at your video and figure out how I'm going to do my Magnolia dinner.

Yes, because you're supposed to be doing one.

I don't have time. So, too multi-passionate.

Joanna put on Instagram that she has a new cookbook out, and if you cook recipes from the cookbook and have a dinner party, then you can be entered to win a dinner party with her in Waco. So I was like, game on, let's do it.

When you go to your dinner party with Joanna, Is it a plus one?

I think— I think everybody who's at the dinner party can go.

I haven't received my invite to the dinner party.

Well, you didn't say you wanted to come.

Is that how— Is everybody else?

Yes, they self-identified. When I posted it, you said, "What is this?" Y'all are all witnesses.

I have self-identified that I want to go to the Magnolia dinner.

Okay, well, you can come. You have to bring a recipe.

Oh, God.

See? There's another good one. I see.

Bring a recipe from the book.

From the cookbook.

Like everybody has to bring.

Everybody has to bring.

It's a Magnolia dinner.

Yes.

When is the due date for this thing?

July 31st.

Okay.

Are you gonna do one?

I'm trying to debate, do I wanna come to yours and do that this weekend? Or do I wanna do my own and have 2 more weeks to get my act together?

Well, you can do both.

I could do both. Yeah, I could do both. So you said it— you don't think it's bad for people to be multi-passionate?

No.

But you still feel you don't like that about your life?

No, I don't, because, you know, I watch way too many YouTube videos.

You watch a lot of YouTube?

Yes. And they're always telling you, niche down. Yes. And so I don't have that. I just wanna— I just wanna do what I wanna do, and I wanna fluctuate with it as it fluctuates.

So, yes, everybody's always saying to focus, and I do think there's some truth in that. But I do think that you have done that in seasons. So you focused and you finished seminary. You know, you've done— it's not like you haven't focused. But I was talking to a friend recently, and she said— I asked her, I know I need to focus. I have too many things going on, but I don't know. I'm like, Oprah didn't focus. She kind of did. She did teach one show for— but I mean, I podcast every week, so there's that.

For almost 10 years.

For almost 10 doggone years.

Good grief.

So she said, well, let me tell you something, Chrystal Hurst. She said, people like us don't niche. And she said, there is such a thing as a unicorn. And the reality is something will catch and for a season will do that. And then you'll move on to something else and that will catch and proceed. She said eventually something out of all of that makes all of that make sense. If you try to not be the unicorn though, you won't get the magic that comes with all the things. There is, um, the variety of experiences that you've had. And I think this is what we have to learn to do cuz Sidebar, if I have been in the same industry for 30 years, if I'm actually going to be good to the company, like in a corporate environment, I have experienced different departments, I've experienced different processes, I've experienced different leadership, I've experienced all these things. And that's what would make me valuable because I have this 360 view of the company, right? So in life, I feel like it's the same. I feel like Somehow, I mean, I see how they connect. I don't see why you don't see it, but somehow these things have given you, are giving you this 360 view to how to build something, run something, create something. Like, I think a part of your expertise, like even now what you're doing when you are working on events, it's because you understand the tech and it's because you do well with people and it's because you value God's word and it's because you value and you understand things being done well and you know how to get you get something printed and how to get something made and how to run things from top to bottom. It's because you know all those things that makes you good at that. So even if that's not like, you know, your goal to be the events manager at 75, the point is right now in this season, it puts all the things together. So I think when I listen to you, um, that what you are struggling with is what a lot of people struggle with, is we can see it for other people.

No, definitely.

But we can't see it for ourselves.

I cannot.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know. I can, I don't know. Do you know? No, because when you present me with your things, I'm like, here's clearly what she should do.

That's true. That's true. Which is why I think we need people in our lives who can see.

Yeah.

What made you reach out to me the day that you said, you wanna meet for coffee?

You seemed approachable. I mean, and the worst— what could you say was no?

Yeah, but there's a million people you could have approached, but you just seemed approachable. So what made you want to be supportive? You didn't have to come with Kingdom Woman decals in your hand.

And yeah, I mean, you had given so much in our little Facebook group. I mean, it just felt like we were all pushing to make this book a success. And you would come in there just as your real authentic self. It was never any— like, you were approachable, you were relatable, you were like using all of our ideas. I just felt like I'm on this team with her and this is our project and this is something I can do. And so let me let her know. If she doesn't need to use it, that's fine. But if she does, then here it is. And you were like, yeah, let's do it.

But I think what I'm wanting to know is you show up everywhere and support Mm-hmm. Are you a wired supporter?

I think so. I love pushing a great cause.

Do you ever feel as a supporter that then you don't leave room to support yourself, your own things? Is there ever—

It's taking a turn.

It's not taking a turn. I'm following the leading of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit helps me ask good questions.

Do I ever feel like I don't support myself?

Yeah.

Like, yeah, it's easier for me to support someone else than to— like we've talked about before, like maybe, maybe that's what I'm destined to do. Maybe my best use of my time is to support someone else's vision because I— and I identify as an integrator. Like, give me your vision and I will help you execute it. But when I try to vision for myself, I, I struggle more there. So it's easier for me to put that aside and do what feels more comfortable than to try to operate in this other box.

Easier like that's what I should do, or easier like that's the safer thing to do?

Safer thing to do. Because what if I do it and it fails? I don't want to do that. I'd much rather support you and help you be successful than to do me. Why are we doing this? I don't wanna go here.

You know what happens on this podcast.

Get me off of this couch. Yeah. So yeah, it's fear of failure and it's also fear of success. Because I want to take a nap, you know.

Like, that is true. That is true. We can talk about Enneagram if Jackie Hill Perry hadn't have— we can't talk about Bruno. We can't talk. Okay, so yes, you are a napper.

I'm a napper.

You're a napper. I have to respect your nap on Sunday afternoons.

Yes.

Um, I think, you know, me asking you that question is because I think a lot of people, including me, I, I think When it comes to the Sister Circle and all the things that I do, I'm a visionary. When it comes to my role in my family and at church, I think I'm an integrator. So I know what it is to work for somebody who's extremely driven and, oh my gosh, you're going to drive this till the wheels fall off and how are we going to do this, but we're going to make it happen. And to feel the, oh my gosh, of doing that in the best way. And then I think, oh my gosh, what is it like working with me? Because I turn into that, right? But I've asked myself that question a million times. I remember I used to live next door to Priscilla and their ministry offices. We were all kind of there in this little compound. And I remember telling myself, like, you have these things that you want to do, but maybe they're not for you to do. Like, maybe you should go to work for Going Beyond and put your energy at work there. And I was asking myself this question, like, is this me copping out? Am I supposed to? You know, knowing when to plant your feet in the path God has for you that doesn't cross the path that he has for someone else, and knowing when the path for you lies in the footsteps of someone else's path or on the path that's paved for them. That's a hard thing to know, especially when you don't mind being supportive and don't mind helping other people. Can you look back and think of a time when you were supporting that you should have been doing your own thing, where, where supporting was a cop-out.

I feel like that's, that's a current feeling that I have. Like, I've— I'm feeling very pushed outside of what is comfortable and natural for me, like, right, like, right now. But yeah, like, this season feels that way. So I'm trying to embrace it by saying yes more when opportunities come.

You are. You are.

And, um, so yes, so I feel like in a lot of the opportunities that I've had recently, um, it's, it's been the chance to, to plant my feet and say, yes, I can do this. I could defer to someone else, but I'm being asked to do it and I should say yes.

And when you say yes and when you plant your feet, what is the feeling that comes with it after the fact?

The song "We Come Alive in the River," I feel like it makes me come alive. Like, I just come alive in those moments. And afterwards, I feel like, that's what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to do that.

I love this. So what I hear you saying is, despite the fear of failure or the fear of success, the hint of, "I should be doing this. I could support, but I feel like there's a place for me," the affirmation that that was the right thing comes from saying yes to the thing you're afraid of. Yes.

Yes. Definitely.

Which then breeds more yeses, unfortunately. Why is that unfortunate?

Because it's been the same— the feeling I have to keep pumping myself back up. You can do it. You're supposed to do it. Walk into the path the Lord is giving you.

I think— I mean, you and I are both on social media, so we see it all the time. You know, courage is doing it afraid. Like, we know this. And we think that if we were doing what we're supposed to be doing, it would just flow naturally without fear. We still expect that that won't happen. But the only way that you get there is to do it anyway. Really, really.

Mm-hmm.

You are about to be an empty nester. You have 3 boys that are currently aged 20, 20, 23, 21, and 18.

But as a friend told me, it's not empty nesting, it's free bird season. I'm about to fly away, about to do my thing.

What does that mean? What are you going to do?

I'm going to do everything. Like, well, last night, just last night, he asked me what day should I move into the dorm. And I gave him a date because the next day I'm going out of town. I'm going out of town.

So yeah, just for fun.

Yes, because I can. And I don't have to figure out what he's going to eat at home. And if, or if he wants to come, or if he needs motion sickness medicine because he can't ride on the car. Like, I don't have to do any of that. He is in his dorm living his college life, and I am free.

Okay. Any sadness? You're going to cry? You're going to lay across the bed and be like, it's over.

Today I'm saying no, I'm not. On that day, I will be a puddle of mush, and I'll drive back up there and pick him up and ask him if he wants to spend the night at home one more time. But yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay though.

Have you enjoyed motherhood?

Yes, I definitely have. Definitely. I love those boys. They make me very happy.

You look happy when you're with them.

Yes, I love that they 23 and 21.

They like to come home. They want to hang out with you, dance in the living room, make your boys— your 20-something-year-old boys want to make cupcakes with you.

Yes.

They bring their girlfriends home too.

They bring girlfriends home.

That's a lot. That says a lot.

I know. And now the girlfriends text and ask if they can come over. I'm like, is he coming with you? Or is it like just me and you? Like, what's happening?

Has that happened? Have the girls come without him?

No, not yet. But I mean, I want to make that available if they do want to come, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

I want, I want them to feel welcome in my house, and I put their name on the welcome sign when they come.

You have a welcome sign?

I do.

Where'd you get this welcome sign from?

From Shields. This is an online store in the— it's up by Nebraska Furniture Mart. Okay. It's a big sporting goods store with random home accessories and all kinds of things. And a Ferris wheel.

I love people. You know I love people. Mm-hmm. I want them to be comfortable. I want them to be cared for. I want them to be fully celebrated on location. It's not my natural gift. Sometimes it comes out, but I spend more time stressing out about how to make that happen than it actually happening. You have as a natural gifting gathering people in a way that keeps them wanting to come back. You actually have multiple groups you've started that you've tried to end and they keep restarting themselves.

Yes, we're on hiatus right now. Yes.

But I think that this is just a theme of your life, people coming home to you, honestly, because you set up things you set up. Um, I mean, even right now, you, you are— you've been walking, and this has been a big part of your life for over a year. And just recently you started creating walking challenges. And what are people doing? Flocking in.

In the month of June, I set up a challenge to walk 50 miles. We use the Runkeeper app so that each person's progress could be tracked, and we could see how far each person walked and how close they were to the goal. Each day we could give each other encouragement and cheer each other on as we all worked to get to 50 miles. It averages out to about 2 miles a day, most days of the month, with a few days off here and there. Emily reached the finish line first, even though my name's at the top of the leaderboard, and altogether we walked 346 miles. So we're gonna do it again in the month of July, and you can join us.

Just flocking in.

It's just so random.

And then you pop in and you're like, good job, girls, you can keep going.

If you haven't walked yet—

I haven't walked yet. You want to know why? Have you noticed I haven't walked?

I did notice that. I didn't want to tag you, but—

because all these people are in there now. So now I can't—

the fear of failure.

Well, right now I'm behind.

Right now you're at zero.

I know. I think I just want to stay there. So the assumption will be, oh, she couldn't do it.

She never started.

She never started. Never starting feels safer than starting and not meeting the goal.

Well, I think you should join in though, because every mile counts, Chrystal. Our collective mileage together as a group is important.

See, that's the gift she has right there. Come be a part of the group. Your miles count.

Your miles count.

Okay, back to you. So you keep starting things. I do. Tending Together.

I'm a starter. You're a starter. I bought a book called Finish.

John Acuff?

Yes. Because I can start a lot of things.

Did you finish Finish?

You know, it took me a while. But I felt like if I don't finish any book, I should finish Finish. And I did.

You did finish Finish. What's wrong with just being a starter?

I don't think there's any—

well, you feel like there's something wrong with it.

I do think there's something wrong with not finishing, because if you don't finish, that's the problem with being just a starter.

But you don't not finish everything. You finished school.

Yes, I did.

While you were working 2, sometimes 3 jobs.

Mm-hmm.

You finished the book. Which book? John Acuff's book.

Oh, yes.

You finished finish.

Yes, I finished reading. Yes. That's right. Yeah.

You finish things. You finish— you spearheaded the creation of Stones of Remembrance. So my mom wrote a book called Stones of Remembrance, and Shonda took the book and planned out the whole Bible study portion. So she made sure that the graphics were done, that the study was written. She made sure I knew what to say. She made sure the cameras were there. She made sure she— we had a studio audience, and it was finished. And you can get a copy of that, and you get a copy of that, link below. But you do finish things. But I'm saying, I think that there— I think sometimes we beat ourselves over the head for not being finishers when there's actually some gold in being a starter.

This is why I love being your friend, because you make me feel good about these things.

I mean, think about this. There are people who get paid lots of money to start things. Like venture capitalists want to connect with people who are starting things.

Well, I've got lots of ideas.

With the sheer purpose of start it, get it going, and then sell it. We don't want you to maintain it. Oh, we don't want you to wrap it up. We just want you to start it.

Yeah, that is my vein. I can get— I have lots of ideas. I can get it started and I struggle to maintain. And finish.

But you do realize that there are people in this world that are built to maintain, and that if you have starters and maintainers, then things actually stay alive. They come alive and stay alive, and they're both necessary. So we got to stop beating ourselves up about not being finishers.

Well, I'm going to embrace that. I'm a starter.

You're—

you're a starter.

Okay, so you're walking, and you walked how many— you walked How many days consecutively? 384. And why were you doing this?

I woke up one day and I got on the scale.

This sounds like Forrest Gump. He just started walking.

I did, I did. Like, I got off the scale and put on my— like, 2 months before this day, I bought the yoga pants.

Yes.

And that was it. I was I was like, "Okay, I have these now." And then they just sat there for 2 months. And then I got on the scale and I was like, "Where are those yoga pants?" So, I got up and I walked out the door.

Like, literally that day?

That day.

You got on the scale.

Mm-hmm. And I walked out the door and just walked. There's a trail not far from my house. I started walking. And the next morning, I did it again. And then I realized it became the weekend. And I said, "If I don't go today, then I'm not gonna go tomorrow and this is over." So I'm just gonna go every day. And then that led to 384 more days of doing it.

So on day 385, did you decide not to go walking? Did you just happen to not go walking? And since you struggle with, I'm a starter but I don't finish, what was the feeling that day?

On 385?

Yeah.

I felt all day like anxious, like, when are you gonna go for the walk? You gotta go for the walk. 'Cause I decided I was stopping. Yeah. Like I made a declaration. Declaration, stop. Like, you have to be— I mean, there's some— there's good to— like, there's a routine and you're doing it every day. But I started to feel like, um, I couldn't stop. Like, if I stop, I'm never gonna start again. And I didn't feel like that was a healthy mindset for the walking because it was fear. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm gonna stop. So all that day I felt like pressure and anxiety. Just go. You could just go. You don't have to— you don't have to record it on your, you know, on your app. Just go for the walk, um, so you keep the momentum. But no, I stopped, and I didn't walk for that whole month. And now, now I feel like I have a much more healthy relationship with walking. Although I did start a challenge that I'm not participating in, but I don't do it every day. I do set a mileage goal for the month, but I can maintain that through, you know, it's, it's not an overbearing— one time I try, I'm like, I'm gonna do 75 miles, which, you That's a lot of talk.

Yeah, it's a lot. I think when you're talking about this, the journey for you walking and even inviting other people into the challenge and inviting— before even the challenge, inviting people into your decision, because you, you didn't just share it when you started the challenge, you would share about this journey during those 385 days. And, um, what made you even start sharing? Because you don't, you know, you kind of talk about sharing and then you don't do stuff, and then you like— what made you go, I'm gonna, I'm gonna start putting this on socials and YouTube and all that?

Yeah, um, well, at 90 days, I can't remember exactly what it was, but I had lost 27 pounds. I think it was 27 pounds. And I'd learned so many things, like, about creating a habit and being consistent with it that I'm like, I should just, like, make a YouTube video about my journey for 90 days. So I'd already had all these recordings and clips and things, so I decided—

because you're a digital creator—

so I decided to put them all together, and I made that video about, um, walking every day for 90 days. And, you know, it was— some people were inspired by it, and, you know, they started walking. And so anyway, that's— I don't know, I just— I went out on a limb. I went out of my comfort zone. I felt like it was something I needed to do. Um, so that I I don't think I talked about the walking publicly until the 90-day mark.

So what did you learn about starting good habits? Or, you know, it's not like we don't see the scales looking at us and without stepping on the scale know that we need to do something or change something. And, and you— it's not that we don't know what to do. You eat less, you move more, you drink water, you don't eat fries, you avoid the Double Stuf Oreo cookies. Yes, but there comes a point where we have to make a decision, and then we have to decide to stick with that decision over time in order to see change. So what did you learn about yourself and the building of habits?

Yeah, I learned that I can do hard things, that I can be consistent. Those are the things I—

'Cause you're walking when it rained. Like, you just walked every day, no matter what.

I did. And so I—

This is not a gym membership.

Well, I did end up getting a gym membership.

But this was after— How many?

Yeah, probably about 60 days in, I got the gym membership because I didn't want rain or weather to be a deterrent to me. I called it planning for the potholes. Like, if there's gonna be some reason where I can't walk, well, I can go to the gym. It's gonna be cold, I can go to the gym. Like, there's nothing— I wanted to set myself up to not fail. So the gym membership was that.

Which, that's a lesson too, to set yourself up to be successful.

Yes. And I always felt like I could not be consistent. So having done it for 90 days, you know, the value of doing something for 90 days. I felt like that I could tell myself, you can be consistent with something, you know, cuz I'm a starter, not a finisher. And I didn't know, I never said I'm gonna do it for any number of days. It was just, I'm gonna do it tomorrow. I'm gonna go again tomorrow. And so, after I looked back and saw it was 90 days, I'm like, "Oh my gosh, girl, you can do hard things. You can be consistent. You can actually lose weight. You know, you can plan for the potholes," all these things. And another thing I learned, like, I love doing things in community, but for walking specifically, it held me back so much, like, if I had to wait for someone else. Like, people, even after the 90 days, people would say, "Oh, I wanna walk with you." And then I was like, "Okay, we can walk together." But then if they flaked out, then I couldn't let that be the reason I didn't go. So I, I'm like, I will go even if I have to go alone. That was another thing that I learned during that time.

That's quotable. I will go even if I have to go alone. Is that not a norm for you? Do you normally go and go alone?

No, I love to go in community. So now that's the good thing about the challenge. We don't have to be together. We can go on our own, but we're still in community and fellowship. And I can see your— I can see your progress, you can see mine. All the girls are, you know, cheering one another on, and it's fun. But I don't have to wait, you know, for someone else's schedule to match up with mine. I can go by myself.

I think that that's something too that you learn with time and with age. Whatever you want to do, we spend a lot of time in our 20s and 30s looking around to see who else is doing it, or wanting to do it with someone else.

And then you reach a point where you're like, but this This is what I want to do.

One, because you know a little bit more about what you want. And then you also realize that time is not waiting. And so if I'm going to do it, I got to do it. And sometimes I got to do it by myself. What would you say? You said, I love doing things in community. And you know, I'm all about community. What would you say to the person who desires community, doesn't want to take the risk of community, doesn't want to invite people to do a walking challenge and nobody joins? Did you feel that when you put the walking challenge out there? Is anybody going to join?

Well, I have a couple of friends who are like, if you do it, I'll, you know, I knew I wouldn't be completely alone. I figured it might be like 2 or 3 of us in there though, but.

Did you still have the feeling though, putting yourself out there?

Yes, all the time. Every social media post I do, I feel like that.

So what would you say then to the person who desires community and feels like that?

Oh, it's worth the risk. I mean, if you don't risk it, then you don't get to see the reward, right? So even with inviting people to come to my Joanna Gaines dinner party. I'm like, well, no one, no one might come. I'm like, no one might say yes to this, you know, because I just posted it like, does anybody want to come over? And you know, you can see your stats. I'm like, okay, well, 20 people have looked at this and they've swiped to the left. And then one person said, I'll come. I'm like, great party, me and you. And then, you know, 6 more people said they wanted to come. Um, so I could— I, I do archive things quickly sometimes, like, oh, no one's, no one's engaging with, you know, my request or my question or whatever. But those times I feel more regret, like, oh man, I should have left it up, like maybe they would see it in the morning, you know. It's just me second-guessing myself. But when I leave it up and person number 21 says yes, then it's worth it, you know, it's worth it.

Have you ever been disappointed when you left the door open and people didn't come through? And how do you deal with that?

Um, how do I deal with that?

Because for a lot of people, that's what shuts them down. You say it's worth the risk. I took the risk, they didn't come, they said they would, you know, they, um, I, I shared my soul, I got vulnerable, nobody else did. I'm out here naked in the streets trying to make friends, like trying to I'm trying to build community. When that happens, how do you deal in that moment with that feeling?

Hmm. Those are tough moments, 'cause I have felt that way before. I think what I do in those moments is pivot to the next thing. That's the gift maybe of being multi-passionate. I can say to myself, well, maybe that wasn't the thing that people would be interested in, so let me try something else, you know. And I also think I'm a good time on my own. So even if you don't want to come—

Apart from the nap.

Yes. I have lots of fun by myself. So apart from, you know, if I enjoy my own company, I guess is the better way to say that. So I invite people into my company, but if they don't want to come, I can still enjoy whatever it is by myself. Like, I can still make the Joanna Gaines recipes and eat them by myself, you know? It's still a good time. But I mean, emotionally, of course, I probably wallow a little bit and go to one of my friends, close friends, and say, "Well, I tried that and it didn't work." And usually, they're really encouraging and saying, "Well, maybe you should try XYZ thing instead," or whatever. I don't know. But it is hard to put yourself out there and not be— I think that's what leads me to create spaces for other people. One person said yes to the dinner party, and then I could feel them getting a little like, "Ahh!" And they were like, "Is there going to be anyone there that I know?" And I'm like, "Uh, me." But, you know, I create the space, and hopefully people will come in so that they won't feel that way. I think that's probably what leads me most to create spaces.

Yeah.

Having felt that myself.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's good. I think because I've known you in so many different, through, you know, many years, and you know, it's funny because you can make friends at any time, but I think adult friendships that you make are different than, you know what I mean? It's like there are, you know, when you're 15 and you make a friend or you're 5 and you make a friend, or even if you're in college and make a friend, The level of knowledge that you have about that person and about their life can be a lot more when you're older and you're making friends. There are places and spaces that aren't necessarily on limit, you know what I mean? Like, I mean, our husbands have— I mean, I can't believe my husband has a friend in your husband. That's kind of cool because it hadn't happened really before. But I mean, like, we're both married women, so there's going to be a limit to some of the things that we're going to share and all that. And so adulthood makes that navigation— it can happen, but it's challenging. Okay, so having been my friend for 10 years and seeing all— like, we've had different strata in our, our friendship. What do you think has kept you willing to be friends with me?

You're easy to be friends with. Right?

To be friends with?

Yes.

But sometimes I get on your nerves though.

No.

And sometimes I call too much.

Well.

And sometimes, and sometimes my Voxer messages are 15 and 15 and then a 9.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

But I love it. I love feeling like a resource for you. So I don't mind those things.

Well.

In adult friendship though, when I'm done.

Yes.

Okay.

So that's what I'm saying. So in the adult friendships where it's, I just think it's different. I just think when I was 18 and I was somebody's friend, you just, I don't know. I don't know if it was that you felt like there was less to lose or more face to save, but the kinds of conversations, like the permission that you give someone to be who they are, but also let them know where the boundaries are. I mean, I think that that's sometimes why people in the adult season of their life don't continue the levels of friendship, because they get to a certain point, they're like, I'm— that's as far as I'm gonna go. How do you grow your friendship while maintaining healthy boundaries?

I think what I do is I give until I can't, and then— I don't know if this is healthy— but then I just go silent until I can—

it's not healthy.

Until I can re-engage. But I try to come back. I come back. I come back. I just sometimes have to take a little break.

She'll go rock dead silent for 36 hours. I keep checking my phone. I'm like, did she reply?

Did she reply?

So now we've been friends long enough for me to go, she's recharging.

Yes. I'm coming back.

But like, I had to learn that. Yes. Because remember that one time I was like, you can't just go silent. I was I'm thinking, "Is that allowed?" But I think like even in that, like, 'cause I, my reaction to that is, what are they telling me that they're not telling me? Like, I don't know what to do with that. Am I supposed to leave them alone? Does that mean that I shouldn't share as much as I'm sharing? Does that mean I'm too overbearing of a friend? Like, that sends me into a tizzy.

And I think the best part is that, like, I feel like we had a conversation that helped us both navigate. Like, I don't mind, just spill it all out there and I'm going to come back when I can, you know. Like, don't stop doing what you're doing and this is what I'm doing and I'll be back. And like, I think once that was established— so communication, of course, between friends is— is— and I don't think— I don't do it as much anymore. I think communication helps though. I think that really does us. Like, I have, you know, I have like, you know, you're talking about college friends. I have college friends that I don't talk to for months, you know, but then we see each other and it's— we just pick up from that point. And I, I love that, that there's not this pressure that we have to, you know, engage in this certain way or we're not friends anymore. No, we're still friends. We're just living our individual lives. And when we get a chance to come back together, you know, then we just pick up where we were. And we fill each other in on where we were, you know.

But I think which the key word is communication. Like, I think your friendships and relationships of any kind will stop at the level at which you stop communicating. Yeah, you just— because you're gonna hit a ceiling of where I am trying to get to know you, you're trying to get to know me. This happens in marriage. It's like We're different people, and at a certain point, if we want to grow, we have to communicate.

Yes, that's very true. And I think about new friendships that I'm establishing with people because, you know, I'm meeting new people all the time, and I'm like, oh my goodness, how do I navigate? Like, because I'm going to disappear. That they don't think that, oh, she doesn't like me or she doesn't want to talk to me or whatever those things are. So I— communication is like the key, I think. So yeah, you know, like, oh, I saw your message, I'll get back to you, or whatever. I need to do that more often, probably.

I asked you, uh, earlier— this is my last question— if you had an autobiography, what you would name it. And the name of your autobiography focuses on Jesus. I know you to be a woman of the word. You love not just Jesus, but Jesus and the word is one thing. So there's that theologically, but you love the Bible. You love studying the Bible. You love teaching the Bible. You love helping other people, other women love the Bible, learn the Bible, teach the Bible. And so even though you're multi-passionate, that has been a fairly consistent, focused thing for you. What do you wish that everyone knew about picking up their Bible?

I wish everyone wasn't afraid to pick up their Bible. I wish everyone knew that there's, um, Jesus is waiting to meet with you in the Word. I wish everyone felt like the Word was approachable and that they could understand it and that it applies to their everyday life. I wish they just felt empowered to understand the story of the Bible and the, the links that God went through to redeem man and be in relationship with man and woman, um, you know, mankind. I, I wish that everyone saw the Bible as a guidebook for their life and that it was relatable and applicable and alive and active and available resource when you feel like there is no other.

So for the person who heard you say all that and they're like, but I did pick it up multiple times and I've tried reading it and I don't understand it, or there are parts of it that I avoid like the plague because why is this even in here? Or, um, there are words that I don't get, or I read the Bible looking for an answer and there wasn't an answer. I feel detached from that. I want to know God. I don't want to be on the wrong side of God, and I know I'm supposed to pick up my Bible, but when I do, nothing happens for me. What would you tell them?

I think I would tell them to get in a community of people who are also pursuing God in that way, who are going to the word to look for answers, um, because I think the enemy tries to isolate us and put us with the word and go, see, I told you that didn't— wasn't gonna help. And but if you get in a community of believers who are looking at the word, and if are a little bit further ahead of you in understanding the Word, they can help you understand it and bring you along and show you the beautiful, wonderful, wondrous, you know, beauty of the Word and the applications for your life. I think if you feel that way, then you probably need to get in community and get with a strong Bible teacher who can help you understand the Word.

How has understanding the Word helped you?

Oh, it is been like the resource when I felt like I had no other source. Um, even in really challenging seasons when I didn't really want to pick up the word on my own, I had so much of the word in my head, it was just coming to me, and I was like, seriously, you know, be quiet, Jesus, not talking to you right now, you quit it. Um, but yeah, just, it was the Lord, um, just— I felt like Psalm 23 says, goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life. I felt like in those days that even though I felt like I was running away, that he was running after me going, wherever you're going, I'm coming with you because you're coming back with me. And, um, so yeah, I, I've just found it to be support, help, the answer, an ever-present help, a refuge, a safe place.

Mm, it's so good. Well, listen, I love Jesus. I'm glad Jesus is running after me. But let me just say, I'm glad I've had you in my life running with me. And I'm glad that I've had the opportunity to have you on the show today.

Yay, thanks for having me. It's sad to— it's sad to be friends.

Friend of the team.

The one and only friend. You could be an advisor or something, anything else.

She can't be the friend. The friend.

Yes.

Y'all, I almost forgot. I know after this conversation you're going to want to follow Shonda. Like, all these people are going to follow you.

Oh my goodness.

So tell them how they can find you and where they can connect with you more.

Well, my website is chandastegall.com. Spell it, spell it. I know you're going to have to spell this out. C-H-A-N-D-A-S-T-E-G-A-L-L.com. And my Instagram is the same. You can go to the site and find that. And you can follow me on my YouTube channel. You can help me get to 1,000 subscribers. You can be follower number 414. Choose today.

So how do they get to the YouTube channel?

Uh, youtube.com/shonda-stegall.

Okay, follow, because not only will you be encouraged, you might join her walking challenge. Can anybody join your walking challenge? Anybody can join. Okay, there you go. And then you'll always be encouraged in the word. Here we go, 1,000, let's do it. Okay, if you had to advise advise people on how they should eat an Oreo. How do you eat Oreos? Do you eat Oreos?

Double Stuf? Yes.

I can't do it. I need the chocolate. I got— I get the thin ones because—

no, see, you have to—

no, tell the people, tell the people.

You have to smush it together a little bit so when you untwist it, there's a little bit of the whatever, the ooey gooey center on both sides, and that's why you need the double stuff. So then when you dunk it in the milk, you get the full experience from both halves, and it's like you had two cookies but the calories of just one. I did not expect you to have an answer to that question. It's about cookies, of course.

Oh, okay. And your favorite place to get cookies?

Oh, Cookie Society, hands down.

What's your favorite cookie from Cookie Society?

The salted caramel.

See?

Okay.

Okay, inquire.

And you put it in the microwave. You have to put in the microwave for 7 seconds.

How did you discover 7?

The very first time that I went, there was a guy who told me, put this cookie in the microwave for 7 seconds. And he was so right. Like, it's the perfect— 5 is not long enough and 10 is too long. It's 7. 7 seconds.

The education of Shonda.

I think it's interesting that you don't know what iced oatmeal cookies are.

No, what is an— I mean, it's just an iced cookie.

It's a cookie, it's an oatmeal cookie with icing on top, but not like wet icing, like dried icing.

I mean, I know what it is by like definition. I've never—

but you've never had one? No.

Why is this Is this a Cookie Society thing?

No, this is like Walmart.

Oh, these are those cookies you were telling me about that you pick up. Yeah. I don't buy cookies from Walmart. No, no, no.

This is the difference.

No, no, no. I mean, not those cookies. Yeah. Like, I go to the cookie aisle.

They're on the cookie aisle.

Oh, I thought you meant they were like in the deli section.

Oh, no, no, no.

They're in the cookie aisle?

Yeah, like next to the vanilla creams and the lemon creams. You know, I don't buy those either.

I go straight to the Oreos.

Fancy cookies.

The Oreos.

These cookies are a dollar.

Have enough Oreos, have enough flavors for me.

Yeah, that's basically it.

I know what oatmeal cookies are.