Cultivating Kindness

Have you ever wondered to yourself, does God really want me to be nice to them? You gotta be kidding me. I'm supposed to love that person? Oh honey, let me tell you, you don't know what they did to me. Uh, I'm not going to— Have you ever thought, is God telling me to stretch myself in this way with that person? The answer is, he probably is. He probably is telling you to get your life together and stretch yourself, particularly with the people that are the hardest to love. You want to hear about it? Let's talk about it today. Hey y'all, my name is Chrystal Hurst, and if you are just joining me for the first time— there's always somebody where it's their first time— welcome into the room. I'm glad you're here. I am actually here live every week with my inner circle. Those are the girls who are the members in the Sister Circle so that I can later come chop it up, edit it up, make it right, and share content here with you. So I'm glad you're here wherever you're watching or listening, because there are my podcast, my, my oldies and goodies who've been riding with me for 10 years, y'all. Today I want to talk to you a little bit about relationships and what it looks like to love well, because let's face it, our greatest joy and often our greatest pain comes from the same place. People, people be peoplein', y'all. And most times when we have connections, those connections can give us life or they could steal our life. And sometimes we have connections with people that we wish were nonexistent or we wish we were different. But here's the thing, because relationships can be hard, we often neglect our part in making those relationships strong and healthy. Now I know it takes two to tango, and I know we have to talk about boundaries, and I know we have to talk about mental health, and I know sometimes you gotta let the people go. But I'm not talking about those situations where you have been released in a godly way to release or to let go of a friendship, a person, a family member. I'm talking about the ones where you are really not wanting to do the thing because they bother the mess out of you. Sometimes we find that we can give our best to strangers, people that we work with, people that we meet and that have no vested interest in our lives. But the people who are the closest to us, they get our scraps. And I want to talk to you about loving well the people that you should be loving, even if you are not desirous of loving them well. You don't feel like you have the capacity to love them well. You feel like you've loved them well enough, and if they haven't got the message by now, then what are they doing with their life? I understand. I understand. I have had many people in my life, many friends, many family members where I have been hurt as a result of, I think, showing up well. And I have learned the art of putting up a wall because you are never going to hurt me again. And I'm never going to put myself out there like that again. And the Lord has convicted me time and time and time again about how he has forgiven me and shown up for me. Time and time and time again, and how people who are in relationship with me— and not the kind of relationships where they need to be cut off, where there has been major abuse, but where I just don't want to. I'm talking about where I just don't want to. And here's what God has said many times to me. Philippians 2:5-7. The relationship that I have with people should involve the mindset that I have with Christ. Who, Philippians says, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage. Rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. One day I was in the Half Price Bookstore, and I will never forget this, and I had been having a struggle in my marriage. It was— we were maybe 5 years in or so. And I just remember thinking, I'm 5 years in, this ought to be healed and better by now. Um, we weren't— I wasn't gonna leave him, you know, divorce wasn't something we were talking about. Just shutting down. I was shutting down. Like, I'm tired of being hurt, I'm tired of not being understood, I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing some things by myself. And, um, logistic, logistic and legally feeling hurt, right? So, um, I was talking to my sister about it and she recommended that I call a pastor's wife who she felt like would get my life. My husband traveled a lot in the first 10 years of our marriage. And this pastor's wife had a husband who traveled a lot. And she just said, I think she will be able to commiserate with you, but also give you godly wisdom. So I called this pastor's wife and she called me back. And I'll never forget, I was in the kids section, in the youth fiction section. This is how detailed I remember this, in Half Price Books. And she called. And she asked me a few questions and she listened and she listened. Let me tell you something, you ought to be afraid of somebody who listens, because if they're gonna let you have the microphone for a little bit and let you get all of it out, that's because they have something that they want to tell you. So I listened, she listened, and then she just said— and she was talking about the basis in the scripture that I just read to you— she said, let me ask you a question. Do you think that when Christ was on the cross that he had the right to get down? Yes, he hadn't sinned. Do you think he had the right to call 10,000 angels to rescue him? Yes. Do you think he had the right to condemn the sinners on each side of him, all of the soldiers who were a part of the crucifixion process, anyone who was involved in getting him up in that deadly position? Do you think he had the right to smite them dead immediately? Yes. She said, well, I think if Jesus had rights and did not walk in those rights, that we have to really consider whether walking in our rights is the way we need to behave. And then she proceeded to tell me without saying a negative word about her husband. She said, now I understand. I understand what it is to have to bear the brunt of managing the household and keeping things together when your husband is traveling. I understand what it is for a husband who meant to be be home but who missed a child's birthday. I understand what it is for you to feel like you did not intend to be alone when you got married, but that's how you feel. I understand for you to feel misunderstood and the conversation not to go as you would have it. I understand all of those things. But what you have to ask yourself is, am I operating with a mindset of Christ? And if I am, then what right today would he have me to lay at his feet? Keeping it kind has less to do with the other person and more to do with you and your response to a God who gave up his rights for you. I know that you have the right at work to set the record straight of who actually completed that project and who actually finished things on time and who actually was at fault when something didn't get finished on time or didn't get finished well. I know you have the right to do that, and maybe there are times when you should in wisdom, but there are many more times when you just need to be the bigger person, give up your right to be right, and let God fight your battles for you. Victory is mine, saith the Lord. I know that there are times in your life where you need to give up the right to be right in your marriage. And you need to duck, as my friend Beth Moore says, so that when God swings at your husband, he doesn't hit you. And while you're waiting on God to swing and hit your husband and praying to God that he doesn't kill him, you need to serve well, speak well, wife well. I understand that you raised those kids and they have lost their mind in their adulthood thinking that they can tell you a thing or two about their lives when how they got here is you, and how they arrive to their next season is the dollars that you spent and the minutes that you spent. I understand. And in that adult season where they are somewhat losing their minds, you have to look at them and with the love of the Lord release your right to have them pay you back. Because really, they could never pay you back. I understand that that girl stung you when she stabbed you in the back. I get it. And maybe you no longer need to be her deepest and most wonderful friend. But does that mean that when you see her, you can't smile, really pray for her, wish her the best with the love of the Lord, keep your secrets to yourself, but also still make her feel loved and cared for? Will the love of God through you be the light that burns her eyes? It should be. It should be. So let's talk a little bit about having the mindset of Christ in your relationships. Your relationships often at a point where you are sacrificing your needs. Doesn't mean you don't communicate your needs. It doesn't mean that you stay in your abusive situation. That's not what we're talking about. I'm talking about your intentionality in those relationships, even sometimes when it means having the mind of Christ and laying down your rights. Relationships of all kinds have needs, and if you want your relationships to grow and be cultivated and to be healthy, that means you first need to be healthy so that you can pour health into those relationships. And then it means you need to water them and grow them sometimes if they are relationships that need growth, with your kindness, with the love of the Lord, so that that may nurture them back to health. It's not all you, but God holds you responsible for what you can only do. So let's talk about what your relationships, any kind, may need. Number 1, your relationships need tending. So you need to take some time to assess your relationships with God, with your spouse or your significant other, with your kids, your friends, your family, your coworkers, your church. What is the status of those relationships? Do the people in your life get the best of you, the most kind version of you, the most loving version of you, or your leftovers? Now, I know the reason why they're not getting the most kind and loving version of you is because they not doing the same thing. I understand, but God is not going to ask them about what you did on Judgment Day. He's going to ask you, did you love your husband well? Did you honor your covenant of love to me for him? Did you nurture your relationship with those kids, the people that I put in your life, on the street, in your neighborhood, the folks that you work with, the ones that you serve with at church? I know that they are hard to work for, but did I call you here for such a time as this? Are you bringing your best to your role and to your relationships? Where are your relationships currently? Because you might not even be able to assess where your relationships are currently until you assess where they have been and how you've been feeling about them. If you think about the people that are in your life, whether you want them to be or not, and you say, where is it? And then ask yourself, but, um, if the Lord were standing here, where should it be? And what can I do? What is in my control to honor the Lord in my life? Because he says you're supposed to first love God with all your heart and your mind and your soul. And the second thing is you're supposed to love your neighbor as yourself. Who's your neighbor? The person who's around you, the person you live with, the person you live next to, the people you serve with, the people you're in community with, the people you go to church with, the people you sit on— that sit on your row every single week and you know their first name, but you don't know their last. Learn their last name. Act like you care. When they're not there and you see them again, tell them you miss them. Get their information. Find out how you can serve them. Your neighbor is the person you see at work every day because y'all, we see the people we work with more than we see our families. So are you serving them well? What is the state of the union at work, and how are you serving them? How are you showing up? How is it clear that God loves them because he's loving them through you? You have to tend the relationships that you want to be healthy, and that means pouring in. And it may mean that you're pouring in unequally, and it doesn't feel fair, and it doesn't seem right, and it sometimes hurts and stings, but you're not answering to those people. You are answering to God. And if he loved you and gave up his rights to love you well, well then we should do the same thing. You are invited to join me at the Sister Circle Retreat 2024. It'll be held October 9th through the 13th in upstate New York. And I would love for you to come by yourself, with a friend, or with a group of girls. It doesn't matter, but I want us to get together to talk about what it means to live a life you love and how you build that life brick by brick. If you want to know more information, simply go to thesisterscircle.com/retreat. I'd love to see you there. Number 2— number 1, relationships need tending and intentionality. Relationships also need presence. You got to show up, and you need to show up as your best self. Okay, sometimes the reason why y'all we can't do the thing is because we tired, we are irritable, we're angry, we're exhausted, we're overwhelmed. This is the overarching way we approach our lives. If you cannot be kind to the people who are hard to be kind to because you tired, overwhelmed, and exhausted, what do you need to do about that? But let's talk about that for a second, because what can your relationship with God even be like If you're trying to make sure you're prioritizing time with him in prayer, communicating with God— it's just prayer is a fancy way for saying talking to God and listening to God by reading his word— how are you going to show up fresh and refreshed when you don't even have time to do that? And many of you are falling asleep when you start praying because you get in the bed when you start praying and you're falling asleep. Many of you are overwhelmed because your plate is too full. Many of you are irritable and angry because there are just too many things that God did not ask you to do. So you can't even be kind in your relationship with your father, your father God. So what makes you think that you can be kind with everybody else? Your relationships start with your relationship with God and yourself. So if you want to improve the health of your relationships and the connection in your relationships, are you in good relationship with God and yourself? Are you being kind to yourself? So there's a fraction in the body of Christ that thinks it's terrible that we talk about loving yourself and being kind to yourself and, you know, focusing on the gift of you. And, you know, I get hate mail like that every now and again. Um, but y'all, I'm committed to that message because Christ said to love others as you love yourself. You don't know how to love others well. You don't know how to do that if you cannot give the gift to yourself. In fact, if you're one of those people that doesn't love yourself well, but you love everyone else well, Let me tell you how you're not loving everyone else well, even though you think you are. If, if you're not loving yourself well, you're not loving everyone else well. Let me tell you why. Because what you are teaching the people around you when you show up and you burn yourself out and you work your fingers to the bone, what you're teaching them is don't actually care about the vessel. You're giving people a lesson in dishonoring the vessel that God gave them. When you're tired, overworked, and, and, and underwhelmed with how your life is going, also, also, um, you're not showing up as your best self. They are getting your leftovers. And the last time I checked, God never wants us to bring leftovers anywhere. We're supposed to give him the first tenth. The Old Testament and the New Testament talk about that. We're supposed to give him our best. When God wanted a sacrifice in the Old Testament, he wanted the first of the things— the first lamb, the firstborn, all the things. First. So after giving to God first, you got to break off some for yourself. Now, people take this too far. Self-care is more than your nails and your massage. And I believe in a good massage. I got one scheduled for Wednesday. God! But listen, I believe in all that, but I believe in pursuing your passions and having time for reading and making sure you get enough rest and laughing with your friends and, and doing things that you enjoy. Now, in, in, in perspective, this is not how you spend your whole life. This is so that being filled with God and having some moments of silence, solitude, and Sabbath rest, that you have a lot left to give everybody else. Press down, shaken together, running over. Give and it will be given back to you. So you're giving your best first to God. You're giving something to yourself. You are God's daughter. You are royalty. So if you're ever not sure, what does this look like, God? Ask him, since I'm your daughter, what would you like for me to do? That helps me to feel like I'm not overshooting the goodness that I should give myself. But I have to ask God in both ways, Lord, I need to know, do you want me to do this for myself or do you want me to do this for them? Because I don't want to be selfish and I don't want to be overly gratuitous. Gratuitous in my relationship with other people and burn myself out. So I ask my Father, who I gave to first, what does it look like for me to show up? And when is it me and when is it them? So spending time with God, paying attention to what you need in order to show up well for your life— exercise, food, water, sleep, all that— what do you need to bring a spirit of joy in the room and a spirit of love to your people? You need to be present, but you need to be bestly present. Okay, so the first thing is you gotta tend to your relationships, be intentional. You need to tend to you so you can be present. And then number 3, you need to look for adjustments because relationships need adjustments. Relationships will shift and change. Just because you were the best of friends when you were 20 to 23 does not mean you're the best of friends when you're 43. Sometimes it does, that is rare, but usually our lives are shifting and changing through the seasons, and you need to be cognizant about when is it time to make the shift and be intentional. Girl, I love you, but listen, I want to make it easy for me and easy for you. We've been trying to have lunch together for the last 6 months. Can we just say we're going to have an annual lunch and I will catch up with all the things there? I got my notifications turned on on Instagram. Anything you post in your stories, going live, or on your feed, I will see. But I just want to— we've been trying to do this, girl, and our seasons have just changed, and I want to love you well. And I don't want you to feel like I'm always canceling on you. I don't want you to feel guilty because you're always canceling on me because, you know, my kids are in a different season than your kids, but I love you with my life. Sometimes if we would just DTR— so one of the girls on our team taught me that, and I am, I am enjoying the DTR, define the relationship. Don't allow people or yourself to be left trying to figure out why is this changing, what does this mean, did I do something to offend her? Redefine it. Be the bigger person. Know what you need, know what God requires of you so you know what you have to give. You are a Lego, my friend. You only have so many connection points, and at a certain point, there can be the best other Legos around you, but if you only got 8, 12, 24 connection points, once they're filled, you just don't have any more. And some of us are killing ourselves because we are Legos and we are trying our best to fit everybody in. Everybody don't— can't— it— that you only have so much surface area. So pay attention when relationships need adjustments. Which relationships are now life-draining and which ones are life-giving? And which ones are you draining and which ones are you giving to? Take a step back, look at your friendships, look at your relationship with your spouse, with your children, with your in-laws, and decide what is the story that I want to tell and how can I adjust this relationship so that I can tell that story? There are people in my life— I've got a list— where I'm going to put them on my calendar and, um, make sure that I am seeing them. There is a, there is a strata of people in my life who have been in my life all of my life, and they are older and they are aging. And I don't want to say that I didn't have time to go and be with them. I want to, I want all the wisdom, I want all the knowledge, and I want to pour out all the love. That will not happen in my life unless I make some adjustments with some other relationships. I can't, I can't meet you for coffee every week and have time for Sister So-and-So. I, I can't, you know, I can't hang out with you and go to the movies once a month if I'm also going to have time for Mr. So-and-So. My husband and I, some of these we're going to go to together, some of these I'm going to go by myself, some of them. But we cannot do that if we don't also say, okay, how many times are we going to get together? And then how much time are we investing in the people who over time have invested in us. You will not live your life well with any kind of relationship if you don't set boundaries. Now, if you're in the Inner Circle, girls, there is a boundary course. You can take it anytime. Just go to the library, search the word boundary, and go look at it. It is a 21-day— you can do a lesson a day or stretch it out however long you should need. It is excellent. It is amazing. We need to talk more about boundaries. But if you're in the Inner Circle, that is there for you. The Inner Circle coaching levels core levels, growth levels, community connection and coffee that's there for you. You can always read the book called Boundaries. If you are like, I need to go deep, I need more than the 21-day, or I, I'm not in the inner circle and I need to read. Okay. Boundaries are important. I am not negating that, but I am also telling you, I am also telling you that if you are not intentional with looking at the relationships that served you well in one season or relationships where you serve well in one season and saying, what does this season require of me? In this season, I have two kids in college and I want to stay flexible to seeing them. In this season, I have grandkids who stop by, but in this season, I also have my last child who plays all the sports. And so there have been many speaking engagements, y'all, that I have said no to, that I really, really wanted to say yes to, because in this season, I got to keep my Friday night lights open because I want to make as many games. And I looked at the calendar and I picked, these are the 3 weekends that I am willing to potentially miss a game. The rest of the weekends, I'm not missing it because I got to work. There's that. But I have put boundaries around even my work. Some of y'all need to have a DTR with your boss. I'm going to get my job done, but I want to get home and have time with my kids. So I want to leave. Is it possible? Don't dictate. Don't dictate. Ask, what do you think about me coming in a little early or me cutting out a little early? If I can assure you that my responsibilities will be met, that my, um, my, my deliverables will be, will be done on time, um, that I will be accessible while I'm in the car if you have a question on the way to pick up my kids, but I just want to be present. Um, some of us need to identify the boundaries that no matter what, when it's this time, I'm shutting it down. Y'all, I, I'm, I am late night. Person, but, um, I'm a late night and an early morning person. But I, I left the do not disturb on my phone because it's kind of nice to just know that things get quieter around a certain time in my home. You want to know why I do that? So I have the energy to see my people off in the morning, so that I have the energy to give my son a little bit, to give my husband a lot, to give my, my work a lot, so that I can do that. Boundaries in my life lead me to have space for relationships. So I cannot go to coffee with everyone that wants to go to coffee with me, and I would love to. I would love to. This is why this is called Coffee with Chrystal Hurst. Um, I would love to, um, coach a million people, but I only got room this season for 12 to 15. I, I would love to, um, to, to do a lot of things. I, but I have had to, and I'm still working on it, Write down who is supposed to have my time, because time is limited. And then I prioritize those relationships and then I adjust them as needed because maybe in one season I met with them, you know, saw them every month. And maybe we were in the small, same small group, or maybe we were serving on the same team at church, or maybe they worked with me. And then in another season, it's like, I love you. I'm gonna see you once a quarter, or girl, I'm gonna call you. We're gonna catch up. And that's okay. In marriage, Listen, when you get to a certain age, you, you need to redefine your relationship because there are some things you didn't know when you got married in your 20s or even in your 30s. And in your 40s or your 50s, in love, you can sit down with your spouse and say, I love you, I am committed to you, I am so honored still to this day that you chose me out of all the women that you could have chosen to be your wife. I am honored to be your wife. I am still very much so interested in loving you and respecting you well, as on— and honoring you as the head of our home. But I need you to know your wife. The Bible talks about knowing your wife, and I want you to know me. And some things have changed, and I just want to let you know what's going on with me in my head and in my heart. And I want to spell it out for you. I want you to know what I need. Listen, can I just keep it real? Men cannot read your mind. They cannot read your mind. So, um, you need to talk about that. You know, I know that, you know, we, we said that we would date every week, and listen, I still want to do that, but you know, we're struggling to make that work this season of our life. Maybe can we just say it's once a month? You know, can we, um, I know we used to have our meeting, our week, our weekly meeting for our family on a Sunday night. That doesn't really work anymore. I'm kind of doing a book club. Can we move it to early morning Wednesday? I'll make you coffee before you go into work. You have to communicate. So relationships need adjustments, and the person you loved well being by being up close and personal, maybe in this season you love them well by having a little distance, but you can still love them well. This month in the Inner Circle, we are focusing on keeping it kind, but all month I want you to be thinking about all of your relationships, y'all. But your relationships will need tending. Your relationships will need you to be present as your best self. Your relationships will need adjustments, and you will have to communicate. But the question is, what does the Lord require of you? And Jesus, who, by the way, you're supposed to be like, who was in his very nature God, did not consider himself equal with God in a sense where he used that to his advantage. He made himself nothing, even by taking the very nature of human nature and human flesh. He was a servant. He gave up his rights. When you think about being kind this month, I want you to think about tending your relationships. I want you to think about showing up as your best self. I want you to think about the adjustments that you need to communicate. But I want you to think about Jesus and what he gave up for you. Okay. Alrighty then. I hope this has been convicting. Sometimes, y'all, I talk to y'all about stuff I don't want to talk to y'all about because, listen, once I say it, I'm accountable. So my hope today is that you have been convicted, encouraged, that you have gotten some thoughts in your head about who you're supposed to be kind to, who you're supposed to serve, the relationships that you want to grow, tend to, or honor. And that, I guess, would be my question for you. As you've listened to this, what relationships are you supposed to be kind in? What relationships need tending? What relationships need your presence? What relationships need adjustments? But if you have to pick one, which relationship is the one that you're convicted to pray about, to think about, to focus on, and to communicate your intentions with? I'd love to hear about it in the chat, y'all. Whether you're watching it live or whether you're watching it after the fact, happy August to you. Welcome to a new month. And I will see you next week.