Don't Do it Alone with Toni Collier

But I can— it's like a guttural scream that wants to come up. But I want to stay kind of civilized.

Talk about—

it's still coming.

You feel like you have to exercise restraint?

Oh, a lot.

Y'all, I'm going to try to do my job today. I'm going to try to— I'm going to try to ask the questions. I'm going to try to be serious. I'm going to try to make sure you get value. Out of this podcast. But here's what I can tell you for sure. I am going to get value out of this podcast. And there's two reasons why I know this to be true. Three. Number one, I know I'm going to laugh. Number two, I know we're going to talk about deep and authentic things. No fake things here. And number three, it's because I'm having a great conversation with a friend. Y'all, Toni Collier is the bomb diggity for real dot com. And she is here with me on the podcast.

I don't know why, but I can— it's like a guttural scream that wants to come out but I want to stay kind of civilized.

Why? We just, we just talked about— I mean, okay, how much restraint?

It's still coming.

Okay, let it— I mean, let it just be free.

I'm good.

Okay, this is that kind of church where if you need to run around and scream and do whatever you need to do, it's fine.

If you want to go prostrate, go prostrate.

You need to know you are free. Indeed. So my question is, do you ever— how much of your life, because you have such a big personality, but also big emotions. Uh-huh. Okay. And you have thoughts that you don't mind sharing.

Nope.

How much of your life— this is a really weird question— do you feel like you have to exercise restraint?

Oh, a lot. And I think you know this because we're in a lot of the same spaces when it comes to ministry. And there's just— I feel like it's almost like 50/50. There's like 50% of spaces where it's like, I'm gonna go full Toni. And there's about 50% where it's like, okay, but you going— they're not going to bring you back. Okay? They going to cancel the booking. Okay? And so I would say like 50/50.

Okay. So in social media—

oh, gosh.

I'm sure in other places.

Yeah.

We are constantly hearing about how you just need to bring your full self all the time.

All the time.

Do you ever wonder if not being your full self more is actually keeping you from full realization of what you should have in your hands?

OK, I can say yes directly because in this season, these past 2 years, I've been single now. I'm out of a marriage that was just unhealthy and not God honoring. And I am more myself now than I've ever been, I think. And maybe not ever been, but in the last 10 years, I'm more myself. And I think I realized it because my friends started saying it. Like, old, old, old, old friends started saying, "Man, there you are. There you are." New friends started saying, "Wow, you're really different." But they just didn't know me before. So I think in the last 2 years, I've been more myself, and I've recognized that I was hiding a lot. And now I'm not.

Okay, but 50% of the time you're throwing it down.

But 50% of the time, I kinda gotta calm down a little bit because my job.

But that's my question. Okay. Is it possible Uh-huh. What if—

Yeah. What if I said no to the environments I couldn't be myself in?

Because there are other environments that would more readily call because you are more greatly the exception to the rule.

Ah. I think I'm learning that. I think I'm on my way. And I'm learning it. And I'm also getting in some new environments that I haven't been in. And that's been interesting. New environments that have allowed me— or actually allowed me and celebrated me—

I was going to say the same.

—for being so different in their space. Yeah. And that's new. And it makes me— I'm sweating. My pits, they're sweating.

I don't know. I don't know why I'm asking you that. I don't know why I feel like many of the people you and I are friends with and/or follow. Yep. It's them being fully unrestrained. Like, if you don't call me back, it's all right. Even if it's not. Yeah. But that actually is what is the multiplier.

Yeah. I do think that people have started to, like, say things like, man, I just— I love that you're just so yourself because it gives me the freedom to be myself. And that's new. That's just a new thing for me. And I think it's kind of cool. I actually think I'm going to shock myself in the next 2 years with how much more I'll become myself and who she actually is.

What do you think is going to help you to do that?

I think saying yes to spaces where I feel so different, but they want me to be myself. And saying yes and actually going and being myself. I also think it's going to be some accountability, like with friends that really know me. It's like, hey, call me out. Like, if you see that I'm being a chameleon, which is what my counselor calls it, like, OK, Toni, you're like really good at being a chameleon. You make other people comfortable because you can change and do this and that. I have a history background in acting, so I think that kind of plays a part in it too. And I just think like more friends saying, you can be you. Mhm. I think that'll be helpful. And Jesus. And Jesus. And Jesus. Always Jesus. Always Jesus.

Well, I feel very— like, you had the whole thing rising up where you wanted to scream. I feel very buzzy right now. Oh yeah. And that feeling is attached to— I think your gold is where you're actually the most good. And I think you being the most is always being the most yourself. And I think that you actually have something that a lot of people don't. And I think the more you allow yourself to be more fully that, there are other doors. Because everybody wants something unique.

That's very true. And that you are.

So there's that. Ooh! I don't know. I was just buzzing. It was buzzing. Well, I've had a lot of buzzing this week.

I've got some prophetic texts and all kinds of stuff. So I'm just— From friends? Add it on there.

From random people? Randoms. Okay. They have your phone number, so they're not that random. Right.

A girl that she just interviewed me on a podcast, had my number, text me. So it's been a week of like, okay, Lord. Okay. Okay. I hear it. Okay. I'm nervous, but I hear it. That's great.

Your hair looks great. She slicked back, ain't she? It's fresh.

She is slicked back to the gods. More the God. One and only one God.

Okay, guys.

I was surprised.

I said, Latoya. And she's long. She's gotten longer.

I'm still taking prenatals. I got a 3-year-old still on them.

I know. You take them all the way and then you just switch over. You just switch over. You go from the prenatal to the postnatal.

When it's like, ain't nothing else about to come out of here.

Yeah, because you still need— you need support. That's the bottom line.

We need support. The skin buoyancy is what they call it.

Why don't you wear nails? Okay, this is a part— From one not nail wearer to another.

This is a part of stewardship, actually. Okay. Money?

Money. But you would get your nails done if it wasn't a money issue.

I actually loved getting my little SNS, okay? Little bubble bath color pink cutie. And I just was asking the Lord about money and good stewardship. And this is one of the things that needed to go. Okay. Now them toes getting done though.

Yeah, because toes shouldn't be uncovered. Oh man.

Them toes are going to get done. Okay. Lord, I mean, let me not say it too loud because he going to mess around and take it.

But just paint, just, or gel?

That gel, because it'll last you 3 months. Now your toes is crooked.

The nail is coming through the sock, but that polish is still on there. OK, but because your toes don't need to be— that's the problem. If I'm going to go back to take care of my feet, I don't need the gel to last a million years.

That gel lasts until Jesus has come back on the scene.

It does, because toes are going to fall off your hands anyway. The gel is a whole nother—

Truly. Okay, so white gel. Unless my daughter tells me that it's whack because it's basic. Okay. And then I'll go pink. Wax or thread? Actually, pluck yourself. I pluck it because I got the micro powdered. Now, microblading. Hold on. Not to be mistaken. Now it's time for a refill. What does this mean? It's like a permanent shading because I don't have much. I had the chickenpox inside of my eyebrows and I shaved them off one time. In the 4th grade, everybody thought I had cancer. It was crazy. Okay.

Because the microblading is where they draw the lines.

Because, you know, it's like the little lines. And not— no offense to it, but if you don't have much—

And the right person needs to do it. It looks like eyelashes. It looks like you drew with a marker. Yeah, it's a lot.

It looked like eyelashes all over my face.

Okay. So what did you call this micro— what?

Micro powder. It's a more natural dusting of sorts.

And it stays for how long?

3 years. Okay, so if you've done this, how come we haven't done the eyelashes? I don't, because I'm scared of that.

What you mean? People, I mean, I'm just saying.

They add them, the little individual? No, I can't. I'm scared. I'm nervous about that.

That would be a stewardship issue as well.

Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, how long am I about?

I can't. And you have to lay there for like 2 hours. That's the other thing.

And who has that time? Who has time for that? Exactly. I could be taking a nap.

Listen, just learn how to put on eyelashes. That'll do.

Well, that's what I'm trying to say. Or the little serum.

Do you have the serum?

No, but I used to. And it worked? Yeah, but you know, your eyelashes fall out very often. So you got to keep going. And I didn't have the capacity. But it'll grow all right. OK.

These are the things inquiring minds want to know.

Yeah. Don't worry.

I also realized slightly, not exactly, but your book cover, we have a similar— It's me.

I'm here. Yeah. I'm on brand.

Is that on purpose?

Yes. Oh my gosh. I've been wearing yellow and reds and—

Yeah. Very good.

You like it? I do. Look at my book.

Let's just jump into it because we don't want to try to like skirt around it. No. Let's just go into it. And like make a turn, a gradual turn. It's like— Toni has been on my podcast before. OK? The reality is she's here today. I was able to get her in person today.

In life. Because this makes sense.

I got a book to promote. Come on. So here's— I'm just straight to the camera.

We're not going to—

we're not even going to sugarcoat this. There's no chaser. It's just like, this is her book. It comes out August the— 19th. OK. And when it comes out, I need you to read it. I didn't say buy it. Because I need you to buy it as soon as you watch this. Yeah. You can decide to read it in 2026. Right, right, right, right, right. Here's what's important, okay, for authors who make a living writing and speaking.

Truly. Pre-orders are important. Yep.

Your purchases are important.

Yep. Even if you're going to buy it and give it away to somebody else, buy it because you're supporting somebody who actually is in the world doing great work sharing. And this girl is over here sharing the most. All my business. All of her business. So that Yeah. She can actually help other people because I— this is my thought about living in the Christian world. Yeah. I love the Christian world. Love. But the thing that has been the biggest struggle for me is when people are teaching me and writing books and I can learn, like I can learn. Yep. But I would— I feel like what my issue is, they don't have. So sometimes I'm like, well, I mean, that sounds cute. How you know? But you don't have— like, it's not—

yeah, you didn't live that. You didn't live it.

So it's very helpful when someone is willing to say, Yeah. Like, here's my deal. So when I write this, it's like, here's where I'm coming from. So it's Don't Try This Alone. Here's the subtitle because it's important. Yeah. The subtitles actually tell you more than the title. What the actual book is about. How to build deep community when you want to hide from your pain. Now, I already know when you start with how to build deep community and if the person who needs this is in pain. Yeah. Deep community is the last thing that they're thinking of. Don't want to do it.

Don't want to do it. Yep. Okay. And I think it's because of so many reasons. I actually start the book off talking about those reasons. Because in some way, somehow, we've been unseen. Someone has only valued us from this outer shell of perfection and not who we really are. And so when who we really are shows up, we try to hide it because we want people to get the outer shell, the perfect, all the things. We've been in unsafe environments. We've been messy. We've been gossiping. We've been hurting people by betrayal and mistrust and sharing everybody business. And so it's very difficult for people to trust again. And when we are in pain, we make some ratchet decisions. Can we just be honest? OK, sometimes we go a little ratchet. And when we make those decisions when we're in pain— I didn't even know what you were saying. I didn't even know what you were saying at all. No, but I done been in the club, making painful, ratchet decisions. And when we make those decisions, we feel even more like we need to hide. Because then when we tell people not only what we've been through, but what we've done, they'll discount us, they'll leave us, they'll judge us, and we don't want that. And so we go into hiding when we're in pain, and I am challenging people not to do it.

So I'm buzzing again. The holy tingle. Yeah, holy tingle. It literally is like a thing that goes down my spine.

It's like a little holy tingle.

So, okay, if you're talking to the person, this may or may not be me, who, who, they understand it and they know that they're supposed to trust again. So they trust again and they are let down again. There starts to become a thought process that this just must not then be for me. Maybe there's something about me or maybe I'm not good at picking the right people or maybe the cost at which community lives is a cost that, like, if I try again and I'm still disappointed, like, I can't keep living with that. Talk to that person. You did try. They were like, yeah, I understand. I've been in small groups and I did it.

Mm-hmm. I've done it. And I love that question because I get to speak about it from a place of authority, not because I'm great at it, but because it's happened to me. And I've done it wrong. And the truth is, you know, I've been married and divorced twice. I opened my heart up, thought it was gonna be great. It was a very toxic environment. Doors ripped off the hinges, all the aggression, all the things. It wasn't safe. Got a divorce, remarried, thought, "This is it, my redemption story. I'm a princess, okay? I'm Cinderella, all right?" Married a man in ministry. I'm like, "Pastor now." Even my family was like, "What, girl?" I was like, "I know, girl.

I got to be saved.

It's crazy." And— And again, you know, years of infidelity and public embarrassment, betrayal, all these things. And now I'm left with the question, like, what do I do? I've opened myself up again. I am a Teletubby at heart. It's happened in marriage. It's happened in friendship, all the things. What do I do? Well, I think the first thing that I did personally was I went to the Bible because I knew that at the end of the day, there's a blueprint in that Bible. There is a roadmap for so many things. And one of those things that God really makes clear is that we were not designed to be alone. We were designed—

Because there are times, if I could just say this, fully talking about myself.

I love this.

I'm like, actually, I think I'm good.

Right. Like, I'm talented.

And not even like talented, like, I enjoy my own company. I am 53.

I know what I like. Yep. Know what I don't.

And I actually feel fine. Freer sometimes to engage in life in the way I want to when I'm not worried about anybody else. Come on. So I mean, that's— it's hard. That is said from a—

I understand community, but sometimes it's like, I don't want to, but I don't want to, I don't want to fool with it, and I ain't got a lot of time, so why I'm doing this? Okay. And our personality type and our preferences do not outweigh God's design.

Why you got to talk to me like that? I wasn't looking—

I did not And look at you. Okay?

The words were aimed at me, though. I don't know what you mean. You're right. I literally had a guy tell me, he literally said, and he said it twice, because I kept bringing up objections. He said, "No." He said, "I hear what you're saying." He said, "But I mean, nothing is gonna change what's true." And what's true is God designed us for community.

And we have seen it over and over again. We saw it with Adam and Eve. We saw it when Moses needed help with Aaron. We saw it with Noah's family, who needed help to build an entire ark. We saw it with Tabitha, who was raised from the dead by Peter. We saw it with Ruth and Naomi. Ruth. We need each other, not just to go further, faster in life, but to be seen, to actually be safe, to feel safe and have secure attachment, to be soothed when we actually need help, to get back up again when we don't have the strength to pick ourselves up. We need God's people. And so, for me, even with dating, like, I kept telling my friends, I was like, "I can't date again. Like, my picker is broken. It's— there's something wrong with me." And when I got to that point, I said, "Okay, well, go heal it." Go to counseling. What is it? What are you attracting? What is it about your past with men or with really aggressive relationships that keeps perpetuating a cycle? You're going to quit or you're going to go figure out what is it that I need to change to have clearer eyes? What accountability do I need to put in place? What people do I need to have meet my friends or my boyfriend or whatever so that I can make really healthy decisions on who I connect with? If I don't have the eyes to see red flags, somebody do. I need to go get them in my life. I also would say this. I think I've come to the realization that we need people for everything. And I think we're honest about it, except for when it comes to friendship. We need somebody to come help us change our flat tire if we don't know how to do it. And we're OK with asking for that. Oh, let me just call the AAA people. Let me just call a tow truck. It's easy. It's easy for us to call the eye doctor when we actually need contacts or glasses. Easy. I need it. When we want to get fit, when that COVID weight stacked up on there, OK, we called a trainer and was outside looking dumb, sweating our edges out, OK? We have no issue calling for when we need help from complete strangers. And when we need people to hold us accountable, to be our community when we don't have anybody else, to help us move from different houses because we had a tragedy happen in our lives, to go to church with us. I mean, it's then that we're like, I don't know about people. And that's weird to me.

Is it weird? Or did you do that?

I did do it. It's weird now. OK. What— why do we do that? I think for me personally, it's because I wanted— to seem strong. And I think it's deeply rooted in my desire to be— like, to show up for my dad. Like, when I trace all of my little trauma back, some of it stems from, man, my dad was never proud of me. He was always working. He never paid attention. I had 3 older brothers. I was the only girl. I had to be strong. I have to be faster. I have to be smarter than everyone else so he can be proud of me. And then it cultivated this independence in me that said, well, I don't need anyone. I just need to do everything myself so that my father's love comes, his proudness comes. That earthly relationship then reflected to my heavenly relationship. I want God to be proud of me, so let me show him how much I can do by myself.

Pride. So much pride. Do you think that you— do you think that you knew any of that, even if it wasn't in your front view window, your window. Do you think you knew? I mean, I know counseling and therapy, but do you feel like I knew that kind of, but I just didn't realize the impact of it? Or you're like, I was completely oblivious?

There were many times when my friend said, man, it's really difficult to help you. Like, one of the times I was pregnant with my son and just, I mean, in Georgia, big, hot, sweaty, all the things. Planning my own baby shower. My friends all got together and was like, hey, because they wouldn't go do it right.

I wasn't going to meet the—

my friends had texted me and they were like, hey, we all want to put your baby shower together. And literally, I just couldn't let them do it. It's not going to look like how I want it to look. It's not gonna— I mean, and it was cute, okay? I did like a little Texas theme and I had the little desert plants as little baby shower gifts. I mean, I killed it. OK? And I didn't let my people love me well. And I had another opportunity that the Lord put into my path to let my friends help. And it was a fight. And he just so happened to have me bring it up on counseling. And it was when my kids and I needed to move to a different house after the divorce. And man, I was so sad. It's a cute little house, but it's a little old, older than my last house. I left lots of things at my last house because it was just trauma. So— Because we just left. I had to leave. I left. And our walls are baby blue. And they're— OK? And I wanted everything to be so pretty. But I couldn't afford it because I was paying for lawyers. I was moving my kids. I just couldn't. And I have like a black and white Scandinavian thing going that I wanted. And I remember I was on the phone with my counselor. And I was like, I'm just so sad. And my house won't look the way that I want it to look quickly.

And your counselor is like, well, why don't you—

And she's like, well, why won't you— I'm sure your friends would help. And I'm like, no, no, no. Like, they're going to bring— Vanity. No, no, no. It was vanity.

Oh, they're not going to bring the right way.

Well, it— I mean, what kind of couch? I mean, what exactly are we saying? I mean, vain. And she said, Toni, do you want to walk into a house that makes you feel lavished or loved?

Did that end up in here? It did. It sure did. I was going to say, I hope so.

Do you want a house where you feel lavished or loved? And I remember getting on the phone with my confessional community, and I was like, I'm going to do something brave. I need help furnishing our new house. I don't know what to do. And my friend Jamie was like, oh, I'll start an Amazon wishlist for you. Let's do it together. Let's figure out what you want. Let's send it. She sends it to everybody. And I tell you, the couch that we sit on is given to me by my best friend Ashley. So cutie. The rug that we have that matches the blue walls to bring in all the colors was given by my friend Lindsay. I sleep in a bed that's given to me by my friend Jen. My whole room was furnished— the rest of my room was furnished by my confessional community. My daughter sleeps on a bed that Jackie Hill Perry got for her. Our whole house is a product of me humbling myself. Mm. And letting myself be helped and loved. And my kids get to benefit from that. And that's the power of laying down your pride and saying, "I need help. I need people." God's plan for humanity is humanity. And I just didn't know that for a while. And I'm glad I do now.

Yep. So knowing that, yeah, what is the struggle, if there's a struggle, look like now?

Slowing down. I am— I've gotten— I've like flexed the muscle of asking for help. And sometimes I run so fast. I'm doing everything. I'm checking off everything on the list. And I'm wearing myself out. And I get to the end of it, and I'm like, why didn't I just ask for help? I'm kind of good at this now. And so, slowing down enough to say— and to ask the Lord. I pray over my to-do list every day. Lord, what are the things that you would have me do?

I'm a planner girl. So, where is your to-do list? Oh, my gosh. Inquiring minds want to know.

It's in my purse. It looks like the little Steve Harvey— not Steve Harvey, Steve Blues Clues. Lord, Steve Harvey. But this is so— Jesus. Got a little notepad. I mean, she big, she thick. Is she cute? Is she cute? She's so cute. She's checkered yellow and white.

She didn't get this off the Walmart office supply aisle.

No, I went to a little fancy coffee shop and got her. Okay. All right. And I have like a running project list, like a big one. And then every day I do my little to-do list. How about the fingers under the page? Idea, idea. And I put today to do with the little date. Well, it has a little date you can circle.

January the 26th.

This is a design. And then I pray every single day. Lord, what are the things that you would have me do? What are the things I need to ask for help to do? Very good.

And I just slow down.

One of the best things about the summer is it gives you plenty of time to get ready and to prepare for the fall. What's coming in the fall, you might ask? Oh, let me tell you, the Sister Circle Live, October 17th and 18th. It's an opportunity to gather with me in Dallas and some friends that I'd love to introduce you to. Great teaching, great podcasts, great workshops, all designed to help you focus on living intentionally as a woman of faith. It's never too early to prepare for the year to come. So we use October as a way to start to get focused and intentional so that you can make decisions about what you want to do as your life continues to move forward. So we're going to talk about what it means to make your mark and what it means to make your mark specifically in the area of your finances, in your abundant mindset, and getting your affairs in order. So super practical, super inspirational, and super fun. October 17th and 18th, the Sister Circle Live. I'd love to see you in the room. Register today.

What slows you down? Jesus. I was running the other day. I'm a run girly now. 4 weeks into the game. Excited about it. What are we doing? Just— I just run.

I mean, you just pull out and just run? Like, are we building up to anything? Nope. You just one day walked outside and said, let me run instead of walking? I'm going to run. So we're going to walk, jog, or we just started running?

I'm just going to run. I'm Forrest Gump.

This is completely indicative of your personality.

Of my personality. No, because literally, you know, our friends at TBN Better Together yesterday, I told— I was like, guys, I'm a run girly now. And someone goes, you hate running. Not even a friend, one of the producers. You hate running. Because I had talked about how much I hated running before.

And then you just decided—

and I got out of my car and I ran. I just ran. Literally. And 2 weeks later, I got run shoes. I was like, oh, I guess I'll get some run shoes.

Did you go to a run store for the run shoes? Nope.

Ordered them right off. I was in my bed. I was like, I'll get those.

They're cute. OK. You need to have the experience of going to a running store And get my little feet lucky.

Yeah, because I got arthritis in my right toe. You need to take—

because that's what happens when you go to the running store. You take your current shoes because they want to see how that you're wearing on your shoes. And you tell them all of your foot problems. I got arthritis. And then they diagnose what the best shoe is for my problems. For your problems. Why haven't I done that? You don't go to a running— a running store, not Nike.

Oh, a running store.

Not Foot Locker.

No, no, no.

It needs to be like a— like in Dallas, Luke's Locker is a running store.

Luke's Locker is a running store. Because they have running stores.

Because they have running stores. New to this.

Not true to this. Old to this, not running.

Working on getting back to running. I mean, it's crazy.

I just run. I forgot why. But you can do that because you've been doing the other thing.

What's the name of your gym again?

Correct.

Burn Boot Camp. Yes. Sun's out, guns out. Don't want to blind anyone here on the podcast, so I got them covered today. Don't want to hurt ya. I love the gym. And I run before and after the gym. I was running the other day.

OK. And I said out loud—

out, oh my gosh, what a perfect time to pray. And I heard the Lord say—

you don't have music in your ears?

No, no, I don't run in silence. Again, I'm literally Forrest Gump. I just am running because people—

normal people don't do that. I know. Normal people start with, I need to listen to something so I cannot focus on the fact that I can't breathe.

I am dying in silence. I can hear myself panting. It's crazy.

But I said, that's why I can't run with people, because you can't hear how hard this is for me.

Ah, girl, what you do? What's the rest of your day look like?

It's crazy. So you were saying this would be a great time to pray.

This would be a great time to pray. It's more efficient. I get to run. I get to— and I heard the Lord say, I asked you to rest in me, not run in me. Okay. Would you even be able to focus on a prayer if you were running? I know I didn't cut a couple of them short. I didn't told friends I prayed for you. I didn't forgot. It's crazy. Long story short, in that moment I realized that the things that you think will slow you down, like children, or a busy schedule, like, that will consume you and consume your time, isn't. Really, it's just sitting still. Mm. And I'm learning that now, because I really thought in my mind, like, "Oh, this would be such a great time to pray. I can get so much done. This is good." But no. What's good is me saying, I'm gonna actually get to the gym 30 minutes before. I'm gonna spend 10 to 15 minutes in prayer with the Lord in my car, in silence, going slow. And then if I wanna go out there like Forrest, then I'm gonna go out there like Forrest for 10, 15 minutes before the gym. And I'm just learning that. I think I— I guess I'm just more open to it. So the Holy Spirit is just like, no rest. Yeah. No sit down. No stop. And that's so hard for me.

But we trying. Do you cook? How? What are we eating? What do you mean?

I'm a HelloFresh chef. Thank you. And I be making spaghetti sometimes.

Okay. When you cook, what else are you doing?

Okay. Cooking does slow me down.

Cooking slows you down. It does.

Because I got to read the instructions. I don't really know what I'm doing. So I got to go slow.

Because if you don't, let me tell you, I've burned a lot of things. Trying to multitask.

Oh, I'm going to answer. Oh, I'm going to— oh, no. That actually is a good thing. When I'm a HelloFresh chef, I slow down. I'm just sitting there.

I think it's important. You have to know what slows you down. And there are certain things that if you just put them in, I call them like pillars of your life. Like, these are the things that if I'm not doing these things, I'm probably living too fast and out of order. And I know what they are because as soon as I start moving too fast, those are the first things to disappear.

Yep. Now we Uber Eatsing. They done got all my income is to the Uber Eats. Okay.

I just, I just, I want to do it, but I can't. Not only because it costs more money, but because the risk of it coming and being wrong.

And being nasty.

Or being cold.

Can you imagine? You know what I'm saying? Getting your food. I just. You didn't wait it. You said, I'm not going to cook. I'm going to have more time because I'm going to get my meal. And when it come, it's not even right. I know.

Wow, that's a devastation. It is a devastation. Spirit of God. I need to give you my chicken pot pie recipe. It'll change your life.

I'm into it. We have a pie place up the street, but I'll try that.

No, no, we don't, we don't.

Are you making the dough? I can't do too much.

No, no, no. Is it easy? No, it's easy. This is called the hydrogenated pie crust. But I'm just saying like, you can take chicken breasts from anywhere, a deli chicken or chicken left over from a meal or whatever. It's chicken.

Yeah, 'cause it's more moist.

With a, and it's not, you know, it's not gonna make you lose the COVID weight, but it's easy and your kids will love it.

I don't care about that.

I eat cookies every night. Alfredo sauce. I like the roasted garlic, peas and carrots frozen. Add some onions if you like. Sprinkle thyme. That's your stuff. And then you just use the pie crust from the store and bake it for 30 minutes. It'll take you 5 minutes to assemble if you use leftover chicken. It'll change your life.

The chicken gotta be cooked already.

It's gotta be cooked already. But what I did this week is I cooked, I buy the bag of chicken tenderloins from Costco. And so then if I'm gonna make one dish with chicken in it, I said I need 6. You had a little something.

I'm going to cook. 8.

Yeah, I cooked 12. 12. So I used one for the chicken thing. And then I'm going to make some chicken salad. And then I'm going to make some something else.

That's an art. My mom has that skill.

That's not a skill. That's just called just do what I told you to do. Alice, I'll give you my whole thing. You put one chicken in the Crock-Pot.

I did just get a— I got a— for the first time in my life, Is that what's called Crock-Pot?

Yes. The big? Yes.

I got one.

That'll change your life.

Haven't used it. Don't know what to put in it.

I'm about to tell you. You put a whole chicken in there. Whole chicken.

What do you mean?

Just put the whole chicken in there. Just put the chicken in there. And then you put salt, pepper.

I never even bought a whole chicken.

You will now. You just get a whole chicken.

Without the— it's like no head. It's the chicken with no head.

Okay. Okay. Inside, salt, pepper, celery, onion. Outside, salt, pepper, celery, onion.

What do you mean by outside?

Meaning just on the outside, like the chicken is sitting in the crock pot.

What's the inside?

It has a hole. It has a butt. You got to put everything—

Baby, when I thought you said inside the crock pot.

No, inside the chicken. It's like you're stuffing a turkey, OK? This is going to change your whole life. I've never done that. And if you don't want to do it, you'll do it. Won't you, baby?

My daughter will do it. She'll do it. She got to learn because I'm a HelloFresh chef.

It slows you down. Right. It slows you down.

Good.

In the kitchen, it slows you down. I feel like there's like—

I could do this because I love food. Don't we all? I mean, but I have a for real, you know what I'm saying? Do you? I made a foodie page. I hadn't really done anything yet, but I made—

Like a separate page?

Toni's Top 3. I'm going to tell you exactly where to go and what— I'm going to tell you the 3 things to order from every restaurant. Okay.

Do you know I go to restaurants and I ask them if I never come back here again? No, you do not.

Listen to me. No, you do not. Ask my family. I ask 2 questions. If this were my last meal, what do I need from the menu?

Okay.

Number 2, tell me the top 2 things on the menu. Just say it to me out loud. Do you want to look? I don't want to look. I want you to tell me. You know. Okay.

But are you asking—

Out of those two, which one has the most flavor? I mean, you narrow them down.

Here's my question. When they answer your questions, this is how persnickety I am. Do you want to know what the top two things are based on their preferences or popularity?

Popularity.

Okay. Because your taste buds— I don't know you, Adam.

Listen, I don't know you, Adam.

When I call, I say, if I'm never going to come here again, what do I have to have? What are the top three things that I have to have? And I say based— and I've started saying—

But you have to say based on.

But even when I say it, they can't resist. They say, well, you know, a lot of people will order this, but I tend to— it's like I almost want to say, like, I appreciate you.

It's not up to you, Adam.

I don't want to know what you like. I want to know what the people like. What do the people like?

Because it's more people than you, Adam.

I don't know what your taste buds are doing. I don't know how you were raised. I just want you to know that we are kindred spirits because we are asking the same question at restaurants. Chrystal Hurst. This is it. It is. It is.

And that's how I developed Toni's Top 3, because I'm like, I know.

And why is the page not getting any action? Oh, because you don't have time. Is it slowing you down?

Because it's not slowing me down.

Because if you're eating out at the restaurant, that probably means you're living fast.

I'm living fast.

We don't have time to do Toni's Top 3.

We have to get this— don't try this alone— out into the world.

Maybe someone else needs to run Toni's Top 3.

Maybe your daughter could run Toni's Top 3.

And that's what I'm trying to say.

Just saying. Anyway. OK. So what do you hope— Yeah? Well, no. No. What? You— what? Do you do this? What is happening?

Chrystal, stop it. No, you don't. Do you? When I'm thinking, I do this little— and my nanny does it now. My friends.

Maybe I got it from you.

Maybe I got it from you. Maybe you did. Because have you done this for a long time?

Yes.

I don't know that everybody's ever pointed out that I've done that. I don't think that that's a thing. Well, as soon as you did it, I was like, are you mimicking me? I don't do that all the time, do I? So maybe I got that from you. When you did it, I was like— Maybe I subconsciously picked that up. You see me.

I see you. I do that all the time.

So you've written the book. And what I found is, of course, we write from places that we have experienced or we are experiencing. And usually there's a continuation of this. Yes. So where are you currently in your "don't try this alone" life? I love that.

Obviously, I wrote this book from living in it. Correct. Let me just say that, OK? Even just like the timing of it, having to write another book. I had another book that I was going to write. It couldn't come out because of everything I had been through. And I had to write this book while experiencing so much pain. But I think the gift that it gave me— Those are the best books, though.

Because if you try to record the pain once the pain has passed, you don't capture it.

It's dull. Yeah, it's very dull. And that was my first book. Like, it was informative. Did you just say your first book was dull? Dull.

You think it's dull?

It's very practical. It's very practical. Anyone that wants to be on the healing journey, if they want a step-by-step guide on how to do it well, easy. You gave them information. Information. And this one is witness. Like, it's not just information. It's like I'm side by side with you, walking you through it, coaching you through it. Like— I mean, bearing everything, being so completely raw. And I think in this journey now, my friends have even gotten some early copies. And they're like, oh my gosh, I remember this story. And I remember when this happened and your house flooded. And we all came and saved it. And I remember all these things. And I think now I'm looking back like, not wow, Lord, I made it. But I think I'm at a place of gratitude that I— this is going to suck a little bit, that I got to so much pain in my life, a place where I was flat— I mean, I felt flatlined, that I had no choice but to have people help me. I would not have invited all of these people into my life to help me had I not had to. I did not have any strength. I mean, I wasn't— my nanny says all the time, she was like, you were sick.

I was like, thank you so much.

But I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I mean, I looked— Sickly. Anxiety just through the roof. It was terrible, truly. And I had no choice. I had kids to raise. I had a nanny to take care of. She was living with us. And I didn't have the strength or the capacity to do anything well by myself. I think I'm at a place now where I'm grateful that happened. Even though it really sucked and that pain was not worth it at all, it also wasn't wasted. I mean, gosh, what a quick turnaround for purpose, right? Sometimes you go through something hard and you don't see how God's gonna use it until 10, 20 years from now.

And he always will use it. He always uses it. We just don't know when. We just don't know when.

And the gift that the Lord has given me, why I have so much gratitude now, is you let me literally write something that's gonna help people for the ages while I was in the most pain. You— he used it. And I'm— just really grateful. Yeah. Yeah. I'm really grateful. What? It's good.

If somebody reads your book, what's their first step? They read it, they have the information, you've been with them. Yeah. And from this, they need to take a first step. What's the first step?

I think for the people that have friends in their life already, It's inviting those friends to go deeper. And that's what we did.

Stop playing around on the merry-go-round and being on the outward skirts. You having fun with your devotions?

And I write devotions, okay? Yeah, devotionals. You having fun where you and your friends only know what y'all think about the Bible?

Because listen, people will do these Bible studies, ma'am, and won't know jack squat about what's actually happening in your life.

I don't know your middle name. I don't know how your marriage is going. I don't know how your kids are doing. I don't know what struggling with. And I'm really alone with you. I'm with you, and I'm alone. We're all alone, because we haven't actually gone deep. So, if you have friends in your life already, if you're meeting consistently already, the first step is to go deeper, ask deeper questions. In our confessional community, which is our group therapy group, we've been at it for 4 years. The 2 questions that we always ask each other is, "What are you grieving?" and "What are you longing for?" And when I tell you, it just opens everybody right on up. What are you grieving and what are you longing for? If you don't have friends, your first step is to pray for them. And that's weird and awkward, and it seems very weak as an adult. But I remember the moment after my first divorce where I said, Lord, I want good friends. Like, I done been twerking in the club and we done all done all the drugs together and we've been nasty together. Okay? I want to change my life. I want to be better. I want to love you more. And I know that I need friends that want that too. Please send them. 3 months later, I'm at Gwinnett Church, North Point campus, in the green room after one of my first Sundays. There's a girl sitting in the green room. She's totally opposite of me. Tiny, white, sleeves tattooed, platinum hair. I'm like, hey girl. Sit down next to her, realize who she is. Her name is Erin Eddy. She owns an organization called So Worth Loving, and I have a So Worth Loving shirt.. And that was our connection piece. I was like, oh, I think I know who you are. She has "So Worth Loving" tattooed. I was like, I have one of your shirts. She's like, oh my goodness, I know your story. Like, you went through a divorce. I went through a divorce. I'm back in the church. I'm learning how to forgive. I'm cleaning my life up. And our friendship flourished from there. And then the Lord just kept sending them because I think the Lord actually cares about friendships and he'll send them. He'll make plans for you. But we have to get over the humility that we need to say, "Lord, can you send me good friends? Can you make me bold enough to ask a question to a stranger that I don't know, but I kind of feel like I'm supposed to talk to them? Can you show me? Can you put them in my path? Can you help me to stop blaming my personality of being an introvert on keeping me from finding and knowing deep friends?" You're not talking about yourself, though. Not me.

OK, just make it sure.

For the people. Because I don't have that issue. No, you do not. My issue is, I'm an extrovert, and it's all surface level. Lord, can you help me stop having sandwich friends that I just eat lunch with and go deep?

Mm-hmm. And you have that?

And I have that now. Hard fought for? Yes, hard fought for before tragedy hit, because I was trying my best to live on the offense, not the defense, because I wanted to have a team in place when tragedy hit. And I mean, we're not immature here. Life sucks, okay? We live in a fallen, broken world. We are living under a curse. Pain is coming. Tragedy is coming. We're seeing it in our world all over the place right now. What we should do is get equipped to handle when tragedy comes. And maybe that's not by our own strength, but maybe by a whole team of people who are standing in the trenches waiting with you.

It's almost like I have a visual of a sandbar. You don't build a sandbar on your own. Everybody comes and stacks all the things, but you do it together because you know one day something is coming and you want to be ready. Period. So stacking friends. Yeah. Building a wall. Not being alone.

Getting out in the rain. Getting out in the rain.

Don't try this. Don't try this. Don't do it. This was great. This was great. We got to wrap. You got a flight to catch. Y'all, you'll see her the next time because she'll be back.

We just come back.

Season was season. It was great. Thanks for joining me. I love you too. When you did that, it still—

I was like, I truly— I can't believe that you was with me.