Erica Campbell on Mom Guilt & Sex (Part 3 of 5)

I'm gonna assume that every now and then you have a touch of mom guilt. Oh gosh, yeah. So how do you deal with that? Y'all help me with this. You know, just as recent as trying to fly here to Dallas, my original flight was I think 12, and then my husband said, "I need you to re-record your song," so we had to go to the studio, so I pushed my flight back to 6 7:40, so I'm trying to get to the studio and get home to pack, and my kids are coming in and out of the room, and I'm trying to pack, so I get out the door, and my daughter FaceTimes me and says, "Mommy, you didn't say bye." Well, I get to the airport, I miss the flight, and I get on the 12 o'clock, 11:55 flight, so I check the bags, I'm going, "Good, I can go home and spend some time with the kids." Well, I go home and crash. And my kids come in and I'm delirious, but I'm trying to spend time with them because I'm like, you're about to leave again. And then I get to the airport and the flight's delayed an hour. And so I was just like, what is your life, Erica? Who are you? And I reprimand myself a lot. I beat Erica. Nobody can talk about Erica better than I can. Yeah. You suck right now, Erica. But it's the truth. It's the truth. Those tapes in our head, that's real. But then God is so gracious. My son will call my phone and go, "I love you, Mommy. I hope you're doing good. Was your show good today? Call me." And it just warms my heart. We were just on vacation. I have this weekend and they're coming with me next week. But the enemy has a way of making me feel bad for the work that I do. It causes me to pay attention. So I know that I have to FaceTime a little bit more and I have to make sure that I'm listening and not just barking orders. Clean your room. Did you do this? Did you take your vitamins? You know, instead of doing, how was your day? What did you do? What did you like? Was that fun? What movie did you watch? So I kind of do that just to kind of get them talking so they're used to talking to mommy as opposed to me just talking to them. And it's the best moments ever because their personalities are so different, but they're so adorable. And I get to kind of— She needs a few spankings. I think she got saved when we went to Israel. Yes, we went to the tomb and we took communion and she was sitting there on her daddy's lap with her hands folded and I was like, she's saved! Yes! Let's go dunk her in the Jordan River here! We got her! We got her, Jesus! Yeah, because this is the child that says, uh, do you want to share with Mommy? Nope. Why? You don't want to share with Mommy? Nope, because it's mine. And then she pointed to it, it was candy. It's mine. Well, if that's an indication of salvation, then none of my kids are saved. We have a lot of work to do at my house. Okay, what is the biggest What's the biggest lesson that you've learned in marriage that you think is useful for other women, but they don't really want to hear about it? I think it should be related to sex. Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you. Being honest about what you like and what you don't like, and what you want and what you don't want. Communicating. Communicating honestly. From a place that allows you to not just go with the flow. And I think a lot— I think there's a lot of— you're so discreet. That was such a discreet— I know, I think there's a lot of fun satisfied. So you're not just going with the flow, you need to have, um, enthusiastic— she likes to talk about sex. I think it's important. I think there's a lot of married women who are just there, they don't enjoy it, they're just like, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. They don't look forward to it, they're rolling their eyes like, oh God, okay, here we go. And I think this is all the way in the corner of the bed, don't touch me, please don't put that toe over here on me. Okay, because the toe can be an indicator. That's always an indication. It's always an indication. The toe is always an indicator. So, you know, I sometimes I scoot all the way to the right and But we've kind of built this conversation where we're honest. Um, he, you know, he just let out. Yeah, there are certain seasons where you're like, when you're nursing, you're just like, oh no, it doesn't, you know, and then you feel differently when, if you're starting to creep into menopause, you feel differently at certain times of the month, you feel differently. So it just, it's like a real thing. I tell my husband now, let's look at the calendar. Okay. We know I'm untouchable this week. Okay. And the week after I need to kind of get my mind right. But these two weeks are yours. Have at it. You know what I mean? Okay, this is hers. Shire Seven, look at that. Oh my gosh. This is the week I'm untouchable. This is the week I need to get my life together. Right. But right here, listen. But what if you happen to be traveling, then he just out, just stuck out. Then we can make adjustments to the schedule. We can make adjustments to the travel schedule. Trying to help her out. Her ministry events are planned 6 months, 8 months, a year in advance. But you know what? Sometimes he'll just take a plane if it gets You know, to a certain point. You can have booty calls in marriage, basically. Can I just say that? I mean, communication runs both ways. Communication runs both ways. I mean, here's the other side of it. The other side of it is, I mean, that you enjoy it. Yeah. And you know what I'm saying? And then maybe he's traveling or he's busy. You're like, dude, hello? Right. Hey, can I take a plane to you? Right. Or when you get home, I'll be ready. I mean, we've had those conversations. So I mean, communication is both ways about everything, about this issue and everything. But I think it's like what you're saying. I think we get married, I wanted to be the good wife, and there are anticipated roles that we think we're supposed to slip into in the kitchen, the kids, with the house, in the bedroom, whatever. And then you realize this role don't fit, or it doesn't fit this year, or it doesn't fit this season, and you have to tell them or else they won't know. Here's what I know for sure. Growing up in church, sex was never the conversation. You learn not to do it, don't do it, don't do it, and get married, and you're supposed to know everything. So most people, um, no, for when you get married, you reference videos. Some people reference pornography because that's why they talk to their safe gay friend, because they don't want anybody to think that they're filthy. And so you get all this information from— that's not— that doesn't fit God's design for the beauty of what he wants you to enjoy. And so You have information. I mean, I know some Christian women were like, we're going to hire a stripper to, you know, teach us some stuff. I said, so let me get this right. You're going to bring a random chick who does not love God, who does not understand the beauty of this union that God created to show you some stuff. I think, I think they don't have a rep. They have— because we don't talk about it in church. Yeah. Then we have to go outside of God's people. To understand the beauty of something that's God-given. And I have— this might be your new ministry because you've seen— I had my conference More Than Pretty, and I— it was so hard searching for a Christian sex therapist, someone who understood God's perspective and knew how to really understand the body and how we are and the, you know, just the chemical things that happen that stop and inhibit the things from your past. The preconceived ideas that you have that can kind of keep you from really enjoying— I'm talking about for married women, married women, people that can really enjoy and be married. Gotta be married, gotta put a ring on it. Um, but really be satisfied, you know, and understand that men's needs are different, you know. I mean, if, if God made anything better, he left it in heaven. So I mean, why not be as well educated as we can so we have healthy healthy relationships. Not that, okay, we pray together and we got our 401 and we have our, you know, retirement. We talk about everything else, everything. Yeah, the kids' college funds. But you don't talk about your intimacy and your connect— your connectedness. Is that a word? I just make that up. No, that's like a good word. That's a good word. Making sure that you do desire them, that you do look at them, that when you're not there you think about them and you want to call them. And you know what I mean? I— that has to exist, but it has to be developed. It's not automatic just because you got married. I remember like the movies, it's not like the movies. My mom told me, she said the night she got married she was in a beautiful negligee in the bathroom, terrified. She said she was like trying to pose, just trying to— yeah, no, that looks stupid. Wait, uh, wait, that looks stupid. And, and you know, she wasn't a virgin when she got married, but still She didn't have that level of comfort or anybody to talk to. Now, nowadays we have social media, so people are meeting a legitimate need in an illegitimate way. You know what I mean? I don't, you know, and I love people and I know people do what they do, but I don't feel like I have to watch R&B videos in order to please my man. I don't feel like that should be my source. I don't think there's anything, I don't think there's a Christian source sex thing, so you kind of have to kind of figure it out. I'm feeling like you might have to come to my church. Look, Priscilla is good for giving you a ministry. But you know what, I was like, people are going to think I'm weird, because I started in— when I first started More Than Pretty, I was like, they're going to think I'm weird, they're going to think I'm nasty, then people are going to be looking at me funny, and preachers are going to be like, "Bring your conference to my church." But you know what, even if there are some who do, it is a need that a lot of people will be looking at you and saying, "Oh my gosh, thank you." Okay, can you give her a second to say what More Than Pretty is? Because I think a lot of people want to know exactly what this conference is. So More Than Pretty was a conference designed to talk about Christianity and sexuality. I have 7 sisters, I have a big circle of girlfriends, and we would have conversations in church, our group, we had something called YWCC, Young Women's Christian Counsel, and they would talk about everything. They would talk about the desires that you have and little urges that you get. They talked about masturbation, they talked about premarital sex, they talked about all these things that equipped us with information. So by the time I was 17, I was pretty curvy and I wasn't active at all, but I walked past this usher and she said, "She's probably having sex," and it crushed me because I was like, did I look some— did I walk a certain way? Did I— Do I got a demon and I don't know it? Why would she say that about me? And I was so hurt that she would imply that about me. And so I started looking at myself differently, because I was like, I guess something's on me and I don't know it. And so I started to define myself based on that woman's words. And then it happened again, because I had a boyfriend. And I wasn't— I was scary. You kiss too long and I go, let's pray, we're going to go to hell. You know what I mean? I don't want to kiss you no more, you know, but you grow and then, you know, things happen and you experience things and so you take it as a slash toward you, toward who you are. I owned the mistakes that I made. I would own, you know, I wore them. And so I realized that I was more than that, you know, and that God's forgiveness and grace covered even that. And so I started to want to be a full and complete woman. This is somewhere in my 20s. So, you know, fast forward to being married, married people would always, because I would have these kind of conversations with young friends and young married women, young singles, and they would go, "You should really do something with this." You know, and especially because I was deemed the pretty one. What does that mean? But, you know, "Oh, she's the pretty one." You know, "Tina's this, and this friend is this, and this is the smart one." And she's the educated one, and she's the pretty one. And I felt like that was an insult. I was like, that's not who— that's not— that doesn't make me feel— right! That there's nothing more to me than the outside. And so I figured if I felt that way, there were other girls that felt that way. And so I You know, I didn't know what in the world I was doing. I just put this one event together and about 300 and something women showed up. We had a panel, we had a married panel, so we had Devon Franklin and his wife, me and my husband, another married couple, and then we did a singles panel. One was from church, one was not, and I wanted them to speak honestly. And when we finished, there were so many women that were just going, thank you, I learned something about myself that I did not know because no one's ever talked about this you just hear "don't" and if you do you're this and so you have to get forgiveness and you just have to restrain and you don't— I just think that it's okay to find out why God created sex. Why did he make us these sexual physical beings? What was the reason for my curves? Like, you know, I don't think the devil gave me this skin that I'm in. God gave it to me and if he did, why? And I want to know why and I want to be able to help young girls who have thoughts and feelings even as young as 12 years old and all they think is, "I'm nasty and I can't say anything." So you live, and so the enemy lives in this private party and he's talking to you about you and you see things that trigger. And so these desires are rising in you and no one's addressing it. They just say, "Don't do it." We've got to have this conversation because young girls are getting pregnant and having abortions, and boys are doing certain things and they're just leaving the church because they feel like, "I can't really, I can't, I'm just wrong, I'm just all kinds of wrong." And sometimes it's not that you are a mistake, you made a mistake, and there's grace for that, and there should be information that comes with that conversation. And so, um— I love all of that, and I love your passion. Yeah, yeah, that's really great. I mean, it just rises up out of you. I love that.