Fathers...It's Your Time!

Hi, my name is Chrystal Hurst, and I'm so glad you're joining me. I have a special guest for you. I'm so excited, and I'll tell you about who it is in just a minute. But first, if this is your first time finding me on YouTube or Facebook, be sure to subscribe on YouTube or like and follow me on Facebook. And then, because I know this episode is gonna be great, plan to share it, or share it now. Now's a good time. My guest today is Jonathan Evans. He's my baby brother, and I'm joined along with him and his wife, Kanika Evans, We're going to be talking about fatherhood. And before you click pause, we're talking about fatherhood for him, what he's struggling with, what he's learned, but I'm also talking to my sister in love, Kanika, because she has a different perspective. As a woman who grew up in her childhood without her father, that totally has affected how she sees both her life and her motherhood and her marriage to my brother. It's a great, well-rounded conversation and you're going to love it. I also want to tell you about his new book. It's called The Time Is Now.

Your time is now.

Time is now, and your time is now to possibly also win a copy of this book. So how do you do that? You put in the comments how you feel about Father's Day. You love it, you hate it, you ignore it, you skip it, you cry through it, you, you enjoy it and share a gift with your favorite dad. Just comment on Facebook or YouTube while you're watching this in the live premiere or after the replay. On Wednesday in the evening, when the day is over, on June 23rd, we'll select a winner, and I'll have two, one for each platform. So So check it out. Your time is now. Now, let me tell you about one other thing that it's time for. It is time for you to think about joining the Inner Circle. Why? Because we have multiple levels to the Inner Circle. Every Monday I go live with the Inner Circle. They get backstage passes to the recording of these interviews or my Coffee with Chrystal Hurst, mostly just me, and also a bit of foolery before and a lot of foolery after. If you want to be a part of the live audience, simply go to chrystalevanshurst.com/innercircle. And also, the time is now because on July 1st, the doors open for the other levels. What are the other levels of the Inner Circle, you say? Well, not only do you get backstage passes to my weekly lives, but at the other levels you get access to courses, you get access to journeys with me and friends, you get access to training and development and resources. And in July, we'll be spending the next 90 days together— July, August, and September— working on how we can thrive, how in this next season you can refuel, you can rest, you can recreate and reinvent yourself. And because a lot of us need to thrive by getting some of this weight off, there will be an extra bonus health challenge, a fat demon challenge, just for you. The doors open July 1st. Mark your calendar. And either way, first level or the others, go to ChrystalEvansHurst.com/innercircle for more information. Now, without further ado, it is time to watch this episode with my brother Jonathan and my sister-in-law Kanika. Hey everybody, welcome to my show, another episode of Coffee with Chrystal, and today I am here with my brother Jonathan and my sister-in-love Kanika Evans, and they're here and we are praying, even though we know it's not gonna happen, that our kids stay quiet. So when you hear kids in the background, just know that's because we've stuffed them into a room watching VeggieTales, and we have told them that they need to be quiet, but they're kids and we're squeezing this interview in because I think it's one that you need to know about. Welcome, John John.

Glad to be here. Hi.

First and foremost, I want to tell you about Jonathan's new book. It is called Your Time Is Now. That's the name of the book. Okay. And the subtitle is Get What God Has Given You. So before we say anything else, why? First of all, I cannot believe You write books.

I know, I know. Cause you know, dad talked a lot about my journey just in school. And the reason why she says that is because I am not, never was academically strong. So that wasn't my thing. I wasn't a formal learner type guy, always struggled in school, diagnosed with all the ADDs and ADHDs and all of those kinds of things. And so now she's like, I can't believe you're writing a book, but God is able to do things. He's able to, he's able to change things. And that's one of the reasons why I wrote this book, Your Time Is Now, is because, you know, as the last kid in the family, um, I would always ask the question, hey, when is it going to be my turn? You know, just being a kid, when is it going to be my turn? And my mom and dad would always tell me, it's always your turn because God uses everything and doesn't waste anything. And so a lot of people are waiting on this pinnacle point, not realizing they're ignoring the journey for the goal. God uses all of it. So all time is now because God works all things out for good for those who love God and are called according to his purposes. And so we can't get down and out, down and out when we're down and out. We got to realize that when we're down and out, God is using the downtime so that we can be successful in the uptime. All right.

So that's why he's a preacher right there. Cause I asked him one question and he went into a full-blown sermon with points, with points, with points. This episode is going live right now in the Inner Circle, but it will be airing on Father's Day. And so I know that this is a book for everyone, right? Right. But the idea that, that the time right now, it's an important time right now for fathers to kind of rise up. And I know fatherhood is important to you. We've had a great dad, of course. And I see you with your 5 kids. See, my 5 kids were spread out. Y'all's are compacted.

Compact. They in there.

Your kids are— tell the ages of How old are your kids?

12, 10, 7, 5, and 2.

They're in there, literally in there, over there watching VeggieTales. And so fatherhood is a big part of what you're doing right now, just with your time. And so I guess I just wanted to start by asking you to share a word of encouragement for fathers as a father.

Well, yes. So as a father, it's big time. One of the things that I'm doing right now is working on balancing my life better, uh, because I want my kids and my wife to make sure that they know that they're the most important. And I can say it, but they not really realize it because of how my time is spent. So one of the hardest things for me right now is balancing, trying to make sure that the world doesn't get more of me than my family. And so I want to encourage all of the fathers out there, especially when you're in the young children phase like I am, um, there's really a struggle with the, uh, provision and the, uh, and you know, the reality of your person at home and being with your family. And so I just want to encourage you, the Bible says, I think it's Proverbs 11:1, somebody can check me on that, but, um, you know, not having a good, just balance is an abomination to the Lord, it says. And so one of the things that I encourage fathers out there to do is try to figure out ways where you can make sure your family knows, uh, that you love them the most, that what you're doing is for them. And that your time needs to be portioned out appropriately so that they can recognize your presence in the home. And so that's kind of my encouragement for fathers, because Father's Day is an everyday thing. It's not just a holiday, it's an everyday. And so we want them to be able to realize our presence in the home so that they can actually experience the reality of having a good dad.

So let me ask Kanika, I know that we always talk about our father. We always talk about his presence. I'm talking to you about my brother and how he's a great great dad. Kanika is a great mom, but she has a different perspective. And I just wanted you to hear from her a little bit as to— well, I guess, Kanika, I want you to speak to two things. One is from your perspective of a wife, like how it blesses you for Jonathan as a husband to be engaged as a father, but also you as a daughter and that perspective. And based on your experience, why that's so important. And while I know that a lot of the viewers are women, I know for a fact that there are men that watch, and some of the wives and the sons and the brothers of these women watch. So speaking specifically to the men from your perspective, what would you say from your experience being a wife and a daughter?

Okay, so I will start with being a daughter because I feel like that will flow into being a wife. So a little bit about my story. Basically, I was raised by a single parent mom. My parents were never married. And I had kind of an in-and-out relationship with my father until about 6th grade, and then we stopped communication totally until I was an adult. But it's still been very sporadic and has not been a good relationship. Um, so I think for me, one of the things I was looking for when I was looking for a mate was someone that I knew would be a good father because I wanted to give my kids something better than I had growing up. And so, you know, sometimes you see a dad like yours and you say, that's what I want to do when I grow up. Or that's— or Chrystal, you would say, that's the kind of husband I want is like my dad. And for me, I was like, that's what I don't want. Let me find the opposite of that whenever I'm looking. So it actually worked out pretty good.

I think it worked out. Hopefully you think so.

But Jonathan's a great dad and I try to affirm him of that. Because I know you do feel the pull of doing both things. But I mean, I feel like our kids are thrilled to have you as a dad, and I'm thrilled to have you as a dad to our kids.

So, so, so, yeah. So with that background, what are the things that you see that you're like, this is great? Like, this is what— this is— these are the things that he's doing as a dad that I, that I think matter, that Sometimes I think when you— anytime you've had anything, there may be not as much appreciation for it or excitement about it because it seems normal to you. So what do you think seems normal but you think, wow, this is really great? Well, the everyday things.

I think the everyday thing starts with our relationship and how he is really intentional about, you know, if we're having a disagreement, let's clear this up. Let's not sit on it for a long time. Let's communicate about it because, you know, the best thing you can give your kids is a stable home environment. So I think that's really important because, you know, now a lot of people will be like, well, I'm out, you know, we're not getting along anymore. And then what that does to the kids, you know, as a result of that, um, you know, it's just difficult for them. So I think putting the time into the relationship actually is a great snowball effect for the kids.

When we have disagreements, what was it you said about the, uh, about we have a disagreement and I'm like, oh, this is a bad thing. But then I was like, no, this is the best.

Oh, the first time we had a disagreement because Jonathan was my first boyfriend, like for real boyfriend. So the first time we got into a disagreement, you know, and our voices got elevated, I was like, oh no, this is terrible, it's not gonna work. And he was like, that's the best argument I've ever had. But in my mind, I didn't grow up seeing, you know, yeah. And so for him, he was like, you didn't cuss me out, you didn't, you know, this was great.

So yeah, okay, so what's next?

So okay, so stable marriage. What are some of the everyday things too, just like as you think about him right now? Y'all just came back from vacation, you just picked up all your kids, and the things that you expect to see him doing over the next just the next few days that you're like, this is what good dads do?

He just— he plays with the kids. He's out there outside playing with the boys, playing basketball. He'll get on the trampoline and jump around with everybody. Just whatever they're doing, he's engaged in, you know, he'll try to sit down with the girls and you paint their nails sometimes.

And yeah, I try to. I'm good. I got to work on that.

Yeah.

And better.

So just the little everyday things. Yeah. Being present. And you even have a time that you will put your phone down. I think that's the best part because they don't feel like you're torn during their playtime. So you literally will go outside and leave your phone in the house so that it's not even a distraction.

Yeah, that's the problem though with that phone imbalance, is what I was talking about, is because the, the work comes through the phone now. So it does not— which is always with you, which is always with me. And so I, I can sense them coming to me and being like, Dad, What are you doing? Can you— and then, you know, put your phone down, you know, that kind of thing. And so I really have to be intentional about putting it down so that I can spend time with them.

So anyways, talk a little bit about that tension and how you're working through it, because I know it actually is a current tension for you. Like you're every day just trying to work that out. What are the boundaries that you set? What are the things that you have to think about, think through? How do you talk yourself into being at home when there's pressure at work?

Yeah. So I think one of the things that all people need to realize, whether mom or dad, but since we're Father's Day, I'll say the dads, but anybody can get this, is that whenever you are using work as an excuse to stay on your phone, because what I'll do is I'll use work. Well, I have to be on my phone because I have to work, but I'll use that as a justification to continue to be on my phone. While my kids are standing there waiting for their father. And you know what I'm talking about. You know the difference of when you actually have to be engaged or when you use work as a, as an excuse to be checked out and to be checked into your phone, just literally scrolling, just checking emails you can check the next day. There are certain things that can be put off until tomorrow, and we use work as an excuse. So whenever you can sense that internally, you may not say it out loud, but you can sense it internally. That's when I drop my phone. That's when I know that I'm choosing the lesser as if it's the greater. That's when I know that I'm not being responsible as a father, and I sense that tension. So I drop my phone, put it in the other room, uh, plug it up, and then I come out and check in to my kids or go outside or just basically distance myself from it. Because the phone is not just an addiction for kids, it's an addiction for adults. And I'm trying to make sure— and I'm still not there yet— but I'm trying to make sure that when my kids grow up, they don't, they don't just say, only thing Dad did was work and be on his phone. Because that is not a legacy you want to hear as an, as an old man or old woman. That's not the legacy you want to have, is, is that that's what they remember. And so while I have to work on it a lot, I work on my phone a lot. That's something that you want to under— because that's an internal thing. Nobody can sense that but you. And so you have to be responsible with, with what the Holy Spirit is telling you in that moment. Hey, you're making this an excuse. You're halfway lying. Time to your kids, using this as an opportunity to stay checked out when you ought to be checked in with them. And so that is a very practical thing that people can do internally. There's no secret sauce. There's no secret sauce to you giving that time. It's making that time and giving it.

Let's talk about traditions. So I know our family, mom and dad, were big on traditions. What are some of the traditions that you all have as a family that are spurred on by you? Jonathan, do you feel like you bring that with you, or do you feel like Kanika, as the mom, you kind of rest on her to do that?

Or—

No, I think traditions, I'm not sure, because our traditions have always been strong. So we've kind of carried a lot of those Christmas traditions. You know, a lot of those Easter traditions are a part of our family as a whole being together. But I would say I'm real strong on carving out, you know, family time. And I'm carving— I'm real strong with carving out date night time. So I know this is about fatherhood, but we going on dates and we figure that thing out. But I'm also the spontaneous dad. So in a moment's notice, I'd be like, all right, everybody jump in the car, let's go get some ice cream. And they just, what?

Yeah.

You know, so I'm spontaneous. I enjoy breaking the schedule. I enjoy, you know, being in the middle of homeschool and saying, okay, let's do a real estate field trip. And so they'll put their work down and we'll go around and we'll, we'll teach them about real estate. Um, so I like to create those spontaneous moments for family, and I always am booking a trip for family. So I'm always looking, where can we go this year? What can we do? How can we spend that time together as a family? Uh, because I know that's where memories are made. So our traditions are big because It's a part of our whole family. But being spontaneously fun and booking trips and taking that— carving out that time has always been important.

But you also have like the— I mean, I don't know that you would call it a tradition because it happens almost every day at dinner time that you do some Bible study during dinner time and pouring into them that way. Or if you know dinner is going to be busy, then you'll do it at breakfast.

Yep.

Just so they're getting that every day.

Right. Yeah. Right now, my oldest two, I'm taking them through the Book of Proverbs because they need to learn about wisdom, understanding, and discernment. Can somebody say amen? So we're taking them through Proverbs. And so I sit there with my oldest two and I'm just working my way through that book so that they can understand the importance of wisdom. Um, but I have all the kids at dinner. Um, I'll pull out the Bible and do one verse because I got a 2-year-old at the table all the way to 12. So just one verse, but that's, we try to do that every day. We miss days, but we try to do it as often as possible because I want them to remember the importance of the table and how much they learned when we were together as a family. So that is a practical thing that I learned from my dad and mom. 'Cause me and Chrystal were at that table to bringing it to my own table and setting that same tradition.

What are, what are some things or a thing, Kanika, that you feel like that Jonathan has needed your input about, even though he has great intentions, even though we have a great dad, even though his desire is to be there for his family, that you've kind of had to say, hey, like, this is something I'm, I know, I know you're, I know you're attempting to get this right and you're doing a great job, but I need to give you some input here. Where has he needed your encouragement or constructive input?

Paying attention, like when they're trying to show me something.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes the kids will come up to Jonathan and they'll be like, look at this. Or like maybe one of them, I just did their hair. So I'll kind of nudge Jonathan and be like, doesn't Kyler's hair look beautiful?

And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh my God, just check in. Look at your hair.

And they have no idea that I just cued him to help him notice that. But, you know, they love it. They're like, oh, you noticed?

You know?

So that's one thing.

That's real because she helps me with all of the— I'm a big vision up in the sky guy. She is down here on the ground, handle the details and make sure we're organized woman. And so when it comes to those things that I may be missing, that where I should be excited about them, but I'm just looking at them with a blank stare. She definitely cues me to make sure that they experience the engagement that I would, that I need to have. And so she's always on those details. So that, that's big for me. And then I jump in, "Oh, look at you," you know, and do that whole deal. So she makes me look good.

What would you say to women who need to understand how they can encourage the fathers of their children? To be engaged in that way, you know what I mean?

Well, I just think, you know, having those conversations to make sure that the dad and father understands how big their presence and influence is in a child's life. So whatever your background and experience is, if you didn't have a dad, then you really have something to say. If you did have a dad, you really have something to say because you're able to talk from both, both vantage points to help the husband or the father understand how big it is when he takes his daughter on a date and he has a consistent date night with his daughter. How big that is for him to sit down with his sons and teach them about manhood. How big it is for him to be excited when they do something good. For, for how big it is for, for him not to miss a game, for him to be at all the games, to work his schedule out around his son or daughter's activities. How big it is for him to realize that his legacy is etched in stone later for the time he spends now.

Woo!

And so again, I don't even know how big it is for him to understand that his legacy is etched in stone later for the time he spends now. And when we understand—

Shameless plug.

Yeah.

So when we understand that, when a man is able to see the big picture, then he gets better in the details. Sometimes if he doesn't see the big picture, if he's not able to see the line down the line, then he may not be as influenced to be about his business currently. And so with men, you have to ground them in how they're viewed from a legacy perspective, because that, that, that means something to a man when he's able to talk— when you're able to talk to him from a lineage, heritage perspective. So I think that's important for ladies to understand.

I think even practically, it's The everyday things, like when the kids come home, you know, well, when you come home and we're home, then I'm— I hear the garage coming up, you know, and I'm like, I think Daddy's here, you know. So then they all run up and say Daddy whenever you come home.

Yeah, like it's a big deal.

Like it's a big deal. Or even whenever they feel like, because you travel so much, you know, they'll be— they'll say Daddy's going out of town again. And I'm like, well, this is what Daddy does to work for our family so that we can eat and y'all can do all the things y'all like to do.

See, that's what she does See, that's the kind of thing that I'm talking about, is that when they're complaining or grumbling, she always has my back, which in turn gears their mindset differently. Because if she was like, I know he's gone again, guys, you know, it's just the way that it is, then they would carry that same countenance against me. But because she's like, you know, when they, when they do that, she turns it, then they turn and they're like, okay, well then this is how, you know. So a woman can really have a man's back. By not being a part of the kid squad when it comes to how they complain about daddy's work schedule or how they complain about, you know, it may be something to complain about, but you're able to help them see the positive side of it, not just the negative side of it. One thing that I'll say is when I travel now, a part of that intentionality is I take the two older kids with me. So they take turns going to my speaking engagements and sometimes they'll go together.

Flying, eating that hotel food. They're excited.

Yeah. They like, oh, we're going to get some steak. Daddy, can you give me some steak? You know what I mean? But they enjoy it. Now they'll remember, you know, they alternate and go on these trips. And so they'll remember, hey, we used to fly with dad. We used to go with dad. Those are the intentional things that I can— I can't take the little 3 yet. They ain't ready. But as they get older, they'll graduate to this level of being able to jump on planes with dad.

So I know we talked a little bit about Kanika, your experience and how that has— like you talked about, about the marriage and the argument. How do you think that affects your parenting though, positively or negatively?

Well, I, I think one thing that's helpful is that I'm not doing it all by myself. I mean, because I saw the way my mother struggled and was working multiple jobs and all of those things. It helps that we are able to parent as a team, um, so that way it's not one person is always the disciplinarian, you know. We're able to kind of come together and say, okay, this is what we— how we think we should do this. So the times that I think I might be too hard or too easy, I can consult with you and we can kind of figure, figure that out.

Or when I'm being too easy, you're like, babe, no, especially with those girls. Yeah, especially with those girls. I definitely can be a little too soft. So she helps. So it's just balance.

Let's talk about restoring relationship. I know that when you have kids, you realize that you jumped the gun or you said something you shouldn't have. And there's the ongoing restoration a good father would have. And then there are women I know who are trying to figure out how they can restore relationship with their dad when there is frustration, anger, disappointment about that he, he wasn't there. So whether we're talking about restoration downline or restoration upline, can both of you speak to what restoration should look like or can look like in your current parenting journey or in your journey as a daughter? You're still a daughter.

Um, okay, so for me, we did make an attempt at restoration. Um, it was actually after I got married, so I had my husband there, which I'm glad he was there as my covering. But, um, we did make an attempt at restoration, um, and the way we did that was through a mediator, and so that we had a neutral party who could see both sides I think one of the hardest things that I've observed that fathers have if they weren't present in their kids' lives is that they have a guilt that it's hard for them to overcome, either overcome or even admit. I think if they're able to admit it, that's the first step to moving forward. But if you get to a place where you're trying to talk about it and they're still defending what they did, it kind of doesn't go anywhere. And even for me, I, I'm at the point where I have completely forgiven my father. I know that that was part of God's journey for me and who he created me to be. And so, um, I'm not hanging that over his head. However, for my biological father, he, um, he just has some characteristics that are still present that I know are toxic for me and for my family. And I don't want to introduce my children to that. I don't want to put myself through all of that back and forth and all those things. So, you know, I have had to make a decision that if I see him somewhere, I will be cordial to him. I will be respectful. He's my father. But as far as having an ongoing relationship that's deeper than that, I just— I'm not going to do that.

So, yeah, I mean, forgiveness and reconciliation is two different things. So we got to understand that.

And what about you apologizing to your children, realizing, admitting that maybe you did something that wasn't correct? I know that even as a mom, I have to notice when I could easily justify, you know, their feelings are hurt and I'm explaining away all the reasons why it had to be that way or why it made sense. And but I think that, that the ability of any parent to do that is important. But I think it's it's especially powerful when your father can say, "I didn't do that right." So do you have that experience even now parenting your children?

Yeah, absolutely. I definitely make sure that, um, apologizing and being and showing humility is a part of being a husband and a father. Because if you don't do that, what your kids are going to do is replicate you, and they're going to get older and they're going to be fussing and doing all of these different things to their kids. And even in moments where they realize they're wrong, they're just going to put their foot down and keep going, um, and their kids are gonna, are gonna harbor this, this anger and resentment because the kids like, you didn't have to do all that, you know what I mean? There's— okay, so I think that it's important for kids to understand that there's a humility that comes from their parents where they can say, well, this is what— why I drew the line, but you know, I overreacted here, so I apologize for this part of So being able to do that, I think, is important. And I do that with Kanika, as you know, my wife. So I make sure that, you know, if we have a disagreement or something goes wrong or goes left, that I come back as soon as possible and apologize for what I did wrong with no buts, you know, however, conversely, that ain't no apology. When you throw that in there, you just run right back into the problem. So Um, I think that that's an important thing to do for spouses and parents.

That's good.

That's okay.

It's good too because I think kids naturally grow up thinking their parents are perfect. I mean, like, if you have decent parents, you know. And so, um, or they feel like they're the standard they could never live up to. But, um, I think showing that, yes, we're all imperfect, we all make mistakes, this is how you handle it. Yes, it's important.

So good. What do you think, in closing, if you had to pick one, what is the biggest lesson that you feel like being a father has taught you?

I feel like the biggest lesson that being a father has taught me— it teaches me what my relationship with God really is. It teaches me how great— how much grace he's given me, how much mercy he's given me, how much forgiveness he's given me, how much patience he has for me, how much love he has for me, how kind he is for me. I mean, it teaches me— what is it, 1 1 Corinthians 13, Galatians 5:22. It teaches me that what he is for me is so amazing because I struggle to be that for them. In all of the scenarios where they're not acting right, where they're being disobedient, and when I'm being reactionary instead of, um, instead of forgiving and patient. So it lets me know how much more I should honor God, my Father, and my my father, Tony Evans, how much more I should honor him because of what I'm experiencing with them.

Well, you all, I hope you enjoyed that. I hope it's been helpful to you to hear more from my brother Jonathan and Kanika and, uh, to see their kids on here who have been pretty good, pretty good for the whole time I've been recording. Again, his new book is Your Time Is Now. Get What God Has Given You, and it's a great read. It's an easy read, and then it also has QR codes, right, for watching videos.

So no, there's a movie in it. There's a whole movie. It's a whole movie and a soundtrack. And so the book has a movie and a soundtrack. So as you read, you watch a movie, and then at the end of the book, there's another QR code so you can download the soundtrack and work out to it, ride to it. So after the book is done, it continues.

Your time is now. Pick it up anywhere books are sold. And I'm proud of you, Jon Jon.

I appreciate it. I appreciate it. A lot of work.

All right, y'all.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, guys.