Healing From Codependency: Love People Without Losing Yourself

Let's talk about codependency. Are you codependent? Well, let's see. Have you ever felt like your sense of peace depended on how someone else felt or how they responded to you? Do you ever find it easier to meet everyone else's needs more than voicing your own? And when was the last time you said yes when you really should have said no to something that even though your heart said no and your schedule said no or your health was saying no, you said yes and you shouldn't have? Well, if you are answering in the affirmative of any of those questions,. You might be struggling with codependency, and that's okay. That's all right. We all struggle with something, and we want to talk about it today so you can recognize it and free yourself from it if that's what you need to do in this world at this time. Let's get into it. Y'all, here's the deal. I am a Christian. I love Jesus, and I'm also a firstborn, all the things that go along with that birth order, and I'm raised in a Christian environment, and so there's all these boxes to check about what it means to be a good girl, what it means to love Jesus, and how that means that you are kind and considerate and others-centered. The problem is that sometimes others-centered can go too far, too far where you are not centered enough on what God would have you to do with your life and what's a priority in the season of life that you're in. And so there have been seasons of my life when I thought that being a good Christian girl meant keeping other people happy. And it wasn't that I couldn't find happiness on my own. It's just that if you're supposed to have joy, Jesus and others, then you— well, everybody else has got to come before you. And that messaging can get embedded in the heart of a young girl in a way that she has to untangle herself from that over time. And I definitely had to do the work of that for sure. And I'm still working on that because as my birth order would suggest. People pleasing is kind of second nature, solving everyone's problems and making sure things are okay. I'm the responsible firstborn, and so it's something that has been a part of my DNA, um, for a long time. I didn't like the word because it's a therapy word. You know, we have the therapy words and we have the identification words, and I don't want any of those labels. But I think it's important that we know not so much what the labels are, but what does it mean for me? You know, if I take this conversation and apply it to, let's just say autism. Autism has a spectrum and a label of autism does not mean that there's a cookie-cutter look for every person who has autism because there is a spectrum, a level of severity. There's a different people with autism have different levels of communication or different abilities to understand unspoken nuances in conversation. And in the same way, there are lots of, things that are on the spectrum when we're talking about our psychological well-being, our therapeutic responses, and how we fare with our mental health. So when I use this word, I wanna make sure that you understand, I don't want to label you in a way that makes you feel some kind of way about who you are, but I do want you to recognize what there may be in your life to improve upon. So let's first of all acknowledge and talk about what codependency actually is. So codependency is a psychological condition or relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another person who is often controlling or manipulating, like a person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. And codependency can look like enablement, where you are feeding someone else's bad habit, but it doesn't have to. We want to be aware of, um, where we might be feeding into some things that are not good for us while we're trying to make sure that everybody else is good. And so that's the question I would ask you. Do you find that you're always trying to make sure everybody else is good? And if so, what does that do to you and your well-being? You know, out here in these streets, we believe in every now and again asking chat what he or she says. My chat said codependency is a behavioral or emotional pattern in which a person's sense of worth, identity, or stability becomes overly tied to someone else's, and you're trying to fix it, control it, please them, help them to a degree that it's to your own detriment. In other words, you're okay if they're okay, and if they're not okay, you're not okay. And putting people's well-being before your own puts you in a deficit, in an unhealthy deficit. Now, how do we define unhealthy deficit? Because, you know, is there sacrifice involved in honoring other people? Yes. Is there, is there the truth that thinking about others sometimes beyond yourself means that you are okay with letting something go? Sure. So where's the barometer in my life and in your life for how far we go? Well, I wanna, I wanna talk about that, but I wanna start with this though. It's important for you to recognize codependency because if you don't recognize it, right, then you can't even address it. You can't even address it. And codependency would seek to have you tie your identity and peace to a person or people instead of God. That is actually the biggest problem. Because if you go back to God, who is your Father, who cares about you, you are royalty. Ephesians 1 tells us you're adopted into the royal family of God. So you are a daughter of the King. And if your Father would say, Girl, get off these streets and stop selling yourself to these people who do not value you. That is the barometer. So it's going back to the person who gives you your value, gives you your worth, gives you your purpose, to say, should I be giving of myself to this person or this situation in this way? And if you're not sure, you go back to the one who defines you, who gives you an independently value and unique persona, and you say, is this the sacrifice you want me to make? So the sacrifice and surrender and the moving around things that makes things better for other people is not just because you're trying to fix them. It's because you're trying to honor God, and that's an overflow of what you feel like he's asking you to do. So why do we do it? Let's talk about the root of codependency. Proverbs 29:25 says that the fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. When you are afraid that if I don't do it, they won't like me, or if I don't do it, they're gonna fail, or if I don't do it, then they're gonna treat me poorly. Codependency often grows out of fear, fear of rejection, a fear of abandonment, or a fear of conflict. In my life, I'm very aware of situations where I just wanna keep the peace. I don't like conflict. Uh, I don't want to be navigating that. I just want everybody to be okay. And I'm a zero to 60 person. So that means I'm either trying to make sure everybody's okay, like I'm trying to keep the peace, or I come in with a machete because I'm very clear about what the end result should be and what the right thing is. I have strong opinions about what's right. And because I'm so afraid that I'm going to come in with the machete, that I end up here on this other lane, you know, crawling at 5 miles an hour trying to make sure that everything's okay. So I actually know physically what it feels like to try to make sure that the room is kept stable. And what is my fear? My fear is that other people's feelings are hurt. My fear is that I am misread, that people don't understand who I am or assign mal-intent to me. My fear is that if I come correct in the room, that I will be ostracized after the fact. My fear is that I will get into an argument. Um, this has happened at times in my marriage where I have opted for keeping the peace rather than telling the truth, because you can tell the truth and still tell someone what's real with honor and respect. I have realized the hard way, uh, at work and even at church and ministry that clarity is kindness. And me trying to keep the balance in the room and protect everybody's feelings sometimes doesn't serve anyone in the room at all. And because I don't want to be misread or misunderstood, I'm just trying to make sure everyone's okay. And that did not serve the team. I know what that's like with my children. Because I don't want them to not speak to me or think I'm a mean mom, or for me to risk potentially a separation of relationship in their adulthood, that I don't come in hot like I need to come in hot. And let me tell you, whether they are 6, 16, or 26, sometimes you need to, with love, come in hot. But codependency doesn't allow you to operate in real relationship. It doesn't allow you to be known, to take off the mask and to reject isolation by saying, listen, you may not like it, but this is who I am. You may not like it, but I'm going to tell you the truth in love. Codependency actually creates a barrier for you having true, deep, known community, because there's no way for someone to love you well if you don't even let them know who you are. We girls just need time. Time to get away, time for a little quiet, time to be still, time to quiet the noise. And this is why I put on any event that I do to give the girls, including me, time. 2026, that time looks like being on a cruise for a long period of time so you can actually inhale long enough to hear the heartbeat of your soul and laugh and have a good time in the sun. I want you to join me on the Sister Circle Cruise. It's April 26th through May 3rd, and you can find out more by going to thesistercircle.com. Www.jennifercruze.com/cruise. I hope you make space for you and join me there. So living like this is being tethered to someone else's emotions with an invisible cord. And when they go up, you go up. And when they crash, you crash. And in the meantime, you are not being true to your internal barometer of what you need, what the Lord wants you to have, or what he wants you to do. When you confuse pleasing people with loving them, you're going to end up in prison. You're going to end up in chains. You're going to end up locked down, not free to do what God wants you to do with your life. Uh, there is a statistic from, um, an organization called Mental Health America, and codependency traits often develop in 90% of the people who are raised in households with dysfunction. Now, I, I love this because I don't know anybody who wasn't raised in a dysfunctional house. I mean, like, literally everybody I know. Now, I don't know if that's because we're in a hyper-therapized culture right now, but I don't know anybody who wouldn't say that there wasn't something dysfunctional in their house. So that means most people at some level in their life deal with this, and whether they were easily able to see it and get rid of it, or if they struggle with it for decades, it's a thing. So when you feel the tug of war in your heart, like, will they be okay, or will I rock the boat, or, you know, how will our relationship change, or, you know, what will they think about me when I say what I really need to say, That is showing your tether to someone else's peace. The problem is, is tethering your peace to someone else's peace means somebody's going to lose out. And the fear of man should never be the guiding light for what you do. It should be the fear of God. So when you feel that, you need to take it to God. So what does that mean? Releasing control. So the first thing is you want to recognize the root. The second thing is you want to release control. And 1 Peter 5:7 says you want to cast your cares on God because he cares for you. So when you feel like that, you literally have to say, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. Lord, lead me in this. Like, what should I say? How should I disconnect? How can I lovingly say I can't do that? And sometimes it's just that simple. There's just straight shooting. But it's, it's being able to take to the Lord, take to God, how you need to disconnect yourself. Um, sometimes disconnection looks like, with adult children for example, it's like You know what? They just gonna have to learn in the school of life. They're gonna have to learn in the school of life, and life is not a nice teacher. But if you stay the teacher, they won't learn. And so you are up and down and all around because you're trying to make sure that they're connected to you while they need to learn some hard lessons. And sometimes casting the anxiety looks like, Lord, protect them, but teach them. I release myself and I release, uh, control. Last year, I invited you to spend a week with me dreaming, and we hosted a free Dream Builders workshop. Well, y'all, a whole year has passed, and I'm excited that we're going to do Dream Builders again. It's time to kick up the dust of your soul so that you can see what you want out of your life and connect with what God wants you to see about what he wants you to get out of your life. I want you to mark your calendar for December 1st because I'm going to meet you early in the morning so we can dream. To get your free Dream Builders Dreaming Guide, simply go to chrystalevanshurst.com/dream. I'll see you on December 1st. Imagine that you're carrying a backpack full of bricks, okay? And the bricks represent everyone else's problems. Control is, if I carry them, then at least I know that they're being carried. What happens if these bricks are too heavy for someone else? Casting looks like taking the bricks out and saying, these are not my bricks to carry. And Lord, you're gonna have to do something with this, or these are their bricks to carry, but why is it in my backpack? Listen, when we would go on vacation, my mom would always have a big purse, and that meant that if we had little things, you know, a book, or maybe we had a— one of my brothers used to have a Rubik's Cube— we would take it and then we wouldn't want to carry it, so we would throw all of our little things in her purse. And she would look at us sometimes and be like, y'all get your stuff, like my bag is too heavy. She was like, you brought this with you, and that means it's not my job to carry it. This is yours to carry. And often, if we don't give back to other people their bricks, give back to other people the things that they're supposed to carry, they actually never learn to build the strength that they need to carry what God gave them. Codependency will have you trying to control or fix other people to ease your own discomfort, but your freedom lies in your surrendering outcomes for yourself and other people to the Lord. Henry Cloud and a guy named Townsend wrote a book called Boundaries. I know many of y'all have read it. And if you find yourself in need of more on boundaries, uh, if you're in the Inner Circle, check out our 21-day on boundaries. If you're not in the Inner Circle, join the Inner Circle and check it out. It's a 21-day journey that I wrote, that we wrote on keeping boundaries in a healthy way. But Henry Cloud says, you are not responsible for the choices of others. You're only responsible for how you respond. So quit rescuing the friend or the family member, because every time you rescue them, you might be getting in the way of what God wants to do in their lives, the rescue he wants to provide. But they can't see God because you keep getting in the way. What are the backpacks? What are the bricks? What are the things that are in your bag that you are carrying that you need to let go of? There are safe people in this world, and then there are people who will see your bag and give you their stuff. And your responsibility in this world is to recognize when, out of fear, You are carrying other people's packages, and you need to release control of how things get to the finish line. You run your race, let them pick up their bricks and run theirs. When you realize that you are carrying things that don't belong to you, you may have to redefine some of your relationships. Mark 12:31 does tell us to love your neighbor as you love yourself. So yes, are you supposed to have joy? Jesus, then others, then you. But you can't do the others part if you're not doing the you part. Notice the balance— loving others and loving yourself. And if you don't love yourself well, because God loved you first, and loving yourself and loving your temple and loving your life is a way that you honor God— how can I honor you, Lord, by cherishing the life you've given me? You can't even do that well for other people if you don't know how to do that for yourself. Healthy relationships are marked by boundaries, mutual respect, and space for God to be the fixer of the things that you cannot fix. You can't get married thinking, well, you know what, I can't wait to find my boo because then I'll be whole. If two half people get married, you have a half marriage. If you want a whole marriage, that means two whole, mutually respectful, secure, boundary people get married and agree to be in mutual submission to each other for the rest of their lives. That does not mean I fix all your problems. It means I'm going to surrender to you and submit to you As I submit to God, what does God want me to do as a wife? What does God want me to do as a husband? And because I'm honoring my Father, that is where my service to you comes, not out of fear and not out of me trying to control. The root of the issue is the issue. So you've got to learn how to say no without having guilt. There's an episode of the podcast where I literally walked you through all the ways you can say no. You need to learn how to identify what's yours to carry and what's theirs. How do you do that? By casting your cares. Lord, this is what's concerning me. Is this what I'm supposed to do? Is this supposed to be on my plate? Is this brick supposed to be in my backpack? And if it's not yours, then you say, I'm so sorry, I would love to help you with that, but I just really believe that you can figure it out. I believe that if you go to God in prayer, or if you do some homework, or you know what to do— often this is what I tell my daughter, you know what to do, I believe you know what to do, it's not my problem to solve. And you've got to replace people-pleasing with God-pleasing. Here's what I can guarantee you: the more you make it your business to find out what God wants you to do, The more you heed the voice of the Holy Spirit, the more you learn, um, the power of intuition— I've got a video about that too— the more you learn about that, then you're going to lean into what the Holy Spirit is leading you to do, and you're going to lean into God's purpose and plan for your life. And when you're busy doing what God told you to do and you're busy leaning into your daily bread for today, you only have so much time to be bothered with other people's business. And the more you are interested in your own life the less you will have to be interested in other people's problems. This is what I tell my children when they are interested in dating. I'm like, dating and having situationships, which is apparently a whole thing, is less problematic when you are living your life to the full. We get overdone in relationships because we got nothing going on, so we have nothing to do but be all in their Kool-Aid, be with them all the time, texting all, you know, sending DMs. Like, that's all we have to do. Be interested in your own life. Build a life that you, as you obey God, that you are excited about. Create a life that you love. Like, romanticize your life. What would you want to see about your life on social media? Do that. And when you are busy building your own life and a life that you actually are enjoying, then someone else— I love how Christine Kane describes this. She said she only married Nick because they— he was going and doing the same thing she was already doing. They joined forces because she was already clear about what God wanted her to do. So when she married him, they just decided to keep going down the path God led them to together. When you don't want to overdo relationships, be on your path, and then it'll be clear when someone's supposed to join you because they're on their path and your paths just happen to align. You can let love in, you can let love out. And still pursue your purpose while holding down your property lines. Henry Cloud also said, boundaries are not walls, they're just doors. And doors let the right things in and keep the destructive things out. So from a person who has struggled with insecurity— I talk about that and she's still there— from a person who has had to learn where I'm, I'm not loving Jesus by loving you, I'm letting you walk all over me, because if I was loving Jesus, I would honor the life he's given me and set a boundary. I can't solve all your problems. The late night calls or the last minute fixes or Chrystal Hurst will fix it. You have the ability to look at that and saying, what is God asking me to do? And have breakthrough. And as a person who has struggled with that and knows what it is to not be a boundary person or struggle with codependency and insecurity and trying to control out of fear, I've learned what the root sources are. I have learned what it looks like for me to redefine relationships and release control and living in freedom. Y'all, this is where you wanna live. When you stop tying your worth to other people's opinions, you'll put yourself in a position where you can freely enjoy and live rightly in God's love. So where have you struggled with codependency? Where in your life then is God inviting you to step out of that? And into freedom today. I would love for you to talk about where you are, how this hit you, and what helped you. I'll be sure to check out the comments because I really want to know if this helped, how it helped, and maybe what your questions still are. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Be sure to share the episode if it was helpful to you. You know how the cool kids say, like and subscribe if you made it all the way to the end. And my hope is this practical talk helps you to live a life you love, because you can't live a life you love living everybody else's life on their behalf. Okay, okay. Here's to a lack of codependency and more clarity in God's calling for your life. We'll see you next time.