How to Heal From Rejection

Let's talk about rejection. Have you ever felt shut out, left behind, or unwanted by someone that you cared deeply for? Um, have you ever experienced rejection not from a stranger, but from someone you deeply trusted, deeply loved, or deeply cared about? Someone that you were willing to go the full gamut with, and then they were not willing to go the full gamut with you. And when rejection has happened in your life, do you tend to retreat and build walls, or are you willing to reach out and risk again? Well, this is me talking to you about what it means to deal healthily with rejection, because you are built for reaching out and risking again. And if you don't, you're not gonna live. So let's talk about rejection, shall we? If we are going to live in a healthy, thriving community, if you're going to have healthy, thriving relationships, you have to acknowledge this truth: that being close to people, even friends— I'm not even talking about the boys today, uh, that you love, that you're in love with. I'm talking about the girls that you love, the ones that you would hope would be close and with you the whole time. Being close to people means we will at some point face rejection. And the question is not if, but when it happens, how will you respond? Rejection is a part of the human story. I mean, if Jesus was rejected, what makes you think you're not going to be? Isaiah 53:3 says that he was despised and rejected by men. He was a man of suffering and familiar with pain. So even Jesus, who is perfect in love and truth, who was a good friend to his friends. He was rejected not only by his friends, by his family, and by all of the people who he came to serve. So rejection, first of all, you have to identify this, that it's not a sign of your worth. It can communicate some things to you, you can learn and grow from it, but rejection by its raw definition is not a one-to-one directive sign of your worth.— it is often a reflection of someone else's pain or someone else's perception or someone else's personal limitation. It can be a reflection of an area in which you need to grow or an area in which you need to change, but it is not a reflection of your pure value. Because let me just say this: before you were born, Psalm 139 says, God knew you. He crafted you specifically. He had a plan and a purpose for you, and God delights in you because you're his. Without your performance, without your friendship, without your achievement, without your community, without other people sanctioning, you have value. And I have to tell you, as a woman who has experienced rejection on the love spectrum and on the like spectrum, um, when someone rejects you, when someone says you don't fit in with the in crowd, or someone says you're not like us, or someone, was your friend but became friends with other people because the other people seem to have something that you didn't. That can leave you scarred, raw and then scarred. It can bring up a whole bunch of questions. Um, I mean, I was the kid who rarely fit in. I, I recently was reading about the traumas that we experience in our life, and we think about traumas like sexual abuse, and we think about traumas like divorce, we think about traumas like death and loss. But you know, there are big T's and little t's and the little t traumas are just as impactful when you were the kid who was never included in the in-group at school. That was me. I was always the weird, studious, straight-A, kind of goody-two-shoes kind of girl. And the cool kids, I never was in with the cool kids and always wanted to be in with the cool kids. And it didn't matter when I was in public school or private school, or when I was in public school in high school, it didn't matter. It always seemed that there was something that wasn't quite enough to be a part. And that becomes a part of the stories that we tell ourselves, like, what's wrong with me? Or there must be something I'm missing. Or we do things in order to be accepted and liked. And when we're not accepted and liked, no matter what we do, that is, whether it's overt or covert, a form of rejection. It hurts really bad when you experience rejection from somebody that's supposed to love you, a friend that you've had over the years, or maybe a family member who should Love you. This is why the scarring from family goes so deep. When a sister or a mother or an aunt or a cousin betrays you, or you hear what they said when you weren't in the room, that initial sting and then the following temptation to isolate, that is real. It is real. Rejection though doesn't have to just be a story marker. It doesn't have to be something that redirects the trajectory of your life forever. Rejection is a part of, it can be a part of, relational learning. Rejection is not a verdict about your value. That's what you have to remember. It's a redirection to your true identity. Lisa TerKeurst said that, and she's talked a lot about forgiveness and rejection. And so if you've never heard her talk about that, you should pick up her books, because the last couple of books, that is the majority of what she's been talking about. There is a lot to learn. A closed door does not mean that open doors don't also exist. It may mean that those doors weren't your doors. Here's the key thing to remember, that rejection doesn't have to define you. And when you allow the rejections that you've experienced to change the way you interpret your value, then you will find that you are the one who is now living with an altered and often lessened perception of your value. And the problem with that is It changes what you will reach for. It changes who you will engage with. It changes the story that you tell yourself. And one person shouldn't have that much power. Psalm 27:10 says, though my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. And if the Lord receives you, and I know he out there in Never Neverland, I know he's in the heavenlies, not down here close, but this is why it's so important. In a recent, uh, podcast that I released, I talked about practicing the presence of God and meeting God in the mundane, because when you get to know God in those quiet spaces and know what it is like to feel his embrace, you might say something different. But he does want us also to live in community with flesh and blood people who can touch us, who can hug us, who will show up when hard things are happening. And you can't let the value proposition that someone else gave you determine your value so that you don't seek and continue to seek connection with God and connection with other people. Your worth is not tied to who accepts you or rejects you because you are already received and chosen by God. Rejection often is God's protection. It's often God's redirection. Um, Nona Jones has a book called The Gift of Rejection. Um, maybe we'll pick that up and read that at the top of the year. That sounds like a good one. You have friendships that will end. You have family members that will teach you who they are. You have a marriage where that person may actually love you, but is constantly acting in ways that says otherwise. You experience divorce or you experience someone who, uh, stepped out of your marriage on you, cheated with somebody else. And that basically spells rejection. But if you will live believing you are loved and believing that that rejection doesn't define you, if you will live that way, then it doesn't have to create storyline that changes the trajectory of your life. So rejection is a part of the human story, but rejection doesn't have to define you. That's the problem. We have to stop allowing the rejection of one person or one group of people or two people or three people to tell us a story that we never recover from. Hey y'all, it's planner time. Y'all, it's that time of year where my planners roll out like Last year we sold out and this year it's going to be even better. We have new colors and you can find out more about when the planner and the presale, because the presale is the thing that you want to get in on, when that will be available. Just look down below. I'm so excited to help you get ready to live abundantly and high capacity with a brand new mindset in 2026. Y'all, let's go. So when rejection happens, you have to look for how it can refine you. I've talked about this when I wrote Kingdom Woman. Diamonds are formed under pressure. So rejection can produce a work in you. It can make you better. It can make you more solid. It can make you more stable. It can make you sharper. It can make you more beautiful if you allow rejection to do a work in you. So when it happens, instead of closing off, you have to press in. Romans 5:3-4 says, we also glorify God in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Perseverance, going the long way, the long road, produces character, and character produces hope. In those situations, you've got to be committed to going through them, learning, growing, feeling it, asking yourself, what can rejection teach me? How can this make me stronger and wiser and more discerning? Instead of doing what a lot of us do, which is react. And I'm not talking about crying about it. I'm talking about react, where we chase the person down, where we allow them to keep treating us like dirt, where we, um, respond with vitriol. We respond not in a healthy, God-honoring way. And the Bible is clear. 1 Peter 3:9 says, do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing. For you to be able to bless someone that's hurt you because a healthy response requires slowing down, resisting knee-jerk reactions, and seeking God's perspective first. So, so what does it mean to react differently so that rejection can refine you? Well, the first thing is pause and pray. Get in your closet, cry in your bed, kneel on the floor, lay prostrate, get in your closet, hide in your car. I was talking to somebody I love very much last night who had a very difficult thing. Happened yesterday, and we were talking about it, and she texted me and said, I just want you to know, I just went in my car and cried really hard. Giving God your hurt before you give it to anyone else. Pause and pray. Not to be super spiritual, I'm talking about let God have it. Cry, rip it out, say the harsh things. Ask God the questions, feel it deeply. Then second, learn how to process with safe people. You want to invite wise, godly counsel into your situation. This is also a part of the refining process because other people who are safe— Proverbs 15:22 talks about this— other people who are safe can love on you but also tell you the truth. If there is something for you to learn, if there is a way that you need to look in the mirror so that you can grow and change and develop from that, if there is something that you could have done differently, but safe people. This is why we need therapy. I recently had a therapist tell me, if the church was truly the church and if the family was truly the family, I would not have a job. We have therapists because people don't have safe places. And so whether it is a friend, a mentor, an older woman, a sister, a mother, or your spiritual director, your counselor, or your therapist, or your coach, process with someone who's safe, where you feel like you can bleed and they won't pour salt in it. And if you don't have safe people, find a therapist, find a therapist. It's okay. All right. Because all you're saying is I am sick. My heart is sick and I need somebody who's gonna help me heal. And if there is nobody in your sphere of influence who you can truly go to and be honest, find someone who'll take your check. And will help you to get to higher ground. The third thing is protect your heart without hardening it. Boundaries are biblical, Proverbs 4:23, but boundaries are different than hard walls. I am currently reading through— I read through lots of books, y'all, at one time. It's a problem. Charis would say it's because I'm ADD. I still am rejecting that diagnosis, but I do read through a lot of books at one time. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, and I am marking the mess out of this book. I'm currently in the chapter that talks about journeying through the wall. Um, I'm going to read this to you. It says, for most of us, the wall appears through a crisis that turns our world upside down. It comes perhaps through a divorce or job loss, the death of a close friend or family member, a cancer diagnosis, a delusioning church experience, a betrayal, a shattered dream, a wayward child, a car accident, an inability to get pregnant, a deep desire to marry that remains unfulfilled, a dryness or loss of joy in our relationship with God. And he says before that, we don't control the seasons, they happen to us. We don't control the seasons, they happen to us. But he also says, uh, if you don't journey through that wall, then you get stuck at that wall. And the goal in life, y'all, is to not get stuck. We don't want to live limited at a level just because something hard happened, and rejection fits that category. He says later, when we make it through the wall, we no longer have a need to be well-known or successful, but to do God's will. The wall is God's way of rewiring and purging our affections and passions that we might delight in his love and enter a richer, fuller communion with him. And so he talks about— and I'm still in the middle of this chapter— finding your way through the wall. And I had to pause because I was like, I don't want to do that. I don't wanna— who wants to do it? Nobody wants to do that. But this is how, if you journey through it, you protect your heart without hardening it. Let me tell you, it is very difficult for God to use you when you're hard. If you want God to fully use you, you have to stay limber, flexible, stretchable, malleable in his hands. Your heart has to stay soft. So when you harden your heart because you've been hurt, you're not just protecting yourself against future hurt, you are preventing future usage, future purpose, because God while he can do anything, he wants to work with someone who's giving him their whole heart. Um, I understand because I understand what it is to respond, to be petty. Y'all, I could be petty. Listen, the difference between me and Priscilla is I will clap back. I will do it. I will do it and won't think twice about it. And y'all, I have to watch my words because my words are like a machete. I don't, I don't, I don't say much Sometimes when we're together as a family and we've done things as a family, everybody's like, you're so quiet. I'm like, because when I do open my mouth, I need to have thought really hard about what is that I want to say to make sure that it's useful, to make sure that it's profitable, to make sure that it's helpful. Rejection can refine you. Rejection has refined me. It's refined the way I've responded. The way I've learned to use my words, and also me bringing God my rejection and saying, "This really, really hurt," is one of the ways I think that He has continued to be able to use me, that I'll cry about what hurts and share those tears with other people. You get to choose in life whether you're going to be a thermostat or a thermometer. Thermometers only reflect the temperature around them. They are reactive. Thermostats set the temperature. And we get to choose whether rejection sets our temperature or we learn from it so we can keep setting a temperature of grace for ourselves and other people. Rejection can refine you. You can ask yourself, what did rejection teach me? You can ask yourself, how will this make me stronger and wiser and more discerning? Because James Lieberk said, every rejection is incremental payment on your dues that in some way will be translated back into your work. And I will add into your wisdom. Rejection can be the dues you pay for growing in wisdom, for growing in depth, for growing in truth, for growing in kindness, for growing in compassion. Because I've been rejected, this is why the Sister Circle exists. Because I know what it is to be left out. This is why the Inner Circle exists, because I have wanted so badly for— to learn from other women. Just, can you just tell me how to do it so I don't have to mess up? This is why Monday mornings in the Inner Circle and the, and the sharing of some of the Monday mornings on the YouTube channel and in the podcast, why they exist. Okay, y'all, the Sister Circle live event, it'll be here before we know it, October the 17th and 18th. Get your ticket. Time is running out. However, if you are watching this video before September 2nd, so like Labor Day weekend, you really want to get your ticket. Why? Because the prices go up September 2nd. And over Labor Day weekend, you can buy one ticket and get one half off. What does that mean? You can buy your ticket and bring a friend. You know, your sister, your girlfriend, your mom and them, your cousins, whoever you want to bring. You don't even have to know who it is yet. I want you to come to the live event in the Dallas area, October the 17th and 18th. And if you know you're coming, right now is when you want to get your ticket, okay? Get it before September the 2nd, before the prices go up. If you're watching this video after September the 2nd, you're still welcome to come. Ticket sales end September 30th. All right, y'all, thesistercircle.com/live. Get your ticket today. Instead of staying bitter You can allow God to use rejection as a refining fire. Rejection can allow you to experience redemption from pain when you see how God uses it. Psalm 118:22 says, "The stone the builders rejected is what became the cornerstone." And God specializes in using rejection as a setup for redirection towards his purpose. Just like a GPS can reroute you when a road is blocked, rejection is often God's way of redirecting you towards your purpose and towards people who truly align. Maybe the people, the friends, the friend group, that girl, that cousin, that sister, maybe those were the people who were naturally in your path, but those people are not the people you need around you for the path God needs you to lean to. And you would never have looked for the other path or leaned into the redirection if these people didn't fit. It's like a puzzle. Sometimes you have the pieces in front of you and you try the piece and it doesn't fit. But if that piece did not fit, you would not then be redirected towards the other piece that was over there that you didn't even think would fit this slot. Knowing that something doesn't fit is a setup for finding the thing that does. Sometimes unhealthy relationships are what we would find ourselves in until rejection moves us away from them. And into the space where we were meant to grow. Proverbs 18:24 says, a man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Sometimes rejection from people is what pushes us into the space where we find that the only person who can love us and know us and guide us and direct us, and that the Holy Spirit actually does speak, knowing that is because sometimes we're forced into the arms of God. When I was in the 12th— 6th grade, I was 12 years old, I believe. And then until the 8th grade, that was probably— middle school is the worst. Can we just say that middle school is the worst? You put a bunch of emotional kids there whose hormones are all going wacko, who are all vying for belonging and attention. I mean, like, even educational systems know this. In a lot of middle schools, all middle school is catch up and get ahead. Like, did you learn it in elementary school? And if you did, okay, great, we'll get you started on algebra early. And if you didn't, we're going to do it again so you can figure it out. Like, everybody knows 6th to 8th grade is the worst. Okay, during this— that was— sorry, sidebar. 6th to 8th grade for me, y'all, I remember I had imaginary friends, y'all. I wasn't 5 with imaginary friends. I was 12 and 13 with imaginary friends. I remember sitting in my classroom and looking out the window and imagining my imaginary friend talking to me. I know her name. Those are the years when I wrote the most in my journal. Those are the years when I felt the closest to God because he was the only one who I felt like heard me, saw me, cared for me. Do you know what that means? That when I was 17, 18, 19, and when I was 19 in my apartment on the floor of my apartment with the praise music going through my house, having a completely emotional, connected experience in worship with the Lord. I was able to do that because I started doing that when I was 12 and 13, when he was the only one I had. I had a woman said to me one time after church— I was in my 20s— after church, she came to me and she said, I love watching you worship. You just don't care if we're in the room. And I think on that particular day, I think I had gotten on my knees or something. I'm a pretty demonstrative worshiper sometimes. And I just remember thinking, I said, oh, well, thanks. But I remember thinking, that's because I don't care who else is in the room. Because when there was no one else in the room, I learned how to meet him that way. Rejection often can move you into spaces that you need but would never chase after if you didn't have to. So let God use rejection to redirect you. Rejection is an opportunity for your selection, Bernard Branson says. And sometimes God allows a closed door in one relationship so that you'll open your heart to another, to him. Or to someone else, another person, or to an entire community. So how do you then allow it to redirect you? Well, first of all, you want to reflect, what can I learn? You want to reframe, how can you see this hard thing through the lens of God's bigger picture? And then you want to reach out, to not let one rejection stop you from engaging in community again. When you reach out, take small risks. Say yes to one invitation, even if you're nervous. In those circumstances, when you find that the hurt is rising up, every time it rises up, that's an opportunity to forgive. It's like, this hurts, but I release them. They know what they did, and I need to set a boundary. Or they don't even know what they did, and I just— I, I release them. They don't owe me anything. I'm going to move forward. Forgiveness is releasing over and over and over again. You want to recognize God's provision. Look for divine appointments in ordinary places. So when somebody says to you, hey girl, we're going to brunch after church, and you're thinking, I don't know them, are they going to even, you know, connect? Say yes. Say yes. I recently reached out to a friend of mine and said, hey, I'm gonna go walking, do you want to come? It was last minute, and she said yes. And when we, when we got there, she said, can I just tell you, I'm so glad I just said yes. Like, I didn't want to get out of the bed. I actually was thinking I have so many things to do today. I'm so glad after we finished walking, she said, I'm just glad I just said yes. Just say yes. Don't think, don't overthink it. Don't make it too hard. If you see something on social media, sometimes it's not even that someone asks you, they're just talking about it. Give yourself a yes. Say, hey girl, I think I'm gonna come to that. Just say yes. Some of my greatest, uh, opportunities have come because I just said yes. Uh, Nona Jones invited me to come to Florida to meet with her and 5 other women that I don't know, and to be in a room for 2 days, like being vulnerable about our business, our work, our families. One girl came in crying. I don't know why. I mean, it's just one person said, I want to create a space. I want us to help each other. I want us to mastermind of sorts. I want us to grow together. And that led to sharing some personal things, y'all. Like in it hard. And then because of that, these are women that I'm now in a text group with. Like, I knew who they were, but I'm now in a text group with them. It has been the greatest gift. I just had Miles. I was like, I asked my husband, do you want to go? We stayed in the cheap hotel down the street, but I said yes and spent 2 days being connected with women who get my life, get my story, get my challenges. Just say yes.. And if you don't have women asking for that, you be the woman who asks for it. You be the woman who sets the stage because every rejection is God's way of saying, I have something better for you. Healing community is possible after rejection, but it often begins with the courage to risk again. So I just need to tell you, rejection is a part of the story. It, it, it's a part of it. If you get stuck at the fact that it hurt, you will never heal. And the only way for you to heal is to try again. That does not mean that it doesn't sting, and it doesn't mean that it's not hard. It doesn't mean that it doesn't feel like a wall. But what I'm telling you is, because you were built for community— God said, let us make man in our image. God exists— Jesus the Son, the Father, and the Holy Ghost— three in one. There is never a time when those three have not always been one unit. And God wants you to experience intimacy, and you can't do that without being willing to engage in community. And community means accepting the risk of rejection, but it also means opening yourself up to the beauty of true known core connection. You are already deeply accepted in Christ, and from that acceptance, you can risk rejection because your identity is secure. Rejection is a part of life and you have to learn to move past it and risk again. The fact that you've been hurt, it doesn't disqualify you from friendship. It actually qualifies you to be a better and more compassionate friend. Bring what you learned and the pain from your heart to the next experiences because community is what you were designed for. So here's my question for you. Where have you let past rejection keep you from developing new connection? And this week, what is one step you can take to re-engage? Now we have, of course, uh, the Inner Circle. And the Inner Circle— I know that there are some women in the Inner Circle that are friends to the death. They have met each other at an event, or they've been to a retreat, and this is their, their group is here. I realize that the Inner Circle provides the opportunity for women to get to know other women, and that's a great thing. But we also are always challenging you, if you are watching or listening, if you are a woman of faith, you are by virtue of us being sisters in Christ, a part of the Sister Circle. You have to take responsibility though for developing your own Sister Circle. And so here is a free way for you to do that, uh, because the Inner Circle girls, we are developing, we're growing intentionally together in community. Um, we are learning and growing, um, from me and all the content I have in our Inner Circle library. And we're doing challenges and book clubs and all the things to grow. But if you are a woman of faith and you're like, Chrystal, I just can't do the Inner Circle right now, that's okay. Um, when you listen to the podcast, when you watch the podcast, follow the link to the show notes. In the show notes, there's always at least 3 questions. Take those questions, be intentional about who you want to develop community with, and say, hey, listen to this podcast, watch this podcast that Chrystal Hurst just did, and then set aside the time on Zoom or in person, or maybe on a walk, or maybe on a lunch, maybe on a Saturday morning, and answer the questions. That's it. Because if you ask this question in your group of people, if you say, where have you been rejected in the past? And how are you trying to re-engage? That question alone is going to get you and your group of friends or sisters or cousins or acquaintances to actually share something real. You want to know where intimacy and real connection starts? When you're having real conversations. So if you are a part of our Greatest Sister Circle, which if you are a woman of faith, you are Find other women who you think want to grow too. 2 or 3, that's it. And you be the person to go first, and you don't even have to come up with what to say. I'm making this easy. Have them listen to or watch this episode of the podcast, go to the show notes. You can read the show notes if you like, find the questions there at the bottom, and meet over coffee or have a meal and answer the questions. Now girls, if you're in the Inner Circle, you know you have more resources. You got the recipe and the activities and all the things for your friends. But y'all, don't just listen and digest and say, Chrystal Hurst, that was good. This episode is actionable. Think about your past rejection, think about your past experiences, and do something about it. Because rejection doesn't define you, it can refine you, and it can redirect you. And I'm challenging you to operate in action with redirection after listening to this, because whatever rejection you've experienced, it was only allowed so that you would grow. If God doesn't cause it, he allows it in your life. And when he allows it, your thing is to ask, God, how can I grow? And I can guarantee you that being a better friend is a part of the story. I hope that me showing up every week allows me to be a good friend to you. Whatever you call me, Big Sister Chrystal, Coach Chrissy, whatever it is, uh, your mentor, your auntie, your friend. But this is Big Sister Auntie Mentor Chrystal telling you, you need connection. And just because somebody in the past hurt you, or the friend betrayed you, or you were not invited, or left out, even if the hurt runs deep Even if it still runs deep, you were designed to be known. And just because the last person didn't get it doesn't mean the next person won't either. But in order to find out what's possible, you have to keep leaning in. So how do you deal with rejection? You lean in. You lean in. All right, this is me telling you, you can do it. So do the work, and I will see you next time.