How to Love People Well This Holiday Season

Hey there, y'all. The holidays are coming up. And when you think about the holidays, especially if you're hosting anything for the holidays, what feeling do you feel the most? Stress or excitement? Because my guess is that half of y'all will be stressed and half of y'all will be excited because we have different feelings when we approach a season where there's just too much to do. Even if it's fun and exciting, it's a lot to do. And many of us feel pressure about our homes looking perfect, showing up perfectly, about the money that we need to spend, about the people that we need to spend time with. But y'all, the holidays don't have to be this way. If you think, plan, prepare in advance. And we're going to talk about home and hospitality today. For many of us, y'all, the holidays brings joy because it's a fun— it's the most beautiful time of the year and stress because it's also one of the most expensive times of the year and a time of year where in addition to all of our normal to-dos, we add extra to-dos. Some of us are wanting picture-perfect gatherings with family or friends, but all the while we're living our regular life, so our life is messy. And sometimes the holidays, with the extra that it brings, makes us feel rushed and a little overwhelmed. But I want you to consider this: that your home and your hospitality in this season is not about getting it all right or following a predetermined list of rules about how it should be. You get to decide. It's not about perfection, it's about presence, and you get to decide how you create space for connection, conversation, and for love— your love and the love of God— to be experienced in the context of your walls and around your table. So before we dive in, let me ask you a couple of questions to get you to think about what hospitality looks like in your life. So first of all, are you usually the host or are you the attendee? Mm-hmm. Are you usually the peace bringer or are you usually the avoider? Like, you're gonna bring peace, or you're like, I'm just not coming? Because I don't want y'all's, you know, y'all's drama. Are you usually the person who is doing all the cooking, or are you the person who's showing up and doing all the laying around and the eating? Because that will determine what the joy and the stress is too. What kind of holiday person are you? How do you experience the holidays? I'd love for you to just share what your feelings are, who you show up as, because some of us are the cooks and some of us are the cleaners. Um, some of us are the ones that bring the fun, and some of us are the ones that just take a nap. Like, you have a holiday personality. What word would you use to describe how you show up at Thanksgiving and Christmas? I want you to think about this. The holidays is an amazing opportunity for hospitality, whether you are in your home or someone else's home. And the point of hospitality is presence. So whether you're hosting a Sunday dinner in July or whether you are hosting Thanksgiving dinner on a Thursday in November. The point of these meals is, particularly at this time of the year, is about being present with people we care about and people we love, either by obligation— because I know sometimes you don't want to go where your family is going— or by choice, because you have a chosen family who you spend time with. But the point, y'all, isn't about the food. It's not about the decor. It's not about the games. It's not about the drama. It's about being present with people and with others. And you were designed for community. So the holidays creates an amazing opportunity for you to experience presence. You gotta decide who you show up as and decide intentionally how you're gonna be to contribute to what can be a very hospitable environment where you show up as your best and bring your best to something that will be memories and can create memories for years to come. It's not about perfection, and it's not even about the people. Some of you like and some of you don't. It's about presence and your ability to show up in your best presence will determine the experience of hospitality that you have, the gift that you also give to other people. The Bible is clear. 1 Peter 4:9, it says, "Show hospitality to one another without grumbling." So you're not supposed to go into this holiday season already fussing and complaining about how you're supposed to show up with people that you should love or do care about. Show hospitality. Another version in The Message, it says, "Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless, cheerfully, just in case you don't want to do it. I know going into this holiday season, there's going to be a lot of things you don't want to do. And yes, during this holiday season, there's an amazing opportunity also not just to think about your family, but other people who you can bless, strangers or people who are in need. But the key word here is cheerfully. So even if the holidays are stressful for you, they are stressful for me. I'm not in the excited group. I'm always in the, oh my gosh, here we go group. And even if it's joyful, I want you to think about how you show up cheerfully, because some people who love the holidays are not cheerful. They love the holidays because they get to decorate. They love the holidays because they get to cook. They love the holidays because they get to watch their Hallmark movies. They love the holidays because they love everything about the colors of Christmas. But it's actually not about serving and creating a hospitable environment for other people. I need you to understand that there's a biblical principle of hospitality. And both of the holidays are centered around something having to do with Jesus. We're supposed to be thankful in November and show gratitude. In December, we are remembering the birth of Christ, the coming of the King. So both of these seasons have something to do with Jesus. And if that's the case, we should be cheerful about what we choose to give, which means if somebody comes over to your house and it's so beautifully decorated that they can't sit down, you are not being hospitable. So I want you to think about what it means to be cheerfully hospitable. In my home, um, I like people to be comfortable. It is important to me that when people come over, the food is good and it's available all day. Now, my table may not be decorated. I may not have a cornucopia in the middle of my table. I may not have the place settings. I'm not a decor person right now. I have floor squares on my floor in my living room because I can't decide where I want the rug actually to go. It's very stressful. The squares have been disconnected now for 2 weeks while I move things around and try to figure it out. It is stressful. When I finally bought a a couch for our family in our living room. It was stressful, and I went and bought a couch from Costco so that it would be cheap, and if the kids messed on it, that I would not be upset. It is stressful. I want people to be comfortable though. And so I want people to have good food, good fun. And I'm not even a fun person. Like, I'm not the person who likes to be in the middle coming up with games. Do you know what I've started doing? Sometimes we get together on first Sundays and during the holiday season, having games. Why? Because These are the kinds of memories that I want to create. So I just want to just share my soul and be honest. I love the holidays, but I loved it when I was the napper and I loved it when I was the cleaner, not the planner, not the cooker, not the decorator, not the memory maker. That part is stressful to me. But because I had such a great experience with holidays growing up, I want to give that gift to the people I'm in a room with. And that means I need to be cheerful. So I have had to make peace with where Does my cheerfulness start and my perfectionism and my stress need to end? Some things I just have to let go of and just say, it is what it is. This is how it's going to be this year. Some things I just have to let go of that I would have loved to decorate the porch, but I didn't. But nobody cares. Some things I just have to let go of that I have been trying to make all the food. But you know what? This year I'm going to outsource these two dishes so that I can be cheerful when everybody walks in the room. Some things we just release. Because the most memorable part of this opportunity in the holidays is my presence. It's the laughter around the table. It's not the spotless counters. It's the memories we made. If you're like me, your to-do list is a million miles long. There's just always more to do than there is day. So I love checking things off, but let me tell you something, that's a problem. If you check off things on your to-do list without checking on you, you are not living your life well. Listen, you've got to pay attention to your life. So I have created a tool that's a planner and a personal coach in one place to help you do just that. Let me introduce you to the Full Circle Planner. I meet you in these pages every week, the beginning and the end of every month and every quarter, at the beginning and the end of the year to help you make sure that you're checking on you while you're checking things off your list. Because what good is your life if you do all the things, but you're not good. I want you to live a life you love. I want you to own your life, and I want you to pay attention to the life you've been given to live. How can you do that? Check it in on you, and these pages will help. Get your Full Circle Planner today. Shauna Niequist, who wrote a book, many books that are really great, but she said this: Hospitality is not about inviting people into our perfect home. It's about inviting them into our imperfect hearts. So remember that the dust on your baseboards, will not be remembered by the people who come to your house. They will remember how you made them feel. They'll remember the laughter and the connection. So be a fosterer of connection because it's about presence. It's about your cheerful presence. And the gift of hospitality is that when people leave your home, their bellies are full, but so are their souls. And if you are the person who brings the dish to someone else's house, quit stressing about it. Make something you know, make something you like. And if you can't like it and make it without being stressed, go buy it from somewhere because it's about presence. It's about presence. Your kids, even if they're disappointed at what you can't buy this season, it's about presence. There were years when literal presents under the tree were not many. And so I saw my dad do this one Christmas for my mom. And I did it one Christmas for my kids. Where we did not have a lot, but I hid the presents around the house. So instead of them noticing that there were very little things under the tree, that was intentional because your first gift and only gift under the tree held a small gift and your clue for where else to go get your next gift. So while the gifts were fewer, the experience was fuller. You can think about what really matters and decide how to show up differently. So the first thing, as I was telling you, is that it's important that your hospitality is about presence, not about perfection. The second thing is your hospitality in your home or your gift of hospitality in someone else's, it should create space for connection. So Romans 12:13 says, "Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality." You know, you need to help needy people, needy in soul, needy in their stomachs, needy in experience, but be inventive. Figure it out. I mean, think about Jesus feeding the 5,000 people. He showed up to teach, right? But he didn't just teach. He said, "And also they're hungry." So he created space for food and fellowship. There's something beautiful that happens around the table. My friend, my late friend, Debbie Titus, she was my mom's friend and also a friend to me. She taught about the teaching of the table and she walked through in the tabernacle and the table where the showbread was, the importance of that table and how throughout the Old Testament and even through the New, there were things that were done around the table, around food, around eating, around the breaking of bread. I need you to understand that the holidays, the opportunities in the holiday themselves— Thanksgiving and Christmas, on those days— but then all the other days around it, you know, we get sick of the office parties and we have to show up for the kids' party, and then we have to show up for the neighborhood party, and we just be like, oh my gosh, I just don't want to go. Yes, I understand, and you can decide which things you do and don't do. You also can recognize that these table experiences provide an opportunity. There are certain things that only happen when we break bread. A Barna study found that 7 in 10 adults say that meaningful conversations are harder to find today than ever before. Hospitality, breaking bread around the table, even if you are beautifully doing the charcuterie board, whether you are that kind of person or whether you are a listen, here, the food is good, it's the pot, self-serve buffet style, whatever it is, beautiful things happen around the table. Yesterday we had first Sunday family dinner at my house, and I have a large kitchen table that we bought from the people who lived here before us. They had 7 kids, and now we only have a few kids in and out of the house, and it always feels too big. But on first Sundays, it's too small. And no matter the fact that I have a couch or a recliner or some extra folding chairs in my living room, everybody always wants to gather around the table. And so we have folding chairs that we put in between my real chairs around the table. And around my kitchen table, 12 people were sitting yesterday. Now, this table is an amazing table. It can actually extend so that the 12 people around the table have elbow room. And I forgot to extend it yesterday. So everybody was around the table with their elbows in their sides eating. And I made the statement, oh my goodness, I forgot to extend the table. And my brother looked at me and said, nobody cares. There were pockets of conversations between 2 or 3 around the table. There were cross-conversations across the table. There were 12 people around the table eating Sunday dinner, enjoying engagement. Y'all, I forgot to fix the table correctly. It didn't matter. When Jesus fed the 5,000, the little boy showed up with what he had. Jesus multiplied it. It was not a planned lunch, but it was satisfying nonetheless. Some of us are getting stressed because we're trying to have the planned perfect meal, or the planned perfect table, or the planned perfect engagement and, and situation and setup and decor. But it's not about that. It's about the space. Even if you are, as my mother would say, jooked up at the table— some of y'all West Indians know what I'm talking about— if you are jooked up at the table, it's about the conversation and the connection that happens. Someone came to visit. We always will, you know, extend an invite to a person or two because we always have plenty of food left over. And she said when she left, y'all do this every first Sunday? I said, most of them, maybe 10 months out of the year we do. And she said, "Can I stop by again?" Let me tell you why she asked that question. She asked that question because space and connection and presence is contagious. People want it. People need it. And during the holidays, this is what you're doing. This is what you're doing. It's about that time again where I need to collect and connect with young women in my home. I have a list of women that I've been praying over, thinking about, that I run into. There's a criteria that me and the Lord have agreed on about who I'm supposed to be ministering to in this season.. And by that, I don't mean that I will be doing the teaching. I mean that they're supposed to gather, connect with each other, and then I will bring other women in my home to share some things I think this particular group of women need to know. And I'm gonna say, if it blesses you, not if it stresses you, bring something with you for us to eat. It ends up being this interchangeable, we don't even know what we're gonna get today, but there are snacks on the table. And I bring a couple things. But I remember in times gone by when I would say, hey y'all, for 6 weeks we're gonna do this Bible study. And it would be like 2-week warning, "Come over to my house." And for 6 weeks, women would come and go. It wasn't perfect. My kids were small, my house was messy, and still to this day, women talk about, "Remember when we did that random pop-up Bible study in your house or random book club where we randomly met for 6 weeks to talk about in a row these particular things?" Not only were those experiences memorable, but some friendships that were formed out of those presence moments lasts to this day. The breakthrough wasn't about the decor. It wasn't even about the topic. It was about the fact that we created space to get together and have conversations over coffee or tea. Hospitality, Henri Nouwen says, is not to change people, but it's to offer them space where change can take place. So I want to encourage you to see your home and your heart, if you go to someone else's home, as a table. You are setting a table of grace. A place where burdens can be lifted and hearts can be encouraged. So when you are showing up with your dish or showing up with yourself, if you didn't have to bring a thing, remember when you sit down to have a conversation with someone else at the table, on the couch, on the floor, on the porch, presence, showing up with people, that's what the holidays are about. Okay? Hospitality. And this is the most important thing. It reflects the heart of God. Do not neglect, Hebrews 13:2 says, to show hospitality to strangers because sometimes you have entertained angels unaware. Be ready with a meal or a bed when it's needed. Be ready to show up and say, "I see you." It is important that you have a place to sit. I talk about, and she's still there, one of the chapters, when I had no couch and all I had was a rocking chair in my living room. And my friend Jaylynn came over and I made hot chocolate with lots of whipped cream and I sat on a pillow on the floor and she said, sat in the rocking chair in the seat of the guest of honor. Good memories. And then later, when I got a couch and my apartment was too small for all the people that I wanted to invite over, and my aunt said, but this is where you live, don't wait until later to create memories. And I did. The apartment was stuffed full of 20-something-year-old friends, and those are our best memories still to this day. You have the opportunity every day, no matter where you are, no matter where you live, to create an atmosphere of hospitality, and that atmosphere does not have to be perfect. It does not have to be perfect. People come to my house and you got to push over the clean clothes. It's underwear on the couch, but it's clean. Sit down. Maybe depending on the kind of friend you are, you help me fold it. Some of the deepest friendships that I have had have been helping me chop vegetables in the kitchen, sitting next to me on a couch with clean clothes, or jumping in the car to run errands with me because that's what I was doing that day. The holidays, you need to live them the way you need to live them. You need to live your life full and invite people into it. That's what you need to do. So for those of y'all who are stressed, what do you want to do this holiday season? Hospitality is simply saying, come with me, sit at the table with me, Enjoy a meal with me. Let's go and walk the mall because my house is not Christmasy, but the mall is. Let's go around. You want to shop? Let's enjoy that together and go have a nice holiday lunch at the mall. It can be creative. It doesn't have to be stressful. It's simply about presence, space, and connection, and about you reflecting the heart of God. Deep ministry and deep friendship in my life has always centered around me just opening the door. God himself prepares a table for us, but where is that table, y'all? In the presence of our enemies. You know what that means? That means the table is not in the optimal spot. Your hospitality does not have to be in an optimal spot, but I want to challenge you. The hospitality, whether it's in your home or you're participating in the home of someone else, is not an option. It's, it's a tangible expression of you loving your neighbor as you would love yourself. So here's the question: what would make the holidays great for you? What would make the holidays great for you? And then how can you invite someone into it? Now, I don't like to shop, but I did grow up going to the mall a lot with my mother during the holidays. I would take a book and I would sit and read. In fact, there was a, a ladies' day we had in our family. We need to bring that back. It stopped when my mom died because she loved just being out in the atmosphere for Christmas. So we would go out and have a ladies' lunch, and then after our ladies' lunch, we would go to the mall, or to the— and then we would shop and shop and shop and shop and then go to the movies. It was a whole day. The men knew they had to keep the kids. It was a whole thing. But I didn't shop. I would sit in the mall with my book and I would read because I like reading. I like reading, but I like reading in the mall and seeing a movie. Do you, you know that I can be me and invite someone into that? Hey girl, I'm gonna go to the mall. We gonna do mostly reading and mostly coffeeing, and then I might walk around to a couple of the shops that I like. But because you know what I really like? It's not the shopping, but I like the mall. I like the Christmas music playing. I like the Christmas tree in the middle. I like all the red bows. I love the festivity of the season. So I can go to the mall and not shop, and I can invite someone to come with me. Girl, I'm gonna go sit at the Starbucks at the mall, and then I'm gonna go and see a movie, and I might walk around a little bit. Do you want to come? Do you see what that looks like? You don't have to do what somebody else likes to make the holiday a season that you enjoy. The most important thing is inviting. You be inviting. Inviting soul, inviting season. The holiday season, you want to shift the focus away from entertaining imperfection and performing to simply embodying God's welcome. Hospitality is holy. Work. It's holy work. So, whether you are hosting during the holidays and whether you're excited about that or stressed about that, it doesn't have to be overwhelming. It's an opportunity to embody God's welcome and his warmth. So, I want you to choose one way this season that you can invite someone to your literal or metaphorical table. Where will you be breaking bread? How will you be enjoying the season? If it's a Hallmark movie, a thon, Maybe you invite the older teenage girls in your family, or maybe a cousin that you keep saying you're going to spend time with, and say, girl, this weekend, mark it on your calendar. Let's order in pizza, make popcorn, eat ice cream, and watch 3 Hallmark movies in our fuzzy socks. Do you see how it doesn't have to be about the turkey? The best part of the Thanksgiving weekend, y'all, when I was younger and my kids were younger, was getting up at 4 AM to go wait in the lines at the store. That was it for me, because Starbucks was open early. Now everybody is shopping online and they ruined that for me. But you know what? We do other things on the holiday weekend after Thanksgiving. It's not even about Thanksgiving. It's about Friday and Saturday. What would you enjoy doing and how can you create a spirit of hospitality? Because let me tell you what is stabilizing when we have an unstable culture and unstable news. And unstable situations, even in our own homes and in our own hearts, sharing your life. And if we can simplify the expectations that we have for that, because of what Martha Stewart and everybody else says the holidays should be, you can magnify connection and presence. And at the end of the day, that's all the holidays are about anyway. So you decide. You decide what you want your holiday to look like. And then decide, because of the gift of hospitality that we are invited to participate in, how you're going to invite someone else in. And then, whatever you can do from year to year, especially with the people that you love, be as consistent as you can. Why? Because this is what the story of our life is built on—memories. Even when you don't have much, the memories matter. Even when you really can't cook that well, the memories matter. Even when cousin so-and-so comes over and always causes consternation, memories matter. And who you show up when you decide to embrace what you love about the season and simply share that with someone else, that's called hospitality. So don't forget that hospitality reflects the heart of God, that it's simply about space and connection, and it's also simply about Presence, not perfection. Because you have the gift, oh woman of God, of bringing stability in an unstable world during a holiday season that can make your home, your hosting, your hospitality center stage in making the world and the season beautiful. So show up, show up as you, and relax.