How to Manage Your Emotions

Hi there. My name is Chrystal Evans Hurst. And if you're new here, welcome. I'm glad you decided to join. I am here every Monday going live with the Inner Circle. It's a group of women who not only support all the work that I do. I'm here because they're there, but also because they want to receive more from me. So we are always in the mix doing things. While the Inner Circle growth levels are closed right now, the club level, if you want to show up for the party, is always open. Simply go to thesistercircle.com/innercircle to find out more about joining. But I'm here because I've actually been podcasting for 10 years. Many of those years I did it without any support, mainly because I believe in sharing a little bit of my life with you. Um, what I'm learning, how I'm growing, and what I'm taking in. Right now in the Inner Circle, we're running a book club for those women who are at those growth levels. And we are reading The Garden Within by my friend, Dr. Anita Phillips. It is a great book. It is not a book for the faint at heart because it will stir up some stuff. You may or may not want to deal with. But it's good. It's all good. I believe that while many of us need some formal therapy, honestly, if we would just take the time to know our souls, to feel the feelings, to journal, to write things down, to have good conversations with amazing friends, mothers, or sisters, then sometimes we would have what we needed. And I'm finding a lot of what I need within her pages. If you have never read it, or you've been meaning to, go get it. But here's what I want to tell you. I have grandchildren, okay? I have 4 of them, soon to be 5. Different children react differently to being in pain. One child might fall and not want to let you know that they are hurt. So they jump up really quickly and you can see their eyes well up, but they're not going to let you know that they're hurting. Another one will fall and immediately scream to the top of their lungs. And even if you know that that fall was not that bad. They just are mostly full of drama and expressing all the things. And then you have the one that will fall, and before they cry, they look at you. And in that moment, as a mother, an auntie, a big sister, or a grandmother, you can look at them and change their reaction. Because if you cheer and say, "Yay, good job, good job," they might just get up and never shed a tear because they realize it didn't hurt that bad anyway. But then there's the one that falls, looks at you, doesn't cry initially, but as soon as you take them into your arms, they slowly begin to cry because they really didn't want to cry anyway. But then when they finally acknowledge that that hurt, then the tears fall. Oh, those are the ones that really get me, the ones who are really hurt. It's not the drama cry. It's not the holding it back. It's the, "I didn't want to cry, and actually that hurt." There are many of us, y'all, that don't want to cry. And when I say cry, I'm literally talking about tears. I'm also talking about the expression of emotion. We don't want to be sad, and we certainly don't want anyone else to know that we're sad. Angry. And so we keep it all bottled up because we know that maybe the expression of that anger would be inappropriate. We know, come on, can we just keep it real for a second? We know that we can't cuss him out at work, but we sure will cuss him out in the car. We know that we shouldn't say certain something a certain way to a certain person. But as soon as they turn their back, we say it exactly how we want to say it. We know what we shouldn't say out loud to our spouses, but when they're out of the room, we sure do mumble it underneath our breath. We know. So sometimes it is, I don't want to let them see me cry. Sometimes it is, I know what an appropriate expression is and is not. And if I express myself in an inappropriate way, there may be repercussions. I'm not going to do it. And we know we're not supposed to be afraid. So one of the things Dr. Anita encourages us to do is to acknowledge our feelings. And I'm a deeply feeling person. I'm a pretty emotional person. In fact, I'm extremely emotional. I would say I'm extreme on the emotional scale. So after 50-some-odd years of living, I'm pretty good at drawing a line around it. And, um, this weekend I tried to acknowledge it. So what I wanted to talk to you about is what it feels like for me to acknowledge the feeling of sadness, anger, or fear in hopes that it will help you to do the same so that you can acknowledge it because something was freed in me once I acknowledged it. So this weekend I ate something that didn't agree with me and y'all know I'm a church girl, so I'm always at church. I was actually supposed to be singing on the praise team this week. I let them know Sunday morning when I woke up that I would not be there because I wasn't going to wrestle with that and also try to be on the stage. So, um, I stayed home. But as I stayed in the bed and my family went to church and I felt this, I felt it creeping up on Saturday night and I couldn't— I could tell you, I could give you a list of things that maybe in very, very small doses made me feel a little deflated, but no one of them was difficult or horrible. But by the time I woke up Sunday morning and also didn't feel great, I also felt from the bottom of my stomach to the top of my shoulders, dead weight. Dead weight. That's what sadness feels like for me. Dead weight. I may cry, I may not cry, but I feel heavy, heavy, unmotivated. I am cloudy. I'm not clear. There is no light, no joy. And I sat there for a lot of the weekend. It was like looking at one big sigh. So my husband— yesterday was first Sunday and we hosted all the family coming over and he looked at me and he said, something wrong? And I looked at him and normally if I need to respond to that and don't want to, my response can be irritable and short and quick and quippy. No, I'm fine. 'Cause you don't, you don't want to talk about it or, you know, it's fine. You know, it's just like, get outta my way. 'Cause sadness can lead to irritability for me. But I just looked at him and I stood there and I said, yeah, I'm just sad. And he kind of looked at me and I said, and I don't know why, but what I can tell you is that something lifted with the honesty. I said, I could tell you a million different reasons why, why I might feel that way, but it's almost like, it's almost like lots of pins that deflated a balloon. No one of them popped it. It's just a million little pins and the balloon is deflated. I'm just sad. And I just, I'm trying to get through the day. Not only did me sharing that give me some level of freedom, it gave him permission to support because he understood. I was telling him what was an issue with me, even if I couldn't describe how or why. Dear friend came over yesterday and she just looked at me square in the face and she said, what's going on with you? I said, You know what? I told my husband, I'm sad. Dead weight, no light, bone dry. It could be tears. It also could be nothing. Nothing. If you are feeling nothing, if you are numb, if you feel dead weight, if you are crying all the time, if you're irritable, There could be a lot of things wrong with you. Tabitha Brown right now is on Instagram talking a whole lot about perimenopause and what perimenopause is doing out in these streets. And perimenopause can cause cloudiness, and depression can cause cloudiness, and death and, and terrible things that happen in our life can cause it. But sometimes, y'all, there is just an indication that you're disappointed with the way things are going in your life. And it doesn't have to mean that things are terrible. We have to give ourselves permission to say, there's something going on with me and I have to do the work to address it. So what I did to address it after I got to feeling better, I just moved slow. And let me tell you how I know I was not good yesterday. 3 times I had to go to Costco to pick up a couple of things for dinner and get some gas. Because if I don't get gas on Sundays, I always end up running out. I lost my card the first time. I saw it and bent over to get something. It fell out. I was like, oh my goodness, I'm so glad I saw it. Then the next time I checked out, I could not find the card. Traced my steps, found it. Then when I went to go get gas, I couldn't find it. And I was in my purse, but I was like, what is going on? Like my brain, I just could not— my brain just was not cooperating with me. It was one of those days when I was like, I hope I don't see anybody. I don't really want to talk to anybody. And, you know, contrary to popular belief, you know, I can be silly. My family thinks I am so not funny. So y'all can tell them I'm funny. But really, I'm an introvert who likes to read and write and would love to be by herself a lot of the time. I love people. I love one-on-one conversations. But, you know, So when I'm sad, I really, really, really am like, don't talk to me, please. Because then it takes so much energy, so much energy. I can do it, but it takes so much energy to ignore dead weight from your neck to your pelvic floor. And we spend so much time ignoring how we feel. So when you have the opportunity to spend a day on a weekend decompressing, doing nothing and acknowledging how you feel and expressing to others who love you that you're not in the greatest place, you should do that. And then you should say, what triggered me or what is making me sad? Now, this is where a lot of people will need to go see a therapist because you don't know how to do that. One of the reasons why, you know, people ask, you know, there's a million planners in the world. Nobody, nobody needs another planner, right? The reason why I made one is because I think one of my gifts is asking good questions. And I think many people need a good question to stir the pot, to stir the water. And so what makes the planner I have unique is that every week there's a different question and every month there's a question for the month to get you thinking about your life, not just checking boxes. You should be thinking about your life. Hey there, I hope you are enjoying this podcast and I hope more than anything that it's helpful to you, that it's causing you to think about how you're doing. We're not always good about taking the time to think about how we're doing. And honestly, often by the time we make room to think, it's because our minds, our bodies, or our hearts are demanding that we do. It's like, girl, you gonna have to stop. 'cause we can't keep this up. We don't have to wait until our bodies, our brains, or our hearts make us pay attention. We can be intentional. And so I wanted to give you two ways that I have tried to make it easier for you to pay attention to your life. The first way anybody can use, if you don't already know, I have a planner. This is it right here. But I jokingly call it a plurnal sometimes because it's not just a planner for you to pay attention to your days, your weeks, and your to-do choose. It is a tool that gives you questions every week and then an extra dose every month to help you slow down and think about your life. It's designed for you to map out your goals 90 days at a time. The beautiful thing is these are undated. You can write in your dates whenever you get around to it. If you get off track, beautiful quotes and wonderful things to keep you going. I tried to make it pretty so that you would use it, but I didn't want you to use it just to make a list of things to do, which is why I put the questions in there. If you've ever thought, man, I just need a counselor, a coach, a friend to help me get out of my system, the stuff that's in my heart deep. Well, sometimes you just need a good set of questions and that's definitely what's in the planner for you to use, to dredge some things up that you need to think about. Or pay attention to, because being emotionally healthy is important for every other area of your life. The second way that I want to support you is if you are a leader, your emotional health doesn't just affect you, it affects all the people that you lead. And so coming up this April, April 23rd through the 26th, I have a very intimate leaders retreat that'll be held in Waco, Texas. There's less than 20 spots left because it's designed to be super, super small, a lot of high connection, a lot of room for conversation, talking about how to develop your leadership gift, develop the gift in those you lead, how to build and plan out and work out your vision. So if you'd like to spend some intimate time with me, other amazing leaders, networking with women who are in their own leadership area and also getting super practical— let's manage people and let's figure out how to keep everybody on time and move it in the same direction— but also caring for your own soul, this will be an amazing opportunity to do that. You can find out more about the planner by going to thesistercircle.com/planner, and you can find out more about the retreat for leaders by going to thesistercircle.com/lead. Now let's get back to this podcast where any and everybody needs to think about how to take care of your soul. The same thing applies to anger. I have heard many people talk about their children and how their children at young ages have anger issues. We've got children in our family where we're like, what is going on with this? You know, so many people are dealing with spouses who have anger issues and at a moment's notice they could just pop off. What does anger feel like to me? It doesn't feel like dead weight from my neck to my pelvic floor. It feels like a red hot ball of fire rising. It feels like a fist that's balling up that wants to strike. It feels like tension that is building and that needs to be released, that is not released until I say what I got to say the way I want to say it. And I know I may have to say it in my pillow, say it in my car, or go for a walk and say it in the street. But I got to get it out because if I don't, it's going to explode in the wrong place at the wrong time in front of the wrong person. It is in my back pushing towards the front. It has force. That is anger. And here's for me. And here's the key thing. If you don't deal with your sadness, your sadness will press in and turn into anger because all that stuff has to go somewhere. And here's the problem. If you don't deal with either one of those and you don't give them somewhere to go, You implode from the inside out. Fear feels like— for me, it feels like butterflies in my stomach. It feels like tingling in my body. It feels like hesitation, second-guessing.. It feels like starting and stopping. It feels like nervously looking around the room to see who's seeing or to see who saw. It looks like fluttering right here in my chest. It looks like shallow breathing. It looks like short, shallow movements. It looks like the inability to reach. It looks like stuttering. It feels like, like I just want to fly away. Fear is sharp. It is a pang in my chest. It is a shooting of a heartbeat. Everything in it is pointed. It's not an explosion. It's like a light tap of something that shoots out and I can't take it back. It feels like. If you have deep sadness, hot anger, and staccato feelings of fear, this means your garden isn't good. Now, I'm no Dr. Anita. I'm no Dr. Anita, but I am a person who feels deeply. And what I learned this weekend was it is such a good thing, even if you're still working through things, to give yourself a permission and room to feel, to acknowledge your feeling, because this is how you allow God to till your soil. It's Good soil, fertile soil is soil that you allow to have added to it things that are going to break it up and to bring nutrients in, to let air run through and water flow. And when you realize that you're sad, when you realize that you're angry, when you realize that you're afraid and you acknowledge that, you then allow other people or whether it's therapy or a great book or the process of doing morning pages, The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, or maybe you are going to write in your journal journal, maybe you use Day One as a digital journal or a 5-year journal, something— I'll put all of these links to all these wonderful things that I've used over the years. When you allow yourself to then dig and say, why is this this way? Why is my soil compacted hard? Why is it killing everything I put in it? Why are there stones in here? Why is there fear? What is happening that is putting me in this place? And when you just say, I am I am sad. I am angry. And I am so afraid. Then you are acknowledging what's wrong with the soil that you need to address. And then what you allow is the people that love you, or the therapist who is excellent at their craft, the husband who sees you, the friend who looks deep into your eyes, or you being your own best friend through your journaling and your morning pages and your therapy and all these different things. You allow the thing that you need, and you allow the Spirit of God to inject in your soil something you need. Years ago, I was planting tomatoes in my backyard. I was digging and trying to build a 4x8 square foot garden, hit a pipe. Hope I didn't damage anything for the people who are now in the house. But, um, I was trying to get my soil right. And where I live in Texas, the Texas is like clay. It's hard and it's stony and It's really, really hard. So I was building this raised garden and trying to make sure that the dirt I was putting in, that I was amending the soil, amending the soil so that I would have soil that could actually grow good things. And so I took a tester vial of my soil up to Callaway Nursery and they took it out and then they tested it. And based on what they found in there, they said, here's what you need in your soil in order for your soil to be healthy soil. And so I took what they told me and I put it in the soil and I worked it in. I amended the soil. And why did I do that? Because I wanted something to grow. I took the soil that I had and said, is it okay? What do I need to put in it so that it can actually grow something? If you are not growing fruit in your life The Bible says in John 15:5, my mother's favorite verse, "I am the vine and you are the branches. If you abide in me and my word abide in you," John 14 and 15 is all about abiding, "you will bear much fruit." You have to be abiding, not just going to church, abiding, not just trying to be a good person, abiding, spending time in God's word and in prayer so that you're communicating with the God of the universe. But then he wants you to bring him his vial. Bring him your vial. He wants you to bring him your vial so that he can look at it and say, we need to amend the soil. You need a little bit of this, you need a little bit of that. You need to add this in. You need to work a little bit to till it, because if you want to bear fruit, you got to come to me because I'm the vine. You're just a branch so that I can give you what you need, because I'm always fully in stock of all the things so that you can go then and do the work. So that you can grow some. I don't know any person in this life who doesn't want to grow something. Don't we all want to grow some? I want to read a few verses to you, if that's okay. In Psalm 34, verses 17 through 18, the Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all of their troubles. He's close to the brokenhearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Isaiah 41:10, don't be afraid. I'm with you. Don't be discouraged. I'm your God. I will strengthen you and I will help you and I will hold you up with my righteous right hand. There are so many places in the Bible that we're reminded to go to him. But we won't go to him often unless we're too far and we're desperate. And you don't have to wait that long. So as I've described what I'm talking about today, if that's you, I just want you to start today with acknowledging sadness, heaviness from your neck to your pelvic floor, anger, red-hot forceful heat that if you don't get it out, it only— honestly, all of these things can make you sick. And fear, shallow living, shallow breathing, hesitation, butterflies, sharp pangs in your heart. It's like, it's staccato living. If you're dealing with any of those in any area of your life, this message is for you. First, go to God. Use the word that describes how you feel. Then I need you to go to God and use the word with him. Lord, I'm sad. And I believe in Googling God. Google verses for sadness. Draw near, James 4 says, and he will draw near to you. Acknowledge it. Use the word. And then look for your safe places. Where's your husband? Where are your friends? Where's your sister? Where's your mom? Where's your daughter? That even if you don't want to tell them, you know you should. Use the word, because there's nothing more that a loving God loves to do than to see you fall. And you're sad, you're angry, you're afraid, and he's watching you hold it in, but he's sitting there with open arms saying, come here. And then when you come, he's like, let it out, let it out, because he doesn't want to hurt you. He wants to heal you, but honestly, we stop the healing process because we won't say the word. So yes to all things Dr. Anita, and yes to all things feeling the feelings. But from one girl who doesn't necessarily like to feel the feelings or who's gotten really good in her life at knowing how to tuck them and run, I spent a weekend using the word moving slower, lowering the bar, giving myself permission not to do, and telling people and telling the Lord who love me, you know, I don't really know how to describe it, but this is the word. So here's what I want from you. I want you to use the word. Now, if your word is not sadness or anger or fear, if it's another word, it doesn't even have to be a bad word. If where you're at right now in your life, the word is joy and the word is contentment, or the word is grateful, or the word is excitement, use the word, but I want you to think about what your body is feeling. I want you simply to use the word. How does your garden grow? To the degree that it is healthy when you look at the garden within. All right, y'all, I hope this was helpful, and I'll see you next week.