How to Parent Adult Children Well

How many of you thought that by now your kids, your adult, young adult children, would be out of the house? But instead you find yourself sharing your space again. And if you find yourself balancing, what does it mean to help my young adult children, my adult children, my older children, without enabling them or supporting them, without sacrificing your own peace, your own relationship, your own season of life? If you are feeling like Why is this a pull? Why is this a struggle? Why is this a tug of war? It's because you are not alone. We are out here in these streets, y'all, mothering, parenting older children, um, and trying to figure out how do we do it. And if you are in that zone, you are not alone. And we're going to talk about how you can help your adult children and move from parenting to coaching. Be healthy, not lose your mind. We gonna do this on today. You hear me? On today. Let's do it. Y'all, we are in a season where according to Pew Research, and this research was done about 5 years ago, which has probably shifted a lot because of COVID but more than half of what we would consider to be young adults. And when I'm referring to young adults, I'm referring to primarily ages 18 to 29. They're living with their parents. This is the highest, and that was in 2020. It's the highest since the Great Depression. Um, now we know why that is. We know that there are reasons. Two of those are money is funny and it is hard to make it out in these streets. And so adult children are moving back in with their parents because it's just hard to fund their life. The second reason is because we have a generation of people that got doubled down on during, um, the COVID season. That Gen Zers in particular who are really struggling, just struggling with the weight of life and adulting. Adulting is a thing. It's a whole thing. We need a class because if we took the class, we might not want to adult. But there's a whole group of young people that are just struggling with the responsibilities of adulthood and making a way, finding a career, making a life. And they are returning home to kind of get themselves together. So financially or just personally trying to deal with the weight of life and are moving back home or relying on their parents more than their parents did. Now listen, I'm a Gen Xer. Gen Xers, I have been told from all the things I see on Instagram, TikTok, we are feral. We were the be sure you're home before the street lights come on generation. My mama didn't know where I was. She knew I was in the neighborhood somewhere, but she didn't know what street I was on or which group of kids I was with. And I was just out there riding my bike. I walked to the library when it was time to volunteer, y'all, up the street. I walked to the closest McDonald's without a cell phone. Okay, without a cell phone. And when I say these things out loud, I'm like, hmm, that was a, that was a different time. And I'm sure it was a different time for the generation before them. We are in a hyper-aware state of where our kids are. Yes, I have Life360 on my phone, and I really try to only use it if I need it, but it is— the world is crazy, and I just want to know where my kids are. My parents did not have that level of access to what I was doing and what was happening in my life. And so we live in a situation where one generation, our Gen Xers or older millennials, are parenting younger millennials or Gen Zers, or now we've got Gen Alpha and Beta's coming on the scene soon. Um, the world we're living in is different and it's harder. And so having kids that boomerang back to you in responsibility or need for support or a need for a roof over their head is not a bad thing, and you are not alone. But the bigger issue is not even where they're living, even though that's indicator of this. The bigger issue is how am I parenting them? Like, how am I coaching them? And what does this look like? Now, the boomerang currently for me right now looks like kids who are in college. So when they come home for the summer, they come home for elongated holidays, a fall break or a winter break. We have these discussions all the time about— I mean, I know that's what you did in school, and I know I wasn't there, and I know I wasn't able to look at your every move, honey, but you in here now. Like, no, you can't stay up till 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. No, I don't want that happening in my house. I mean, we are having the negotiation of, I know you stayed out and didn't call me when you were at school, but you are here now, so I need you to tell me when I can expect you. And I don't want you showing up later than this. It's not about you, it's about me. We are having those conversations, and it can be a safety for you to be there for your kids in that way. It can also be frustrating for them and for you because they're in between seasons of independence. I mean, I just laugh when my children tell me when they turn 21, you know, they're legal now. I'm like, okay, you want— you want to be fully legal and fully responsible? Because that means something. I recently had one of my children— I won't tell you which one— tell me in a fit of frustration, but I'm a grown man. Oh y'all, oh y'all, that was not That whole statement incited my mother's mother's mother in me. That, that, that required my grandmother's mother to make an appearance. And I, if I must say, my monologue was quite convincing. I was like, oh, so we, so we a grown man? You mean like the kind of grown man who, who owns the cars that they drive? Oh no, that's not what, that's not what you mean. You mean the kind of grown man who pays for his insurance? Oh no, you don't mean that either. Oh, I see. You mean the kind of grown man that puts the food on the table or cooks it? Oh, you didn't mean that either? Oh, I'm sorry. You mean the grown man who furnished your room? Oh, you didn't mean that? Oh my goodness. Not that either? Oh, you mean the grown man who has to have me sign for things? Like, y'all, she was evoked. Eva was evoked. I understand. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I understand there is a tension, um, when children are in that age and they are vying for their separation from you. Or they are vying for their solid start in life, but there's still a need for support, and there's a tension with them trying to break away. And that's what I tell my kids all the time. You're supposed to not want to follow my rules. You're supposed to want to follow your own rules in your own house. That is the tension of, you don't want to do it my way, then get your own. Like, that's the tension. But if you're here, or if you need my support and help, then there may be input that I'm trying to give because you are not yet fully independent. But there is a shift. There is a shift that has to happen as your kids move into young adulthood. You have to shift who you are. So I want to talk about, in the question asking that we are having about what do I do with these adult children and how do we navigate being together and when do I push them out, when do I support them, like, what does this look like? There's all kinds of questions, and the questions are going to be as long as life is, because we have different kids in different seasons for different reasons. The child who's living at home with you because they are working on their master's degree, or the couple— your, your son or your daughter went out and got married and had a baby and they are living in your basement— like, that scenario might work if they're trying to get on their feet and if they're being responsible. And that's different than a scenario where somebody just won't get a job. They just won't. So you've got to take the nuances of this and make it work. But some of these things that I want to talk to you about today, they are true no matter what the nuances are. Number one true thing is you have to learn how to shift from being a parent to a coach. Um, a sports coach does not run into or onto the field to make the play. They stand on the sidelines, they give instruction, they cheer, and they hold the players accountable. When your children are children, Proverbs 22:6 says you train up a child in the way he should go. And training is not forever. Training is not forever controlling. Training is not— just like the Cowboys, we don't, we don't see what they're gonna do this year, but they have training camp. Training camp is not the season. So there are things that happen during training camp that don't happen when we're playing the game, and that's the same thing that parenting versus coaching is. When you are actively parenting and training younger children— this is why it's so important for you to train your younger children. Let me just speak a word to those of you who have children under the age of 12. You have the opportunity to train your children. Training sounds like exactly what it sounds like. It sounds like I have exercises that I need you to do, and I'm gonna stand there while you do it. I've had a personal trainer twice in my life. I just get mad every time because I'm like, I should be able to do this on my own. But the reality is, is that if I pay the trainer, I'll show up. I'm not even paying them for the training. I'm paying them for accountability. But when I go to see my trainer, I do what they tell me to do. They stand there and they spot me. They give me feedback on my correct form. They give me the plan when I go home. They may even give me counsel on what I'm supposed to eat. They're going to tell me about my macros and my micros. They're going to tell me how much water they want me to drink. I am following instruction. We have a lot of parents out here in these streets that don't want to give instruction. You have a godly edict to train your children. That means you need plays that you're going to run, exercises that you're going to give them. You're going to stand there and watch their form. Y'all, last week I had one of my children who refused to wash the dish. He washed the dish, he put it over here, and I've been finding some dirty dishes. We do not use our dishwasher in our house. I use my dishwasher because I know how to make sure that what went into the dishwasher is actually going to get clean. My children don't seem to know that, so they don't get the privilege of using our dishwasher. Hand wash the dishes so I know that you clean them or you didn't clean them. You can't blame it on the dishwasher. He washed a pot, he put it over here to dry. I was standing right there. I picked the pot up, I looked in it, rubbed my hand in it, it was still dirty. I put it right back in the sink. He washed it again. He put it on the towel to dry. I picked it up, I looked at it, ran my hand in it, still wasn't clean. I put it in the sink. We went through this activity 9 times. That's called training. You have to stand there and train your children. You have to teach them right from wrong. You have to go over the Bible with them. Get a Bible and read it at the dinner table. You memorize scripture, you correct them. This is why I can't be in the store with unruly children, because I am that person who will break all of the social code and correct your child for you. I can't take it when I see a child disrespecting their parent. I will say, I'm so sorry, I know you don't know me, but if you don't mind, I just want to tell your son that life will go well with him if he honors you. Son, you need to respect your mother because your life will go well if you talk to her right. Mom, you're doing a good job. Make him talk to you right. I'm that mother in the store. Train your children. I literally had someone recently, I gave their child a gift, an opportunity for them to get a meal. They got on that menu and bought the most expensive thing on the menu. And when the parents sent me the, the request She said, well, you know how kids can be. She said, I'm so sorry, you know how kids can be. Training looks like, oh no, honey, you're not ordering that. She offered to do something for you. We're going to be respectful. Training looks like not letting your kids run wild, that they are— that they are not without guidance. If you did not do a good job of training your children when they were younger. We're going to get to that in a minute. But if they are younger, you are the parent. I read an article by CeCe Winans years ago. I wish I had it. I wish I had that magazine. But she said, I will be my child's friend later. Right now I am the parent. The parent means they may not like you. Being the parent means they, they may be exasperated with you. Being the parent means yes, you have fun, and yes, we create memories and all those things. But when there are boundaries, I set the boundaries and I hold the children accountable to staying in them. You cannot expect what you don't inspect. Stop saying, well, my children just don't clean their room. They will clean their room if they don't get to hang out with their friends this weekend. They will clean their room if their allowance gets docked. They will clean their room if they have to go in and do it over because they didn't do it right the first time. You have to train them, and training takes time. If you start a new job, and you have training, you don't jump into everything that you're supposed to be doing. You start with the training, you go to orientation, you read the rules, somebody stands over you and shows you how it's done. That component has to be a part of your parenting. That is the parenting piece. Coaching says we went to training camp already, you know the rules, you have had practice, you have had input, you've had guidance, you've had hands-on attention. Now I'm just going to remind you of what you already know or what you can't see. Hey, I hope you're enjoying the podcast. I'm popping in real quick to make sure you know to mark your calendar for October 17th and 18th to join me in Dallas, Texas for the Sister Circle Live. It'll be a Friday and Saturday full of teaching from me, teaching from my friends, live worship, and an amazing opportunity to connect. This year we're going to be talking about what it means to have abundance. In your mind and in your pocket. Because listen, it's all about how you think, and it's all about what you do to build your resources. Come to Dallas. Let's talk about it. October 17th and 18th. Go to thesisterscircle.com/live. One of the best ways to coach, and I'm learning this as I learn to coach coaching clients, women that come to me for professional development, listening is a skill. I've got to see what's happening and listen to what's happening. And a lot of the ability for you to be a good coach is for you to stand by and see what's happening. They're on the field, they're making the plays. You're asking questions or giving guidance for what you can see that they cannot see. Parenting crosses into coaching with adult children when you just are telling your 21-year-old every move. Let me give you an example of what this looks like. I have a kid who has chosen to finish their degree online and, um, they are now paying for the last few hours of their degree. We discussed, we had a whole conversation about which should be the two classes to choose. And then the last day for add-drop, which means I didn't find about it until the evening of add-drop, they made a change that I don't like. But you know what? They're paying for it. And I said, well, I really think that the setup that we had was probably the optimal, but you're paying for it. So what made you make that change? How do you think that that's going to impact XYZ? What's your plan for paying your phone bill? That is different than here's the money for your phone bill. The change that was made, I think, puts in danger finishing a degree within a certain period of time. So I asked the question, so what is the path or the rhythm or the pacing that you're thinking you'll have to keep up with in order to finish that degree on time? Well, I hadn't really thought about that. Well, you know, um, have you connected with your advisor yet? No, but I probably need to do that. Coaching says, I lead the horse to the water, I do not force you to drink. Coaching says, I'm going to get your brain to think about the problem that you're going to have to solve. And listen, I'm available if you have questions. You will get more questions from your young adult children if you step back, because if you've trained them well then they have to use their muscles. And sometimes using their muscles means they drop the bar. And you decide when you are in the training or the coaching lane, how close you are to spotting them. Sometimes you stand back and you say, you got it, you got it. And sometimes you're close enough where if the bar drops, you could put your hand out. That is different than training. When you touch them and, and let them know that this, this muscle needs to be tighter and you straighten the bar for them, there is a difference. You have to learn how to move from parenting and training into coaching and encouragement. Your job as a parent is not to prepare the road for your child, but it is to prepare your child for the road. So the question is think about where your young child needs training. Here's the hard part about training that people don't like to hear: that often involves you doing it with them. There's a principle that I read about in many books when I was learning to be with my children, because I knew that I love my children and I could get them off to school, but when I had to be with them all day because we were homeschooling, y'all, I was like, how in the world? I had to train them. And there was a principle that I learned about called tomato staking. That is the idea that when you have a tomato plant that you want to grow and stay off the ground, as the tomato plants grow on the vine, as the fruit grows on the vine, the tomato plants get heavy and the vine starts leaning over. So you stick a stake in the ground and you use zip ties or sandwich ties to tie the vine to the tomato so that it will stay off the ground as it bears fruit. Tomato staking says, I am next to you to keep you straight. When your children are smaller, tomato staking is a whole thing. That's what I was doing when we were washing the dishes over and over and over again the other night. I was standing there because to give the instruction, if the job is not being done, you need a different level of presence. Some of you are not getting the results out of your children because you are not present. You fuss at them because they're not cleaning up the room, but you never actually showed them. You're mad because the bathroom is filthy, filthy, but how often have you gone in even when you don't want to, when it's clear that they need a refresh or a retraining or a reteaching. And you stood there— I've stood there with them cleaning the bathroom to coach them through that. They've been trained, but they needed some retraining. It's like, no, no, no, you're going to have to wipe down the counters before you do that first. You've used that rag too much. Go ahead and put that one away and get another rag. Let's watch a clean your bathroom video tutorial. Training and retraining. Coaching says, um, when do you plan on getting to that bathroom? Okay, just to make— or do you have any questions about when that has to be done in order for the rest of life to continue? Just want to make sure you're clear. Is there anything that you need from me? Any questions? Coaching looks like stand back, let them figure it out, and if there are consequences, let the consequences hit. Better to let them hit when you can coach them through it than for it to hit when they have to hit the concrete hard. Coaching says, I have trained you, now I'm going to stand back and let you go to work. Number 2, you want to have support without enabling them. There is a distinguishing line between helping your children and rescuing your children. Helping moves them forward toward independence. Rescuing them keeps them dependent. Stop fixing it for them. Let me give you an example. When I was in, um, my 20s, I was working for Fidelity, and I used to sit there and watch the stock market all day. And I used to watch a certain stock go up, come down, go up, come down, go up, come down. So this was my version of day trading. It would have been different if I was day trading with my own money, but I borrowed money off of a credit card, put it in, it went up, I made $400, took my money out, did it again, put $800 in It doubled, took my money out. So then I got double or nothing hungry and I put thousands of dollars in and it went down and kept going down and kept going down. So by the time I took my money out, now I'm in debt. I gambled and I did not win. So I moved out of my apartment. I moved in with my mother's, my parents, my dad's assistant. She had an extra room and she was single. So I could get out of debt. My dad asked me what my plan was. He said, why are you doing that? I said, I explained, because I'm in debt. And he was like, oh, I can't believe you did that. He said, what's your plan? So I told him what my plan was, and he said, well, I see that you are making responsible decisions to remedy a problem that you've created. And he said, for every payment that you make on your credit card, I will match it to help you out. That's called helping. He could have rescued and just paid the debt. I had gotten scholarships to college. Like, they had not spent all the money that they had. Like, he could have done that, maybe. But instead he said, as you move forward in your independence, I will support you. There's a difference between covering someone's rent once in a crisis and then always covering the rent every month when they don't have a plan and they're not working. There's— that's a difference. So the question is, am I helping you And are you involved in the process of movement? Another example, I had a kid who needed a job. You're gonna look for a job, but you're gonna, and I'm gonna help you with your resume, but you're gonna make a first pass at the resume first. There's too many examples online for you to make up a resume. Canva is free. You make it up once and I will come in and let's fine tune it together. No problem. There's a difference between you having them on your plan and they give you $30, $40, $50 a month for their phone plan, then you paying their phone bill. You know, there's a difference between they're 25 and they should be able to pay their own phone bill. Like, there's a difference. And some of us, because life was so hard for us, we overhelp, which is enabling. And you need to call that what it is. If you have a child who's 28 who's not paying their bills but they're living with you, and then they have the nerve to get saucy with you when you ask them to take the car to get the tires rotated it, we got a problem. You have an enabled child, and your enabled child is allowed to be enabled because you keep doing it. You have to be honest and say, what am I doing that is not allowing me to carry their load? We have a, a, a swath of our society that is not able to function because their parents keep functioning for them. When your child was born Even if you were crunchy or almondy like me and you let that umbilical cord stay attached until it was finished pulsing. Don't cut the cord. Let them get all the stem cells they need to get now. All of that. At some point, you cut the cord. Because in order for that baby to have an actual life, they could not stay attached to you. And some of us, because we just don't want our kids to have to suffer like we suffered or to have to live on nothing like we had to live on it, we just want— We won't cut the cord, and guess what that means? They're not living their life. And sometimes you got to push those kids out in order for them to fly. Galatians 6:5 says, for each one should carry their own load. And you've got to balance that with Galatians 2 that says, carry each other's burden. So you've got to differentiate between a burden, which is too heavy, versus a load, which is a blessing they need to carry. Set clear expectations for your adult children. Rent contributions, chores, curfews. So we recently had to establish with our kids, because when they— when those kids come during the summer, you know, they're used to basically living in college with a party with all bills paid. And so, no, no, a part of how you support us is come home and take care of some things that I would otherwise have to pay for. You do it. And they will tell me, well, I don't know how to do it. YouTube it. Everything is possible with a YouTube video. You don't know how to replace the doorknob? YouTube it. You don't know how to saw this piece of wood in half? Go up to Home Depot. They can do it. You can do it. They can help. I need this carpet shampooed. I don't need all of my carpet shampooed, I just need this one rug shampooed. You can go up to Home Depot. You've never done that before? Well, ask them for guidance and instruction. Get online, find the name of that company, and watch the tutorial video. Like, I am a believer in if life is not teaching you to figure it out, I'm not going to figure it out for you. Figure it out. Set expectations. In our house right now, even with adult children, they have to check in their devices. In our house, I don't want devices and games on even during the summer. I don't want the temperature of my house to be everybody's on a device. So no devices, no personal devices unless you are taking a class or doing something productive. Your phone should be plugged up in the kitchen. Y'all pay for gas. I'm paying for the cars. Y'all have the cars. Y'all are using our old cars. You pay for the gas. Get out of college, then you're going to pay for your own insurance. I'm not doing that. As long as you were in school, you've got scholarships, I will help support you. But you have to be clear. And you— a lot of times we are being clear when we are fussing, when we are frustrated. Pay attention to your frustrations and then give clear communication surrounding them. So communication says, I work hard. If I come in the house and y'all are sitting down watching TV or playing video games, there should not be nary a dirty dish in the sink. Because if y'all have time to play, I should have time to play. And since your father and I are the ones paying the bills around here, we should all play. If you've got time, you should clean up the kitchen. If I do the dishes, it should be a blessing to you. Not the expected. I made sure y'all had dinner, so there you go. It should look like clarification about what we do here. And you and your husband, if you're married, need to sit down and say, what are we doing that we shouldn't be doing? Curfews, if appropriate. I tell my boys all the time, um, I respect the fact that you are older and that you live a different life when you're in school, but because I can't sleep if you're not home, I need you to be home. On exception, they don't like it, but you're living here. You have to be clear. And if you're like me, you may need to write it down. Write down what your expectations are. I have a whiteboard in a hallway in our home, and anything that are the to-dos, I write them on the whiteboard so that you are clear about what I expect. If I need it done on a certain day, I put the day on there. If I need to say who does it, I put their name on there. There is never a lack of clarity And when I feel myself getting frustrated, that's the opportunity to write it down. If you really want to focus on rhythms and routines, you need to be committed to writing things down. And I have just the thing to help you do that. My 2026 planner, y'all, it's available for preorder. And you want to get it now so that you make sure you get the color that you want. We sold out last year. And you want to get it now because it's on sale. And you want to get it now because not only can you get your planner, but we have a special pre-order bundle that once the bundle time is over, it's over. The stuff that's in it, some of it will no longer be available. And so the Full Circle Planner is available for purchase right now. Go to thesistercircle.com/shop so you can catch the sale, get your planner, choose your color, save some money, write things down, and live your best life with rhythms and routines. I want to support you, and one of the ways I can support you without enabling you is being clear, having clear expectations. You should have expectations. They should contribute their time or their money. They should participate in things around the house that need fixing or addressing. They should pay a portion of the bills. Let them pay the bills. Let them learn. Let them see what it is. Let them learn how to do that. Stop rescuing your kids. And if they're supposed to pay a bill and you've been paying the bill because they haven't been able to get it together, let the bill expire. Let, let them figure that out. Number 3. So number 1 is you need to shift from a parent to a coach. Number 2 is you've got to learn how to support without enabling. And enabling just simply says, I will do for you what you can do for yourself. I will make something easy for you that actually you need to do in order to grow some strength. I will take the pain so that you don't have to feel it. But if you enable your kids instead of supporting them in the growth of their own independence, you are actually killing them slowly because they won't have what it takes to make it in the world. Number 3, boundaries actually build respect. One of the main reasons why I think we have an issue with children in general respecting their parents is because parents won't set boundaries. Boundaries are not walls. They are not points of no access. They are not, I don't love you and I don't care about you. Boundaries are guardrails. They're guardrails for me because I need to protect my life and my soul and myself. They're boundaries for you because you don't want to do out in these streets what you think you want to do and then have God shorten your life. They keep everyone safe and relationships healthy. I am the queen of when my kids say things to me, I'm sorry, what did you say? Because my name should have a handle. Or the way you say it, you can say it straight, but you need to say it respectfully. I refuse to let you cross a boundary line with how you communicate with me, forgetting that I am not your friend. I am your big sister in the Lord. I'm your mother in the flesh. But either way, there is a distance from me, and I am wisdom in your life. Respect the wisdom in your life. And I find myself, because I have a great relationship with all of my children, engaging in lower conversations. And then I have to remind myself and remind them of who I am and who they are. Imagine living with no traffic lanes. It's chaos. Wrecks would be all over the place. You have to have lines and lanes to have boundaries and order. And boundaries are a blessing to you and to them. Matthew 5:37 says, here's the boundaries: let your yes be yes, let your no be no. Because boundaries bring clarity. Practical boundaries are house rules related to cleanliness and bills and guests. Emotional boundaries, like, you can tell me how you feel. This is what I always would tell my children: you can tell me how you feel as long as you speak to me with respect. If you feel like you're emotionally out of control, you need to go get yourself in order. Practice what you're going to say to me. Cry and hit the wall upstairs. Speak crazy things in your pillow. I just shouldn't hear them. But then when you're ready to talk to me with respect and honor and clear communication, I am here for that. When kids— when even when they're little, I'm watching sometimes— my, my daughter has called me many times and said, you know, this one is just screaming and they're just out of control. And I said, you can tell them, love them Your emotional expression is safe with me. I am a safe place. But then let them know that we are in a home with other people. So while you need to get your emotions together, we can't do that in the living space. But I love you. Because we don't want them to feel sent and not safe with you. Give them the truth. And then, you know, we've had to tell a couple of— I used to tell the kids when they were young, Why don't you go upstairs until you can, until you can function? Because screaming and tantruming and talking to me any old kind of way, that's not gonna work. I want to talk to you. I want to hear what you have to say. I love you. Your feelings are valid and they matter. However, the conversation that we're having is not a respectful one, and I want you to be respectful with me so that you are blessed. So you may need to go and collect yourself before we can continue this conversation. I understand that the emotions rise. I mean, our kids are emotional when they enter into junior high, middle school age. It's hard and the emotions are all over the place. But a part of boundaries is life. The reason why people can't function in the real world is because nobody in their family world gave them boundaries. And so they lose it with their boss, so they cannot function with a, with a customer, or they tell somebody off because nobody ever said You've got to be operative within boundaries, time boundaries. They need to respect your rest and quiet. This started when my kids were little, training them. It is mom time, it is quiet time, 2 to 4. You find a way to make yourself happy and leave me the heck alone. I need quiet and time away. To this day, I tell my children, I will talk to you, but I'm in a meeting right now. Is it life or death? If it's not life or death, you can send me a text or a note. 'cause working from home means they are disregarding my boundaries all the time. Send me a text or a note. Can it wait? We can talk about that after dinner tonight. Make a note. Well, mom, I'm not gonna remember then. Make a note. Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love yourself as a mom, to love yourself as a dad, as a parent, even when you risk disappointing others. Brené Brown said that, and that is the truth about boundaries. Even when you are parenting, even when you're coaching. Now I want to just say, this is a— this is a hard and sometimes lonely season. Priscilla and I call each other all the time, and we pick up the phone and we know what's happening. If she or I say, girl, these kids are not gonna kill us, because— and then you and your husband, if you're married, you need to be on the same page. I've had to go to my husband many a time and say, is it me? Am I crazy? Or when we're talking to the kids, I look at him and say, Are you hearing what I'm saying? Because I want to make sure later when they come back and try to make me think that I thought I was crazy, that you heard what I was saying. Like, you need an ally out here in these streets. You need an ally, and that's okay. An old lady in an elevator one time— I got on the elevator and I had small kids— and she said, she said, oh, you have 3 boys? I said, no, I also have 2 girls. She said, how old is your oldest girl? I said, 14. And she said, can I give you some advice? I said, sure. She said, it's harder for her than it is for you. Feel sorry for her. And I kind of cocked my head to the side and she said, do you remember being a teenager? And I was like, yeah. She said, do you want to go back and repeat that? I said, oh no. She said, it's harder for her than it is for you. The 20s are hard. Remember that if you are 40 or 50 or 60 and you are navigating and coaching your young adult children through these seasons, it's hard. Me and Charis talk all the time about how I'm like, these millennials and Gen Zers just don't know how to manage their money. And she said, no, it's hard. Like, we literally— she said, Mom, like, the things that worked for you, the, the, the price that you paid for your house and how much money you were making and how that enabled you to live a life, like, that doesn't work. We've had so many discussions about that. She's like, it's harder for me than it is for you. So compassion, lots of compassion. If your child is 28 and home with you, you are not failing. You haven't failed because your child is home. This is an opportunity to grow together. And if you will shift your role to a coaching role, clearly communicate your boundaries and trust that God can finish the work he started in your child. This is only a part of the story that you'll tell. Philippians 1:6 says, he who began a work in you will be faithful to complete it. God has begun a work in you and he's beginning a work in your child from the time they were little itty-bitty. But especially if they're in their late teens, early to late 20s, they've got to work through some stuff. I had to learn about money and, and debt because I had a mistake. I had to learn about taking care of my car because my dad, he told me to, to look at the manual, my first car, and pay attention to everything that needed to be done. I didn't do that.. And so I wore my brake pads down and had to change my rotors as a college student. Y'all, I had to do that. That has never happened again in my whole life because he did not rescue me. So I am saying your children, even if they are 25, 26, and if you're in here and you're 25, 27, 29, listen, it's hard out in these streets. And if your parents are trying to rescue you and tell you what to do, Welcome their wisdom, but also say, I could really use your counsel. I tell my children all the time, I am wisdom in your life. Yes, you need to respect me, but also ask me questions. Quit figuring out this stuff on your own. There is no need for you to go the hard way just because you didn't want to tell nobody what you were doing. I am here. The reason why children are blessed is because Parents are basically somebody that has lived life 20, 30, 40 years ahead of you. There are pitfalls you don't need to fall in. Encourage your children to come to you for wisdom, and then as a parent, don't force the wisdom down their throat. Coach them, call things out, ask them questions, set the boundaries for respect, support without enabling. And be sure you are making the shift from parent to coach. And if you are actively in a parenting season for younger children, don't apologize for parenting, training them, teaching them, guiding them. If you see that you can see something's not right, fix it. Help but not injure by enabling. And then have boundaries for respect. Now I realize that there are so many nuances about this. You have to decide. But here's what I will tell you. I told this mother this last night. You as a Christian mother, you have the Holy Spirit. That is the most amazing part. You as a Christian mother were given— while every child is different and there's no manual for child rearing other than the Bible, you were not given the specific manual for your child. So there are some things you're going to have to rely on the Spirit of God to teach you. And you were given the day your child was born a mom-o-meter for that child. How many times have you just thought they were too quiet and you went and checked on them to realize they were doing something they weren't supposed to do? If you feel in your head or in your body something not right, that's your mom-o-meter talking. Trust the Spirit of God and trust your mom-o-meter. If something is bugging you, if it's not sitting right, that's where we need a plan. If you see them buying things and you're like, are they just running through their money? Because I don't like that. I want them to give and tithe and save. And, you know, I had my boys open up an IRA. They are employees of the Sister Circle. They do odd and end things. One of mine cuts videos, they fix things, they clean the bathroom, they take out the trash. I am not paying you so that you blow your money. One of my goals was so that you would start an IRA. So we sat down and we had a meeting because my mama meter was like, they out here not doing what you want them to do with the money. So we sat down and we came up with a plan. You can trust that the Spirit of God in you and the mama meter in you will tell you when something needs to be fixed. If it's bugging you, fix it. Create a boundary, create a rule, create an expectation. I walked in the door and was like, why are the dishes not done? Because I worked all day and y'all sitting around here playing video games. So that became an expectation. Y'all, when I come in the house, if the dinner is done, there should never be dirty dishes in the sink. Who's supposed to do them at night and midday? We created expectations. If you are bothered, if your mama meter is bothered, if the Holy Spirit says no, they don't need that, that is your indicator to create boundaries. That is your indicator to communicate. That is your indicator to say Something needs to change here. But I want you to know that if you are doing your best and praying over these children and laying them before the Lord, and God knows your children better than you do, God will give you the solutions you need. He will say, here's something that you can do. And then also, y'all, get an ally, because you're not the only one that has been faced with this. I've had to call lovely women in my life who had, who had to raise adult children or children ping-ponged and ricocheted and came back home. And I was like, what were the rules of engagement that you had with your kids? So get an ally, have a friend, pick up the phone and say, girl, these kids not gonna kill us. And then proceed to share what is making you lose your mind. Why? Because you get the opportunity to still Be an ally of your child even when they're 27. You move from training and directing to coaching. And if you're lucky, if God is blessing you, if you're listening to the voice of God and the mama meter he gave you, you will be coaching them for as long as you both still live. I love it when my oldest daughter calls me about her kids. I love it when she calls me about work decisions. I love when she calls me about hiring decisions. I love when she calls me about how to get dinner on the table, or how does she, you know, lower her grocery bill. I love it because I get to coach. She is coming back around full circle to say, Mom, how should I do this? And I'm happy to provide the wisdom. If you avail yourself to your children as a source of wisdom, you will never stop parenting, but how you parent will change. And the beauty of being a mom, the beauty of being a parent, is that you get to share your wisdom for your whole life. Take that responsibility seriously and think about what wisdom looks like when they have ricocheted back to you. And here's what I can tell you: just like God is a loving Father, no matter how old we get in the faith, he trains us, he develops us, He disciples us, and then he says, come to me, all of you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Keep coming, take my yoke upon you and learn from me. And just like that's offered to you in every season of your relationship with God, we can offer that to our children too. So this is me telling you to stop enabling your kids. This is me telling you to let them do it, let them work, let them make mistakes. This is me telling you if they need training Stand there and train them. This is me telling you that training means you can't be a lazy parent. Coaching means you can't be a lazy parent. You are watching the game the whole time. You are in them with it to win. But know that if you're committed to be involved yourself, the God who gave you that child will be committed to you in giving them what they need to move forward. So here's to all the older children who are living life from home or trying to launch their lives in a new way. And here's to all the parents who are doing all the best they can to make it possible. Thanks for tuning in to the Sister Circle Podcast. If that content blessed you even a little bit, you're going to love what's coming next. Don't stop here. Go ahead and watch the next video. I'll meet you there.