How to Stop the Comparison Trap with Chrystal Evans Hurst

Yes, I'm back in braids because I just couldn't take it. I just was like, I went to the braid lady and was like, save me from myself. So you can thank the braiding lady, Miss Nikki, for taking care of my hair. Oh, because sometimes I be looking a mess. Let me just say this, you're about to watch a video where I, I probably look a little bit of a mess because most of the time when I do these live streams with the Inner Circle, it's like 7 AM. I just rolled out of bed and got in front of a camera. Y'all catch the real deal on the inside, Inner Circle. You know that this is the after. I'm creating this introduction after the recording of the other thing. Anyway, y'all don't need to know all that. Here's what you need to know. Someone in the Inner Circle, Miss Kimberly, asked me a question about comparison. So I was not planning on releasing this video. I was not planning on sharing it with the whole wide world.

That's why I probably look a little bit like I just rolled out of bed.

But the answer that I thought was going to be like a short answer turned into basically a whole teaching. And I thought I ought to share it with you.

So listen, say thank you, Chrystal Hurst, for putting yourself out there in the streets looking like you just rolled out of bed.

But I want you to have this answer because I think it'll help your life. If you're new here, welcome to Coffee with Chrystal Hurst. Drink whatever you like, your water, your tea, all the things, the sparkling apple juice or other.

Check the box for other. But I hope what I teach you today will help you to live your life well.

So this is what Kimberly asked me, and then after that you'll hear the answer.

Here we go. Kimberly said, how do you avoid the comparison trap? Everyone is out here doing all the things, trying not to keep up with the Joneses, but now even the Smiths are making me question my mediocrity. So let me just say this about Comparison. Comparison is a trap, and it is not new. Um, the devil is really good about deception, and even with Jesus in Matthew chapter 4, he was comparing him to what other people would think about what he has done, what he can do, or who he is. He says, listen, if you will do this, I will make sure that everybody else in the world bows down to you, because basically you'll prove that you're better than they are. You have to keep coming back to your centered place where you know what God is requiring of you in this season. We have to trust that the Holy Spirit will guide and direct, that whatever he requires of us, he will let us know. If you feel kind of some way in your heart when you look at what other people are doing, that can be an indicator of maybe what you desire, but it is not supposed to necessarily spur you to action. If you look at other people and you're like, well, that's really good that they took a family vacation. Well, maybe the comparison is teaching you that you need to look at your life and your finances and talk to your husband if you're married and say, I really want to take a vacation with our kids. So what can we do to have a vacation that we can afford? Comparison isn't a bad thing if it spurs you on to do something that you are craving, that God has already put in your heart. It is a bad thing when it spurs you into action to do things that don't fit you, that are not for you, or that are not God's plan in this season for you to execute. The question is, why do I feel some kind of way about the Smiths or the Joneses? Is it because it's creating a standard I don't even have for myself? Half the time, y'all, we'd be looking at other people's stuff. And here's the reality: I can— if I wanted to, I could go out and buy a BMW in this season of my life. What it would cost me in my life work to drive a BMW. I don't want that. I don't want to exchange a certain amount of my life for a car that I'm driving. Cars aren't that important to me, number one. And number two, I don't want to spend that much on a car. Could I? Maybe. Am I going to?

No.

But I have to know deep down in my heart what I want. I have to know what I want. And sometimes we have to think about what we want in terms of the amount of life that we're exchanging to have what other people have. They're going to show you where they live, they're going to show you on social media what they drive, they're going to show you what they did with their children. But what they're not telling you is the argument that they had last night with their spouses, or that one of their children is not emotionally stable, or the amount of life, how many jobs they've had to work to afford the house that they live in. People don't show you the whole picture, so you can allow comparison to stir something up in your heart. But then you have to ask yourself, but is that what I want? And what would it require me in order to exchange some of my life for what I'd have to use that for? What you have to look at your life and do is find what you enjoy in your life. What brings me joy in my life? And you have to figure out a way to celebrate that. When you find yourself comparison— comparing yourself to other people, what you're comparing yourself to isn't what they're doing. You're comparing yourself to the celebration of what they're doing, to the highlight of what they're doing, to the focus of what they're doing, and to the sliver of the story that they're telling you with what they're doing. So what are you celebrating your life? Because if you celebrated it, took a picture of it, talked about it with your family, made a memory of it, were intentionally participating with it, then maybe you'd feel the same way. The reason why we compare is because we are focusing on their win, but that usually is an indicator that we have not identified our wins. Because when you know who you are, what you want, and what makes you happy, you don't get distracted by other people and what's making them happy. When you are regularly celebrating what is a win for you in your life, taking pictures of it, writing about it, talking about it on Monday when you get to work, then you're not going to get wrapped up in what other people are celebrating. But you can also look at it like a tool. If someone else is celebrating something in their life and it makes me go, oh, I wish we had that— I mean, you can look at somebody all lovey-dovey with their husband and go, my husband and I are not like that. Well, guess what? You could change that if you wanted to, or at least make a valiant attempt. I can look at someone else's home, right, and say, oh my goodness, their home is beautiful and now it's ready for fall. Let me just tell you the truth. I— my sister, we were on FaceTime and she showed me her house and she says, I'm just so excited fall is here, I'm ready for fall. And she's showing me her house, y'all. I can't even finish my bedroom. I still have the couch I've had for 23 years. I need a couch now in my living room, right? I have 4 rugs on the floor from Costco just because I don't want to ruin the wooden floors, because I have not been able to find a rug. But here's the truth. The truth is, if I feel jealous of my sister's living room— you want to know why I feel jealous of my sister's living room? Because I have not taken the time to decorate my own. Now, that may be for a lot of reasons. It could be I've had a rough few years. It could be maybe I have a lot on my plate. It could be that I don't like shopping. It It could be that there are interior designers and I don't want to spend the money. Whatever it is, here's the bottom line. I have not done it. That's it. I have not done it. So if I want a living room that looks like fall and that looks amazing, guess what I can do? I can go to Hobby Lobby, I can go to Mardell's, I can go to Michael's, I can go to Home— whatever that other place is that's called— and buy some fall pillows and put some greenery in the house. Who's getting in my way?

Me. Me.

I don't have to have it all done to put touches of fall around my house. Here's the other thing: I have a bin in my attic with stuff for the fall. Do you want to know why my house doesn't have fall touches yet? Because I have not taken the time to go down and get that bin. There are pumpkins sitting outside the Sprouts around the corner. Could I go and put some pumpkins on my front porch? I could. Have I done it? No. So you have to look at your life and say, if I'm comparing myself, what am I comparing myself to? Because you're probably following people whose lives you are interested in or you want to emulate. What is it that you want from their life that you are following them? You are looking at them because you get something out of it. We don't follow or chase after things that we don't get something out of. What are you getting out of it? And then what are you coveting? Can we just call it what it is? What are you coveting that you actually have the ability to create in your own life, or at least to work towards? So comparison is something that really is an indicator of something deeper that you need to address, and you need to address it in a way that keeps you content that keeps you working within your budget. But if it awakens something in you that you can actually work towards, use that as motivation. But don't stop the bus at 'I wish I had.' Well then, why don't you? Why don't you? Um, I told my father yesterday, so we were talking about my smile. Somebody was telling me about my smile. They were like, girl, every time you smile, you're, you're smart. You have, you have a smile And she's right. When I smile, it's like this. Why do I do that? Because actually I've had a shift in the bottom of my jaw, and if I smile with my teeth together, you can kind of see it. So my dad said yesterday, well, when are you going to get braces? This is what I said. I was like, oh, I can't afford braces right now. I have two kids in college. Now, that's not true. You want to know why that's not true? Because if I need to get a new computer for someone on my team tomorrow, I'll buy the computer. It's like, and if I needed to take a draw on the business in order to take care of something medical, I could. What I just gave was a limiting— I can't. That's not the answer. I don't want to. I don't want to spend 2, 3, 4 grand on braces when I have 2 kids in college and when I have a car that still— I'm still making a car payment on. That's my choice. But how I'm saying it, I'm saying it in a limited way. You have to look at what it is that you are not doing because someone else is doing it, because you have limited thinking about it. And I have to watch that because I have a— I have a one— I'm not even a frugal person naturally, but I have a one-income mindset. And I say a lot of times, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. I have told many people, well, you don't understand, because when they say, Chrystal, you ought to be speaking in corporate spaces— well, you know, because I'm in a ministry space, I just don't want to cross over there because I just don't want people looking at me funny when I charge more. Or I have all these limiting things about me being in ministry and what I can afford to do and what people will pay and all that. And I will always do things for free and give them away. But when I compare myself to what I can afford to do in the business or what I can afford to pay the people that, that I, that work here, all that, I'm like, what is that? Why is that? I look at them and I go, I, so I do it too is what I'm saying. But then I have to say, is the reason why I can't or I'm not because I'm choosing the no? And if you're choosing the no and comparison teaches you that, then comparison is a good tool. Okay. So I'm having to look at that and say that too. I went to dinner with a friend of mine. She is an encourager. We were both speaking, um, this weekend and we ran into each other. We had dinner and she challenged me and she said, Chrystal Hurst, because I'm looking at her and I'm looking at her and comparing myself. She told me about the number of of speaking events she has a year, and, um, how many of those are corporate engagements, and how much more, what percentage more she makes on the corporate engagements. And I will always do ministry things. And she said, why aren't you doing that? I said, well, because I have a heart for ministry. And she was like, yes, and you can have a heart for ministry and still have a faith-based, uh, instruction that you're giving everywhere else. So why aren't you really doing it? I said, well, I just want to make sure I'm not selling my soul. And she said, no, you're not selling your soul if you allow the gift that God has given you to make room for you in other spheres. She said, let me ask you a question. What do you want to change in your life? And I said, well, I'm content. She said, I didn't ask you that. I said, what do you want to change? And I said, well, I would like to change some things in what I'm doing, not only for the membership, but I've been afraid to do some of those things because, you know, and I just gave her all the reasons why. And she said, well, do you want some things to change? And I said yes. She said, well, then change. Stop talking about it, stop thinking about it, stop comparing yourself to other people, wondering if you can do it, wondering if you have what it takes, wondering what people are going to say, all these different things. Then change. You will always be comparing yourself when you see other people bigger than you see yourself, having more than what you have. Having a greater access than what you have access, that God favors them more than he favors you. When you compare yourself to other people, it's because you're attributing something to them that you don't think you have. That is a problem with self-talk, negative self-talk. That is a problem of belief. That is a scarcity mindset. Because if you look over there and decide that that stirs something up in your heart, then ask yourself Do I want it? Do I need it? Do I want to trade my life for it? And if so, what am I willing to do about that? I admire their marriage. How am I willing to pour into my marriage? I admire their house. What am I willing to do to level up? Do I want that? Because let me tell you, more bigger houses cost more money to keep, and the more you have to make to keep it, the more you have to trade your life for work to do it. Oh, that's great, look how close they are to their family. Well, do you have a family dinner time? Are you invested in your family? And as because you're their mother. It's never too late. Well, she looks so cute. I wish I could wear clothes like that. Well, what are you going to do to shift your body shape? You're going to get in the gym? You're going to change what you eat? Like, when we start hating on other people, what we're really saying is— let me, let me walk you through this— what you're really saying is, I want what I want, but I'm not willing to do what it takes. Or, I want what I want, and I don't think I have what it takes. Or, I want what I want, and I don't I don't think God can give me what it takes. Either way, you are deciding you can't. And then the ache you feel in your heart, the ache you feel in your heart is actually not about not having what they have. The ache you feel in your heart is your disappointment with yourself. That's what you feel. But when you realize that you serve a God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills, when you realize that God has given you the power to make wealth, when you realize— now I know there are some things you cannot control. You cannot control if your spouse is crazy and don't want to be married to you. You cannot control if your kids don't want to be with you. There are some things you can't control, but you can decide who you're going to be. You can decide who you're going to be. My husband's health challenges. Have the unintended consequence of those health challenges was that it created a space and a need for me to activate what I have. None of the things I've done in the last 10 years were on my list of things to do. None. But it activated a need and a space for me to put my skill set and my giftings to work. So it's a running joke right now. My dad will look at my husband and say, Big Jess— that's what he calls him, Big Jess— Chrystal's out here doing all these things. Why is she out here doing all these things? She does this, she does that, she does this, she does that. And so I talked to my husband one day and I said Is there something you would like me to cease doing? Because yeah, I woke all the way up, uh, all the way. And, um, you know what he wants for me? He wants two things. He wants me to be healthy. So if he feels like I'm pushing myself too hard, he doesn't like that. He will never get in my way, but he will— he will— he doesn't like that. My husband's a caregiver. He's a caregiver, so he likes it when I rest. That was our whole dating life, was him creating space for me to rest. We're gonna go to the movies. You want to go to the movies again? He said, yeah, because you're going to go to sleep and you'll rest. It's like, uh, the second thing is time. He just wants my time, just wants me to be with him, sit there and watch TV with him. That's it. Very, very— I'm married to a good man. The reality is I'm out here doing the most and As long as I'm doing what is burning up in my soul to do, and I've got time for my husband and time to rest, the sky's the limit. And that's the thing you have to say to yourself. What are the things where you are limiting yourself? And the reason why you know you're limiting yourself is because You looking at somebody else do it and you mad, and you're telling yourselves all kinds of reasons why that's not you, and you're feeling all kinds of ways because that's not you, when in reality the only reason why it's not you is because you're not willing to do the thing. I have been in women's homes where the husband was not the most amazing man, but she respected him and honored him. You knew that he was still the head person in charge. Y'all know what I wanted to say right there? The right person in charge. And also, but she was running everything, but their marriage was good because she knew and understood how to honor and respect him even if she handled everything. I'm saying that you are selling yourself a bowl of lies if you don't think that whatever comparison stirs up in you is not addressable. And sometimes the way that you address the ache that comparison brings is to tell yourself either you actually really don't want that, or you actually don't want to exchange your life for what they have. I was, uh, talking to someone who's working at an investor center. I can't remember if it's Fidelity or Schwab, but they were talking about where they are and how ritz and plastic the city is. Everybody's in a new car, everybody has designer clothes, everybody has designer purses, and they see them all coming to the investor center to talk to them. And she said, but what they don't tell you is how leveraged they are. Everybody's in debt, everybody has a second mortgage on house because they're trying to keep up. They're trying to keep up. You have to decide when you compare yourself if you want to keep up with that. Let me tell you something. I told my husband a long time ago, a couple years ago, I've reached the point in my life I'm going to be fat and happy. And by fat, I just mean health is always the goal. I want to eat what my body needs, but I'm done with being stressed about a size 8, size 10, size 12, size 6, size 14. I'm done with that. Does it fit? Do I look good in it? I'm done. Because you know what? Here's what I'm not willing to trade my life for. I have done zero to 60, zero to 90, zero to 180 crazy plans of losing weight and then running marathons and gain, like up and down the scale. And this season of my life, I'm going to be a friend to my body. I'm going to be a friend to my body. I'm going to give my body what it needs. Yes to working out. Yes to walking. Yes to eating good. Yes to drinking water, but not in a race with myself. My body has carried me through the birth of 4 babies. My body has carried me through hospital stays where infections were running up my leg, threatening for me to lose a foot. My body has carried me through emotionally difficult seasons. My body has carried me through the loss of people I love. My body has carried me. I'm gonna honor my body and not make myself, my innards, or my physical body feel bad because I'm not a size 2. Now don't get me wrong, health is always a goal, but I refuse to look at somebody else wearing a certain side of clothing, showing their belly button, and feel bad about myself. My body is holy. It is the temple where the Holy God— it— where the Holy Spirit lives, and it carries me around this planet. So why would I hate on it? I'm done with that. Comparison says, I want what you have. But the question comparison doesn't ask is, am I willing to do what it takes for you to have it? Comparison will teach you what you want, and the question is, are you willing to do that? There was a friend of mine who taught me so much about managing home and managing children, and She moved her furniture around probably every other month, every quarter at least once she moved her furniture around. She would paint or she put in her own crown molding. She was always doing something in her house. And I said to her, oh my gosh, why don't you just move, like, to a house that has some of the things that you're trying to do here? And she said, because this is an affordable house, and because if I move I'll be spending more money, and I don't want to do that. She said, I move my furniture around every 2 or 3 months because this is the way I stay content. This is the way I give myself something new in a house that's old. This is the way that I keep myself busy, and I get the feedback that I would get if I was in a new home. If somebody came to my new home, they would say, oh my goodness, your home is beautiful. Oh wow, this is great. I get that same interaction when they come to this home when I move things around. I don't need to move. I don't need to spend more money, and I don't need a bigger house where I'm paying bigger bills and I have more to clean. I'm content right where I am. Comparison. How do I deal with comparison? The answer to the question is, I ask, what is comparison telling me about what I want and why I want it? I ask comparison, what is it telling me about what I have not been willing to do for what I want? I let comparison show me where I lack gratitude and where I have discontent. I let comparison show me where I am, what I value and what I want more of. And then I walk away from comparison. I close the app, I turn off the TV, and then I get with the Lord and I say, now what am I supposed to do with that? Are you showing me that I need to invest more in my marriage? Are you showing me that I need to save more money? Are you showing me that I need to take care of my body in a better way? Are you showing me that I need to spend more time with my children? Are you showing me that I need to invest more in my friendships? Are you showing me that I need to take more time with my hair? Are you showing me— like, what is it that you're showing me? Are you showing that I need to make more space to get on a plane and go on vacation because I want to experience more of the world? Are you showing me that it's been too long since I've taken a vacation or since I've seen some water? Are you showing me that it's time for me to level up my business or level up my ministry? Are you showing me that I need to have more time with, with people I value? What are you showing me? What is my flesh reacting to? Because what did Jesus do in Matthew chapter 4 when the devil said, let me tempt you with something you don't have? Jesus said, I'm going to the word to remember what I already have access to. You already have access. That's the thing you have to remember. You already have enough. You already have a Father who has the cattle on a thousand hills. You already serve the person who knows your beginning from your end. You already have the power of the Holy Spirit at work in your life. So if there's something that you need, something that want, something that you desire more of, then go back to the word. Because in the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God. What is it that that is teaching me about what I desire? And if it brings up something that isn't good, then you'll see it in the right light and you'll put it to bed. Because I actually don't want that if it's going to take me away from you. I actually don't want that if it's going to destroy my family. I actually don't want that if it's going to make me work 90 hours a week. I actually don't want I don't want that. If it's going to make me unhealthy, I don't want that. If it's going to take my time away from doing the things that really matter— if you can take what you want and put it in the box of God, what do you want for me? Put it in the light of the word, and then you can say, well, should I do it or should I not? I am not in the house of New Age. I hope y'all know that about me, but I do listen And I do hear many things that are in the world that they stole from us. And because we are so intent on not being worldly, we go to the other extreme and we miss truths that the world is using that came from the Bible. The Bible talks about blessing, and a man was blessed. If he had a bunch of kids. The Bible talks about blessing, and a man was blessed if he had lots of flock. Bible talks about blessing, and a man was blessed if his descendants did well and followed after God. There was no reason for a person in the Old Testament to not think he wasn't supposed to have lots of flock. That was a part of it. There was no reason to not have a bunch of kids. Like, it was no reason to— like, we don't want what we're comparing ourselves to. We don't want to waste money. We, we don't want to be frivolous. We don't want to invest in things that are going to burn up. So then we say wealth is bad. That ain't what the Bible says, and it doesn't mean that that's all there is to life either. But I'm saying what we've done— and this is what the word is that will make you sound like new agey— is we have these limiting beliefs because we have put on ourselves— because we compare. I'm only going to go this far because if I go further, I might be bad. If I go further, further, I might be worldly. If I go further, I might be fleshly. If I go further, I might be about things that don't last. When in reality, money's just a tool. You can give it all away if you want to. It's not all about money. Some of the reasons why we're comparing ourselves to the world is because the world takes it and does what they want to with it, but we forgot God gave it to us first. Like, there's a way that the world thinks, and so if you allow the world— the way the world thinks to influence what you do, you will always limit yourself. Because this is what Satan was doing from the beginning. Oh my goodness, this is mind-blowing to me. He basically was saying to Jesus, I know You actually already have it all, but what I'm going to try to convince you is to trade your all for my sum. But I'm going to spin my sum like it's everything, because in actuality, if you will trade down for what I'm spinning is everything, you're actually trading in your all. You want to know what comparison does? It says it's awakening in you what your all is supposed to be. But you traded in some because the devil made you do it. I'm gonna get them to think less about what they can accomplish in this world. I'm going to get them to think less about what they can have in their marriage. I'm going to get them to think less about actually being on fire for God and doing what he put in their heart to do. I'm going to get them to think less about their capacity. I'm going to get them to think less about all of this. Because actually everything they need, they already have. But if I can get them to trade in some and limit the expectation for their life, then I'll have them. Now, yes, does he tempt us with comparison with what other people have that he can— but it's still about less. You see what I'm saying? Like, if he says I'm gonna make this person on social media make you think that your husband is trash, right? Because look at this husband and look at what he's doing for her and look at the trip he— and your husband is trash, right? So you fall out of love with your husband, you separate from your husband, you divorce your husband because he actually wasn't doing for you, you know, giving you what you needed to have. You know what the devil just— and I'm not talking about abuse, I'm not talking about— but you know what the devil just made you do? He made you trade in less because actually there could have been the power that you had to invest more in your marriage, to sanctify your home. You see how he could trick you? And there are a lot of women who've been out here who've been tricked. And there are some people where it was the right thing for you to leave. I'm not— no guilt, don't— no shame. But I'm talking to those of you who know that the reason why your marriage isn't flourishing is because you're cold, you're hard. But you're comparing yourself to these women who've traded in and keep trading in. Like, you have to ask yourself, what has God already given me, and am I invested in that? Let me tell you what happened when Jesus left the desert. When he left the desert, he invested 3 years of his public ministry life not having a place to lay his head, healing the sick, raising the dead, being long-suffering with those 12 disciples. He was like, listen, I'm gonna show y'all how to do this. And then he died, or horrific death. And then after that, he sat at the right hand of the Father. He already had it, but the road to it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy. My point is, comparison awakens things in you, either because Satan is trying to trick you into trading your life for something you don't have, or because it is awakening in you something that you should have, something that is yours to have, but you have developed a limited mindset about what you can't do, what you can't have, what you can't experience. Satan is always trying to maximize your limited mindset, either to have you trade in for something less than, or to keep you from going towards what God has more for you in this. I know that there are a lot of nuances to this and everybody has their own story, so take what I'm saying as a general application. But what I want you to know is comparison is something that you can use for your own benefit to see where the devil is trying to tempt you to accept a lesser outcome for your life, or where God is trying to remind you of something that he already has designed for either way, it's a tool. So if I want braces, get the braces. And I may not, but if I do, don't say I can't. Instead say, I'm going to— I'm just going to wait until we graduate college, kid, and we pay off one of these cars. That'll be about a year. I'll do it in a year. You need to speak from a place of abundance. That's another one of those words that freak people out, instead of scarcity, because you serve an abundant God. You need to always speak of yourself from a place of capacity, because even if you don't currently have the capacity, God can expand your capacity. You remember Moses with the rod? What do you want me to do? How are they going to know that I'm the person you sent? Throw down what you have in your hand, Moses. It's a snake. Now pick it up by the tail. I just increased your capacity. You can tell yourself that your relationships aren't what you want to be, but you can also tell yourself that Jesus took 12 fishermen and changed their hearts. The Bible says that he can exchange a heart of stone for a heart of flesh. Well, you have the power of God working in you. If you want more comparison, I know Nona Jones just wrote a book on comparison. I haven't had her on the podcast to talk about it. Maybe I should. The problem is when, because comparison is bad, you put a lid on it without looking at why it's a thing in the first place. Comparison is an invitation to examine So take the invitation to examine why is it that comparison is drumming stuff up in you, and what should you do about it? I hope this has been helpful to you. If it has, leave me a comment. What has comparison been telling you? Where are you comparing yourself? In your love life? With your money? Where you live? With your friends? How you dress? What is it? Go ahead and confess it. Confession is good for the soul. And then if this was good for you, be sure and share it with a friend. All right, we'll see you next week.

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