Jada Edwards on Building an Authentic Life

Hey there. Welcome to the Sister Circle Podcast, where sometimes you hear me solo, but every now and again I bring in a sister or a brother to have a conversation that I think is worth having. Today you are in for a treat because I'll be joined by my friend, Mrs. Jada Edwards, who is a preacher, a teacher, a pastor's wife, an author, and a mom who's going to be talking about what it looks like to build an authentic life. And y'all, If you don't know who Jada is, you're not ready. And if you do know who Jada is, you're not ready. So I'm not going to hold the phone much longer. Without any further ado, let me jump into sharing with you, my friend, Jada Potato. What do you think is a good barometer for what to share and not to share?

Like, if I—

if— well, that's a part of the answer, I'm sure. But I think it's the same thing. What is TMI? And does it matter who you're you're talking to. So when it comes to trying to warn other people, or just say, hey, like, this has been my experience, learn from my experience, how do we adequately communicate about how we've built well or not on the foundation, um, in a way that allows other people to learn and learn from us so that they can build well, but also where it's not TMI?

Man, I think— well, gosh, I think that's hard. Well, for me, the growth point for me has been starting first with authenticity. So, like, am I even OK with everything that's going on with me, things that I've been through? A lot of times, if you're still in the middle of healing or still working out something, that's hard. But my— the first thing that has been something intentional for me in the last few years is, being authentic to myself. And I don't mean, like, in the world, like, be your true self, love you. It's not that kind of thing. It's like, what's the truth about you? Because if I'm okay with that, when I meet someone who says, I'm going through A, B, and C, I'm not detached. See, if you don't— if you're not okay with your own, with what's true about you, then when someone says, oh my gosh, I'm going through this season, you're like, oh, let me pray for you. And God is like, pray for her, tell her that you have been through that season or you're still in it. But when we're detached from what's true about us, then that becomes a huge barrier to connecting with people. And so when I say authenticity, I don't just mean speaking your mind, which by the way, I'm about that too. But I—

But I read better with age.

Oh, y'all, next year I'm about to be 50. I'm going to say whatever I want to say. So if you come at me and you're incorrect, you're going to know. I cannot wait. I got so many thoughts in my head.

Why do you have to wait? Why do you have to wait?

Because I just want somebody to be like, she 50.

It's like, it's like the credit. You earned the right.

And my friends and family like, it's going to get worse. Yes, it is.

Because already, you already speak your mind, girl.

Not everything. Yeah. And I'm like, listen, I love you and I love the Lord, but what that right there is wrong. Don't do that again.

Yeah.

So I can't wait, y'all. 12 months. But anyway, so the authenticity, the true, being true, being okay with what's true about me. I'm trying to watch my phrasing because I know the idea of my truth is very popular in culture, and it's not that, 'cause there's only one truth, that's God's truth. I'm saying being okay with what's true about me, because the more comfortable I am with my story and my actual life, I have to have that first to even be open to when to share and what to share and who to share with. If you in denial about your life, then you're gonna miss every opportunity that God is gonna bring you. So, being okay with my life is the first thing, the authenticity. And then I can start to ask the Lord in a moment, how much vulnerability? Authenticity always. Vulnerability with discernment. Because you can't be as vulnerable with everybody.

Say that again. That was good.

Authenticity always, but vulnerability with discernment. And sometimes, you know, we skip authenticity and we just— it's verbal vomit coming out. And you're like, but I don't even know what's the real thing that needs to be shared in this moment. Vulnerability. Is not your opportunity to dump what's going on in your life. That's— what is God saying in this moment for this relationship, for this audience? And so, when I'm authentic and I'm okay with myself, long answer, I have tried to, moment by moment, just what is God saying? Because if you don't— if you're not actively seeking and actively discerning, you will put— you'll come up with some formula for certain audiences that get certain parts of you. And you'll say, "This person's not close to me. They don't need to know." And that could be the very moment where God is asking you to disclose something to someone that's not very close to you, you would not otherwise disclose. And then, it could be a very close friend, and you just gotta get it off your chest. And he's saying, "Not now," because he knows what's going on in her life, and she don't need to hear that right now. And so, only God can see the other side. If I'm willing, "Lord, this is my story. This is all the things I'm dealing with. Here's what's true for me. I'm holding this open in my heart." I'm in your hand. You tell me when to say, what to say, how much to say. That— the authenticity, vulnerability thing has been a huge intentional shift for me, which has been helpful.

I was going to say, because I have known you a long time. So how old? 13? 11? What?

Girl, like, yeah, 11, 12. Yeah. She was like me and Chrystal Hurst's big sister for a long time. So she didn't like us. We always got kicked out of her room. And then, you know—

Get out.

Get out. Get out.

Stop touching my stuff.

What are you doing? Where'd you get this shirt?

Be quiet. Why y'all so loud?

Who you on the phone with? Mommy Chrystal's on the phone. So—

Right, tellin' on me.

Tellin'. But then, you know, after college, it didn't matter. We were just all friends. But yeah, so then—

But I have noticed that, like, vulnerability for you, it's not that you have been unwilling to be vulnerable. It's just not your first area of comfort.

Well, I've been my own discerner. That's the problem. If you're not a super open person, you're your own discerner of when you should be vulnerable. You're gonna be way more guarded and self-protected than you should be. And God is like, "That's not your story. It's my story. And if you're gonna be ashamed about anything, you should have been ashamed in front of me. And there is no shame with me. So, why you worried about anybody else? If I tell you to say it, say it. You need—" And I'mma tell you how much to say. Because he has stopped me in my tracks trying to be spiritual, tell him, "I'mma pray for you." And he said, "Uh-uh. You can pray later. Confess. Share. Tell her." Because more than your prayer and your texted scripture, when you say, Girl, I get it. That is where connection happens. And here's the other thing. I've been my own discerner, and I like to be— I'm an achiever. I like success. So I don't want to share with you what I still haven't figured out. I want to share when I'm on the other side. Ooh, let me tell you how. And the Lord is like, you better share before victory. You better share while you still in the battle. Because sometimes people need someone that's in battle with them. Not just the victor and the champion on the hill going, "Girl, you can do it." Everybody don't need that. Sometimes, they do. But it's only if I'm discerning, like, actively discerning, where— what do I share? When do I share it? That's when the Lord can be— he's the perfect discerner. And he has led me to say things I would have never said on my own because I had to stop being my own discerner.

I did not do this. What is happening? What? I don't know. You're just intense.

Yeah, because, well, we have a church, so I'm with a lot of people. But that has been hard. It's hard. And it's very— I don't know the word. It's like emptying. Emptying. I don't know the word I'm trying to find. It's very— I don't wanna say draining, because it's not bad. It's just, you— it forces a greater dependence. 'Cause you're like, "Ooh, Lord, I'm putting a lot of pieces of myself out there." And you're putting it out there for him, and for what he might do in somebody's life, and to love well. And it's not so they can say, "Oh, my gosh, thank you for sharing that. Oh, my gosh, you changed my life when you—" You might not get any of that. And it's so that you can stay dependent, and humble, and understand that you need a surrendered story all the time. All the time. And so that, I mean, that's— it makes you feel fragile. That's not fun.

I didn't do it. I just want to say I didn't do it.

You didn't do that. I didn't do that. That's the Lord. That's good. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. So yeah. Thank you.

I saw you have a picture with your grandmother on Ooh, my grandmother just turned 96, y'all. Super sweet. And I know that a lot of your— I am gonna be spiritual for just one second and read this verse.

You got your whole Tony Evans. It's not the Tony—

it's sad. I need to have the Tony Evans Study Bible. This is the one with all the writing in it, so I'm having a hard time departing. I know. It's like I'm trying to—

Like 10 years of— Yeah, yeah, 10 years of notes in here.

You know, Matthew 7, "Everyone who hears these words of mine and acts on them may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock." rain fell, floods came, the winds blew, slammed against the house, and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. A big part of foundation often is the upbringing that we've received. And I know you've talked a lot about your mom. And then— but when I saw that picture of your grandmother, and the thing is, you— I'm gonna let you go ahead and tell them just something. Give them something about your grandmother.

Listen, Ernestine— so she— my mom's the only child. So, and my grandmother is a driver, a very strong personality. But she has probably influenced me as much as my mother. Just a woman of faith. She's like a Bible studier, prayer, go before the Lord. She's that person that's like, "You know, the Lord woke me up at 3:00 AM, and he put this on my heart." I think she got me through college, 'cause she used to call me, like, "I covered you." I said, "That's why I passed that test." But she just is that person, and she just— She breathes scripture. And so, she's just been a strength in my life that I really can't explain. And to this day, she'll listen to me teach, or Conway teach, and be like, "That was really good. Now, you also know that—" Like, "Mm." Thank you for the feedback. So, all the time. And so, when I went to visit her recently for her 96th birthday, she— I don't even have my phone up here with me. But she— As soon as I saw her, and I was like, "Happy birthday, Granny." And she just started saying that scripture that, you know, "He'll give you long life and salvation." I forgot the scripture, but I put it on my social media. But she— that's just the first thing came out of her mouth. And so, I look at her often, and I'm just like, this woman is so— she's such the bedrock of who I am as a believer that it— you know, I'm very grateful for that, so. Well, she don't play either. I was gonna say, she was cookies and whoopings. Okay, that's— she wouldn't— she wasn't that granny. So she wasn't no glam mom and all this jazz and stuff. She's like, I'm your grandmother. I beat your mother and I'll beat you. All right, now let's have some quiet time and we're going to worship and you need a slip. So all the things.

So, okay, so what are some practical things? And I'm not saying you can't talk about the word, but what are some practical things that you know to do because she made sure of it. 'Cause she was also— she is also very particular about how you host people, how you dress, how you— so, when we think about, like, foundation and building, what are some bricks that you feel like your grandmother, either directly or via your mother, gave you? And you're like, "This is the way it's supposed to be done." At church, in home. And maybe when you do these things in your home or do them that way, you're like, "This is 'cause my grandmother said—" Or maybe when you tell young women at your church and you're straightening them up. You know that that came from your grandmother.

Yeah. My grandmother, so she's my shopping partner, or used to be when she was more mobile. So she loves clothes. She loves to dress. I bought her gift cards every birthday. So she'd be like, girl, you know I'm watching this suit at Dillard's. And so— Because you got to watch it. You got to watch it. '89, how you watching it? You don't have no device. You know? You know how I ask Carolyn go by and see if they put start that sale. And so I was like— But so she loved clothes. And she loved dressing. And she was that woman that was like, now how they going to have an all-white day? I just wore my white suit 6 weeks ago. I'm like, it was a whole discussion. So I say that to say, when she taught me about beauty, she doesn't even realize she did it. But she loves clothes. She loves fashion. And I do too. So modesty and beauty wasn't like at the expense of having style. And she always subtly reminded me that this beauty was something that you radiated. So she would say little things. And I remember being a girl, we'd be out, and somebody would have on short shorts or tight jeans. And she'd be like, "Ooh, she'd be such a pretty girl if we didn't see all that." You know? And it would never be like, "Ooh, she shouldn't wear that." It would be a compliment dovetailed with like, "Ooh, she'd be so pretty if her mouth, if she just, mm. She's so pretty, but sometimes things come out of her mouth are ugly." You know? Or, "Oh, she'd be so, ooh, you know, well, she's so smart, but sometimes her choices." So she would, she found ways to define what beauty and this confidence was as a woman that really has shaped me. 'Cause like, at our church, y'all, I am the dress code police. And they trip out because I love clothes and fashion, stuff like that. And even when I was younger, I was like, "Hey, we don't need to see all that. It's too much information. Too much." And so, I now have not realized how diligent I am about it, to the point where mothers will be like, "Okay, my daughter likes the way you dress. I don't like the way she dress. Can you talk to her?" You know, teenagers in their 20s, 30s.

What would you say? Because I think— I think, you know, you're talking about your grandmother talking to you, but I think what you're saying, that's one of the hardest things to communicate, where we want people to feel loved and not to feel judged, especially women in the church. It's like, I don't want you to walk in the church and the first thing I'm doing is talking to you about your clothes. Yes, and a prayer cloth. So then people— but what I found is— so, do it again, do it again.

You coming here broken before the Lord, they like, "All right, did you see that one? Get her up. How you doing, baby? Welcome, welcome, welcome." You're like, wait, I can't come as I am? Not one time? No.

Well, that's the question. Can I come as I am? And at what point am I crossing the line where I need a prayer cloth? Like, what is— so how— because you have a pretty young demographic at your church, which is always just a trip. I have to remember you're a pastor's wife. I'm just like, oh, she's a pastor's wife. Jada Potato's a pastor's wife. Pray for us. So, what does that look like? Where— how are you doing that in a way where there's a good balance? 'Cause it's a brick we need to give. It's like, it matters how you present yourself. It matters that you know how— that you take pride in your appearance. But also, that you realize that how you do that matters. And not— but also, I've been on the other receiving end of that, where I've had people say things to me, and it was very demeaning. Yeah.

And you know, we not that close. That's really what you wanna say.

Is that what it is?

Yeah. Because the first thing is, you speak beauty into everybody. And women have a hard time doing that, especially if they hadn't had beauty spoken into them. Speaking beauty into somebody is one of the most— and listen, a man saying, "You fine," is not the same as a woman saying, "You're beautiful." It's not the same. When a woman speaks beauty into another woman, "Hey, beautiful. Hey, gorgeous." I used to think that stuff was cheesy. That stuff works. And when you feeling bloated, and you breakouts on your face, and your hair not right, and people like, "Girl, okay. I see you." You know, it's just something about us. And so, that you can do for everybody. A lot of times, we skip that part, and we go straight to speaking correction. And you can't speak correction, A, without relationship, and speak beauty first. And so, if I can't speak correction 'cause I don't know you well, I'mma speak beauty. Because my grandmother taught me that if I show you enough what's beautiful, you'll figure out what's not beautiful. And then, if I— I mean, we got to learn how to tell somebody they look cute, and not just in private, "Oh, she think she cute." Not that kind of— you know, to be like, "Girl, okay then." You know, so, we got to learn how to do that. So, that, I think people, I think women gravitate toward other women who are comfortable enough to just speak beauty into them. And then, when it comes to the correction part, I am very big on relationship. 'Cause I mean, my grandmother could shake me 'cause she was my grandmother. And so, a lot of times, at our church, in ministry, whenever I'm doing things, if I see something that's a little, I will spend half the day, and I've spent half the day, trying to find who knows this person. 'Cause I'm like, you earn the right to speak into somebody's life. And so, I'm like, "Oh, okay. Well, we'll figure it out." Because I don't know if that's— if that was— this was the morning she almost didn't come, and that's what she put on, then the length of that skirt is secondary. And everybody, and all the men, and all the AVs, we gonna have to just get through it, because we not gonna die that day. Somebody has to be able to come in imperfect, and we not die. Now, if it's a pattern, and person's leading, that's different. But most of the time, I'm like, "Let me just go speak beauty, make sure someone is talking to this person." And I don't speak correction until there's a relationship. There's a very small circle. I'd rather influence people who can speak correction with people they have relationship with than be the police for every single person.

That's good. You mentioned, "I'd rather influence people." Yeah. What's a brick that you would give for talking about influence? Because I think— I mean, there's a variety of women in the room, in terms of the season of life that they're in, and online. But I think influence is something we don't talk enough about. We all are aware that it exists. We're all watching someone on a stage. But I don't know that, apart from just the general conversation about Titus 2, we know Titus 2 exists, that we're really— we really talk about, in a practical way, what either you can be doing to be intentionally influencing, or what you should be doing based on your season of life. But I know discipleship is super important to you. I know that you are intentional about discipling young women in your church. And so, when you are teaching women that they should be influencing, what are you teaching? What are you telling women? How should that work?

Yeah, so, yeah, influence, gosh, in this culture is such a heavy word. But I do probably lean more toward discipleship and relationship building because we got enough people wanting to influence. And I'm like, pshh. So, I think that that comes with, again, a lot of it goes back to being okay with your own story, because you can't— it's very difficult to pour into someone's life and create connection when you are only sharing, you know, 5/8 of your own life, you know. So, there's a comfort level with that, but I just think it's a biblical call. So, I'm like, "What does disciple—" It's not, "Are you gonna disciple?" It's like, "How are you gonna disciple?" It's a call. It's not an option. You don't have to go to seminary. You don't have to be an expert. You don't have to have Bible study. This is a life-on-life, you know, kind of connection. And so, you know, in those spaces, I'm trying to encourage people to figure out, who are you pouring into? Who are you pouring into? You know, we— our middle schoolers, they got their little elementary mentees, and our high schoolers mentor middle— I'm like, everybody needs to be pouring into everybody, because that's how the body works, right? It's this trickle-down fountain. And sometimes, it's not just age. You know, I've discipled women older than me. It doesn't matter. It's whoever God brings, and they wanna learn from you. But I will say this. Discipleship and influence really are not about authority because authority is given. Influence is earned. So, a lot of people can have authority and you have to obey. That's not what you want. Influence, you know, because Jesus wasn't— he didn't disciple from the mount. He taught from the mount. That's authority. This was true. That discipleship was, "Come follow me," right? And somebody had to say yes and start walking with him. That's how you got discipled. And so, that influence piece takes time. It's patience. You have to earn it. And then, I want to encourage people to always feel like wherever they are, they can be influencing. And if that replication happens, you just have a much healthier, not just church, a body of Christ. Like, how many of us are not connected to someone that pours into us, or that we pour into? Like, you need all of those relationships to be healthy. You know, and then, you start to see your circle of people you can be talking to about how low they blouse is, 'cause you like, Do you know her? Then be quiet. So influences, I think it's a tricky thing, but it's necessary. And when I say it's earned, man, it can be lost. It can be lost. I've had people that, for whatever reason, we didn't get along, or they didn't like something I said, or I could have done— I don't know, any number of reasons. And you need to know when you have lost influence with somebody and just stop. How do you know? They don't willingly seek your guidance. Or you— or they act like they are, but every time you give guidance or instruction, they're never really taking that into account. And that's okay. Jesus lost influence. I'm not worried about it. I'm not here to make sure you always listen to what I say. There's a season your heart is open, and for some people, that shifts. And they're like, "I don't wanna hear from you anymore." Okay. That's okay. I don't need you in my audience. Whoever God brings. And there's a lot of things that can cause that, but— But that is one of the most frustrating things. It happens to parents. It happens to siblings. You need to know. And when you've lost influence, if you're not aware of it, you'll lean so heavy into authority, you'll ruin a relationship. Goodness, girl.

So, you have— I remember, and I don't know if this is still something you're doing, there was one year, well, I just wanted to know if I had made the cut, 'cause you were like, "I gotta just— there's too many people in my life. I gotta like, I gotta decide who's the inner circle, who's the inner inner circle, who's the 2 or 3, who's the 12." Everybody else, I'm just going to pray for them when I see them online. And I was just like, which level? Which level am I? Because you were so like, I'm just— and I mean, just trying to be intentional with your time and deciding who gets how much. I mean, I remember that. So is that still something you do?

We listen. You gotta clean your closet out. You gotta clean your relationships out. But it's not— I mean, it's usually not that drastic, but I do pray. Often. Like, this time of year, I'm really— I really am praying about relationships that might not be what the Lord has for me now, or relationships that I might not even want to be in, and he's telling me, "You need to pursue this." And so, that's the only thing that will keep you with some kind of healthy balance. And when you're creating space, it's not disconnection. You're not, like, unavailable. They on the side of the road, you're like, "Don't call me, girl." It's not that. It's just like, if I'm gonna be intentional, then what does that look like? So, this year, this year, actually, I got some current friendships that the Lord is like, "You need to lean into this." And I was like, "Oh, I do need to lean into that." I was just talking to Chindri the other day. I was like, "Man, you have seasons where you have better friends than you are a friend." That's just the truth. You know seasons you're just not a good friend. And so, now, the Lord has been like, "Hey, remember this one and this one when they kept depositing in you and you just—" was sucking all the friendship out of you, 'cause you were going through your stuff. I need you to deposit. And so, he's just kind of showing me some old friendships that I need to lean into, some new ones. That one that's getting on your nerves, I want you to go talk to her. Like, "Why? Why, Lord?" "Get over yourself, cuz. Just go talk to her." So, yeah, he'll do that.

Hey there, I hope you're enjoying this episode. But I wanna challenge you to grow to the next level if you're a leader. Jada and I both are having this conversation as friends, we are also both leaders. And off camera, y'all, we get together to do the most to make sure that we are growing as women, as wives, but also as leaders. Because so many people will say, Chrystal, can I pick your brain? Chrystal, can we go to coffee? Chrystal, I've got this question. And it's related to leadership. I am hosting a special retreat April 23rd through April 26th. It's down the street from Magnolia in Waco, just for leaders. There's like 25 spots, y'all. Very, very small. The goal is to have me speak into you as a leader and to have other women who are leaders speak into you too. We're going to have hard skills, soft skills, and lots of opportunity to grow together. So if you're a leader, you're in ministry, or maybe you own your own business, you're a CEO or you're a C-suite executive, you're a leader in your community, and you just need to get around some like-minded women to network, but also to grow. Consider joining me. This is a special intimate event, keeping it small, and I would love for you to consider coming. I am going to be talking to my email list first, and when the spots are gone, they're gone. So here's how you need to make sure you find out more about it. Get on my email list. Go to chrystalevanshurst.com, right underneath my picture, you will see a place to put your email, and that will make sure that when I send out the notifications about how to register, you'll get it. All right, y'all, let's jump into this conversation with my friend and amazing leader, Jada Edwards. So what have some missteps— I mean, you are— I just want to give you the opportunity to share any— because you're almost 50— any wisdom before you start telling people off. Any wisdom? It's going to be wise. Huh? No, I know. It's going to be wise. It's going to be wise with a tell-off spirit. I'm saying— any wisdom, like, you've been in the ministry game now for 25 years, 25+ years formally, but, and there's some things you've learned along the way, and I know we've talked about some of those things today, but if you, if I just said, you know, it's a free-for-all, if you're like, before I leave this room, I wanna make sure I hand these bricks. I've learned this, maybe it's because of a misstep, maybe it's because of something I knew, but I didn't know. Is there anything else that you would say, if I could leave you with this, or these things, I want you to know this. Use this to build, please, God.

Oh Lord, let's see, so many missteps. Which one will I pick for the room, Lord? Um, one of my big ones that has— that, that again, a lot of it is because of how I'm wired and I'm kind of frantic. Um, has been a struggle with consistency. It really is hard for me to do anything for a long time. I don't agree with that.

You've worked out consistently. You have been— yeah, but I— it's not the same work.

I can't do the same thing and I can't go to the same place and I can't work out at home, I can't do it. I gotta be somewhere in a gym with people. And that has a pretty quick gratification to it. You know, after a few weeks, you're like, "Ah, I've been working out." So, you just feel good about that. But things that— yeah, still in general, no. Like what? Give me an example. Like— So, for me, if like I teach twice a month at our church on our women's Bible study. I remember for our first few years just doing that all year, year round. And then I was like, "I don't wanna do this ever again. I don't like it." And the Lord was like, "You do like it." And I was like, "Well, I don't wanna do it." He said, "You don't wanna do it the way you're doing it. So, figure it out." So then we went to semesters, and I would do like 10 sessions in the spring, 10 in the fall. And then that's changed. And now sometimes it's 6, sometimes it's 8, sometimes I bring in a guest. And I still love teaching, but— But anything that puts me on like a rhythm, you got to do this every 2 weeks, that does not excite me. I work better in cycles and projects. I like to go hard for a while. Like an end point. Yeah. I got to go hard for a while and take a break, and go hard for a while, take a break, which is funny because I'm not a sprinter. I was a distance runner. But even with that, that's how I ran distance. I ran long distance. And I would be— I'm like, oh, I'm going to take this hill. I'm going to go hard for 5 minutes. OK, then I'm— that's how my brain works. And so things that I— called failure were really just things I needed to figure out based on how I was wired. And so, I used to feel bad that I wasn't a person that got up at 5:12 every morning and had quiet time, you know, and coffee, and Bible, and colored pens, and all those things. I was like, "Gosh, I wanna be able to take a picture of my quiet time and put it on Instagram." But I'm like, it's just, it's a Cheerio under my leg, and there's a Lego over here, and I can't find my Bible, then pull up my phone. Just like, whatever. So, that has been freeing for me, even though I'm always working on it. I had to be okay knowing that, "Oh, I skipped these 2 days, but I'mma talk— I'mma have my time with the Lord this evening." Or, "This day's been crazy. I'mma sit in this car for 10 minutes before I go in this house, 'cause I just need to check in with the Lord." And he has given me a freedom to just show me, "Here's what that can look like. I just want you to be with me." me. I'm not honest. I don't have to see you every day at 5:10. Sorry, hold on, did y'all hear that? Okay. Yeah, so that was freeing for me because I just feel shame. I was in church too, people like, you know, every morning. I was like, knowing in my mind it's been, you know, I'm a night owl, and sometimes it's 1 in the morning when I'm about to lay down. I'm like, oh Lord, let me just have some time with you. And so being consistent, which is important, but again, learning what works for you. Like, where is there— what's healthy for you? So I say that because in Christian spaces, discipline is very important, but sometimes discipline becomes idolized over what really is true connection and intimacy. And so they telling you, you and your husband need a date night every week or every month, or you got to have intimacy physically this many times a month, or you got to do this with your kids twice a month, or you got to be with the When we start to get into that, then the discipline moves into, like, this unhealthy regimen, and you really miss what's fluid about intimacy. And that can be hard in Christian spaces, because we just prioritize, you know. I got 3 empty prayer journals in my house. They gorgeous, too. And I was like, every 2 or 3 years, I'm like, I'm gonna do a prayer journal, and just write out my prayers to the Lord. And I know the Lord be up there like, mm-hmm. Girl, just say the prayer. I'mma, you know, just say the prayer, you know. And every time I'm just like, why would I write this down? My gosh, let me just say it, Lord. And, and, and then I don't do it. And then I'm like, gosh, I had stickers and everything. Dang, this is going to be good. And they're just in there. And maybe one, maybe one year I will do it, but I don't want those things to be some gauge on how well I'm doing with the Lord. And so that has just come up in a lot of areas with kids, with marriage, everything. What I call consistency. And the Lord is like, "Hey, the goal is connection, and how we get there is going to be different than how somebody else gets there." So, just be free from that. If you skip a morning, the enemy is not going to take over your life. You're all right. The second thing would probably be learning how to apologize genuinely. I have to apologize a lot. And so—

It's going to get worse when you turn 50.

Oh, no, I ain't apologizing when I turn 50. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I have learned how to apologize. I, again, I like to be right, and I spent a lot of years whenever I got feedback or someone was offended by the way I said it or anything, I was defensive, or I gave that apology that I was like, "Well, I'm sorry that you took it that way." No, that's not an apology. And I have become much more comfortable It's authenticity. Once I know who I am and someone says, "Hey, you said that, that felt kind of rude." Girl, you right. Sometimes I just be rude. That was an accident. I'm so sorry. Then I don't have to try to argue with you about that. "Wait, maybe you sensitive. That's not— you took it that way," or, "Nobody else was offended." Like, who cares? God's like, in that moment, someone has just shared with you how your actions affected them. Be in the moment. It doesn't take away from who you are as a person. Just be in it. Because I'm trying to be at a place in my life where when people say something to me about me, I'm not surprised. That's my goal. I don't want anybody at this age in my life giving me feedback about who I am, and I'm like, what? You need to know yourself because everybody else already does. You need to know yourself. And if you know you slow, you know you're always late, you know you don't think fast, and somebody tells you you need to speed up, quit being offended. Just figure out how you can work through it. You talk too fast and talk too much, and you're always trying to run stuff, deal with it. Just figure out how can you work with it in the moment. So when I say apologize, and I'm not walking around saying sorry all the time, but I am aware of who I am, and when there's a rub with how somebody else is wired, and I can own that. And an authentic apology is the quickest way to move a relationship forward. And if you think you got to make the case about why you were right and they really were wrong, then, then it's not the season for you. Like, this is not a good relationship if you feel like you're always having to make a case. Let the Lord deal with that. Let the Lord deal with that. And so, apologizing, being okay with who I am, understanding that, and that consistency piece really kind of driving my intimacy have been two big things that I didn't do well for a long time.

Back in July, you said, "Before you build something, you must be willing to break something. Foundations are built on excavated land." What has that—

Who I say that?

July.

How you know? Did I tell you in July?

You don't know. You don't know what I know.

You don't know how I like to scoop, scoop. Investigate.

What has that breaking uprooting process looked like in your life? Why were you saying that?

July. Ooh, I was teaching on Josiah. They probably came out of studying the life of King Josiah, who was a young king, became king at the age of 8, I believe, and had to work through a lot of rubble of a destroyed temple in order to ultimately begin rebuilding. And his story, I think, spoke to a lot of seasons in my life where I thought, if I just added good information and good knowledge and good scripture and good behavior to my life, that that would produce the result I wanted. And I have learned that the Christian life is as much about subtraction as it is addition. And if you say, "I'mma still live my life and talk to people who I want to talk to, but also, I'mma study these scriptures on forgiveness and peace and all that," God is like, "You're never going to see the full fruit of that." because the foundation that it's built on is unhealthy. And so I've had to uproot thinking about myself, about other people, assumptions I make, because that creates the space for all the good things that we're always keeping a list. I need to be more kind, I need to be peaceful, I need to be loving, I need to be all these things. It is the addition mentality in the church, and we all do it. We go to church to figure out the stuff we need to start doing, and we don't spend enough time figuring out what we need to stop doing. And So the uprooting process has been really important for me. It's changed everything. And so I could say, I'm going to work on my spending. I'm going to put myself on a budget. OK, so I'm going to add this discipline. But I really haven't uprooted the thinking that makes me think I need these things in order to feel good. Like, I really need to go over here and start to dig up, why are you struggling? Because the budget only works as long as your finances match that. As soon as you get a raise, that budget gone. You still haven't dealt with— you got me. God may want to give you 10 times what you're making, but he's like, I don't know how you're going to spend it because you're only on a budget because that's all you got. You're not on a budget because you understand how to steward well. And so that uprooting of thinking is so much more work. No one's going to applaud you. They're not going to look at you and say, girl, I can tell you've been working on why you hold grudges. They're not going to know. They're not going to know. No one's going to yay you and applaud you. That is between you and the Lord. As you till the soil of your heart so that whatever he wants to put in there can actually bear fruit. And it is hard, unseen work that has to be done. And I have seen how many times I have tried to plant things and they get choked out by weeds or by bad soil. And God is like, "Girl, you're doing this wrong. If you would just work on the cleanup process, you would be surprised what you already know." that just hadn't been able to bear fruit because it is no good ground. So that's just work. That's all it is. It's not fun. It's just work, but it's necessary.

Yeah. Okay. I hope that conversation resonated with you. I know in real time it resonated with me, but here's the thing. If it resonates, if it marks you, but you leave this episode and don't do anything with it, it might not change you. And I want the content that I produce here to challenge you to change. So here are 3 questions that you can either answer in the comments below and/or you can share with friends. This is the Sister Circle podcast, right? Well, what that means is you can go get your sister circle, have them watch this episode, and then use one, two, or all three of these questions to chat about. Because if your friendships don't help grow you, come on, then are you really a friend? So here's question number one: are you holding back parts of your story out of shame? Come on, we talked about vulnerability. Are you holding back parts of your story because of shame? Question number two: how has God equipped you to show up for others in your life? And are you doing that? How has God equipped you to show up for others in your life? And because I believe in the power of 3, here's question number 3: What old ways of thinking do you need to let go of? All right, because if you're thinking in old ways, you can't do new and beautiful things. So answer me one of those in the comments. Get your girls together, have them watch this episode, take those 3 questions, and be intentional. About your sister circle.