Jennie Allen on Passion and Work (Part 6 of 7)

Passion and work, passion and work.

Well, it's so interesting you asked that question because we just did this little retreat and my sweet team, they don't let me get away with anything. I'm asking them really hard questions and they're like, "Aren't you gonna answer?" And I'm like, "Okay." So I had to write, I was making them write, we were just doing an exercise of self-reflection, how are you doing after this move and everything that they've done to transition here. And so we're doing all this, and one of the questions is, "How are you and God right now?" And I wrote to that question, I said, "I hate saying this, but I feel like when I sit down with you, you feel like work." And I don't want that to be true, and I'm avoiding even admitting it because I don't know what to do about it. I know better. I mean, it's not like I— I know better, but— and he's so dear and good, but when you write, when you think about God so much, as you know, and it becomes— it's really a luxury that can be our job, right? I mean, that I could say, sit around and think about God is the greatest gift in the world, but then you get fatigued, and then what do you do? You pull back from the things that represent work. And that's really tricky when that's God. And I haven't figured it out. So y'all can tell me that have been in this longer. I just, I feel like with this move, I use it as an excuse and I pulled back because of Connor's senior year and so I'm not working. So I've not worn out my Bible the last few months and it scared me. I'm thinking, okay, what, I don't wanna be a hypocrite. I don't want to, I don't want my soul to get numb and hard, and I know I'm not a good person without Him. So it's just, how do I— I don't know the answer right now.

I love the fact that you're being so honest about that.

Yeah.

Because I mean, somebody's watching and they're going to say, oh, well, first of all, then I'm normal.

Yeah. I was going to say I'm normal.

This is, you know, I mean, because people are going to do it, right? Jenny Allen, and you know, this is what she does and she struggles with this. Well then, okay, I'm not a terrible person, you know, if I'm struggling with it. I don't— I'm trying to think of what I would say is the answer because I just— I do think a slowing down and indulging in it in a different way, you know, so studying to produce is different than studying for intimacy. And I wouldn't even use the word studying. We're sisters, oh my gosh. But it's the words that the Bible uses so frequently. It's the abiding, it's the dwelling, but it's not for the producing. And I think that's the— that for me would be the disconnect because I'm looking in it for what I can get out in turn. And if I'm just hanging out in it, then it's a different reality for me. I don't know. What do you guys think? No, I think, yeah, no, you're an abider though. Like, your natural bent is towards being, being.

Yep. But it's still hard. I mean, even like, you know, like I've cut out just Bible studies this year. Like, I've just cut that because, right, I was a BS effort in leadership and that was evicted. But I just— and it sounds bad again, kind of like, well, I'm not doing Bible study this year. But I just, I needed to not have to do it. I needed to just be. My quiet time, my, like, just with God, just because I got so much other stuff that I am having to produce and do that I needed my quiet time to not be another thing to do. Like, it just needed to, to be.

Yeah, I, I think, I, I think it's a lovely place that you're in.

I do too.

I think it's great. And I think that, um, I think God is like inviting you to just rest. And if that means putting down your Bible in the way that you've used it before, because honestly what you have described is exactly where I am right now. And I've just found another way. And it doesn't mean I don't read my Bible, I do. But I'm saying it's just in a very— just sometimes it's a walk and it's just nature.

I was gonna say your walks.

Those walks. Yeah. And just you know, having a word. That word is thank you or rest or whatever that just allows you to just thank the Lord for that thing in your life. And you just start walking and talking with him and seeing what comes to you and writing those things down. And a verse, one verse for the whole week that you just sort of rehearse in your mind while you're driving and ask the Lord to apply that to something in your life on a Tuesday. You know, Lord, how does this matter for my Wednesday decision? Just take that verse all week long and just mull over it and ponder it and just— like, I think the enemy would want you to feel guilty. I do. Instead of just— we all do when we're not doing the thing like we're supposed to do the thing. But I think there's so much joy that we're missing out on because we won't just—

Well, I love that you brought me here after writing that. I think it was yesterday afternoon we did that exercise. And another question I asked was, are you happy?. And I wrote, "I am, and I wonder, I feel guilty about it because I wonder if it's for the wrong reasons." And yet, I'm watching God like care for us. I was telling y'all before we got on camera, I'm watching him like just lay out every detail of our lives in this transition. And so, do I think he's sitting up there like, "I want you to be miserable because you're not having your, you know, hour with me." You know, I don't think that. I know better.

But I do feel feel like I need—

I needed that affirmed. I'm glad I was just honest about it because I think this is actually a sweet time with God in a way. Yeah, because I'm watching him care for my kids. I'm watching him bring them everything they need. I'm watching him care for, for my incredible team that's moved and uprooted their lives.

Ridiculously great, by the way.

It's amazing.

That says so much.

Yeah.

So I feel like when we finally go, oh my gosh, I'm just gonna rest, whatever that means— I'm not going to do this study like He's like, "Good, thank you." I feel like God's like, "Oh, finally." Maybe now these girls listen.

He's not after our studies. He's after us.

As if we're making a real big dent in the whole big— Heavenly. Yes, yes. Without us, what would He do?

But it is a hard wrestling internally. Oh my gosh, I'm not doing this. What does it look like?

I don't want to be a hypocrite.

But how are we with our kids? I'm like, I just I love when they're thriving, and they don't have to be sitting there thriving in my presence. Like, if they're thriving, it's a good thing. But we do need God, and I do feel like— yes, I do feel like there has been a constant— even walking in here, like, I'm getting closer. I'm like, gosh, God, I'm kind of empty. Like, I, you know, I'm telling him about what I hope for this, and so it's not like I'm not talking to him, or yeah, or it's still a relationship. I think that it's just Yeah, maybe it doesn't look like it has, but it's just different.

It's just different.

I have not had a really good, strong, strong, like Bible study, deep word study kind of moment for a while.

Which means she ain't done nothing that I've been writing.

I mean, I want to know.

Yeah. So my kids though, we slowly start school, you know, we homeschool. So one of the things that we were doing is it was one verse.— and I was like, we're just— and it's a verse they kind of know. So I was like, you know, and my son came home all fired up from being at camp, trying to figure out where is he going to plug in for youth. And I mean, just, he just flipped, kind of like what you were saying. It's just something happened. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to teach him just how to do like word studies, like real basic, just look them up in the dictionary, right? So all the kids, all the kids do it. So Joel at 8, it's like, you know, all scripture is God-breathed. So I was like, well, look up the word breathe. And so I have Joel trying to find it in the dictionary with Trey saying, I know what it means. I said, yes, but let's find out what it means and then look up what those words mean and see what God says, like see what he says to you. So I'm all fired up because I'm like, do you know what it means that God breathed into the word? I mean, what does it mean? It means you get, it gives life. It influences the way your mind thinks and the way your heart beats and what you do. And I mean, just, I'm there just looking at me like this. But I was thinking this morning with my son, I was thinking, this is what God wants me to do for me. That it's not for the Bible study. It's because I take this one verse and get excited about this one word and realize what that, what that means.

So I bet, I bet it's getting in there too, even though it's getting in there. I'm the crazy one right now, right?

I'm the crazy one. We're all crazy mamas. We're all crazy. All the crazy moms. Okay, on a closing note, just to say something fun, we're all crazy mamas because I'm sure our kids think that there's something about us that it's like, you know, my mom. What would your kids say to their friends about you as they roll their eyes? Maybe, oh gosh, you know, my mom. What would they say?

Are you asking all of us?

Yes, everybody. Oh shucks.

My mom is always talking really loud. Or this is what we would have said of Dad too growing up. They're a little annoyed, like if we're just at the mall or we're at dinner or we're at Six Flags and somebody comes over and knows not just me but them. Yeah, they're kind of like, yeah, who are you and why are you talking to us right now?

You know what I mean?

Yeah. So I have to just remind them we're in ministries. 'Family, let's not look at people crazy.' Yeah.

Smile.

So I think they would say that. How are y'all crazy moms?

Cray cray?

Um, my girls, especially the oldest, would probably— they roll their eyes and they probably would say, 'My mom thinks she's cool.' Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

That is so funny.

What about you?

Uh, mine— well, mine's pretty fresh. A lot's happened today. I'm just pulling from the day. My daughter Kate just did it with— we just got in a squabble today because she was gonna come with me here, but she made other plans, but we had already made plans, so she just voiced this to one of the girls that works with me that she was gonna go with, and it was, "My mom just always wants time with us," and I'm like, "Ahh!" And of course, the girl that works with me that is thankfully in her ear, said, and that is not a bad thing. Like, you are not going to fault your mother because I got mad at her. I was like, I was looking forward to that drive. And she was like, Mom, I'm just gonna sit there and watch y'all talk. And I was like, well, yeah, on the way there, on the way home, we were gonna have bonding time. So anyway, yeah, we just— I like people. I like my people. I want them there. I want them home.

So godly. My kids would say I'm crazy because Uh, I will get them up if it's 1 AM and they were supposed to do the dishes and they didn't finish them or do them right. Yeah. Wake up. Yes.

I will never forget visiting with Jonathan. We were in college and had went to his home.

In college.

In college. Went to his house in New Jersey. And I had my own apartment in college and his father came downstairs in the living room where I was sleeping, turned on all the lights and woke all the kids up and said, pick up the house.

And I was like, I'm gonna go home.

Yep.

We were like, I am not.

Yeah, I'm a little bit.

Did you go home?

No, it was like we were in Philly, Jersey, but it was just funny. I was like, I like have my own apartment.

I remember this. My mom was crazy because she would do that, wake us up, whatever.

We couldn't do anything on Saturdays until we had cleaned the whole house.

Oh, and don't be our friend and spend the night because you had to clean up. Because then you have to clean up. So y'all don't come over.

That is—

No.

I need to be more crazy. I got to pull out some of this crazy.

Black woman on you.

Cause you're like, well, Chrystal Hurst, at 1 AM you are getting up.

Oh yes. Oh no, your room does not belong to you. No, it does not. It belongs to me.

I'm letting you use it.

I think Charis even slept downstairs for a week. I was like, oh, you lost your right to have a room. Oh, I'm so glad. She packed a suitcase. I just had to live in the living room. It's like, you can use my couch.

Now I have been known to put my children in boot camp, which means they cannot leave their bed. They eat in their bed and they have nothing in their bed except for books. I have done that to them. I have put them in for like hours. Well, more.

Do they go get the food?

No, they cannot get out of bed. You just bring whatever they need. They are in boot camp.

Which is so funny because that boot camp actually sounds like something I would put my children through.

I know.

I would love that.

I don't want to get out of bed.

I will say eventually they are saying what I need them to say and their hearts are—

It's torture for a little boy.

Yes, for a little boy especially. It was for my oldest son. We did a few of those.

Yeah. You know what?

I need that.

Yeah. So wait, how long do they stay in there?

You know, they get to go to the bathroom. It's not, I don't think CBS would buy it.

I know you're not gonna tell us how long.

Oh yeah.

I mean, no more than 24 hours.

But I'll go all day.

Oh yeah.

Can their siblings, can talk to them and everything?

They just, they just can't leave. This one kid, that was torture. That was torture. And it was when things got really bad, but it would be a reset. It would be like, you are going to be here.

Yes.

Until you can get a together, someone that we want to live around, right?

Yeah.

That can interact with this family. And, and it worked.

And he can keep kids outside, but they can't stay for 24 hours.

Like, they can if you put them in a tent.

That's good.

On that note. Yeah.