Made to Be Marvelous

Okay, so here's why we're doing this podcast today. Okay, we are here because I've talked separately to Winter Pitts, who's my cousin, and then to Shantara McBride, uh, who is my good friend. We've known each other for 20 years. Girl, are we old?

No.

Yeah, no, we're not, Mikey.

No, I was thinking about that this morning.

I was like, I was gonna, I was gonna say when I was talking about the show that I'm talking to my friends over 40, and then I was like, you're not over 40. Nope. You're getting close though.

But I have 4 kids. I mean, it just, age is so irrelevant. Yeah, it just doesn't matter.

Yeah, no, right. Okay, so Winter has 4 girls, count them, 1, 2, 3, 4. And then Shanterra, while she does not have any children, she's single and living the single life. No, I'm not jealous. She has a heart for girls. You want to teach them to teach their girls on an ongoing basis how to continue holding on to that. Right.

I'm just with them for—

but here's why you need to talk to the moms. Yeah. Why do you need to talk to the moms?

Because I'm just with them for the day.

But why do you need to— why don't the moms already know?

Because that's not how we do.

That's not how we do. And I think sometimes that's not what we know.

I was going to say, I think—

I think that we struggle with it for ourselves.

Honest.

Like I've learned more about what I was lacking by raising the girls.

Wow. Oh, wow.

Like, it has shown me, because I know who I want them to be and what I want them to have, and I know it, but they are— they get it from me.

Yeah.

And so as I was like knowing it, it was kind of like, well, wait a minute, that's not actually what I'm modeling. Like, that's not what I'm doing, right? And not that it was, you know, not bad, but it's true. So I think a lot of moms sometimes miss— at least I can, as just as mom of girls, like, I put so much effort into pouring and making sure they have what they need. But really, like, in the end, what they're going to do is, is model what I, what I have, they're going to copy it.

So I think this concept, while yes, we want to do special things to focus on girls of varying ages, because what girls need between 11 and 13, and as teenagers and as 5-year-olds, it's different, it changes. But I think that you can only give what you either, what you both understand. And like you said, what you model.

Yeah.

And so I just wanted to talk a little bit kind of in the context of what you're, what the you know, the concepts that you want to share with the girls, the concepts that you have learned that you need to share with your girls, but that we need to understand first. Because I think that we can walk around and do a lot of things and talk a good game about our purpose and our design and this, but what does it really mean? And I guess that's the first question I want to ask both of you. What does it really mean to have a marvelous mentality about yourself?

So for me, when I— and And it's a daily, a daily reminder. It's so daily that there's actually a Post-it on my mirror in my bathroom that says, "I am marvelous," because I have to remind myself every day that I was made to be marvelous. And when I found— I mean, I grew up knowing you're fearfully, wonderfully made and all that kind of stuff, but I didn't quite understand it. So when I started studying it and really found a translation that said, "Your works are marvelous," or it said, "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex," Because we are complex every day.

But when it said, so what, complex?

So wonderfully complex.

So I just think we need to camp out there for just a second, please, because I think a lot of times we are knocked for being complex, like it's a bad thing.

Yes, I used to apologize. Oh my gosh, I used to apologize because I was so sensitive or I was moody, and I'm still moody.

And I hear you're still sensitive.

And I'm so sensitive.

She cries all the time. I'm dropping the hat.

I do. But it's You know, it's a good thing. But I used to feel bad for being complex. I used to feel like I had to change and conform. And I think that's what a lot of girls go through. And so instead of understanding, no, no, no, this is wonderful. All this complexity and, you know, and I'm not the same every single day, you know, and just, I think it's wonderful. So when girls understand that, and then when it goes on to say, your workmanship is marvelous. That made me, that affected my mindset. And I think every day I need to remind myself, this workmanship is marvelous.

And workmanship meaning not worked and done, workmanship in progress all day. And it's okay to be in progress. I mean, I think that for me, I've learned, you know, I think this, this is part of the beauty of being over 40, or apparently if you have 4 girls, because it's the same. Um, you really learn who you are, and you learn how to communicate over time. And I think different people arrive here at different time. But you, if you will choose to believe that you are marvelous, so when you run into stuff that don't feel marvelous, you just, you, you just look at that as an opportunity to get to know the complexity of you. So if I am having a bad day and I can't even identify why, instead of going, oh, you know, I suck because I'm just a negative person. Yeah. Okay, well, what, what is it about me that I need to understand? Yeah. So I've learned to communicate to people and to say, like, T and I, Talisha and I are mutual friends. You know, she'll just call me like, what's going on? I'll be like, I just don't want to talk.

Why?

Oh, I'll be all right in a couple of days. Because I know that about myself. Yeah, but I need downtime.

And those are good friends.

Yes.

Yes. Serious. Because they'll be like, okay, okay.

And they're not personal, right?

And then to just send you a little like, just checking on you. Yeah, but it's okay.

Right.

It's just okay.

Just making sure you actually got up out of the bed.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Sometimes.

Yeah. So I've learned that and learned that if I don't have it all figured out, that it's a part of my process of learning about me.

Yeah.

And if we're getting that at this age, that means I was really confused when I was 12. Hello.

And that is why I started with 11 to 13-year-old girls, which is why I'm watching now because I have a 12-year-old.

And she's having fun yet.

Yeah, I am actually having fun. It is a good age because she might watch this.

Right.

No, it is a good age. It is a great age.

But I think when y'all were saying being confused, In general, she's just confused. 12, you just, you just are confused. So not even trying to understand anything, you're just confused when you wake up. You're just confused all day.

When they say I don't know, they don't.

It's a real answer.

And, and I know in my field, I know two Amy's of mine are watching, but, and I'm saying this with love, that answer of I don't know irritates adults because we immediately, yes you do, or something's wrong if you don't know.

What do you mean? What do you mean you don't know?

It irritates my wonderful husband.

Yeah, well, that's different. He's a man.

But even from coming from a 12-year-old, he's just like, what is wrong with her? And I just like, babe, she really doesn't get it.

And that's puberty. I mean, and I think when you're going through that stage and when you're going through that phase, and the beautiful thing I love about adolescence is that they're going through it. It is not a place where they stay.

It's not an end. They're not going to stay.

Right. And so if girls can understand the wonderful complexity of being this age instead of this disorder. If you ask girls, what do you love about being a girl? Most of the time they will start with, uh, you know, and it's all this negative stuff. And I think that comes from adult women who don't spend a lot of time embracing what it means to be a woman. And I love—

okay, so you just said a whole lot of stuff.

Go ahead. Well, or even I think because from having the girls, I think it comes from us constantly. We're making her be happy. We have to make her Yeah, be in a better mood.

Yeah.

Or make her— instead of which I'm working on and learning how to work through that is because it's okay. Like, now I teach them, I'm like, your feelings are real. You can really be sad. You can really not know. You can really—

however, they can't control your actions and how you interact because that would mean that you get married and then every time you are having an emotionally bad day, everybody in the house pays, which I don't know anything about. I don't know anything about that.

And I really don't. They, they—

you're like, I'm not with them. I mean, I'm just—

I'm not with her. I'm not with her.

But so going back to the like, we don't model it for ourselves. I also think we don't create environments that they feel safe enough to have it themselves either.

Yeah.

So like creating that environment that it's okay if you just want to lay across your bed right now and be by yourself.

But let me teach you how to handle that.

Yes.

Like, what is an adult way to handle that?

And I also wanted to say, and even just the whole like being marvelous, but actually you're marvelous in the things you're— what you're doing and who you are. But they also do have to focus on who created you. You know what I mean? Like, so drawing them back to like, yes, being you, you are confident. Complex for a reason.

Yeah.

And this is the reason. It's not just so that you can be complex and be full of drama and be whatever, but how you like encourage them to have those things but also have those things in relation to who created them and why they have those things. Yeah. So that's been the—

you know what I think too? I mean, this is, this is about girls, but I mean, I'm, you know, boys.

Yeah. I have no idea what those are like. What are those? What, who do you, what do you have?

So I have two older girls, so I, I know about the girl thing. I've been through that.

And I remember you saying, just say you Just say you're sorry.

Oh my gosh, can I just say that real quick?

I use— I tell people that all the time.

Girl, okay, so this older lady met me in an elevator one time. We were in the elevator together. This older white lady, she had to have been like in her mid-70s, and she's just like, how are you today? And I was like, I'm fine, I'm fine. And we just talked. She's making conversation, and then she asked me about my children, and I told her the ages of my children. At the time, my oldest daughter was about 13, and she said, well, can I give you a piece of advice? And I was like, sure. She was like—

this random lady?

Random, random. She was like, just feel sorry for her. And I was like, excuse me? She was like, whatever it is, just feel sorry for her. She said, because would you want to go back and repeat that? And I was like, no. And she said, so don't take it personal. Don't react to it. Don't internalize it because it's really not about you. This is about her emotions raging out of control and her trying to figure out what the heck is going on. So just create a safe distance and just say— and even if you're like in a mode where you're having to punish or discipline, to say, because maybe she was out of control and she didn't handle it properly, just to look at her, put your hand on her shoulder, and just say, you know what, I, I know that you're having a really hard time, but I'm sorry, that behavior is not appropriate. And as much as I hate to do this, you know, you're on punishment. I'm really sorry, but bam.

Yep.

And then, you know, drop the mic and walk away. That's it.

That's it.

And that— but here's the thing, here's the thing, that is not just for my girls. That's been a parenting thing But it's also been a thing for me that if I can't figure out what's going on with me, I'll look at my husband and I look at him and say, I know it's a bad day. I know I'm going crazy.

I'm sorry.

I can't really explain to you what's happening right now. All I know is I need A, B, and C. Yes. And I'll try to explain it to you later. You just apologize your way through life. That's basically what I'm saying.

I need to work on that.

With sincerity, because it's also not— because we don't want to teach girls, you know, to to give excuses. There are consequences to your act, you know, so you don't get to just run the house with a stank attitude and then we don't get to sit you down and talk about it. But I think it's also teaching them how to understand what's going on. So for a lot of girls, I will say, you know what, start journaling, start writing it down, even if it doesn't make sense, just write down what you're feeling.

Because I read my journal from when I was 12 years old, honey, 1984. I just pulled it out the other day. You are crazy.

You were 12 in '84?

Listen, let us focus on the issue at hand. You know what?

I'm so sorry. I love you.

But when I read my journal, yeah. Oh yeah, I was crazy.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah. When you read it, you're just like—

You actually encourage Alina and you—

Does she do it?

She does. And you know what? It's so funny because she won't— if I say to her like, have you been writing in your journal or whatever? Nothing. Like, she, you know, just because it's very private. Not that I want to read it, right? Just—

no, she doesn't want to admit to you, right?

But then I caught her like at bedtime in her closet, like with the light.

Like, I have a journal from my 6th grade year. One, it is one of my sweetest and most treasured possessions. But two, I'm scared to read. I was crazy. Yes, I was crazy. There is the lit— your thoughts are not linear. Your emotions aren't based on anything in reality. How you the world, the actions of your parents. I mean, all that. And I think, I really think, you know, there's a modicum of that every month as well. You know what I'm saying? I mean, just today.

And that's fair to say.

I'm just saying. So when you hit that time, your perception of reality is just a little altered.

Yeah.

But it, but I think we just have to know, again, it goes back to knowing that that's a part of my complexity, that I have physiological, hormonal, cycles, both of, you know, physical nature and then just life season, how you are when you are sleep deprived. I mean, you have a set of twins, you know, when you're sleep deprived, your perception of reality is just—

you don't even remember it. No, there are things about that time that literally I'm just like, did that happen?

I don't remember it. Somebody has to show me a picture or— okay, so this can apply to you. Have you ever been in a season where you're drunk in love? When you get some distance from that season and you look back, you're like, I was crazy.

Stupid. I won't even use the word crazy.

Yes. Just dumb. Just dumb.

Just dumb. But then maturity shows up.

Kicks in.

And then you handle it much, much differently. Yes.

And you know that based on what you know and what you know about you at your current age would change who you would choose. Because who— because now it's not just that you've matured, You also know more about you. You know more about what you need. And one of the things I heard Bishop Jake say— and I'm gonna shut up and start asking y'all questions again— I heard him say one time—

No, we actually like hearing you.

We're just like, whatever. He was officiating Kirk and Tammy's 10-year anniversary thing. And he was talking about God and how even in a marriage situation, God puts people together. And the reason why you want God to be involved in who you choose is because God is the only one who knows which locks you need your key to fit into, that it will fit into now, and it will still fit 10 years from now.

It's so funny because, you know, Jonathan and I got married at 23.

We were young.

Yep. And when you were just saying that, like, you would have chosen somebody different because you don't even know who you're going to be.

Because y'all have both changed.

Yes, we have changed. And so that's— that is just the way it's kind of like, thank you, Lord, like, for doing that. Yes.

And you have moments in marriage where you wonder, Does this Keith it? No, I'm just joking. I mean, you do. I mean, come on. You do.

You do. Someone told me that yesterday. And she's like, oh, it makes me wonder. I said, no, it doesn't. Like, you're good. I mean, you know, you just have those moments.

But I'll never forget Beth Moore said, I'm so glad I stayed married to Keith, because God saved me divorcing him 4 times and remarrying.

Wow.

Just having those moments.

Through those different seasons.

Yeah, through those where you're just like, oh my gosh, this was a mistake. And then you keep with it. And you're like, oh no, it wasn't.

Yeah.

You know, and it's because of that keep it that way. Yes. Okay. So what do you think if you had— we'll just kind of go around robin. What do you think women need to understand about what it takes to— I mean, give me, give me practical application. How do you really understand what marvelous means about you? Like, how do you get to know you? How do you choose to cheerlead your marvelous when you don't feel you're marvelous? How do you, how do you do that? Because what do you tell girls when they're 11 through 13 and they don't get it? What do you tell your girls? What do you tell yourself when you're like, okay, I'm ugly, I'm fat, everybody else, I'm comparing myself, they have a house, I don't, you know, man, my car's broke down again, fine. What do you do to cheerlead your life and your circumstances when it doesn't look like it?

I'm going to answer first because I'm not very, I don't have a practice practical thing. It takes me a little longer, and I feel like you're gonna have some practical stuff. Okay, so my— I gotta get mine out because it's all I got. Um, I think— and, and there are— I know that there are practical things you have to do, but the overall, like, I think that the only way to fight a lie is with truth. So even if—

come on, somebody! Yeah, even—

yes, even if you don't— I know, I'm like, what do I tell her? I mean, but I think it's— you said it— putting a sticky note up, whatever it is, that you're fighting. And sometimes you don't even have to believe it, but you have to know it.

Yeah.

And then you just tell yourself, you just practice. And this is funny because I remember nursing the twins— not nursing, going through that Babywise thing with the twins.

And Cindy—

What's Babywise?

Because somebody's gonna go, what's Babywise?

Oh, well, it's a little controversial, but that whole like scheduling your kids asleep, and I needed some normalcy in my life with the twins. But doing the process was stressing me out completely because they were not following The book wouldn't work.

It was not working.

It just wasn't. And I remember emailing because you had put me into— yes, Cindy Bird. Cindy Bird. And I emailed her, and at one point she emailed me back and just said, you know, the whole point is not supposed to stress you out, it's supposed to help, but just keep doing it as if it's working. She just said, even if it's not working right now.

Yes.

And I used that, and we did. We just kept— they weren't sleeping, they would wake up, they were doing whatever, but I just kept following the schedule as if they were doing it, and eventually they started doing it. And I think we need to do the same thing, like speaking God's word into our lives, truth into who we are, what he really says about us, regardless of what we feel or whether we believe it or not.

Yes.

But continue to tell ourselves those things with sticky notes, with, um, songs, with whatever speaks to you. And then you keep doing it as if it is what you believe.

Well, that's the practical part. I mean, that's, that's why I put up the sticky note, because that is the truth. Yeah. And so if I bombard myself every single day, I can't go into my bathroom without seeing that truth. People who come over to my apartment, they too see the truth because I don't take them down and, you know, and just try to rearrange stuff. You don't try to make yourself perfect?

Absolutely not.

I leave it up so you see all of my stuff that I am praying through and working through, and it's all there for everyone to see because I need to remind myself every day. So when I'm working with girls or coaching girls and I'm telling them put sticky notes on your mirror, I show them a picture of my bathroom because I have to remind myself every day.

So good to see that from an adult.

Like, yes, I need them to know this is not— A, I have not arrived anywhere, um, ever, right? And I'm always late. So there's no—

right?

And then the other thing is This is a daily practice. Yeah, this is a daily practice. So when it comes to putting up a sticky note, writing in my journal, I write in my journal, and I try— I'm getting much better going through the preparing for the summit. But I write in my journal every night, because I also need to write, write down what I went through the day. And then it reminds me of the praises that I saw through the day, because I can write in my journal, my 11 and 12 year old self was just life was so unfair. My parents—

well, you focus on the negative. Yeah, you're in your journal as an overflow of what's wrong. Yes, in your life.

Yes. But now maturity comes in.

Yep.

You start writing out, oh, oh, this happened today, or I spoke to this person today, this person called, or you know now to look for the good.

Yes.

If it's not rising up, you know, now I have to look for the good.

Yes.

So you teach— we have to teach that to girls. But again, I think we model it as women. And so when I'm talking to girls about Putting up a sticky note, writing in your journal. Who are you hanging out with? Are all your friends negative? Look at who's pouring into your life. Look at what you're watching, what you're listening to. All of that comes into making practical steps of reminding yourself you were born to be marvelous. And that's the truth.

So what I'm hearing is, first of all, refute lies with truth. Yeah. And then keep the truth in front of you.

Yes.

By literally physically putting the truth in front of you, but also keeping it in front of you by rehearsing it so that you're doing it.

And I think what I like that I heard what you said too was being real though, like being honest about what really, what you're really feeling. Because just because you, you know, I think a lot of times I was going to say, I think a lot of times you feel like, you know, you say the Bible verse and so then it's supposed to just, you're not supposed to have the other stuff anymore.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

But I think like I said it.

Yeah.

Like, I got the sticky note out. Love you, Jesus.

But I think like having a sticky note up, but acknowledging the reason you have the sticky note up.

Yes.

And still have it up is because you still need it.

You know what I mean?

It's just being real.

And I hope I never get to the point where I don't think I need it. Because that's where your arrogance comes in. That's where you get so conceited. And because that's not confidence. When you think you no longer need to pour the truth into you, that's when you start trying to do stuff on your own. And you will crumble. Yeah, like you will cry. And then the people around— because you are so puffed up that you also show you lack humility. And I don't want girls to ever get to a place where they're not being able to honor who made them so wonderfully.

The truth has to be based in something that's real. Yeah, it's not based in a quote a day. It's not based in what I tell myself. It's not based in, you know, I mean, and positive thinking is important, but that's not the foundation. The foundation of it is I'm created, somebody made me on purpose. So everything about me, even the stuff I'm trying to figure out, is worth something. You know, the other thing was acting as if. So refuting the truth with the lies, with truth, rehearsing the truth so that it gets into your head, and then acting as if it's true. Because I think that, like, for example, I think all of us have had a moment where you're having a bad day and And after a while, you just kind of think to yourself, I have to get up. But it's not until you get up, take a shower, put on real clothes, not pajamas, brush your teeth, that you actually feel like getting up. The decision— you know what I'm saying? The decision is what actually affects your feelings. So it's not just the truth, it's acting on like what you believe is true until your feelings catch up with you.

Yes.

And I think that like one of the things someone told me a long time ago is I was talking about shopping and just not wanting to go to the store and buy clothes and, you know, just not trying to have a range of 12 to 16 in my closet, 10 to 16 really, if I tell the truth. She said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because if you wait until you lose weight to dress as if you're being on purpose, it's gonna affect the way you think. Like if you, if you, if you need clothes, go get clothes and act like what's inside is worth dressing. Because what you're saying by not dressing well because you're a certain size is what's in here isn't worth it. Now you might not be the size you want to be and all that, but don't allow what you're working on to stop your choice of choosing what you will believe. Yeah, and I think we don't— I know for me, I do that a lot in different areas of my life because I'm trying to wait until— yes, when I get to this point or when my life looks like this, then I'll feel like I'm marvelous. Yeah. And sometimes you got to walk like you're marvelous while you're waiting on the marvelous. Yes.

Yeah.

And people will, people call that faking it till you make it.

Faking it till you making it.

But it's also, there's truth in that because if I continue to remind myself and I'm reminding myself of the truth, then eventually that will win.

Your feelings will catch up and your feet will follow.

Yeah.

But you know, you just kind of, it's just, I don't know.

It's hard.

I mean, it's making what 'Cause I think about it, like we're talking about weight and clothes and just stuff, you know, getting up out of the bed 'cause we have, you know, just exhausted and sat.

Don't want to.

But then I think about it from the perspective of like a 12-year-old. I think it's making choices intentionally based on those truths. So would you, if this is who God says you are, is that how you would respond to this situation? You know, like, is that what you do in this friendship? Is that who you would choose, what you would choose to watch right now? Is that what a girl that is marvelous, that is who God says it is, is this the choice that she would make? And I think a lot of times, at least for me growing up, there was just the separation, you know, like, this is what God said I want to do, but this is what I did.

But he don't understand this.

Right. But that is such so great because that's training. And see, that's the thing. I think we want our kids and even for ourselves. Okay. We want it. My brain just went away.

I know, I know.

I saw it.

I saw it. I saw it.

My brain just—

I saw it.

Okay. Even for our kids, we want them to behave. So we go after behaviors without taking a moment to address the root. And yes, arriving at the correct behavior, but not without skipping the root. You got to deal with the root first, because the goal is for the kids to understand the necessary transformation in the roots. Because if they can get that, if they can arrive at the next situation and say, okay, yeah, I've been learning this, this Oh wait, is this behavior something that would make God happy? Oh no, well then I've got to figure out another way as opposed to I need to get it together because my mom said so.

Right.

I mean, there is room for that as well. Yes. I'm just— because that is true. That is true. Your mama said you need to get it together right now, women. But here's why I was saying my brain went on a Chrystalism because that is a word, y'all, that I had made up for me.

It is a real thing.

That I made up for me because we do that. You're on the phone, your kids are driving you crazy. Get it together right now because I'm on the phone.

Hello?

Because we're after a behavior compliance.

We want just do what I say, right?

Even me, do what I say in this moment and not connecting. Okay, what is going on with me? Is it okay for me to be in this place with my family? And if it's not, what's the root? What's the root? Because I don't want to have two different things going on that are inconsistent with what I believe or who I'm saying, what I'm saying my character is like.

Because listen, if we, if we continue to do that and we do that, you know, with young people, and then when they leave our home, they gonna go crazy. They go recall that because, you know, they so frustrated.

So lost. Right.

That's the impression they had, and then it's a whole nother situation.

Yep.

So yeah, the root is important.

Okay, lie with truth. Rehearse the truth, act as if it's true. What else y'all got? Anything else? Yeah.

I mean, I don't— the other practical thing—

you're shaking your head like no, no, no.

But the other practical thing I've started doing, and that is the accountability of other people.

Yes.

And really being—

I mean, having people in my life who I can be completely transparent with and tell them I don't know what's happening or I don't know. And people to remind me of my purpose or remind me of what I said.

Or call you out.

Or clown me.

Clown me.

Or just tell me straight up. Or you've been in that spot for so long, get it together.

Yes. Yeah.

It's time to come out of that spot.

You've had your time.

I need you to take a shower.

Or who get in the fight with you. So it's not just a phone call to say, get up. It's, girl, I'm coming over.

Girl, I'm coming over.

Get dressed.

Because I have to say, Priscilla, I know she's in India right now, but that is her. Because she has just been at my door.

Just— why have you been pulled in?

Uh, there have been times that I'm just in and kind of like, that's why you're not answering my calls normally. And it— and that's, you know, but after a couple of days—

answer.

Wow.

This is— and it goes on and on, and you're like, are you there? Are you okay?

Then they start calling my husband.

Yes.

So you're just looking at your phone like, uh, okay.

No, not quite looking at her phone now because she don't have them. That's right.

You know what?

What just happened? No, I know, I know. I was like, I didn't say it.

I was just going to say that I appreciate Priscilla as that person for me that will just show up at the door. Like, and even though, you know, you're like, oh, now that I can't believe that she's on my door.

Oh, now that I know.

And now that I— then we're right here too, you just show up. But anyway, though, it's important because I do think that it is, it is important. And sometimes you do need— because you can feel bad but feel good in your bad.

But think about this, a lot of times younger girls, the 11 to 13, they don't have 14 to 17, they are not talking to their friends about what's going on. And so you really think at that age that you're the only one feeling this way because we don't say that way at this age.

What you talking about?

But we don't say it. But I think as adult women, we all feel like we at least, at least will talk about it a little bit more. But when you're in that age of adolescence and you're developing, you really don't understand that the girl sitting next to you in class is feeling the exact same way, or yesterday was her day to feel that way. Because they don't know, they don't get permission to talk about it with their friends.

Does Lena talk to her friends? Like, do you think at that level?

No, but yeah, right now she— I don't, I don't think so. Not about the real stuff, which is why I'm grateful for friends that— not friends, but friends that are older than her, like young people at church, her leaders, like she's on the worship, that people like that, because I do feel like she would be real with them. Yeah. But with her friends, and you know, Lena is a little wise too, so she probably looking at her friends like, you don't know, right?

You know what I mean? Y'all just going through something, but y'all look beautiful. But you know what I think the important thing here is we all need friends. We all need people who know us well enough to call us on the carpet, to encourage us. And I think sometimes, because I hear this all the time, people will say, well, I don't have anybody like that in my life. And maybe they don't. But I really think when you understand the idea that you're not supposed to walk on this journey alone, that we all need a sister circle of some kind, and that if you don't have one, you go make one. So maybe because you don't have it, everybody else around you, maybe in your sphere of influence, doesn't really have it either. So you be the person who invites people over to your house or says, hey, let's go to dinner, or you be the person that says, hey, let's do a Bible study together, or, you know, you be the one. But I think to say, well, I don't have one, and so, so sorry goes my life.

Yeah, no, no, no, that's not how it works. Because if that— if that vulnerability with another friend, especially a peer, especially a woman— I love, again, I love being a woman, I love being a girl, and then having that relationship with other women and girls that I can talk about, you know, stuff with, and that understanding that I love how women and girls can have conversations just with our eyes. We don't have to open our mouth. So your friend could be across the room and have a whole conversation. And girls get that. So when you're—

Monique has that down.

Yes, you're just doing that with us. Yeah, thank you. But it's a beautiful thing that I don't think we celebrate. And so as we're teaching girls to find that circle for themselves, um, as an adult woman, having that circle and just several circles— it doesn't have to be just one group of people, but someone that you can be vulnerable with. But a lot of times as women, we don't want people to see our stuff. We don't want people to, um, yeah, to know what's going on. And then we're pouring that into young people.

And so they're becoming just like us, which I think going back to kids, there's a measure of vulnerability that we should have with our kids. They don't need to know everything, but they need to know some things. And they need to know when you're hurt. They need to know when you're angry. They need to know when you're concerned. And then they need to know— I mean, I tell each of my kids now, I mean, the girls particularly. I'm seeing how— I'm gonna see how it works on the boys, but I'll tell them when they turn about 11, I start seeing the change happen because I'm seeing it happen with Kanan. Sweet little Kanan, he's a daddy's little boy.

Kanan has been 5 forever, right? It just—

so I just told him, I said, here's what you need to know. You are going to reach a day where you're going to think in your mind, I don't like my mom. And every kid so far has said No, I'm not.

That's not going to happen.

I've already passed. I got to start with the twins.

And only one of them. I said, look, so here's what I need you to know. When that day happens, I need you to remember my mother told me so. And remember that if my mother knew that, she probably knows other stuff too.

Girl, that's good.

That's good, Chrystal Hurst.

Because you're going to think I don't know what I'm talking about.

What I told you will be true many times before this is over. But I told you.

But I'm telling you, if you would just trust me. And I look at my kids all the time and I say, look, if you will just trust me, I am not doing all of this for my health. I'm not paying for stuff and driving you places and staying up late and helping you with projects because I've done this already. I went to school, I did all this. It's because I love you. So when I tell you something, I need you to believe me, right? So in those moments where I can be vulnerable with them and then say, you know what, I understand where you are right now, but I'm really upset with you and I need a minute because X, Y, and Z. Or you know what, you kind of were rude to me, and although that is not acceptable, and we're gonna deal with that, I need you to also know that was hurtful to me. It was hurtful to me because I think our kids— because I remember you forget to see your parents as people. Well, you can't.

They're—

no, no.

And they don't think you went through this stuff. They really think that you were born at like 23 or 25 and that all the stuff that they're going through, we have no— we didn't go through it. So when we talk about— and we don't have to share everything that we went through as, you know, teenagers.

We don't need to share everything. No, not everything.

The journals.

Yeah, and then like Oprah said to Gayle, when I die, burn them.

Really?

She did. Really?

She did. She said, when I die, burn my journal.

Can I be the one to burn yours?

No, right, right, right.

You gonna read it first? Come on, let me see. Yeah, I actually write my journal as if I'm writing to my daughter. Like, I write it and I'm— and I say, look, okay, I just gotta tell you. And I mean, I don't have a daughter, but I think, you know, if like my oldest goddaughter who's I mean, in college, but I always think that if she read this stuff, but you will pull it out.

I have pulled, I have pulled my journal out. And I think I stopped.

Something just happened. Come on, show him.

I was doing it every year until I think about 16 or 17. And then I stopped because it got, it got a little ratchet.

Yeah.

But I would, I would take them out for their birthday and I'd bring the journal and I would read excerpts from my journal to them. And to watch your children. Yes. But I mean, the parts where it was like, I can't believe my parents, they don't love me. I think, I mean, I wrote in my journal, I think I'm adopted because if I would, if I was really their child, they would not be treating me like this. I mean, I'm reading them over their birthday and they cannot get enough of it. So I would read like 3 or 4 entries and then, and then I'd be like, okay, I think that's good.

No, that is, that makes you human.

And she gonna make up some journal entries and start reading them to the girls.

I'm like, that is great.

You don't have to make up journal entries. I'm sure you have been having moments here and there as you've been raising your girls of flashbacks to you.

Yes.

At that moment, write the story of your life at that moment. And it's for you. It's for you to rehearse it, for you to remember it, for you. Because I think, as again, as you get older and you have these flashbacks, all of a sudden these things these flashbacks, they take on new meaning. You know, it's not just that this was what happened to me when I was 13. This is why, because I see that even then this was my wiring. This was how I saw things. This is how I reacted to things. And some things, y'all, we get better at them, but they don't change.

And it also helps you not, not kill your child.

Not to kill, because honey, yeah, it's important because you see them. Motherhood murder is a real threat.

But to also look at them and say, Okay, okay, okay, this is the season they gonna get through it and we just gonna keep working on it because I too did this, or there's something familiar. Even though my mom and her sisters will say there were certain things they were not allowed, you know, to do because my Meemaw was just like, no, that's not happening, or, you know, certain things weren't allowed. And so it's also that balance of, yeah, our society has changed, you know, with social media, there's so much access to other stuff. I mean, this generation is exposed to more news, more, um, just stuff, stuff. And so there's also a difference in what we talk to them about, but that holding them accountable and talking about, yeah, I understand you're going through something, however, this behavior is still unacceptable.

Oh yeah, it's a snapback. Yeah, yeah, I just try to have a conversation with them before I snap. Right, right, especially in public, especially in public, especially in this day and age. Yeah, no, this is, this is good stuff. I think, you know, for For me, the most important thing right now, mid, almost mid-40s, I am almost in my mid stinking 40s.

That's okay.

Keep moving.

Keep going.

Um, is that I know me.

Yes.

I know me. And I actually realized, I think something happened when I turned 40. Really. It was like I had lived long enough to earn an MBA in life. Like, you know, if you've gone to school. Yeah, but it's the truth. If you've gone to school and you have MBA, after your name. It gives you bragging rights. You're kind of like, yeah, I've done, I've done this work. And so yeah, you need to, you need to listen. You need to listen because I know what I'm talking about. It's kind of like once I started saying, you know, I'm kind of 40, it's something happened. It was like, oh, hold on, there was a shift. There was a shift in the atmosphere. Somebody say yes. Yes.

Well, I'm not 40.

Oh my gosh, wait on the shift.

I have had a shift. And so sometimes—

why?

What happened?

What was the shift?

I think I've just been inspired by y'all. I think, I feel like we're all this is the same.

You talk about like Priscilla and all of us turning 40? Yes. All her people are turning 40.

So freedom came.

She got honorary 40. Freedom came.

You walking in it.

Yes.

Sometimes I do feel like.

You feel like what I hear?

She walking in it.

You walking in it. She's walking as if.

As if.

I'm all about that as if.

Yes. Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just like I've earned something. I've been here. As an adult, 20 years, and I know something.

I would love, and I think I said this to you before, but I would love to have like Karris and under, if Jessica's ever around, like to do it, have them.

Yes.

Because I would love to hear what Karris thought when you were saying I'm sorry.

Oh yeah, we need to do that. Cause she tells me now, she'll be like, I remember when you X, Y, and Z. Yeah. Like one of the things, okay, this is like off topic a little bit. So, so we fought. So I homeschooled her. We fought. We fought over her papers. I mean, like, it was a thing.

I think I remember.

Oh, yes, honey. 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning. Oh, no, you're going to finish this paper. And it will be an A. It will be an A. Oh, my. Yeah. Imagine that.

I'm looking at— Karris, I was sorry for you all the time.

Yes. I mean, you can't come home with a C because your teacher is your mama. And she's going to keep making you work at it until it's an A. There is no break. Oh, my. So that was like a real point of contention for us. And yeah, there was no break.

Me and Esther would not have made it.

No, no. My 13-year-old son looked at me like recently and he said, Mom, the problem with you is— I said back up!

Start that over.

Let's say that another way because I can't hear nothing. And that's the thing. He said, well, I think that you don't understand something about me. There we go.

Okay.

He said, I think that— I think you want things perfect and I'm just not going to do things as perfectly as you want them. That was actually well stated.

Travis is amazing.

And then he said, he said, he said, Mom, do you know, he said, do you think you're a perfectionist? And I was like, you know what, I actually am. And you know what, that's actually a true statement. But I still— you still gonna get it done.

Yes, I am a perfectionist.

And you know what, you know what though, it helped me in my communication with him because now I understood how he was seeing me and I understood what he was thinking I was trying to do. Which was make him like me. He was like, your handwriting. And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. I've seen what you're capable of. And my job is to make you rise to what you're capable of. So it's not trying to get you to do it like me or do it this perfect way.

It's me.

I know because I'm your mother.

Yes.

Because God has given me to you. I know what you're capable of. Somebody say yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. That was good.

That was good. And that gets back to why you need friends. Yeah. Because they look into your life and they say, I know what you're capable of. Yes. So you got to quit talking yourself into a hole. You got to quit speaking negatively about yourself. You've got to get up and do it because you've been talking about it for 3 years. Come on. You're capable of it. Come on, Crystal. Let's start acting. That's good. You need to start acting as if.

Do it.

This is who you are. You know, Mufasa said that. Yes. I did. What did he say though? It was like, you know who you are.

Oh, I remember from Lion King, one of the songs.

No, he was in the desert and his dad appeared to them and he was like, it was something like, see, I'm messing it up.

I'm sure somebody—

It was like, you know who you are, or act how you are.

I wonder, are people still watching?

They are still watching. Oh, right. They are still watching. But I just think that's the point. We have to know for ourselves, for our kids, for our friends, what the bar is and constantly iron sharpens iron. Be, you know, nudging people and saying, come on, you know, get it together. Do, do what you're supposed to be doing with your life. Be who God created you to be because complex or not, you are marvelous in his eyes. Yeah, you are marvelous in his eyes. One thought that you would want to leave everyone with. Somebody's watching them like, this is good stuff. So after watching, you want them to leave with this in mind.

Get a Post-it.

Get a Post-it and write on your own Post-it, I am marvelous.

Because I think it is really hard to try to pour something into someone else that you don't have.

Oof.

And so just reminding yourself that you were born to be marvelous. And then also, especially for parents, and with this age, you were born to mother her.

Mm.

Because God didn't give her to somebody else.

Exactly.

He gave her to you.

Gave her to you. So you were born to mother her. That means that everything that's going on, everything that you have, and the arguments and the sighs that you hear coming from her mouth and how she pretends to slam her door, but she doesn't slam your door because you told her you would take the door off, all that kind of stuff. Because I did. Because she did it.

She did.

But you were born to mother her. And that means it will be well.

Just Trust with your soul, her soul, and my soul.

Trust the process. When I think about me and my mother now, and where we were when I was a teenager, and all but for the grace of God, you are still alive. And I have teeth because she was one of the— I really, I believed her when she said, "I will knock on people's door." But because I also think that there was never a doubt, even in my journals, there there was never a doubt that she loved me. Um, there could have been days that she didn't like me because of my behavior.

That's real.

But she loved me. And just remember, you were born to mother her.

Awesome. Yeah, awesome.

I guess mine would be just a piggyback on that, was just that it's just that this— you still— we're still in it. You're still journeying through it, and we'll be like— you will be. So it is not— it's not over. There's still growth.

There's a song.

We have songs for everything.

Sorry, go ahead.

I was saying something.

It was deep. You know, go ahead, keep going.

No, that was it. Just that it's not over. I think we can be really hard on ourselves, whether we're mothering, being a friend, whatever it, you know, whatever it is. I think you can just be really hard on yourself. And I just think it's important to remember that you're still growing. Like, it's a journey. Parenting is a journey. Your marriage is a journey. Marriage is a journey.

Singleness is a journey.

It's all a journey. And so you are still in it. Like, don't— you don't have to have it figured out. You're still journeying through it.

And I think, yeah, I think my closing thought would be you're not journeying through it by yourself.

Yes.

You need to be with people. Pick your people, find your people, the people that are reaching out to you. Stop telling them to, you know, stop pushing them away.

Stop saying fine.

Stop saying fine. Be honest. Be honest. Welcome. It doesn't have to be 12. You don't need 12. Jesus had 12. That doesn't mean you need 12. He also only took 2 to 3 up on the mount. So you just need a couple of people.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, just saying. I mean, I can't— only one got to walk on water. Only one. So everybody else— so churchy. So, so I just, I just I just want you to say that and really to have some serious conversations with those friends who you know will tell you the truth, hold you accountable, and remember what you said you were going to do last year and hold you and hold you to it. I really, really believe that that can make or break the difference in your life because we were not meant to do any of this by ourselves. We just were not meant to do any of this by ourselves. So let me recap. Winter Pitts is my cousin. How is she my cousin? Because my dad and her dad are brothers.

Yeah.

So technically we're like the same age, but we're not. Like in life we're the same age.

She was 12 in '84.

Do you remember that time?

Yes, I knew it.

Yes, I remember. She's from Baltimore and we came to Baltimore every Sunday summer to visit and we were driving somewhere and I don't remember how old I was, but I told her my age and you weren't.

It was like 20.

Yeah. And she was like, dang, you're old. Oh.

Really?

So anyway, but you're the oldest.

I'm the oldest. So all of my cousins think I'm right.

And it just now I'm like, oh, I'm like, it's not that funny.

But I want you to know about Winter too, because she doesn't just have girls. She writes about girls. And so where can people find you online? Like what's your latest thing that's out that they can find about you online?

Everything is For Girls Like You. So F-O-R, For Girls Like You. That's the website, Instagram, Facebook, all that stuff. And then my devotionals, I have one that's called For Girls Like You, and then the other is called You're God's Girl. They're Amazon, Barnes Noble.

And you have a magazine still too.

And I have a magazine.

You're still doing that magazine.

I am still doing the magazine. I am still doing the magazine, which is For Girls Like You. And that is for younger girls. So kind of that 6 to 11 before they're really, you know, when they're still just looking for stuff and but don't necessarily want the cartoons and the playful stuff. So we just kind of catch them in between. So that's where that the magazine is for.

It's a great magazine. I just want to chime in. I got a subscription for 3 of my cousins when they were in that age.

That's so sweet.

And they got, they loved getting mail and they love the magazine.

So just see, so when you say I'm still doing it, I'm like, okay, yes, I'm still doing it.

Yes.

If I ever have another baby and she gets to be 11, we are just going to give a subscription. My eggs are still there. Okay.

Something just happened.

Okay, so, and then where Winter leaves off with 11, then Shantara picks up girls 11 through 13. Where can they find you online?

And so, um, online I'm at Marvelous University. Um, you can find that on Facebook. It's Marvelous University by Shantara McBride. You can also find me on Instagram @marvelousshantara. Um, I'm on Twitter @shantaramcb.

Um, it's hard to keep up with all of them.

I know it is. That's why I'm like, edit it.

But if you can search your name wherever you're on the social media, it'll come up.

Shanterra with two Rs.

Yes.

Mc Bride, like you're gonna get married. Yes. Go into the—

Shanterra McBride.

Y'all can find me at chrystalevanshurst.com. Uh, no, but for real, yay! Thank you.

We did it. If you end up only catching this as an audio, then you kind of missed out because the video is what made it better.

Oh, one more thing. If you are watching and you are not subscribed to my email list, you miss stuff. I sent out a recipe for these brown sugar butter Hawaiian roll ham and cheese slider thingies. You need that in your life. And there are some things—

With sugar juice. It was just sugar juice at the bottom.

People serve them at funerals?

I don't know. I feel like my 8F1 calls those funeral sandwiches.

Well, honey, because they will send you to the grave. It's just butter and sugar.

Right.

So if you want to be on my email list, how do you do that? Just go to my site, chrystalhurtz.com, right below my picture, you put your email address, you'll sign up. We hope you enjoyed it. Thank you. We'll see you later. Thank you, Winter. Shanti, shanti, shani, shani.