Part 2 of 4: Devi Titus & Lois Evans on Navigating Forgiveness and Expectations with Adult Daughters

Our mother-daughter relationship when I was growing up, when I was young, it was— I was loved just being in the middle of whatever she was doing. I was the tag-along, and I don't have any sisters, so it's just— I was just the tag-along. Okay. But then when I got married and had 4 children, then I was so consumed with my own family, and we didn't live in the same city, so we actually didn't get together that often.

And when we did, it was a big family.

Yeah, and I was so busy with my kids. Yeah, so it was—

So is it that it's more natural now, or do you think you're being intentional?

We're being intentional now. I had, I actually had an experience with the Lord last February, so it's been over a year, and the Lord spoke to me very clearly, this is a season that I want you working with your mother and helping her and being a part of what she's doing. So it's super intentional, like I have the fear of God, I have to help my mom right now. You know, that kind of thing.

Yeah, thank you God.

I was like, have you been praying that I'm going to help you, Steph?

So good.

But before that, He actually gave me— I was having a little bit of tension with one of my daughters. I thought, why is this happening? Because we've always been so close. I mean, my two girls and I are just like buddies, you know. And I thought, why is this happening? And so I was praying about it and the Lord showed me that I had had unforgiveness towards my mom.

That I had talked to my daughter about, but I hadn't talked to your mother about.

That's right.

Well, I had talked to her about it, but I didn't realize it. I didn't know that. Honestly, I didn't know until the Holy Spirit brought it up to my mind that there was still unforgiveness there. So last year the Lord showed me, and here's what it was, is I would make comments to my daughter, who has— one daughter has 4 kids, my other daughter has 3 kids, my son has I had 3 children, and so I've got 10 grandchildren. And I would say comments when I would babysit the kids, "Well, it must be nice because my mom never babysat my kids. She's always too busy." So I didn't think that— so I would hear myself that I had made comments like that, and I thought, I've been disrespecting my mom by saying— by making a comment like that. My daughter's 30 3 years old. Am I actually still resentful that my mom didn't babysit my kids? I mean, what's going on with me? So anyway, so the Holy Spirit revealed that because I didn't think that I had still held that, but apparently I had because I was hearing myself make comments like that. So that's just an illustration of how the Lord has helped me to be more intentional and with my relationship with my mom, um, because there's— our personalities are similar, so there's sometimes some tension.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I would say things like, okay, please stop preaching at me. Please stop telling me what to do all the time. Please just stop. Like, I can't do all that.

And I want to say the same thing to her. Please stop telling me what to do all the time.

Yeah, so it's like sometimes it gets like, ah, teacher, teacher. It's like, yeah, can we just hang out and not be teaching?

You know, Chrystal Hurst, what is really interesting was There were times Trina would ask me or us to babysit, and I would legitimately have to say no, and she really, really needed me, and I just would say no. And I was— it was easy for me to say yes or no. There were many times I cared for her children when I was available. However, when there's unforgiveness, you don't remember those times. You say she never babysat. That's not That's not true, except it's real to you because that forgiveness distorts reality. And so that had grown and built within her.

But I try to— So, okay, so let's back up just a little bit.

All right, you got a lot there, didn't you?

Yeah, that was a whole lot. You just kind of went, "Rrr." Okay, so let me ask my mom.

Uh-oh.

No, I want to ask you, Okay, point blank.

Yeah.

Do you enjoy spending time with your girls, your daughters?

Oh, I do.

Okay.

I do different personalities. Like you said, we're all different.

Yeah.

So when I spend time with you, I have to, yes, I have to prep myself. Yes. Because I'm dealing with adult daughters now.

Right.

Not people that are just doing what I say, you know, they're just listening to opinions now. So I have to prep myself because this is going to be a good experience with different personalities that are adults. Yes. And I have to be careful what I'm saying. Like Jonathan dropped by today. He's not feeling well, Jonathan. But he's married.

Yeah.

So I have to be careful how I told him to take care of himself. Yeah, exactly. Because he has a wife, you know.

It takes a lot of diplomacy.

Yeah, because it's just you and Priscilla are different. Yeah. You know, so, so I hope I'm answering your question. I just got to prep myself and get ready for Do you think—

I gotta prep myself.

Yes, because you gotta be so careful.

You do, and you should be. Do you feel like it's— I mean, even though you love your kids, does it work though? Like, do you feel like it's just— I mean, when you say you have to prep yourself, is there— is it work? I mean, does it feel like, okay, I gotta get ready, you know what I mean? I'm glad they're going over, but all right, good, they're gone, you know what I mean?

No, it is work. Yeah. Because again, I've got to be careful what I'm saying. Because, you know, I hate calling names, but one of your sisters, you only have one.

Oh no.

But I have to be careful what I'm saying. I think she's a little more sensitive than you are to things that I say. But I have to respect that.

Yeah.

That's just how she is, and it might be from some experiences she's had as a child with me being her mother that I haven't heard about yet.

Yeah, right.

I probably will. It could be.

Yeah.

So I see those vibes and I feel those vibes and I have to be careful what I say to her and what I say to you. It's two different things.

Yeah.

So, so I think for us to say that we would be careful isn't a bad thing.

No.

Right. It's really a good thing.

That's what we expect like.

However, some people will perceive that as being, well, you're not being intimate, you're not being real.

Yes.

You're not connecting, you're not— no, we're being really real. Be careful so we don't push a button that creates a reaction that then will keep that from being a pleasant experience. And it goes the other way too. The daughters are careful.

Yes, yes.

Adult daughters. I mean, I think that's true. You've been your mother's daughter for 40-something years. I'm 52. Okay, well, that's a long time.

And I have two adult daughters.

Yes, so you know each other.

So I get that.

You kind of know what the buttons are.

Yes, totally.

And so you don't want to ruin an evening out with buttons you know you shouldn't push.

Exactly.

Now, when there are times I feel like I need to push the buttons—

You call me back.

I call you back, and sometimes I tell you hang up because I'm going to leave you a message. Yes, and then we can talk later.

Or schedule an appointment.

We'll have a conversation and he'll hang up and Molly will call me back. She'll say, okay, You know, it takes me a minute to gather my thoughts, so just let me get off my chest what I have to get off my chest. And I just listen.

Do you do it on the message?

Sometimes on the message, sometimes I do it in person.

And that way you're not interrupted.

No, and I let them know. That's the thing, Mommy will say, "Let me finish my thought." Yeah, because if I'm interrupted, then I can't get back to what the Holy Spirit really placed on my heart to share with them. So, but I prep them. I say, "Have a seat. It's not going to be comfortable." I go through all of that. Because when it's so impactful in my spirit, I have to let them know, you know, and I know it might be painful for them to hear or uncomfortable. And recently I've been sharing with them who I am. I think they just see me as mom and super mom, which I appreciate.

No, it's so funny.

But they don't know who I really am, I don't think.

Today in my messages, I don't know if it was Instagram or Facebook or something, somebody left me a message and said, my husband and I fell out laughing today because I was so frustrated I was so overwhelmed and I was trying to get him to understand what my problem was. And I finally just screamed at the top of my lungs, I'm a person! And he was like, I know you're a person. And they both fell out laughing. And she was talking about the book She's Still There. She was like, that's— those are the words. I'm in here. I'm in here. And everybody sees me in a function.

I'm a mother.

I'm a wife. I have a job. I'm a coworker. I'm a church member, but I'm a person. When you're dealing with your mom, in fact, I've actually said that. I've said to our siblings, I've said, you know, I just have to remember that Mommy is a person.

Yes.

Yes. Because I think that we all have expectations of people, our friends, our family, our husband, but we have expectations of our parents And then at a certain point, it has to shift because we've changed, they've changed, seasons of life change, and so we have to say, you know what, they're a person. I'm curious, because you talked about unforgiveness, and I know that, you know, you and I have had some conversations. How have you felt to hear from your children, your daughters specifically, in any way how we, like you said, she didn't babysit or whatever the thing was.

Right, that's right.

How does it feel to you when your children, your daughters, tell you that you haven't done something?

Yeah.

Yeah, well—

Or that there's been a disappointment.

Sure.

In this case, we've had conversations over the years about it. And I just had to let it go. No, we have. She's mentioned that to me many different times. Now, I'm probably different than Lois because I don't leave those messages. So I try to get nicer. Sometimes you have to say something? No, I don't. I just kind of let it go. And I'm not confrontational to her about those things. So many times when she's brought up something I wasn't, I apologize. When I see it, she helps me see it. I just humble myself and apologize. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for two things. I'm sorry that I was that way, and I'm also sorry sometimes that that was your perception because you didn't see the real story.

Yeah, that's it.

From your eyes. So it's both. When there's responsibility there.

But is it hurtful to you?

Not to hear that I disappointed her.

Okay, why is that not hurtful? Because a lot of what I hear from a lot of mothers and daughters, this interaction is that what's hard is— I know it's hard. I mean, can I just say that? I mean, I've got a daughter and a granddaughter too, and my daughter and I just this past weekend, we sat watching a movie and we always watch a movie. I always watch it with my laptop and I always fall asleep. It irritates the mess out of her. So she, every 10 minutes she looks around and goes, mom, are you awake? Mom, are you awake? And if I fall asleep, she goes, you always fall asleep. And I looked at her this weekend, I said, leave me alone, leave me alone, I'm tired. And I'm sitting here and I'm watching this movie with you. Would you rather us not watch something? Like, it gets a rise out of me. Okay, so I'm just— because that's bothering me. I'm like, you want more? You still— I just think what we have to do with everything, you know, but what we have to understand is a child's perception is so different than ours.

So when, when they tell us what it felt, they felt many times. We know the reality, so it can hurt if you're guilty. When you're not guilty, you see their perspective with compassion and with understanding. It's their perception, and so it's real to them. So you hear their heart, you listen with empathy, but But you knew the real situation. They're recalling it from some point of pain, rejection. Yeah.