Part 3 for 4: The Evans Women Discuss Embracing Who You Are

So let's talk about comparison. That was actually— Chrystal was looking at me like, "No!" We're talking about comparison because, you know, it's a question I get all the time. It's like, "Do you compare yourself to your sister?" I'm curious to know if as a daughter you ever compare yourself to me. I compare myself to my mother all the time. I'm just looking at, man, she's always put together, she's always super graceful, and that's just not my natural, you know, that's not my natural gifting. You know, I just, I love my yoga pants with the hole in them. And every time I go to the store, I think, and that's what Lois wouldn't do this.

And that's why.

And I have this sweater that they want me to get rid of. Priscilla came up to me, we're on a trip and she came.

Fluffy sweater.

Yeah. The one I got you.

Yeah.

I said, but let's be honest.

Hold on.

Oh, that's right.

We were all together when she bought this sweater several years ago and it's still comfy. It's a comfy sweater. The problem is where she sits.

Down.

Yes. You know, you sit in the same place all the time. So on one hip and on the other hip, the threads are almost bare. Like you can almost, you can basically see through her clothes too because it's been rubbed so much. Cuz she wears it, she wears it at home, she wears it out, she wears it everywhere. And we were traveling, sleep in it. So we're not, I'm not talking about at home, we were traveling, y'all. And we had somebody put us in a kind of nice hotel. We were in a nice hotel and I watched her from the back as she was checking in, registering in this beautiful lobby, this nice hotel. Hotel, and there were the two hips, one bear, on the sweater. And I just thought, you know, keep it for home, but when you're packing to travel, you can just pick a different sweater.

She came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder and was like, Chrystal, you really need to retire this sweater. And I was like, leave me alone.

Just keep it, but you don't have to pack it for a trip.

I want it to be comfortable.

Yes. But then we need to get you a new sweater.

We'll get you a new sweater.

See how that came up for me?

Mom's sweater right now. This is the most comfortable looking thing I've ever seen, and you want it. I do want it.

But it's—

see, there's no pulls.

Thank you.

So now you can see why I compare myself to my mother, who's always put together, to my sister, who's usually pretty put together, and, and then my daughter. You're put together for sure when you go out, for sure.

She's very bougie.

She's very— well, yeah, but pregnancy, 8, 9 months pregnant, that's— you get a pass. Yeah, you get a pass. But in general, like, you take pride in yourself. So In any way, do y'all ever struggle with comparison with other women in your family? That's the question. And if so, what do you do about that?

Go ahead.

Yeah, I think I have, but for you, because we're so— I think we're on two opposite ends of the spectrum.

I don't mean that in a bad way.

Like, we're just on two opposite ends of the spectrum.

In a lot of ways.

You're analytical and logical.

Yeah, and I just don't think about anything. Until it's done. Like, I'm very— I'm a very quick decision maker, and then afterwards, if it was the wrong decision, we'll figure out how to figure it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think you—

you—

I make sure lengthen this before I cut.

That's exactly the right length.

Yes. But I mean, that's just one area, but I think we're different in a lot of ways. And I know that I've talked to Josh about like, oh, like when Ellie gets older, I'm scared that I'm not going to be as intentional with her as you were because that's just not my personality. I think you, you think through things that way, but I choose to realize that in ways that, that maybe you didn't like do the fun creative mom stuff.

You dress your daughter in fancy outfits for Halloween that you make. And I'm just looking like How do you do that? Yeah, yeah, you're the put the special note, decorate the lunch bag.

Yes, I am.

I'm the one who's gonna make sure it's a totally balanced meal.

Just take that from me.

Right, so I just, I just choose to realize that just like it was great that I had that aspect of you, God gave me Ellie for a reason, and so whatever I have to give her is what she's going to need. And just to choose to believe that, okay, maybe the Lord is going to stretch me in certain areas to be more like you in a certain way, but that I have what I need for her and for Josh and for any future kids, and that it's okay that I'm not totally like you. I'm like me for a reason.

That's a great answer. That's very good.

What about you, Chrystal Hurst?

Yeah, I mean, I think so. I think most women in some areas struggle with comparing, so I feel like I could, you know, I'm always constantly going, well, my son my older sister, is kind of the same as Karris, you know, where it's just like, you know, you're my older sister, so I kind of always wanted to be like you, and never— things just don't come as easily for me, I think. Some things that came easily for you, they didn't come easy for me, so I had to work twice as hard for the same. So I struggled a lot with just trying to be okay with— sounds exactly like Karris— just I'm a bit this way, and it's okay that I'm not as good at the things that you're good at and that comes easy to you. So that's just, you kind of have to continually like talk yourself off a little ledge and go, you know, okay, like I am, and hopefully this will work out. And then also with my mom, you know, I struggled a lot with, to me, the ideal mom was going to stay at home completely.

Oh, okay.

So that's just the way it looked in my head.

You're saying because mom did it for so long. You went to work, but you were home all the time.

And so for, for us, when we started, when Jerry started to feel like the Lord was steering us toward ministry more intentionally, cause I was speaking, but I would go speak when someone invited me once every couple months or something. It wasn't, it wasn't a ministry. It was just, I was just speaking every now and then when people would ask me, of course that's ministry, but you get my point. There wasn't a big umbrella going on. So when Jerry started to feel like, you know, I think this is what the Lord wanted us to do. My battle was, but then motherhood is not going to look like me just at home baking bread all the time, which is what I wanted to do.

Yeah.

And I still do that to an extent.

You make some good cinnamon rolls. Yeah, those are pretty good.

Yeah. But it's you, it really is you who helped release me to motherhood as it was gonna look for me. I remember you saying, it's gonna be unconventional, but just take your kids with you on the road. Y'all aren't home, but they're still with you. And that's the point. So that's what we did. We just homeschooled them and took 'em with us everywhere for a lot of years. And so I just think I had to revamp in my head that motherhood might not look exactly the same, but the same qualities of it can be there even if it doesn't fit in the same box.

And it's so funny, as you're saying that, I have memories of you— and we're in this house, so we're kind of going down memory lane a little bit— but I have memories of you, and it was probably this way for a lot of reasons, but you always kind of had a, oh well, this is what I'm going to do. You know, it would drive me nuts.

It drove Mom and Daddy nuts.

Oh, it drove me nuts.

I was very nonchalant. You were just very nonchalant, but I think a part of that—

was, correct me if I'm wrong, I think a part of that was you trying to be and learning to be okay with, well, this is just how I'm going to do it. It was kind of a throwaway, but I do see how in your adult life that learned, practiced ability to kind of go, well, this is just the way I'm going to have to do it, it kind of has helped to settle you in to the place where you need to live. Even though it was kind of a throwaway, well, I can't do it like Nana, It just became, you were like, well, this is what I'm going to do. And that resolve, because that's what I think it is, resolve has turned into adulthood. Like, you know, I'm comfortable in my own skin, can't do that, so this is what I'm going to do. And it's really turned into a confidence, I think, in your own giftings and abilities.

Well, that's good. I didn't really think of it like that.

Thanks.

It's like, this is all I got.

I think the key thing as women of God is our priorities. The methodology is different for everyone.

That's great.

But the priorities, they don't change. So how in the world you accomplish it is between you and your family, but please, as women of God, don't change the priorities. Don't adjust the scriptures to fit where you feel you should be. Because life, I keep repeating it, is seasonal. What you can't do now, you'll be able to do. I'm sitting here today as a testimony.

We have to release each other.

We have to release each other.

You know what? If that works for you, I'm not going to judge you because that's not the choice I've made. I'm just going to go, good.

I hope that's going to be great for you. Oh my gosh, the mommy wars. Oh, do you stay? Are you a stay-at-home mom? Are you a work-at-home mom? Do you go out of the home to work? Are your kids in school? Are they homeschooled? Okay, well, have your children learned this by this certain age? When did you get married? What does your husband do? What is his role in the home? Are you the spiritual? I mean, there's all these questions. About how we do things, and we need to be free to do things how we do them.

The Bible says, "Who the Son sets free is free indeed." I wonder then why are we living in chains? Because we're not releasing ourselves, or like you just said, releasing each other to be free.

I have a friend I sat down at dinner with— this is years ago now because we're very good friends— and she travels a lot for ministry, her and her husband, and they have a nanny that they take with them. Their children are a lot older now, now, but they travel together, have a nanny to take with them, and that was kind of foreign. We just didn't grow up with nannies and stuff like that, so that's just foreign.

Still might feel funny.

The nanny word doesn't even sound like—

It feels like mommy's helper.

Yeah, like it's the mom's helper. Which I love that.

Every mommy needs help. Like every wife needs a wife. Every sister, somebody to help you wash. Somebody to help you out.

But we were having a conversation one day, and it was so interesting to hear to hear her look at my perspective with a, "Are you serious?" The same as how I was kind of looking at her like, "Really? You have somebody that travels with you and kind of helps at home and stuff?" She was looking at me like, "And you don't?" She did grow up that way, and she said, "We travel so much that if I did not have any help, my husband and I would never have time together. I would never be able to date him," because sometimes they'll be out, and in the evening, her and her husband need to go have an actual She said, "We would never have that. Our children would always be with us. We wouldn't be able to prioritize each other." I had never even considered that, that helps to actually prioritize something else. Yeah, you were like, "I gotta do it all." Yeah, I was like, "I gotta do every single thing or I'm not being the best mom." And she's like, "Actually, I can be the best mom because it creates just a little bit of margin if somebody else is just kind enough, if my friend's kind enough to come over and say, 'I will bring over dinner tonight, help you with the dishes.'" She's like, honestly, somebody else can make dinner and help with the dishes every now and then. I'm the only one that can date my wife. I'm the only one that can take my kids to do that activity or whatever, be with them for this thing. So she said, I don't understand how you're not, how you're not letting yourself.

And people hear that and they think, oh, well, money, I don't have money for that. But I, a couple of things. Number one, I have a friend who grew up on the mission field. So coming here, she was just like, why don't y'all have help? Because she was like, on the mission field, we didn't have money. It was cold.

Cultural.

It was cultural. That a woman wasn't supposed to do it all by herself. So I have some friends who have each other.

In church, it should kind of be.

Right, well, they had a— they decided we all have young kids and we're all exhausted.

Yeah.

So they have— they call it the babysitter club, and when their kids were really little, you would rotate and you were always babysitting somebody's kids. So at least once a month you could plan to go to the doctor, get your hair done, whatever. When the kids got a little older, they would do it in the evening. So that you could go out on a date with your husband, all those other things. And so I think we have to reframe the way we look at how we help each other because ultimately we don't have to do it all by ourselves.

And what if you lived in close, semi-close community and one of the moms that's making dinner on the Monday nights makes enough spaghetti for 3 families, and instead of going through Chick-fil-A on your way home, you go through this woman's house and get your serving of spaghetti, but then you do the same for her on Wednesday nights. You know what I'm saying? You know, you live within 5 minutes, 10 minutes of each other. I just think little choices like that with friends in your church and stuff, you have to pay each other. The payment is it releases you to do other things. I keep pointing to you, but like your spouse, that's a priority to you.

We hear Ellie screaming.

Our niece is like, "Hey, enough, girl, get down!" But I just think there are options like that we don't really think, we don't really think of.

Can the churches still have Mother's Day out? Some do, because that's what I was to do still and you were busy with the ministry, you know, the church was growing. Your dad came home one day, he was driving to seminary, and he said, Lois, I just passed a church that I have a whole lot of confidence in that I think we could take the children to one day a week. I was like, no, no, no. And then he said, let's just try it. And when he tried it, I got a chance to go do my hair, go to the doctor.

Freedom!

And so there are options out there, but I like your option of the neighborhood cooking. It's just ways to do it.

So Chrystal, you start.

You start what?

Cooking.

I'll come to your house and get my share.

Something Josh and I do that we may have to alter after 2 kids, but once a week we give each other one night off. Oh yeah. So he'll watch Ellie.

Josh will end up in my house.

He's like, I have Ellie, what are y'all doing?

I'm almost scared to care if it's night off with y'all. And that may change as we have more kids. We'll go up to once a month and instead of once a week, just, you know, as we figured out. But it's been really working because he has a night off and he knows that I'm not expecting him to be at home. I can— I know that he's not gonna be at home, so I plan for that, you know, that I'm gonna be here with Ellie by myself. And it's great because he can go be with friends, he can do whatever he wants, I don't care. And then the same thing for me, I get one night a week that I know I don't have to think about Ellie. I can go hang out with a friend, I can go to sleep at 5 o'clock. Like, it's just really cool. And not that, you know obviously we hope for community of women who we can do that with and for, but also your husband. Like, he realizes the fact that he lives with you and he's there.

And he's their dad.

And he's their dad.

Yeah, absolutely.

So that's been really good for us, like, just to give each other time.

Yeah, well, because he's really good at that with Daddy in the middle of his busy life building a church. Thank the Lord we live in the neighborhood of the church. But you guys seen that he would say, Lois, get ready, I'm coming. I'm coming home, getting ready to come home for you to do whatever you want to do. And we literally passed each other in the doorway.

Bye-bye, see you later.

I just went to the mall, just walked around. I didn't have any funds to buy anything. I think, of course, I might have gotten a soda or something. But it was just knowing that he was coming home to take care of business. And we passed each other. He would say, bye.

Hi, how you doing?

Bye. I said, there he goes.

That feeling is so amazing when that feeling is— it's just lifted off of your shoulders. And you can just go walk or just get some fresh air.

I would do that.

It would be like, I would put the kids to bed, but then Jesse was home, and then I'd go to Target. Just walk around with the popcorn. Popcorn is for me. They have the best popcorn, really and truly they do.

So there's lots of creative ways to do it.

Lots of creative ways.

I was just going to say, you know, just to not leave the single women out because they don't have the option of a spouse to help them.

Sure, sure.

It's that option again of the church. Just don't forget that the church is that are supposed to be your family, and those women that are your friends in church, and you see them every now and then, both of y'all nod and wave.

Yes. Take the initiative and say, "Hey, can we help each other out?" Can we help each other? Yeah, I mean, that's the whole idea of the Sister Circle, is that we all have circles of girls somewhere. It may be at church, it may be in our neighborhood, it may be at work. So how do you need help, support, reading a book, I want to run, like, what are the things that would help you in your life?

And connecting with the women in your life help you do that.