Protecting Your Peace

Hello there. It's Chrystal Hurst and welcome back to another episode of Coffee with Chrystal Hurst, where I am here hopefully to give you some practical help for living your life well. I'm actually live right now with my inner circle. We go live every morning, um, Monday morning around 7-ish. And so they're watching me live and the replay, if you're watching this, um, on a Sunday evening or any other time is what you are watching. If you would like to be able to join the Inner Circle audience live, please feel free to click on the link that you see, chrystalhurtz.com/innercircle, and then you can join, um, the co-producer level and join me every Monday if you'd like to be in the live audience. But today I am here to talk about protecting your peace. I am not a person who has felt or thought that that I struggled with anxiety much, honestly. I've always thought I handled stress well. I've always thought that even when I was overwhelmed, I could untangle myself from all the things. And I've realized that some of the things that I've called stress, overwhelm, um, fuzzy brain, um, you know, just feeling the weight of the world, um, when you add those things up, that honestly those fit under the word anxiety. Now anxiety, we were talking before we started our recording for you, we were talking about TV shows that we've been watching since the pandemic, or maybe just that we've been watching. And the reality is, is that sometimes it's, it's not until you experience something for yourself and realize that the way it looks for everybody else on TV is not necessarily the only way it looks. It's like childbirth. Childbirth is portrayed a certain way on TV, but that's not the only way it looks. In fact, it rarely looks like it looks on TV. And anxiety doesn't always look like a full-blown panic attack. Anxiety can be that you feel like you have a stone on your chest. Anxiety can be that you feel stuck. Anxiety can be that you just cannot seem to sort your thoughts out or that your thoughts are going 100 miles a minute. And I recently have been thinking about what are the signs in my life that I'm dealing with stress or that I'm dealing with anxiety. And one of the things that I've learned to do, um, and still learning to do, I think we'll be doing it our whole lifetime, is learning how to manage our stress, manage our load, manage our weight, because we live in a stress-filled world. So I wanted to talk to you today about what it means and what it can look like to protect your peace. Uh, one of the things that we found in our conversation before we started our recording for you is that Anxiety looks very different for a lot of people, but you need to understand that a lot of people are experiencing anxiety and they may not call it that. But when we talk about your thoughts racing, when we talk about your pulse racing, when we talk about brain fog, when we talk about, um, uh, experiencing the weight and not being able to get to a place of peace because you're constantly irritable, all of these things that are not panic attacks can be signs of anxiety. And so, um, I want you to know that anxiety is real and that anxiety often does take outside help. You've heard me say it once or before if you've been around any length of time, or if you've read my book She's Still There, you know that I will say, listen, if you can't untangle the mess yourself, if you don't have good friends, a spouse, a mom who can help, go get a counselor, go see a pastor. If they recommend meds because there is a chemical imbalance that is contributing towards that, then take the meds. I'm always going to tell you to do whatever it takes for you to be healthy and whole. That said, a lot of us just need to acknowledge that we're even experiencing anxiety and experiencing a lack of peace in your life. But there are some things that all of us can do to protect the peace that we do have, and a lot of us simply don't do it. We just don't. We let our peace be taken, be stolen, be absorbed, snatched by things in our lives that have no right to our peace or our souls, and we just give it away. Has anybody else ever felt like you've given away the right that you need to your peace, the right that you have to your peace, that you've let other people take it, that you let circumstances rise up and steal it, that you've let, um, um, situations or other places in your life determine the ease that you're experiencing in your soul? Well, if that's you, you're not alone. You're not the only one, because many people struggle with this, especially in a world that's constantly vying for our attention. I want to tell you that one of the biggest things that takes our peace and steals our peace, y'all, is this thing right here. Don't pay attention to my dirty screen. I mean, it is what it is, and we walk with it all the time, and we're constantly being interrupted. I love how right now Kimberly's watching and she says, protecting my peace has become a non-negotiable in 2021. Absolutely. And so many of us are, are slaves to it when all we have to do is turn it off or put it down or plug it in in another room. Just recently my daughter said to me, she said, my phone is on silent all the time now, and unless I'm intentionally looking for somebody's call or text I turn it over if it's even near me, because I just realized I was constantly being interrupted, constantly being interrupted by people that had access to me at any time, and that was disturbing my peace. And I could control that. Portia says, I have learned to put my phone down. Lakisha says, yes, that cell phone, uh, do not disturb has become my friend. Lydia said, I had to fast from it for a little while. So I want to encourage you, let me just start one-on-one, peace 101, protecting your peace 101. Control your phone and don't let your phone control you. Let's start with that. All right, but I want to give you some practical help because, you know, that's what I'm all about. I want you to think about these things. The first thing is that you have to recognize your emotional indicators, the emotional indicators that your mind and your body give you that you've crossed a boundary, okay, that you've crossed a boundary. I said in She's Still There that your emotions should guide you, they shouldn't govern you. They are God-given for a reason. They're supposed to tell you when your equilibrium is off, okay? They are supposed to tell you when your equilibrium is off. So you do need to pay attention. And if you're going too fast and your body is trying to tell you something you'll miss it. If you're going too fast and your mind is trying to tell you something, uh, you will, you will miss it. So the first thing is to recognize the disturbance. Sometimes you won't know the disturbance until you get rid of certain things in your life to notice the difference with them not being there. Okay, um, so, and I'll talk more about that in just a minute. So here's some examples, right, of some things that could come in that your body and your brain could be giving you signs for and you're not listening. So number 1, the news. The news is a constant influx of emergency breaking news. If you have those notifications turned on on your phone, or if you are watching TV, and then, you know, I mean, literally the sound that it makes when it comes across the screen and there's breaking news, it's like, shh, doom. I mean, it's like, you know, terror awaits. And if you're not attentive, you won't even realize that at the moment that happens You stop what you're doing, you look up because, oh my gosh, all of my systems that are going in my body right now have to pay attention to this one thing. That is a part of the flight or fight syndrome. That is a part of what happens when you're walking along in the dark and you hear something rustling in the leaves, and everything in your body says, I have to look because I have to pay attention to what's happening right now. That is every system in your body stopping what it's doing to be directed toward whatever is going to cause you potential harm, to bring you danger, or that you need to interpret right now. That is a stress system in your body right then and there. Anything that requires you to put everything that's happening— your eyes, your ears, your brain— on whatever has dinged, that is your physical body engaged in an emergency. Okay. And once you engage your eyes, your ears, your heart, your mind, your body in an emergency, you have allowed a stressful moment to overtake all of your systems. And the news does that. Our phones do that. An alarm system, right? When you hear an alarm system, it says, alert, alert, alert, somebody's here that should not be here. Okay. Um, we had just got a new alarm system in our house. We have not had an alarm system for a long time. My husband in this home wanted to put one in. So we did. Um, y'all, we've been learning how to work it. It's new, you know, it's all the things I'm not used to having it. So it's gone off a million times with us, you know, forgetting, I forgot the code one day. I mean, you know, it's just been all the things, but every time it goes off, no matter where the kids are, they come downstairs, they stop what they're doing. They come downstairs and they say, Mom, why is the alarm going off? Because they know, alert, alert, alert, alert. There is something signaling, signaling that something is wrong. All right. Um, and so the alarm system is designed to tell you something is wrong. So the question is, what alarm systems are dinging in your life that cause you to have to focus all of your attention, your eyes, your ears, your body, your brain on that input where you're trying to discern or decode what's wrong. Okay, how— that is one of the ways you recognize when you have been attached to or being forced to be attentive to something that is stealing your attention away and stealing your peace away because it required a quick pivot from whatever you were doing before. Okay. Pay attention. What are those things that interrupt you? Sometimes you can't look at the things that are interrupting you. Like, you know, kids can be like stressful, right? You're doing something, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, what? You know, you're just like, what? Sometimes our husbands can do that. Sometimes the phone keeps ringing in our— and our, you know, our friend keeps calling us, or, you know, we have a co-worker at work who's always interrupting us. We can't get into a flow and into a groove because they're always coming, uh, to us, you know. And so anyway, there are a lot of outside indicators, but what about the things that you don't notice? This is where you need some people outside of you to be alarm systems for you to say, honey, something's wrong, because you're not paying attention to the indicators, but we see them. In our home, I am getting— if I haven't already gotten, now I gotta think— but anyway, carbon monoxide monitors. Because you normally— people will struggle with carbon monoxide in their home and not realize that there's a problem until they don't wake up. So the carbon monoxide monitor is designed to wake you up when there's a problem. That's why you need friends, your small group, your people, your spouse, your older kids, your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, a counselor, a pastor, spiritual authority, a mentor, a, a coach, a boss. You need people in your life who can say, are you okay? Alert, alert, alert, alert! You've been crying too much. Alert, alert, alert, alert! Something's going on with you. You're not the same. There is a tightness that arises in your brain, in your body, in your heart, in your soul when something's wrong. But here's what happens. At a certain point, your body and your brain can't continue to take the barrage of stress-filled factors in your life, and after a while it starts shutting off. Have you ever been around somebody who just is catatonic, like physically or spiritually, emotionally? They just can't take anymore. And you'll say to them, what's wrong? And they'll say, nothing, I'm fine. They've shut it off. They can't handle anymore. So you need to pay attention to yourself, and you need to have people around you that can take note of you being okay or not being okay. And a lot of times, if you cannot seem to figure out what the state of the union is in your soul, you need to bring down the noise so you can absorb. You bring down the noise. Yesterday I had, um, uh, a day that I felt very tight and wound up, and I just needed to breathe. I literally walked outside of my house, walked around my house a couple of times. I know my children was like, what is she doing? And I literally was just walking around my house breathing because I was trying to get back to the baseline and then reapproach. Sometimes a plane is trying to land and there's too much interference going on and they've got to clear the air. They've got to clear the interference. They've got to clear the runway. So the plane could land. And until it's clear, the plane has to circle. And it's safe for the plane to circle. So you have to learn— I cannot stress this enough— you have to learn how to notice your indicators. What are the indicators in your brain and in your body, in your soul, in your mind, in your, in your environment, when you are well? What does it look like for you to be well? Recognize your indicators. And if you have no idea, then you need people in your life who know the well version of you, who can speak into you, and they're quiet. They're not alerting you, they're not alarming you unless it's needed, like those carbon monoxide monitors. Watch the things in your life that are stirring up distress Know what you look like when you're well and bring all of those disturbances down to your flood mark. If you go to a lake, there is a flood mark where if the water gets above or below this level, you need to take note, right? That this is the level that the water should be at. And if it gets too far lower than that, we have a problem. If you can't see that mark, then it's higher than what it's supposed to be. You need to have a mark for your life. What does it look like when I'm well? What does it look like when I'm getting enough sleep? What does it look like for me to make decisions when my brain is clear? What does it look like for me to not be irritable with my people? What does it look like for me to make room for the things that matter to me? What does it look like for me to be spiritually fed? What does it look like for me to be a good decision maker? What does it look like for me to have joy? What are the things in my life that I need to put in place? Because right now I'm above or below my watermark. But you have to know your indicators in order to get there. So here's your assignment: to know your indicators. I want you to get a piece of paper or a journal or something like that, and I want you to write down either or, or both, right? What are the things that are in my life that I know that are happening when I'm well? What are the things that are in my life or that are happening around me when I'm over the edge? When I can't breathe, when I can't think, when I can't process, what are the things that make it worse? And what are the things that make it better? And I want to give you one that's super easy for all of us to implement. Sometimes, y'all, you just need to take a nap. You just need to take a nap. And again, if you don't know what your indicators are, uh, you know, I'm seeing some in the comments say Tracy said, uh, uh-oh, she said, uh-oh, I don't know what my indicators are. It's okay, you're not in trouble. This is me serving notice on you that you need to do some work, and it's okay. It's okay. It's okay to do the work and to take your time. Somebody said this, and I love this. I wish I could remember where I heard it, but it was, you are worth getting to know. If you were going to go on a date with somebody, you wouldn't expect by the end of the first date to know everything that there is to know about the person. You would give yourself grace to learn more about them little by little. Give yourself the same grace, okay? Give yourself the same grace, and it's okay to take your time. I'm just giving you an assignment to pay attention to those indicators. What takes you way above your watermark of okay? What has you well below your watermark of okay? And what things, good and bad, do you need to adjust to bring you back to equilibrium? What are your indicators? And if you don't know, it's okay to figure it out. Okay. I love it. All right. Now, time. In order to get to your indicators, you are going to have to set some boundaries on your time. There's no way to pay attention to your life if you have no time. You have to build in margin to be still. My favorite time to do this— you've probably heard me talk about this before— my favorite time to do this is first thing in the morning, because even if your phone is not off first thing in the morning, it should be a lot quieter than it is the rest of the day. Okay, so I would encourage that. Maybe it's late at night, maybe it's at lunchtime, maybe it's when your kids are asleep for nap. Maybe it's in a quiet car on the way home from work. But the point is, find a time, put some boundaries around at least one time during the day, right? When you can just listen, listen to you, listen to the Holy Spirit, listen to your soul, listen, know your indicators. That's point one. Point 2, once you realize that you're above or below the watermark, and I see you, Rhonda, as you're watching, she said, I have been drowning. And I bet as you're watching this, there are some of you that are feeling the exact same way. The reason why this is even a topic is because I've been feeling this way and I had to dissect, I had to break down what got me here and what can get me back. Uh, Debbie, that's what I did yesterday. I took a drive to go see a sunset. I just needed to clear my head. Um, and it's okay to do these things. It's, it's not— there's nothing wrong. There's no shame in doing what it takes once you realize that your indicators are out of whack. All right, so what do you do when you don't have peace? Here's what I want to give you. First of all, you can master peace even if your circumstances don't change. A lot of people don't think they can have peace until they get out of that marriage, until they change their job, until they lose the weight, until they move to that new house, until they get out of that part of town. You are the gatekeeper for your peace. Let me say that again. You, as in you, me, myself, and I, we are the gatekeepers of our peace. We invite peace in, we let peace out. We are the ones who guard the gate. Now, I'm not saying that sometimes that gate isn't hard to hold But what I'm telling you is you are the gatekeeper. Even the peace of the Bible, the peace that passes all understanding, that the Holy Spirit brings peace, that there is no confusion in God and that he is a God of peace, right? Even that, you are the gatekeeper because you get to decide how much of God, how much of the Spirit of God you allow into your life. You, you guard your peace. I can't say that enough. You are the guardian of your peace. If the world is getting torn up around you, you can have peace. You want to know why? Because the peace is from the inside out. It's not from the outside in. So if there is a whirl of stuff around you, yes, calm it down. Yes, get people outside of your yard. Yes, close the gate. But if the world is getting torn up around you, your peace comes from the inside. It comes from the inside. And you can look at everything swirling and decide that you are okay. You can. So get still, go for a drive, go for a walk, take a nap, go sit somewhere. Uh, you know, we live close to a couple of coffee shops. Get up early in the morning so you're not distracted by the laundry. Make your cup of coffee in your house or go get your cup of coffee at a Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks or Panera. And just sit for 15 minutes. Watch the steam rise off of your drink and taste it. Now, a lot of people, you know, get all weirded out, you know, and everybody— sometimes I get an email or two, they're like, Chrystal, you know, that what you were saying sounds kind of New Age. But here's the thing, there's nothing that people say in the world that God has not already said. There's nothing that people can say that God has not already said. God told us over and over again in the Bible to be still and know that I am God. God tells us over in the Bible to meditate on his word. That's what Psalm 119 is all about, being still, to just absorb what's in front of you. It's called being present. It's something that my mother talked about a lot, being present. On her Instagram, she would hashtag being present all the time, deciding to be still and to notice the wind on your face, to notice the sun in your eye, to notice the blades of grass moving in your yard, to notice the steam rising off of your drink, to notice the words of the song that's playing in the background in the restaurant or in the, in the shop that you're in right now. To move slower, and take things in for where you are right now. To drive with the radio off and the windows down. To sit. Remember when you were a kid, you'd be in the car, there was nothing to do but look out of the window. Now we have to be intentional about forcing presence. Tana says, I went into the driving range on Friday and hit some golf balls. That was relaxing for me because I was outside. And you want to know what was relaxing about that? In order to hit that ball, you had to focus. Being present means slowing down. And getting somewhere where you just notice what's in front of you. Sit in silence, watch a show alone, ride in a car with no noise, take a hiatus from commitments for a short period of time, look for ways to make small changes for more stillness added. You know, the term in corporate America is value added. We want to add value. Well, here we want to add stillness, okay? Being present in the moment. And it is often not until you get still that you'll realize what's out of whack. Many of us have heard of an elimination diet, that in order to figure out what you're eating that you're allergic to, you have to cut out all the things and then slowly add them back so that you notice what tipped the scale. Going on an elimination diet in your life is one of the keys to living with peace, to protecting your peace, to take out all of the things that you can take out, as many of the things as you can take out. So don't go to choir rehearsal for 2 weeks. Maybe on a Sunday, have a day where you're quiet and watch the replay later for church. Uh, maybe that you, you are, you are not gonna do some of your household chores. You're not gonna do the whole house cleaning thing this Saturday. You're going to opt to say, you know what? It's probably okay. I'm going to wipe down my kitchen counters and call it a day. Um, and I'm going to spend the rest of this time doing something different, going for a bike ride. I'm going to take out certain things so I can realize what is actually tipping the scale. And when you treat your life like a life that can have allergic reactions, because that's what anxiety is, it is an allergic reaction to things in your life that shouldn't be, or too much of things in your life. I went one time to get tested for allergies and realized I was allergic to Bermuda grass. And I said, I've never been allergic to Bermuda grass. And she said, well, allergies develop, and often you did not have an allergy until you had so much of something in your life and it overwhelmed your systems. And an allergy is your body saying, we can't take any more of that. Jackie Henry says, y'all, I'm trying to find my peace with this banging of our house repairs and the neighbor's new pool installation. Sometimes it's right outside your door. Pamela says, I need to exercise, uh, but I do not go to gym, so walking will work. Find another way. Find another way. Because here's what I can tell you: things that are in your life, if there's too much of anything, you will have anxiety. That is the allergic reaction to too much of anything. In your mind, in your body, in your heart, in your soul, and your body, all of its systems, not just the psychological, emotional, mental systems, but your physical systems respond. And that's where physical panic attacks come in because your body is saying, I'm overwhelmed right now. Your physical body responds to what's happening in your brain. Okay. All right. I went to see the dentist because I was experiencing some discomfort. Um, I wasn't able to eat chocolate-covered almonds without pain. My tooth issue was disrupting my peace. The dentist made some adjustments to my tooth. I had a change in my bite because of what some work that I'd had done. And he said, if your bite is not what it's supposed to be, everything's going to bring pain because you're going to have pressure in places that you shouldn't have pressure and the pain that you're feeling may be because we need to make an adjustment on your bite. I don't need to change your teeth. I don't need to take anything out. I don't need to put anything in. I do need to make an adjustment on what's already there because I know you're trying to get back to your dark chocolate covered almonds and I want to help you in that, except that's not what he really said. But I need to make an adjustment so that when you come down on this thing in your life, that is going to be in your life, Chrystal Hurst, no matter what I tell you, these are going to be in your life. It won't bring you too much pressure or pain. Some of you just need an adjustment. You're drinking too much milk, too much cheese, too much meat, too much salt, too much bread, too much gluten. But some of y'all have too much work. You have too much pressure. You have too much pain, emotional pain that's not dealt with. You have too much accessibility. Your kids don't need to call your name all the time, all day long for any and everything. You have too many decisions that you're making. You don't need to decide every night what you're having for dinner. Make a menu plan. You have too much weight. And that really is affecting your body, mind, and soul. You have too much dissension. Sometimes if your spouse picks an argument, you don't have to engage. You have too many opinions in your life. So you're trying to decide between all the opinions that you're receiving. You have too much information. Sometimes Google is not the best thing. Too much time awake. You need more sleep. Make adjustments. You can learn what to adjust in your life, but I had to stop my life and I waited a long time, y'all. I'm not a pain pill popping person, but I was taking an aspirin a day to ward off the pain of the pressure. And finally I had to say, even though I don't want to make the time to go to the dentist, Uh, I'm gonna have to make this space in my life to go to relieve the pressure and pain that I'm feeling, to get a solution. I'm gonna have to go and be still so that he can make an adjustment. Here's what I'm trying to tell you. If you don't make the adjustment, if you don't whittle things back to figure out what to add back slowly so that you are okay, you will always be walking around feeling the pressure, feeling the pain. And then doing things to compensate for that that really aren't good for you. You weren't meant to live like that. Leslie said, stretch in the morning, breathe in the morning. 5 seconds inhale, hold 5 seconds, 5 seconds exhale. Power. It really is that simple. It really is finding time to be still. Okay, all right, y'all, how do you establish and set new bound— bound— boundaries? So the first thing, let's, let's review. The first thing is you need to be able to recognize your indicators. The second thing is you need to take action to invite stillness into your life, right? And then in order to do that and to move forward with what the knowledge that you've gained in the stillness with the help, with the conversation with a friend, with the counselor, with just being quiet for a few minutes in the morning. Once you've gotten that information, the elimination diet has taught you what you're allergic to. Okay, now what do you do to establish new rhythms, new boundaries in your life so that ongoingly you can protect your peace? Uh, Jaquita Maiden said, I have made adjustments of simply saying no to things and meaning it. Yes, yes. Okay, although you can't get rid of everything because we do have to work, we do have to cook, we do have to be married, we do have to take care of our kids, we do have our jobs, we want to be involved in our church, we want to, you know, we got to get dressed, we got to do laundry. Even though you can't get rid of everything in your life, you do have the power to set limits. So right now I'm totally in control of my children's devices. They hate me right now. I don't care. So, um, we have turned everything off except their phone, their texts. Um, my— one of my sons has Alexa, so I've turned on Amazon so you can have Alexa. Um, the job— the app for his job so he can know what hours he's been scheduled for. Like, total utilitarian. No Safari, no Google Chrome. No games, no Discord, no nothing until I turn it back on, because I'm choosing to set boundaries for our family as it relates to our connectedness to the world. And it's amazing what happens when I control that for them. Now, the goal is not to control that all the time. You know, the goal is for them to do that eventually themselves. But because we had a free-for-all over the holidays, uh, we're trying to rein it in. It's like when you're trying to rein it in and after you've had a free-for-all with your diet and you have to establish new boundaries. And sometimes the best thing that I can do for myself when it comes to food is do a juice cleanse for 3 days to reset my palate. And so that's what I've been doing with my family. Um, and that's what we need to do for ourselves. You step back as far as you can and then you come back and you say, All right, now what am I going to allow back in and what am I going to keep out? Okay, the boundaries— and this is why you're the gatekeeper— that does not lie. This is not the job of other people. This is your job. You hold the keys, okay? You hold the keys. So you want to try to figure out how you can limit friction in your life. The friction— you can communicate what you need, what you don't need. You can compromise, right? And you can connect. So you can communicate, you can compromise, and you can connect, especially as it relates to the people in your life. We expect our husbands, our children, our sisters, our mothers, our co-workers just to know, and then we get irritated. We come back from a weekend, we're all rested. It's Martin Luther King, y'all, we're off work, all these different things, and then we are afresh. They have not changed. So when we come back, their tendency is going to be to pull us back into whatever they were used to us doing and being engaged in before. So you have to communicate. I have had to, and I mean, I'll be honest, my husband has not been happy about it. There have been times when I've said, I would really love to talk to you about this. I, can we do it another time? Because I really, if I do it now, it's going to totally alter the rhythm of my day. If it's an emergency, I don't mind. If it's not, can it wait? And sometimes he's like, "Sure." And sometimes he's like, "Ugh." I am the keeper of my peace. My children have a million questions. And I tell them when I walk in the door, I understand now why, you know, back in the day when it was customary for most women, when their husbands got home for him to go and sit in his chair and then he got served, he took off his shoes, 'Cause when you've worked all day, you need a minute. I walk in the door, the kids have a million questions, and I just tell them, "I need a minute." When I walk in the door, the first thing should not be all the things that you need from me. When I walk in the door, it should be, "Hi, Mom. How did things go today? Do you need anything? Can I take your bag for you?" So when I walk in the door and they start rattling off all their questions, I say, I just put up my finger. Now I don't even have to say anything. I just put up my finger. I just walked in the door and they know what that means. I had a boss in my last corporate job, a really wonderful woman, but we had a very stressful job. And that stress often came out of her mouth and was directed to me. I was in my mid-20s. I didn't know what to do. I just knew the way she was talking to me and the words that she was using were not appropriate for me. It was very stressful for me. So I had to communicate, which took a lot of balls, you know, and I'm a girl, I don't have balls, but I had to get balls that day. It took a lot of balls for me to say to my boss, Ms. So-and-so, I know that this job is really stressful and I know that I'm here And it's easy for that to come out. And I know that you're not intending to direct it to me, but you are. And I would really appreciate it if, you know, I don't mind being here for the frustration, but for it not to be directed to me and for it, you know, for you to not use offensive language. You know, I don't want to offend you by asking for this. I just, I love my job, but this brings a level of stress. That I'm not wired to handle. And so, you know, could you please make an effort to not direct all of that at me? Did she do it perfectly from that day forward? No. Did she do better? Yes. Because I communicated with her and that was a part of my compromise. Just because you tell the world what you need, that does not mean the world's going to give it to you. So the compromise is, you know, I saw her efforts, but I also went to lunch every day. Nobody else in that office went to lunch. I went to lunch every day. I was like, y'all gonna work like this and I'm going to work here. And this is a high stress environment, but I'm going to leave every day and go to lunch. It's only a 30-minute lunch. I'm not going to go far. I may go sit in my car. I may take a 15-minute nap, but every day while I'm continuing to work here, I'm going to go take a lunch. I also got there early. So before the craziness of the day, I could prepare my mind and my heart, have my devotions, clear desk, all of these things. Um, and then connecting, connecting in other ways with things that worked for me. I closed my door and I turned on music. I had a little speaker brought to work with me because connecting with me and the environment that I needed in the midst of all that was swirling around me helped me not only to protect my peace, it also helped me to produce my peace. Okay, and I'm not the only person. Um, you know, Kimberly says, I literally had to have this conversation with one of my bosses before, uh, before the holiday. It was so hard to tell her, but it was so necessary. Listen, it is so necessary for you to be the guardian of your peace and for you to set the boundaries. So you have to communicate. You may have to compromise. You can't dictate to the world what they're going to do. That will bring a whole nother level of stress when you assume that just because you said it, they're going to do it. They're not, but they may do better. And then you got to figure out how to connect with the things that make life work for you so that you're cultivating peace on the inside of you no matter what. No matter what. Okay. Yes, boundaries are healthy. Okay. Um, the girls that work in the office, I've, I've had to tell some of them, go home. You got small kids, go home. You got your husband, go home. And they look at me, they're like, we have so much work to do. I'm like, mm-hmm, what are you working on? Sometimes we do, we work late, we work hard. Um, but then I've said go home. Um, they've started actually getting out of the office and walking around. Get out, get some sun. We're working on that. It is, it is work sometimes, especially if you love your job. It is work if you love your kids. It is work if you love your church. It is work to peel yourself back from the things that you enjoy doing to connect with who you are when you are just being. So the first thing, y'all, is you got to pay attention to your indicators. The second thing is you got to figure out what are the things that you can, that you can do to better connect to you. The third thing is you've got to establish some boundaries for people around you and for you yourself when you will shut things down, when you will turn things off, when you will go to bed, how much sleep you will get, when Do Not Disturb is on on your phone, when you will open up your computer, what time you will eat, what you will eat, how much water you will drink, how much coffee you will drink, because we know that caffeine does not help with the anxiety and the peaceful feeling. Here's my water for the day, not my caffeine. Um, you may want the house to be tidy at 8, but maybe your husband likes to snack after dinner. Okay, communicate. Baby, listen, I know that you like to rummage through the fridge after I've cleaned up the kitchen, but when I've cleaned up the kitchen, it's so stressful to me to come back here and you've left the wrapper or you've left the drink or you've left this whatever. You've communicated. Okay, the compromise. Here's the compromise. The compromise may mean maybe you don't clean up the kitchen after 8. Maybe the compromise is he's going to clean up the kitchen after 8. He's not going to clean it like you're going to clean it, but maybe it keeps you from coming back. It gets you in your shutdown and it makes him feel free to do what he needs to do. Compromise. Connection. What do you really want? You want a clean kitchen. So what you're going to do is decide when you're going to clean it. And between then and that time, maybe you decide compromise. I clean it in the morning. I do my clean first thing in the morning. And between the time that, uh, the evening when the kitchen shuts down and the time in the morning when I actually come in to finish it up, I'm connecting with doing the things that I love and not thinking about the state of the kitchen. Communicate. Compromise, connect. You can do some things in your life to protect your peace. You're not going to know what those things are unless you first pay attention to your mind and your body indicators, your brain and your body. Then you slowly add things back, figuring out how— what you can do to bring yourself back to your watermark, to your place of equilibrium. And then you have to establish new boundaries so you're not constantly running past your established boundaries that are good for you. This is why it's important to know God, to pray, to read his word, because it centers you outside of your circumstances. Okay, if you are able to know that the plumb line for you is the peace that God gives, the peace that passes all understanding, that craziness is erupting around you and you on the inside are okay— that's what God's word will do for you. That's what being still in the presence of God will do for you. That's what memorizing scripture will do for you. That's what, what, what talking to God all throughout your day will do for you. It will remind you of your watermark because it's a watermark he has provided for you. There are books that have been written about boundaries over and over again. Henry Cloud has written Boundaries, Boundaries for Leaders, Boundaries for Marriages, all these different things. So I want you to— even Necessary Endings. I want you to do the work. If you know, you don't know how to set boundaries, you know, you don't know how to say no, but protecting your peace starts with your person. It starts with you as an individual deciding that your spiritual, mental, emotional wellness is worth the effort. That anxiety does not have to be your story, at least not at the level maybe you've grown accustomed to dealing with it. It does not have to be your story. You can do some things to protect your peace, but you do have to make room to pay attention to you. You do have to make room to pay attention to your body and your brain. You do have to know what are the things that work for me? Music, a candle, a walk, a drive, a massage, a day off. You do have to pay attention. And then you've got to, uh, you've got to establish boundaries of what you are and are not going to eat, what you are and are not going to absorb, who you are and are not going to be around, who is and who is not good for you, where, what the message is that you do and do not need to receive. And here's what I believe. I believe that when you walk with this mindset, it's my job to be the gatekeeper of my soul. It's my job to protect my peace, that I get to allow that, that, that while there's a lot of things I can't control, there's a lot of things that I invite into my personal space that doesn't have to be this close. And I need margin around me. You have the power to do that. Um, Create Income Coach says, yes, Chrystal Hurst, people respect boundaries when we set them. It's true. If you don't feel like people respect your boundaries, the question is, what are the boundaries that you set? Okay. Tracy said, this is so necessary for me. I'm going to have to replay this talk. Listen, why you tripping? I may have to replay this talk. Lola said, I'm having an ongoing conversation with my daughter about the kitchen sink. So you can— thank you, Rose, for repeating this— you can communicate, you can compromise, and you can connect. You can continue to connect with you in the midst of your communication and compromise with other people. So I would love to know, I would love to know as you're watching this, uh, you can comment, uh, if you're watching this on the replay, if you're watching this live, you can share with me. Those of you who are watching the original recording, Inner Circle, I would love for you to answer this question. What is your one takeaway from this talk? What is the one thing that you can do to bring your stress levels down, to, um, protect your peace, to battle anxiety, What is your one thing after listening that you're like, I've got to do this differently. I've got to do this differently because my peace is mine to, to have. It's mine to hold. It's mine to protect. I can't blame my lack of peace on anybody else. I've got to know what brings me peace. I've got to establish those boundaries. I've got to eliminate all the things and then slowly rebuild and then live at a pace that I can maintain. Establishing boundaries to keep things in order. Okay, Desiree said, I use this saying with my husband and friends all the time. I have my days, but the majority of the time I turn— I have a turn-off time. I always protect my peace. Okay, Lydia says, I'm in control of my peace. Zara says, identify the triggers, determine the emotional state in order to address it. Sherelle says, Be unashamed for choosing me. Dolores says, set boundaries. Everett said, I've got to understand my water level. Datina said, let people be people and protect my peace. Mm-hmm. Love this. The Sweet Life of Stephanie, acknowledge my indicators. Okay. I love this. Becky Alexander, I need to be able to identify my triggers and respond. Yes, Miss Sheila, take a nap. Take a nap. Speak up for yourself, Candace says, and continue to do that. And, um, to speak up for myself regarding my boundaries. Okay, this is great. This is great. Rose says, I am the gatekeeper of my peace. Yes, very good. Very good. So here is your assignment. If you are watching, your assignment is today. This is the, this is the assignment today. Okay, today. Sharon said boundaries protect my peace, unplug my phone, identify my triggers. Today you need to identify one thing, just one, that is getting in the way of your peace? What is creating the fight or flight syndrome in your brain and in your body? What is getting your attention? What is derailing you from what you had planned to do? What is shocking you? What is taking you off track? What is doing that? Eliminate it. But you don't have to go that far today. Your main assignment is to just create the space to pay attention. Anxiety, while it is a part of our feedback mechanism, it's a God-given thing to let us know something's not right. If we are living there, we're choosing to live there. Diana said, this is a confirmation of a choice I made recently. I'm not doing any extra teaching duties. I'm recovering from COVID and I have other health situations. Well, I'm glad you're recovering, Diana, and I'm glad that this confirmation of a decision that you already made. Jennifer said, I'm turning the news off. Yes, 100%. Okay, so she said, uh, my husband, but I can't eliminate him. No, you cannot eliminate him. However, because I know a husband is a big one, I know a husband is a big one for a lot of us. However, you can set tones You can set tones because you can communicate, right? Let's just say that your spouse makes a lot of noise going to bed and doing all the things. You just want to go to bed. You can communicate. I am a better person in all the ways when I'm rested and I can't get rested when it takes me forever to fall asleep. Would you please, would you mind doing it this way or doing it at this time or doing whatever? Just saying it works. That's all I'm saying. So a lot of stop watching the news. Uh-huh. Identify, Eileen Odom says, and make adjustments. Yes. Keisha says, I'm going to brain dump and leave it there. That is magical. Brain dumping is a magical activity. Uh, take a piece of paper, a piece of copy paper, do it in your 90-day planner if you've got that from the store. Listen, get it all out of your head. Stop the swirl. Stop the swirl. Love that. Thank you for bringing that up, Keisha. Monitor your phone, uh, usage. You are the protector of your peace. Anxiety does not have to be your story. Um, and if you on your own still need help with anxiety, go get it. Go get it. Don't live like that. Don't apologize for taking a walk. Don't apologize for being still. Don't apologize for getting rest or getting sleep. And don't apologize for calling your pastor. Don't apologize for seeking assistance with a mentor. Don't apologize Don't apologize for, um, getting a counselor, seeing a therapist. Don't apologize. It's your job to live your life well, and you are the only person who can ensure that you do. I hope this has been helpful to you. Watch it again if you need it. And at the end of this video, here's what I want you to do. If you don't do anything else, take a deep breath, Just one. And then if you need 2, 3, 4, 5 more of those, do that. Be present. Be grateful for your life. The fact that God has given you life and then decide what you are going to do with your very one precious life that you have to live today. All right, y'all. See you next time.