Real Talk About Relationships: Being Single

We are talking today about being single. We're talking about being single because I did a podcast not too long ago with a friend of mine, and she is a little bit more mature in age. And while everybody thought that podcast was great, I had some ladies ask me, can you please talk about living single with people that are a little younger? So these are my friends. We all go to church together. In fact, we are taping in our church right now. Hope I don't get in trouble for that. But anyway, let me introduce you to my friends. So I'll start with my friend on the right.

Hello, I am Emerald. I am 33 years old and I am happily single.

Are you really?

Yeah, I actually am.

Now I am. We'll talk about that later. OK. All right.

My name is Venetta. I am 43 and I am hanging in there single.

Tell the truth, shame the devil. I love it. All right.

I am D. Hart and I'm 41 and I'm happily single.

Okay.

I'm Danielle and I'm 32, also happily single.

Okay. All right, so first question. Okay, so I asked them all to be honest, to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God. And, um, so I hope you do that. On a scale of 1 to 10, you kind of alluded, but on a scale of 1 to 10 If 10 is happily single and 1 is I want to shoot myself, where are you?

I would say I'm an 8. I would say an 8.

Okay, I would agree. I am an 8.

You're an 8.

Okay.

I would say today I'm an 8.

You're an 8. Okay, and when you say today, because?

Well, you know, it just kind of fluctuates. I think it depends on just kind of what you got going on in your life and All right, many things like that. It just depends, but today I'm good.

Okay.

All right. Um, I'm gonna go for 10.

Oh, come on.

I'm gonna go for 10.

And how old are you again?

32.

Okay. All right. Go for 10. So on a scale of 1 to 10, you all are above a 5, which—

Yeah, man.

Okay. So tell me why.

Okay.

No, no, no, no, no. Tell me, have you always been there?

Absolutely not.

Okay, so what helped you? Where were you? Like, if you had to think back to a point in time, pick another number and then say, you know what, this is what I learned that's helped me now to be 8, 10, whatever you said.

Okay, I would say this year, solemn assembly.

I, uh, what is solemn assembly?

Okay, solemn assembly is, um, what would you say, a fast that our church does at the beginning of the year. And it's for, yes, a week-long fast, and you just rededicate yourself to the Lord. You set aside some time each day where you're going to meet with him. You also give up something. It's not— it doesn't have to necessarily be food, but you— so you just sacrifice that something, and in place of that, you spend time with the Lord. So mine this year was electronics, any Facebook, electronics, social media, social— yes, all things like that. And I just use that time to spend with the Lord, and the Lord revealed, um, that my heart wasn't fully his. And so What I had to do was then kind of revisit different areas of my life that weren't his and then just get those areas together, get them right.

I didn't do it.

He did it.

And—

What do you mean? You had to revisit areas? Give me an example of an area that wasn't his.

OK. Oh.

Yep.

Keeping it real.

No, OK. My mind. It can go.

Yes.

Romans 12:1-2, oh, I literally have to really keep my— really recite that, regurgitate it, meditate on it a lot. Because what happens is, let that song come on if it wants to, you're kind of going back to your old way of life. And so even to the point where I had to get rid of some people in my life.

And— Like just this January.

Just this January, I had to step back. And when I say every area, friends, music, movies, things I talk about, um, being in God's word more. I had to do that. And if I wanted to make this change and give myself wholeheartedly to the Lord, I knew this— I knew that— I knew, I knew— excuse me— I knew I had to make those changes, visit those areas.

And so, and so you feel that making him a priority—

yes—

changed the level of your satisfaction?

Yes.

And you have to, because if you're focused on And I always hear people say, "Don't focus on it, don't do this." But it's not that you don't focus on that, but you have to refocus. Refocus and get your mind on the Lord and what he has for you. What does he have for me to do right now? I know we always hear it, it's always a cliché, you know, "Get busy in the Lord." But it honestly is true because you don't wanna, I don't wanna miss this time with the Lord. It's so precious. You know, if we don't maximize it where he has me now, And what you do today, it does impact tomorrow. It is for tomorrow. And if you don't maximize that time now, you're not going to be prepared, or you will miss something. You really will. And so I literally had to step back and look at everything in my life, even work, with the kids. I mean, seriously, I know it has nothing to do with it.

You're a teacher.

One day. Yes, I am a teacher. And one day, I'm going to have kids of my own. Well, I plan to. And so how do I deal with them, and my attitude? And I mean, it all goes together. So I don't want to take that.

Okay, so let's stick with that for just a second.

Okay.

Have you all found that to be true, that the more you are focused on what God is doing in you, or you paying attention to what God wants you to do, that it raises the level of your satisfaction?

Yes. I agree.

Okay, so if it's that easy, why do you think so many single women struggle?

They don't make that up. You have to cognizantly make yourself change your mind. So if you have, you know, you have thoughts, you know, of a relationship, of a person, if you see relationships or your friends or whatever, it's very easy to go down the road of, oh, I wish I had, oh, I, you know, I wish it was me. But instead of going there, you have to stop yourself. You probably have to literally talk to yourself and say, no, that's not where we're going. You know, I tell myself all the time, you know what, God is enough for you.

God is with me. You're saying when you feel like it's not enough, tell yourself, "He is." Yes, I verbally tell myself. You're the lady talking to herself in the back.

Yes, yes, yes. A full conversation. I have preached. I have put my own finger in my face. But you do, you kind of have to— that's those things where you have to be very literal and very aggressive with it because if not, the enemy really takes over your mind and you just go down the road and you think of something silly as simple as a song or, you know, a relationship or friend telling you about something they did with their, you know, spouse or boyfriend, and before you know it, your mind is gone. So you have to tell yourself, you know what, I'm good. You know, the Lord is enough for me. He has made himself very well known to me. He has made it— made me know that I am important to him first before I can be important to anyone else.

You know, in addition to what, uh, Renetta was saying, I think intentionality is what it comes down to.

Intentionality doing what?

As far as, uh, like she was saying and like Emerald was saying, just focusing on the Lord, him being your priority above, above everything, and just making the choice to be content in the season that we're in. I mean, it's a choice.

It's a choice.

We really do have to make a decision. Okay, so do that.

I'm hard-headed. I'm almost slow. So when you say I have to make a choice to be content. So contentment sounds like a feeling. How do you choose a feeling? When someone says, okay, I hear what you're saying, but I mean, I know I'm supposed to be content, I'm not, I'm not feeling content, then how would you answer that? How do you intentionally—

I think for me it has to do with not veering to the right or to the left, not looking at what other people are doing and staying there, being obsessed with it.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

It's kind of like, you know, not to go way back to the Bible, but you know, with Eve, you know, focusing on that one tree, she couldn't—

the one, the one.

You focused on the one, really? And so just, um, like I said, just being intentional about what we are able to do as single women. And what a great life it is. And, um, you know, it is a beautiful life. It is, uh, in many instances I feel it's the preferred life. You know, there are many times where I'm thankful to be single. I am, you know, I'm not knocking marriage. You know, one day hopefully that'll be my testimony. But, um, but there are times when I'm grateful to be single.

Yes.

Okay, so Uh, I feel not, actually. Sorry about that. I'm like, uh, okay, so why— let's talk about the reasons. Start with Danielle. Why, uh, do sometimes you feel that singlehood is preferred? Why are you like, oof, I'm glad I'm single?

Um, well, for starters, after we finished the Finding Your Destiny Serious here. I felt like I had way too much to do to even concentrate on anything else. So once I completed that and I figured out what God was asking me to do, it was like that went so far to the back burner that, you know, it's kind of like, you know, if I met someone today, it would be great, but I'm focused on this. So it's just been so like a laser focus for for me that I do prefer where I am right now, just because I'm, I'm able to get more things done and really focus on what the Lord has asked me to do. And not saying that, you know, that's not the case for married people, but I know me, I'm easily distracted, very easily distracted. And so, um, that, that helped me to stay focused.

So, okay, so let's talk for a second about, um, the reality of being single in the sense that, you know, none of you guys are 20, right? So I'm sure you've had moments where you're like, okay, I thought by now, I thought by now. Or you're looking around and you said, okay, I see guys, but none of these guys am I interested in, or they may be interested in me and I don't want them to be. Um, how do you deal when you have those moments where even though you're spending your energy, you're being intentional, and you're focusing on what God has for you, when that moment hits, okay? And even though I hear you, you're saying, God, you're more than enough, you're talking to yourself, you're getting busy, all that. Do you feel as if, you know, okay, maybe this isn't gonna happen for me, and are you okay if it never happens? Let me ask you that today. I know you're supposed to be. I'm saying today, if I could tell you today, You know what, marriage is just not in the cards for you at all. How would you feel about that today?

You know, I know I've had that conversation with God. And you know, I've just, in those moments when it's just, when the reality of that is like, this really could be my life, just being single. And you know, and I just have to say to God, and I have said to God, you know, Lord, I'm, you know, I'm not my own. You know, my life is his, you know, and if this is it, this is great. And it's not a substandard life. It's not a lesser life. It's just different. It's just different. And I just have to adjust to that. So there, I mean, you know, and it's real, it's been some real solemn times where I'm like, I really hope it ain't, but, but I mean, you know, I'm saying to you, I'm yours, and it's true, and I do believe that, and I truly, wholeheartedly believe that. But just getting real with him and just saying, if this is it, God, okay, I'm good with it. I really am.

But what I hear you also saying is that you say that too, but that you also are having some real conversations with God about how you feel about it.

Yeah, absolutely.

And at the end, you're I submit if this is what you have, that's fine, but I want you to hear me. This is not my preference. Do any of you prefer to stay single?

No.

No.

Okay.

I feel like when you were saying, asking us if it wasn't meant for us to be married, but I still have the desire. If I didn't have a desire, then it would change a lot of things, but I still have the desire to be married. So that's what I hold on to.

If it's the—

and if it's the Lord's will, like you said, if it is, it is. If it isn't, then I'm gonna need you to change some stuff, Lord.

Yeah, that's my prayer. Seriously, I mean, that's my prayer literally.

Yeah.

Okay, if, if marriage is not for me, you know, my prayer has always been saying, you know, Lord, I would like to be a wife and a mother, but if, if that is not what you want from me, then you have to change that in me because I can't say that I'm I am just gonna say, okay, it will be done because it's something I do desire. So then, Lord, change my desire to what you need it to be so that I can walk and do what you need me to do and be at peace with it. Because at the end of the day, you know, we're promised peace wherever, what, no matter our lives, we're promised peace. So if I am going to be single, then peace, peace with it.

What is the worst thing that other people— what are the types of things that other people say to you?

Oh Lord.

About you being single that just drive you crazy.

What is wrong with you?

Do they really say that to you?

Something must be wrong with you.

No, something is wrong with you.

You know?

Well, really?

Oh yes, someone has said, you are 40-some years old, you're single, you've never been married, you don't have any kids, something must be wrong. Thanks. Okay.

Yeah, I think for me it's the questions, like, from family that are like, when are you gonna have kids?

And when you go—

and I'm like, I mean, I mean, if you know somebody, I will meet them.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know the answers to those questions. So the questions that you get asked that you don't have the answers to. So just like dumb questions, basically.

And I think it's just questions that make you feel you are less than. When you're kind of trotting along and you're good and, you know, when life is well and you're feeling content, and then you kind of start to second-guess yourself, you do kind of double back and go, wait a minute, maybe it's something, you know, you start wrong with me. Yeah, I mean, when before you, you would not have thought that, but when you do have those questions I know there have been times where I have kind of just got to my gap before God and go, is there something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? You know, so yeah.

Okay, so okay, let's think back for a second. What do you feel like— I don't think we— none of us can say there's something wrong with us because married or single, there's something wrong with you. There's a little cray cray. And I mean, I mean, I remember I told my husband when we were dating, I just said, you know, there's just some parts of me I just don't know that you wanna, you know, you don't wanna know. And after we got married, he was like, well, you told me, I can't say you didn't tell me. So I do think that, but I do also see that just as a, in the course of my maturity in Christ, you know, some of it may be relationally through my marriage, there are some things that God has developed in me What would you say God has developed in you?

Gosh. Like, if you had to pick one thing and you're like, you know what?

Let me ask this different. If you had gotten married 10 years ago— no, you ain't got married. If you had gotten married 10 years ago, what can you look back and say, you know what, God, if I were to get married tomorrow, I'm glad I've grown from that? What could you put your finger on and say, you know what? I'm glad I've learned this.

Perspective.

Explain what you mean.

Typically, most people, when you see something before you, you take it as it is instead of taking a minute, taking time, just kind of pulling back and observing what's happening. And from a lot of my married friends, I hear them say, you pray You know, you have to pray.

As a married person?

As a married person.

You know why that is?

So that you don't pop off.

Yes, yes.

Okay?

Yeah, so that you don't pop off. You're like, I gotta say something to somebody. I can't say what I need to say right now to you, so let me just— Yes, it is true.

Yeah, so, you know, and then for as now, you know, I would just pop off and this is why you've said this or done this, whereas now I can pull back and take it to the perspective of What is this person going through? You know, what made this person say this? Did I do something? Just assess the situation before you just go into this thing. So just pull back and just take the perspective in and then go into whatever it is you need to do.

So you have—

you're less reactive.

Yes.

And you take your time with whatever you need to be proactive about.

Right.

Okay.

I think I've developed developed a reverence for marriage and a respect that I didn't have before. I think that if I would have gotten married in my 20s, honestly, I think I would be divorced by now because I didn't have that respect for marriage.

Meaning if it was not going well, you think you would have been like, I'm about—

look, people grow apart, you know, two good people. No, I mean, really, that's just how I felt about it. And I was like, you know, people— two good people, even Christian people, we can grow apart, and if you're not happy, I'm not happy, let's just call it quits.

Yeah, right.

But now I have the mindset that I would fight for it and not just be based on emotion, you know. It's, it's, it is a covenant, and I understand what that means. And so I understand that it's hard work even with the right person.

So, okay.

All right.

I would say it's kind of like that. But in my 20s, it was with whoever I could get with, we were gonna make it happen. Now I am very selective about who I let in because everybody doesn't have the same reverence for the Lord as I have. And if we're going— I want my marriage to be built on a solid foundation, and I know that starts with us individually and then together. And so when I was 20, in my early 20s, that wasn't even— I mean, you know, you grow up and you go to church, it's just a tradition, right? And so because I have developed, and I'm still learning how to reverence the Lord and honor the Lord and walk with the Lord, I would want to— I want a man who does the same thing so that we come together, it's—

we're honoring him together.

It's not just an individual thing. And so that's what I've learned. And so I— that's a heavy one because I've seen marriages where they don't honor the Lord, and when it comes to the rocky things and whatever comes up in their marriage, they're not standing in the same place.

No, they aren't.

And it causes so much strife. It's— stuff is inevitable, gonna happen, inevitably gonna happen. So, you know, you just want to kind of be proactive, as Venetta said, in Christ, you know, in the things of Christ, so that when you do come against those things things, you know, you guys, you're ready.

Yeah, what about you?

Um, I've grown in assertiveness. Like, I'm still kind of quiet and reserved, but in my 20s I was more passive. And like, in dating relationships, for an example, I would just be like, uh, just roll with it, whatever is cool. Like, I wouldn't say what I wanted to do or what I— how I felt, and So I've grown in that area a lot, and I feel like if I had been married 10 years ago, I would have probably been in some kind of crazy situation that I shouldn't have been in because I was too passive.

I love that. Okay, if you could—

if—

okay, if you could create your perfect man—

we don't have time for that, Chrystal Hurst.

No.

All this, it's like in a legal case.

Number 78, he needs to be—

Okay, so hold on, let me finish the question. If you could create your perfect man, I want you to think about what your top 3 things for him would be. Just take a minute. What are your top 3 things that you would expect? Oh, and Being a Christian and loving the Lord is not one of them.

That's a given.

Top 3 things, just him, just specific to who he is. Okay, what would those 3 things be? Okay, and then what would that guy, what would his top 3 things be for you? Oh, okay, so if this is If he is who you're looking for, that guy, what would he be looking for from me? Does that make sense?

Mm-hmm, it does.

So how you can say it is, if he were A, B, and C, then I need to be 1, 2, and 3. Okay, wow. Because I think we spend a lot of time, married or single, looking this way and talking about what we need from you or what we hope you would do, right? Let me give you an example. So I have a thing where I hate, like it's a thing for me to have dirty fingers, like when people have had their fingers in ketchup or they picked up something and they put their hand on the fridge and it's just, you put your hand on the fridge on top of it, okay, so like it's a thing and around the house I'm constantly like, it's a thing and I'm kind of irritable about it and can you please, I mean it's just a thing So then today I was flipping on my phone and there was something crusty on the phone because I had eaten something and I didn't mean to. I wasn't trying to, whatever. And I was thinking, here I am berating people over— they're not intentionally doing it, and here I am doing the same thing, not intentionally doing it. I need to watch. I need to watch myself. You know, what is it? Get the log out of your own eye. So, okay, y'all get it. That was a side note. Silly example, but makes my point.

Alright, whoever wants to go first.

If you want him to be that, then I actually need to be that.

He has to be forgiving and compassionate. Can we make that one?

No.

Okay, so forgiving, really forgiving, compassionate, and this— okay, so let's have the person Personality-wise?

Anything, anything. Your top 3.

Oh gosh, okay.

You're like all 57 things. Yeah, that's the thing.

Okay, forgiving, um, a leader, and forgiving a leader. Trying to find something that just is an umbrella for everything else.

I know.

Uh, forgiving a leader and You know, fun. I would have to put fun in there. Yeah, fun, because I'm a fun person. So I would have to be forgiving. I would have to be forgiving too, because, you know, you can have expectations on people, and if they don't meet those areas, you can hold a grudge against them. So I would have to be forgiving as well. Compassionate, because we're both coming into the relationship with some baggage, and so when you, when you're bringing that stuff together, you know, you want to kind of to give a little grace. Exactly. So that's why I say compassion and fun, because I'm a fun person. I like to have fun, love to laugh, love to be silly. Um, so I feel like it, like, it'll lighten it, lighten the relationship.

So if that was the top 3, you, do you feel prepared for those things? Like, you feel like I'm ready to give those things?

Yes, as long as I can expect them.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, no, we don't all do that. We don't.

Yeah.

All right, let's go.

I would say supportive. And while I would like for him to be supportive, I have to be receptive to the support, to the support, because being 43, you become very self-supportive. And so I have to be willing to receive the support. And I think that I am. I know that I am. But when the rubber meets the road—

The practical part of it.

Letting him do it.

Letting him do it. So that's number one. The second thing I would say is fine. F-I-N-E. F-I-N-E. Well built.

We could have said that. Well built. I'm talking about the godly stuff.

No!

She said those things are assumed.

Those are assumed.

So fine. He has to be fine.

He has to be fine. And I'm going to make sure that I keep myself in order.

And you have. What if—

I mean, let's just be real.

Here we go, y'all.

Here we go. What if he shows up—

Oh, Lord Jesus. With a belly.

With a belly.

My God.

My God.

I'm going to look at the Lord and be like, really? So here's the thing, and it's not a deal breaker, right? It is not a deal breaker.

Okay.

Um, I would like some form of athleticism. Maybe it was in high school.

Interested in sports? Yeah.

You know, watches it. Watch it.

Hey, get into that.

Um, because I am athletic. Um, but it is preferred, but it is not a deal breaker. Okay, it is not a deal breaker.

Okay, um, would you marry somebody younger than you?

Yes.

How much younger?

About 6 years.

Okay, mid-30s.

Mid-30s. Yes, mid-30s. I can handle mid-30s.

It might be all right because then he can keep up with you.

Exactly, exactly.

He's probably fine. Okay, um, um, the third thing, um, I would have to say Have a personality. And let me say this, a flexible personality. Because I have a lot of personality. And if I'm 10, he may need to bring me down to 2. There should be a balance. And so I would definitely be willing and open to that, because I know I am probably 12 most days.

Alrighty. I would say a hard worker. I love a man who is not afraid to get his hands dirty and will do what he needs to do to support his family.

Let me ask you, does anybody have a problem marrying a blue-collar guy?

No. I would say also a great conversationalist. A conversationalist, someone who just knows how to talk, you know, can talk about things, a lot of different things. And I would also say kind of a comedian slash someone who doesn't sweat the small stuff.

Okay.

You know, um, not for me. I'd have to be someone who is receptive to, uh, just being submissive.

Why do we do that?

We say that word, we either roll our eyes or we do all this stuff.

The 20 years it was a cuss word. You know, yeah, just being yielding, just being that, you know, Dr. Evans uses that analogy with the Volkswagen versus the 18-wheeler, you know, when it's getting on the freeway and which one it has to yield, you know, it's not the bigger vehicle, it's the one who has the right of way, basically. And so just yielding, and that's tough because just One, because of my upbringing, and two, um, what do you mean my age, your upbringing? Well, I had a mom who was very independent. She raised three of us by herself, so she just went out and made it happen. Yeah, you know, so that's just kind of what was modeled in front of me. Um, I would say, I think Emerald used the word forgiving. I would have to be forgiving, um, because I think I tend to be more pessimistic Okay, all right.

Um, I shouldn't have went last because y'all said a lot. Okay, so I would say I would expect someone who is kind and, uh, giving, um, mainly because I'm spoiled.

Wow. Know yourself.

And I would say calm because I'm like a more anxious, nervous kind of person, so I need like a—

that's a balance.

Yeah, that's good that you know what you need.

Do y'all feel like you kind of know what you need?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

You have a good handle on that?

No, I don't know.

The Lord knows.

I mean, I feel like, you know, you know what you need by just experience, but like you said, the Lord knows what you really need. Yeah, so yeah, I kind of feel like, uh, only because, you know, in my family, like, my mom, she was divorced, and, you know, you have— you see so many marital problems. So now for me, it's like, that's why I said I have to be forgiving and not the expectation, because I'm not playing. Like, I've seen it where it's just, just not good. I'm so thankful for friends I see who get married, and the, the good relationships the Lord does expose me to. Because if not, I wouldn't have hope. There have been many times I'm like, Lord, no, I can't, because I'm not playing, right? You know me. But the Lord has a nice sense of humor where he can put you in some circumstances that'll kind of soften you up. But I still have that level of expectation for marriage, but not Not in terms of not compromising, that's what I mean. So I don't want to go in it like, I know, I don't know, I'm saying I don't want to compromise on a lot of things. Exactly.

And so, yeah, so, okay.

What are your personal boundaries? Um, I'm shifting. What are your personal boundaries, uh, as it relates to sex, as it relates to intimacy, as it relates to, um, just putting yourself in good places? What are your personal boundaries?

Like when dating?

Yes, dating, space, physical space, proximity, other people in proximity. Like, do you have boundaries that you're like, this is, this is what I do and how I do it?

I do, um, in the getting to know you phase, I'm very like, okay, that's enough, thank you. But, um, I do have a problem— I'm working on it. I'm like an overly affectionate person with people that I am comfortable with. Um, I annoy my mom a lot hugging her and sitting on her lap. Like, I'm like that with everybody. And so a guy told me a couple years ago that, um, that was too much for him, that I was too like—

that it was not good for him. Yeah.

And so I was like, what do you mean? I didn't, you know, but so I have to carry over like—

because you're thinking about your intentions, not necessarily the effect. I'm huggy, right?

And yeah, so when he told me that, I was like, oh, because I didn't even think that. I didn't even think of it at all. So I try to be, you know, just Just not like, if there's a movie or on a couch situation, just not being too comfy, you know, leaving before dark.

Hey, things change after dark.

Things change after dark.

Okay, anybody else?

You know, I don't put nothing past my flesh. Yeah. I just don't. I don't trust myself. So I think I tend to overcorrect as far as, you know, I think that just like Danielle was saying, in the beginning stages, there is kind of a distance.

And that's natural.

And that's natural. You know, nothing wrong with that. But I think that, and I'm just kind of preparing myself for that day when it's starting to be more I guess more, uh, when I get to that time where I am dating, to where— what will the boundaries be? And, you know, things like not being at your home after a certain hour, or, um, you know, of course not being at his home at a certain hour, even not being on the phone too late, you know, just because your conversation changes.

It does.

The mind is the—

I think that I— but I do see where I need to maybe give a little bit to where it's okay to show interest, to display, hey, I'm interested, you know, that type of thing. And there's nothing wrong with that, but to kind of loosen up a little bit but be appropriate about it.

So appropriate but approachable, but approachable.

Yes.

Okay.

All right. Um, I would agree with that also. Be appropriate Um, I think I'm a little bit of Danielle as well. Like, I'm a— I'm an affectionate person. I grew up in an affectionate home, so it's quick for me to be like, hey, touchy. And, you know, guys like, okay, hey, hold on, whoa, stop, stop, stop. Um, because I—

you're like, what? I just said hey.

But I think when it— for me, when it gets to a dating relationship, because You know, I have said, you know, to many guys in relationships that, you know, I am holding out, you know. So, you know, so if that's something that you need, then I'm not the person, right? I'm not the person because, you know, I joke and say it all the time, but I have been celibate a couple times.

The last time it stuck.

This is the last time it stuck. I have been celibate a couple times, so I just decided, you know, this is not— this doesn't work. This doesn't work. Um, the few minutes, it just doesn't work. So I, you know, I let that be known up front because, you know, you go 3 and 4 months and the guys, you know, their minds are not there. And I'm like, oh yeah, by the way, uh, yeah, you know, can't taste the I don't know if I can do this, but you know, so I think that's when you say boundary, that's what, you know, immediately I think, because I think it's only fair. I'm not going to assume you have my values. Your values.

Even if you're a Christian. Even if you are Christian.

Especially if you're a Christian.

Yeah.

Okay, boundaries.

I'm the same with like Vanetta. Let's just be upfront. Let's not waste each other's time.

I mean, how do you have this conversation? Like, you've been dating a couple of weeks and you say, just so you know. I mean, what— when do you have that conversation? When do you say, well, you can—

well, okay, for this last guy, that would sound weird because you could sound—

yeah, you know what I'm saying? After church.

Okay, so you— this last guy I was talking to, we were friends. I already— I'm very prayerful. I'm not trying to be extra holy or anything, but I'm like, okay, Lord, because I know me. Like you said, I know how I am. So, okay, Lord, what is this?

Is this real?

And I mean, in every situation, every time, something will be exposed about that person where I already know, but then I'll just keep it going just to see, okay, let me see if it's for real. Are you sure, Jesus? Yeah, but I hear you, right? I am like overcorrect. I overcorrect as well. And so I don't know sometimes, but that's why I'm so grateful. But anyway, so, um, just little things he would do. And so I have to just stop and just tell him, look, it's not gonna happen. I'm not that person. And he knew, but for some odd reason that made him feel like it was a challenge.

Of course.

And so of course I just—

that's how it works.

Just had to do delete his number, stop talking to him. I mean, not even as a friend. We just had to cut it off because I know what I'm trying to do and I know what I'm capable of.

Don't you think, don't you think whether it leads to physical intimacy or not, that that's where we get in trouble is because we keep trying to see, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's like, well, or you don't want to cut it off too soon, or you're like, it might be too difficult, or, well, let me just see. Yeah.

And then it doesn't—

you know, when you usually know Yeah, but you know, it's very, very—

usually there's something in the person that God reveals. If you are like most, you know, most serious women who are serious before the Lord, you ask God, look, I'm not in the mood, Lord.

I don't have no time.

This is not it, you know, shut it down and let's, you know, you go over there and I'll go over there. So it's— God usually makes it really clear, you know, if, you know, immediately, okay, this is not God's best for me, so I'm just gonna walk away. But I feel like there are times where you do meet someone and you do click and y'all do go out and you do enjoy each other, and then, you know, they start sharing a little more intimately about some stuff and you're like, okay, hold, before we go there.

Yeah, sir. Okay, so, okay, so struggles with sex, okay, as far as you and your personal How you deal with natural— is there— I want it, I had it, I hadn't had it, I still want it, whatever. What do you do when you're, when you're in that moment?

Like, like literally, what?

Oh Lord, please cut it off.

Like I said, cut it off. I added music, I added what I watch, I am what I talk about, because we are so inundated with it. Yeah, like when, like the message on Sunday when Pastor was was talking about how sex is used to even, uh, market— in market— to market things that have nothing to do with it. There was a shampoo commercial. Yeah, something. So yes, and so I'm like, oh my gosh. So I'm very cautious, and especially in some times of the month, you already know, it's like, whoa, I have to really There are other times— there's sometimes I can listen to a song and it's nothing. I'm just like, whatever. But then there are those times if I even feel a thought coming, sometimes there is a struggle. I'm like, oh wait, oh. I'm like, no, let me turn it off. And I will just click something just to get it off. It's almost like just how James talks about getting yourself out of that temptation, you know, so it won't overtake you. That sin, it gives the temptation— the sin becomes— comes because we let the temptation give birth to it. And so just trying to cut it off and get myself out of the situation, even if I'm in the car or even if I'm at—

You turn off the radio.

Yeah. And some of my friends think it's funny.

I get—

oh gosh, been told all kinds of things. But I'm like, I'm after something different. And so if I'm going to be after something different and be successful, I'm going to have to do do things differently. And if that means I need to watch SpongeBob or I need to watch I Love Lucy, like, literally, I don't watch— I watch A Different World, I watch I Love Lucy, I watch, um, Andy Griffith, I watch Golden Girls, stuff that I know it will not, you know, it's just like honest.

Because I'm sorry, I mean, I'm just sorry, TGIT will mess you up.

I do not— I cannot—

I do—

I can't—

it will mess you up.

I've had to pull back. I've had to pull back. I was a TGIT cheerleader. I was there at 6:59. But then as years go on and you just think, I can't handle this. Okay, I can't handle it. All right, let me cut on HGTV and figure out what wall I can knock down because I can't. You just know that the things that Like you say, TGIT or TV shows or just songs, you just have to cut it off. You just have to cut it off. And I just have to, I literally am just like, Lord, can you just, can you just settle me? Just, I literally pray those, please.

I mean, do you go for a walk? Do you just sit there and turn everything off and just try to calm yourself? Do you, do you, do you try to get busy with something else? Distract? I mean, like what?

I feel like it depends too. It depends on the level of intensity. For lack of a better word.

Yeah, I will make myself busy around the house. Like, I will, you know, clean something or go out in the yard, you know. Before you know it, I'm reading the whole landscape and over to the left. Next month I'm gonna have to write, though, because it's gonna, it's gonna come back. But I think for me it's either a busy thing or a song. I usually, it's like, you know, I keep my earphones in and just keep— I tell you, I'm on my Jesus music. People are like, oh, have you heard the news, such and such? I can't handle that right now. I just can't handle it, so let me just stick with Jesus music. And if I got to sing the same song 20 times in 1 minute, so be it.

OK, anybody else? Y'all good?

Well, pretty much the same thing.

I read, I have like a section of like educational historical books that I like to read, and I don't want to say it's boring, it's not boring, but it definitely takes your mind off of whatever, you know.

Yeah, okay, okay. One thought that you would like to leave with, I'm sure that we have all kinds of people watching right now and that will be listening when I air this as a podcast. Some are married, some are single, doesn't matter. If there's just one thought of our whole conversation, you're like, I want them to leave and remember this, what would it be?

Maximize the time you have now being single, because when you, when you're married, I'm like I said in there early in the conversation, you don't know where the Lord is leading you. And how important today is. So be present in today, prioritize the Lord today, give your heart fully to him today, um, because if he can trust you with the things you have now, then you'll be ready and willing— ready to receive the things that he has for you and your husband, your kids, or whatever the Lord has for you.

So yeah, that'll work for anybody, I think.

Yeah, if you have people that are married with kids, they can— I can't wait until kids grow up and leave, and they're not maximizing right now, you know. Or I'll be so much happier when my husband gets his act together, but I mean, I could love him well right now, and I'm still investing in tomorrow, you know what I mean. I just think regardless of where you are, maximizing the right now is something we all have to do.

And, and also enjoy the Lord, you know. A lot of times people see being a Christian as just a religion, but enjoy the Lord. Like, he's given us this whole for the world to enjoy. Whether if it's— if you like take vacations, if you— I feel like the Lord wants us to enjoy him. And what I mean by that is, yes, and relate to him, talk to him, you know, enjoy the Lord. I don't know how to— what other way I can say that, but I'm learning to do that, to talk to him. And today I was thanking him for colors. I'm like, Lord, you were so good to us that you allowed us to enjoy colors, you know, blue, red, orange, how personal and giving he is to us, and he wants that same thing from us. And so if you can't enjoy it now, I feel like you won't be able to enjoy it when you get married, because what matters now is going to matter, you know, when you're going to have to learn.

Exactly. Enjoy the Lord.

So enjoy it. So maximize it, right? So that's what I would say.

Um, I would say Learn to push past the disappointments. That's good, yeah. Learn to push past the disappointments and just ask God to show you, you know, you kind of alluded to the joy. You know, okay, this may not be happening in my life, Lord, but I, you know, thank you that I'm able to do this. Oh, I was able to, you know, go take a trip. I was able to go have lunch with friends or whatever. Just push past. Don't sit in the, what's the, the, the woe is me moment, you know, of what's not taking place in your life. Find something that— there's something, there's something in your life.

Landscaping.

Landscaping.

Landscaping. Call me and we can work it out. We can show out a whole plan. But I would just say, yeah, definitely push past the, you know, the uncomfortable or the disappointment and just thank the Lord. There's always something to say thank you for.

Yeah.

Um, I would say as a single, um, just understanding and truly getting that we are whole people. We are not lacking anything. Um, and praise God for that, you know. Um, and I would just say for married people to just encourage people, single people that you know, encourage them where they are and just, you know, reaffirming that in them that they are whole, that they're not, you know, lacking anything within themselves.

What you have versus what you don't have, right? Because there's a whole lot of that, right?

And stop asking single people when they gonna get married.

Blanket question. I'm just gonna walk around the side. I do not know.

I have no idea.

What's your one word?

Um, I would say wait. For the Lord, um, in, in the Lord. Still wait for the Lord in the Lord, and don't settle, um, for anything out of loneliness, or, you know, just wait for what God truly wants to, to give you. And don't rush anything, especially for those of us who are abstinent. Just, you know, keep holding on.

Yes, and I will also say to surround yourself with Godly women who are about that same purpose, because that's— community is very important. Um, you can't hang around with the folks who just want to have a good time and just continue, you know, not encourage you in your way. Because while I say all these things, it is a work in progress every day, every moment of the day. It can be up today, down tomorrow, but the steady part of it is my intention intentionality to keep going. But also to have single friends to go to and be honest with and know that you won't be condemned. You have that accountability and that you can bring those— those— that realness before the Lord and know someone's praying for you, you're praying for that person. But just to have the women around you who will uphold you, hold you accountable, and just help you just let you know it's okay, you know, to be real with yourself.

Yeah, and it is.

It is okay.

It's all okay.

Yes, it is.

Well, I want to thank you girls for talking with me and being honest and sharing. I appreciate it, and I know those who listen and who are watching now and who will listen later will appreciate it too. So thank you very much.

You're welcome. Thanks for having us. I'm excited to talk to you. I like you.