Relationship Q&A #alittleQC

Hello everybody, it's Thursday night and I am here live everywhere. I think— I hope I hit all the right buttons. Okay, so I am here and let me turn on the right camera. There we go. Turn off the wrong camera. In the closet as usual. And I'm here because I had promised that— I promised that I would come to talk about relationships and do some relationship Q&A. And I didn't do that this Monday because I wanted to take some time to talk to my friend Shandria Riddick about emotional rest and recovery, because not all of us, but many of us, uh, hi Sharina, are, um, taxed. I mean, if it's not 2020, it's the last week in all the election drama. If it's not any of those things, it could be that Somebody we know has the virus, or we're trying to figure out how to continue with our kids with school, or we're trying to figure out how to have one more doggone Zoom meeting. And if this week we haven't learned anything else, if you've been paying attention to the news, you have learned the lesson yet again that you need to pay attention when your video is on Zoom. If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it. But if you do know what I'm talking about, listen, when you're on a Zoom call, you need to pay attention to whether or not your mic is on, your video is on. These things are important things, y'all. These are like Adulting 101. Now, making sure that you are Zoom ready is part of Adulting 101. Okay. You got to turn off your video. Well, you don't have to turn it off. You just need to make sure it's off. If you are on Zoom doing things you shouldn't be doing on a work Zoom call, or maybe at all, I don't know. Zoom ready. That's a whole nother hashtag. Yes. I see you, Sisteria Simmons on Instagram. Okay. So yeah, y'all listen, I actually have been really looking forward to Um, doing Zoom and doing Zoom. Now I can't think of anything with Zoom. Doing videos not from my closet. Like, I've actually been thinking about, um, you know, like having a spot, you know, that looks YouTube ready and that looks, you know, like it's intentional set, intentionally set up. I was watching some lighting videos yesterday on YouTube and You know, when I, when I go to sleep at night, geeking out on tech is fun for me. And so, um, yeah, I'm not gonna tell y'all. If y'all don't know, just Google Zoom. I'll give you a hint: Google Zoom and CNN. Okay. All right. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Praise the Lord, everybody. So anyway, hey, Christy Cole Harper. And Andrea, I see you too. Okay, so here's the deal. I'm here to talk— the orange dress, she said it's still gone. Where is the orange dress? Isn't that the question? The question is— see, it's right here. I wore it one day and then it ended up right here behind me. Okay, so anyway, I Um, I don't know if y'all can see me on Instagram. See if I tilt this up, you can see on Facebook and YouTube. Do y'all even know what that is right there? Well, I'm doing this for my Facebook, YouTube people, and I'm doing this for my Instagram people. Do y'all know what that is? Y'all don't know. Y'all don't know what that is, do you? So I was moving things, uh, from one location to the other. And, uh, Monique was at the house and we were taking things out of the office closet at my other house. And she was like, she was like, isn't this one of those hair dryers that people sit under like a home? Is this a home dryer? And I was like, is this a, is this a, an item? Like, is this an item that not everybody knows now? I don't understand. Oh yes. And see, see, y'all have to pay attention. Y'all are paying attention. Y'all are like, is that your wedding dress box? Yes, next to the hairdryer, wedding dress box. Yes. So everybody apparently doesn't know about hairdryers or hair bonnets and that kind of thing, or they're, they think they know, but they're not quite sure. So anyway, there you go. No, Joel, it's my live, Joel. No, I'm just saying, uh, can, yeah, can I have— can we have something to drink? Because I have 2 bottles of water. I have 2 bottles of water. And as you should, 2 bottles of water is amazing. Hi, Mom. Hi, guys. I'm amazing. Okay, you made your appearance. Go eat. Go finish eating. Did you bathe? Did you wash up all the important areas? Every single, single stinking one, because I'm gonna check. Why? You're disgusting. Okay. This is my life. Okay. Cause you know, you have to check with the boys. You have to check. You cannot take their word for it. And then you have to sometimes walk them through the variety of parts that they could have checked. To make sure that they actually do what they're supposed to do. All right. So before I launch into some Q&A, let me just say, I don't have all the answers. Um, I know I do not. However, I have been a mom for 25 years. I've been a sister for 40-some-odd years. I have been a wife for 20. Did I already say that? I've been a mom for 20, almost 30. I have been a friend for decades. I have people that I work with, work for, that work for me, work with me. Um, and so it is what it is. There are some things I've never experienced. There are a lot of things that I have. And so, um, what I want to do— DM Junior, I got a man who jumped in who said, hey, not all of us. Now I'm talking about my children. I'm talking about my sons, my sons. I can't vouch for you, DM. Can't do it. However, I will say, not as a general rule, but as a mostly general rule, in my experience, girl clean is different than boy clean. That's all I want to say. I'm not saying men aren't clean. I'm just saying often, not 100% of the time, but a large majority of the time, Girl clean is different than boy clean, but y'all are all alright with me. Okay. So, oh yeah, you had to check the girls too. My girls used to go run the shower water, you know, and then come out and everything was dry. I was like, you didn't shower. And they were like, yes, we did. I was like, your back is dry. Your back is dry. I don't know why. And then I would tell my children, I have been a child. I have been a child. I have been a teenager. I know the tricks. All right. So here's what I want to make sure you know about, because we're not on here to talk about boy inkling and girl clean. We're on here to talk about relationships and, uh, and the Q&A that I got from the inner circle. So when I talk about the Inner Circle, what I'm talking about is a group of people, content designed for women. So mostly all women, I think, who, um, who want more. Okay. And so they get bonus episodes from the podcast or, um, often the content from the events, we drip it out throughout the year so that you can hear it for the first time if you missed an event or hear it again. And the Inner Circle opens and closes, but there's always the entry level open. So when you hear me talk about it, you can always jump in for extra stuff. It's $5, helps to support the work that we do. ChrystalEvansHurst.com/innercircle. But here's what I want to make sure you know about tonight because it starts tomorrow. ChrystalEvansHurst.com/TSConline. That stands for The Sister Circle Online. And tomorrow I am hosting our fall online event. So there are almost 20 speakers, encouragers, like I like to call them, who who I asked because of their skill, their wisdom, their experience, their ability, their passion, um, to talk to you and then to avail themselves to you for live Q&A. So what makes this event really special and what makes it exciting for me is that they are there. So some of them, um, are teaching live. Some of them you are watching their recording, but they are live with you in the comments. And then after y'all all watch their session together, they watching themselves as well, then they come on live to answer your questions. So this is an event where if you have a question, you're going to get a chance to not just hear from the encourager, but also to engage with the encourager. And that's what makes this a really, really great event. Okay. So ChrystalEvansHurst.com/TSCOnline. The main event starts tomorrow night. Um, however, however, if you are interested in starting a business, building a business, or scaling a business, our summit that starts tomorrow morning at 11:30 AM Central Standard Time, um, that begins, uh, to help you in your business endeavors. And right now, a lot of people I know know that they need to have a side hustle. If they didn't know that before 2020, they know it now. They know it now. And it's always good to have some source of income that is not necessarily driven by the job that you have, because as many of us know, the job that you have can change at any moment, at any moment. My job changed this year. So, um, that is there and that starts in the morning. So go ahead and get registered. If you're thinking about coming, especially if you're planning on coming to the Business Summit. And then the good thing is, is if you can't watch all of it this weekend, because I mean, people have stuff to do, we know you have stuff to do, then the good news is, is that you will have 7 days to replay as a general event attendee, and you will have 14 days to watch the replays if you are a VIP or Summit attendee. So you got plenty of time. To watch and watch again and watch again. And I'm really excited. I mean, if you go to the website, tseonline.com, you will see all the great session leaders, encouragers that we have. Friday night, Lisa Bevere is the keynote. We've got Jan Greenwood on Saturday, Anita Phillips. Uh, we've got Allie Worthington as a part of the business summit. Um, Erica Campbell on Saturday night. So we are really, really excited and I am so blessed and honored that each one of them decided to say yes to join me. All right, so, um, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, 28 Days of Prayer. I haven't mentioned it in a while. I wrote a book about prayer, and I see sometimes people will tag me on social media telling me how, um, important and useful that, um, opportunity to read that book has been. That book is still available, and the good news is, is if you grab it anywhere books are sold, you can even get it at Target, chrystalhurst.com/pray. You can go there and there are audio prayers that you can grab with your download. So sometimes if you don't feel like praying, the good news is, is that I am praying over you and for you, and you can just listen. So that is there and available to you. Now, if you are watching on Facebook, YouTube, make sure you're like locked in to get notifications and that you're subscribed, that you've rung the bell on YouTube so that you are always aware. Make sure you've got notifications coming. On Instagram so that way when I go live you can catch me. All right, without further ado, let me take some of these questions. Now again, these questions have come from the Inner Circle. I'm going to get through as many as I can, and then if I have time for some Q&A here, um, then I will do that if I have time. Let me get that Inner Circle group first. If you missed Monday, watch that. Do yourself a favor, bless your own soul. And watch Monday's live. Uh, if you're on Instagram, it comes down, but you can always catch it on YouTube or Facebook. And we, um, we talked about emotional rest, recovery, rejuvenation. I said R&R, it should have been R&R&R, R cubed. Uh, we talked about how to do it. How do you listen to your own soul and calm your own soul down? How do you recognize when you need a little R&R and a little self-care? So if you watched it, You know, watch it again. All right. Okay. Um, yes, Lori Barrett, if you watch it, you can watch it later. 7 days for regular events, regular event attendees, and 14 for VIP and Summit. All right. Jennifer Brown said, can you please talk about staying connected in marriage given the constant stress of full-time jobs, online learning of two sons, and the pandemic. How do you communicate and stay in alignment when life and stress is feeling so heavy right now? Well, let me just say this. You know, one of the reasons why I'm tackling Q&A for relationships is because this is one of the areas of our, um, online event. The areas are purpose, balance, and relationships, and then of course business. But when we were having a prep call with our encouragers, One of the ladies who's going to be talking about relationships, Robin May, is going to be talking about communication in marriage. And she said when she was introducing her topic to the other encouragers, she said, I want to stop the roommate syndrome. And she said, and all y'all know what I'm talking about. Stop the roommate syndrome. Where you are living with your spouse and you're doing the things, you know, he may not be a horrible person, you may not be a horrible person, but y'all are people passing each other in the night. You know, he pays his bills, you pay your bills, or you pay the bills, y'all have a joint account or you don't. Like, it's working. You're just not engaging. You're working together, but you're not engaging with each other. And there is a difference. If you've been married a long time, some of, some of us can attest to the fact, not all of us, but some of us can attest to the fact that there may have been seasons where you don't sleep in the same room because this mattress works for you, but it doesn't work for him. Or he likes to fall asleep in front of the TV and you want quiet. You like the cold room, he likes the hot room. I mean, you know, it can get like that. Uh, and then the other issue is you just stop being interested in each other. I mean, you just, They all right. You know what I mean? So how do you stay connected in marriage? Well, we've all heard this said a million times. Marriage takes work. It takes work. And one of the things that people don't want to believe about marriage is that in order to maintain that engagement, you have to be intentional about, um, creating opportunities to engage. Um, you met and married your spouse, or you hope to meet and marry your spouse, because you share like, um, interests. Um, there was something, there was something about y'all that y'all like to do together when you were dating. Or you hope that when you get married that you will meet somebody who you just like hanging out with, like they're a friend. So you have to figure out what you have in common. You have to find that. Now, the reason why we know it can be helpful to, um, to be intentional about this, uh, even when you're not naturally finding it, is because people go to work and are able to go to their jobs and people that they've never met before, they didn't choose these people. They didn't want to live life with these people. They decided to work there. So that what they have in common is the job. And if they work for a great boss, or if their company has great culture, they get inculcated into that culture. And if you work there for any length of time, you start to develop, or you can develop a camaraderie with your team. Now, this does not happen magically. Um, there's probably some intentionality around team building and team meetings and You know, and peer reviews and peer support. And I mean, and you know, chemistry is the thing. Chick-fil-A hires around 3 C's. It is competence, chemistry, and I forgot the other one. Competence, chemistry, I think it's character. They're like, you need to be able to do your job, competence. You need to be able to work with the people who work here. We need to get along. We should like each other. There should be some chemistry. And we need to be able to trust that you're not going to steal money out of the cash register. Character. And when you think about this, when you go to Chick-fil-A, there is camaraderie. And you want to know how you know this? Because you feel it. You feel it. When you go to Chick-fil-A, everybody's kind of on the same page. And if somebody's not doing right, you notice. You're like, what's wrong with them? That ain't, that is not, that's not the Chick-fil-A way. Well, they work really hard to build their company culture, a company culture of excellence, of customer orientation, of development. They don't just think that you're there to just do their job. They're thinking about who you can be over the long haul. And because they are intentional about development, it creates a culture where there is a shared chemistry and you feel it when you drive through. Yes, Miss Shawna B, French fry fellowship. So what does that mean for marriage? Okay. It means, yes, Yesenia Bellin, you're not even the same person. If you've been married for 20 years, you cannot expect that you're going to marry the person based on their competence. You expected them to be able to do the husband job, their character. You wouldn't have married them if you thought they were trash. Or hope you wouldn't have married him if you thought they were trash. And then there's chemistry. Hopefully something inside of you went, when you met them, when you were with them, it just went, call it butterflies, call it excitement, whatever. There were some combination of those things. And what happens is over time, it's true, you change. You change, he changes. Sometimes y'all don't change at the same speed. Sometimes what you're interested in, he's not interested in. Sometimes you want to get your finances together when he's not necessarily thinking about doing it, or he's been trying to get the finances together for years and you keep overspending. And not only that, but then you have friction because now you live together and the way y'all live may not be the same way. And then sometimes they just get on our last nerve and I'm sure we get on their nerves. And so you have all of these things coming into play that has nothing to do— that has nothing to do with whether or not you can be intentional about creating culture. And stirring up chemistry, but it takes intentionality. So when you ask Jennifer, how do you keep connected in marriage given the constant stress of full-time sons or full-time jobs, the online earning of two young sons, and the pandemic? You just named all of the things outside of you that determine whether or not you and your husband stay connected. And I understand that it's heavy, and I understand that stressful. And I understand that things are heavy, but here's what I want to tell you about Chick-fil-A. I feel like this could be like a whole, like, side sermon, really. When the pandemic hit and everything closed down, when Chick-fil-A opened back up, guess what they did? They retooled themselves. They reshaped themselves. They reworked themselves. They reoriented themselves and they started doing it differently. Right now they don't hand you your food through the window. They hand you your food in a plastic container so you never have to touch them. They figured it out. They figured out a new way. They got Chick-fil-A. Company masks, everybody's wearing the same thing. They said, oh, we're still going to do what we're going to do, we're just going to shift, we're going to create a shift. Because what we know is that we can't stop, uh, being intentional about our competency, our character, and our chemistry, because we still have to serve you. And if you can look at your marriage like that, okay, I know I've changed, or I know you've changed, but we're gonna have to figure this thing out. I'm gonna have to maybe address you a different way. We're going to have to maybe serve each other a different way. I'm going to have to maybe be covered in a different way. I'm going to have to do some things, and you're gonna have to do some things. And I understand that it takes two, but what I want you to know— yes, Cicely, that's— you, you typed that after I said it. You said, it's so tiring, Chrystal Hurst. Yes, I know it is. I, I know it. I know I know it is. But here's the thing, you're going to be tired regardless of what you do. So you can either be tired and stirring up a little happiness in your marriage, or you can be tired and unresolved. And the reality is, you know, PP, you said, and Chick-fil-A chains are lines are always off the chain. There's a reason for that. There's a reason for that. Um, yes, Jerry Johnson, this can be applied for single people with their career. Absolutely. Because here it is, life is what you make it. Now I understand it takes two to tango, but we girls give ourselves too little credit for our ability to stir up some excitement as much as we are able to, because sometimes we just need to come home and just be tired. But we have the power a lot of times to create a mood, a whole mood, a whole feeling, a whole atmosphere. And that's why it's exhausting unless you have a place that you can get filled. So girls, you need your friends. Don't neglect your friends. I know your husband's supposed to be your best friend. Don't neglect your friends because you need a place for, um, filling up so that you can pour out. Now he should want to do the same thing, but what I'm telling you is if you listen, from our 15th anniversary, I told my husband, we are going— no, this is what I told him. We have been married for 15 years. I'm going to Hawaii. Are you coming? Are you coming? Because he was like, I don't know, you know, it's a lot of money, gonna have to leave the kids. And I said, well, I've been married for 15 years. I'mma celebrate that. I would love to celebrate 15 years with you because I've been with you. And you know what? We went, we had a great time. You have to— and this is the big girl panty part, y'all. This, I mean, really, that's what this is. This is the part where we used to look at our mamas and our aunties and that lady at the church and think, How are they doing this? And a part of how they do it, it, whatever it is, is they decided to be the big girl. I'm on a live. Close my door. It's my life. My life. My life. So You have to decide to do what you can do as much as you can do, go as far as you can go and live. And guess what? If you taking, going first means you can start closing some of that gap, go first, go first. What difference does it make? Go first. I know it sucks and I know we have to do a whole bunch of things. I'm just saying it is what it is. Take ownership. Yes, McCants, take ownership. Delissa Richardson said, I want to learn how to effectively communicate to my spouse about what I'm physically going through during perimenopause. So many women keep this to themselves and they try to navigate it alone. It can be damaging to our relationships. Absolutely. Let me tell you something. They don't know, y'all. They don't know. They don't understand. They don't know. Which is why, let me start with this, you have to know. You have to know you. You, you have to understand when it's your time of the month. You need to give them a warning signal. You need to look at the calendar and be like, all right, sir, I'm just giving you a warning. You got 5 days before I start acting cranky or doing weird things or not wanting to, you know, wanting to be left alone. Like, you knowing yourself gives you this, this amazing, amazing power. I'm on a live. Sorry to interrupt your speech, but there's no more waffles. Can we have ice cream? Are you serious right now? What? Are you serious right now? Mommy, y'all can make some cookies. Yeah, and ice cream. I'm not doing all that. No, Be glad I'm giving you that. And I think there are waffles in the freezer. Which freezer? If I find them, y'all are paying me $5. Which freezer? Any freezer. Just pick a freezer. I know we looked at all of them. If I find waffles, y'all are paying me money. What? Okay, that's Kaden. Okay. And if you can't find waffles, then y'all can make some of those Nestlé cookies that are in the, in the fridge. I told them that if they had the soup and the salad that they could finish the frozen waffles. Anyway, so the bottom line is when you know yourself, you're able to communicate. So some of us, the problem is we don't even know ourselves, okay? We don't even know ourselves. We don't, we don't, we can't even communicate. So we're mad at them because they don't know when we don't know. Do you understand what I'm saying? We're mad at them because they don't know and we don't know. So I just, I want you to understand, listen, I mean, I just, okay, let me back up. Let me back up a second. One of my philosophies about God and men and women, and the Bible does not say this. Okay. Y'all, this is Chrystal Hurst. Just, just Chrystal Hurst. The Bible talks about God creating Adam and then he created Eve and he took the rib and all this kind of, I said, I really believe that God was sleepy the day he told men to lead and women to follow. He was— he had to— he had to be on the verge of sleepiness. He had to be exhausted from creating all those days. He had to have been a little confused because each one of us is challenged to do the thing that we are least built to do, and we want to do the thing that we are most Now this is not, you know, like, this is not like the generalization all people. It's just I've noticed that a lot, that there are things that often us girls wish our men would do, and we just want them to do it. And if they don't do it, we get all hot and bothered because we are thinking, it wasn't that hard, like, all you had to do was do this, it wasn't that hard, like, just, I figured it out like last week, you know what I mean? Like, and then we have to Yes, speak up, but do it in a way that is honoring, that's not pushy, that's not emasculating. We have to do all these things when really we could have just done it. I mean, you know what I'm saying? Like, we could have just done it. And then often, not always, but often, um, then you, uh, sometimes men, the things that need to be done, you know, when they've got to pull their big boys pants up and strap on those suspenders and do the things. They don't want to. They want to watch football on Sunday. They want to chill. They want to hang out with the boys. And we like, we're trying to live a grown life over here. You know what I mean? Again, nada thing for all men. I've just noticed in my conversation with friends and all the questions that I get, you know, we're trying to do the thing and they're just like, what? So Here's the thing I want you to understand, that being the person that you were designed to be, whether we're talking about your spouse or your mother or your, or your boss, or maybe the people that work for you, there is a lot of power that you have as a woman that you are supposed to manage. Do you understand? You have to manage your power. You don't have to throttle back. You don't have to not be powerful. You just have to manage. You have to be wise. And that often means, um, not saying everything the way you want to say it, but it also means knowing what to say. Okay? You have to know yourself. You have to know yourself. Okay, all right. And many of us don't. We're cranky and we don't know why. We just know we're mad at everybody. We want everybody to leave us alone. We want everybody— it's everybody else's fault, and we have no idea that it's us. Have you ever been around a woman who's in menopause and everybody else knows it but she doesn't know it? Have y'all ever been around a woman like that? I'm serious, like for real. Like, have you ever been around a woman and everybody knew she was either on the verge of the change? If you were a teenager, you've been probably around a woman who was changing and she didn't realize it, but everybody else, you know. So the thing is, you, you have to realize when you are in a, in a season of shifting. Okay. And this doesn't matter if you're going through menopause or if you— but you have to know your body also because that's what Delissa is asking about. So y'all, there, listen, there is an education that you have to give yourself and then you have to give your spouse. This education is true of— this is called communicating, people. So let me give you an example that's not about husband and wife, and I'm going to bring this back to husband and wife. So my daughter is an adult, and I remember being an adult and going to my parents' home, and— but I wasn't an adult in my mind when I went to my parents' home. I was still their kid. So I would go over there and want to chill, not wash dishes, hang out, you know. My mother one day was like, girl, you're, you're a grown woman. Like, you, you need to— okay, so fast forward. So my daughter comes over, she has a family, they, they lived with us for about 4 months. And we had to have a come-to-Jesus meeting because I was like, I love you, I do, but my years of managing your child, child season and my years of managing your teenage season are over. They're over. And I need you to pull your weight. So here's what we're going to do. Here's what is required now. But I had to also tell her, listen, I'm a person. I'm not just your mother. I'm a person. And as a person, it is offensive to me if you come and eat and then leave your trash everywhere. Not only that, is we're family and we all have to pitch in. That was me educating her as the fact that— to the fact that her season had shifted and my season had shifted. But unless I called it, you know what I mean, unless I called it, we're just gonna go along as usual. That's why you need, uh, a referee on the field for football. That's why you need an umpire on the field for baseball. That's why you need people that call some of the plays. You ever watch football and somebody is trying to catch a play and they're tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee right on the boundary line? And then you have to have the replays and have to look at the tape. And then the referee makes a call because sometimes somebody has to make a call that you went over the line. Okay. And many times as women, we have to make the call. We cannot make the call though, if we don't know where we are in the playbook. And that goes back to you knowing yourself. So literally y'all, can I just keep it all the way real? When your juices start drying up, you can't just say over and over again, I don't want to do it, not tonight, I got a headache, I don't feel like it. I mean, you can tell him that, but you could also say to him, listen, how much better is this, right? Listen, I married you because I loved you and I knew sex was a part of the deal and Sex is good. I, I don't, I don't mind having sex. I want to have sex with you sometimes. However, there are some physiological changes that make sex unpleasant for me. It makes it unpleasant, it makes it hard, it's uncomfortable, and it's not you, it's me. So here's what's happening in my body that's making intimacy difficult. Then I have no idea how to fix that, but I will be seeing my doctor, or maybe I'm going to see a therapist, or maybe I'm going to talk to some friends, or maybe I'm reading books because I, I want to know more about what's going on with my body. And I just, I would love for you to understand too, and to be as sensitive as you can. And then there's a trick I learned about parenting. She said, Lord, my Evans family and those football analogies. I know. And I don't even like football. I don't even like football. I mean, I watch it because it's on, on a Sunday and I've been listening to Tony Evans and football analogies all of my life. So it just comes out, but I couldn't tell you a halfback from a fullback from a sideback. And I know there's not a sideback, but so you, you do have to call the play. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You have to call the play. So, and when you don't know what's going on with you, then you have to find out. Maybe your spouse wants to come with you to your doctor's appointment. Maybe you can say, you know, I'm, I'm doing the homework, I'm doing the research, you know, maybe you got to give them some ideas about some other things that'll make him happy during the season of dryness. That's what I hear. I'm not yet there. But that's what I hear. And all the other things— moodiness and crankiness and all the things. So you have to know yourself so you can call it, and when you call it, you have to communicate it. Okay, Catherine, Catherine. Okay, Kimbra Essex said, how do I meet someone where they are? Also, how do I know how much to give of myself In various stages of a relationship. Okay. If I was really spiritual, I would know the answer to this. Uh, but I actually was just working on a chapter about something else. It was, um, something else. And I was, um, if I can do this, I'm Googling it. Sarah Baugh. Let's see if I can figure it out. Um, so there's a passage in the Bible that talks about the woman and the oil, the widow and the oil. Okay. And okay, I'm looking for the scripture. 1 Kings 17. Okay. So there was a widow, she's in need, and it's a test of faith. She makes some food, and then her jugs are empty. Um, and so— is that the right widow? Now I'm confused. There's a widow that had the oil. Y'all can help me out because y'all know Jesus. But, um, there was a widow in 1 Kings 17. Maybe that's not the right widow, but there was a woman who needed, um, oil, and she took her empty jars and she went and filled them up, right? And then as long as she had jars then the oil kept getting filled. And the point of that was that you, um, that she was getting enough to give. That was, that was the point. And listen, y'all are on here giving the answers. See, this is why you need a sister circle, okay? Because you need some women where you could just say, listen, teach me your menopause ways. Ways. That's what you can even teach me, your menopause ways. Okay, but anyway, the principle of that story was you have to know when you're empty so that you can know when to go fill up. And the point of filling up— thank you, 2 Kings 4. Look at y'all, y'all love Jesus. It's like there's a bunch of widows in the Bible. There's a bunch of widows of the Bible. Let's see, what'd you say? 2 Kings 4. Okay, I'm gonna Google it because I love Jesus and I want to like tell y'all exactly where the verses are and sound like I actually know the Bible. Hold on, Kings 4. Thank you for your assistance. Yes, her husband died and she had nothing except a small jar of oil. She had to go borrow from her neighbors and You know, the bottom line is she was supposed to get all that. Verse 3— 7 says— verse 7, 4:7, chapter 4, verse 7. Go, Elijah said, and sell the oil and pay your debts. Elisha, you and your sons can live on what remains. Don't let me butcher the Bible, y'all. Don't let me butcher it. The point is, she knew that she had to— she was running out. She didn't have enough to pay her debts. She didn't have enough to keep her sons from being sold into slavery. Because she was running out something wrong was about to happen. Okay, she was in a situation where she had— she was about to have gone too far, be in the red. So his instructions to her was, take your containers and go fill them up until you can't receive anymore. Why? So that you can be in the black, so that you can live in the black. Okay, how do you know when you're in the red? How do you know when you're in the red? You know you're in the red when you start giving, when what's required of you is more than what you have to give. And how do you know that? Because you feel it in the pit of your stomach. How do you feel when you get a bill that you cannot pay? Have you ever had that happen to you? Have you ever had it happen where there was a bill that you did not expect and it came and you felt it in the pit of your stomach?— you were like, oh my gosh, the washer dryer goes out. Okay. And you weren't expecting that. In my case, the fridge goes out. Oh my gosh, we just moved. I wasn't expecting that. You know, something catastrophic happens. Y'all, my alternator went out in my car last week. I wasn't expecting that. We have a sentence, when it rains, it pours. Why? Because we understand this concept of, oh my goodness, this is too much. You understand that concept. This goes back to you knowing you, you knowing when you are in the red. How do you know when you are in the red, when you go, oh my gosh, I don't have enough for that. I don't have enough for that. Yes. Panic. Uh, Brenda, there's fear, there's anxiety, there's stress. There's too much stretching. That same feeling when you get a bill you're not expecting to pay, you're in the red. And what does that mean when you're in the red? It doesn't mean that you live in the red. Elijah was like, listen, take what you have that can hold something. That— what do you have that needs to be filled? Take that and go fill it. You need sleep? Get some sleep. Is your body starving because you're eating but you're eating crap instead of eating actual good food? Okay, then you need to go fill up on the nutrients. I need to do a juice cleanse. Right now, because the whole last week and a half has been a disaster. You know when you just need fellowship and community and connection, and maybe you're not getting that from your spouse. So go get full, call a friend, do a Zoom call, you know, sit at two ends of a picnic bench and discuss your lives together, reason over a cup of coffee, socially distant at Starbucks. I mean, walk 6 feet apart. But do what fills you up. Watch a sunset, smell some roses, cook a great meal, read a good book. When's the last time you read a good book? So I need you to understand that it's your job, okay? It's your job to go get filled. I talk about that in She's Still There. Um, you got— it's your job. Elijah told her, go out, not just and fill your containers, go borrow containers from your neighbors. From all your neighbors. Get as many empty containers as possible and then go in and close the door. Pour oil into those containers. Set each one aside when it's full. So your emptiness is a good signal for you to go and be honest about your emptiness and then go looking for any and all places in your life that need filling. Okay. I feel like I just butchered the story, but I think y'all got what I was trying to say. Okay, so when you ask me this question, how do I meet someone where they are? You said, how do I know how much to give myself time and energy in various stages of a relationship? So when you're talking about relationships, you give until you've given enough. And how do you know when you've given enough? When you say, mm, that's not as far as I wanted to go. That is listening to your soul, soul. That's listening to your life. That's noticing when things are taking energy from you instead of adding energy to you. And yes, there's room for sacrifice, and yes, there's room for, um, going a little bit further during certain seasons, of course. But what happens for most of us girls is we, we live in the red. We live in the red. That's not where we're supposed to live. So again, I'm doing questions, Q&A for relationships, because relationships is one of the topic areas of our online event. I think we're doing motherhood and marriage and singleness and friends and dating. One area that doesn't even mention the pal— the purpose and the balance are keynotes and business. So if you are needing more of this, then please join Robin May for her session on communication in marriage. Because there'll be a whole lot more of this in the event. And you can find out about that by going to chrystalhurtz.com/tsonline. Okay. You said, how do I meet somewhere where they are? Well, Kimber, I'm not going to answer that question because that is such a broad question. I think I can say this at the end of the day, everybody needs to know that they're loved. Or, uh, as Miss Oprah said, everybody needs to know that they're seen. So when you say how far, how can you meet someone where they are, where they feel seen, as long as that's healthy, as long as it's healthy, because some people will ask you to see them and what they want you to see, you don't need to see all of that. Okay. Carla Dugan, how to maintain a relationship— here it is— with an adult child who has rejected our family. And then there she gave a list of reasons why they rejected. It's kind of the same thing, um, Carla, I just said to Kimber, like everybody needs to know their love. So I've had seasons both as an adult child and with adult children where seeing them meant seeing them from a healthy distance. You can send somebody a card and a small token of thoughtfulness just to let them know you're thinking about them. You can send them a scripture verse or a GIF or a photo or quote or just something to encourage them. Them just to let them know you're on their mind. When they come into your home, you can smile and act like you're glad that they're there. You can do that. It doesn't mean you have to agree. It doesn't mean they have to like you. It doesn't mean that they have to— what it does mean is that if Jesus went out of his way to meet the woman at the water that was getting water from the well, Samaritan woman, because she needed to be seen then you can go a little bit out of yours to do the same. There were people Jesus healed that were right in front of him, and then there were people he went out of his way to go minister to. So when you ask me that question, Carla, maintaining a relationship doesn't mean that the relationship that you maintain is the same one that you had. It also doesn't mean it's the one you want to have. It means maintaining a relationship that you can maintain based on what they're willing to give and what you're willing to give and what they're willing to receive and what you're willing to receive. It's the same thing in marriage. You can't make your husband do anything, but you sure can set an atmosphere. And that's what I want to keep saying here. We are not responsible, ladies, for the outcome. We are responsible for our actions. And you have to decide what action you have the power to take. And we regularly undermine or under-expect from ourselves in terms of what our love, our care, our kindness, our food, our pen, our pencil, our words— we underestimate the power of what we can do as women to impact the life of somebody else. So what can you do to engage in relationship? Well, the problem, Carla, is it may be you're trying to engage in a relationship as the kind of relationship you want to have with that adult child. But what if that's not the relationship for right now? What if the relationship is that you're there and they know you're there and you remind them that they're there and that they know that you love them so that when they're ready to actually engage in relationship, you never broke fellowship. Listen, in my kitchen sink, I can turn the water on full force and it'll fill up fast. You know, less than 10 minutes. Um, or I can turn on the faucet just a little enough, just barely enough where there's a steady stream of liquid, of water. It may take a lot longer to fill up, but it's still filling. You always have the power to fill. You always have the power to fill. And when you look back after the years of your consistent filling, What will you have left along the way? Okay, Sharon Dewberry, more communication. I want to learn the seasoning I need to put on my words to my husband, how not to sound disrespectful but also to be sensitive. Um, and then she talks about, you know, being a pastor's wife and how to effectively communicate that she's going into the image of being a pastor's wife. First of all, if you're a pastor's wife I want to encourage you to go to, excuse me, to go to loisevans.org because my mother's ministry to pastors' wives is still going strong. There's also a Facebook group. And when you go to loisevans.org and you sign up for the email list, you will get information about that. You can also search for the Pastors' Wives Network on Facebook, Lois Evans, follow her page because there's still ministry going out to pastors' wives. But specifically to deal with communication, you said, how do I put seasoning on my words? Well, here's what I've learned. There's a couple things that I've learned. Number one, um, ask a question. Just because you could say it and give the bottom line and the conversation could be one and done, ask a question. That's, that solves a lot of drama. Instead of you just telling them, telling them, telling them, fussing, whining, complaining, nagging. Ask a question. That's right there. Solve a whole lot of your issues. The second thing I would say is in response to putting a little sugar on it, that's what I like to say. She said putting seasoning on the words, how not to sound respectful but also be assertive. See, asking a question, y'all, doesn't mean you don't have an opinion or you don't have the answer. Sorry about the snort. It just means I'm including you on my decision-making process, and you honor your own ability to actually be a help to your husband by having answers. Today we had to make a decision about something that we're having put in the house, and there are a lot of decisions that we've been making. And I looked at my husband and I said, so would you like to do this or that? And today was an overwhelming day. And I could— he said, well, I need more time. And I said, well, I can make a decision. I, I think I know what the right decision is. I don't think it's catastrophic if we choose the other decision, but if you don't mind, I can just make the decision and we can move on. He said, go ahead. I don't have— you don't have to question your own ability to make decisions. You don't have to question your ability to have an answer. You don't have to question your ability to be educated and smart and a girl who's got her own business or a girl who manages the finances or a girl who, uh, you know, who, who, who has a certain level of confidence about her. You do not have to apologize for who you are.. You do want to though say, hey, listen, I got it, but what, what do you think about this? And to be ready to take on as much as you and your husband decide together that you should. It's okay to be assertive, but just not bossy. And you know, here's the other thing I want to tell you. Some of us, because I saw you, Betty, you said, let the hubby do it. But here's the other thing I want to tell you. There's a two-edged sword here. So a lot of us girls have been busy making a bunch of decisions because we don't want to wait, we don't want to ask questions, we don't want him to do it, we think he's going to be wrong. And then let me tell you what happens. You are teaching your husband to let you do it, and then may or may not be the lesson that you want your husband to learn. Just saying. My grandmother told my mother, I did all of these things for your grandfather. And at the beginning of our marriage, there were some things he wanted to do, and I thought it was my job to do everything. Let me give you some wisdom, my dear. If he offers, let him do it. If he'll take ownership of it, let him have it. Don't wear yourself out doing all the things, trying to make him be, uh, so, so, so, so taken care of that you're doing his job too. You will burn out. Let him do it. So take that. So I don't know if that's helpful. Seasoning, be sweet. Wait, wait, wait, wait. If you feel like what you're about to say needs to burn through your tongue in your throat, wait. Wait, wait. I don't know how many times I can say wait. And then think about it. Think about what's about to come out of your mouth and how you're going to say it. There are times, y'all, I'm not playing with y'all. There have been times when I've been on the phone with my husband and I pray to God Jesse's not watching live right now, but I pray. Uh, anyway, there have been times where there were things I needed to say a certain way. And I knew how I needed to say it. And I knew how he needed to hear it. And, um, and literally I was on the phone with him, y'all. I'm not playing. I was on the phone and whatever it was, I was like, well, oh my gosh, that's so great. It was like one of those things where I wanted to applaud and I did. I really wanted to, but how I felt in that moment, You know, all the sugarness was just like, it just, I just was not in a sugar mood. So I literally was like this, oh wow, that's, oh wow, that's great. That's what I felt like. That's what I did. But I did it. Mission accomplished. Listen, when your baby's diaper needs to be changed, do you like it? You don't sit there and play with it and smell it and, you know, enjoy it and commune with it. You don't invite it to stay. You don't, you don't enjoy that, but you do it because it's needed. Do you understand what I'm saying? There are some things you do in your marriage and communication because it's needed. And if you sit there and talk about how you don't like it and how it's irritating and how you don't want to do it, okay, then your baby will never get changed. And what happens to a baby that doesn't get changed? It gets irritable, it gets a rash, it's not happy, it's not going to be well. It's not gonna be— it's not gonna be what you want. You want a nice, soft, non-irritated, non-yeasty, rashy bum. So the point is, you got to do what you got to do. All right, Maddie Hunt, friendships. Okay, no more marriage. Friendships. All friendships are not created equally. As I change and grow, how should I navigate How should my expectations change and grow? For example, I have frustrated— I have a frustrated, uh, I frustrated a 20-year friendship by unintentionally exiting it. Although I've never communicated this to the person, we outgrew each other on multiple levels. I truly valued my long-term friendship with them, but they became petty and blaming when both of our lives moved through significant changes. How do you prepare or advise your children, even those you mentor, when things get taken for granted relationally. Okay, so here's the deal. You know, friendship is a thing. There are some friendships that are meant to last forever. Michelle and I have decided we will be friends forever. There are friendships that have seasons, and it's okay when the seasons pass. I feel like everybody who has been in my life, if they haven't grown with me, they have taught me something, and I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the growth and the grace that the relationship afforded me. I'm grateful for them getting to know me, me getting to know them, and me learning from them. And then if our paths leave each other and they go different ways, um, I ought to be mature enough, if it's— if I'm offended by that, to pick up the phone and not expect them to call me. Or if they call— if they don't call me for a while, when they finally do, to not be mad at them, because I could have— I could have kept it going. It takes two to tango. So in your situation, Maddie, I would just say you do— you should expect relationships to change and grow. That's why marriage is different than friendship, because marriage, you say, even when you change and even when you grow, you know, barring the fact that you're gonna kill me, I'm, I'm here, I'm here. So that's the commitment, that's the covenant of marriage. With friendship, you ain't no covenant with friendship. You have no covenant, no covenant at all. So you can say this is over. I have friends in high school, from high school, that when I see them, it's great to see them, but I'm not in covenant with them. And we've— and it doesn't mean that there haven't been some friendships that I've outgrown that we didn't grow back together, because maybe we were doing different things at different speeds, right? So I maybe had kids with— so listen, I have a whole slew of friends that we were not on the same page when I was 22 with a 3-year-old. I wouldn't— I wasn't on the same page as any of my friends. And then all of a sudden my friends started getting married and having children. And so some of those friendships, we reconnected. You, you— someone said, how can you know when you've outgrown them? Well, you only have 24 hours in a day. You only have so much time. You only have so much space. You only— and some of you have to choose. Some of us have to choose to give some of that time to schooling our kids. Or working, taking care of a parent. There's a lot of things. And so it's not so much that the season outgrows them, it's that your season shifts and you have a limited amount of time. I was in the car yesterday and I texted two friends and I just said, hey, I don't want anything. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. We don't meet in the park anymore. More with our kids. And I was thinking about them and I told them, I don't hold that over their head. When you, how do you know? How do you know when it's time to go to the grocery store? How do you know? You know when you're running out of food. How do you know when you need to stop going to the grocery store? Because you keep going to catch a sale and your freezer is full, or your pantry is full, or there's no room in your fridge. How do you know when it's full? It doesn't mean it's bad. It doesn't mean the sale's not good. It doesn't mean that, you know, it's not good for you to have more veggies and more frozen organic green beans from Costco because that's the business, to have extra frozen fruit. You're just full. And it doesn't mean I don't have time for you. It just means that in this season of my life, these are the things that I have to prioritize. And if they are good friends, they'll understand. And if they don't understand because they're not yet in that season, give them time. But again, it's how you communicate to them. I love you so much and I miss you so much. And I so hate that this season of my life has left so little time for me to indulge in my friendships the way I want to. But just know that I love you. There's a lot of ways to communicate that, right? And when they get childish, you can love them and leave them. You don't have to be mean. You don't have to kick them to the curb. You just need to say, girl, I'm so sorry I've disappointed you. That is not my desire. I wish I could, I could engage in our friendship in the ways that I used to, but I just have to, I, you know, I have to work. I have the kids. I travel for a living. I'm not here as much as I like to be. And just know that, you know, that I wish, I, you know, I wish that our season of friendship now could be like the season of friendship we had then. But if it were exactly the same, then neither one of us would be growing now, would we? I mean, rewind that and write that down and use it, okay? Because I don't even know what I said, but you get the general gist of it, okay? You get the general gist of it. And I want you to know that if you constantly are trying to figure out how to stay in the same seasons with the same people for the same reasons, doing the same things, you will never grow. You won't. Now, it doesn't mean that the friendship has to be the way it's been. There are— I— there's a lady at our church that, um, she is one of the leadership ladies at our daytime Bible study, and she and a few friends, they get together. There's like 4, I think there's like 5 friends in their friend group, and they decided decades ago to get together 4 times a year for birthdays. They schedule them out. They're on the calendar, and they really don't see each other much more than that. Now, there were a season when they were raising kids together, doing their— okay, they're not in that season anymore, but they decided, we want to, we want to stay connected, and that's basically all they do. Okay, I have a friend of mine, and they just— and that's what they do. They celebrate their birthdays once a quarter, 4 times a year. There's a friend of mine who lives around the corner, and we You come to my house, I'll come to your house. Her son is the same age as one of my sons. And we haven't done it. And the other night, uh, I saw something of hers popped up on Facebook. I was on my phone sitting at a stoplight, don't judge. And so I literally called her and was like, hey girl, I just saw you're on Facebook. Are you busy right now? Because she just moved. We live 3 minutes from each other. She said, are you busy right now? She said, No, not really. I said, I'm coming over. She said, come on. So I went over there totally unscripted. Okay. This is one of my friends that I've known her now for so long and I've seen her get married, have children, like all these different things, but we're friends. And there was a season of her life when she is a single woman would come over, um, her and another friend. I would cook for them. It was fun for me. My husband traveled and it was me and my daughter at home. And we had at the time, there was just one little one and we'd put the little one to bed and we'd watch American Idol and I would cook and That was the thing. I was cooking for these single girls that were my friends. So now moving on, she's gotten married. She's had, she had kids and we don't do all that every day, but we hold each other loosely. And this is what you need to communicate in any relationship. Can I just ask you for grace? If they get mad at you, just say, can I just ask you for a little grace? And when they don't make it a big thing, Thank you so much, girl, for your grace, because you know I love you. But I will say that if you want friendship to be good and deep in your life, you need to intentionally, intentionally care for your friendships. So many women don't do that, and then 40 years later they look around and they have no friends. They poured themselves into their kids, and that, that's good. They poured themselves into their marriage, and that's good. But good girlfriends— pick a couple. Jesus was ministering to the whole wide world, but he had 12 friends, and then there were 3 that got to go up on the mountaintop with him. And you know what he did when they fell asleep when he was praying? He gave give him some grace. Okay, all right, y'all, I've been on now for an hour and 10 minutes. Y'all hear my— you hear me trying to— my vernacular there. Sometimes, y'all, when I was growing up, I talked too white. Then sometimes I was growing up, I talked too black. Then when my family was in Baltimore, I talked too Southern. I was country. Y'all, come on, where you go get that ball? And then when I would come back here, because after I was trying so hard to talk like I was not from Dallas, Texas, and then I tried to tighten up my tongue and work on the vernacular. And instead of saying ball, I said ball because I wanted to make sure that my cousins wouldn't make fun of me. So now I just slip up all over the place, whatever. Okay. Okay. Chaz said, uh, what do you do basically when marriage is hard because your partner has suffered trauma, um, and they refuse to get counseling? So again, that goes back to what I was saying earlier. You are responsible for you. You are responsible for you. And if he won't go get counseling, you go get counseling. You can't make somebody want healing for themselves just because you want it for them. You can pray about it. You can make sure you take care of you, because I will tell you that one of the most difficult things, and anybody who's taken care of another person caregiving for your parents or even a child, when they, when they are not happy with their lives, they will take it out on you. And one of the worst things in the world that we see happen with caregivers is that in caring for everybody else, they're the first— there are statistics that show how many caregivers succumb to illness, disease, and even death death before the people they were caring for. So you have to care for yourself. And I understand that it's really, really tough, which is why you have to figure out how to fill your pot. You have to fill out how to fill your vase, and you have to go out and say, I am empty. I'm gonna borrow the places and spaces of other people to get full. I'm gonna borrow the joy. I'm going to borrow the joy. Like even when you are, I mean, if you are in a position of leadership, like at work and you're building a team of people, make sure you're building a balanced team. Like if you've got one person on your team who is, you know, very methodical and intentional and serious, the next person you hire who's qualified might need to be joyful and bubbly and positive and fun. I mean, because that all affects you, you know, you get to choose who's around you. You, and you can choose in your friendships, friendships, even though you might have, let's say, 12 friends, maybe you know that you really need to spend time with 3 of those because those 3 people, not just be— they're not just your friend, they actually fill your cup. And then you can always look around and say, whose cup can I fill out of the overflow? Not, not in a draining way, but in out of the overflow of my filling. Yeah, Chaz said there's a spiritual gap, there's a psychological gap, and it's widening. Um, and I understand that, and you can't always control that, unfortunately. So what you have to make sure you do is that you take care of you while you take care of them, while you go as far as you can. Now, when I talked earlier about going into the red I realized that going into the red, sometimes we can't control. You're in the red when you have young children, you're in the red when you're studying for finals for your degree, you're in the red when you're studying for your bar exam, you're in the red when you're training for a marathon. Those are temporary commitments and decisions to reach a specific end goal. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about functioning as an ongoing way of livelihood in the red with no end. But you're constantly being pulled on. Um, Lisa said, I told my disabled husband that he had lived in denial 5 years, that I know he loves me because the person you love the most, you make them your punching bag. I have been his punching bag. Yeah, which is why you got to care for you. You got to care for you. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I love you all, uh, sharing in the comments because you're helping each other. Okay. Hmm. How do I close— Mercy Smart said— and nurture? How do I have a close and nurturing adult relationship with my parents, particularly with my father? So I'm close with my dad. Um, we have a great relationship. I know him very, very well and he knows me very, very well. Um, Um, but even in this season, what I have found is the best thing to get to know people, especially when there are existing roles and responsibilities, it is to be with them. That's it. Find a show that you like to watch. Pick a weekend to catch up on 2 or 3 weeks worth. You know, grab something that you both like. Maybe he likes to read, maybe you like to read. What does he like to do? He likes to fish, go with him, ask him questions. You can get one of those books, um, like 300 Questions. They sell them everywhere, Target. Barnes Noble's. Dad, I don't know that I really know you as a person, and I want to get to know you. I know this may be weird, but anytime we're together, can I just ask you 2 or 3 things? 2 or 3— 2 or 3 questions. Does he like working woodworking? Does he like building things? Does he like tinkering, fixing? What are you doing today, Dad? What are you doing this weekend? Oh, nothing, just, uh, working on this project in the garage. Well, hey, can Come over and hang out and do what? Just be with you. Sometimes the being with will teach you what to do. Because maybe you don't know what to do because maybe you really haven't been with them as a person. You've only been with them as a child and that's different. One of the things that I loved about being with my mom Um, in fact, I was looking at some pictures today where 3 years ago, 2 years ago, um, I spent my birthday week with her in East Texas doing nothing. We watched TV, we went out to eat. I was working on a project. She was working on a project. We talked, we were just together. We were just with. And I didn't like to do a lot of the things she liked to do. She loves to shop. I don't like to shop really. Um, you know, but being with, I would go over on Wednesday nights and just sit there, laugh, watch Family Feud, and there was a knowing of withness. So I want to encourage you with your families. With your husbands, with your children, to be with them, just with. My boys get so excited when I come into the game room to watch them play video games. I don't care about no video games, but there's some, there's a magic that happens when you go to be with. My man, my, my, my man, my man, my husband has a man cave. Created a space for him to do his thing. And, um, a couple of times, I mean, he's just happy to be by himself. He's a loner and, uh, he likes to kind of, you know, be away. And one day last week, the week before, a couple times in the last few weeks, I've just gone up there and just sat down. On his terms. Like, of course, you know, family dinner and errands and all the things we have to do every day, but on his terms, just watching what he wants to watch. And I want you to know that being with is a gift. My sister and I went to go visit a friend of ours, Miss Debbie Titus, um, who has shared publicly that she is fighting a cancer battle. She's a good friend of my mother's.. And, um, when we went to see her afterwards, she posted a picture of us together on Facebook. And she said, the girls gave me the gift of their time. And I'm thinking, we don't want to stay long. We don't want to interrupt. We, we want her to rest. We want, you know, we want her to have her space. We don't want her to feel intruded upon. And as we were there, it was just very clear that she Enjoyed the time being with, being with. Okay, I think I've covered a lot of them. If I didn't cover them specific— ooh, Kathleen, you said how to have a balance while you work together. You need to have lanes. I have to tell my husband, I call him the advisor for all things Chrystal Hurst in the Sister Circle, and I have to come to him and I have to say, okay, so I'm not asking you to make a decision. I'm asking you to advise me in my decision-making. Or I say, I don't need you to make a decision. I just want to vent. Can you just listen? Or I have to communicate, uh, Jesse, okay, so you, you asked me to do this, you know, in terms of a business decision, this was your advice. If I do that, X, Y, and Z will happen. And really I am in it every day and I'm seeing these challenges and I really think I need to go this way. I really appreciate your opinion, but we have established that we have lanes. You see what I'm saying? Like his lane in the businesses that I run are, is advising me. So we had to clarify that because every time I would come to him, he would make a decision and then I was supposed to just do what he said. But I wasn't asking, I was supposed to, I was asking him for input. You have to have lanes and you know, like even in our, even being home, we have to have lanes. I'm responsible for food. If he goes in the kitchen and just starts making decisions with all the food stuff, that's chaos for me. I shop based on a meal plan. So we had to say in our home, because your home, you're running a business. I read somewhere that moms make the best managers because they've been managing a home and managing the multiple people scheduling and the administrative tasks as well as the major decision-making. And they make great managers. I totally agree. But I, but I think that, you know, we had to say, okay, But it has to be somebody's domain. So I teach my children that there's domains. If the kitchen is dirty, I call on one child because it's his domain. Everybody's supposed to help. But when I come back into that kitchen, y'all, when I come back into that kitchen, it better be clean. And I know exactly which child to talk to if it's not. Not that everybody's not going to pitch in, but there's one person who's responsible. So you have to look at your business interactions together and say, who's responsible for the money? Who's responsible for this or that? Who's responsible for the vision casting? Who's responsible for the hiring and the firing? Who's responsible for the widgets? Who's responsible for the marketing? Like, you have to have lanes. And it doesn't mean that you can't help each other. It just means that you have to know whose lanes they are. And then you do as much respect, as much honor, and as much mutual respect Mutual. Okay. The Bible says that we are supposed to yield to each other. I mean, now granted there, you know, when you have to call uncle, I do believe that it's the husband's job to lead. But that said, um, we talked to Debbie Titus and her husband one time and he said, but often my leadership is— leaders, good leaders don't do everything themselves. If you work at a job, good leaders don't do everything themselves. Good leaders empower the people that work with them and for them to do the best job that they can. That's what a good leader does. So, um, a part of, uh, um, Mr. Titus's advice at one point in our marriage to us was If she's good at it, let her do it. Why, why would you do it just to say you did it so you could be in charge when she is good at it? Like, your leadership is allowing her to operate in her gifting. David Mann said he used to not take his wife into meetings because he was trying to be all mannish, and then he realized that she could read people. She could read the room. He said, I will never make a business decision again without my wife because it doesn't matter what she knows or doesn't know. It doesn't matter. What she's experienced or hasn't experienced. He said, she has a gifting and she knows me and she knows people. And I bring her in a room all the time now. Now, of course, you know, experience and all those things have changed. But initially he was like, I just thought she didn't know the business end of it, but she knew people. And he was like, she was given to me as a gift and as a help. And if I'm trying to do it all myself, I'm actually shooting myself in the foot. So. All right, y'all, I think, uh, Shelby said, during the time your husband traveled for work, did you Sharpie any responsibilities when he was home? I Sharpie everybody. I have lists for everybody. Now, I didn't Sharpie him. I did give him a honey-do list. I did say it would be so helpful because I've— I— and I, I had to learn as a wife to a husband who traveled a lot, how to not be in charge when he was home. So just yesterday, 2 days ago, my car wouldn't start properly this weekend. And I was making plans to take it to the dealership or take it to our Honda guy to have him look at it. And then I was like, wait a minute, wait a minute. My husband can do that. Like he's home, like he's not traveling. And if I ask him and he has the bandwidth to do it, why am I doing all this myself? Why am I doing all this myself? Tonight we had leftovers and I just looked at him and I said, hey, the salad, everything is chopped up. Everything's in containers. All you have to do is pull it out. The soup, it's in the pot. Can you just heat it up? Can you just handle dinner tonight so I can go do this? So you have to know that you don't have to carry it all on your plate. And so when you ask me about Sharpie, Sharpie-ing my husband, there's two ways to do that. One is you got to make clear what does need to be done. So Sharpie, list, whiteboard, communication, phone, shared reminders list, it doesn't matter. But, um, you also have to, um, then praise him out the wazoo when he does it. Thank you so much. I'm so glad. I saw my sister one day, she was complaining about something and I said, listen, when's the last time you pumped your own gas? And when's the last time you thanked your husband for pumping your gas? Do you thank him for pumping your gas? You didn't thank him for pumping your gas. Now I don't mind doing car stuff, but I will take my car to the dealership. I'm not doing it. I just take it to the dealership. Okay. So I think in principle, Gretchen and Shanita, I think I covered everything. I will say this, um, because Alexandra asked this question that I feel like— oh, you said dating. I didn't talk about dating. I'm going to leave that for the event, okay? I haven't dated in a really long time. What I can tell you is be his friend, have mutual friends so you see how he is for real around his people. And then you need wise people in your life to see things that you can't see. But have fun. Go on as many dates as you can with as many men as you can. I mean, men and women are to be known. Maybe I do have something to say about dating. Men and women are to be known, and not in the biblical sense. I'm saying that they are to be known like it's a gift to get to know people. So quit like going on the date with the one guy and then be like, oh my God, is he the one? I don't know if he's the one. You don't know if he's the one. You went on one doggone date. Like, enjoy the conversation, learn something about him, learn something about you. And when the next guy says, hey, are you seeing anyone? No, I'm not. You want to go on a date? I was— one of my friends just said, girl, I'm going on as many dates as I can. Some of them are Zoom calls, some of them are Zoom situations, whatever. I'm just like, let him take you out, enjoy a nice evening, give yourself a reason to get dressed up and go somewhere, and then realize that he don't have to be the one for you to enjoy his company. And then find out what his friends are doing. Like, have a game night, offer to do it. Hey, you know what, I'd really like to get to know some of your people, you know. Um, can we meet somewhere, maybe do something, go bowling? That'd be fun, wouldn't it be fun? Like, just relax, just— I mean, like, have fun. How many great friendships have you screwed up because the only thing you were looking for was a husband? I have great, great guy friends. I've known them for decades. It's just like, you know, I mean, I'm not like ridiculously great friends with all the guys I was in deep relationships with. I ain't doing that. Chrystal Hurst ain't allowing that. But what I'm saying is enjoy, my goodness. Have a good time. Okay, so Alexandra said, I didn't have a consistent positive male role model in my life, so I've gotten older. I realized that this has impacted the relationships that I've engaged in that didn't honor God or myself. How do I go about nurturing a different outlook without necessarily having a blueprint? You need married friends. This is one of the beauty of being in relationship with, with, um, like small groups where they're mixed with singles and couples, is that you just get to see, um, couples at work that are, you know, some of them hopefully that are healthy. Um, there are, there's a, there's a couple, a man and his wife in our church, and I, he's in media and his wife can cook. Oh my gosh, she can cook. And so after church some of the people from the media, they would go to their house for dinner. And a lot of the people in the media department were single. So she had a bunch of single people at her house every Sunday and they just had so much fun. But in that, they also were at the house with that man and his wife. It's okay for you to say, listen, I need a family. Like, I need a family. You know, if there's a couple in your church, like, would y'all adopt me? Can I come over here maybe once a month on a Sunday? There was another lady in our church, Mama Kay. She used to make dinner at her house. And one of the things that people learned, a lot of women learned from being with her— her husband was sick— what it looked like for her to honor her husband even while he was sick. She had dinner every Sunday, and mostly it was a bunch of, um, single men and women. And you know what the women used to do? I think it was every other Sunday or something, they would have like a mentoring hour. They would make up a circle, they would just ask her questions. Naylee said you have more friends than the population of Rhode Island. You know what I have, Naylee? I have a lot of acquaintances and I'm a very friendly person, but like true, like digging my, digging my business friends, I have actually very few. Okay. Okay. So Magnolia Molasses says, I wish I'd known all this before I got married. Well, you didn't. And now you do. So what are you gonna make of this one very precious life that you have? What are you gonna do? It's not too late. I have a friend who was married for the second time. She's raising her grandkids. She loves to golf. And at least 3 or 4 times a year, she goes on a golfing trip with her friends. And she didn't start doing that until she realized, I'm too old to not have a good time with my friends. All right. Ooh, I thought I had answered all of them, but I think I've touched on the principles that ought to be helpful. If you need to understand boundaries though, like dealing with people who are codependent relationships and abuse, and is this abuse? Or if you're talking about like, how far do I go? When am I in the red? Like, I would encourage you to read Boundaries by Henry Cloud. And then there's a second author after that, I forget his name, but I always remember the Henry Cloud part. Some of y'all will know. But I want you to, to remember that this is your life. And if you don't know the answer in the relationship that you're in, if you don't know the answer in the situation that you're in, Find it, read a book, get a counselor, ask for a mentor, talk to a pastor, do the thing. I want to remind you that the reason why I did this Q&A about relationships is because, um, we will be tackling relationships, all kinds of different relationships, uh, this weekend at the Sister Circle online event. You can find out more about that by going to chrystalevanshurst.com tsc.online. It is an event where we'll be talking about the practical stuff that you need to live with focus, to find balance. There you go, Dr. Townsend. Thank you. To find balance and then to also have healthy relationships. And if you are trying to start a business, build a business, or scale a business, our Deep Dive Summit starts tomorrow morning at 11:30 Central Central Standard Time. And that's the business summit. And then we begin tomorrow night with our main event for the weekend, our first main event for everybody else with our keynote, Lisa Bevere. We have Jan Greenwood, Dr. Adita Phillips, Erica Campbell, not to mention all of the breakout session people. I'm so, so, so very excited about this year's Fall Sister Circle online event. So if you haven't registered for it, it's not too late. Um, but once we close registration tomorrow night, it's closed. The end. So invest in yourself if you can. And if you can't right now, cause listen, y'all, COVID-19 to the max, COVID-19 to the max. That's why I'm here doing this Q&A. So I hope this has been a blessing to you. I hope you have been encouraged and I hope you never forget that yes, you are supposed to pour into other people. Yes, you are supposed to navigate your life. Yes, you are supposed to be kind. Yes, you are supposed to sacrifice, but you are also supposed to focus on the girl in you. Why? Why? Because you are the only one of you who will ever cross this planet. Ever. Ever. And if you don't do you, no one else else will, nor can they. It's an impossible situation. No one else can do you and fill your shoes. So that means you have to do you. Okay, I hope this has been helpful to you. Go love on your people, or love on yourself. Put on a candle, make yourself some hot tea. Drink some water, you know, put on a show you like, grab a book, get your fuzzy socks, get a good night's sleep. And remember, you only get to live this life one time, so choose to live. I'll talk to y'all later, and I will see you Monday on YouTube and Facebook and Instagram if I don't see you this weekend. But if you are coming to the online event, I will see you tomorrow. Okay, y'all, talk to you later.