S 2: Episode 1.2: Shundria Riddick and Wynter Pitts Discuss Loving Yourself and the Myth of Balance

Let's talk about loving yourself for a minute. Um, I— so earlier today, Shandrea, you sent me on Instagram a picture of this girl with this big old head of hair, and I was like, is this you? So you were getting your hair done. Okay, you said you're gonna get your hair done this week. What are some practical things that you do to take care of you, whether that's you know, hair or what are the things that you do to make room for you? Because I think one of the things when you are busy in the everyday, busy doing the things you love, busy doing the things that you have to do, um, busy putting your head down and focusing on the things that are in front of you, especially for women, we tend to then not do a good job of taking. So what does that, what does that mean? Like in the, for real, like, The practical, what do you do?

This is always a hard question because I, you already know this, but like I lean to the not busy. So it's okay, like I literally will just go take a nap. Like regardless of the emails, like regardless of the Jonathan's texting me, like did you do this shit? Did you do this shit? Like I literally don't have a hard time.

Like I, You sound like a lady of leisure. I just want you to know that's what you sound like right now.

Even though it's not.

So that's why I say it. I know. You're like, you know what?

I take naps. Because then I wake up and Jonathan is there like, babe, like you didn't get anything done. So I kind of have to push myself the other way. I find that anyway, so that's my, it's kind of the opposite. Like I have to push myself to not.

So you feel like it's easy for you to take care of you?

It's easier for me to check out. So it's easier for me to say, I'm not doing this tonight. I got a book deadline, but I'm going to the movies.

So that's not necessarily always a taking care of you. It's an I don't want to deal sometimes.

Yeah. But yes. So for me though, because that is what feels good to me, that's a comfortable place for me to do that. So it is taking care of me because that's what makes me comfortable. So I have to push myself the other way. I'm outside of that. I hope I'm not the only one.

You are.

I'm just looking at her like, yeah, that's me. I'm sorry. I know.

Priscilla's like that too though. She'll be in a hot second and be like, yeah, this is—

Which is so bad because we are just not good for each other. It is so not. Just all day, I'm gonna bring my computer over, we're going to get some work done.

Okay. So if it's not going to happen, what about— Like if your husband was going to ask you or if he was going to do something for you that he knows, he knows that you would like besides giving you room to take a nap, what would that be?

I mean, I'm serious. Like if you ask him what I would want, he would say like he's, he always, he actually posted on Instagram not long ago. He's like, I've learned after 15 years, like our first day away, like as soon as we walk into the hotel, it was a picture of me in the bed. Like, Like, literally, if he was going to give me something, it's a quiet day to myself. And that might— I mean, I might read a book, I might just sit and look at nothing, I might look at Netflix. But like, that is— that's just kind of— and then, you know, later on I might want to— yeah, even that, because sometimes even like shopping, get my nails done, that all feels like work to me. Like, that feels like— no, this is not supposed to sound like this. I'm like, that just takes— that's time that I would rather just be sitting home doing nothing. Like, I just—

so, um, That's very interesting. But it is because I think one of the things that I admire about you, and I've told you this, is just that you, for better or for worse, you operate from a place of rest. Like, you just are not getting off.

I'm just looking at you like, what? No, it's a balance.

It can be.

Seriously, I've had to— like, the same way that people have to work to rest, I have to work to come out of that. Like, cause it can easily be, I just, I've not done anything. Like I just have not gotten anything accomplished and there are things to be done. So my work for me is really to push outside of the, like the rest.

And not just even for getting things done. You've talked about that as far as relationship and community, like having to work at that so that you don't get stuck in your, cause you'd be perfectly happy by yourself.

Yeah.

Okay. What about you? What do you do to take care of you?

Oh man, I don't do anything.

What should you do to take care of you? That's not true. You get your eyebrows done.

I get my eyebrows done.

On a regular.

Yeah, but—

That's still functionally taking care of you.

Kinda, maybe.

You're like, it's necessary.

It's necessary.

Because this right here is—

It just starts growing in. Yep.

Eyebrows done, yeah, every now and then, but I think— I don't know. My drive is in my car. Sorry. That's just like that.

That's it.

Like riding in the car by myself.

But you're saying that is—

that's one, how I take care of myself, right?

I don't have it like— look, no, no, no. But do you feel like that— I'm trying to understand if you're saying this is how I take care of myself or this is the only way I'm currently taking care of it.

Currently, that's, that's, that's my time is in my car because my kids are so busy. They have busy lives. So I have to take the things like —using— Is Ellie driving yet?

She's no driver.

She's starting, yeah. Okay. So, I mean, I'm busy. So I have to use what I'm doing, like moments in what I'm doing, to take care of myself. So if that means instead of going in with them, I sit in the car for an hour and wait and use that time by myself just to kind of calm myself and empty out a little bit, then I do that.

Push the recline button on the seat for a second.

Yes, and fall asleep sometimes, you know. Mm-hmm. So there, I don't know right now, I don't really have anything that I actually plan to do. No, no, no, no, no.

You're reading a book right now. Like you told me that you're reading a book.

I'm reading this book right now. Yeah, I know.

I got to tell you about this book a little later. Yes, tell me about the book. Okay. So she's reading. You also told me recently that you are staying up later at night.

I am. I do wake up. To do what? Well, to read, to write. I do.

Okay.

And I need that time by myself.

So you're creating, you're creating space with the space that you have available. Exactly. Do you feel like you are actively creating that space or you're stumbling into it?

Because there's a difference. I think initially I stumbled. Initially I was like, okay, well, I guess I could sit in the car and wait. But now I'm very intentional though.

You're like, no, y'all go in.

I'm staying. Yes, y'all go in. Y'all will be okay. You know, call me if you need anything, text. I'm sitting right here.

Right.

And that night I'm like, all right, everybody needs to go to bed and go to your room.

Mm-hmm. You know? Yep. Yeah. I think one of the things that people are struggling with, when the women I hear about, they're like, okay, but I don't have time. I mean, I just got an email recently where someone said, okay, you mentioned on the podcast with Meredith Andrews, um, to create in the cracks. What if you don't have any cracks? Well, You know, I've been really thinking about how to answer that because I don't know her life specifically. What I do know is that we all have 24. That's what I know. And even the person who's riding the subway to work back and forth and all they have is that 15-minute ride, that's a crack. Now, I mean, I think that you would agree, we, we have so many things that can fill those cracks. TV can fill those cracks. Social media can fill those. There's a lot of time that we waste, but I mean, I hope you see the extreme here. I mean, but it's good. It's good. I mean, you're saying I'm finding space in the car, dropping kids off, going back and forth to work. You're saying I've got space that I will make room for regardless because this is how I am. And I have to realize that I don't need that, you know, I need to come out of that and put my energy and my time into the things that are— I'm saying that I need to be focused on. But either way, it takes intentionality. I mean, I think that's the thing. It takes intentionality. Y'all talk to women who are struggling with balance. What do you typically see are the problems? Like, we all are struggling with balance, but what are the problems? What are they not seeing?

What are their blind spots? I think that— and then we'll let the official go— but, um, I think what happens is because it doesn't look like— it doesn't look the way they want it to look, so then they can't see it any different. Like, but like you're saying, it's 24 hours. Like, it may— it doesn't need to look like an hour of quiet time for you to be able to get a couple of minutes to yourself, you know. And so then to them it just looks like I don't— I can't find any time, I have no balance. And it's just, I think, readjusting like to what the ideal is, to seeing reality, and then finding it, finding the space in the reality, going with what you have.

Yep. And not getting stuck because you don't have it the way you want to. Yeah. What about you?

I would say the same. I think it's expectation. I think some people think that it has—

give us the counselor definition. Right.

Well, I think we get our expectations from being exposed to things around us. So if we see that Chrystal, you know, has scriptures all over her house and, you know, I don't have the time to do that and I have these two little, you know, kids that I'm, you know, twins that I'm nursing all day. I don't have time to sit down and write scriptures to paste all over my house, so that means I'm a failure. So, and I think because we're exposed to so many pictures, I mean, so many images, so many, you hear people talk and then we create these expectations within ourselves and then we feel like a failure. So a lot of women just have these expectations of themselves that are irrational, that you can't do it. You can't do everything. So normally I just say you have to create it in your, like she said, creating your space. You have to be creative about how you do it and what it looks like in your life. So if that means writing a scripture on a piece of paper and tucking it in your wallet and in your purse or in your pocket.

Or taking a screenshot of it on your wallet. Yeah, taking a screenshot. That's right.

And doing that and you can just pull it up, then that's what it is for you.

You today.

And today it may be 5 minutes because you don't have an hour in the morning. Maybe 5 minutes when somebody's, you know, crawling around on the floor and the other one's, you know, doing whatever, and you have that second to read that scripture.

Mm-hmm. I think what's interesting is, as you're talking, I'm thinking, I'm good for a tantrum, you know what I mean? I'm good for, it's not the way I want it, and whining about the fact that it's not the way I want it, and expressing my emotional frustration that it's not the way I want it. And then not wanting to, not being able to see that even though it's not the way I want it, I still can change it from where it is right now. And we kind of just throw the baby out with the bathwater, you know what I mean? It's like, okay, if I can't go to 5:00 AM to write at Starbucks and get my tea and have my corner table, you know, if I walk in, there is a table at the Starbucks down the street that I like to write at. And if I walk in and somebody has beat me to it, it makes me feel like, well, I can't write today. That's it. You know what I'm saying? Or, you know, or I planned to have, uh, you know, a party. Say I throw a party for one of my kids for their birthday and things are just not coming together. Oh, this is just going to be— this is not going to be— they don't even know what I was planning on doing. And so just being able to go with, you know, what is it called, roll with the punches and just move on to the next best thing. And I do, I see a lot of women going, well, since it can't look like that, or I see what you put it, you know, put on social media and this is how you do it, well, I can't do that. So then, oh well, I guess I'm stuck. Yeah, it's comparison. It's comparison. I know a lot about that. I just talked about that this morning. Anyway, and as I was talking, have you ever heard yourself talking? I know you have because you've spoken and you've spoken. Have you ever been in the middle? Yeah, in the middle of talking, Bible in front of you, points, sticky statements, verses, and been like, I wasn't doing this yesterday. Am I speaking Jesus? Okay, conviction. Right? Yep. Thus saith the Lord. Thus saith he to me.

Yes, I'm talking to clients sitting across from me thinking, I should do this, it sounds good.

I'm the therapist and I need a therapist because I'm not working this out right now in my life.