S 2 Episode 2.3: Jada Edwards Discusses Motherhood, Adoption and Loose Ends

So I want to talk to you about motherhood. So you mentioned about your family.

You're the queen mother.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I've just been doing it a while. That's it. You, on the other hand, have small children only.

I do.

And so it's fun to watch. I'm glad it's fun for the outsider. She's one of my many, uh, Charis uh, aunties because, you know, I had Charis when I was 19, my oldest, and so all of my friends were also 19, so, or younger. Yeah, we have a new— we have a little plate, we have a toy, we have a doll. And so, um, so anyway, so getting to watch you this season of motherhood is interesting. But what you did not say earlier about motherhood is that you are a mother of two through adoption. I am, right, through adoption. But we were talking earlier, and I think your arrival at the decision to adopt is interesting because— not deep. Yeah, so go ahead and say how you got there.

So we were having sex and I didn't get pregnant.

Okay, so most people don't say that. We were like, oh, fill out the paperwork. Yeah, most people say we were having sex, we weren't getting pregnant, and we started down the road of trying to figure out why this isn't happening and doing all the things to fix it. And I don't know that we're saying— what we're not saying is we there's a right or wrong way to approach it. I just thought it was very interesting because the assumption is, okay, you've adopted and y'all were married for how long before you adopted?

12 years.

Okay, so they've been having sex for a while, not getting pregnant, and you know, the assumption is, oh, the adoption was the choice after you tried all these other things to have your own. Yeah, and you were just like, mm, no.

Yeah, and actually my husband, and I tend to be a stressor, which is why I have to deal with a lot of grace and humility. I was like, oh my God, I'm supposed to da da da. What happened? Oh, I know what happened. We planted a church, and so we lived and breathed that church for 7 years, and I was like, my ovaries.

Yeah, baby.

So really what happened was I did, I was like, so, but I did, I take that back. I did talk to my OB-GYN one time, and I was like, I'm not getting pregnant. She was like, what's going on in your life? You know, good OB-GYNs counsel too. And so I was like, oh, we're planning a church and doing this. And she was like, mm-hmm. So she said, you know, pregnancy is not just physical. You need to be non-anxious and non-stressed and get sleep.

Not have 7 jobs.

You can't just eat Doritos all day and not sleep. And then I was like, you know what? People don't realize how hard it is to get pregnant. When you get pregnant, you don't think about it, but it is actually a lot of things that has to happen. So it wasn't happening. And I was like, okay. So here's what we need to do. And my husband was like, let's just adopt. And I was like, okay. And that was it. And I'm trying to remember how we talked about adoption when we first got married. I think we were— I don't think we said, ooh, we're going to adopt. We were just like— I think it came up though in some kind of way, but not in any intentional, we're trying to save the world way. We just were like, this is not happening.

We weren't trying to go to Rwanda.

Yeah. Now my husband even is much better than me at the idea of when something is challenging or hard. Okay, stop. What's this? Okay, God, what are you doing? So he— now if we need to press and go in, he can go in. Now he's a presser, but if he's not feeling like this is where we need to spend time and money— and listen, at the end of the day, adoption is cheaper than in vitro. If I'm gonna spend money, I can bring a child that's already—

let me press it.

Hold on, let me say something real quick. I don't want people to be offended. Because people are like, "Well, I'm trying eggs, freezing, on, having babies, other stuff." I get it. There are people in our church who had babies through in vitro, people through fostering, people through infant adoption. This was our choice, and honestly, I feel like we just said, "Okay, this is not working. God, what's next?" "Oh, adoption." And it happened. And here's how I know it was the Lord, because we applied and had a baby in our home in like 9 months, which is unheard of. Both times.

Both times.

And so it just was the path for us, and we just didn't have a long drawn-out infertility story. And you don't have to try to knock down every single door before you try something different. It's just, you don't have to try to exhaust every option before you try something different.

So, because I have to— I know what somebody's thinking. Somebody's thinking, But don't you, so you just don't have any desire to have any of your own? Did that just not, does that just not exist? Did it evaporate? Is it just not as strong?

I think, I don't know if it evaporated. Okay, so here's what I think happened, at the risk of sounding spiritual. I remember telling God, okay God, I want kids. I want to have kids, I want to have all this stuff, and you know, you scrolling through stuff, friend's life, and I wanted to have kids. And a big significant thing happened that might seem unrelated to you, but if you know yourself like I do myself, I knew it was significant. A woman that I had been discipling for a couple years— I remember having just this all-out cry fest because I was tired of being spiritual, being like, the Lord is faithful, he's gonna do it. I was like, you know what, God, I'm getting kind of upset, and I don't have any kids. And I was hitting that raw point You know, which I think sometimes God waits for, and be like, "Will you quit with all the spirit? Just tell me how you really feeling." And I remember going, "Oh my God, I'm never gonna have kids," and it was all dramatic. And a young woman who I'd been discipling for a couple years, probably 2 or 3 years, called me that same day. And she had just had a history with relationships with guys. I mean, bad decision after bad decision. And she calls me and she goes, "Guess what?" I met this guy and we went out a couple times, but you know what, he said this, he did this, and I started asking about his relationship with the Lord and it sounded fuzzy. You know what I told him? I said, you need to talk to my spiritual father or I think this is not gonna work. And that sounds so minor, but I knew how significant that was for her. Okay, I was like, oh my gosh, she's deciding on her own. This is not a come to the rescue. On her own, she decided not to be in this relationship. And that is important because in that moment after I hung up, it was emotional. It made me cry. I was like, oh my gosh, I felt so proud of her. And the Lord said in that moment, Jada, this is what you want. It's not about babies. You want to influence. However I choose to allow you to be an influencer, I will do it. And it was like a release. It really was the first time where I was like, oh my gosh, my life can be full and content. If the Lord never gives me children. And it was because of that phone call, because he gave me someone I've been pouring into, and I saw them make a decision, and that's really what I wanted to influence. The baby stuff is cute, but what I really wanted— he knew my heart's desire. And I was like, okay, okay, I'm good. Then I was like, wait a minute, are you saying I'm never going to have kids? You know, sometimes revelation is bittersweet. So I was like, oh God, you're so good. Wait a minute. So 3 weeks later we got the phone call for Jovan. But I'm thankful because I'm so glad I did not bring the baggage of needing my kid to feel something in me before he came. I really am glad that God was like, if I don't bring this, you're good. Your life is gonna be good. And so all that is the backstory to say why the desire— I won't say it's vanished, But it's not an overwhelming— I don't think of them as not my own.

Do you know what I'm saying?

The only time I'm reminded is when somebody has a maternity shoot. Like, that's the whole thing now, you know, you're out in the jungle.

Girl, and the gender reveals. Underwater gender reveal.

Listen, I had a gender reveal. Somebody called and was like, we got you a boy. I was like, ahh! I didn't have no cupcakes.

Just sidebar, just sidebar. If you know that you are going to be disappointed If you want a certain sex and you're not going to get it, don't video the gender reveal.

Don't video it.

Because your child is going to see that the day you found out, you were like, that you were disappointed. If you have a preference, don't do the reveal. It's not healthy. It's not healthy for you, it's not healthy for your family, it's not healthy for your future baby.

Don't be like, dang it.

Just sidebar. Yeah. Sidebar.

So I think there's moments because I am a mother where I'm like, ah, maternity stuff would have been fun, but I mean, those are fleeting and shallow.

They are not, "Oh man, I wish I had gone through labor." And the reality is, is there are experiences that you have that other people have not.

Yes.

So we, we have our experiences, valuing our experiences, being honest about the— maybe the longings that we have for certain ones that we missed, but not dwelling on what we've missed but focusing on what we have.

Yes, because I, when I talk to my friends who have all bio kids, biological kids, and I talk to them about what it's like to be in the hospital room with a young woman who's choosing not to abort, to still bring a child into this life and give him over to someone else to parent. Oh my gosh, you can't replicate that. So it doesn't matter what your journey is. Number one, God meets the desires of your heart, even if you don't know what they are. He will bring them to you. So even if he hasn't brought the man and brought the kid and brought the whatever, I promise you there's something in your life now that is already meeting whatever it is you want. And number 2, when he does do it, it's gonna be sweet in its own way. It's not— it's, it's, you know, it doesn't have to be— it doesn't have to measure up against somebody else's. It just is just your life and your story. And so I have a lot of moments that when I'm talking to other adoptive parents, we just Yes. We have our moments, right?

So here's another question.

So— Do I still have on lip gloss?

Enough? You have enough lip gloss on.

Okay. Somebody out there like, "Her lip gloss is gone." It is.

I still see some pink. Okay, cool. I do. So it has to do with living with the unknown. So based on what you're saying, You never, you nor Conway ever have investigated why we haven't had kids?

No, I might wind up pregnant this year.

Girl, you know what the Bible says.

That ain't funny. I'm kidding, Lord. I'm kidding.

I'm like, Proverbs 18.

Kidding, Jesus.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I don't know that I—

So that's a loose end.

Yeah, I don't believe I was infertile. I just believe the timing wasn't right.

Okay, so that's a loose end. And somebody's going, but how could you not know? How could you not forget in vitro and all the things to make it happen? Why don't you even want to know?

Why do I need to know?

I'm just, you know, people struggle with loose ends.

Yeah. I don't know why I need to know.

And so you don't, you're not even curious? Mm-mm. Okay.

I honestly am not even curious. I, because if I found out What does it change? What does it change? It probably opened up a whole nother conversation with God. Wait a minute, you telling me all this time I could have? Oh, I'm not. So that's why. And part of my story is that as my kids start to understand the details of their adoption story, I will love to be able to say it wasn't because we were infertile. That's not everybody else's story. That's mine.

Like, you were not Plan B. Yeah, you were not our last resort. You're it, babe.

Both of y'all are it. So that's just part of my story. I love that part.

That's good. Mm-hmm.

That's good. Trying to make me cry.

I see it.

That is her life goal. Get out! She tries to rub it out. That's the next thing. She tries to rub it out since long as I can remember.

Jeez. Yes, but it was coming. I was almost there.

Tear exploitation.

You pulled back.

You pulled back the tears.

One more thing I want to ask you along these same lines of living with loose ends. I happen to know that you're passionate—

That's a book title.

It is. Don't take it. We can write it together. Okay.

Okay.

Let's do that. Ideas. Y'all can't take it. We told y'all we're going to have to edit that out.

They are. Somebody's going to take it.

This is a blog. Right. But you're passionate about women who are struggling with why they haven't gotten married, because that's a big loose end for a lot of women. Why not me? What's wrong with me? Why she's getting married? She's ugly. She doesn't have, you know what I mean? Like you start looking at all—

We say it, don't we?

I'm just saying, you start looking at all the women and what's wrong with them as to why it's not wrong with you.

She doesn't do her hair.

Yeah, she doesn't do her hair. I mean, come on. I say this when I speak, but it's true. I've been in— we've all been in a parking lot, probably Walmart, and seen that guy with that woman. And you're like, how in the world did she land him? Or why is he with her? Like, you thought it. So then you, especially when you're not married, you start going, something must really be wrong with me. So what is your counsel to women who are not married and that is their big loose end? And they're trying to figure out what's wrong with them.

Well, first of all, nothing's wrong with you. So I think there's a backwards approach to that, to say that if my life is not turning out the way I expected, something's wrong with me, because then I'm, I am putting my expectation for life against God's plan for my life and saying that mine was the better one, right? What you should be saying is, if I'm not doing what God's asked me to do, something's wrong. There's something is wrong with you because God knows what you can do and what he has for you to do. So I just think you don't want to put your plan up against God's plan because once you start saying things are wrong when they're not going your way, you're elevating your way over God's way. But the second thing is, is I think number one, it's a healthy and normal desire to want to be married. So that's not a—

I'm not trying to tell people it's a healthy and normal desire also to want to have sex.

It is.

I'm just saying because some, some people, they want the companionship and some people are like, Lord, I'm burning. It is hellacious up in here.

And let me tell you something, you can be married and have less sex than when you was trying to live righteous.

Let me tell you, I think, I think, don't do it for sex. I think the hidden secret, for real, I think the hidden secret is I finally get married and 5 years in, he's not helping me out.

He's not helping me out. Or life happens.

Or life happens.

Life happens. And stress. Health issues. Life issues.

All the things.

Stress issues. We're not emotionally connected.

It just happens, y'all.

It's the enemy trying to set Sell you up. you a bill of goods. He's trying to make you think that if you just get this thing, life will be better. You— companionship, not guaranteed. You can be married and lonely. Sex, not guaranteed. You can be married and celibate. Money, not guaranteed. You can be married and broke. So it's just like, it's just all— it's just not— unless you are like, gosh, I really feel like God's purpose for me cannot be fulfilled until I'm married. If that is your desire, go for it. If it's anything other than that, be happy where you are. Listen in on a marriage counseling session.

That'll, that'll do it.

You know, so get some married friends. I just—

be in a mixed group where there are married couples and singles.

Yes.

Just need to turn the light on in your head.

So I'm saying number one, we're glad we're married.

We're just saying, don't, don't, don't over—

it's not, it's not a trophy. It's not a prize. It's not better than some other life. It's just the one that God has for me.

It's just different.

So my adopted kids are not better or worse than someone's biological kids. It's the one that God had for me. It's just— so I would say, first of all, don't try to spiritualize the desire away. Like, the Lord's calling me to celibacy and singleness. No, you might have the desire for a very long time and not— and God choose not to meet that desire. Uh, number 2, believe that really this is— that whatever life you're living, if you're going hard after God, that's your best life, that the thing he's given you to do does not require a husband and might actually be hindered. What a waste to go before God at the end of life and for him to say, this is the thing I had for you and it stayed on hold while you were waiting on the thing you wanted for yourself. I mean, oh my gosh, what, what up? I'm not even trying to be deep, I'm just It's like if you realign your heart to be burdened, broken, losing sleep over the idea that you might not do all that God has for you, then marriage will just be a descriptor to the path that he has you on. And if it's not the descriptor he has for you, that doesn't alter the path. It just says that's not what you needed.

Yeah.

It's just, there's bigger burdens than singleness. I'm not diminishing singleness because that's the pain.

Yeah, because somebody's going, that's easy for you to say.

No, it's the pain I felt 12 years being married while all my friends were married with kids and really facing the idea that God might not ever do it, you know. So it's just, man, my hope is that for women to be brokenhearted and losing sleep over the idea that they might miss the thing that God has for them, because otherwise you end up being a very smart woman doing very dumb things. And I can tell you the marriages I can name 5 marriages that did not last a year. I can name them right now.

Because it was a smart woman doing something dumb.

It was a smart woman doing something dumb. And I promise you, being a divorcee does not fix the whatever gap you feel like is in your life. It just adds another thing to heal from. Being in a bad marriage is another thing to heal from. So it really is, at some point, you got to believe and convince yourself that, yes, I have a healthy desire., but God knows better because you know, if you get married tomorrow and it's great, I promise you, you're not going to be content. You're going to go down to the next desire, whatever's next on your list. That's just how it works.

You just keep going through the list.

That's how we're wired.

We have to learn contentment because we're not naturally wired that way.

We're not default to it.

I love it. This is so good. I want you to know that Jada gets contentment. Stop! They smell good. I took a bath this morning.

Oh, this morning?

I have had my foot down for a solid—

Oh no, I asked you, did you need to prop it up?

No, I'm just joking. I just wanted to have an excuse to put my foot in your lap because she's petting my foot. That's what friends do, they touch your feet. Girl, ain't nobody touching my foot. Oh no, no, no painting, no pedicure, no, no nothing. We have to protect the foot.

We need some oil on this foot.

You know what, you can pray over me with some oil anytime you want. Or do like I used to do with my daughter when I would run out of oil. I'd be like, this I have to do. The Holy Spirit can interpret.

Jesus healed eyes with that spit.

Hello! Spit is holy. Y'all, thanks for joining us. We hope you enjoyed it and we hope you're encouraged to live your life well. Because that's what we want you to do. We want you to live your life well.

Find a good friend.