S 3 Episode 1: Bianca Olthoff and Jada Edwards

Y'all, okay, so listen, listen, this is about to be so much fun. I just know it. It's about to be fun because this one right here is a riot, and this one right here—

but I feel like I'd be my best behavior. No, I'm like, you guys are like the extra hoes. You're the chosen, the chosen one. I just, I got in by, by grafting in the wild olive branch, so I don't know how I'm here.

We're barely in.

We're right, we're barely in.

Oh, okay.

Yes. Okay, and then y'all, Jada has been on the show before, so y'all know. So actually, Jada was grafted into this interview because I've been trying to talk to Bianca for a long time, and then Jada was going to come up in this room and sit and eat her lunch, and I was like, oh no, no, no, if you're going to be in the room, you can eat on the couch.

I was trying to be free bondage. It sucks me in every time.

I'm great though, I bring it all together. It's fine.

We Oreo'd her, did y'all see the Oreo? We Oreo'd her. Yes. You didn't know that you could Oreo a Hispanic person? It doesn't have to be a white person.

It's a chocolate Oreo.

Darker brown on the outside and a little bit lighter brown on the inside.

You're cutting it close. You almost could be in the middle.

Listen, I'm a black girl. Leave me alone, I'm a black girl.

Women of color, it's the couch of color.

Let's say couch of color. Okay, so Bianca. Yes. This is the one thing for sure, if I don't ask you anything else, this is the one thing I gotta ask you. Okay. Okay, so you have this thing that you say all the time. You put it on Instagram.

I'm so afraid right now.

No, because you say it all the time.

Don't judge me. What did I say?

Even when we were at IFF recently, you said it again.

Oh, oh, I know what you're talking about.

Because you know what the thing is.

I do.

Okay, the saying is no ringy, no dingy. Okay.

And I edited it because it was no blingy, no dingy, but then people are like, well, what if a brother can't afford a diamond? So I had to make it just you. Oh, I get it.

So spiritual.

So spiritual.

Spiritual. No, so now it's no ringy, no dingy.

Okay, but why? What does that mean, first of all, for the people who may not be catching up? They may be in the back, they may be all the way in the back. And then why do you say this?

Okay, so it is a— it's my purity talk in one sentence. And, um, some people have said like, well, what does no dingy mean? Uh, ask Pastor Tony Evans, he'll answer that for you. Um, no, it's, it's, it's— this is Songs of Solomon, straight up, "Do not awaken love until it's ready." Basically, keep your legs crossed until you found the one. And I like to use humor because I feel like we could absorb truth when it's funny, and it's funny because it's true. And so, the conversation right now in culture, and even within church culture, is that it's acceptable. Like, it's, "Well, you know, they're older, they've been waiting, they're gonna have children." Are you serious?

For real.

Oh my gosh, people in leadership, people on paid staff, I'm just like—

That it's accepted. I know that they're doing it, but I'm just saying, they're rationalizing it.

They're rationalizing it and there's this level of acceptance.

It's not condoned or endorsed, but they're like, "Well." Anything that's an extreme hard truth now, it doesn't hit.

It's a little watered down. So I feel like I gotta come out swinging on this because we are allowing people to be in sin And we want to make certain sins the ones that we talk about and the ones we put a stake in the ground on. But I'm like, hey, it's everything. It's everything. And so I do feel like I love going after the millennials. Technically, I am a millennial.

Technically, I'm a millennial too.

Wait, wait, are you for real? Wait, the 27-year-old version of you?

Yes, the 27-year-old version of me.

I like to give my spiritual age. My spiritual age is 26 years old.

27.

There you go, yeah.

I don't want to be 27, because I was a fool. I'm glad to be who I am now.

You got better with time.

Praise Jesus.

That's right. Better with time.

He don't want me to be 27.

Okay, but okay, you know, we kind of jumped into the deep end. Okay, this is something that we're talking about because you're a woman who is a teacher, Bible teacher, in leadership, in ministry.

Yes.

So are you, you're a pastor's wife, which by the way, people who are in ministry, I just want you to understand that you can have purple and yellow hair. Okay, let's go with that. You can always be fly. Bianca is always fly and always wearing some great shoes.

Wow, thank you ladies.

I just say it.

Wow.

It's like a culture compliment. Yeah, come on. This woman in ministry always wants to be in pajamas, and I don't apologize for it. But I'm saying there are other women who always step out—

Fresh to death. Because people are gonna die in sin, you might as well just tell them the truth and do it in high heels and big eyelashes.

Come on, boom.

You smell like pepper.

Oh, the anointing comes when you put on the lashes. 'Cause when you blink, people feel the Spirit of God.

It's a way to freshen them on yourself.

Okay, so I'm gonna tell you a secret. So, all these people are like paying all this money, and they're getting removed—

They're doing the individual lashes.

The individual lashes, and I'm like, Boo, you don't know what that glue's gonna do to your eyes. You might be blind, have cataracts in 10 years. So these—

A broke cornea.

A broke cornea. These are actually magnet lashes. They are?

They work! Oh, I've seen them!

Well, so I paid for the bougie ones that were like $68.

But I've heard there's some non-bougie ones.

These are Ardell, $13.99, CVS, right here.

Okay, so wait.

So here's the secret. Everyone's like, "They don't work, they don't work," 'cause you don't know what you're doing.

Girl, bless you.

So you gotta—

They work, look at them.

Right?

Boom.

Right, and then you can cry, they don't come off. The glue doesn't irritate your eyes.

Girl, wait a minute. I just want you to know. Girl, you just set me free! You just set me free!

You just set me free! There's freedom in this place.

You could do the natural ones and you could do like, I like the RuPaul ones. I want them to almost touch my eyebrows.

Because the big thing was, I had a friend who said you ought to try it and everybody was like, it's not gonna work, it's not gonna work.

But yours, you have lovely lashes. You have lovely lashes, it's gonna look so natural. But I need to thicken them, yeah, I need to thicken them. Yep, same here. I actually, I'm proud of my lashes. But what you do is you, just as you did now with your lashes, so you probably curled, You put them out? Oh, they naturally curl.

Tell her who I am.

Black people don't curl.

No, it's not even a Black thing. Tell her who I am.

No, I'm saying—

Am I doing anything other than— Do white people have straight lashes? If you have straight hair, your lashes are straight.

No, I mean, no, often, because my hair is stick straight, bone straight, and my lashes are curled.

I did not know this. Yeah, I don't know a Black person that curls their lashes.

I tried to use lash curlers and I thought, what's the point of this? Because I did the lash curler and I thought he did it right.

They probably were so curled they curled into your eyelid.

No, no. We don't have curlers. I mean, not say we, I'm sure there's some black people that use it, but 99% of black people don't use curlers.

They're beautiful, naturally, that God naturally curled them.

I put my mascara to straighten them, to get a looser curl, you know what I'm saying? Because otherwise it'll be—

So do you beat from the backside or you beat from the—

Oh, wow. And then once it kind of starts—

So beat is a verb?

I do. Beat your face. Beat your face, yes.

I just thought it was a holistic word. I didn't know we could use it individual parts of the hair.

Oh no, beat your lashes, literally. You just, you brush them out.

Beat your contour.

Yes, yes.

I feel like I'm in class right now. Okay, so back to the eyelashes.

So just what you did now, you didn't curl them. Most people at home will probably have to curl them and then put mascara. So you do your everyday lashes.

So you still do the mascara?

I still do, otherwise then you could tell, it doesn't look natural. Okay. So this, you beef some up. Yes, yeah.

Okay, so then they go on and they stay on.

And they stay on. They stay on. They don't ruin your lashes. You gently lift them to remove them. You put them back in the case. And they're so cheap, and you wear them. If you do like, so I used to do fake mink lashes. I'm so excited right now. Like with the strip and then glue them, and they're gorgeous, they're gorgeous, but they ruin your lashes 'cause when you pull them off, and also, like sensitive eyelids will have like a little bit of allergic reaction to the glue, or if you cry, that's it.

Let me tell you, okay, so I paid a makeup artist to come over. I said, do my face, I have somewhere to go, but while you're doing it, the purpose is really show me how to do it.

Yeah.

'Cause I'll do Studio Fix from MAC, but I don't do foundation, the, what do you call the things under here?

Oh, bless, concealer.

Concealer.

Oh my God, I have 2 concealers on, sister.

Okay, so she had to show me, okay, what's the thing, contouring?

Contouring, I did learn that on YouTube.

So, right, so I was like, you know what, you do a great job, just come show me. So she showed me everything and because I'm me, I had a notepad with a pen and I was writing everything down. So the very first time that I had an opportunity to do my own face was at Desperate for Jesus, our women's conference at our church. So I had my makeup out, I had the pad over here and one step at a time, I'm doing everything she told me. When I got to the lashes, and I did them great with her, when I got to the lashes though, I forgot the order in which you're supposed to do it. Now, you're supposed to put the glue where?

On the lash line.

That's not where I put it.

I never put on—

Wait, what?

Where did you put the glue?

Girl, I did the glue just like this, right on top.

Oh my gosh.

So it is 10 minutes before I'm supposed to be on stage leading worship.

Wait, where are you supposed to put the glue?

You're supposed to put it on the lash.

On the fake lash.

On the fake lash, on the root.

And then you apply it.

But you put a thin strip of glue.

And you wait until it's tacky.

And you wait until it's tacky. Yes. I forgot that part. I just squeezed the glue.

Oh!

So 10 minutes before I'm supposed to be on stage, y'all, I am upstairs.

Not funny.

My dad's a pastor, in his bathroom, y'all, going blind. I'm like, shh.

With pink ass.

Just black glue running down my face. And I didn't have—

And it was black glue? It wasn't even invisible?

No, it was black. It was black. Of course. Listen, y'all, so that's my—

I didn't want— I've never put on fake lashes.

—on my own. And I've never been able to do it.

But you have lovely lashes, though.

—But I would like them thicker. I would like them thicker.

See, I'm about to get this CVS one. It's literally, I feel like I should take them off and put it on. I could even do it without a mirror. Do it. Should I show you? Yes, please. Okay, so like this is real gentle, so I'm just gonna like lift. And then come on. So, I just, your look is just giving me life right now. So then, look at it.

Oh, but you have nice lashes though.

Thank you, thank you. But so do, but also, everyone's sitting here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you gotta think about cameras. You have to look over the top.

Listen, let me tell y'all something. All this, you gotta look over the top in your regular— 'Cause I'm looking at your makeup to look regular.

And I was like, oh, I should've gone harder.

Yeah, I thought it was lovely.

I thought it was apropos. You got it good. It did look good.

'Cause you already have a natural look.

But you know what I'm saying? I like it natural.

When I go look at myself, I'm like, I can't see my eyes. What's happening? So I have to look like— Just a redhead look.

Yes, okay. So it's probably better with a mirror, but look at how simple it is. I'm just gonna lay it on my lash line.

And then shut up to me. You have changed somebody's life.

If you get anything else out of this, be set free for the low, low price of $13.

CVS, Walgreens.

Yes. Okay. But, but, okay. They should pay you.

They should. Where's the affiliate link? Affiliate link. I put my kids through college.

Come on.

Okay. Now, cause I'm so excited that I have y'all, cause I really can't speak to this at all, but y'all both can. Okay, so women who, you know, love God, doing important things for Jesus and all that, but y'all believe in looking right. Y'all believe in holding it down. Like, you know, because you understand me. Yes. You understand me. It was a lot for me to get here. You know, I bought the hair, I put it in, I did do that. Okay, but— I'm proud of you. Thank you, because you know I'll wear a bun and be done. That's right. Okay, it's a lot. For me to get dressed in general. I'm a yoga pants, t-shirt girl. I just, I don't like it. I don't enjoy shopping, none of that. So it's a thing, but I know y'all, y'all—

I like that I'm in her category. I know, I'm glad that you're in her category.

I'm just saying I'm here and I want to learn, but I want to start with this. Why is it okay for women to be good about stepping out in public looking the part? Because I think some women, who either, you know, maybe it's the love of Jesus and whatever, but maybe it's just a season of life and they just kind of let themselves go. Like, why does it matter to care about how you look? Even though we know that the soul matters for eternity, why does it matter to care about how you look?

So, I'm gonna jump in real quick and I don't want to take it to a place it shouldn't go, but I'm a first-generation American and so— 'Cause you're from where? My dad is from Mexico, my mom's from Puerto Rico, so I'm Mexican. You get the best of both worlds. You got it all. Yes. But my grandmother, when they came over, had said, "You always have to look good because people are always gonna treat you poorly." And if you don't take yourself seriously, I could hear my grandmother's words echo, 'cause if you don't take yourself seriously, no one's gonna take you seriously. So mine came out of a place of brokenness, but I feel like all things can be redeemed. And I feel now it's less about validation and less about putting on a front and more about, I take myself seriously and I— Deion Sanders said, "When you look good, you play good." And when I stand behind the word of God, I don't wanna look slovenly. I don't wanna look dirty. Like, it is an honor and it is a privilege and I'm gonna show up like the warrior that I am with the gel nails, with the lashes, not because I need it. I feel like this is a privilege and honor I take seriously and that's why I do what I do. But I think in a dangerous place, it's coming out of a place of insecurity, like I don't feel like I'm enough, I don't feel like I'm good enough, and I'm gonna try to mask and hide and that sort of stuff. I think maybe in a place of unhealth I might go there, but now it's more of it's fun, it's a privilege, it's an honor. And I mean, I actually work out every day, so I am in workout clothes. I love to not wear makeup.

Are you one of those girls that goes to the gym with makeup on though?

Oh please, I live in Orange County and everyone is there and I'm like, first of all, you and your little power walks, on the treadmill, get off because I need to sweat like a pig. I don't want to sweat. Yes, move! You're taking up a good treadmill. No, no, no, no, no. Now, sometimes because I got like 12 eyebrows that just connect and I love, do you guys know what a chola is? Do you have a chola here? No, I don't know what that is. Oh, you see, okay, well let me tell you, let me bring you into the Hispanic culture. A chola is a gangster, C-H-O-L-A, chola. A cholo is man, chola is girl. And that is like a female gangster. And so then like you have like, just like you draw on your eyebrows real thin, you wear really dark makeup. Dark lipstick, you wear like a wife beater, and you're like, "Hey, hola, homes," you know? Okay, that's a chola. I'm gonna start calling somebody that and be like, "Hey, chola." Yeah, that's what I tell people. You trying to be a gangster right now? Okay, chola, sit down. Put your earrings on. Put your earrings on. No, no, no. So I kid teeter, and I know that my energy, I know what I put out is pretty strong. And so without eyelashes, I look like I'm gonna go to blows. Sometimes I will do, sometimes I'll do brows for the gym on occasion, on occasion. But if it's early, if it's 5 AM, you're lucky I showed up. No.

Okay, so, okay, so how does a girl who maybe is riding on that, it's a good thing to look good when you step out, but there may be some insecurity, like how, what are you supposed, what would you say to a woman who's like, yeah, I do it, but I'm not letting anybody see the real thing? Like there is some insecurity there. Say to her so that she's riding a balance line between still present yourself well, but don't let this feed the thing?

Yeah, I think there's a— so, well, yeah, I think you have to be careful with what is driving it, and sometimes that means creating times where you back it off a little bit. So sometimes I have to make myself be like, you gonna put on these tennis shoes, these jeans, these sweats. I still want to be cute, but I'm like, today is no makeup. Today is just gonna put your hat on and just be— and I'm going somewhere, you know, I'm not just running errands.. And that sounds silly, but it's just like how we do like, I have to make myself dress up. I have to go, it's okay. Giving yourself a chance. Because you can get to the point where you're like, I'm about to run home between these meetings, put on my other earrings. And I will be like, oh, these, oh wait, studs. I'm doing this YouTube video with studs on, Lord. Just because of the mic, y'all. I usually had on a tassel earring, really. Envision that. This should be a tassel right now. Anyway, I forgot I didn't take off my speaker earrings.

Your study should be a tassel.

The things we give up for Jesus. We can't even accessorize right. I have speaker earrings, and then I was mad because these are light.

And they don't hit the thing.

They still hit the thing.

But the thing is, I spoke with the owner now and I was like, "Dawg, I could have had my other earrings in." I know, I know.

So I do think you have to stretch yourself in whatever the direction is, you know, like making yourself be comfortable when people come over. Okay, just your lip gloss or a lighter version of makeup, you do have to stretch that so that when you look in the mirror, you're not shocked until you have a full face, you know. I think it works both ways. For me, my grandmother, similar to yours, she used to tell me, I mean, my grandmother still wears stockings with the garters and all that stuff. She is dressed, okay? She dressed, suits and everything still in her, in the bags. And she used to tell me when I went through that jeans phase, tennis shoes, 'cause I was a tomboy growing up, she'd be like, "Jada, you know, there are some things that only women can do. All of what you have on, a man can wear that." She said, "You need to appreciate being a woman." And so there's just an appreciation that comes to that. And even, I mean, I hate to be, well, I don't hate to be, but biblically even, if you look at Genesis 3, what made Eve fall, one of the things was beauty. She saw their fruit and it says it was pleasing to her eyes because women are innately made for beauty. I don't know any woman that gets a makeover and they're like, "Dang it, can't believe I got a makeover." Nobody mad. They're not mad, right? Every woman feels like, "Oh." So I think there's a part of our beauty and our appreciation for beauty that we just don't embrace for a lot of reasons. And I think it's okay. If it comes natural for you, great. If it doesn't, work toward it because there's something there's something in you that was made for beauty. And when you become comfortable with beautifying yourself, you can add that to a whole lot of things around you, you know. And I tell people all the time, we do, we have stylist people at our church, you know, like who just, I tell people, go find somebody who you like how they look.

I prayed, I journaled, Lord, bring me a stylist.

Am I supposed to put that on my blog?

I'm like, Jesus is the worst person that you like. I need a stylist.

Listen, I need y'all to email me. Well, maybe I don't. But the point is, I need help. So when I step out looking crazy, just know it's because I already admitted I needed it.

So I'm saying, I tell people, find people you like how they look, and they generally probably have your general body type, and go.

A circle, a shape? I'm feeling them in a circle shape right now. Listen, whatever works.

Jesus! And let me tell you something.

I have hips this way, and if I turn to the other way, I have hips like, ah!

And let me tell y'all something as women of God. Even if you're not on a platform, away. Appearance is a part of influence for women. No woman, even if she herself is not dressed— most women, even if they're not dressed, they don't want to see you looking like how they looking. They want you— we are drawn to what's appealing. We're drawn to what's appealing. So I tell our worship team, you trying to teach, if you trying to do anything with influence— that's just a separate thing— if you're trying to do anything with influence, you need to be appealing and attractive. There's not a sin in that. There's nothing wrong with presenting yourself in a way where somebody says, Oh, her hair is cute, 'cause that's what we do. And then we move on to the next thing. Oh, okay, mm. You know, there's nothing wrong with that. And so I tell people, like, you need to have an appeal to you that it helps your influence, 'cause otherwise you don't want an appearance that takes away from something that you need to be saying. You don't want to be distracted.

Priscilla told me once, because you know, I'm always trying to ride the line between doing that, but also I'm not that person. You know what I mean? Like I'm a very just whatever, but you know, wait, is Priscilla telling you this because she is or, or yeah. Yes. So because we were having a conversation about our differences, cuz she, she's all about all this and I'm just like, you know, whatever. So I said, so what's the line for somebody like me? You know? And she just said, you know what, kind of what you said, it's flipping it around instead of thinking about, um, okay, I need to show up because I wanna make an impression or because I wanna have influence. She was like, do you, have you ever shown up not that way and then felt self-conscious. I said, oh yeah, like I'm being lazy, so I don't want to do it, don't do it, and then I go and everybody else look cute and we took a photo and then I'm looking at the photo later thinking, girl, you should have put on some makeup. So she said, in that instance, then your not doing it gets in the way. Like, has it ever caused you to back up from a conversation or feel like I can't go in there or I don't want to be a part of it? She said, if it keeps you from being in life, then you need to step it up. So one way or the other, it can indicate to you stepping it up because you should or stepping it up because it's getting in the way of you actually living, like being you. So that was helpful to me. Very much.

I'm just like, embrace it, y'all. And it didn't have to look the same for everybody, but it is effort, it is intentionality, it is, I'm a woman, I'm a girl, that's okay. If I'm working out, I still may put my little studs in. If nothing else. Maybe, maybe not, it depends, not every day. And then there's some days where I'm like, I really do wanna have on these flip-flops and these jeans and this t-shirt, whatever. So it's not a, I don't think it's a hard, like it has to be this way, but I think we shun it so much because the world has distorted it, right? So we're like, oh, I don't need all that, I'm not into it. Okay, you don't have to be into all that, but then don't look homeless, right?

You don't have to go and lay down for 2 hours and have the eyelashes put in one by one.

You can just get some magnets for $13.99 and be good to go. And before you can get there, you can get some mascara for $7.99. There you go, there you go. And just do something.

There you go, there you go. All those Beyond Real, they're real? They're Real is a mascara. It's $20. It's worth every single penny.

I'm just saying. Oh yeah. But they have a whole line.

Your lashes are lovely. Wait, what's the brand? It's called They're Real.

They're Real. And it's a whole—

It's a line. They have eyeliner, they have everything.

You see them in the airports. It's like the pink and gray. It's like a little makeup set. Oh, Benefit. Benefit. There you go. See, I can't— right. I just know what the one thing I buy. You know, the one thing I buy. I thought They're Real was the brand.

No, that's Benefit.

That's the mascara.

See, I can't. This is why I'm here with you. Okay, so, so, okay, so another question for you. Now, you're a twin. I am. And you know, it took me a minute to understand this.

Girl, I was like, who is Jasmine Stuckey?

I know, I know.

That's Bianca other life. Okay, so, people have literally said that.

I thought you had an alter ego. People have literally said that.

It's another side of her.

Like, she's branded as another thing. And then, and then, okay, so, love the church ladies. See, you guys are around church ladies. So, I have people DM me. Me saying, "I cannot believe that you preach the gospel, but then you wear revealing tops." And I'm like, "Actually, that's my twin sister, and I can't believe you're so judgy.

I'm praying for your salvation." So, Jasmine has gotten emails saying—

Check your heart. "I've always valued your marriage online and how you honor your husband, how you love your husband, and I saw you kiss another man, and I've lost all respect for you." And then Jasmine will lovingly send them a picture of me and my husband. She said, "You probably saw my twin sister. And girl, cause y'all are twins for real. For real. Well, here's the thing, yo, she's, she's about 30 pounds lighter. So I love that you guys say you're twins for real. No, no, no. I got the anointing is what I got. So, um, yeah, yeah, we got the long hair.

Listen, that anointing, listen, all of that, it took me, and I literally learned this like 2 days ago. Cause me and you start DMing. Yes. Cause we, we, you know, this is what happens. We trying to be together and actually be friends.

So girl, then I was like, oh, let me look up.

It's Jasmine. I said, oh, maybe that's, is that another name? Is that a girl? So then I was like, they look, wait a minute, her hair is darker. Girl, it took me like at least 20 minutes of online investigative research to find a family photo that you were both in.

Yes, to figure it out.

There was one photo that you were both in and I was like.

But doing totally different things.

Yes.

You know, totally different things. 'Cause Jasmine's what, social media?

Marketing, branding, social media.

She did have one in this cute sparkly skirt. Okay, Bianca. Okay, Bianca.

And it's not like y'all aren't taking— I wasn't no judge.

I was just like, it's cool.

Yeah, and y'all, it's not like y'all aren't taking— But your— the church committee would have been like, no, no, no.

But I mean, it's easy to confuse because it's not like y'all both aren't taking great photos. Like, you're both putting up good content. It's just that yours has, you know, it's your life and ministry and stuff, and hers is like marketing and building business. So it's very easy to confuse. It took a while. Yeah. Okay.

So there's a twin story that I will— I have not forgiven Jasmine about, but she was flying out on a trip and she had to go to Target. It was like 10 minutes before Target closed. So she's in, and Jasmine's always like high and tight. She is all, I mean, I'm talking face beat, hair done, like, like, like everything. If you think I do the most, you need to meet Jasmine. Okay. So she's running into Target. She's in yoga pants, Uggs, dirty hair up in a bun, no makeup on whatsoever. She runs in and someone's like, excuse me, are you Jasmine Starr? And she said, she said, I thought about this. Oh, no, she didn't. Yes, she did. She said, actually, I'm her twin sister Bianca. I said, you ratchet, you unsaved, undignified Philistine. Why? I already got the weight against me. Now you're going to do that? So I've yet to forgive her.

Girl.

Yet to forgive her.

You shouldn't hold that up.

So here's the question. Here's the question. Y'all are both beautiful. You're both doing your own thing in your own right. Y'all seem to have a close family because, you know, we follow each other on social media. I think I know y'all. Yeah, so, right, right, right. So, so, uh, but y'all, y'all are different. Y'all are doing different things in this life. So as twin sisters, what has comparison, jealousy, envy— oh, that's a good one— with differences— yeah, what has that looked like for y'all over the years and where are y'all now?

So I could say this now, of course, 10 10 years, 10, 15 years later. I just didn't recognize it then. But my sister met her husband in high school and they had this great relationship. I mean, the guy literally is from heaven. He just, he, this man, we cannot speak more highly of this man. So they had this very amazing, pure, dated for 6 years, 6 and a half years until she went to law school and he went to grad school. I mean, everything, everything, everything about their marriage, their life, of everything just came together. And I am with my mom, who's diagnosed with two forms of cancer, and one of them was brain cancer. I'm living at home. I'm, I'm acting as the pseudo mom, pseudo homeschool mom for my younger brother and sister. We are very close. I was in grad school. I, I, I wasn't going out on dates. I— it was just a really dark season. Lost my grandmother, who was the closest person to me. I was coming out of out of a 3-year dysfunctional relationship with a man I called Satan, and we have yet to just— you know, I actually—

that might be your takeaway. There might be somebody you need to call Satan and then make the devil a liar and run away.

So I praise the Lord for that season. But it was— it was— I, I remember, and I was going through some journals, um, from years ago, and I vividly remember crying out to God and saying, why does Jasmine have everything and I have nothing? And, uh, I, I God is good. So 10 years later, I was going through the story of Jacob and Esau, and right, and it's twins, and I'm like, really, Lord, you gonna do me dirty like this? You're gonna speak through your word about twins? And just recently, I preached about this at DFL. I don't know if you were there at that DFL. What is DFL? Design for Life out in Springfield, James River, Springfield, Missouri. Actually, I don't think it was the year that you were there, but I preached out of Jacob and Esau, and there's something out of the NLT version that I'd never read before, and I never use NLT, but for some reason that was the Bible that I had, and the The Choice language of the translation says when Esau turns to his dad, he's like, "How do you not have another blessing for me? What about me? I'm your firstborn." And who's first? Uh, Jasmine. Okay, just curious. But here's the thing, here's— and this is where we talk about— I was supposed to be the firstborn twin, and then in cesarean, my embryonic sac broke, so they pulled Jazzy out first. And so my whole thing was, "You stole my blessing." So it literally—

girl, what the enemy get up in here?

Look, So, but then I read this recently that it says, but when you decide to break free, I can't remember the rest of it, but that there was something about that phrase, when you decide to break free. So wait, you're telling me that I have the power to let go of this, to be different and let go of this and realize your blessing doesn't mean that it's my burden. Your blessing is that God's blessing you and my blessing is gonna look different. And on the other side of this, on the other side of this, I am like, And the blessing wasn't I got married and had a family. That wasn't the blessing. The blessing was when I decided to shake free, that I could walk in what God has called me to. And then we see, we always read like, whatever happened to Esau? Poor thing, you know, he got the short end of the stick and Jacob got everything. And he was shady and his name was shady, everything about this guy. And yet God blessed him. But we read 8 chapters later that when Jacob does come back to Israel, that it is Esau that meets him there. And Esau had legal recourse to kill him. And Jacob knew that. That's why he's trying to butter him up with all these gifts. Totally up to a million dollars during that time. And yet in the NLT it says this, and even in the NIV, that Esau led them back home. And then when Jacob says, I have all these things for you, he says, I don't need that.

I don't need it because he was already blessed.

He was already blessed. I read that and I was like, I'm so free. And here's the thing, you know, people can say, oh well, you know, your life is different. My life is very different from that, but I I live in a house that I rent. I have a car that's leased. I have a husband on a second marriage, and my two kids aren't my biological kids. But spiritual blessings look different. I could be like, "I don't own my own house. These kids aren't even mine." But I'm realizing, "No, no, no, these blessings are all from the Lord. These blessings are all from the Lord." And I walk, I don't need any of that, and it literally, it changed our relationship. So for about 6 years, I would never say it. Me and God would have the conversation. Jazzy's my best friend. I love her. I take a bullet for her, you know. I'll put my hand on a grenade for her, in the words of Bruno Mars. I know, really. You got that right. Come on, Colonel.

The Colonel Couch. That's right.

The Colonel Color Conversation Couch right here. Chrystal's Colonel Friend. Salvation has been worked out. Yes, that's right. Go ahead. And, uh, so I I love her, but there was this, and I think most women, even with their best friends, they love them, they'll do so much for them, but sometimes the enemy comes in and makes you question your own relationships, question marriage, question finances, question education, question kids, question calling, question ministry, and I had to find my way in that, and I found freedom not after I got married. It was when I could look at my sister and celebrate everything that God has given her. That's a good word.

And sometimes the celebration comes comes to you and you get the freedom, but sometimes you choose the celebration and the freedom comes. Absolutely.

That was my path. That was my path.

That's so good. Okay, so— I've never talked about that.

I felt really exposed.

I felt it. I felt it. I felt it. That was the Lord. I just got quiet. I was like, it's coming. I know. I'm going to let it go. Go with the Lord.

That was the Lord.

But that's good because people, that's real. I mean, we talk about that we shouldn't be jealous and we shouldn't be envious and all this. Okay, but we are. We are. We are. So how do you— How do you work through that? And that the tangible reality of what it looks like to say, "You know what? My blessings are not her blessings, but I have my own." You know, and how you choose to see your own and celebrate hers. It changes the dynamics, which frees us up to enjoy the relationship fully that we want to have. Okay, why are you a preacher? You went from homeschooling your brothers and getting a grad degree to now you all over the world.

It's weird. You always been a preacher. But I ran from it, so we grew up poor, or so poor I couldn't afford the O-R, Michael.

Is that what it says? Co. Co.

We were that family. Like, government-issued cheese, and if you've never had a grilled cheese with government-issued cheese, you have not lived.

Oh, it's great.

You have not lived. It don't even melt right, but it's good.

Oh no, no, ghetto fondue, girl, you didn't know how to do that.

You put it on a glass plate in the micro. I didn't even know what fondue was. I didn't know I was fancy back then, but I'd melt it and then goop it up with bread, like it's Jesus right there. So, I mean, we were just poor. And for some reason, you know, the enemy's so cunning. I put ministry as synonymous with like living a life of a pauper because we had a very tough financial growing up.

Were you raised in a Christian home? Like your people were?

Totally, totally. My dad came here to the country as a kid, gained his citizenship, whoa, got real Mexican right there. He gained his citizenship when he fought in Vietnam and met my mom at a party. Both of them were like lit and not like the light of the world, but like lit. And they had a whirlwind torrid romance. My mom ended up getting pregnant and she had a parochial background, real religious family, Catholic school, the whole nine. And she told him, like, I can't keep this baby 'cause I will be shunned from my family. And against his wishes, she had an abortion and it just sent both of them in a tailspin. So they ended up breaking up. On a street in Los Angeles, Olvera Street, a hippie came up to her and told her, this very just simple phrase. We have to remember that our words have power. We don't know how the Spirit of God is going to speak, but even just this one phrase, looked at her dead in the eye and said, "Jesus loves you," in a moment where she felt absolutely unloved. My God.

Something that we would probably think is like, just too simple.

Too simple.

Or even hyper-spiritual. The right word, the right time. Yep. And she went home and she called the one friend that she knew was a Christian and she said, I need to learn about God, and she just accepted Jesus that day. It became this authentic and real, and then she knew that she had to go back and talk to my dad, and she brought him a Bible. And first of all, my mom, bless, she said, I'm in love with a new man, and he said, you brought me here to tell me? And she said, and he's a Jew. My dad's like, a Jew? You left me for a Jewish carpenter? You know, what is going on? So she gave him a Bible and then he threw the Bible at her and said, "You're a murderer. I want nothing to do with you." Yeah, and so she prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, and she invited him to a rock concert. He didn't know it was a rock, like Jesus is rock, but he got saved that day and they just, they made the relationship right. They got back together and after they got married, maybe a year or two, they got pregnant and my mom had had so much post-abortive stress and trauma and guilt. And when they found out— twins doesn't run in the family— when they found out they were pregnant with twins, my parents both knew the child we lost in ignorance, the Lord has given us back. So they just— I mean, that was— so there was— and then they knew— tissue—

you can't just drop that.

Hold on. Great. But my redemption lived out. And so from that age, there was, there was a clear call of ministry for my family. And we went, my dad moved back to East Los Angeles, planted church, he's still there 29 years later, still in East LA, and the schools in our area were so bad that my parents made a decision to home educate us. This is at the time, you know, the '80s. So you're homeschooled? I know.

Oh, there's just, I homeschool my kids. I always am like, they're gonna be weird, it's fine.

No, no, here's the thing, homeschool kids are weird if their parents are weird. Yeah. It's weird if you're weird, but it's not weird if you're like, hey, can you just follow me? No, because they're in sports and they go to church and they don't churn their own butter or wear coonskin caps. All right, we have already—

you gotta make murder, just shake it up with a marble.

Oh, stop, stop, do that. No, you're making the kids weird. You're making the kids weird. It was a science experiment. Oh, okay.

But I do know how to—

see, there's a lot of homeschooling.

No, because I thought there's a methodology to homeschooling and I thought— so I have planted tomatoes in the backyard, I've had 3 of my babies at home.

My mom did so, like, because she thought that's what moms should do.

I learned how to make bread. I did go through a season. She knows. I went through a season of all the crunchy things. Now I'm like, y'all, the Costco roast beef is just fine. Put it in the microwave. Paper plates are gonna work. I'm, you know, totally delivered of all that.

You still go in around the holidays though. You still get a little—

I do. I do.

I'm gonna go pick my turnips out of the backyard. Y'all follow me out here. Look, this one's fresh. Shake the dirt off a little.

But you're okay.

You're You're okay. homeschooled, but you're okay.

Okay. Yes. Yes. So the whole, I mean, this is turning into something much longer than it should be. But how did I end up this way? I said, I love God, love ministry. I will always be a part of church, but I wanted to be rich and I wanted to really just shake off the stigma that I felt of like, I'm a woman of color, but I'm not gonna be defined by where I live. So it became almost the opposite side of the spectrum of like what perfection looked like and what coolness looked like.

Wait. Are supposed to be really good friends. I just wanted to say.

Okay, great, great. I love it. Keep going, keep going. So I went completely the other way, and so I was like, I'm going to go to college and a full ride. I was a Bill Gates Millennium Scholar. I graduated 3.85 undergrad, went on to graduate school on a full ride scholarship. I felt like success is, uh, money and popularity and being light and being educated and being these things things. And it wasn't until I, I went on a youth camp— I was still attending my dad's church in East Los Angeles, uh, went on a youth camp, and I was bamboozled into it. That was a whole other thing. Like, the Lord used anything. Like, I was just trying to be lovely. I was just trying to be a Christian. I didn't mean it. I said, if you need help with the kids— so I could say, like, I tried. And then the youth pastor was like, yes, that's what he said. And I said, oh, well, I'm in grad school, I don't have money. This fool pulls out a checkbook. Who uses a checkbook? He had a checkbook in his back pocket and paid $180 for me to go to youth camp. And he said, we have no one to teach the girls because we separated the guys and girls. He said, we have no one to teach the girls, so you're going to do Bible study in the morning. And I said, I don't do Bible study. And he said, you're a pastor's kid, you're fine. And I taught out of Psalm 58. And it was there, making the Bible come alive and seeing them actually excited about the word of God that I was like, I'm done. This is it. So I did finish grad school. I still had another year, But I remember being, like sitting in lectures with my earbud in, because my dad's church is old school, they still have midweek service. So I would sit in class.

Is that old school? Is midweek service old school?

We have midweek service too. But you guys are also in the South though, so that is. That's true, that's true. So like West Coast, California, LA, like it's just passé. Like all the hipster churches are cutting away from it. Yeah, so, and I would sit there in grad school, grad school with earbuds in my ears and my hair in front of it, listening to Daddy preach because my heart was at church. And so I finished it and— but there was a part of me, I applied to seminary, but the seminary in our denomination, it's not denominational but kind of denominational, and they rejected me because I was female. And I was confused because—

Right, we both inhaling, okay, keep going.

And they're like, well, this is for pastors. And I said, I don't want to be a pastor, I just want to learn the Word of God, and I felt like this was my next step. I have a 4.0 from graduate school, how are you going to reject me? And so I was left with a really bitter taste in my mouth. And then I was also left to think that I was created wrong.

Like, because you're created to do this, but people are saying because you're a female, that you can't do it.

And I had people at Daddy's church be like, "Wow, if you were God, you would take over this church." Listen, those are fighting words.

If you're a man watching this with your woman or girlfriend, or you just happen to—

Or have a daughter. Listen.

Never.

So it was a bless your heart moment because I didn't want to bless any— I wanted to like just— and then, chola! Chola! You brought it back! You brought it back! You made me take my earrings off. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So I was already— it exacerbated what I already felt. I felt insecure with my personality and my strength. But I am— my mom is this beautiful, sensitive— she's got full— she's full of mercy. Like, she homeschools. She's lovely. She's lovely. Sister Millie, they call her Sister Millie. Like, Sister Millie, you do no wrong. I'm built like my father.

Like, I know. I, I, I tell my mom, I'm sorry. It's not you. You did well. It's just—

yes, it's just what happened. I still get text messages to this day from my mom that's like, that was inappropriate, you shouldn't quote Cardi B. Oh, whatever, Mom. But I do like it.

Like Mama, come on. Well, okay, I want to say first of all that I think it's awesome that your parents told you their whole story. That is awesome. That's number one. Thank you. Because you're walking around with the history of their story and the truth of their life and how it's impacted you. Second of all, I think it's great that you figured out, even though it was a little later, but it was still pretty early, you know, okay, that I love the Word of God and I want to do this thing. And then you're trying to wrestle with in and figure out. And the third thing I want to say is, because there's a lot between that and now, is that somewhere in there, even with the "you can't go to seminary" and with the "don't quote the Cardi B" and with all the things, you still— because to me what makes you unique is that, you know, you're running in a lot of places where there are women who speak but who are not necessarily current culture. Does that make sense? And it's not a bad or a good thing, I'm just I'm saying, you are not only current culture, you're current culture unapologetically. You're like, yeah, I know the lyrics to this song and I still love Jesus. Pray for me. Mm-hmm.

Progress. I'm working. Working it out. Working it out.

But that— there are women who will only be freed by another woman who they believe actually has the keys. And if they don't even think that you've ever been anywhere around and can bridge where they are to where they need to be, then they're gonna hear hear you, they're going to want what you have, but they're going to think you actually can't help them. So there's a role for all of that, and I think that that's important. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. You're doing it. So you are currently a pastor's wife. That kind of came around full circle. You're running around the world speaking. Y'all about to go on a trip without me in another week to Israel. I'm not bitter. Not bitter, Jenny Allen. I'm not bitter, Jenny Allen. Okay, so you're doing all this, um, your children, stepchildren, I don't know how you refer to them, are they with you or part-time with you?

We have 70% custody.

You have 70% custody, so you got kids in your life?

Yes, two teenagers.

Two teenagers, you're trying to keep it together.

Met them at 3 and 5, now they're 13 and 15. I was going to go in for a high five, but then I played it off.

I didn't want to be— no, no, no, and then I realized it late. I was late. I was late. So you have teenagers, cuz that's different than 3 and 5. Okay. Yes. Okay, school the people. How do you do it however simply you can answer that.

Yeah, so, you know, I think the number one question that so many women are wrestling with right now, whether stay-at-home mom or in a boardroom or in academia or in church, is this elusive perception of balance and what balance looks like. And I think that the scary thing about balance is balance— we all want it, but if we really think about what that means is balance is stasis, where nothing moves and everything's in perfect harmony. And I I just, I don't want that. My husband and I, we launched a church 4 months ago and— Lucy, you fresh. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And it's just— she can help you with that.

I need all that. Pray for church.

So we have 2 teenagers, we're church planters, we both— we're, we're not even bi-vocational because bi-vocational means that you still get a cut from, you know, like there's blessings from the church. We haven't got that. Like, so we are— we're still holding full-time jobs and I'm traveling and writing and preaching and teaching and then coming in and doing that at church. So both my husband and I teach from platform, and it's just a very crazy season. So for me, I think I've just let go the idea of balance, and I will bring in people to help the things that I can't do. And so I begged my husband— No shame in help. No, no, I told him, I said, I don't want Christmas presents, I don't want anniversary presents, I don't want any of that stuff. Just don't. But I need someone to clean the house twice a month because I just, I can't. I just, I can't. Um, Amazon Prime has been a game changer for groceries. A game changer for groceries. Um, yes, yes. And you know, people are like, hey, will you mentor me? I said, my mentorship looks different. We're gonna do life together. So somebody that needs you to get on my couch, right? And, and I'll teach you. See this underwear over here?

It's clean.

Help me clean. One thing, don't touch my chonies. Any Latina out there would be like, you know what chonies are. Chola and chonies, okay? Don't touch my laundry. Yes, yes. And it's not like usury, it's not. Yeah. Um, so even my mentorship looks like I'm gonna teach you how to cook because I love to eat and cook. And so we go through the word of God, we're gonna go through the groceries together, and we're just gonna do life together. And us doing life together is you're gonna be real close to my family and I gotta trust you. That's kind of what it looks like. So I get help working, I need to get help, and then I let go of certain things. So my husband hates— he, he does the washing, I do the folding. But the washing is the easy part. One time I ruined his shirt and that's why I got like demoted, so he won't let me touch it. But that means I have to fold it and I'm like, I will fold it.

But it does, it does.

So, um, so then learning in, in, in our marriage, uh, healthy communication process. And so we learned this actually through going through counseling, cuz the first 2 years of our marriage were disastrous. I'm a stepmom, 8 years now. I'm a stepmom. I became a pastor's wife. I moved from LA, which is like gritty and hood and sooty, and I love it, to Orange County where everything is like shiny, glossy. There was doggy doodoo bags in the park, valet parking at my gym. All the houses look the same. I said, where am I? Wisteria Lane? This is, this is— I just— no, get me out of here. So it was a huge culture shock And oh, and then, and then, and then I'll just tell you this real quick. They thought I was the help. Listen, listen, I was taking out my trash. I was taking out my trash. My hair was in a bun. I had no makeup. I was about to go to the gym. So I'm in workout clothes and I'm running to get the trash cans out to the front. And then the trash man says, "Perdoname, no pone basura aquí." And I said, "Oh, okay, thank you. This is my house." He thought I was the house cleaner. Oh my God. So this is, this is so like crazy.

I'm gonna use it. It's my new word. Nobody's gonna know what I'm talking about. It's gonna be great. You're welcome. You're welcome.

There you go. Thank you. Um, so it was crazy. So I would say how we keep balance is I turned out at, I, I, I, I tried to get rid of the things that anyone can do and do the things that only I can do. Um, brought in a good counselor. Yeah. To help us navigate. And that's not for everyone, but for us we really needed it. And then lastly, I would say fight for that alone time. If you are married, fight for that alone time with your husband. If you're single, fight for that alone time with someone really close to you because they are the ones that will be the litmus test for your health or unhealth. That's right. And you have to be open to hearing when you are going sour, when you're leaking. And those have been the 3 things that were like, I just need to like pull back, I need to slow down, I need to get more time with Jesus, I need whatever. It's just being really sensitive. Up real sensitive to where things are out of balance, even though I'm not striving for balance. I'm just trying to get a good rhythm and flow.

That's good, because if y'all think we have it and keep it, that's not how this works. It is a constant reevaluation and recalibration to keep things in the order that they need to be in for this season. Yes. And it changes. Yes. Thanks for joining me.

Thank you, guys.

Of course, of course, of course. This was so This is so fun. Y'all, this is Bianca Ohlhoff.

Ohlhoff.

Where can they find her?

It's actually old house in German. Alt-hoff. I know I don't look German, but I married one.

And social media, where can they find you?

BiancaOhlhoff.com. Social media is @biancaohlhoff.

Awesome. Y'all, check her out. Thanks for joining us. Hey, y'all. I hope you enjoyed that video. Be sure and subscribe so that you don't miss anything.