Setting Boundaries in Friendship

Hey there. I'm so glad that you're joining me today for another episode of the Sister Circle Podcast. This is Coffee with Chrystal Hurst. This is the part of the podcast where you just get me. Most of the time I'm drinking coffee. Sometimes I'm drinking water and listen, if I'm telling the truth, free promotion. Why am I giving away free promotion? Often I'm just drinking a Pepsi. It's my little thing. Don't tell anybody. Today I want to talk to you about what it looks like to set boundaries in your friendships. Besties and boundaries. Yes, you can set boundaries with your bestie because if you're going to have great relationships in your life, whether it's your spouse, whether it's your mother, your sister, your coworker, or your best friend, you have to be willing to understand what healthy boundaries are that need to exist in your life and how to communicate those. Can I tell you how many relationships get screwed up simply because we don't communicate what we need? We don't communicate how far people should go, or we don't communicate when they've gone too whether you realize it or not, you have boundaries. And this is the problem. Often we're just not honest with ourselves about the fact that we have boundaries. The problem is when people cross them, that we get all bent outta shape. It's to your advantage to know the boundaries that you have and to communicate them in advance of you needing them. Boundaries are not something that people have to earn. So sometimes we think about boundaries as something that you do reactively. You set boundaries because somebody crossed them, or you set boundaries because, you know, somebody has to earn a right. And, and some of those things may be true, but I want you to think about boundaries as something you deserve, something you need. Um, I like to think about how in a healthy situation we set boundaries, right? We set boundaries for kids. There are certain rooms in the house they don't need to go into, or there are certain spaces that we don't want them to run free because of our desire to keep them safe. Boundaries are something that you enable, that you utilize because it's healthy. It doesn't have to be something that is only a negative response to someone's negative advance. You can have boundaries because you're a person and you should have limits. And other people, even the ones that love you, should have limits too. The problem comes when we don't understand this. And so we don't set any limits. And then we get frustrated when people cross the boundaries that we never communicated. So boundaries are something that everyone should understand and know about themselves. They're not meant to be constricting. They're not meant to always be punitive. They're not to be something that indicates a no or indicates your disinterest or inability or lack of desire to be involved with something. They can, they can also just be like, I know my territory. I know how far my fence should go. I know what I need and I know when I'm not getting it. I know how far I should move away from myself. Central spot. A boundary for you that would be healthy, for example, is sleep. If your friends don't understand that you need your sleep, you need to set a boundary. Y'all, I'm happy to go out with you, just know I'm not going to be any good after 10. Boundaries are a healthy way to operate, understanding them, using them proactively, and communicating them fully. So boundaries can place limits on your time, how long you can have a conversation, what time of the day you're able to hang out, where your friendship fits in your life. Let me tell you, I'm a horrible boundary setter when it comes to conversations, because I want to finish and I want everyone to feel heard. And I want everyone to know that I'm making time for them. But do you know what happens in my life if I don't have any boundaries on my conversations? Chaos. I'm late for the next meeting. I may say too much. I may talk too long. It may sound like want, want, want, want, want. I try to even tell my children, Even if I'm having to teach or correct or counsel, "Hey, I'm going to need 15 minutes of your time." And even though I know I could take 35 hours to tell them all the secrets of the universe, I try to stick to my 15 minutes. Time is a boundary. Your emotions, how you want to feel with a friend, what emotions are appropriate for your friendship, and when you want to be vulnerable. It's okay. In fact, I had a friend of mine tell me this last week. She said, I'm not a crier. I don't want to cry about it. So I really don't want to talk long about this particular topic. No problem. I'm so glad she communicated a boundary to me because it actually allows me to be a better friend. Your time, your emotions, your body. How do you feel physically? The fatigue that you're experiencing, pain, and how much discomfort you can take. It's okay to tell your people, Listen, if you're gonna— and listen, I had to tell Michelle this other day— if you gonna go walking and climbing Mount Everest, I'm not going with you. I will sit at the bottom, I will cheer you on, I will even talk to you on the walkie-talkie. Now you want to go down the street and go do this little half a mile trail, I'm good, because Michelle will leave me. So I have to set a boundary. I love you, there are some things you're gonna do I'm not doing right now. Don't want to, don't want to get left, and don't want to be I don't want to think I'm dying. Enjoy your best life. These are the exercises I will do with you. These are the exercises you need to get with your super healthy friends and do it. And it's not a boundary like, I don't want to be with you. It is communicating what I want to do and what I don't. Here's another big one. Your mental health, your anxiety, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your triggers, which means you have to know what keeps you mentally healthy. And then you have to communicate that to people. People don't always like, respect, honor, or believe you when you tell them about the boundaries you need for your mental health. That said, I also want to challenge you because sometimes we set boundaries when what we really do need to do is grow. What we really need to do is toughen up. What we really need to do is seek help to seek healing. But instead of seeking growth, we put boundaries on everybody else when really the boundary that you need to create is a boundary for yourself. The boundary of support. What do I need to put around me in order to make sure that I'm ready? So all of these are boundaries for others to communicate and also boundaries for you to know. So boundaries are not a negative thing. We all have them. We just need to be honest about where we need them. Boundaries sometimes seem counterintuitive for friendships. And I under— I understand that because it's easy to think that our friendships should be completely free. I love you. It's Barney. This is the Barney song. I love you. You love me. We're a happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me too? Come in my space. It's easy to think that our friendship should be completely free and that there should be no boundaries because we want to feel uninhibited and welcome. We want to let our hair down. We want to let our guard down. We want to let it all out because that's a part of what makes us feel safe. But you can have room for both. Letting your hair down and knowing when it's too far. Friendship and transparency is also about knowing what you need, the let your hair down part and the it's too loud in here part. A fully free friendship should give you the ability to communicate what you need, even in chaos. Listen to this. When we don't put safeguards on our best interests, once unbounded friendships can turn toxic. Making it hard for any real behavior to happen that is free versus uncomfortable, or that is helpful instead of hurtful. If you want freedom in your relationship, you have boundaries. Adam and Eve had freedom in the garden with boundaries. It wasn't until they took the freedom that they had and wanted to live without boundaries that they got in trouble. True freedom means I know you and I know what you need. So when do you need to set boundaries, particularly in friendships? Because boundaries are going to come in handy when you least expect it. So thinking about what your boundaries need to be in advance of needing them is exactly what you need to do. When the friendship feels one-sided, when you're doing more for them than they're doing for you. And maybe you're a doer, maybe you're a server, and you don't mind that until you do. And y'all, sometimes you set yourself up for sorrow. When you're doing the most and you think you don't expect anything, but you do. And then when you have a need and they don't meet it, then you're upset. And then you're like, why am I upset? Because I'm the servant? Because you're still somebody who wants every now and then for someone to notice when you need to be served. When you have those feelings, communicate it. I love you so much. And I know that you've been a great friend. Can I tell you that last week it really hurt me when I had this need and you didn't You didn't help. I help you all the time. And I realize now that while I am willing to serve and I'm willing to support and I'm willing to be your friend, I don't want our friendship to be one-sided. I actually, even if I don't ask for it, I do have needs. So if you see me struggling, if you see me crying, don't assume that I don't need you. I need you. It's a boundary with a gate. Come on in. I know that I accidentally have set a boundary that said, I don't need you. I need you. Here's a gate. When you can't exercise privacy. Listen, do you have that friend that you can talk on the phone while you use the potty? I do. I got a host of friends like that. And I'll say, "Sorry, gotta listen to me go to the ladies' room and tinkle tinkle." But I had a friend one time tell me, say, "Girl, I don't want to hear all that. Put the phone down." I was like, "Oh, okay. No problem." Didn't bother me in the least. She said, "I just don't want to hear that." Okay. Privacy matters. If you want to get dressed in front of your girlfriends, great. If you don't, say so. Close the door, go to the dressing room by yourself. It's okay. When you're feeling overwhelmed, because often having your space intruded upon, even by people you enjoy, the overwhelm or the anxiety or the stress that comes along with that is your signal. You know what? This might be too much input right now. Hey y'all, the Sister Circle Retreat is almost here. We're headed to upstate New York, October 10th through the 13th, and I would love for you to join me. Some girls are even going to come a day early on the 9th to spend some intimate time with me and a few other girls. So here's what you need to do. Go right now to thesistercircle.com/retreat to join me for an opportunity to relax, reconnect with yourself, with God, and have a great time. Because sometimes girls just want to have fun. It's the Sister Circle Retreat 2024. I hope to see you there. My husband and I, um, we're very different people. He's definitely an introvert, but also he just can't take so much. In my mind, my children, my daughter, my grandchildren should come over anytime. He can't, he can't do it. So we have, we have a knowledge in our relationship that my, and my daughter knows sometimes his anxiety is at an all-time high. He just can't take the kids running around, you know, all that. And I'll say, well, let me ask your dad. And then I will tell my husband, listen, I really want the kids to come over. I, I release you if you don't mind being somewhere else and you want to go do something else. And if you don't, then that's fine, you stay home, I'll take them somewhere else. But what, what can we do if this is not something you can absorb? Because I understand his boundary. When you are communicating and your communication feels ineffective, you're saying it but it doesn't seem like they're really hearing you, that's a good time to establish or re-establish a boundary. Setting boundaries outside of those circumstances, most of the time can be preventative if you know yourself. So when you know yourself and you're honest with yourself, you can save yourself from a litany of circumstances where you're reacting and you feel like you need to erect boundaries, like right now, like yesterday, like when you're upset. You don't want to set boundaries if you can avoid it when you're in a highly stressful circumstance, when there's discomfort in relationship or you're reacting or you're telling somebody off. You know, you better never come to my house again. Slam the door. That's not— we don't want to do it like that. You know what I'm saying? We don't want to do it when we're coping in unhealthy ways. We don't want to set boundaries because we are at that moment having a high level of stress and anxiety. And because we just want to take care of it and take care of it now, we bite someone's head off. Many of y'all have done that. And people looked at you like, oh my gosh, what is your problem? Because you're setting a boundary, but you're setting it reactively in response to stress. We want to avoid that. You also want to avoid setting a boundary when you are under duress, because often that will involve miscommunication. You don't want to say things you don't mean or mean things you're not saying. You want to set clear expectations and boundaries when you can express them clearly, when you can express them thoughtfully, and when you don't clutter your communication with things that actually don't get to your end result. So I want you to know that setting boundaries, you need to set them when you have time and space. You need to set them even if they feel counterintuitive. You need to know what you need because we all need boundaries. In fact, this is how you know you have a really good friendship. You know you have a really good friendship when you can say to someone, hey, listen, I love you. This is what I'm realizing. I actually need something from you. And I know you love me and I want to tell you what that is. And here's why I need it. Your ability to communicate that, to visualize and name your limits, to find out in yourself what's causing you stress or what you need to openly communicate about your boundaries, not always saying no and not always shifting to accommodate, but knowing what you need and sharing that with someone before you need it. Not being afraid to say no, not being afraid to take time for yourself, knowing when to do it, and thinking about these things in advance. This is why thinking about your life is so important. You know, one of the reasons I was thinking, we have 2025 planners loading, y'all. We sent our final draft to the planner. Um, there, we're going to get a mockup here in the next couple of weeks. But one of the reasons why I'm deciding to move forward is because I realize that people don't ask themselves questions. So we live so often reactively. We live making decisions because we regretted this once, we're not going to regret it again. We, we live reactively because I cannot believe I spent 20 years of my life and I haven't done this yet, or I spent 20 years of my life wasted doing that. We live reactively where we have some pain that's been inflicted in our life and we want to stop it from happening in our future. When all you really have to do in order to live your life well is to just pay attention to it. But I understand that some people are not journalers. And so what we often need is someone else to ask us a question to kind of get us thinking about like, what do I want? What's bothering me? What do I want to be different? And the reason why I'm committed to the planners for 2025 and I need to get rid of a lot of them is because I understand what it is to need someone else to ask you the question to get you to think, okay? And that's what the planner does. It's, it's basically Chrystal Hurst in your pocket. It's a coaching tool. The, the quotes and the questions change every week to get you to think. Me talking about boundaries today is an opportunity for you to think. You don't have to wait until you had to slam the door in someone's face. You don't have to wait until you cuss somebody out. You don't have to wait until you're feeling like you're intruded upon. You don't have to wait until you're hurt. You don't have to wait until you're anxious. You don't have to. To wait until you need to lock yourself away. You can think about it in advance because we're talking about it today. Okay. This is my gift to you. Let's talk about it in advance. So my question is to ask you, where do you need to set boundaries? Where do you feel like your true— your space has been intruded upon and you, you're not mad at them. It's just that it's not the way you kind of want it. Healthy boundaries are helpful for you to think about in advance. Let me tell you what healthy boundaries will do for you. It will raise your self-esteem. And this is— let me give credit where credit is due. This is from thescienceofpeople.com, how to set boundaries. It will raise your self-esteem. It will lower your level of stress because you dealt with it before, not during. It will prioritize, help you prioritize your wellbeing. It will help you to get control of your time. It will help, help you to only take on responsibilities that you can handle. It will help you have the capacity to say no confidently. It will help you to have a better and a stronger sense of identity. It will help you to clearly communicate your needs. And the opposite of every single one of those is true. Lower self-esteem, lower or higher levels of stress, um, a lack of prioritization of your well-being, a lack of control of your time, less responsibility, not being able to say no, not having as strong of a sense of identity, and not being able to communicate your needs. If you have friends of any shape or form, light friends, acquaintances, deep friends, you've known them for 30 years, ask yourself, do I need to establish better boundaries? Even if you're not mad at them, even if there's no problem, do we need to not talk on the phone till midnight? Is it making me late for work the next day? What boundaries do you need? If someone continually hurts you over and over again, you're going to have to, and I know this for some of this, for some of y'all that makes me go, I don't want to, I don't want conflict. Let me tell you what's conflict. Conflict is when you don't say nothing and one day you blow up. That's conflict. It's not conflict to presuppose that if I felt a twinge a couple of times, that this road won't end up well if I don't say something now. So you can lovingly say to someone, I really appreciate you in my life. I love you. I hope you know that. Here are 3 things that have happened that have not made me feel good. And I've taken some time to think about my life. And why those may be bothering me. And here's what I've come up with, A, X, Y, Z. It would really help me if that would be something that you wouldn't tease me about again. If that is something that you wouldn't bring up again, I, that's something I just don't wanna talk about. It's just off limits. It's something that I wanna keep private in my processing time. You are totally fine to say all of that. And what's beautiful about this is it gives you a chance thinking about how do I need to set boundaries with my friends, this gives you a chance to think about the boundaries that you need. It's not about them, it's about you, so that you can have healthy territory, you can have a healthy mind, you can have a healthy heart. I love how Jesus set an example for us in this. He left, he left the 5,000 and got in a boat by himself and went to sleep. He left, he left his 12 and went on the mountain to pray. He left Even when he was talking to Pilate, when he was being accused of all the things and heading toward the cross, he was quiet. He was like, "You know, I'm not doing this with you. I refuse to engage. I'm setting a boundary. There's some conversation I'm just not going to have or some people I'm just not going to have them with." It is okay to say, "Not today." And I would encourage you, if you need reminders of why you need these boundaries, figure out what the gift to you is. If I put on my calendar a nothing weekend and somebody says, can you babysit? Somebody else says, can you meet me for breakfast? Somebody else says, can you help me with this church function? I look at my calendar and the boundary was the weekend was for me. It's not a no to them. It's a yes to me. You need boundaries. And the issue is we don't think we do need boundaries with our besties, but often those are the places where you actually need them the most. And it doesn't mean you're putting them towards arm's length. It means they get to know you, they get to honor you, and they get to acknowledge what you've stated. You need. So here's to boundaries, and here's to even setting boundaries with your besties so that both you and they individually and jointly can be the better off. So I hope that's helpful. And listen, if you're in the Inner Circle watching this, there, we have so much content inside y'all. There is a 21 Day for Boundaries. If you've never done it, You should, because if you learn how to set boundaries in your life, your life will get more focused. Your life will be less interrupted and less stressed. You will have greater clarity and you can move forward without weight. Oh, and this is what I want for you. I simply want you to be free because a beautiful life requires boundaries. True freedom requires communicating where your fault lines lie. And when you do this, not only will the people who love you be grateful that you've been clear, but your future life will thank you for removing the grenades and the landmines. Boundaries, that's all they do. It's acknowledging that there are some things that are buried that will blow up when you step on them. So since you can scout out the land in advance, Scout it out and then avoid them or remove them. Why? So that you win. So that you cross the battlefield of your life and win. So enjoy setting boundaries because good people do it in advance. Wise women do that ahead of time. And I believe since you're here, especially if you watched all this to the end, that's exactly who you are. A wise woman. All right, y'all, see you soon.