Some Emotional R&R #alittleQC

Good morning! Good morning!

Turn down the music so you can hear me. Let me bring on our Instagram people. Good morning, y'all. How are you? That's the question for today. How are you? Because last week was a doozy, wasn't it? I mean, technically. We just had to take a minute to accept the fact that we have come to a conclusion, and we're going to hold our breath and pray that we don't have weeks and weeks and months and months of being thrown back into no conclusion. Um, but we have a conclusion. So for a hot second, y'all, you ought to be able to take a breath. And say, woo, and put down the pizza and the ice cream and the soda and the cookies and the chips. Because I asked y'all, I sent out an email to all of those of you who are on my email list, and y'all told me, you told me what you've been eating, you told me what you've been doing to cope with the chaos. So I just, I just happen to know that some of y'all have been a little stressed. I passed by that chocolate cake just one too many times and happened to have a fork in my hand. So there's that. So, woo, woosa! So I'm glad you're here this morning and I'm glad that you are joining me. I had a plan and I'm changing that plan. For a couple of reasons. So you may or may not know, first of all, I always have to introduce myself because I forget that there are people on here who have no clue who I am. They just happen to get a notification that I was live, and then they were like, let me see, and then they joined, and then they're like, now who, what, where, why? So, uh, my name is Chrystal Hurst. If you're new, wave at me in the comments. I'm pointing at Instagram over here. And y'all, because apparently many of you consider yourself to be QC community people, uh, y'all can go ahead and dub yourselves as a welcoming committee. And if you see somebody raise their hand, you can say welcome. Okay, you can say welcome because even if I shout out to a couple of people, I'm gonna miss somebody. So welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Okay. So I don't want to take too much of my time and your time this morning talking about all the things, but if you don't know who I am, my name is Chrystal Hurst and I've been going live a lot since we've been quarantined. So I did every day for weeks and weeks and weeks, I think maybe 3 months or so. And then I was tired. So I, uh, took a break and then they, they, meaning y'all, would not leave me alone. So I came back and I'm here every week because really, I mean, the deal is we need each other, right? It's a little addictive seeing you every Monday morning. So good morning. And I'm here to talk about whatever I want to talk about, but hopefully when I talk, it is encouraging for you and it is practically helpful. So it's called A Little QC. It's Coffee with Chrystal Hurst. I wasn't together enough to have my coffee with me this morning, and I've already had, uh, a half a— a half of a big old thing of water. So I'm not going to drink any water because if I keep drinking water, then in the middle of the live I might have to go pee. I mean, I already bring you into my closet. Taking you to the toilet is not what I'm trying to do. But hopefully you're drinking something good this morning, or you had something good to drink. If you haven't had any water, let me encourage you to hydrate. Hydrate. Okay. I love how I see y'all welcoming each other. This is so great. Okay. So if you want to know more about me or hear from me and get a little bit more detail than what I'm going to talk about this morning, make sure you're on my email list. That's the way to make sure you don't miss a thing. But I shared in my last email that I sent out on Saturday, in addition to a new podcast, if you are a podcast listener, and in addition to a picture of the cake that I've been slowly making my way through all week long, I also sent out 3 articles that I discovered on stress eating, which is why I started talking about stress eating. And then that's why I asked y'all what you were stress eating and y'all were telling me all the things. So if you want to make sure you're on my email list, just go to chrystalhurtz.com. Right there under the picture, you'll see a spot for your email. But the important thing that I need to make sure that you know about this week, this is the important thing for this week. Okay. This week, the Sister Circle online event is happening. It's Friday and Saturday. And if you've heard me talking about it, and if you haven't registered, or if you've been teetering on the edge, uh, register because it's Friday and Saturday, and then you're going to forget, and then you're going to be late, then you're going to be stressed out. If you've been thinking you're going to do it, go ahead and do it. So here's the deal. What is the Sister Circle online event? So this is an opportunity for me to gather, um, my people— friends, acquaintances, people I admire, people that have messages, that have written books, that have ministries, that have businesses, that have a message— so that we can get together all in one place to encourage you. And while I am pro-inspiration and pro-motivation and pro-all the things that will help you, you know, get up and feel like going, what I'm really about is giving you the practical tips, tools, so that you are equipped to know how to do the thing you need to do after you get all inspired. Because inspiration and motivation will tail off. It will tail off. And if you don't know what steps you're supposed to take, if you don't know what actions you're supposed to be doing and how you're supposed to activate the messages that you've heard, then you just come back for more inspiration later. And I mean, inspiration is good, but knowing how to do the thing is even better. And so we'll be talking about purpose and balance and relationships, uh, and, and we'll even have a summit on business because so many of you all have realized that, um, you might need a side hustle in your life because 2020 has taught you that maybe the things that you were depending on for income are not the only things you need to be depending on. And so when it— when we want to talk about starting a business, building a business, scaling a business, really excited about that being special and extra. So TSC Online is how you register. Invite a friend. And what makes this event different than a lot of events that I've seen, because everybody and they mama now has an online event, which is great because that means that all of us can now go to all the things we've always wanted to go to and we can do it in our pajamas. With ice cream. But anyway, the point is, what makes this different is that the encouragers are live, meaning that they are either live teaching, or as you watch their recorded teaching, they are live with you in the comments. And all of them, after their teaching, avail themselves to you for live Q&A. So you don't have to leave with that question that you had answered that you wrote in your notebook thinking, oh, I wish they would have told me how, or wish they would have said. You actually get a chance to, um, engage with the speaker. And that's what makes this different. You get to know the people, they get to see you and talk to you. And so because I want you to register for the event, I wanted to make sure I told you about that at the top, but I want to jump off of that into a couple of things that I know you want to know. So last week I had a little bit of a breakdown talking about not having a refrigerator. Some of y'all who were here will remember that. I don't want to spend a lot of time talking about the refrigerator, but I know if I don't mention it, then y'all are going to start asking me in the comments. So I'm just going to go ahead and get it out there. I did go ahead with the refrigerator that was in stock, which was a silver GE. I called my appliance people that always fix my appliances, and I said, what brand? They said, don't get an LG or Samsung. Those are beautiful. They call them the Barbie fridges because they're cute and they have hubs and family things and they play music and Alexa talks to them and all that. I said, but in 5 years it'll be broke and you'll have to replace it because they're not made to last. Get a Whirlpool or a GE. So I got a GE silver French door refrigerator. I had a French door before. I know that they are not the most efficient situations, but whatever. I love the bottom and the ice. And it doesn't match my kitchen. My kitchen has gold tones. It's gold and black. All the appliances are black. But somebody emailed me. Do you, you know, every now and then Somebody has to tell you what you already said and remind you about your own words. And they literally email me and said, now listen, honey, I've read She's Still There, and there's a chapter where you talk about a squirrel who dies in the middle of the road because they won't make a decision. So ma'am, can you just make a decision? Y'all were emailing me, DMing me, Chrystal Hurst, move on with your life. Just get the fridge that's in stock. Let them deliver the one that's on Tuesday. When it came in I said, this fridge don't match. But you want to know what I also did right after that? I put my food in the fridge. And I have a fridge. Ta-da! So there you go. See, Carissa's like, yeah, I was wondering about that. I was wondering what you decided to do. So, and then one person said to me, start replacing it with the color you want, because as your other appliances die, you're going to replace them. And you're not going to want to keep replacing things with black if what you really want is stainless steel. I keep saying silver, the stainless steel. So there you go, y'all, crisis averted. But my refrigerator don't match my kitchen. Okay, so here's what I wanted to do this morning. So because we were all stress eating and because we were all struggling, um, I wanted to bring on a friend of mine to talk about what it looks like to emotionally rest, recover, rejuvenate, refill, refuel, because a lot of us need that. Last week was rough. I mean, just the news alone alerting us every 5 seconds that something imminently horrible was at hand one way or the other. It was just, you know, like the music even, like, you know, one of the news stations, you know, as they switch to breaking news, it's like dun dun dun. You know, it's just, it was just stressful. And, um, I just found myself feeling heavy and, um, you know, just, oh, it was just heavy. So, um, I, I looked up and was just— I realized that I was doing some craziness with food. And when you pay attention to your life, you can, um, notice when things are off. Uh, you notice that there are things that you, you know, habits that you may have conquered that you now fallen back into, or there are, you know, there's emotions that people around you— everybody's irritating you. When you pay attention to your life, you notice when something's off, right? And so when I get off, stress is— I eat, okay? Um, so now I'm gonna have to juice my way into cleansing my, my guts. But anyway, um, that's what happened to me. Some of us get headaches, some of us get irritable, some of us get sleepy, some of us get, you know, whatever. And I wanted to talk about this concept of emotional rest and recovery because we need it. Now, what I had been doing is doing Q&As over the topics that we're talking about in the online event. I was taking questions from the Inner Circle. So we talked about business before. If you want to watch that, you can go back, back and watch. We talked about purpose. We talked about balance. Next is relationships. So I'm going to look and see where this week I can go live one more time to talk about relationships. And if you're on my email list, I'll let you know when that is. Today though, we're going to talk about online recovery and I'm so— online recovery, emotional recovery. And I'm so excited. By the way, if you're not subscribed to Facebook or YouTube, hit the subscribe button and ring the bell on Facebook and make sure you're getting notifications on YouTube and make sure you're getting notifications on Facebook. That way when I go live, you won't miss it. So because I'm a little bit of a geeky girl, y'all, I discovered a new way to interview people. And I'm bringing on somebody that some of y'all will already know because she's really smart. She's actually a licensed counselor. And, um, you know, quiet as it's kept, I don't have a counselor, but that's because she's my friend. So I want to bring on my friend Shandria Riddick. Okay, so in just a second you'll be able to see her, and I'm going to put her website up here because Y'all, she is here for you in a lot of different ways. She obviously does individual counseling, but she also, if I can find my way back to my screen, but she also is, where did it go? But she also has like these group sessions. And so anyway, she's constantly doing really smart things because she's a really smart person. And not only have we been friends for 20+ years, I guess, but also, um, let me see. There we go. There's her name, shindriyariddick.com. But also, um, she has been a guest on the podcast multiple times. She's been on the Sister Circle Show multiple times. She's been, um, a guest in our Inner Circle summits multiple times. She's actually one of our encouragers this weekend for the event. And she's been in the events multiple times in person, online. And so I literally texted her this morning at like 6 something. It was like, you know, when you wake up, let me know because I think I want to talk to you this morning about what it looks like to get our act together because some of us are struggling to get our act together. Hi, Shandria.

Hi.

I'm looking at the comments. Shandria is amazing. That's what Shawna said on Instagram. And then Satelia Rogers, Shandrea, you're the best. Vernita said, good morning, Shandrea. Shakira said, hi, Shandrea. They're excited. They're like, ooh, we about to learn. We about to grow.

Okay.

So I just want to know, were you feeling any stress last week?

Yes. Oh my goodness, yes, I was feeling stressed. I was. I, I was trying not to be, but it was really hard not to be stressed. It was, it was hard not to pay attention to my phone. Yes, not to pay attention to the, you know, the TV. Yeah, it was hard.

Okay, so the question that I have for you is, what did stress look like? Like, how did that show up for you?

Well, for me it was, um, of course I wanted sweets, so I wanted to eat, and I was just on edge. Like, I didn't have the capacity for too much stress, so I didn't have the capacity for anything other than what I was doing at the time, right? So I was easily frustrated, um, distracted. I really couldn't concentrate on things. And, um, yeah, and I kind of wanted to talk, but then I didn't want to talk. Just indecisive things like that. Yeah.

Okay, so I love how you said you couldn't focus. It was hard to focus, like you were just kind of all over the place mentally. Because I— there are a couple of projects that I'm supposed to be working on, and my brain couldn't do it. It was like I was sitting down and, um, The best way I can describe it is like mud. It just felt like everything that I was trying to do was muddy. And I don't think it was mud because things were bad. I just think it was mud because there was just too much. There were too many things. And, um, I thought I was, I thought something was wrong. You know, I was trying to figure out what's wrong. It's kind of like writer's block when you can't write and you don't really know why. You just can't make your way through clearly. And it took me a minute to realize that I was stressed. It took me a minute to realize that my mental capacities were taxed. I kind of mentioned a few of the things that I've noticed when I'm stressed. I talked about eating and I talked about irritability, but what do you find are other ways that people can look out for signs that they are emotionally taxed?

Just the general feeling of discontent, just not really knowing what's going on. You know, you really can't put your finger on it. I think that's a big thing. Also, you know, eating, of course. You know, we talk about, you know, stress eating. That really is a thing. Nervousness, increased heart rate, you know, physical signs, not being able to sleep, not being able to just have a conversation without your mind wandering. Things like that. I mean, we don't really consider, you know, those physical responses where your heart level and your blood is go— you know, pumping through your body. Those are all signs of the stress hormone just raging through your body. And if you do that, have that, that chronic low sense of stress the whole time, which is kind of what happened with us last week, um, your body is constantly, constantly in a fight or flight stance. So physical things— heart rate, you know, blood pumping, um, trying, you know, stress eating, sweating, things like that— it keeps your body, you know, on alert. So a lot of physical things happen as well. So all of that to say is that your body is responding to what's on your mind.

Now, I, I forgot— I'm gonna pause for just one second. Don't forget, you say all of that is what, what your body is responding to what's on your mind. So Y'all on Instagram, I forgot, I forgot that y'all can't see her. I didn't think about that this morning. So basically here's what you need to do to join the conversation because this is what's happening on my screen. Okay. That's what's happening on my screen, but y'all can't see or hear because I didn't go through all the technical dances this morning. I couldn't, I couldn't do all that. So if you want to hear or see, just jump over to Facebook. I'm going to end this and, or YouTube. Either way, youtube.com/chrystalhurst, facebook.com/chrystalhurst, and you can watch. Okay. Okay. Yes. Your body's responding. Like, as you're talking, I was laying down in the bed, um, Shandria, and, uh, this was Saturday night. It was Saturday night. And even though I know election stuff had come to a head, like there was knowledge there, there were so many other things that snowballed on me. And you know how I am anyway in terms of, you know, letting my woulda, shoulda, couldas pile on, you know, and I started feeling the pressure not just of the week, but of all the things I hadn't done that week, the decisions that I needed to make. And it was like a, it was like one trigger started a snowball of other things that I hadn't done, that I hadn't finished, that I didn't do well, that I wish I could have done better, things that I wanted to be present for that I missed. I mean, my brain started. And what I noticed though, as I laid down, I felt my heart boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And nothing was happening. Nothing was happening. And in general, I don't know. I mean, you know me. I don't think I Y'all see how I'm about to go into my free counseling session? I don't think I—

it's a mess.

I don't think I consider myself to be an anxiety-prone person in terms of like what I— you know, when people say they really struggle with anxiety, like I don't just walk around in my life feeling what I think signals anxiety, like, you know, just nervousness or, you know, just hesitation or high levels of fear. But I think how anxiety shows up for me is just a high level of stress. And because I'm kind of a stuffer, I just put my nose to the grind and I keep doing the thing. And it's not until something starts breaking down in my life that I realize that I've been carrying this high level of stress or that high level of fear or this high level of anxiety. I just know how to barrel through it. So I was laying there thinking, Am I gonna die? Like, my— literally, my, my, my body, like you were saying, my body was like overload. Yeah, overload, overload. And I just laid there, girl, trying to breathe, just like trying to focus on my breath and calm myself down. And then nothing had happened. Like, nothing had happened.

But that, that's the point. And that's why we always say, you know, when you are stressed, it cause crazy damage to your body. And Chrystal, just because you're not a person that chronically thinks, I'm worrying about something, or I have too much going on, or what's going to happen, doesn't mean that you're not stressed and doesn't mean like that you don't have anxiety. It just shows up with you differently. So it's, you know, that anxiety part where you talked about, oh, I have this going on, these are all the things I have to do, you know, I'm stressed about it. Um, ma'am, that's anxiety. That's the same thing.

Oh my gosh. So So how can we, okay, before we get to what it looks like to recover from emotional, like what are the things that we can do, um, to start that recovery process or to even become aware of what helps us, how can we catch it before we're laying in the bed with that, or before we blow up at somebody, or before we had, we get a tension headache, or before, or is there nothing else to do besides wait for those major signs? Uh, is that the only signal, or can you catch it before that?

No, there are things that you can do before. Like, you know, you have to monitor your life. You have to be aware of your days. What, what do you have going on in your days? If you have a lot of things going on, a lot of things on your to-do list, um, you're constantly feeling as if, you know, I don't have— I don't have enough time in my day to get things done, you might want to start thinking about what things are in your day that you can't get things done. Um, if you have, you know, small kids and you're running around, you have, you know, 2, 3, 4, 1 child and you're running around all the time, you may want to put some self-care into your schedule. You don't have to get to the tension headache, you don't have to get to the stress eating, you don't have to get to any of that. You have to plan to have some self-care in your day. There are 24 hours in a day, 8 of those you need to be asleep. The other part of that, you need to be eating. You know, there are things that have to go on, and if you're not getting your sleep, your rest, and every hour of your day is filled and your mind is filled, you may want to, you know, inject some relaxation, some self-care. And not— I'm not just talking about spa days, you know. There are things you can do during the, during the day that kind of keep you from there. But if you're busy and you don't have enough time, if you feel like, you know, you're frustrated because you have to go pee There's something wrong if you're not using the bathroom in the course of your day.

Okay, but let's make this applicable to— because there are seasons that there's nothing you can do about that. I mean, there are seasons, like you mentioned, the 4 kids where, you know, you know, like last night, you know, I'm up late with a teenager who's writing a paper, you know, but then I remember those days when my oldest was a teenager, and where I'd be up late with her. But then, you know, that doesn't stop the the nursing baby from getting up and staying awake all night, you know? And so then those are seasons where, I mean, you know, okay. And then I remember, you know, I remember my mother telling me about taking care of myself and I'd be like, exactly when and where do you want me to? How do you want me to do? How do you want me to do that? Or, you know, seasons where you are on a sprint because it is finals. So you're not getting those 8 hours and you are eating crap and you know what I mean? And those, so when you're in those seasons, where you are really— you, you can't— you cannot see how you can make room for that recovery, that self-care? What do you do? What do you do then?

Well, I think there are expectations that we have of ourselves during those times. And a lot of times as, as moms and as, you know, business people, I think a lot of times we have expectations of ourselves that are really irrational. So yes, first, first off, know that everything that's on your list doesn't always— isn't always urgent and important. There are some things that are urgent, then there are some things that are important. Um, and so you kind of have to figure out what things have to be done and then what things can you really— it's really okay not to have those things done. You know, I had teenagers too. I was up all night. Yes, I had a nursing baby, and yes, I did all the things And then unfortunately for me, by the time that third baby came around, I was like, oh, I don't have to do all that stuff. The baby is fine, you know. It doesn't— it doesn't need a bath every day, you know. Or there's some days I can go to— I can go to sleep without bathing a baby, you know. Yeah. Um, so just some things that are— you have to kind of figure out that may be important, but they're not urgent. If you know, if you're in that part of your life.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's, it's tough. And I, um, one of my kids is high. He doesn't, he doesn't do stress very well at all. Like, I mean, and not that we should, I'm just saying like he starts breaking down pretty fast. And so trying to walk him through, you know, how to manage that stress. And I, you know, you hear all the time about, um, teenagers today and the level of stress that they're under with school and college and all that. And I've heard about that. And in my head, honestly, I'm thinking my kids are not going to have that level of stress because me homeschooling, there's a lot of things that I get to decide. But I think the world that we're in is still presenting stimuli that adds to sensory overload. And some of that sensory overload, whether it be screens friends, expectations. I think that the weight is still different, I think, than when we were in school. And so, you know, watching him as a male trying to help that has been challenging too, because he doesn't, you know, he doesn't have the awareness. So let me ask you this. When we realize that the people that are in our lives, our friends, our mothers, our sisters, our neighbors, our coworkers, our children, our spouses, that they are not aware that their overload is overflowing on us? Because which, you know, that brings stress too. How can we manage? How can we communicate to people we have to do life with that are adding to our load? We can't do it for them. We can't control them. We can't, we can't force them to do anything, but how can we communicate? That's one of the relationship questions I did get was a wife communicating to her husband when stuff is out of whack. And she, you know, how do I tell him he's got to stop that? You know what I mean? Or this, this makes it hard for me. How do I? So what do you do when you can't control another person, but they're overwhelmed? Is impacting you?

Man, that is hard because you can't control anybody else. So the thing that you— the person that you can control is yourself. So you can decide if you want to have a conversation and say, hey, you know, I'm concerned about you, you have a lot going on, do you need help? You know, can I help you with things? I've noticed that when you're stressed out, these things are happening. Is there a part— can I help you in anything? That's one. Two, if you can't help Just say, hey, I'm concerned about you, you know, you're stressed out and I'm getting stressed out because you're stressed out. What's going on? Do you want to talk about it? You can use those words, but apart from that, you have to— you can be responsible to someone and not responsible for them. You can present the help.

Say that one more time.

You can be responsible to them, but you're not responsible for them.

That right there, somebody, I need to write that down.

Yeah, you can say, hey, I need— you know, you need any help, you can offer all the, the, the options for them, but you have to step back and then say, I've done what I needed to do. If they want help, they'll ask me, they'll come to me. And then at that point, you really have to take care of yourself. It's just like on the plane when they say, you know, put the mask over yourself, then you can help somebody else. You can't be in the emergency, you can't be in the upheaval with them all the time, especially if it's an ongoing thing. So you kind of have to step back and say, I really have to take care of myself. I'm here for them if they need me, but I really have to keep going. I can't stay in that space or I won't be able to help them. I can't be in a constant state of panic or I won't be able to help them. So you keep yourself healthy, and then, you know, if they ask for help, you can. But that's being responsible too. You're available. But 4 means you're worrying with them. You're wanting it, you know, you're worried about what choice they're going to make and if they're going to make it and when they're going to make it. And, you know, all the, you know, disaster things that happens if they don't make the response, and you're worrying about it, you know, you can't want it more than they do.

I mean, I mean, I'm laughing partially because my brain is going through my own life right now, um, but also Zara Brown in the comments She's on YouTube. The first thing she said was, you walk out the room. Then she said, sometimes I just let my roommate do her whole thing till she's finished. And then she often goes off on her own or she'll realize she's just being too much and she'll go deal with herself. Because I mean, I have found myself being too much sometimes. Like I'm too much. And I realize as I'm ranting and raving, I mean, you know, Shandria knows, and my close friend knows, I call it Chrystalisms. And I will call and I will say, I need a minute. It's a Chrystalism. I'm just telling you now, I already know I'm about to talk myself in circles. I already know it's going to be team too much. I just need a sounding board. I just need—

I laughed when y'all were talking about that refrigerator. I was like, I can only imagine how those conversations were going.

Girl, it was a 30-minute rant. About a refrigerator.

How many, how many refrigerators did you research, Chrystal Hurst?

Well, I, I actually didn't research that many because, okay, when I realized that Black refrigerators— and this is where the rant was coming in, girl— there's a, there's a shortage of Black refrigerators. There's a shortage of appliances in general, but Black refrigerators, they're being they're being done away with in favor of black stainless steel refrigerators, which are really gray. So no matter what, I wasn't going to match my kitchen. Oh, okay. And I had been waiting for 4 weeks for the company to fix my fridge. That was the problem is that they couldn't get a part. So it was a whole thing about me waiting and, you know, but no, once I realized that no matter what I did, the black refrigerators weren't going to be in stock until 2021. Then I just marched myself right on down to the appliance store and just bought a refrigerator.

Yeah, yeah, that's the Chrystalism.

That's, that's a Chrystalism. But, but I also, uh, but I also realized that, um, that sometimes we all have our isms. I mean, even though I tend to go a little bit further than most people, we all have our isms, and sometimes the ism is us working it out. Like it's us figuring out. I mean, don't you think that that's a big part of what therapy is, is that you are working your way to an answer that you may even know, but you don't know you know?

You don't know you know. And then it's sometimes it just takes in therapy, talking, working things out, asking questions gives you a different perspective. It helps get you to the place where you can— yeah, you can see it yourself. You can come to your own conclusion.

Girl, I'm laughing because Cherie said, Cherie said Oh, I'm gonna come up with my own term. I'm gonna call it Sharia tripping. Oh my gosh. Okay, go ahead.

Well, you can have your own Sharia tripping. Um, you can have your own, and many of you do. You just don't have a name for it, so you can name yours. But, um, it is a place— therapy is a place where you come and you help, you know, someone helps guide you in your thoughts. Because many times when you're thinking and you're— we call it catastrophizing and awfulizing things in your life— it takes someone who does not have a dog in the hunt to say, hey, listen, this is— let me give you a bigger perspective of what's happening in your life and why you're feeling that way. So yes, these, these events happen in your life, or this is happening right now. Have you considered this? Kind of view of it. So yeah, it helps get you to a place— some things you know, some things you don't, some things you, you've never looked at things a certain way. So, um, yeah, it, it takes talking and discussing and turning things over, looking under some things, um, to get you to a place where you have a whole different perspective about your life and different coping tools.

And that's why I think journaling is so important. Okay, so this is a crystal.

Yes.

Okay. So Emily Freeman, I had her on the podcast. If you want to listen, just go to chrystalhurst.com/blog and then in the little search bar, just search for Emily Freeman, or you can probably just Google. You have your Sister Circle cup. Okay. So, so we talked about, uh, we were talking about making decisions, but during our conversation she, um, mentioned journaling and this 5-year journal that her grandmother had. And I had never heard of this. So then I went and researched 5-year journals. And what it is, is that every page is the same day, but a different year. And so the goal is, is that every day you're journaling, but from year to year, you, you are reminded without having to pick up another journal, what was going on. And you have maybe 3 to 5 lines to write. It's not supposed to be a lot. So she was just saying how even in few words, how she was able to, you know, it was fun to see her grandmother's thoughts. And then she decided to do this 5-year journal because she wasn't a journaler. And she didn't realize until she started just doing one or two sentences how cathartic it was for her to get her thoughts out of her head. So I know that a lot of people don't consider themselves to be writers, but I want to encourage you, whether you have a journal, 5-year journal, or a spiral notebook from Walmart, to take the time to, even if it's not like full sentences, just to get words out and put them down, to get, get them out of your out of your head. Um, what I've found a lot of times that is therapeutic for me, cathartic for me, helpful for me, is isolating what the problem actually is because the emotions throw me all over. So here's the Chrystalism. The Chrystalism is I was trying to decide which 5-year journal to get.

Of course.

So And I was going to talk about the Five-Year Journal on the Christmas, you know, we always do the little Christmas thing, Karris and I do that. And so I was like, I don't, you know, I'm not making any money off of them, so which one do I want? Girl, I couldn't decide. In a matter of 3 days, I had 7 Five-Year Journals arrive at my door. So I'm probably going to, you know, my rationale was I'm going to give some of them away for Christmas. I'll keep the one I really, really, you know, fall in love with and then I'll give them away to friends. But really what it was is I couldn't decide which 5-year journal, so I just ordered, ordered like 7. So yeah, um, but anyway, how do you feel like journaling or writing things down, how that's helpful even for people who don't consider themselves to be journalers?

It, it is helpful, and, and yes, very cathartic, and I love journaling. Um, let me, let me put this in here. I don't journal very often. I am the worst journaler because I don't like journaling. It makes me stressed out to feel like I—

if I forget, you have to do it every day.

I have to do it or I'm behind, or I'm not a great person because, you know, I'm not gonna have anything to hand to my kids. They're gonna be like, my mom put like 3 entries in her journal her whole life. So, um, but yes, it does. Even the times when I do it now, I do mine just a little different because I can't commit to a journal.

Yeah.

So I usually use my note feature on my phone, or, you know, sometimes I, you know, have to record myself on my memo to say, write this down, or something like that, or how I'm feeling at the moment. That usually helps. And yes, going back, listening to it— sometimes I can go back and listen to a message I left myself and think, goodness, who was that?

You know, sound like a crazy person.

Yep, sound like a crazy person. What is— what was going on with you at that time? So it does help me see my patterns, um, you know, how I— my thinking process when I am stressed out, how I do certain things. But, you know, don't— for those of you who aren't journalers, you know, my journal says, you know, June 1st, you know, June 1st, 2000, and September 3rd, 2015. That's, that's what my journal says. So, um, it's not, it's not in any— but don't feel the pressure. But do, if you feel the urge to write something down, it does help. Voice messages, note feature in your phone, um, I do that, um, and it does help.

Elise Blunt said, I can't buy any more journals until I use all the ones I have.

Exactly. And mine are so pitiful. Um, what's her name? Elise. Mine are so pitiful that I have like beautiful journals with like 3 pages written in them, and I kind of want to tear them out to start over. To start over.

Oh, I did. Oh, I did.

So pitiful. I feel so pitiful, girl.

Listen, I started journals for my boys because I was going to write down like all the little things that they did. Yeah, girl, we moved. Yeah, we just moved, and I had all these journals stacked up, so I went in and just— and took out the first 3 pages, tore them out, and just stuck them in a folder. That's all I did. That's, that's all I got. Yeah, I'm not even— I'm not going to even torture myself with the fact that the rest of the book is empty. What I have faithfully done is taken pictures. I have faithfully taken pictures. Haven't scrapbooked them, haven't written on them, but I've taken them. I've faithfully done that. So anyway, that's good.

That's good. Yeah, it's important to kind of know what you're thinking. And if any way you can get that out so you can go back and look at it, then you can see—

yes—

any emotional instability and progress.

And progress.

Progress. Yes. And just some thought patterns that you didn't realize that you have, and some way you care— the way you characterize things when things are happening in your life, good or bad. You need to see that.

Absolutely. And I think, um, I mean, it can work the other way too. It can be depressing because it's like, it's like New Year's resolutions, because you know that last year you made the exact same resolutions you're about to make this year, and you realize that a whole year went by, you didn't do nothing. But it also can work in reverse, that, you know, like, I actually looked, and for a long time my prayer request, one of them was us getting a house. And I was looking through something the other day, some random notepad and it just had prayers and I was like, house. And I was like, we got a house this year. You know, like it was a prayer request that was answered. So one of the things that I will do when I journal is usually it's to untangle toxic thoughts. It's an exercise in getting out yuckiness. And then my journals were only bad. It was only the bad stuff. And I was like, if anybody reads my journals, they're going to be like, her life was horrible, which is not the case. So I made the practice because you hear about gratitude all the time too. So I made the practice even when I journal because I need to get stuff out, then I'm going to decide at the end of that to find something good, to find something good.

That's good.

Or to write the prayer request. So when I go back, I'm not only seeing all the junk that I'm seeing, but there were some good things, good things at work too. Okay, so go ahead. What about to say?

No, I was gonna say that, that's self-care to make sure you have some good things in your life too. That's self-care. Yes.

Okay. So how do we get off the train? So Shandria, I'm not going to tell all the people what I did, but let's just say last night, and I don't consider myself to have a binge eating problem, but last night I had a problem, a major problem. And as I sat in the car, I thought, I thought this is the stuff you see on TV. And you'd be looking at people like, how did you get here? And last night was one of those, this is how you get there moments. Horrible, horrible. I'll tell you about it when we log off.

But it was bad.

Bad. Okay, but when, but a lot of times for me, when once I'm on that emotional roller coaster, getting off is hard. I mean, you are, you're kind of wrapped up in, you know, and because you can so easily point the finger at something else that is the cause. So, you know, then it becomes that something else that has to release you from your tripping, you know what I mean? If I'm blaming my husband for it, if I'm blaming my job for it, my boss for it, if I'm blaming of the election for it, okay, then until those external things are settled, then what I'm essentially saying is I can't settle. I can't, I can't self, self-soothe until those external things have been taken care of. But I know, I'm assuming that you would agree that you can develop some level of self-care and self, self-soothing and emotional recovery when those things are still out of whack around you. Not everything, but a lot of things. So how do you get off the roller coaster when the roller coaster actually is still happening?

Well, I think what I often say to my clients is, you know, sometimes you have to time your tantrums. Sometimes you have to set a clock and time it and give yourself, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go and I'm just gonna cry, and I'm gonna do this crying, and I'm gonna, you know, get it all out. And then you set your timer, and then after that you say, okay, now what do I need to do now? What's next?

So, okay, I gotta stop you because Latasha said, I'm going to Vegas this week. I have looked up and made a list of all the places I'm gonna eat. This is a planned binge.

Go for it. Go ahead.

My time, my time is the time that I'm in Las Vegas. Yes, do it.

I agree, self-care is everything. Yeah, I think you have to, you have to have You have to make a plan. And even— and I'm not saying plan is like a, you know, bullet points and all that. Is some things in your life you're not going to solve because many of them have nothing to do with you. That's the whole responsible to and responsible for. And you're not going to have— and the things in your life, all of them aren't going to get done all of a sudden. That's the whole urgent and important things. And then there's urgent and, you know, not urgent and important, not, not urgent, not important. You kind of have to figure out what things can you do and what are your expectations associated with those things? So really sitting down with a clear mind, knowing that you're stressed out, and say, okay, this is what I can get done today. And give yourself grace. You know, we just have these expectations of ourselves that everything has to be done at a certain time, has to look a certain way, and we don't factor in life. And so life happens to us all. So give yourself some grace and just, you know, do what you can do to, you know, in the course of the day. Um, and, and talk to somebody. Talk to a friend and say, hey girl, look, these are all the things. Can you just help me? I'm trying to figure out what's going on and which ones I can get done. You know, ask someone for input. Many times you can't be your own gauge if you're already on 10. So if you're on 10 and you're trying to, you know, get everything done and you can't— you don't really have a clear view of what you're doing— have somebody, you know, sit down and talk to somebody. It doesn't have to be a therapist. I always recommend therapy, by the way, but it doesn't have to be a therapist all the time. You can have a friend to walk you through some things, but just breathe a little bit. Look at, you know, don't think everything has to be in order every day of your life all the time. That's an irrational expectation, and that happens to no one.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, that happens to no one.

So if you were going to give just kind of a summary All right, girls, you've been on an emotional roller coaster. So starting today, look around or in, or attempt to incorporate, I don't know, these two things, these three things. Like what would be your practical steps after listening to our conversation?

Turn off the television and social media, at least for a little bit during the day. You need, your brain needs a break. It's too much. Stimulus. There's too many things happening at one time. So we hop from Twitter to Facebook. Now there's Parler. Um, there's so much— yeah, it's, it's— people are leaving Facebook and they're going to another social app called Parler. And Parler, I think, um, from what I understand, is a lot less, um, policed than Facebook. I'm not sure it's a great platform just because Dogs. The dog sees a squirrel outside and see, that's the, that's the thing, girl. The squirrel.

That was funny.

Yeah, uh, yeah, parlor.

Are the kids over there? Is that what happened? Did the kids go somewhere?

I think the old people are going over there. I don't know if it's just the kids. I know I can't keep up. I can't. But anyway, it's, it's too much and it's too much stimulus. So just turn that off a couple of times a day. Try to get to a space in your life where even if, you know, you have little ones or you have a job and you're, you know, Zooming all day, get to a place where you can just unplug. Unplug. There is no way you can be plugged in and still try to call it relaxing because you're, you're still doing you know, everything is still coming at you. So unplug is one. Get off of social media, TV, turn it off, turn on some music if you can't have silence. Um, and the other thing is, you know, move around a little bit. You know, being said, you know, just sitting down all, all day isn't, you know, good for you as well. Move around a little bit, even if it's, you know, walking outside, taking your dog for a walk. Or at the end of the day, after I've seen all my clients, I get in my car and I take a drive. I just drive, you know, sometimes with nothing on, sometimes with music on, but I just drive. But do something that takes care of yourself. Watch your eating, watch the caffeine, watch the sugar. You know, you hear that all the time, but those are the, you know, 3 practical things that you can do in the course of a day. That's, that's the 3.

Turn off the TV, get out. Yes, watch what you put in.

Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Well, I think it's interesting because you are, um, you know, as a counselor, we're talking about emotional recovery and emotional, uh, rest and rejuvenation, but in our own toxicity, our own struggles, our own stressors. But you're sitting there all day letting people bring all of their stuff to you. So, I mean, so when you're talking about what you're doing, and I think that that's notable because because it doesn't matter for all of you who are watching if this is your own internally overflowing chaos or if this is chaos that is externally being placed in your lap. It's still your responsibility to just say, I gotta, you know, I gotta go. I mean, sometimes, and you have to know, I wrote something down last night and I'm not going to say it perfectly, but I was just, it was talking about this principle of letting go and what do you do to let go when that letting go involves other people? Because of course, You're responsible to your spouse and to your children and to your job and to these things. How do you know the difference between being responsible to and be responsible for? And I don't know that this is all the way fleshed out, but what I wrote down is I'm going to do as much as I can for as long as I can, while I stay as healthy as I can, while I'm honoring God as much as I can. And it was like these, all these cans. And when you run out of cans, then that's enough. And last night was a night where I stayed up as long as I could to be supportive and rub the teenager's back. And then I was like, my parents went to bed. There were some papers I just was up until 4 o'clock in the morning because that was my business, you know, as Tabitha Brown would say. But then there are other nights when I can, you know, be a little more long-suffering because I can. And then there are some nights when I can't. And knowing the difference, that's the break between your to, responsible to, and you're responsible for. You have to know when you've gone as far as you you know, and I think it doesn't even the Bible say that as much as you can live at peace with all men and you have to know where your can stops and starts. When you, because I know a little bit about your life, how did you figure out your can? Like, you know, because I think we all as women, because we're responsible, even though, even the ones of us who are selfish and I consider myself often to be pretty selfish, but we want to do the right thing. So we want to take care of our people. We want to do a good job. We want to be good daughters. We want to be good sisters, good friends. And I want to do everything, be at every birthday party, be at all the events, you know, but then, so I find myself running around because I can. So how do you tell the difference between what you can do and what you really can't do? Because sometimes I think that's where we get into overextending ourselves.

Yeah, I think I figured that out when I couldn't— when I just, I kept going, I just couldn't, I couldn't do all the things. And then I had to reevaluate what my expectations were of myself. Like you said, as having a kid up all night and you're up with them at some point, it's not— that's not my paper. You knew you had this paper due. You need to get your stuff done. Yes, you need help and I'll help you as much as I can. But you do get to a place where, you know, you think about those stress That's the thing, the stressful thing. You're worrying about it, you're, you know, nervous. You're saying yes and you're saying when your yes is not your yes, and you're saying no when your no is not your no, and you're trying to accommodate everybody. If you're living your life trying to make sure everybody's happy and everybody's needs are met and you're neglecting yourself, that's when you can't. That's when you know that, okay, step back. If this is what I can do and I can control— when you are at not—

not—

and I hate that word we keep saying, well, where you're at peace, because because when we say that, we're thinking, oh, everything is okay and I'm walking through the park and I'm smiling. That's not it. At peace means you're done what you can do. You still have your schedule, you still have your, um, your kids, and you still have a husband, you still have your job, and if you still have all your things— even if you don't have a husband and kids, you still have all your things, um— and you can say, I've done what I can do today, and you can walk around without, you know, you know, sweaty palms and wringing your hands because, oh, I didn't get those 5 extra things done. Um, peace is saying, I'm okay, I did what I can do today, and that was all I could do. Instead of, you know, worrying about how else— how someone else is going to feel, or I don't have these 5 things done. So, you know, to answer your question, when you're at a place where you can't, then you can't.

Well, see, that's the beauty in getting older. I think is that there's a knowing that you can't get until you've run into a couple of fences. I mean, a dog will learn where the electric fence is after a couple of times of running into it, and then they learn. So, so some of this is, and we have to give ourselves the space to learn our boundaries. That's why you could be married the first 5 years for some people are hellacious. Because you got to figure those things out. And then after a while you, you settle in because you know, you know what you can take, you know what he's going to do, and you know what you're not going to take. You know what I mean? You know how far. And so there's, um, I think there's a grace that we have to give ourselves to say, if I haven't figured it out, okay, now I'm aware. And awareness is half the battle. I'm aware that my can-dos aren't always what I should do. And just because I can doesn't mean I should. And that's why I think we can look at, you know, young people like your daughter is one of them. And while she starts to grow, because she's young, she has a high level of self-awareness. And teaching, you know, teaching what we've learned to somebody that's behind us on the journey is crucial because sometimes they don't know what we can see. You know what I mean? They don't know it.

And we can say to them— I have a bunch of 20-somethings on my schedule and I love my 20-somethings because because they just— they are wonderful, they're energetic, and they have so many expectations of themselves that are still their 16 and 17-year-old brains, you know what I mean? They think, oh, I'm supposed to be completely successful at 25 and 27, I'm supposed to know my life, you know. And then in there, when they get to 24, 25, 26, they're realizing how life actually is, you know. And, you know, it's wonderful that a lot of them come to counseling, you know, to talk over things But yeah, it's important that you're telling your kids, you know, beforehand how life really works. But yes, sometimes we do have to run into that fence and hit our heads, you know, against the wall a couple of times, and then we realize, oh, this is really how it goes, you know. So it's— it is knowing, you know, speaking those things. Those of us who are older— I can't believe I'm saying that— those of us who are older can look back and just make sure we are you know, giving those lessons and, um, giving that wisdom to the people who are younger in those phases of life. I love talking to moms, you know, new moms and with small kids, or newly marrieds, or newly out of college people, because I've been there. And I know you can— I mean, you can fret over something for a long time and it never changes, and then you realize, oh, that's not going to change. Yep, that's how it is.

That's how it is. And we have to give ourselves the grace to learn because the reality is you don't know everything. I mean, that's the whole reason why we're having this conversation is because I know that a lot of women after this week, a lot of people after this week don't realize, or maybe realize later on in the week that all of this information, that all of this election stuff, that all of the news, all of it was having, it was taking a toll. And it took me a second to figure it out, which means I knew I knew that it was taking a toll and that means that maybe they needed to learn that too. So if you were wondering why you were doing all the crazy things, then that's a part of, that's probably a part of the reason. So now you've learned the news does influence you, the hanging things in the balance does influence you, the stress does influence you. And so now what are you going to do about it? Well, Shadria gave you some Unplug, leave, go for a walk, get outside, do something different. And then watch what you're putting in your mouth. Watch it. And then realize as you grow, you learn. And that's the way it should be. That's the way it should be.

Yeah, that's the way it should be.

Now listen, y'all, Shandria is a whole situation. So I want to encourage you to go to her website, shandriareddick.com. If this conversation has been helpful to you,. I also want to encourage you to, to share it. Facebook and YouTube make it really hard for people to find things if you don't tell people about it. So make sure you share it, like it, comment, all those things. And then also I want to remind you about the Sister Circle online event. Go to chrystalevanshurst.com/the-sister-circle or /tsc-online. Yeah, it's great. And Shandria will be one of our presenters there, one of our encouragers. And so you can get more of her as well as a bunch of other encouragers if you're there. So I hope this conversation has been great. Okay, that's enough of me taking up your morning. Relax, relate, release, take a deep breath.

Release.

And choose to live. All right, y'all, I'll talk to you later. Have a great day. Bye.