Chrystal Evans Hurst reflects on turning 50 and the soul work required to know yourself. True self-care means scheduling time for nothing—showering, driving alone, walking—so your soul can speak. She calls this getting a master's degree in yourself.
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Hello, my name is Chrystal Evans Hurst. Thanks so much for joining me here today. You are watching or listening to Coffee with Chrystal, which is a version of one of the pieces of content I share on the Sister Circle Podcast. You can catch me there by myself, solo episodes, or with friends. Either way, you can watch me by myself, you can listen to me with friends, and I want you to know that in either case, my goal is to help you live life well. You want to make sure that you are subscribed to to my YouTube channel or follow me on Facebook so that each week when I release content, uh, via video, you'll be notified. And if you're listening to the podcast, be sure and subscribe to your favorite podcast player, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Spotify to make sure you don't miss an episode. We all know that it's important for us to have good friends because people that we love and care about make life more fun. But have you ever thought about this truth that you really do need to learn what it means to be a good friend to you? Well, I want to help you figure that out today, so let's get into it. So this year is my 50th birthday, and I set a goal of trying to do at least one thing a month that I enjoy, but The choices were endless and the time is not. Time does have limits. And so deciding how I wanna spend my time is something that I've spent January doing, just looking at the list of things I wanna do, looking at the list of places I wanna go or experiences that I wanna have. But I have to tell you that looking at that list has presented a true fact to me. While I think I know myself pretty good and while I know pretty well what I enjoy, having to decide, having to limit it, having to narrow it down just a little bit has made me realize that of all the list of things that I could do, choosing what I want most to do isn't easy. Why? Mm, because sometimes I don't even think we know. And I think that that's okay. But what I've also learned is that it is an act of self-care for me to set aside the time to decide what's most important to me. I recently saw on Instagram a man who took a picture of his wife and said that it is his goal to get a master's degree in knowing his wife. That he wants to know what she loves. He wants to know what she does not like. He wants to know, um, what makes her happy. He wants to know what makes her sad. He wants to know how he can support her without her having to ask. His job is to know her. And you know what that made me remember? That made me remember that, um, when the Bible talks about a man knowing his wife in an intimate way, it uses this word 'know her.' And Adam knew his wife. It's this idea of knowing someone inside and out. You are known. The Bible talks about before you were born, that that God knit you together in your mother's womb, that every jot and tittle of who you are, he knows. And when he made you, just like when he made the world, he said, oh, she is very good. But what about what it means to know yourself, to have a master's degree in yourself, to know what will make you happy and what will make you sad, what will give you joy and what will give you angst? What does it mean to know how you want to spend your 50th year, 20th year, your 30th year. Well, I'm convinced that just like we have to get to know our friends, just like we need to get to know our spouse, just like we get to know our parents or our loved one or to serve other people, we have to actually examine and get a master's degree in the study of myself. What do I love? What brings me joy? So I wanted to just give you some help for doing that because I know that many of us, um, while we get to know ourselves a little bit over time. We don't have to wait until latter seasons of life to discover what's really important to us and what sets our souls on fire. But we do have to set aside the intentional time to figure that out. One of the things I've been challenged to do recently— in fact, the Inner Circle watching this recording as it was recorded live, they reminded me. In fact, someone said, girl, when do you Sabbath? And I was like, I'm not good at it. But you know, one of the things that I did this past weekend, mainly because I was recovering from grandchildren visiting me and also because I was preparing for all of my family coming over for First Sunday dinner, I, um, did nothing. Like, absolutely nothing. But by nothing, what I really mean are the some things that I wanted to do. One of the best ways for you to discover what you really want to do is to create space in your life for nothing. And that when there are no demands and when there is no responsibility and when there is nothing calling your name, even if it's not a whole day, even if it's just 3 hours, that in that space you decide what you are led to do. Where does your mind lead you? Where does your heart lead you? Where does your joy lead you? And in that empty space, things happen. One of the best ways that I make lists is not to make lists at all. It is simply to go in the bathroom and take a shower. Because when you empty your head and when your mind has nothing to do, it actually goes to work on your behalf. Such is the same with your soul. When your soul has space to not be in a toxic situation, in a tiresome situation, when you give yourself room to sit, well, your soul starts speaking. I posted on Instagram recently a post that talked about being in the car by yourself and how that's self-care. That is one of the most engaged posts I've had long time, because apparently I am not the only person who understands that sometimes being in the car and doing nothing is a form of self-care. But the space in the car, the space in the shower, or the space on a Sunday afternoon that you create is your way to leave room for your soul to speak to you. When it speaks, the question is, are you listening? Are you taking note? Not what you have to do, but of what you want to do. What brings you joy? Creating brings me joy. And so this past weekend, actually, when I was in a space where I had nothing to do, um, I was creating. I was learning some new technology. I was playing with some video and some audio. I was learning how to stitch some things together, watching some YouTube videos. I like learning how to be creative. I like trying new things, and in the space that was created this weekend, I did that. Now I know that some of you are not in a season where you have tons of extra space, but that's fine. I used to create extra space during nap time when my children were small, and when even as they got older and they weren't sleeping, 2 to 4 was still mommy time. And then in the middle of the night, 1 AM to 2 PM, 2 AM, when I'd be nursing a little kiddo, I would work on my blog back then and stitch things together on the back end there too. So it doesn't have to be a whole day, but it certainly has to be time that you can count on. Your soul needs to know that you've made an appointment with her. You need to value yourself enough to set a time to get together. After I finish recording this video, I will be heading to a meetup with a friend of mine. We're going to meet halfway And because I value her and value her time, and because I want to make sure that I see her face to face, we made an appointment. We put it on the calendar so that there was a commitment. That's all that a Sabbath is. That's all that Room for Soul Joy is. It is a space and time where you've said, I'm committed to showing up for my girl and letting her know that I see her, that I want to make room for her, and that I want to hear what she has to say. In this month of February, when this video is airing, we always think about love, love for our boyfriends or our husbands or our mothers, our sisters, our friends. And I want you to know that in order for you to be the best wife, the best girlfriend, the best friend, the best daughter, it often starts with you being good to you. When you are able to bring the overflow of you to the people that you love, You give better. You serve better. You don't do anyone any favors by giving out of emptiness. Jesus rested. He went away and regularly fell asleep, took a boat ride, went to the other side of the mountain, went away to pray. He went for quiet. The good thing about quiet is when you leave room for your soul to speak, so does your Savior. The Holy Spirit doesn't yell. He's a gentleman. He's not going to, um, demand your attention. But what he will do is in the still, quiet spaces in which you allow him to speak, he will. He may not speak to your mind. Sometimes he does. Often he speaks to the soul. Spirit speaks to the soul because only deep can truly call unto deep, and he will tell your soul what she needs to hear. So making room for self-care is making an appointment with your soul. And if you don't even know what to do with the time you give yourself, then start with giving time for your soul. That's what Sabbath is— room to breathe, room to hear, room to make space for whatever lights her soul on fire. Sometimes it helps me to speak about my soul in the third party because then I separate my mind and what my mind wants to do, or I separate my body and what my body feels like doing. I separate my sense of responsibility from what I feel like I have to do or what other people need me to do. And I acknowledge my soul as my sister, this girl that lives with me all the time, that it's my job in the flesh to protect, that I have to say with my mouth no to the many demands that other people would seek to bring on her, that I have to say with my mind not today, or there's a limitation or a boundary because someone around me is not Recognizing a boundary that my soul sister needs. This girl that walks around with you all the time is your sister. And the thing about this sister that's different than your physical sister or your spiritual sister are you are actually the only one that can see her fully, care for her deeply, and fight for her with passion. The girl that lives on the inside of you is always trying to tell you what the soul of you and the physical part of you and the mental part of you and the emotional part of you, what you need. But she's also very, very kind. She's not going to ruin her welcome, so you just have to make room for her. So how do you do that? Set aside time on your calendar. You don't have to know what you want to do. You don't even have to know where you want to go or what, what you're going to acknowledge. You just need to create space. She'll show up. She'll show up. And in that space, ask her, what do you really want to do? Sometimes you have to ask the soul of you, the sister that is always with you, what she wants to accomplish in the future to backwards engineer what she wants to do today. The soul of me, for example, wants one day to have created great memories of people coming to her home and being cared for. That means that the soul of Chrystal today has to make room to prepare for the first Sunday gathering that we have every month, and that I have to figure out a way to do that where I can do that with full joy, with full commitment, and also with the ability to, to do it fully without being freaked out the Monday after they leave because the kitchen is a mess. How does it work for me? But I know that that's where she's going, the girl in me. I know that the girl in me is going to building big things, and, um, whether that's enterprise or gatherings or business or ministry, I am built to build. The girl in me is a builder. She's project-oriented. She loves to create things, structures for people to gather. So that means that I have to create room for her to plan that. I have to create space for her to do that. The girl in me loves thrill and excitement. So that means that at some point in life, and probably some point this year she'll jump out of a plane. The girl in me loves to build things, and she also loves putting puzzles together. That means I have to create room for that because that's what sets her soul on fire. Creating new things is a recipe. Trying that sets my girl okay. So what does your girl need? What does she want? How do you know you set aside the space? Sabbath in the Bible is an opportunity to make room for the Lord. But when God told us to Sabbath, he was also thinking about you. He knew that your soul needed to hear from the spirit. He also knew that you needed to hear from your soul. And it's not until you create the space to do that that you actually know the joy of knowing you. When God created Adam and Eve, he started after creating the world and saying, this is good, this is good, this is good. And then he got to the two first people and said, oh, these are very good. You, my friend, are very good. The question is, do you know that? Have you studied your soul long enough to see what's good about you? So I want to encourage you to plan some nothingness into your life. It could be an hour a day, or it could be a Saturday a month. It doesn't matter. What matters the most is that you set an appointment with yourself, and in the space where you have no plans— like, I'm not talking about planning to go shopping, that's— there's nothing wrong with that, but I'm talking about planning nothingness and sitting with the emptiness and seeing what your soul says. Your soul is your girlfriend. She was your first girlfriend. The question is, do you make space for her like you do for everyone else? A long time ago, I learned that in order to really care for yourself, sometimes you can't even get to the care of your soul because you and your soul together are exhausted. And the first act of self-care, the first thing that you're doing— nothingness is to sleep. Do you know how much clarity rest brings? That's why you have to stop and do nothing, because sometimes you don't even know how tired you are until you sit still. I saw a friend of mine posted about being in a hotel recently, and she woke up and she ordered room service. And she said, I woke up because I was used to waking up. I have young children. And then I thought, girl, go back to sleep. Just because you're used to getting up, just because you did get up, doesn't mean you have to stay up. Sometimes the space that you're creating in your life, you have habits that will get in the way of you actually doing what your soul needs. You're so used to doing the things, so you have to unlearn activity and you have to learn to sit with your joy, to let your soul lead. This can be 30 minutes a day. Some of the best time that I've actually had paying attention to what my girl wants is going for a walk and not having anything in my ear, because the white noise of the traffic and the white noise of the wind rustling in the trees did not distract me from hearing her. And she told me what I needed to do that day. She told me what I needed to do for me and for other people. I was able to hear her. So doing nothing does not necessarily look like sitting still. It can look like taking a walk. It can look like going out and watering your garden. It can look like, um, cleaning up the kitchen, like something just mindless so that you can hear her, and then writing down what she wants you to do with your life. Self-care is caring for yourself. But it's not just a massage, it's not just getting your toes done, it's not just, you know, it's not just going out to eat by yourself. It's actually listening to what she needs. It's getting a master's degree in the art of you. And the thing is, you are actually the only person who can do that because you're the only person who will be in class with you your whole life. If you live with a spouse, they can get to know you. If you have a really good long-term lifelong girlfriend That's a good thing to do, but none of them are living in you. Only your soul is. So I'm a doer. I come from a very doing family. I was raised as a firstborn who loves getting straight A's and loves showing people her report card. I'm an achiever to the max, and I like to hear people say well done. In this season of my life I am considering the fact that the person apart from God who I really want a well done from is me. Getting a well done from me means no regret. Getting a well done from me means satisfaction. Getting a well done from me means I'm good with my life. But I have to know what my sister is saying she needs and wants, which means I have to listen. So in this month of February, what I want to challenge you to do is to pay attention to your soul. You don't have to agree with everything she says. You don't have to like everything she says. Some of the things she says may not even be correct. The Bible tells us that we can't even trust our own hearts. But what I can tell you is she's speaking, and if you listen to her, you'll be better off than if you don't. So that may look like Sunday afternoons, it may look like Saturday, it may look like when your kids nap, it may look like a few minutes before you go to bed, it may look like sitting in your car. But in a month where we're so marketed to about remembering to love on those we love. I want to remind you to love on the one who's always with you, has been with you since the day you were born, but has often been crowded out by the noise of the rest of the world. Before you figure out what to do for her for self-care, why don't you listen to what she's telling you she needs? There's nothing worse than having a boyfriend or a loved one or a husband get you a gift for your birthday you don't want? You want to be grateful, right? But you're thinking, this is not even what I want. What if you've been giving your girl things she doesn't even want because you've been listening to what everybody else says you ought to do for your girl to show her you love her? So you get your nails done and you get your toes done and you go to get a massage and you, you know, you take the girlfriend trip with your friends, and the whole time your girl is like I don't even want a massage, I want a bath. I don't want a trip with my girlfriends, I want to go somewhere alone. What if getting that degree is not what she wants, but she does want to read the same amount of books, but that are pushing her passions and not pushing her educational pursuits? What if you're giving your girl things she doesn't even need? So just like that husband said he's going to get a degree in the masters, a master's degree in, in his wife. Maybe it's time for you to set aside the time to learn and discover you. And then when you do, making space for the things she loves. It's February. Be sure and tell the people that you love you love them, and say it in a way that they can hear and receive it. Know what they really, really want and desire. But then don't skip you. So if at no other time, take the time this month to think about what your needs are. Not to be selfish in the negative way, but to be self-focused in a way where you know yourself well enough to give the best of yourself to the world. And you cannot do that without creating room. So here's to you knowing you, serving you, loving you, and then offering the best of what your soul has into this world for other people to be blessed by it, for Father God to be pleased by it. Because don't you know that when he sees you honoring you, he loves that? He loves to see you catching up to what he put in you, and then to live your life knowing that as you get older every year, that you've honored who you are. That's the way to live with no regrets. Know you, do you, and know that the you that's in there got put there. All right, y'all, I hope you enjoyed this, and if you did, why don't you share it with a friend? I'll see you next week.
