Stressed? WHY You Feel It and WHAT You Can Do About It!

When life gets tough, when life gets hard, there is a version of us that comes out. It may be a nerve-wracked version of us that comes out. It may be a more firm, more communicative person who comes out. Uh, it might be a more direct person who comes out, maybe a more emotional person who comes out? Who are you when you're pressed? And do you like what comes out? I think one of the things that we have to pay attention to in our life is who we are when we're pressed. Some of you, when you're pressed, the version of you, you need to be comes out. The person that needs to set boundaries, the person that needs to say no, the person that needs to be clear, who needs to say what you mean. But for some of us, the person that we become when we're pressed is someone we don't want to be, and we're upset with everybody for making that version of us come out. But here's what I need you to pay attention to: who you are when you're pressed, who you are— many of us can probably identify with this better— when you're stressed, you need to have a place to go to. And what do I mean by that? Who you are when you're pressed, who you are when you're stressed, is an indication of probably something that you need to intentionally access in your life before you're pressed. You're bringing a version of yourself to a situation, to a conversation that was probably needed before you got there. One of the things that I do when I'm stressed or when I'm pressed is, um, there, there are 3 things you're gonna get from me when I'm stressed out. Number 1 is I slow down. I become very intentional with my words. And my tonation is lower and more even because I wanna make sure that if I'm talking to my children, if I'm talking to, uh, volunteer, if I'm talking to somebody I'm working with, I wanna make sure they're hearing me. My mother used to do this, probably inherited it from her. But that probably means that before we got to that hard moment, I probably needed to slow down, speak clearly, and, um, at a pace in which to make sure they're hearing me and they understand. Another version of me when I'm stressed or when I'm pressed is I'm getting all my feelings out because you're finally letting me talk, and I just need to tell you exactly how I feel and what's going on. That probably means that before I got to that moment, I needed to say how I felt. I needed to say, can you listen for just a moment? I need to work through my feelings. I need to work through what's happening in my mind and in my heart. That could be a friend, that could be a counselor, that could be a therapist, that could be a on a date night with your husband. But if when you're pressed and stressed all the words come out, then that means you probably needed to process a little bit before you got there. The third version of me when I'm pressed or stressed is that I shut down, which means before I was pressed and stressed, I may have needed to take a nap, I may have needed time alone. Because I just can't with you right now. I can't. So I just shut down. So the thing is to look at who you become when you're pressed or stressed, because that is an indication of what is needed in order for you to defuse the pressure. But you don't have to wait for the top to blow, for the pressure to build up and threaten to break things. Before you morph into what is needed in that moment. So the thing is, it's to know that the teapot is about to boil and take it off before it actually does. You don't have to wait for the teapot to whistle before you know that the water is hot. What I want you to do— so why so many of the things that we do in the Inner Circle are about you paying attention to your life, and I talk about this all the time, is because we typically do not We don't. We are so focused on the mountaintop. We're so focused on where we're going. We're so focused on our list of things to do. We're not paying attention, not just to the journey, but who we are on the journey, how we're doing on the journey, what we're seeing on the journey, what we're learning on the journey, and looking at the tools we're supposed to pick up on the way. Paying attention to who you are when you don't like what comes out of you, or you don't like who you become in that moment, paying paying attention to that and learning for that— from that is key. You are every version of yourself, every single one. The version of yourself that you like when you're happy, the version of yourself you don't like when you're stressed, the version of yourself you don't like when you're angry, the version of yourself that you really like when you're accomplishing things or when you're being kind to people or when you are making memories that you want to have last forever. You are all of those things. And when you say, "That's not even me," oh no, it is. It's just a version of you that you may not have accepted yet, adopted yet, or recognized yet. It's all you. So the thing is, who are you when you're pressed and when you're stressed and recognizing that that's you too? So how can you not be that version of you if you don't like it? It probably means that some of what comes out in those moments is something you need. Before the moment arrives. What do you need? This is a question that we ask little children when a baby's crying or a toddler is crying and we don't know why. They've worked themselves into a hizzy or to a tizzy, and we bring them close and we say, "It's okay, everything's okay. What's wrong? What do you need?" What's going on? What's wrong? What, what is bothering you? Are you okay? If a little 2-year-old just starts crying, what's wrong? Are you okay? What happened to you? What do you need? We immediately know that the answer to the problem is to find out what they need. What has happened to them? What do they want? And somehow as adults, we don't give ourselves that freedom to say, what do you need? So I'm in the middle of, um, three-quarters of the way through, um, cuz I read a lot of it when I traveled to Europe, the book by Oprah, um, What Happened to You. And she wrote that in concert with someone else who I'll pull his name up, but I mean, Oprah's really all you need to find it on, um, Amazon. But it is What Happened to You. And the whole premise, it's a, it's a pretty heady book. Um, there are moments of lucidity. Uh, where you're like, okay, tell me a story. Because it's her being her along with, um, uh, Dr. Bruce Perry. And he says we have to ask ourselves what happened to us, what do we need, what did you need that you didn't get. Now I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a psychotherapist, I'm not even going to pretend to go down that road, but what I am saying is that you need to be fully observant of who you are when you're happy and when you're not, when you are excited or when you're— the kind of adrenaline is flowing because you're frightened, scared, and frustrated, angry. All of that is you. And if there is a part of what you see that you don't like, okay, then you get to decide, how, how do I want to be? If there are parts of you that come to the service and you're like, I don't even know why I get like that, then you need to ask yourself the question, what happened? What happened? This is a question you can ask yourself. What happened to me? How did I get here? If I am very, very, very frustrated with my husband, if I'm very, very angry with my husband, if he says one little thing and I fly off the handle, what happened to me? What do I need? What expectation did I have that didn't get met? Examining why you become who you become, why you say what you say, why you feel what you feel, that is— and this is what I want to major on— that is your job. It is your job to know you. It is wonderful when other people know you. It is wonderful when your husband knows you, or your kids know you, or your sister knows you. It is wonderful for you to know that God knows you. But the beautiful thing happens when you know you. When you pick up cues from the people who are around you, the things that people always say that maybe you didn't know, and then you start to realize, okay, maybe I am like that, or maybe I'm presenting like that. What if, as God reveals who you are as you get to know him. And you're like, wow, I didn't even see I was like that. Because as you get to know God, he's going to shine a light on your sin, the parts of your personality, um, that are not in line with his design for you. You're going to come to know more and more about yourself as you get older, just because time will help you. But you knowing who you are and knowing what you want and knowing where you want to go Even if it's to Santorini in Greece or Venice or Australia or New Zealand or Thailand or the Poconos, knowing where you wanna go, who you wanna be, is where the magic happens. So knowing where you're pressed and where you're stressed is one major way that I wanted to focus on talking to you about today, because that's the place we don't normally want to go to. We'll journal all day long. We'll talk to our friends about what's happening in our lives. We may think about what we want on another job. We'll think about what's right in front of us, but but we really aren't surveying the land for the things that come up on us that we really don't want to think about or don't want to talk about. But that's a part of you, and it's a part of the environment of you. So if you're out in the woods, right, and you're walking along and you are enjoying the view in front of you, you would be a fool not to every now and then turn to the right or turn to the left and notice what's around you, to be aware of your surroundings. You'd full if you never every now and then looked over your shoulder, if you didn't have at least one earbud out while you walk, because you need to be aware of your surroundings. Why? Because your journey is impacted not just about the steps that you take, but the environment that you're in. And knowing what's coming teaches you who you need to be. Think about a deer. If you've ever seen a deer on the road as you drive through a more rural area, or maybe you live in an area where there are deer around, they are always even head down, attuned to their environment, because their health and wellness depends on what the environment is telling them is coming. Who you are is who you are when you're not just aware of what you need in the moment, but what's happening around you and who you need to be to be prepared for the moments that you don't expect to come. I would run and train for the marathon at White Rock Lake in Dallas, and when I did that, of course you know, I'm running with a group. I don't run without music. One day I'm going to graduate and be able to run without music. Right now I need the music to motivate me. I need the music to keep me on tempo. I need the music to keep me excited about moving, to distract me. This is the case for spin as well. But I've always been told, don't run with your earbuds in, but at the very least take out one. Why? Because you need to be aware of your surroundings. You need to hear if somebody's running up on you, because you need to know what version of yourself you need to be on that part of the journey. You need to know if you need to run faster. You need to know if you need to be prepared to turn around to use that mace. You need to know, right? So even if you're running in a group, being aware— if you're running on the side of the road— of that a car is coming That is a part of you being you. And you may be intent on what you're doing and intent on the moment and intent on the rhythm, but if you're not also intent of who you need to become when danger is coming, then you're not fully inhabiting your experience. And I would tell you that you're not fully inhabiting your experience if you're not aware of all parts of who you are, who you need to be, and who you need to be prepared to be. In a situation that's coming. You got to know yourself. You got to know that if you go out to dinner and if you know for sure that you are a bread and butter person, you need to know who you are, that you'll turn into a person that eats all the bread and all the butter and then later regrets it. Knowing that about yourself allows you to go to the table and forethink that experience and tell the waiter, don't even bring the bread to the table. Who are you when you're pressed? Who are you when you are at your weakest? Who are you when you, uh, are in deep need of something you're not getting? That part of you needs your attention. Why? Because you can backwards engineer some of that stuff into who you are every day. And maybe some of those moments won't matter because you can be prepared. So when those moments happen, when you call your mom or you call your sister, or you're in a family function, or you are in a group of friends and there's a dynamic with those friends that you don't like, you just have to be prepared so you don't pop off and then become someone you didn't mean to be. Knowing who you are when you typically are at your worst is just as powerful as knowing who you are when you would typically be at your best. If you can walk into any room and know who you are and know who you'll be when you're pressed before you get there, you can bring her to the table. I just recently gave some counsel to a young woman in my life who is amazing, brilliant, hardworking, and smart. But I saw her engaging with some other people, and I told her, you are very smart, you have a lot of knowledge, you have all the answers, but one of the best things that you can do in working with a group and working with the team and working with other people is not to be the woman with all the answers, because then people will interpret that, why do you need us? You're the team. If you want to inspire team, talk less and ask more questions. When she's pressed, when there's any kind of conflict, she just starts solving the problem. She just starts solving the problem. I said lead with a succinct, concise problem solving, and then open the door for everyone else to give input. But to solve the problem after the fact, where no one else has room to speak into things, you're not building team. And team is what you want, right? So who you are when you're pressed is just to share everything. Everybody doesn't need to know everything. Share what you know, concise, leave room for everybody else. You gotta know who you become in certain circumstances because then you can embody— I'm every woman. Do you remember that song by Whitney Houston? I'm every woman. One of the reasons why I love wearing Converse, y'all, is because I'm able to be all of me no matter what I'm wearing. I wore a dress to church yesterday, and I know good and well I don't want to be, uh, uncomfortable. So I can wear the most pretty dress because this is something I enjoy, with some Converse that keep me comfortable. You can bring the things that seem mismatched to other people into the places where you are cohesively yourself. This is one of the things you hear people talking about. It sounds all, ooh, very new agey and all that, but knowing who you're going to become when your nerves start flowing, when the adrenaline starts rushing through your system, and deciding how you're going to handle that, how you're going to bridle that, how you're going to set that free, makes you free to fully be you. And you in your own fullness is very powerful. It's very powerful for me to go to conversations and know that I have the answer and to restrain myself from giving it because I know when I'm hearing everybody waffle around and trying to figure things out, I just wanna tell 'em what to do. But what I also want is to build team. I wanna build community. I wanna build great family. I want my sons to have to figure some things out. I want there to be a collaborative atmosphere everywhere I go. And because I know when I'm pressed, I just start solving problems. There's a time and a place for me to do that, but there's a bigger need for me to be the cheerleader for other people to solve problems so that people develop and that they grow, that my kids figure some things out. So what that means is I know that, so I restrain. I ask questions. I stand back because what I'm trying to build doesn't need that version of me to lead first, but to know that I have the answer and to let everybody else figure it out. You know, silence is powerful. Quiet can be very powerful. I don't have to lead with what I would normally do given pressing circumstances. And I need you to bring all of who you are to everything that you do, but you get to choose how much of you, you put into the atmosphere when you show up. Sometimes it's the opposite that's true. The fullness of you comes into the boardroom and speaks up at the table because you only will speak up when nobody else has given the right answer. But you really don't wanna speak up because you don't wanna break the ice and you don't wanna be the person who's disturbing the balance of power. No, disturb the balance of power. If you have the answer, know you have the answer and know you'll only be, be giving it when you're pressed. Why are you waiting? Bring the answer to the front of the room, to the beginning of the conversation. Let them see who you are. How do you know? It depends on what you want the outcome to be. I'm raising children. I need the outcome to be that they are problem solvers, that they can think on their feet, that they can figure out things when I'm not there. Why? Because I'm working myself out of a job. At church, I want to empower and, and encourage other women to lead. What that means is letting them figure some things out, because if I nickel and dime and criticize every little thing, I will downplay the, the power that they're beginning to utilize. So If it doesn't matter, I let it go. You gotta know what the outcome is that you seek. And this takes time to learn. Sometimes good enough is good enough and you release it. Sometimes it needs to be right. If you are, as I am often, the executive editor, editor-in-chief of the content that we put out into the world or the content that we share on video or audio and Sometimes I let things go. Maybe that's not the social clip I would've chosen, or I would've made a cut somewhere else. And sometimes I get into Frame.io, which is where often we upload videos, and I add my two cents about the cuts that we need. Knowing when to bring it and when to withhold it, knowing when to step in loud and hold back quietly, knowing when to run faster and when to stand your ground. This is the art of being you, and the only person that can master this art is you. But one of the things I think we look towards often is who do we want to be when we're our best? And I think we often neglect who do we want to be when we're our worst. Who are you? When you're at your worst? Because what that's telling you is that it takes you being at your worst to see parts of you that need attention. Who are you when you're the 2-year-old that needs attention? What makes you cry? What brings you to your knees? What makes you more of what you don't want to be? That version of you needs nurture too. And if they don't have the needs being met, what do they do? They stand their ground, they raise their voice, they draw a line in the sand and says, no, you will listen to me today. Well, that version of you can come out a little earlier before you're out of control, before you're losing your mind, before you don't have a handle on your capacities, particularly emotional. Knowing what happens to you, what you need, what you want, it's a, it's a journey. It's a part of the journey. But don't forget to look under the hood at the things that never get your attention, because those things matter too. I just had to replace the catalytic converter on my car. My little car, y'all, it might be nearing the end. I, I have definitely at this juncture spent car payment money for the year on my car. First, we had a small engine rebuild last year, that was within the last 12 months, and this year I've had to do a couple of major things and again replace that catalytic converter, and I think I might need to replace the second one., but it's not immediately necessary, so we're gonna hold off. But I finally told my husband, okay, it's time for me to start looking for a car. I know what I want, but I can't get it. The Bronco, I think I want a yellow Bronco. It's called Cyber Orange. That's the color I want, but they discontinued that color in 2023. Now they have some Mellow Yellow color. I want the Cyber Orange, so I'd have to get it used. But right now, cars are inflated. Even used cars are stupid. People are paying $10,000, $20,000, $30,000 above the asking price for used Broncos. No thank you. So that's not going to be my car. And even if I were to order one, y'all, it takes a year to get. So I don't know. I don't know. I want something fun, lively, and exciting. But the truth is, I really don't want to buy a car. I enjoy driving my minivan. I know it. It knows me. I know all of its quirks. I know all of its things. I know what it sounds like when it's healthy. I know what it sounds like when it's not. I like driving my minivan. I love the space in the back. I love all the things. It's paid for. With its 195,000 miles, but it's telling me who it is when it's not on its best behavior, because I've had to keep taking it to the shop. And she's trying to tell me, Mama, I know you love me, but I'm going to require a little more of you, so you might want to start paying attention to what you need. She's telling me to pay attention to her. She's telling me she's getting older. She's telling me she needs some TLC. And I can keep ignoring that and driving her into the ground, not getting her fixed. I can ignore the signs. I can ignore the knocking in the engine or the code that the dealership tells me they're reading. I can ignore those things, but eventually she will come a-calling and just stop working. When your car starts telling you something's going on, it behooves you to listen. And to give your car what he or she needs before she shuts down on you. She's typically telling you what she needs before she shuts down. Your life is constantly telling you what you need before you shut down, before the tears are shed, before you're angry and upset, before you yell at the top of your lungs, before you talk a million miles a minute, before your emotions get the best of you. And even when there's some major change needed, when you need to swap out a job, swap out a relationship, go to a new location, try a new ministry— before you need to actually do new things, the way things are, they're letting you know. My hope is that in fixing my car and dealing with the engine and fixing the engine, the major fix that we had to make, and also replacing the catalytic converter, my hope is that she will tarry a little longer. Because I have met her need and done what she needed to do. And I need you to know that before you change jobs, before you change husbands, before you change locations, before you change schools, before you change directions, I want you to pay attention to what you currently have your hands on. And is it telling you what it needs? Is it telling you what you need to do in order to make sure that relationship or that situation is healthier? Doesn't mean that you don't need to make major changes, but you can listen to your life just the way, the way you listen to your engine and find out what you need before things shut down. What do you need? What shows up when you are pressed? Use that as an indication of what you need. Do you need someone to hear you? Do you need to process your emotion? Do you need people to respect your boundaries? What do you need? Do you need to do less? Do you need to do more? What do you need? Be honest and look for the hint in what comes out when you're pressed. I hope this has been helpful to you.. And if it has been, I'd love for you to tell me in the comments, what do you realize that you need? Starting out with honesty with yourself is always the place to start. All right, y'all, talk soon. Take care, and I'll see you next week.