The Art of Saying No

Hi, my name is Chrystal Evans Hurst, and if you've never run into me before, I want you to know that I take it really seriously to come on social media and to share practical help to help you live your life well. And today I want to talk about the art of saying no. Everybody needs to know how to give a no, and the truth is that for some of us it's an art that we need to learn. Why? Because we give out too many yeses. And what I want to do today is to give you some practical examples and illustrations and words to encompass your no. So maybe you can feel better about saying it. Maybe I can give you some different ways that you can say it so that you feel a little better about putting it out there. Maybe make sure that when you say no, people can actually hear you, because apparently if they heard you the first time, they wouldn't have asked you again. There's all kinds of reasons that we need help. Maybe you're a people pleaser. Maybe you really do want to, uh, give as much as you can to help other people out in their time of need. Maybe you really do want to contribute in a way that your time really doesn't allow, and so you struggle to say no. But here's what you need to understand: No is a tool. It is a tool that helps to ensure that your yeses land where they really should, that your yeses are given to the places that really do matter. And if you never say no, and if you give away yeses all the time, here's what I can guarantee you. I can guarantee you that you will not give away the yeses to the places that matter most. We all have 24 hours in a day. We all have limits and boundaries on our time. And if you don't have the habit of saying no and saying no regularly, you will find that you are never saying yes to the places that matter most. Well, I probably shouldn't say never, but you may look at your life and go, "I said yes and I shouldn't have." Have you ever had that feeling? I have too. So there is an art to saying no and you can say no. And so we're going to talk about exactly how you do that. First of all, I want to start with why you need to say no. Let's start with why and let's practice. No, no, no. Just practice. Just move your mouth, put it into the form. No. Okay, we're gonna keep practicing that because no is a complete sentence. But why would you wanna give a no? See, some of y'all right now, I can already feel it. You're already like, Who's struggling with this? I don't struggle with this. Well then, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the people, and it's most of us, that struggle with saying no, especially when we wanna say yes. So why? Why would you say no when you want to say yes? Well, first of all, your nos make room for your yeses, okay? Your nos make room for your yeses. If you don't say no, you won't grow, you won't give, you won't live. Ah, I think I just made that up. That was great. I should write that down. Say no. If you say no, you can't grow. Think about what needs are required or demanded by plants that want to grow. If they're crowded out, they don't have room for their roots to stretch and to get longer and to take in more nutrients. There has to be space. Literally, if you don't say no, you don't have the space to grow into who you're supposed to be, to do the things that you're supposed to do, and to become the person that you're supposed to be. Because we are limited creatures. We are limited by time, we are limited by space, and your nos leave room for your yeses. Your yeses require your growth. Your yeses require your development. Your yeses require space and time to hear God speak to you, to know what he would have you to do with this very present day right here. So without nos, you don't have room to grow, room to receive, room to even believe that what God has for you today or tomorrow or next week is actually for you. You'll just keep giving out yeses because they're easy instead of giving out nos and waiting, which is hard sometimes. For what God has next for you. When you say no, it creates room in your life. It creates bandwidth and downtime for you to focus on the things that you've already said yes to. How many times have you said yes and you had already put too many yeses out there, and then all of your yeses you couldn't do well? No allows you, you to have room for the yeses that you really need to give and to finish well the yeses you've already given. Saying no is the act of denying yourself of what what you want now for what you will want more later. No is a tool. All right, so we talked about the why of you saying no. Now I want to give you the principle of saying no in the spirit of a yes. Did you know that that was a thing? You can say no with the spirit of a yes. So let me give you some examples. First of all, positivity is important, and when you are positive with your no, The people that you said no to, they may not even realize that you said no. Let's think about it for a second. Chick-fil-A, if they ever say no, which they rarely do, but 'cause they normally just say, "My pleasure, my pleasure." They don't say it like that. They say, "My pleasure." And they're all positive and they're excitable and they're happy to serve. And even if they have to say, "I'm so sorry, we're out of fries." which they better not ever say that to me. But if they say that, we're sorry, we're out of fries, but you know what? We're so sorry, but we're sure that when you come back the next time, we'll be ready for you then. Or, you know, look at, check your app. We've got an extra little goodie for you because you missed the fries this time. I mean, I don't know. Chick-fil-A will fix it just like Jesus will fix it. Chick-fil-A will fix it. And whenever they have to put boundaries, when they close, Sundays, we love y'all, but we not here on Sundays. No, but with a spirit of a yes, all the other days that we're open, we are here to serve you. That Chick-fil-A spirit is the no with the spirit of the yes, that when you can do it, you will. And when you can't do it, you're still really for your person, your customer, your friend, your ministry partner, your parent, you're pro them. So that's the second thing. Not only do you want to be positive,, but you wanna be pro-people. Even if you have to say no to what a person is asking you to do, you can always communicate in a way that lets that person know that you are for them and for what they're about. You just may not be able to participate in the way that they're asking you to participate this time. And when people don't like your no, they will so appreciate your yes to them, about them, even if you had to say no. To the thing or the task that they ask you to participate in. So the first thing is be positive. Think my pleasure, think Chick-fil-A. The second thing is to be pro-people, because being pro-people will always leave a good taste in someone's mouth when you have to say no. And the third thing is, if you are a people pleaser, know that when you say no in the spirit of a yes, that that no still can bring you peace because you were nice about it. No, but I wish I could. No, but I think you're awesome. No, but this is going to be great. You are still able to serve people and to support people in your no with your spirit of a yes. So now that we've talked about why your nos matter, they leave room for all the important stuff in your life. And now that we've talked about the principle of a no in the spirit of a yes, be positive, be pro-people, and know that even when you're a people pleaser, your no in the spirit of a yes can bring peace. Now I want to give you some examples of how to say no. So if you struggle with how to say no, then you need to get a piece of paper and a pen or pencil, or maybe type on your phone and your notes or whatever you have while you're watching, because I want to just give you some tips for how to say it. When I was in high school, I mean, don't tell anybody, but when I was in high school, if I had to have a conversation with a boy on the phone and I just did not think I could get through it, and say what I knew I needed to say to break up with them or to ask them questions or whatever, I would write my stuff down on 3x5 cards. I would literally have my phone— landline for the win— I would have my phone and I would look at my 3x5 card and I would read it because I just knew that in the moment I would be a little shaky and I may not be able to stand my ground. There is no shame in having some scripts for you to use to say no. Your nos are that important. Even if you have to script them and practice them, if you know you need to give a no, then you have no excuse. See what I just did there? Okay. So here are the nos. Now there are 3 categories for the nos that I'd like to share with you. First of all, we have the not right now no. And let me tell you about that no. This is a no you give when you actually don't mind doing it, but you can't do it right now. So here are some examples. I'm not available today, but maybe another date. So you're saying no, can't do it right now, but you are leaving room for them to ask you another time. Okay, here's another one. As much as I would love to say yes, I'm already committed for that day. So what you're doing is saying my no is conditional to the date that you asked me to do it. Had you asked me to do it another day, I might've said yes. So this is a not right now no. It's no right now, but it's not no every single time you'll ask me. Okay, here's yet another example. I'm so sorry, my schedule is already booked that day. If something changes, I'll let you know. Do you see how I gave him a no, but the spirit of the yes was if something changes, you'll be the first to know. Maybe not the first, maybe not even the second, maybe I'll think about it, but I still left you with hope, right? I still left you with hope that I'm pro-you and I'm pro-what you're asking me to do. This is my favorite. I wish I could say yes, but I can't say yes this time. I love it. You're telling them, I really want to, that's your yes, but I can't do it this time, that's my no. But what they heard you say is, I am excited about what you're doing, I really want to be a part, I just can't right now. So when you say, I wish I could, but I can't this time, you can also follow it up with "but thank you so much for inviting me. Maybe next time?" You see, you can say no, not right now, and leave them with hope that maybe you can do it another time. But don't do that if you really don't want to leave them with hope. So that leads me to my second area of nos, nice nos. Nice nos are when you don't want to do it. You just don't want to do it. So you don't want to leave them with the hope that at another time they might get another answer. So this requires another set of responses. Here's one. Unfortunately, I'm not available to help, but have you asked Susie Q? Now, I didn't say I could do it later. I didn't say I'm going to do it ever. What I did is say, here's my no, I can't do it. But here's my yes. Here's someone else. Let me find someone else for you. I actually do that with speaking engagements. I will say, hey, listen, no, I'm not available on that date. I'm so sorry I can't be with you at your event. However, do you have speakers, other speakers in mind? If you don't, I'd be happy to recommend some of my favorites and just, you know, maybe they can join you at your event. I can't do it, but I know somebody else who can. And 9 times out of 10, people may not even take you up on that offer. They really wanted you, but the fact that you offered to give them an alternative, that goes a long way to let people know that you are for whatever matters to them. Here's another one: Wow, that sounds like such an amazing opportunity. I'm so sorry I can't participate, but you know what? I am praying for you. As a matter of fact, can I pray for you right now? That may be corny depending on the situation, but you can always pray for somebody, and you can always say, wow, that sounds amazing. I'm so sorry I can't do it this time, but I believe in what you're doing, and I definitely— I want you to know you can count on my prayers. And I didn't say later. I didn't say tomorrow. I didn't say ever. I said, no, no, no, but I'm going to pray for you. And when you say it, don't just say, I'm going to pray for you. Like actually pray. Like even after you turn away, if you have to pray in the 5 seconds as you walk the other way, like, you know, you should pray if you tell them you're going to pray. Okay. Here's the third one. I'm so honored that you thought of me. I mean, really I am, but I'm going to have to respectfully decline. No out, no back door, nothing. I didn't leave him a hook of any kind. No. Okay. Here's what you say if you need to be clear. That sounds wonderful. I'm actually sure you're going to have a great time, but I have to be honest. That's really not my thing. Shut the back door. Did you hear me shut the door? But did you hear me slide in there with all the yeses and I think you're great and this is wonderful, this is amazing? It's not for me. Super simple. Here's my last one. I'm not going to be able to commit at this time. Thanks for asking. All right. Now we've talked about your not right now nos. We've talked about your nice nos. Here's the last category, because like I said before, no is a complete sentence. This is your no-no, like no double no, like no bold underscore, uh, header size 1, uh, upsized potential super large font, hear me loud and clear, I love you, but no. So here we go. Ah, I can't commit. The end. Boop boop. Here's another one. Oh, that's not gonna work for me. And if you don't need to say it with all the smiles because you're not a Southern belle, then don't. Mm, that's not gonna work for me. That just felt like an executive note. Like I'm sitting at the conference table with a bunch of people that all think that I should do what they're asking me to do, but I know who I am and I know that I bring value to the table and I know that that I have to reserve my best for something and what they're asking me to do isn't my best. And I know that, and I'm confident in who I am. Yeah, I hear what you're saying, but that's not going to work for me. Ooh, hey, y'all don't know about the conference table, do you? Do you? All right, here's my last one. And this is my last one of the no-nos. Are you ready? You ready to hear it? You ready to hear it? Here it go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is sometimes how you have to look people in the face who don't think you're serious, because all the time in your life that you've been saying yes and no problem, and then you've been killing yourself showing up for all the things. Sometimes some of the people just need you to look them dead in their face and say no. All right, y'all, there you have it. It's the art of saying no. You have your not right now no, you have your nice no, and you have your no no. Always remember that when you can, give your no in the spirit of the yes. Be positive, be pro-people, and have peace even if you're a people pleaser. And why are we saying no? Because you only have room for a certain amount of yeses, and if you say yes to everything, then you won't do anything in your life that really matters to you. So after listening to this video, here's the question that I want you to answer in the comments: Who do you need to say no to? What do you need to say no to? And out of all the ideas that I gave you for saying no, for how to say no, which one resonated the most with you? I'd love for you to share in the comments. And then if this video has been helpful to you, I'd love for you to share it with somebody else that may need to learn about the art of saying no. See you next week. Now let me figure out what I need to say no to so I can keep doing all these doggone videos. Hmm. No. No, I gotta sleep. No, no, I have to see my husband. I gotta take care of my children. Hmm. No, I gotta work. Hmm! Okay— no to TV... Hmm? Yeah, I can't leave that Bible study not this time. No-no-no-no-no! Nono-nononono! NOO-NOOO-OH! Nooo-oohhh!