The Sister Circle Show: Staying Awake Emotionally (Recorded Live!)

conversation, and then we realized that, that y'all couldn't see us. So for those of you who have been trying to tune in, we're here. Thank you for joining the Sister Circle Show on YouTube in a different format over the summer. We're going to try some new things, and, um, Shandrea, we'll rewind a little bit and kind of recap some things that we, that we shared. So for those of you who are like, what am I looking at? This is Chrystal Hurst. This is my YouTube channel. And because I like to try new things just for the sake of trying new things, why not try YouTube Live? I'm here with my friend Shandria Riddick. We've known each other for 20 years.

Don't say that out loud. Oh my God.

20 years. Jesus, be offense. But anyway.

Wow.

Wow. So because we've known each other for 20 years, I happen to know a few things about her. If you listen to my podcast, you may already know that she's joined me on the podcast a couple of times now. And the last time she was on, we talked about the truth about your emotions. And because you guys really loved that episode, I decided to do this new opportunity to talk to you guys with Shandria. Plus, Shandria just knows I'm crazy. She's like, what are you doing now? What are you doing now? I also want to let you guys know that the chat is open. So this is new to me too. So you are my inaugural group of YouTube livers. And as we continue our conversation, if you have questions, please be sure and put them there because we'd love to be able to answer them as we go. Can you see the questions, Shandria, too?

No, I can't see them.

I'll have to repeat them for you. Okay, so that's fine. So what I had asked Shandria, and I want her to repeat this I think it's really good because I've known Shandria for 20 years. I happen to know a few things. One of those is that, you know, she has recently her first baby boy who she raised and prayed for and we all prayed for, he has now released into his next season of life. And one of the challenges of overcoming or working through emotions is articulating them. And so I wanted Shandria just to take a minute and describe how you feel as a mother who prayed for the boy and begged God for the boy?

Yes, I did.

Yes. Did God get— and then now you have to release the boy. So words, articulation.

Um, I can say mixed. There's not one dominant emotion. I can say mixed. Um, proud that he's worked so hard to go where he's going. That he set a goal and made it. Very proud of that. A little scared that he is out on his own and, you know, have to be left to his own decision-making, which I have— I hope he and his dad and I, we've equipped him for that and we've taught him how to make decisions and how to frame life situations and perspectives. And so yeah, just a little bit hesitant, a little bit anxious about that. Sad, missing his presence. Oh my gosh, just missing his presence. We have food in the pantry. Laundry is not bad. That scent of a teenage boy working out, we don't have that in the house. But we really, really miss him. So it's just a mixture of things. But mostly, we're proud, sad. We want to see him. We want to hear his voice. And anxious. But, um, the, the— I think the most important thing I did, let me tell you, the day before I let him go, he was asleep in his room. He don't even know what happened. I prayed over him so hard.

Look, break out the oil, honey.

Look, you don't even know. I prayed over that boy and, um, asked the Lord to cover, protect him, put his hedge of protection around him, um, and just, and just say, Lord, you, you have him, he's yours, you know, and just ask the Lord to be with him. But Yeah, it's a mixture. Some days it's great, some days, you know, it's hard, but it's that transition. Yeah.

Well, I think that, you know, when we— when we— I mean, you're laughing and then you've had moments where you're crying. But the idea of emotions— I just had a birthday, so, you know, I'm all in my emotions about that. And I turned 27 again. And the reality is, is I don't have a problem with my age at all. But the, but the reason why I picked 27, and I always joke about it, but there's a reason for it. I just randomly picked the number is because at that age, while I changed a lot, my late teens and a lot in my 20s and have changed since then, it's been more of a refining and a polishing about that. It's kind of like I was who I was and that's the age where like life clicked for me. So I had some things to figure out, but I was figuring them out from a sane non-nutsy place, if that makes any sense.

Yeah. Yeah.

I've just been getting better from that point is how I feel like it, you know, challenges and all that, but I can reference that point. And so, you know, the number keeps going up though. And as the number keeps going up, then you start thinking about time and what you have or haven't done.

Yes.

I think about the distance between that age and 27. I think about, um, I think about what am I going to do with the time I have left? Have I really lived? And so on a day— and I'm that person who sits with their journal open looking into the rising sun. Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

I'm that person. So I had a lot of emotions and journaled a lot of those. But I found myself— I was away for the weekend with my mom. And because I had the space to think, and to feel. I don't know if I had feelings like, you know, like I was crying, but I certainly had feelings that I would have only been able to be in touch with had I been still. That is so random, but it'll tie in. When I get in the shower— in fact, I haven't used them yet, but I bought this thing called Aqua Notes. Because I have my best ideas in the shower and then I find it so hard to remember them. And then I get out of the shower and I'm tripping over myself trying to get to my phone. And then it's like, there were 4 things, but I can only remember 2. That might be a symptom of my age as well.

Yes.

But Aqua Notes, you can stick it to the wall and then write things down while you're showering. But it's the same idea when you're still, things in you go to work. Okay. Um, you also know that I struggle with head and heart. Sometimes I'm talking out of my head and out of my heart. I'm saying all that to ask you this question because I really want to be practical. And again, uh, those of you who are watching, if you have questions, feel free to drop a question in the chat. We want to— I got plenty. I can talk to Shandria for hours. Okay, so let's just establish that. But I want to make sure I'm helpful to you all, so feel free to drop, uh, your comments in the— or your questions in the chat box. So Since so many people— this is just my anecdotal observation— since so many people struggle with either being in touch with their emotions, articulating their emotions, um, identifying them, understanding them, do you think some of that is symptomatic of making room to actually embrace them? Because I don't feel the same way I feel when I'm moving. It's when I slow down that my stuff, I can see it clearer. Do you think that a part of our problem with identifying and dealing with emotions is being still enough to even see them?

Yeah, I do. I think a lot of times we are so often busy throughout our days that we don't even think about how we're feeling. It never dawns on, dawn on us that we're carrying around different situations in our life or different concerns. Throughout the course of the day, like we just talked about me, you know, missing my son, that may affect how, you know, I'm thinking about him while I'm driving because I'm still. But the emotions of sadness and missing him may impact how I relate to my children. I may be a little bit more fussy or a little bit more irritable or want to have more time alone. But I really don't think about that in the middle of me telling my son to go sit down because you're making too much noise because I'm moving. But once I'm by myself and it's still, I can say, man, I miss Joshua. You know what I mean? But I think most of the time it's because we do have a lot going on and we are not in touch with what's happening physiologically or emotionally. We're just not because we're too busy. So yes, I completely agree.

Yeah. So, Miss Therapist.

Yes.

Do you— so if that's the reason why we struggle to connect with it, Do you feel as though it's important to make space, or is making space, is being in your feelings a bad thing? Because, you know, the opposite side is you, you're operating too much out of your feelings and you can't function in real life. So do you feel like it's— that's a problem? Like, if somebody can't remember the last time they had a good cry, if somebody can't remember the last time they really felt unadulterated joy, if they can't remember the last time they really could say 'Cause sometimes my sister, Priscilla, she— Priscilla will say to me, well, how do you feel about that? I'm actually irritated when she asks me that, actually. I'm like, I don't have time. I mean, I don't want to think about how I feel about it. I'm trying to get through it.

But that doesn't mean you're not emoting about it. That's the thing. Just because we're not dealing with it, or if someone says, well, I really don't want to think about that, that doesn't mean— thinking is one thing, but emoting is a completely different situation. So like you said, your head and your heart, you have to kind of line up. Just because you're not walking around emoting all the time doesn't mean that it's not in you, or you're not thinking about it doesn't mean you're not feeling it. So I may not be thinking about Joshua, but I'm still feeling the sadness of him not being around. I'm still feeling that. I'm still walking around with that inside of me, whether I want to talk about it, whether I want to discuss my feelings with, you know, you or Priscilla or whoever. I don't— just because I don't want to talk about it doesn't mean I'm not feeling it. So a lot of us have a lot of things we're walking around with. Childhood hurt. We got fired from a job. That we didn't get over. We have friendships that didn't end well. Um, we have relationships that didn't end well. We have issues in our marriages, and we walk around with those, and it affects us emotionally. But just because we're not talking about it doesn't mean it's not— we're not feeling it.

So do you make— okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I'm lost. Because when I say I don't want to talk about it, I think that is my code for If I talk— if I think about it, that means I will have to make the space to feel it, and I don't want to feel it.

Yeah, I get that, but that doesn't mean it's not there. It means you're not bringing it up to the surface to talk about. It's still there. Okay, you're just not going to talk.

Let's clarify then. Does having a healthy emotional life mean making the space to acknowledge they're there or making the space to bring them to the surface?

Making the space to bring them to the surface and deal with it doesn't mean it's bad that you have— that you're angry. You have to deal with your anger because whether you deal with it or not, you're angry. So it is emotionally healthy to bring it to the surface, to talk about it, to process through it, and forgive or walk away or resolve it or whatever you need to do, um, in order to, to keep going and be healthy. Because if it goes unresolved, it affects you in many areas of your life.

You know what? That's good for me because I think I'm going to change my language. And I think instead of telling— because again, we're talking about my sister— if I, instead of telling her I don't want to talk about it, which sounds like I don't want to talk about it with you, maybe what I'm going to say is, you know what? I don't want to bring that. I don't want to give that a front seat right now.

That's great.

Because that is about the issue and not about me wanting to talk to you about it. It's about me bringing it to the front seat in my vehicle. And I can't have that in the passenger seat right now. I'm trying to get somewhere. So I think I'm going to change my life. Okay, so practical, because I'm all about how to do it. What does it mean? What does it look like for me to bring it to the surface? Now, my thing is, okay, when I was writing She's Still There, there was a lot of stuff I hadn't thought a lot about, hadn't surfaced, hadn't processed, hadn't read those journals, may not have even written about it in a journal. So I was literally thinking, I want to be useful to people. This is not going to be useful, and this is not even going to be a book that I want to read if I don't tell the truth, right? Can I tell the truth? Because did I ever look at it on the surface to be able— because you got to hold something in your hand to be able to examine really what it looks like. So I'll go to Starbucks And there's something about Starbucks, that back corner table, one, it has a plug. Two, you know, I'd be mad. I'd get there at 5:03 and somebody be sitting there. I'd be like, hello, my table. The environment is busy enough, but not just too distracting. I'd plug in my headphones, had a couple of playlists on Spotify. And here's what's interesting to me. It would take a minute. Like, I couldn't just do all those things. And then pour out my feelings. I'd have to write a little bit, and it was almost like diving. You don't go straight to the depth of the ocean. You have to pass through some layers first.

Right, right.

And so I would say, I would tell my husband, if I really want to get 3 hours of writing done, then I need to have 5 hours at Starbucks, because I need to have the space to meander to that place. Okay, so that's me as a writer. What does it look like for the everyday girl, the everyday person who says, you know what, I know there's some stuff I haven't, I haven't dealt with. Maybe I don't even know what it is, but I can see how it's affecting my life. I can see that it's affecting how I talk to the people that I love. It's affecting my stress levels. Maybe I didn't realize it, but it's affecting my health. What does that person do to bring it to the surface? Like if they're, if they're not even in the And, you know, I'm in the— for everybody else, I'm in the pro-go-see-a-counselor box. I know you are in the pro-go-see-a-counselor box.

Yes. Yes.

For the person that may not even realize that they just haven't even— what can the regular person do to say, you know what, I'm going to make room to bring my stuff to the surface?

Well, first, let me plug in the counseling thing. It's really important that you have somebody to talk to that that has the knowledge and expertise to ask the questions to even pull those things to surface. Sometimes—

I'm glad I have you.

Sometimes we go in, it's just like going to the doctor with a cough and they don't just give you cough medicine and leave. They ask you questions about symptoms. How's it affecting you? Same thing with therapy. It's not something that you have to have a devastating problem to attend therapy. You know, most of my clients are exactly what you just described. I'm having a hard time, I really don't know, there's some things that I haven't worked through. And through different discussions and different topics and different questions, we get to the place where we said, okay, well, you know, we can get to some of the problems, not just, you know, I don't know what's going on. So first, yeah, therapy is the number one thing I should say that I think that addresses it wholeheartedly. But the other aspect I can say is if you have a good girlfriend, a good group of, you know, somebody that you can talk to that knows you well enough that would challenge your thinking and ask you the questions and give you truth in the reality of situation. If you're by yourself, the first thing you can start doing, like you did, is just journal, writing it down, getting it out to see what comes out. Sit and ask yourself what's wrong. I say we do this thing just called, you know, just write the first thing that pops into your head, just start writing it down and see where that takes you and how far it goes. Now, I do caution because sometimes We don't realize that things we experience that were traumatic for us are often triggered by some of the thoughts that we bring up. And so that's why I always say, you know, it's really important to seek counseling because some of us have had really traumatic issues that's happened in our childhood that we've kind of, you know, repressed and we don't really want to talk about it. We don't want to bring it up. And then when you go through your journal and you see yourself jotting down those things, sometimes it can trigger memories of those events and feelings that we're not equipped to handle.

You know what I love?

Yes.

And I do. I feel like we've had many conversations about this, but I do. I am pro therapy. I do think, though, that there are lots of different kinds. And by that, I mean professional therapy is a situation. But I just don't ever want to discount— I have friends where they'll just call me and say, girl, I'm just trying to make sure I'm thinking about this clearly. Get an objective opinion. So that said, I love the fact that we're talking about therapy as a real thing, a real tool that people can use not to say, hey, I'm broken, but to say, hey, I want to get through this, get through this well. And somebody else who is not in the mud, in the muck, in the mire who's above the trees. They're not going to get lost in the forest because of the trees. They can kind of help me see how to get through this. So totally for that. But like you mentioned journaling, and I love how you said you're just writing down thoughts. I did not want to get stuck this past birthday weekend trying to figure out what to say.

Right.

I didn't want to limit what I needed to say by trying to put it in sentences. You know what I mean? So I literally just wrote words and phrases. I didn't put them in complete sentences. I wrote words. Like, so for example, I realized that the last time I had written in my journal was the Saturday before I ended up in the hospital this year.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. So that was kind of like, what was I talking about before all things in my life were crazy? So it started with me trying to just catch up. Like, catch up. Like, I don't want to spend an hour writing all the things that have happened to me, but I don't want to forget.

Right.

I just wrote hospital infection. I just wrote phrases of things to remind me. There's one other time that I've done this. When I got married, I took a journal with me into the little bridal room where I was supposed to wait until it was time to go downstairs. And I just wrote down phrases. I wrote down what my dad smelled like when he hugged me. Like, I wrote down the smell of the room because I had a candle burning. I wrote down the feelings, the emotions that I had. And to this day, if I go back there, I don't need the full sentences. Those words are enough to put me back in that moment. So I want to encourage the people who are not journalers to not think that you have to be a writer in order to get some of those thoughts out of you and in front of you. Just write down words and phrases just so that you're aware of where you are. Now, when I was journaling and I wrote those phrases down, I circled some of the words that were skimming the surface. I can't do that right now. I'm trying to get all these things down, but I'm going to come back to that. One of the words I wrote down was regret. And there's almost 20 years between my 27 and where I am now, 46, 20 years almost. And so that's one of the words. Now, I was like, I don't want to bring all of that to the front seat on my birthday. Birthday. I don't want to bring it all the way, but I do want to investigate it. So I circled it because it was like, this is a word where I have to do some work and identify why is there a feeling of regret? What are the components of that regret? And so I can identify which things I can actually change the story for and which things where what's done is done and there's nothing to do but acknowledge it. And let it go. Okay, so I want to talk about letting it go because one of the biggest emotions that people struggle with is forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself or regret, past decisions, what you have or haven't done. And forgiveness of other people, how they jacked your life up, hurt you, set your life on a course you never intended it to be on. Um, and honestly forgiving God for stuff that you just are like, why did you let that happen to me?

I was—

yeah, uh, yesterday with a friend of mine, a friend of ours who, um, has experienced the death in her family, and it was sooner than expected. Um, they had gotten good news and then everything turned in a day, and she was planning on going home. She's not going to get to see that relative, and her words to me was, I am mad at God. Like, if he was gonna take her Why did he at least not give me a chance to say goodbye?

Goodbye. Yeah.

So forgiveness runs the scheme of ourselves, other people, and even God. And people say, well, you just got to let go. It's true. It's true.

But I think we have these unrealistic expectations of ourselves and unrealistic expectations of what happens during traumatic situations in our life. There, we have this thing that everything is supposed to resolve naturally, or, or everything is supposed to go right. And if this person cared about me, this would happen. And we have this view of how God operates and what he's supposed to do, and we go by those expectations. So a lot of times we get to a place in our lives where we're disappointed because of our own expectations in, in some of our relationships. Um, people have been themselves throughout the entire time. We just did not choose to see some of the things in the relationship that were unhealthy, or the flags before we got into the relationship. And so when it ends, we're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe they did that to me. Well, if we had this expectation of a different relationship than what we had and how it ended, um, you know, it ended up, you know, in, in a bad situation, but We have to get to a place where we understand that sometimes it's our expectation. So forgiveness, we have to go through the process of thinking about it from a realistic perspective. Yes, this person hurt me. Yes, they did this. One, how can— how have I contributed to the lack of healthy relationship? What did I do that was unhealthy? What did I say? What is my responsibility? And and have someone else with you going through that. Sometimes we can't be our own filter. We can't ask ourselves certain questions because we want to look at ourselves through a different lens or through a healthy lens. So sometimes we have to have somebody else in our life to bounce things off of. You get to a place where you process through it to say, yes, this person did hurt me, or yes, that was disappointing, and I'm so sad because I expected it to be this way, and this is how it's supposed to be. But right now, especially when it comes to our relationship with the Lord, right now I have to trust his hand and trust his heart. If I don't see his hand, or if I look at it, I don't agree with what his hand is doing, I have to trust his heart. I know he loves me. I know all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. We know all those scriptures about him, who he is and how he loves us. Trust that part and not necessarily the sadness that's coming and saying that, oh, this is all his fault. He did this to you. He doesn't love you. That's not true. You always have to hang on to the truth. And a lot of times truth is based on what we know and not how we feel. So that's one. You can get through that process a lot easier if you go by what is true, not necessarily how you feel.

You said that's one, huh? You said that's enough.

Yes, yes, I have another. The other thing would be, um, having a space where you say, I can't do anything about that anymore. No more. Yes, it hurt. It's over. Do I continue to take it with me? Or do I leave it here and say, yes, that was unfortunate. Maybe it was my fault. I can't— I've asked for forgiveness. They won't forgive me. I can't do anything about that. I tried to do the right thing. I can't— you know, it's not accepted. This is where I am. And I have to leave it here. It's unresolved. It's something in my history that I don't like. And it's going to be there. It is not going to go away. But you can walk away from it saying, Yes, this happened, but I'm okay now. I've processed it. I've gotten through it. I don't go through all of the emotions associated with the issue anymore. I can walk through saying, okay, you know, I'm done with it. It doesn't affect me anymore. It's not that I've forgotten about it. Sometimes we think we're supposed to forget about it and everything associated with it. I didn't forget about that it's hurtful. I didn't forget about that it was negative, but I'm at a place now, I'm not walking around with those feelings every time I think about it, and it's not affecting every other aspect of my life.

You know, when you said I tried everything else, made me think of— there have been not many, but there have been times in my life where there's just literally nothing I can do. Like, because I'm a— I'm a— tell me I'll put it back. You know, I'm just wired that way. But there have been times I can't.

You can't.

There's nothing I can do. And so in those moments, I— and I don't— I'm trying to think of what the saying is, but there's a saying that it has to to do with, you know, when you come to the end of yourself, like that's where God picks up. And it made me think, what would happen if I could make myself get to the end of myself before I'm actually at the end of myself? Like, if I'm like, for example, that's such a Chrystal question. I know it was the movie— what's the movie where they keep going?

Inception.

Like, what if, if I'm in the hospital and there are all these things, my kids are supposed to be here, I had a doctor's appointment over here, there were emails, but, but I'm in the hospital and they're pulling me out for an MRI. I can't do nothing about all of that.

Nope.

All I can do is what's, what I can do right here. How could I harness that when I'm not there? So that we don't have to get to our wit's end, like to our mental, physical wit's end. And you and I have talked about this, like even physically. Why do we wait for our bodies to start forcing us, right, slow down? So how can I harness what I have in an actual end of myself situation and make it a virtual end of myself situation. I mean, it reminds me of, um, my brother and I, we're having this conversation, we're talking about the personalities in our family, and they're, they're— I'm not one of them, but there are two people in my family who, when they get overwhelmed, like, they don't, they don't have a high overwhelm level. Their level is low, so they get there quick, and they'll do just like this. Well, I don't know. And I'm like, what do you mean we don't know? We have to solve this. So my level is a lot higher. I need to lower mine.

Yes.

So how do you explain the mechanics of lowering? Like, just because I can go further, don't. Like, literally let it go because you can get there.

But really, the realistic view of it is you have limited ability within yourself, pretty much. There's a lot— many things you can't control. You can only control you. You can't control other people, how they make the decisions, where they go, what they do, and why they do it. You can't do that. So you can get to the place you say, you know what, there's really nothing I can do right now. And understanding what your limitations as a person is— there, there, you can say everything right, you can have great ideas, great input, great insight, but you can't make people change. You cannot make people do things they do not want to do. I have tried it. I've tried every single thing in my being, and I'm telling you, you cannot make people do things that they don't want to do. And so I think some people have that wisdom. They're like, you know what, this is it. This is where I am. This is where my knowledge ends. I don't have anything else to add. I don't have anything else to say. And I'm okay with sitting back and saying, I have nothing left. I have nothing left. I'm done. I don't have anything else to give, and it's completely out of my hands. Now, for some people, that's hard to do because you want to— you feel anxious because it's not resolved or it needs to get done, or, you know, it's kind of hard. But some people can get to a place where, say, you know what, after this, I can't really— it's not my responsibility. I can't do anything about it.

So, so give me an example of something that you have had to— whether you've learned the hard way or the wisdom way, uh, where you've had to let it go? Like, what was the situation and how did you—

Oh man, I think the first thing that comes to my mind is when you talked about my son going to college and how we prayed for him and the road it took for me to get there. Um, I lost my first pregnancy. My daughter Grace was born too early, and it got to the place where I remember being in the hospital in the bed and, um, being— I would, you know, I would— they had me upside down and they said, you know, hopefully you won't go into labor and all this. But the, the perinatologist came in and he looked at the, at the baby and, um, on ultrasound and he said it's hopeless. This is hopeless. Exactly, exactly. And he just started wrapping up his—

in bedside manner, sir. We need training in bed.

I wanted to jump across the room.

Good Lord, it's hopeless.

And he started wrapping his cord around, um, packing up his instruments to walk out the door. And at that point, I had gotten to a place where I had to— there was nothing else I can do. There was no— I, I wanted to call it, well, give me another opinion, call somebody else, or, or do something else, or did you look at, or what about this, whatever. I had to— I had no other choice. But to sit back and say there is really nothing else I could do. I thought, you know, that of course, you know, I read all the research. You know, I've been on the internet. I read all the research about baby survival early. I heard this case study and, you know, this kid is perfectly healthy that was born this early and had all this evidence of how things could be okay. But at that point, that was not my situation. So I had to get to the place where I had to say, okay, God, not my will but your will. I just have to go through it. And as much as I hated it, I was angry, I was sad, I was all those things, I still had to say, okay, there is really nothing else I can do. There's really nothing else I can do. So I did all the processing, I did all the, yeah, let's do this, or call this doctor. I had all the evidence. I had so many other options, but there was really nothing else I can do. It was completely out of my hands. So I had to back down and say, you know what, I've done everything. I've been to every doctor appointment.

After, after, did you have the, could I have done this? Should I have done that?

Oh yeah. Yeah, I did. I did. I thought about—

Well, how did you let that go? Because that gets into the, not that you regretted it, but the feelings of, is there even some, you know, we're looking, because we want— we want closure.

Yes.

Cause and effect, right? So when you were experiencing that, how did you even let that go?

Well, I had to decide that I had to not look for closure, but I had to look for acceptance. That's the thing.

That's good.

There was never a closure, you know what I mean? I can't close it. How can you close it? I had to get to a place where I accepted. I had to accept that I had nothing to do with with it. I had to accept that there was nothing I could have done month 1, week 11, week 12. I couldn't do anything. There was nothing I could have done that could have prevented it. Um, and I had to accept that as the truth, not my feelings of, oh my gosh, it must have been me, it must have been, you know, something I did, or something I could maybe pass my life that I did something wrong and this was a punishment, you know, all those ridiculous things that comes to your mind that are completely untrue. Um, you need to have just truth. So I had friends, I had people in my life to say, hey, you did everything, just to say, repeat that to me over and over and over. Had a doctor repeat, Shandrea, there was really nothing you could have done, we did everything. So the, the repetitive nature of people saying it wasn't your fault, you couldn't have done anything, and then the truth of the matter, you know, that I couldn't have done everything and accepting that I couldn't have done anything. Then, you know, I got to the place where I could accept, as hard as it was, as, um, you know, as outside of my ability as it was, I— it happened. And that's— it's written in my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it, can't make it better.

You told me that, that your husband said, Shandria, This is your life.

Yep.

You kept trying to reconcile the fact that what you expected out of life wasn't what was happening. Like, trying to, like, cause and effect. There has to be a reason. There has to be.

Yes.

Messy, messed up, frustrating, grieving. This is your life. And so at a certain point, you just have to say Fighting it doesn't move me forward. And the other thing that you keep saying in a lot of different ways, you keep saying, I had to go through it. I had to go through it. There was a process. There was a process. And I want to give people freedom to say, you know what, walking through the work of going through your emotions is a process.

It is.

It's okay to say, you know, it's okay to, you know, my, uh, my aunt, when my grandmother died, because she lived with her and took care of her, she said for a few weeks she didn't want to come to church. She said because it— at first, the reason not to come is because everybody feels so bad. So everybody's hugging you, and it's just, it's too much. It's an onslaught.

Yeah.

Then she took a minute to come to church because then she was like, if I come, people have moved on. And either one of those extremes You know, we grieved for you, we sent you a card, we brought you a meal, you know, and so—

You should be okay now.

You gotta come out. And she said, I wanted to go through the process, I didn't want to shortcut the process, and I needed to give myself the space to grieve. And then when I was ready, then be able— and she came, she would, you know, sit in the back or sit in the balcony, but being— and we always sit down front, she was like, I can't take the onslaught. And then she was like, I can't look around and realize that everybody's just moved on.

Yeah.

Honored her process. I know a doctor told my mom one time after passing of my grandfather, her dad, it was a few years, and she was just talking to him about some things in her health. And he said, you're still grieving.

Yeah.

Like, you're discounting the impact of the emotional hit that you had in your life.

Yes.

You're just like, okay, I'm back. And there is a process that we have to walk through.

Exactly.

The point where, um, no, I know that one of the things people are afraid of, and that's why they get busy again or they ignore it or they get back to life, is because they don't want the process to send them into an unhealthy place where then it gets into depression and, you know, other things that that are not healthy long term. So people bounce back. But I think there's this middle of the road. There is this— there's a healthy way to walk through difficult emotional places. And that's again where a counselor, therapist, or even a good friend, spiritual leader can look from the outside in and say, you know, you're going to have to give it some more time, you know, or no, we're going to have to, you know, we're going to start doing some things. You've been You've been here too long. You know, um, my mom on my birthday— now I was fine, but she knows I'm emotionally volatile. People who know me love me. Um, on my birthday, Friday, I did all the things I wanted to do. I went and saw Ocean's 8 by myself, to Le Madeline by myself, and I went to— I went to go get a massage. So Saturday was my actual birthday. And I woke up and the scenery where we were was beautiful. And I would have been totally content to just sit, just sit, journal, read, Google, just sit. My mom kind of walked around for a little bit first. She said, what do you want to do on your birthday? And then she was like, so do you have any place you'd like to eat on your birthday? And then it became, okay, you know, it's almost 10 o'clock. And then she came around and said, all right, it's your birthday. Get up, let's go. Even though I was fine that day, she was looking at me and thinking, you know what, it's her birthday, so I'm gonna— I, it's important for her to have a memory today, and I'm gonna help her, you know, create it. Good friends or family, sisters, uh, aunties, cousins, friends, communities, Bible study, whatever. That's, that's why community is so important because some people from the outside in, you need to have some people speak into your life and go, okay, now, okay, all right, come on. Yeah, or, or enter it with you. Because you remember there was— I don't remember, was it one year after Grace died that we went and did the— it was the balloon release thing. Was it one year?

Yeah, I think it was a year later, a little over a year.

Yeah, a year later you went to this, uh, it was for loss —like, for women who lose baby. And so everybody could, you know, you had your little boxes with all the little things that send you home from the hospital, or the pictures, or, you know, just whatever you had. And there was a point where everybody released a balloon. I just remember thinking, these are all women with a shared experience. This does not take away the pain. It does not erase the pain. But they are saying We're owning our pain and we're owning it together.

Exactly. Exactly. It is something to have somebody to go through it with and to support you. But it's another thing to acknowledge it. You have to acknowledge the pain, acknowledge that that upset me. And it doesn't have to be something as devastating as losing a baby. It could be losing a job or losing a friendship or a relationship, a marriage. Acknowledging that it hurts, it hurts, it's painful, I didn't like it, I didn't like how that turned out. Just acknowledging it is huge. Instead of internalizing it and walking away and saying, oh, I'm fine, everything's okay, when it's not, that's when it can get to the unhealthy place. There's power in just speaking and saying, you know what, that hurt me and I didn't like it.

You know, there's a woman that's coming to my life recently, getting to know her, but she's recently divorced. And she's been— I say recently, she's been divorced now for 8 months. So we were meeting over a thing for church, and in their conversation, just in passing, she kept— because she kept referring to her husband. And then, you know, I was asking her about her life, and there was no talk of her husband. So I just said, so then tell me about your husband. Like, how is— and then she said, well, actually— and then she leaned forward and she said, so, you know, actually what I'm talking about, I'm talking about my, um, my ex-husband. And she whispered it. And then she said, just, I haven't said it before. And she was married for, um, you know, the better part of 25 years. Wow. So she just even saying it. Like, she's like, I couldn't even bring myself to say it. And like, power in acknowledging, not just because you're saying it hurts, but also because you're saying, this is my life. This is what's happening right now. Yes. That's saying things, writing them out, admitting them in safe places is acknowledging them so that you can accept the feeling but accept your reality. Mm-hmm. This, this is it.

This is it. And, and I think we shy away from that feeling of being uncomfortable, or there's shame associated to some situations, like being divorced, or there's shame even, um, in losing a job, or, you know, whatever. It— there's shame associated. So sometimes I think a lot of acknowledgement is— has to do with shame or guilt. Um, but instead of acknowledging that sometimes we don't want to go through the messy feelings of having that physical feeling of being sad or depressed.

And how often do we feel the tears coming and fight them back and fight them back?

And, you know, I have experience in that area. But sometimes I think if we just acknowledge the way we feel and let ourselves feel that feeling, we'd be surprised at how short-lived it is. It's not as devastating sometimes, um, when we go through it and we cry and we get it out and we feel so much better. Um, the hard work and all the stress associated with keeping it in is far more work than actually feeling the feeling. And it is a lot less when we just go ahead and get it out and feel it and process it and say, you know, that hurt my feelings, I don't like it, I'm so sad that it didn't end up how I wanted it to end up, and it just hurts my heart that I I prayed for this and God told me no, and I hurt because of that. Yeah. Um, and it is definitely a shorter period that you go through, um, than internalizing it. Grief waits. It will wait on you. You can hold it in for 10, 20 years. Yes. And it affects you in so many different ways, but it's a— it's far shorter, um, time dealing with those emotions once we acknowledge it and allow ourselves ourselves to feel it and approach it. So I'm looking to the left, I wanna catch—

catch something. Okay. We talked about a lot of questions that we received, but one of them, we kind of talked about this, April asked, how can we figure out this thing of letting go before we get to our wit's end? And I know that you said that means exercising wisdom and looking at the end of ourselves. So I want you to think of an example where you've had to to do that. And I want to share one because I want to give her some practical application where you— before you've gotten to the end of yourself, before— because we, we know our wits' end once we're at— once we're there. Yes. Um, one of the things that, um, this is a really trite— it's trite. So, you know, I'm, I'm a, I'm a perfectionist, which means I hold myself to standards that I cannot maintain, and I also hold other people to standards they cannot maintain. Yeah, maybe holding people to standards they don't even know exist. So let's just, let's just say that. And so one of the things that happens is I get upset, frustrated, and angry with people over standards that they may not even know exist, which then puts me in a tizzy. Oh, I mean, they don't even know, they don't even know what happened. You know, my husband is looking at me specifically going, what's wrong with you? So one of the, so one of the things that I've recognized, and this is helping other areas of my life, is when with other people I find myself— I find it's rising, the frustration is rising, the angst is rising, usually because words are making their way. I'm an expressive type, right? So if you're an introvert and you're not prone to share your words, you may find yourself just feeling deep but my words start bubbling up in my throat. So right when they hit the back of my tongue, at that moment, okay, one of the things that I do to exercise wisdom before I hold someone hostage to my expectations, whether that's my husband, he didn't clean up the kitchen, or he didn't do something I asked him to do, or, you know, whether that's one of my kids, they disappointed me, or or whatever in my home, when I feel it right here, I try to disappear and talk to God about it first. Like, literally, I'll go to a space, or I may have to mumble under my breath and talk to him. Like, literally, do you see what is happening in here? I expected this. Are you kidding me? Like, I let it out somewhere else. So before I express it in a place that then creates a domino effect. So my indicator though, to answer your question, April, is my, my indicator is it bubbling up. Another indicator is when my emotions— and Nikki Cozyars and I talked about that in one of our, uh, one of our, um, podcasts. You can just go to the podcast and Google Nikki Cozyars. But anyway, we talked about how you just know your soul is not well, that there is this pervasive sadness. Yes. Can't pin down. You really know, but it's just, it's pervasive. It's holding your life. Or, um, there is a pervasive, like, frustration. I'm just always on edge. Like, that's not, that's not healthy to live in that place. So when I get there, those are my, my knowings that, okay, I'm getting somewhere. I don't, I don't need to keep going. And then I journal or I talk to— call Shandria, or I talk to a friend, call my sister, talk to my mom. So that would be a specific example for me in my house. I talk to myself, I talk to God when it boils up in my back throat, or I journal or get it out another way when there's a pervasive level of emotion that shouldn't be there. So what's your example?

Well, my example is kind of along the same lines. I think when I start getting— I do have expectations that others aren't aware of. And specifically in my marriage, when I first got married, I was like, my dad, before we went to bed every night, he would check the windows, the doors, and just make sure everything was nice and secure. He just went through this thing. When I got married, my husband went to bed. I was like, you're not going to check the windows or the doors? What's wrong? Do you love me? That's a silly example, but I think part of that is I had to start, um, just kind of questioning what my expectations are. Where did I come up with that? You know what I mean? Um, of course, you know, um, I had to go back and ask, what are my expectations of my husband? Or what are my expectations of myself? Um, what are, what are some of the things I think is supposed to happen in this situation? So part of it is, if you can get to that place, if you start asking yourself questions. You start self-assessing. Why am I angry? Am I really angry at this, or is there something else bothering me? And if it's bothering me, is that a realistic expectation, or have I even verbalized it? Do they even know that I want them to be a certain way or to respond a certain way or to do a certain task? So initially, you kind of have to ask yourself. And like you said, if you kind of feel irritable all the time, I call it that undercurrent of sadness or that undercurrent of frustration and anger. You look around when everything's kind of okay, but you're still kind of frustrated and angry and you really don't know why. You have to assess yourself. Why am I feeling like this? What am I expecting? Am I regretting anything? What are my expectations at this point in my life or in this particular situation? So I would say the first thing is ask yourself the question, is this me or is this the situation? And what are my expectations?

This is me. Oh. Anytime I hear that, anything close to that, my mind goes to The Greatest Showman.

But yeah, it is really staying in tune with who you are and who you are emotionally, knowing what your triggers are, knowing what kind of person you are. I'm a very sensitive person. So if you walk up to me, I can look at your face and I can say, what's wrong with you? What's wrong? Which— yeah, what are you thinking about?

I heard you say fine, but I'm not seeing—

yeah, that don't look like fun, right? Um, and so you have people in your life that are able to do that, but also you really have to ask yourself the tough questions, you know. Am I a difficult person to be in a relationship with? You know, am I honest with my feelings? Am I willing to give of myself like I'm asking someone else to give of themselves? Am I willing to come to the table what I'm asking someone else to come to the table with? Am I as sensitive to their needs as I want them to be sensitive to my needs? So we have to ask ourselves the hard questions. And so when you get to the place where you know yourself well enough— because, Chrystal, you're very self-aware. You got your journal, and you know what happens.

I just can't land the plane.

But that's an unrealistic expectation. There is no landing of the plane. There is no place where you get to where everything is completely okay. You, you are equipped to get through difficult times, but they come.

Yeah, that's so good. There were— y'all, we— this is our first time doing this, and so I actually had to bring another computer to the side to see your questions. So I glanced through them. I think a lot of them we answered in the course of our conversation. I, I I really do. Um, there may be a couple, Shandria, that when you're done, if you want to jump in the comments, and I'll do the same a little bit later just to make sure we hemmed it in. But I want to close with this one because I want to make sure this one person heard this because I think this is a key point, and you said it already. I'm just going to reiterate it. The question was, I've been married for 30 years, and so what do you do if your spouse doesn't want to bring things to the surface? And you said earlier that You know, the only person you can control is yourself. The only person you can do anything about is yourself. And yeah, you want to encourage a great marriage, you want to, you want to have that, and you want to do everything you can to make that happen, whether it's a marriage, a friendship, a job, or whatever. There comes a point where after you've done all you can reasonably do, you have to accept that it is what it is. Yes. Don't pray about it, it doesn't mean you don't encourage it, it doesn't mean you don't start stop going to war for what you desire. But there has to be a level of acceptance, because if you don't accept, then you have two problems. You have the problem that is still in front of you and the problem of the expectations that you won't relax.

That you won't relax. It's two things.

So many of the questions kind of had to do with how to let it go and how to deal with that in relationships. And I just wanted to remind everybody that when you're— when your emotions are out of whack because there is something relationally that's out of whack. Do what you can and then relax and realize that there's only so much you can do and accept that reality. Accept that reality.

And you have to also get to the place where, um, in accepting the reality, take— having some self-care. You know, sometimes I think people have been in relationships of marriages for 30 years or 40 years or 25 or whatever, and they're not getting what they need emotionally from their spouse. Well, um, you have to take care of yourself. So that means you, you, you have girlfriends, or you— like you said, I get massages and things like that, or I go talk to a therapist, or, um, but you have to start, um, having some kind of self-care routine and not look to that person to fulfill whatever's going on with you, because they can't, you know, at least at that point they're not able to do that. But so yeah, self-care is really, really important.

I love this. This has been so great. Yay! My first sister circle YouTube show, however we're going to say that, whatever. So you're the first person, and I love you and I appreciate you all. For those of you who have joined, I want to thank you for joining us. Just a couple things before we close. I want to thank the Patreons who helped me co-produce all of the media, the podcast, and YouTube. Thank you for your support. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, just go to patreon.com/ChrystalHurst because I love my co-producers and I like to show them that. Um, if you'd, uh, like to join the team, you can just go there. And then also, if you are not on my mailing list, which means you didn't get the email list today, uh, the email that I sent to say, hey, I'm going to be on, or the notifications about some other special things that I only share with my email list, make sure that you get go and do that. You can go to chrystalevanshurst.com/freedownload because there's actually a freebie that I have on my site for you and I'd love to give that to you. Um, and I'd also like to keep in touch with you and that way you'll be notified when another Sister Circle Live happens. We'll be having them for the month of July every Tuesday, 12 PM Central. So you can tune in every Tuesday and join me and some of either my friends that are really in my Sister Circle or some people I kind of want to be in my sister circle because I think they're cool. And while we chat about some things that hopefully will help you in your everyday life. Thanks so much for joining us. Thank you, Shandria, and we'll see you later.