Valorie Burton on Building a Resilient Life You Can Love

Okay, everybody, you should know who Valerie Burton is. And if you don't know who Valerie Burton is, well, it's my pleasure to introduce you to her today. She is no stranger to me or to the Sister Circle Podcast, and I get the opportunity to have her with me today because we're talking about a very important topic. Valerie, welcome and thanks for joining me again.

Hey Chrystal Hurst, it's always good to be with you. So thanks for having me on again.

Well, you are a prolific author. I see your books still all the time at the airport, and, uh, it's always amazing when you choose to take a topic that we need to talk about and to put it in a framework that we can use. Um, and my favorite thing about how you coach us is that you help us to coach ourselves. So your books are not just read along with me and do what I say. It is get engaged, get involved, do the work. And so you've done that again in your new book, Rules of Resilience, which, you know, you on the COVID so super cute. You are talking about resilience, which I know that there has been a few years of resilience. You know, Brené Brown made us all enter or reenter that back into our vocabulary. And there's been lots of conversation, but I think new seasons call for new levels of work that we need to do to engage with what's happening in our worlds. And so I'm curious, why resilience for you and the 10 rules right now? What bubbled this up for you as the next thing that you needed to dive deep in helping us to coach ourselves on?

Well, this is the subject I've been talking about more than any other for about 17 years. So when I went back to grad school back in '07, '08, I finished in '08, in positive psychology, I began studying under some of the foremost researchers in resilience and had an opportunity to work on a master resiliency training team for the military. And it was at a time when I was going through the most difficult season of my life, which was a divorce. So there I was facilitating and training on resilience when I needed resilience myself. We also were in the middle of a recession at that time. You all remember that? It was quite a while ago. And I thought, when this Great Recession is over, people aren't going to keep asking me to speak on resilience. But it never stopped. And for years, That was my most requested topic as a speaker. And then we hit a pandemic. And obviously, we needed a great deal of resilience. But so many other things have been happening. And it's, it's what's happening culturally. It's what's happening politically, socially in our society, but also individually. Like it takes resilience to be successful. And when life doesn't go as planned, when seasons change and things get difficult, it's resilience that keeps us going. And so I wanted to find a way to make it very well-defined and practical so you could see where you might be weak, where you could strengthen your resilience, and then create these very simple rules that you can pull them off the shelf pretty much depending on the dilemma. You know, you won't use every rule every time, but I wanted it to be a go-to resource when I wrote the book.

Well, I know that when you have 17 years of your life where you're doing anything, you have the ability to not talk about it because you can or because you have the mental capacity to explain things in a way other people can digest. But there's a soulfulness to it as well because you're not talking as a lot of researchers are academicians do, where they're giving you the information. You're like, "And so because I understand this myself, and I know how I needed to learn it, or I needed to digest it, or what I needed to do with it, it brings a level of—" I mean, when I'm talking to somebody who's giving me information that's right and true, I'm glad. When I'm talking to somebody who's giving me information that's right and true, and they used it themselves, I am changed because there's a different level of belief that we have when someone has had to use the same tools that they're giving us. So I'm curious when, um, if somebody's listening and they're wondering, before we even get into some of these things, how do I know if resiliency is a problem for me? If I'm not resilient or if I'm not operating in a way that incorporates resiliency into my life, what are some telltale signs that we may not have the resiliency that we need?

Well, I think we see it a lot in our even feeling that we can keep going and whether we are kind of giving up on— not just giving up, but giving up on our own purpose, on our relationships, settling in ways that God doesn't want us necessarily to settle. But also it's about being able to navigate with wisdom what you're going through. Being able to grow through challenges and not just go through them is a big piece. Um, so, you know, depending on the challenge, it's— you're not always looking to grow, right? Like, right in that moment, sometimes we're just looking to, like, survive it. Live to tell the tale. But somewhere on the other side, there should be a way in which somehow we have become more of who we were created to be. We may have learned, like for myself, I always said, you know, I had to overcome my biggest fear when I went through divorce, which was, mine was fear of rejection and disapproval.. And so I really thought, nobody's going to have me speak. I don't have a right to write books anymore. Um, you know, I, who's going to want to listen to me? Can I coach people? I mean, those are the kinds of doubts and things that we have when life doesn't go quite the way, uh, that we planned it. And I had to face my own fear of disapproval. I had to learn that, look, I, I've got to make decisions. I've got to hear from God. And regardless of what others' opinions are going to be. I have to take those steps forward with courage. And that was major for me. But in the process, I really became a lot more compassionate, Chrystal Hurst, because I think probably I was— more than anything, I was judging myself. But I also just began feeling others' pain and others' difficulties much more deeply. I paused a little longer when I realized somebody was going through something. I think I was so focused on things looking good as opposed to being good. Um, and I had to walk through all of those particular challenges. That's just one challenge. I mean, that's, that's something I've obviously moved past, uh, for a long time, but it takes resilience, for example, to say, okay, and I still have a vision. And I still believe that happy marriage and motherhood are possible. That when you launch out to have that business and it's hard and, and it's not going the way you planned it, but you know, this is your calling and it's your purpose that you're able to stick with it. Or when you get that health diagnosis or your spouse or your, your, your family members do, and you're the one that's got to be a caregiver and you've got to be strong and, and you have the thoughts of how life might change in ways you don't want. I mean, all of those things require us to be resilient. And so I think we see the lack of resilience when we're unable to navigate those things in an effective and healthy way. That's good.

That's good. And I love, um, the examples that you gave because I think, you know, a lot of times we may think, depending on how we've heard resiliency spoken of before, that it's related to the examples even that you started out with, like relationships, like is this one relationship going to define? But resiliency covers all these areas. I mean, you mentioned being a caregiver or your business and just the bounce back factor. And so depending on who I'm having a conversation with about my ability to bounce back or move forward or their ability to do the same, it kind of gets relegated to the one area where we feel that we're unable to the most and We don't think about it as this comprehensive, you know, concept that affects how we live our life because the resiliency, I would assume, that you have in one area is probably indicative of the resiliency that you exhibit in other areas of your life too. Like, it's about who you are as a person. And so, did you find that when you were struggling, and like you said, it's not the only issue that you've had in your life. But was it that as you continue to build into your life and vision, that, that infected your feelings about resiliency in your personal life relationally? Or did you have to start relationally and personally to tell yourself a different story that influenced the way you thought about your work and your business and your purpose in life?

Yeah, I, I think as I began I had already, I'd studied it, right? So I knew it philosophically. I'm teaching it. You go through something really big for yourself. You can now, let me see how this works in my life, like in this really big challenge. And I found over and over again that it worked. And I began to realize no matter what I was speaking on, because it's always been around helping people live more fulfilling lives, helping people to have authentically successful lives, it doesn't matter what the situation is. You need resilience because the plan that you come up with typically doesn't go in a straight line from A to Z. We all know that even the most optimistic of us, we think that. But at some point, something just doesn't go the way we planned it. And that can be as simple as you, you, you woke up this morning and stuff didn't go as you had hoped it would go. And will that throw off your whole day? And will that in turn cause you to snap at somebody you didn't mean to snap at? And now that relationship is having a little bit of a setback. Back. I mean, it shows up in those little ways and it shows up in those really big ways. And I saw it working. And then as I was working with coaching clients and we began talking through it and they began implementing it, I was like, this is needed. But I think my biggest passion around resilience is that I just believe this is a set of tools that every person needs. Children need to be taught it. Every workplace needs to teach it. Every family needs to teach it. But the question is, what is it? How do you get it? And so what I realized is that resilience is a personal system that you create. It's got 3 pillars to it, and you can look at each one of those pillars and determine, how am I doing? And how could I improve? What could I do a little bit better? What can I pat myself on the back for? And so being able to not just see it as this inspirational concept or, oh my goodness, look at how resilient she is. You're actually looking at yourself and saying, how strong is my system and can I strengthen it?

And how? Y'all, every year when it was time for a new school year or I started a new school, I'd be so excited because I'd be like, this year is going to be different. I say that every time a new calendar year rolls up too. This year is my year. And This is the time where I get my planner so I can start planning for what I'm going to do in the year to come. And I want you to do that too. Y'all, the Full Circle Planner, they are available for preorder and I want you to go get yours now while you can choose the color and make sure that you can get yours before they run out. thesistercircle.com/planner. Because it's that time where we get to decide who we're going to be. Come on and join me, y'all. One of the things I know that you talk about, particularly in the chapter Rally Your Resources, One of the sections that jumped out at me was when you said authenticity gives you permission to reach out. And so what you're describing so far could sound to someone like, okay, I've got to get my tools together. I've got to look at my pillars. I've got to put my system together so that I can be resilient. And I do think a lot of people will function like that, forgetting that a part of the resiliency is connection with other people. And so can you talk about how, even though it's my tools and my system and my way of thinking about my life and how I realize how I'm set up to continue moving forward and how I set myself up for success in that way, how that is not without having a system that's connected to other people? How do other people, other relationships, play a role in the resiliency puzzle?

Yeah, so that's the, that's the second pillar. It's protective resources. And resources include your support system. It includes people. We cannot be, we cannot be resilient without strong relationships. I mean, you can go it alone a little bit, but at some point you're going to need others, whether it's their perspective or a shoulder to cry on or somebody that's been there and done that and can say, hey, here's what you might consider, or even access to resources that others might have. And so being able to understand the significance of relationships— the research actually shows even among children who just have very maybe weak support systems and haven't grown up in ideal circumstances, just having one strong support supportive adult is the deciding factor around whether those children will be resilient or not. Having one person that believes in you, one person who says, keep going, one person who says, hey, I'll help you get through college. Those things really, really matter. And so we, I think sometimes, especially if you've been hurt in relationships or hurt in a context within a family or a church or, you know, in a workplace environment, you can want to isolate yourself. And so it's really important. One, you want to be discerning in relationships, but you also want to be very intentional in how you build those relationships, not just for your own need and resilience, but also, as I talk about in the very last chapter, of paying it forward. But you've got wisdom. You've got things that you can serve as that resource, as that relationship for somebody else. And in turn, the fun part, I think, about that is that when we serve others, it actually makes us more resilient. It builds up our sense of positive emotion and connection, which literally expands our ability to deal with adversity and with stress. So this isn't just asking for help, which is important, but it's also just building connection with others that causes us to not feel isolated and to understand that we've got a bigger purpose in everything that happens. And that in itself helps us to be stronger.

The authenticity piece, though, I think for a lot of people, I know for me too, um, is sometimes a problem because if you're working through your own feelings of maybe disappointing yourself with the dreams that you had for your life or your expectations, that can be a very vulnerable, okay, I need people in my life, but I really don't want people to know how I'm doing or how bad this is or how much I need help. And so what does that look like to know that people should be a part of it, to know that supportive systems are a part of your process and progress, but to, to struggle with that piece of authenticity when you haven't even made peace with the challenges that you're experiencing yourself?

So I would say, one, be patient with yourself. Have some self-compassion. That means treating yourself as kindly as you would treat a best friend, you know, as a child you care about. Um, and then being courageous because authenticity takes that. So I'll share an example I talk about in the book that happened in our own family just 2 years ago. So my mom, who had a massive brain aneurysm in 2001 while we were talking on the phone, she was 49 at the time, and by all medical accounts, that should have taken her life. And so it's a long road to regain all of those abilities after brain surgery, and she did. She gained, I would say, I won't say she did all of them, but I would say at one point, She's probably about 85% there, um, which is huge when you consider she couldn't talk, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't swallow, her vision was impaired, her bladder didn't function. I mean, it was everything. And, um, a few years in, like, she was actually walking and so forth. Then walking became a little harder. She started using a cane, and eventually she started using a walker when she was in the house. Then it was I've got to use it outside. Then it was, I've got to use it everywhere. I've got to keep it by the bed. Like, it just became very progressive. And lots and lots of, um, doctor's visits trying to figure out what's going on, to some of the most renowned clinics in this country. And so she's a medical mystery. We don't know. At one point, she was even diagnosed with spastic paraplegia, which is totally unconnected with the brain aneurysm. We spent about 5 years with her being treated for that. I did a lot of research, and as I was doing that and became part of support groups, it became apparent we should do this kind of testing to find out if it was hereditary and a specific type. Um, that would help us with her treatment, but it would also help for my brother and I to know, um, if this possibly was hereditary. And when she took the test, they said That's not, um, you don't have that, like, the amount of shock, right? But in the meantime, it kept getting worse, and we had invited my mom multiple times over the years to come live with us. She was very adamant. I will not do that. I will not be doing that. My mother's very independent. She lived about 6 miles down the road, and she was like, nope, nope, nope. I'll hire somebody to help if I get to that point. And about 2 years ago, the conversation came up and she was like, no, like she told my husband, you know, he had been cooking something and he said to her, you know, if you live with us, you could just come to the kitchen and have some.

We were all on the phone.

And she's like, no. The next day I said, um, mom, I know I'm not in your position, but if I was, and if Alex, my son who's now 11, I said, if Alex was married and his wife was inviting me to come live with them, I think I would do it. Like, there's nothing to prove in living by yourself, but, you know, she had— was having a lot more trouble just getting around. She couldn't— she, she had fallen multiple times, and she was adamant. And about a week later, I'd get an email. It just said, being realistic. She said, um, I prayed about what you said. I feel like God just said I'm not being realistic, and it's probably a season to, to do something different. So almost 2 years ago now, she moved with us. That's an example. It sometimes is extraordinarily difficult to admit a problem, especially when you don't really have control over it. And you can really want to keep control, right? And one of the ways we keep control is by keeping it to ourselves, right? Even, even in that, she didn't always tell us what was happening or how bad it was, right? So the authenticity, it does feel very vulnerable, but it also feels like a relief, right? I mean, when, for my mom, it was, you know, she sold the house, she came, we had plenty of room for her. But after a few months, she said, I, I'm enjoying being here. I am enjoying being around people, my grandson coming into the room when he gets home from school. And like, at the end of the day, it definitely was the right choice. But at some point she had to be authentic and come to terms. And I'm not saying that that's easy. Whatever your challenge is, whether it's in a relationship or your health or your finances, or the reality that you cannot stand the work you do and you're scared to admit it because that means maybe you have to do something about it. But the first step to getting unstuck is admitting the truth, right? And that's authenticity. And know that you're not alone in this and you don't have to be alone in it. And you also want to be discerning. You don't need to tell everybody everything, right? So Being authentic doesn't mean I'm announcing all of my stuff to everybody. It means I'm being discerning and saying, who is that wise counsel? Who is that person that I can trust with my feelings, who I know has my best interest at heart, who will listen, um, and maybe help me in the way that I need some perspective or help right now.

I love that because what you're describing might help someone who thinks because it feels hard to be authentic or to say, "I need help," or to tell the real story, that the feeling of hard means it's not right. And I think that story with your mom is a very tangible one where it's like, it can feel wrong and be right. It can be the right thing to lean into that. Correct. You mentioned control as one of the ways that we cope. And I know that you talk about The importance of controlling the controllables and accepting the rest. Can you talk a little bit about that, about what that means to control some things, but accept the other things and how trying to control the other things might send us spinning?

Okay. We got any control freaks listening? That's the first—

I don't know what you're talking about.

So, so the most successful and resilient people are clear about what's within their control and what's not within their control. And when you're busy trying to control things you don't control, one, you're wasting energy. Eventually, you're kind of driving yourself crazy. You also can end up feeling very much like a victim and not be able to find where you have power and agency. So if Let's say I say my organization is going through a bunch of changes and they're going to merge and there's all these systems are changing, my job's changing. You don't control that. But if all of your energy is focused on what things used to be and what they ought to do and you're rehashing that with fellow coworkers, like you're not focused on what do you have control over? Maybe it's learning what the new systems are going to be. Maybe it is getting to know some people that are now in the company who weren't before. Maybe if it's not the right place for you, it's spending some energy figuring out where you can go. Right? Those are things you can control. But oftentimes we focus on what we can't control. And that's called an external locus of control. When you're focused on things you don't control. A lot of people focus on trying to fix people. So if your answer is, and when he changes, then this can be okay. When my kids do X, okay, if people will not or cannot change, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You can control how you show up in that situation. You can control what boundaries you choose to set. You can control your attitude. You can control being able to give yourself some downtime. And, you know, are you praying about it? Are you really seeking you know, your answer from a spiritual perspective. So really looking at what do I control and what do I not control. You accept the reality of the situation and then you say, all right, so given this situation, what am I going to do? That's really freeing. It's very empowering. But if you're totally focused on, you know what, I need them to change, I need this to change, I need, I need the government to change, I need, you know, things that you don't have any control over, You are going to be riddled with anxiety. You're probably not going to take actions that are effective, uh, in helping you get to ultimately your goal.

One of the things about resilience is it has two ends. One is the, you're on the floor, life is falling apart, get your systems together, get Valerie's book, understand what the 10 rules are, know what the three pillars are, and, and do something about it. The other part is, in my opinion, is being overactive in this idea of resiliency where you just are going to power through no matter what. And I know that you talk about the importance of knowing when to grit and knowing when to quit. So what are some of the signs where this is not about resilience anymore? This is about sometimes it's time to let go and you're not willing because you think you're doing something wrong if you let go. To say, this is okay if it ends, this is okay if I exit, this is okay if there's a change and I'm not a part of that. Um, how do you know the difference between be resilient and girl, get off the train?

Yeah, because getting off the train is resilience. So I think that we, our culture, oftentimes it's even in our families, we'll repeat, never, you know, quitters, never What is it? Winners never quit, quitters never win. Never, never, never, never, never give up. That famous Churchill quote. Like, we are taught that quitting is the worst thing in the world. Sometimes quitting is necessary. Sometimes you pursued a path that you never should have pursued in the first place. So do you just keep going down that path because quitting would be awful, or do you stop because you weren't on the right path in the first place. Um, additionally, where I found this, um, especially true was that I was really just reading scripture. And in thinking about, uh, the scripture where Jesus talks about, um, his burden is light and his yoke is easy, really spoke to me one day. This was probably 10, 12 years ago, I was in the midst of something and it really had just begun to feel burdensome. And this was related to my work. And the way that spoke to me is sometimes we go through things and it's going to be hard. That season might be hard and you really need to just tell yourself, this season is hard and I can do hard things. I mean, that might not sound fun, but that may be where you are in this season. Um, at other times it is, I have accomplished the divine assignment, whatever I was supposed to do in that season, that activity, and I'm done, and now it's time to move on. And so you want to be able to distinguish between the two. I have found that if it's just burdensome, like you are unable, there's no grace on it, um, that often is a sign that it's not just hard but it's burdensome. So good.

So good. Um, one of the things that makes moving forward despite difficulty, um, hard is that it's currently hard. There's an obstacle, there's a problem in the way, there's something you're not sure how to move past. The other part of that that keeps you going, honestly, is the vision that you have at the end. So you decide to keep believing, you decide to keep moving forward. And I know that you talk about vision and the importance of vision and staying focused on where you're going so you don't get too distracted by the speed bump in the middle of the road. But one of the question marks that come, and I know you talk a lot about thought life and how our thoughts and how we talk to ourselves, how that changes things too. But one of the issues becomes when you're not sure that the vision is the right vision. When you start questioning the vision, and sometimes when you just mentioned resiliency sometimes means getting off the train, sometimes there is an honesty that we have to have with ourselves that maybe what we thought we were aiming for actually isn't the right thing. And so if the vision is the problem or the questioning or the doubting of the vision is the problem, What counsel for resiliency do you offer then? Because I think sometimes, especially when there have been multiple obstacles or multiple speed bumps, it becomes maybe what I'm thinking that I desire to do or desire to see or desire to have actually isn't even something— like the moon is not there. I'm reaching for the stars. Those stars don't exist. So how do you reconcile holding vision when sometimes we need to pivot from vision? And knowing the difference of whether you keep going or whether you say, you know what, maybe, maybe I need to aim in a different direction.

I think that's the question you coach yourself with, right? Because our vision sometimes evolves, and sometimes as we grow and have new experiences or gain new knowledge, the vision changes. You have to give yourself permission to be able to allow that vision to change. I think that's really true. I think it's huge. I think for a lot of people, they feel like it has to stay in one place. This is what it is, is what I said it was. I can't change. So I think it's really important to be able to give yourself permission if the vision has changed, if the goal has expanded, if the goal has contracted. Chrystal Hurst, have you ever had a vision and it was a big vision and you got to that vision and you're like, this is too much, this is like having to eat a whole strawberry cake? I love— never mind, okay, I don't want the whole thing, right? Sometimes we don't know until we get there. Sometimes we have overestimated how great something was going to be. We gain new knowledge, we say, that's nice, But having a little more quality time for myself, my family is also nice. So let me rebalance this. So it really is okay. And I think we have to give ourselves permission to change that vision. At the same time, you've got to keep the vision in front of you, whatever the vision is.

It's time to make your mark. Every step creates your legacy. Worship, vision, authentic connection— the tools are here if you're ready. Join women from all over for a weekend curated to change the course of your life. Pause. Hear God. It's time for you to make your mark. I know that there's somebody watching or listening who is thinking, I'm in a dead-end job. I know I don't like it, but I don't know what else I would do. When I've tried to put my resume out there to expand my territory, try different opportunities, looking for will train, it's like, or worse yet, I know what I'd like to do next. I went back to school, I got the degree, and I'm trying to break through another level. Maybe I'm trying to go from being on the team to leading the team and going into management, or maybe I'm I'm trying to make a career pivot, but in my desire to grow, I just feel like I see red lights everywhere. I don't know what I want to do next. Because when you said, when you show up and you show up consistently and somebody's thinking, well, how can I do that if I don't even know, like, you know, what else I'd want to do? Or the person who thinks they do, but every door they knock on is closed. Or it feels that way. I'm always amazed. I have 5 kids. 3 of them are in that late teenage, early 20s spot when I hear them say, "Well, I put in so many applications and I'm just not finding a job." And I'm like, "People are hiring everywhere." And I know that there's an economy issue and all of that. But when I see them and their discouragement, of trying to find something and feeling like they're putting things out there and it's like, it's just not working. And my vantage point, I'll give you a quick example because I want to kind of hear your thoughts about the perspective of it. Sometimes it's true, it's the reality. You are putting out a million resumes and the economy is bad. And sometimes it's the perceived reality. So my, one of my sons was just trying to find something to make some extra money and he was like, Costco pays good. So he put in an application for Costco. And then we went to Costco and I said, hey, I think that's the manager over there. You should go and introduce yourself because when he's going through all the resumes, then yours will stand out. And he was like, well, I don't want to bother him. And I was like, no, this is how the game is played. So it was a perceived red light, you know what I mean? Um, what would you say to the person who feels like, I would move in the direction of green lights if I had green lights, but I don't?

So first of all, when we say, I, I talk in the book about closing a growth gap. So when you just mentioned your son, and that's a, that's a normal one, I think, especially for the younger generation. Yeah. Like, yeah, you want me to go up and talk to from somebody. I'm used to texting. I talk in the book about the fact that we often set goals. We set performance goals. And those are, here are the steps I need to take. But for every performance goal, you've got to have a growth goal. Because it's not the fact that you don't know what steps to take that is the biggest obstacle. It might be the fear that gets in the way. How will you need to grow in order to get to where you want to go? So I think one of the most important things is identifying your growth gaps. You've got to have growth goals that go along with each one of those performance goals. Sometimes it is a matter of us maintaining our consistency and continuing to move forward, right? Getting to a green light means you've got to be moving towards the stoplight. You can't be way back here waiting for the stoplight to come to you. So I think it's not always the timing that lines up with the timing you would like. But sometimes there are some things that we need to do. In your son's case, it might be, hey, I know you're afraid to go chat with that person, but could you choose a new way of looking at this? Right? Just letting them know that you exist and you really would love to work here. I know it's uncomfortable, but if you're willing to stretch out of your comfort zone, that may be the thing that helps you stand out. And the red light becomes a yellow light, and then you get that interview and it's a chance to turn it into a green light. So I think looking at growth gaps is a big piece here and also patience with timing, which isn't fun, but often effective.

That's a part of it. I know you said in that same chapter where you talk about closing the growth gap, performance goals are the vision, but growth goals are the engine. Growth goals are what will get you there. And I think often about, you know, my mom, who would— she wrote a book called Seasons of a Woman's Life. And we were— Chrystal Hurst and I were out to eat with her one day. We were talking about— that became something she would say to us in a matter of conversation. We'd talk about the difficulty with the kids or, you know, challenges in marriage or working things out with career. And she would say, It's just a season. Every woman has seasons in her life. I mean, this was a part of her communication. But she said so many things about what we're trying to achieve or where we're trying to go. It's not even about the finish line. It's about the journey. And that's what I think about when you're talking about growth goals. It's who am I becoming along the way before I ever get to the thing that I thought I was aiming for. And resiliency is such a big part of that. Just as we wrap up, if someone is listening to this and they are thinking that, I thought I understood what resiliency is. I have moved past obstacles. I have tried to focus on my vision. Every year I do my vision board. I keep things in front of me. I have tried to be positive in my language. I have tried to watch my energy and who I'm surrounded by. I have, like Valerie, I'm, you know, I may have even followed you, and I know about Successful Women Think Differently and these different things. But man, I feel like I have used all the tools that I have had thus far or have become aware of in my life, and I'm almost discouraged from the encouragement. Have you ever been there where it's like you're hearing someone talk and there's something about it that you already kind of knew? So hearing it again is like, oh, I've been hearing versions of this and how is this going to help me differently in my life? So for the person who's been doing their best to connect with the concept of resiliency, and own their lives in intentional ways, and they're hearing this message and believe it, but are also discouraged by it because they've really been trying to incorporate this in their lives. What would you say to them about where they are in moving forward and also why your message in this book would be a different set of tools for them to inculcate?

Well, I think it's really important to just acknowledge right where you are. You're already resilient. You wouldn't be here if you weren't resilient already. So we're not talking about you have no resilience, you need to get it. We're talking about setting up a system so resilience becomes easier and easier. If nothing else, as you're making decisions today, I want you to coach yourself with this question: looking back a year from now or a few years from now, what will you wish you had done? And whatever your answer to that question, do that because your future self will thank you. And what will end up happening is you will reduce the likelihood of the challenges that require resilience in the first place. So when you start making more of those preventive choices, your life is set up in a way that there are fewer challenges. Some things we can't avoid, but there are some things we can. And so making those choices that your future self will thank you for is a, I think, a hallmark of resilience. It's so good.

I love that. And I love the permission that you give for the person who's listening to just take care of themselves. Like, instead of charging, do more, get the message, check the tools. Like, before I do any of that, let me just check the energy that I've already expended that got me here and to be kind to myself. As I engage in a system. Valerie, the ability that you have to put things into frameworks that we can use with others or on our own so that we can clearly see where we are and map out how we need to move to where we want to go is just such a such a gift and such a unique thing that you do, and how you marry that with your own authenticity and vulnerability about your life and your story, um, just in my mind really sets you apart as a, a person who can be trusted with the information and also trusted with the, um, with the connection of your real life to Principles That Work. So thank you so much for writing this book for joining me on the podcast to talk about resilience and having the conversation that I know will help many as they try to move forward and live resilient lives.

Chrystal, I appreciate you so much and your friendship. So thank you for this conversation.

Sometimes you just need somebody in your corner. If you're looking for coaching, accountability, and community with women who love God too, The Inner Circle is the place you want to be. Come on in the room.