Chrystal Hurst advises a pastor's wife whose 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Forgiveness is a process: acknowledge the hurt, then choose to love your daughter and grandchild anyway. Shame grows in secrecy, so openness and grace matter more than hiding the pain.
Hi, it's Chrystal Hurst, and it's another Ask Me Anything. Connie wants to know, I'm a pastor's wife. Our 17-year-old daughter gave birth last year to a little boy. I brought up my kids in the church and did everything right. I still get mad sometimes at God and my daughter for this. How do I let it go? Most of my friends don't know about the baby because I'm embarrassed, and I'm embarrassed because I'm embarrassed. Uh, of course, you know, this one hits close to home, and I totally understand how you must feel. While I certainly haven't been the mom, I have been the daughter. Not 17, but I've been that 19-year-old girl. So first of all, here's what I want to say: God was the perfect parent. Adam and Eve had everything they could possibly want, and they still chose to sin. They still chose to sin. Sin is something that regardless of our setup, We get to choose whether or not we choose to obey God. So if that helps a little bit, I want to take the pressure off of parents. Do the best you can, but then know that your kids will have to choose for themselves. That said, the question was, how do I let it go? Honestly, this is a question about forgiveness. The first step to forgiveness is admitting that something was hurtful, admitting that something caused pain, admitting that something was maybe destructive to you emotionally or mentally, and being honest about that. But forgiveness, we know in the Bible it talks about forgiveness being something that Jesus told the disciples they would do 70 times 7, because sometimes it takes the process of saying, you know what, this hurts, but I choose to forgive. You know what, this hurt, but I choose to continue to love my daughter. You know what, this is, this is hard, but I choose to love my grandson. You know what, this is difficult and it's embarrassing,, but I choose to say that the baby is not the mistake. The action, the sin was. So I choose to love anyway. It is a constant choice, a constant laying down of your right to hold on to frustration, to hold on to anger, to hold on to, to, to, to your own right to have gotten things right. Once you understand that it's not necessarily a one and done, then it gives you the freedom to work through it. Forgiveness is something that you have to work through. Listen, I understand embarrassment and I understand shame, but here's what I also know: shame grows in secret. And the more we hide how we feel, the more we hide how we're hurt, the more we hide our forgiveness, hiding that thing only grows a root of bitterness, a root of frustration, a root of fear, and a root of what may end up coming out as unkindness or lack of love or lack of acceptance. And when we think about what God did for us, that despite the fact that we were sinners, Christ died for us. When you think about that, then that should help you, even as a mom who's been hurt, 'cause I understand, to extend grace to your daughter or to anyone in your life who has hurt you. It's not easy. Trust me, I know. Forgiveness isn't easy. But we have a model in Jesus Christ of what it means to offer second chances. And we look like Jesus Christ when we offer second chances, just like he's done for us. Listen, I want to commend you for being there for your daughter. And however you've been there before today, let me encourage you to be there better for her tomorrow, because the glory of God is at stake. And you know what? I believe that you can. Do you have a question? Go to chrystalevanshurst.com/askmeanything.
