When the Holidays Hurt: How to Handle Grief During the Holidays

Hey y'all, ready or not, the holidays are coming. And when you think about the holidays, what's the first emotion that rises up for you? Is it joy or is it something heavier? What's something that the holidays maybe used to bring to you that you feel like you've lost? And if you have feelings about that, if you have an ache about that, where does the ache tend to show up most for you? Is it your schedule? Is it your traditions? Is it your relationships or is it just a deep ache in your soul? The holidays have a way of magnifying whatever is already going on in our hearts. And I want you to be ready for the holidays. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And is it okay to say holidays and the ugly in the same sentence? We keep it real around here. And so we want to talk about what you can do when the holidays actually hurt. All right. So listen, the holidays can have a way for many of us to be amazingly beautiful experiences, to create amazingly wonderful memories. But for many of us, the holidays have a way of really amplifying the feeling of ache that we have. And it reminds us of what what's going on in our hearts like no other season really can. If your life is joyful, then the holidays can make it brighter. But if life is heavy, if you are dealing with pain or sorrow or loss, the holidays can really press in on our bruises. My mom passed away in December of 2019. I remember looking at her and saying, you can't go before Christmas. And she looked at me and she rolled her eyes like, oh my God, I just want to go to heaven and y'all won't let me go. But she did stay until December 30th, and for that I'm so grateful. I walked into her bedroom on Christmas morning with an ornament. She was always such a great gift giver, but the best gifts that she enjoyed giving and the ones she enjoyed receiving were those little thoughtful gifts. She just loved being Mrs. Claus, and when I walked into her bedroom with that little ornament, she just smiled and mowed, "Thank you." I know that it will never be the same for me. Christmas will never be the same because my mother was Mrs. Claus. From the decor to the smells to the music, she just loved bringing the joy in, in the season. And I cannot walk into the Christmas Christmas season without thinking about her. It is because of her that I refuse to put up my tree until December 1st, because her birthday is December 1st, and she always waited until her birthday to put the tree up. And so for the rest of my life, I will remember her. Now, the lights will get put on the house this week, and I may pull down some other things, but that tree, it's not coming up until her birthday. She marked the start of the season, the start of the month, the start of her celebratory attitude with putting up that tree on her birthday. And I will forever honor that tradition because I want to honor her. I do that because I want to have something that makes me smile. There's plenty during the holidays that doesn't want to make me smile— the stress, the schedule, the, the running behind all the things. I'm the memory maker. That's a lot— getting up early, staying up late, wrapping presents, trying to figure out how to stay in my budget. You know, you do all this decorating and then you take it down 3 or 4 weeks later. The cinnamon rolls, the candles, the holiday sales, the Christmas cards, the family picture. It has been stressful for me because in general, holiday celebration is not simple for me. Decor is not my natural MO. And I've always been home with my kids. I was cooking for them 3 times a day anyway. So having to do more during the holidays never seemed like levity. But in this season, I'm choosing to remember her. That does not mean that it comes with all bells and whistles. Sometimes the holidays are simply a reminder of what I don't have anymore. I would go to my mom's house, and she would do everything. And I could bring me and all my kids up there. And curl up on the couch and be loved and cared for and eat the cinnamon pecans that she would always put out on the table and the guacamole. And she would invite me into the kitchen for hot chocolate. And I was just in Starbucks the other day and remembered that's where we would go all the time. We would go shopping or we'd run errands and we'd stop in Starbucks to get a drink. And Starbucks already feels like Christmas. And all I could think about was my mom's not here. Here's what the Bible says, Psalm 34:18, the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. So if your heart is broken, God is right there. So let me talk to you about a few things that might help you during the holidays as you, for whatever the reason is, maybe feel the pain of the way you would like things to be and it's simply not, and maybe will never be again. I want you to know you're not the only person and that you're traveling through the holidays honoring your pain, being honest about where you struggle, being honest about what you do and don't you want to do is a part of you actually living full. Last year, I invited you to spend a week with me dreaming, and we hosted a free Dream Builders Workshop. Well, y'all, a whole year has passed, and I'm excited that we're going to do Dream Builders again. It's time to kick up the dust of your soul so that you can see what you want out of your life and connect with what God wants you to see about what he wants you to get out of your life. I want you to mark your calendar for December 1st. Because I'm gonna meet you early in the morning so we can dream. To get your free Dream Builders Dreaming Guide, simply go to chrystalevanshurst.com/dream. I'll see you on December 1st. The first thing is, as we go into the holiday season, name the pain. It's okay not to be okay. I miss my mom. I will forever miss my mom. I will forever wish she had never had to go home with Jesus, and I will forever lament the fact that I don't get to enjoy the holiday season into her 90s into my 70s having a great time. Grief is real. Many people actually feel guilty for hurting during the holiday season because they're supposed to be joyful. No, give your grief a home. I will tell my children sometimes I'll be in the kitchen cooking, crying. Mom, are you okay? Yeah, I'm making this dish and I'm thinking about Nonnie. Pain doesn't have to make you weak, it just makes you human. And grief is not a lack of faith, it's evidence of loss and love. Jesus himself in John 11:35, he grieved. And grief, as many of you know, can come in waves. And some waves are small and some knock you over. And neither of them is wrong. It's a part of living and sometimes learning to breathe again. Matthew 5:4 says, "You're blessed if you mourn." Because it's the mourning that's a signal to yourself and to other people that you need comforting. If you resist the urge to cry, which I often do, you then do not give permission to people who love you to support you, to give you space, to give you air, to hug you if that's what you need. It's a signal to yourself and to others who love you that you need care. The Message version, I love how it says this verse, you are blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then, when you feel it, can you be embraced by the one most dear to you. Queen Elizabeth II said, grief is the price we pay for love. So yeah, I've got kids and grandkids and there's a lot of powering through of the holiday season that I can do and will do. But here's what I've also learned: grief does not go away. It simply, if you push it down, gains steam to break through. It's like water. It's going to find the path of least resistance, but it will flow. It will come out. So I can cook while I cry. I can go to North Park Mall and think about her and tear up. I can sit in the movie theater and remember what it was to sit with her. And laugh and play and engage. My sister Priscilla is a version of Mrs. Claus. She is the more joyful Pollyanna of the two of us. You get practicality with me, you get fun and cheerleading with her. And so when we go together with my daughter to the mall to hang out, we remember Give yourself permission to feel okay. Give yourself permission to cry. If you're watching this and you feel so moved, think about— name one thing you're grieving this year. And it doesn't have to be a lost person. It can be a lost expectation. Maybe there's an expectation that you need to release of what the holidays would look like so you can cry about it and then maybe breathe freer again. It's okay. To exhale so you can breathe free. Okay? Pain is just a signal. It's just an acknowledgement that you feel a certain way and it's okay to not be okay. The second thing is make space for grace, for nurturing your heart, because grief requires tenderness, not pressure. And it requires you making space in your rhythm of your life for it, because you can't rush it. You can't time it. You can't always plan it and you will not heal by pretending. You'll heal by making space to nurture the tender spot in your soul. And your holiday doesn't have to be perfectly managed to be beautiful. There is often the thing that we do in BSF when we sit around Bible Study Fellowship, if you need a great Bible study, you should do that. But BSF is a place where you sit in a circle, you discuss God's word, you don't talk about your church, you don't talk about politics. You are in a room with women you do not know, but there's a principle of being in the circle with this woman that there's always an empty chair so that a guest can come in or maybe somebody who's leading the Bible study can come in and sit there's always an empty chair. This idea that at the table we always leave room for someone. And one year when my grandfather died, my mother decorated his spot, put a picture of him in his place, and she said, this is Grandpa's seat. Maybe what you need to do is leave an empty chair for the person who's no longer there. Maybe you need to leave empty space, white space in your life for the emotion that you feel about the expectation that hasn't been met. If the absence feels loud, give it room. Because if you try to fill the emptiness sometimes with a new thing, that doesn't always work. You've got to know when it's time to leave the empty chair, figuratively or literally, and when it's time to fill it, fill it with a new tradition, fill it with a new space, fill it with a new person. It's okay to rest in remembering the grace that you need, um, is available to you. But you do have to give it room to breathe. There have been years where I've given myself permission, permission to simplify. Simple meals, simple decor, a simpler schedule, to enjoy simple peace. And while grief doesn't always leave, I can make room for it in a way that doesn't stretch my heart beyond its capacity. Identify your emotional capacity, know your bandwidth. And sometimes the reason why we learn our bandwidth is because we bump into the wall. We literally know that we went too far because our heart just can't take it. So I want to encourage you to create space, to create space for the grace that you need to nurture your heart. I want to encourage you to pay attention to how you're doing, how you're feeling, and to create a comfort ritual. You know, uh, for me, that's me and my sister and my daughter. We go to lunch at one of my mother's favorite places. We do that and it's just the three of us. So we can talk about her, talk about the tea and say the thing where, you know, Nonni would've said, you know, it's all of that. We create space, create space. It might be a small memory keeping practice, lighting a candle, saying a prayer, making a donation, keeping a journal, making bread. It could be talking to a friend about it, seeing your counselor and talking about it, but create space. 1 in 5 adults experience heightened grief symptoms during the holiday. Psychology Today. Says that. The American Psychological Association says 40% of the women that exist report that December is their most emotionally stressful month. So, even if you don't have anything hard, join the ranks of all the girls who are doing all the things and stressed out, overwhelmed, or sad in the season. Make space for your heart. Make space for grace for you. We girls just need time. Time to get away, time for a little quiet, time to be still, time to quiet the noise. And this is why I put on any event that I do, to give the girls, including me, time. 2026, that time looks like being on a cruise for a long period of time so you can actually inhale long enough to hear the heartbeat of your soul and laugh and have a good time in the sun. I want you to join me on the Sister Circle Cruise. It's April 26th through May 1st. May 3rd, and you can find out more by going to thesistercircle.com/cruise. I hope you make space for you and join me there. But also, keep your eyes on the light, right? Notice the hope that God can meet you in the middle of the most painful circumstances. Because the whole thing about Christmas is about hope. It's not that everything is perfect. It's not that everything is right. It's not that everything gets fixed. It's that in the middle of the mess, in the middle of a major Jesus arrives. Did you understand that? That a manger is a horrible place for a baby to be born. It's stinky. It's nasty. I mean, animal dung is around. No place to stay. That's called, "We don't even have enough money to give birth to this baby." That's called, "We are begging for a handout so that we can give birth to the Son of God." And Jesus arrives in the middle of mayhem. Did you know that the hope can arise in the middle of mayhem? Listen, I know the money is short. I know that the government shutdown has affected many people who are now just playing catch-up. I understand that the year has been bad. I know that thousands of people have been laid off of their jobs. In the middle of the mayhem, in the quiet space, in the private arena, you and Jesus, there is hope. So don't bail on Jesus. Just because things are a little junky. The holidays may not look like you want it to, and it may not look the same as it always has been, but God is the same, and God is hope. Romans 5:5, hope will not disappoint. And comfort, the comfort that God wants to give does not mean there's the absence of pain or that there's not grief or that there's not a struggle. It simply means that he's in it, and your healing season can go through mayhem seasons. It can be gradual and quiet and surprising and include the journey through the hidden places. It's, it's kind of like, you know, me leaving the light on in my kitchen. I have this one light I like to leave on in my kitchen, and the whole house is dark. But if I need to move from my bedroom to another area of the house, the small light in the kitchen guides me. It's all the light I need. It's not all the light, it's all the light I need. And in this season, when you're dealing with pain or grief or loss or loneliness, don't shirk on God. Crack open your Bible, read a proverb, read a psalm, pray, ask for help, but keep reaching out because in the middle of the chaos, he is there. In fact, Psalm 147:3 says, he heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. But if my children who scratch their finger or get a cut or hurt themselves and they're bruised, are bleeding, and they don't come to me so that I can, yes, put the hydrogen peroxide on it and make sure it's clean, and yes, put a Band-Aid on it or Neosporin if it's prone to infection— if they don't come to me to bandage their wounds, to bind up the brokenness They're not accessing everything that's available. Come. Hope is not the absence of darkness. It's the belief that light is still coming, that healing is still available. And that means you have to come. I'm reminded to tell you to come, to be in the right place, to hear the right message, to be in community with other people that can pray for you, celebrate you. Grieve with you. And there's a lot, you know, that we do in front of these episodes before they're released to everybody else. But I let you all see, Inner Circle girls, behind the curtain a little bit, right? So you don't just see the nice buttoned-up version of the Sister Circle Podcast, you see the making of the Sister Circle Podcast. I let you in. That's exactly what God is like. You perform for everybody else, but let me in. You're ready when you go to church, but let me in. You're showing up at work composed, and maybe you had to escape to the bathroom to let out a tear, but let me in. I know that you are the gathering person for your family. I know they cannot live without your mac and cheese, but let me in. And then let them in too. The connection and the communication and the community that you would desire means people have to see behind the curtain. And sometimes it's in letting people see behind the curtain that you find the joy you're looking for. Not that it displaces the grief, but it comes alongside of the grief so that someone's kindness, the laughter, the community, even just the opportunity to engage in being in the same room with people who will fight for you if you need it. Let people behind the curtain so they actually know the whole story. Look for small glimmers of light each day. It's super important that you lean into comfort and hope, that you look for it from God, that you look for it from your people. But I just want to remind you that you don't have to pretend. Let the loss, let the expectations, the disappointment— let it, let it out. The holidays is not just about all the shiny glitter. It can be about the pain too. You don't have to pretend in the season. You don't have to manufacture joy. You don't have to get over anything to be loved well by God because he sees your grief anyway. So stop hiding. Let him fully behind the curtain. And he honors your tears. In fact, collects them in a bottle. He comes close, not when life is perfect, but especially when life is painful. I want you to remember that he created your soul to feel. And if the holidays bring up feelings that you normally can deal with, you normally can control, you normally don't feel as deeply— feel them. In fact, engage with them. Put on your onesie and sit there and watch the Hallmark thing and get your tissue and cry. Or a friend of mine one time, she said, you know, can we just get together and remember our moms? Yes, we literally went to coffee and just talked about missing our moms during the holidays. Like, invite it in. It makes you human. It makes you feel. It makes you powerful. Because the people that have experienced and that share sometimes the most powerful joy have the deepest pain. It's because your soul is expanded that it helps you to live as an expanded, full person. The holidays may hurt. But when the emotions rise up, let them. The holidays may hurt, but when you remember what you've lost, remember that you're loved. And remember that you get to create something new if you so desire. When the ache shows up, pay attention to why it's showing up and what does that mean about your life and your experiences. And lean into hope. Because if there's ever a season where you're supposed to lean in to hope, it's now. It's now. This is the time of year when we celebrate and remember hope has come. And the pain that you feel, because death is whack, it's not in the normal order of things, that is not what God had in mind when he created Adam and Eve. So loss will hurt, but when it does, remember you're not alone physically, but also spiritually. Most importantly, spiritually, you're not alone. But because I know many of you feel that way, and because we feel the pain, I do want to close by praying for you. Okay. Lord, I just thank you so much for every person who's watching this, who is going to feel the hurt of the holidays. My prayer, Lord, is that you would meet us all where it hurts the most, that you would teach us how to be human, let the tears fall, feel the pain, talk about it, and still choose to place our hope in you. Let us remember that even when you came, it wasn't perfect. Even when you came, it was painful. Even when you came, there was high alert emotionally because You know, Pharaoh is on the lookout for us. Satan is roaming to seek who he may devour. And in our pain and in our distress, we are vulnerable. Lord, take the most vulnerable of us in our hearts, in our emotions, in our souls, and minister to us this season. May we, whether it's in the chat for those who are watching the video publicly or in the chat for those who watched it before when it was being recorded, Lord, help us to be a group of women who, because we love you and we understand the concept of being sisters in the same circle, of honoring Jesus, that we know what it is and choose to support, love, and care for one another. Give those of us who have a mind to serve and to comfort others eagle eyes to see who needs it. And then, Lord, would we be stronger because we learn how to be comfortable with our soulfulness on our sleeve, even when that includes sadness. We love you. We thank you. We're grateful for you. Help us to learn to lean even when life hurts. Even during the holidays. Help our hearts to stay tender and soft even as we serve you. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.