Stop Shrinking to Fit - The Cost of Hiding Who You Really Are with Holly Danko

Let me start with something most leaders won't admit out loud. A lot of us spend years, sometimes decades, trying to shrink ourselves just to fit a room. You change how you talk. You change how you dress. You change how you show up, all because you think it's the only way to succeed. And it works until it doesn't. Today's episode is about what happens when the version of you that everyone else expects finally collides with the version of you that's been waiting to come out. And the truth is that moment can literally break you or it can rebuild you. I'm talking to someone who lived this in one of the toughest places to do it, the finance world, and who rebuilt her entire leadership style from the inside out. By the end of this episode, you'll learn why hiding your identity drains your confidence, how the brain reacts when you're pretending, what anxiety is actually trying to tell you, and how authenticity turns into a real leadership advantage. So, if you've ever felt like you had to tone yourself down just to survive, stay with us. Welcome to the NeuroLeadership Edge, brain science for bold leaders ready to master their mind and own their voice. I'm your host, Claire Hayek, NeuroLeadership expert, ex-engineer, lifelong musician, and the founder of Mind Soul Purpose team building. My guest today is Holly Danko, Head of People at Yieldmo. Holly is a strategic and results-driven people and HR executive who blends a deep background in finance and operations with a passion for building human-centered, high-performing workplaces. She spent more than 15 years working across finance, operations, startups, and high-growth tech, leading transformations in how companies hire, onboard, develop, and keep top talent. And she shines in those inflection points when companies are scaling fast or going through real cultural change, the moments when people's strategy actually matters most. What makes Holly's story stand out is this. She spent a decade as the only woman in the room, shrinking herself to fit the environment. And today, she leads with authenticity, empathy, and a full sense of who she is. Her journey is powerful, relatable, and honest. And a lot of you are going to hear pieces of your own story Hi, Holly. Welcome to the show.

Hi, Claire. Thanks for having me.

Thanks for coming and joining us. We're very interested in your story. And so let's dive right in. Take us back. So you spent more than 10 years in traditional finance, the only woman in the room, hiding parts of who you were just to survive. Totally relate to that, by the way. And I'm sure a lot of our audience can too, unfortunately. But it's a reality and we need to talk about it. And this is what we're doing. And why we're doing it. So what was that world like for you? What did it teach you? What did it cost you?

Sure. So I grew up on the East Coast and right out of college, I went into somewhat traditional finance. It was specialty finance. And as you mentioned, I was the only woman in the room. And additionally, I was young. I was straight out of college. So I, in my own mind, was very impressionable. I I'm type A. I am highly driven, highly results-oriented. So I wanted to do whatever it took to succeed. And looking back, I always joke that I was taught today, in my mind, all of the wrong things to do. So I, it was an experience. I loved it in a lot of ways. There were many, many great things, but at the same time, I very much learned how to not be myself. Uh, you see the stereotypical, you know, finance memes out there. You know, I'm sure a lot of your viewers, uh, have seen the movie Boiler Room, and it was exactly like that. We were encouraged, uh, to wear, you know, black suits and, you know, not have color. We were encouraged to basically bury any kind of empathy we had. And at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered was results. And part of that still is within me today. As I mentioned, I'm a very results-oriented leader. But I would like to say today I'm much more well-rounded and have a lot more empathy than I used to. Yeah.

I mean, you know, obviously you do. And this is why we're so interested in the story, because a lot of people don't talk about it. But it's actually very surprising how many of us have gone through it. I mean, some of you that already know, obviously an ex-engineer and worked 25 years in engineering. And when I started, when I first started out, exactly like you said, Holly, you know, you're just trying to fit in. You just want to blend in. And that's okay. You know, that's the brain's goal to keep us alive. You know, you just want to blend in with the herd. You know, you just want to be accepted. But the thing that we don't talk about At what point, you know, you tell yourself, okay, is this really me? And what is the price of being authentic? Why am I scared? What is stopping me from being authentic? And the thing is, it's very hard because you're trained that way. There's a certain role. There's a certain facade you need to show. And again, what happens in the brain is just that it's overworking. When you're not showing up as yourself, your brain is basically burning the energy trying to maintain that facade, that mask. The constant monitoring, is this okay? Am I too much? Am I too little? Am I not enough? It basically drains you, drains your clarity, drains the confidence. So, let's keep going here. Obviously, something's changed. Something changed along the way. You made a full pivot. You went, I believe, from finance to people leadership. We know that you do. You work with people now. And from pretty much trying to blend in by shrinking yourself to actually showing up as yourself. Tell me what really pushed that shift. What moment made you say, I'm done. I'm done pretending.

Sure. So, as you mentioned, I did make a hard pivot from finance and operations over to people. That moment was a turning point for me and for my career. So I was asked to lead a mass layoff as, as head of operations at one point in my career. And I had no people experience prior to that. And I came in as the person to basically to execute, to make sure we got the job done correctly. As part of that, I started to do research to understand, well, how do you do this? You know, not only from a legal perspective and an HR perspective, but how do you do this from a human perspective?

Right.

So I learned a lot, not only from that moment, but from everything that came after that, from making sure that we retain the right people and we incentivize them correctly and we create a culture where they can thrive. And it was during that moment that I was asked to take over as head of people at the company. And it's truly something that never crossed my mind. If you asked me 20 years ago if I would be leading people, I probably would have laughed at you, but it. opened me up to so many, so many different things that I've never, uh, I was never exposed to. I was always exposed to like financial strategy and spreadsheets and again, just numbers. And it opened me up to learning about humans and how we operate and how emotions work. And it started this journey for me where I had to reflect upon myself. And I truly realized that, you know, for the years prior to that, I was burying who I was and that's what I was doing.

Hmm.

Trains to do.

Right. So, so if we're to say that that was really the moment that making that shift in your career really forced you in a way to reflect, to pause and reflect and say, okay, well, I'm done. I can't be, you know, I can't be that person. I need to be who I am because if I'm gonna be working with people and managing people and The job itself is human-related, human connection. I need to be connected with myself in order to be able to lead people and have that connection with them, I'm assuming. I mean, I'm just interested in what clicked, like that moment of realization for you.

Yeah, you assume correctly. Yeah. When you're ahead of people, again, not only are you doing just the pure HR strategy and operations that come with it, but I'm connecting with people. I am the person who's in between our team members and our company, and I am hearing their stories. I am hearing their points of views. I'm getting to know them. And you realize that a company is not just numbers on paper. It's made up of all of these unique and interesting and challenging individuals. And they all have, um, Just like I do, just like you do, we all have our own personal lives and pasts and goals. And I realized from talking to our team members, how much that plays into business and how much it's important to be aware of that when you're working in a company and you are trying to meet your goals at the end of the day. So as I was doing that and talking to, talking to team members and hearing their stories, I started thinking, what's my story?

Right.

You know, I've been just, you know, this person, you know, Still dressing in black and white, clearly. But, you know, I've been this person who just had this playbook for many, many years. And it gave me the time to sit down and think about who I really am and what's important to me and what my values are.

Yeah, I make— and it makes sense. You know, actually, this is kind of the moment a lot of people miss sometimes. You didn't really change careers. You, in a way, you change identity or you really started leading from your actual experience, your actual story, your actual values from who you are when you are working with people. When your job is bringing even closer to people and that human connections. And the thing is like leaders miss that sometimes because when you do that as a leader, you don't just perform better. People trust you faster because they can finally feel you. Like, who are you? We know you. And the minute that they connect at that level, then it's just a whole different ballgame. And sometimes, we look at it as more of a, I can't. I gotta hide that. But it's actually the opposite because people respond to the mirror neurons and they feel that if you're really being open and authentic, They can be open and authentic. People may not know if you're not being authentic or if you're hiding part of yourself. But something will be off. They'll feel something is off. And it might translate differently from one person to another. Let's say, for example, somebody that's more highly emotionally intelligent will probably sense it more than somebody that is not. But at the end of the day, it's all good. And it's so good for you to do it. So, why not? Why not just dive in? That should really be taught. out of school. But I understand, you know, and I'm not comparing age here. But back in my days, Oh yeah. I graduated in '97. There was nothing, nothing in university that taught you any of that vulnerability, opening yourself up, being authentic. Yet, they either assumed that you will be or they just completely took it for granted. So, you just did what you did. I mean, you did what you had to And just to keep yourself alive in a new environment, for instance, when you start a job, right?

Completely agree. And I think what a lot of people still to this day get wrong is that these aren't mutually exclusive. Like you can lead with vulnerability and authenticity and empathy, and also still run a very successful, high-performing team. When you're able to understand people and you're able to understand what motivates them and the challenges that they have. You're able to, and it sounds bad, but you're able to leverage that and make sure you put people on the right projects and give them the things that motivate them and drive them and fit their needs in their life of where they're at today. And I think that's what a lot of people get wrong when they hear words like empathy and authenticity. It sounds very soft, but the two go hand in hand. And that's what I always try to get through to people that I'm working with and leadership teams that I'm working with as well.

Yeah, yeah. And something really interesting happens in the brain when you are operating from that, from vulnerability, from openness, from empathy, from— I'm gonna say the word love because it's like, oh my God, I can't believe you dropped the word, the L word, love, you know. But it is. And it's huge because forget about woo-woo talk, okay? If we just talk brain science, When you are connected to those elements, you are completely in your wiser self. You're operating from a whole different level in your brain. The center that is basically open, empathetic, that connects better. It gives you— basically, your brain is completely thriving. It's not signaling cortisol and all the bad hormones and neurotransmitters. It's signaling more oxytocin and dopamine. And your energy is completely different and people will feel it. And that will actually help their brain and their body release these great chemicals as well. So, it's not just, oh, you know, it's woo-woo talk. No, no, it's brain science. It's biology. It's science. And it works. And for some reason, That was always taught as a sign of weakness. But it's not. It's actually the exact opposite. And the thing is, is because a lot of people haven't really worked on that. And when it comes to business, it's not professional. It has nothing to do with it. You can still be professional and be completely empathetic. But anyway, that's a whole different conversation. And I love how all these episodes and this talk opens up More possibilities for new subjects and new episodes for discussion. But let me bring us back here. You shared something important that when you finally took time off, instead of relaxing, you hit extreme anxiety. This is really interesting, and I really want to dive dive deep into this if you're willing to dive deep with it in it with me. I'm really curious, and I want to know what was going on for you during that time, and what did you learn about who you really were?

Sure. So backtrack, you know, again, 15 years ago at that point, I went to school, I worked, and not only, you know, I wasn't working a 9 to 5, I was working, you know, a 9 to 9. I was traveling. Uh, one of my jobs, I literally had a suitcase packed in my car because that's how often I traveled. I would have to go to the airport and fly out with a moment's notice.

Amazing.

So I spent many, many years doing that and truthfully burning the candle at both ends. So, uh, I decided I was going to take some time off in my career the first time I'd have ever was able to do that. And I had this dream, I had this dream I was going to go travel the world and I was going to take cooking classes and art classes, you know, and just take some time off to recharge. And I did do some of that. I had, you know, I had some travels, I took some classes. That part was wonderful. What I did not expect was to have anxiety during that time. And I now in hindsight can look back and understand what it was, but I think there's a few things. One is I very much identified with my career. You know, if you met me at a restaurant and you asked me who I was, I would probably give you my career first before I told you anything else about me. So it was a huge part of my identity. Uh, the second thing is I'm very Type A, you know, I'm someone who lives with a constant like goal sheet and to-do list. And when you have this hard stop of moving, uh, moving away from that, it's kind of like you hit a wall. It's like, wait, who am I? What's my purpose? And it was a little bit of an existential crisis, but one where I look back and I realize, again, it was a huge learning point for me. I learned I learned who I am. I relooked at my values. I, you know, learned a lot, I think more about psychology than I knew as well. And it's something that I wouldn't trade for the world. It was a hard period of time, but I feel like I learned a lot and I'm thankful for that.

Yeah. And it's very interesting. I'm glad we're talking about this. I think a lot of people suffer from anxiety and we're just, I think we, you know, I hear about it more and more. People are talking about this, and it's great because it was always so taboo, and you couldn't really talk about anything because again, sign of weakness, etc. So I'm glad we're actually demystifying the whole hey, we're not perfect. We all have feelings, and we all have these emotions or negative emotions that or negative thoughts that pretty much spiral us down. And it's not the end of the world. It's not the enemy. It's an alarm. It's a way to go, oh, I gotta look at that. I can't hide this anymore or pretend it's not there. So let's take a look. Although it's scary, I'm still gonna take a look and try to understand why, what's happening, and how can I make this better? What can I learn from it? Absolutely. Yeah. And again, that's how we grow, right? So I guess a little tip, well, just for for anybody listening right now, if you are, if you feel that, you know, anxiety is creeping in, usually something is probably misaligned within you and the external world. You're going through something, something is not definitely not coherent within yourself. Sometimes it's as simple as stopping and let your brain process that threat, right? Because anxiety is kind of like an alarm. And just ask yourself, what part of my life feels misaligned right now? It could be as simple as just asking that question. And what that does, it's going to pull you out of that panic and back into— let's just back into our prefrontal cortex, our brain CEO, going through it and, and writing it down and trying to understand a little bit. Of course, therapy would be great, but we can also do our own therapy. And it gives your brain direction instead of just spinning out of control and dramatizing everything. Just let's take a look at it. Let's put our finger on it. Hopefully that helps some of you listening right now. My God, time is flying by, but I do have another question for you. So I'm just curious to know, how has all of this— you know, there's a lot going on there, you know, in the story, you know, the hiding, then the pivot, then you got the anxiety and then the growth. So how did all of that shape who you are today, the leader you are today? And what do you wish more leaders understood when they're going through uncertainty, pressure, or a major, major change?

Sure. For me, I think all of that made me a more authentic and true leader. I lead with empathy today. But I haven't lost everything that we just mentioned. Again, being goal-oriented and results-driven. I love that balance. And early on I had one side of that, but I didn't have the other side.

Right.

So, you know, throughout this journey, I feel very thankful that now, you know, I have the knowledge and also the experience of going through that where I can connect with others. Uh, I feel more educated and I could blend that with my previous experience. So I feel much more well-rounded and I wasn't even aware that I, that I was lacking that previously. So I'm really thankful.

Yeah.

And I always say, you know, I always encourage other leaders just to keep humanity in mind. And I know that sounds so simple, but you're often, you know, in work, in day-to-day, and you're so focused on the task at hand. And it's easy to forget that you're working and dealing with people, and every person has their own unique challenges. So take a moment, connect with your team, connect with the people that you're working with, And just be human. And that's what I always try to remind people to do. And it's easier said than done.

I know. I think we all try, right? I think a lot of us try and we probably apply this quite often. But I think there's certain situations where sometimes people feel disconnected because we're so bombarded. The environment is kind of going crazy around us. So usually, We self-sabotage. Just, you know, our brain basically is trying to keep us alive. So we're not really self-aware of what's going on. That affects other people that we're not present with ourselves and we're definitely not present with others because we're not focused. We're not coherent anymore. We're just being driven by panic and chaos around us. And the idea is not about being perfect and calm all the time under pressure. We're human. We're human beings. You know, we're not perfect. But the idea is if you build that mental fitness, then it's not about just always being perfect. It's about when you do fall into that trap and forget, maybe you disconnect, you're able to bounce back much quicker. And that's what I always talk about, that ability to be able to bounce back and think clearly under pressure and make the right decisions and bring yourself back to your authentic self. Much quicker, and that's literally gray matter that you built a muscle in your brain. So it's something that you actually do. It's not just random, and it's just from experience. It's something you can you can literally like flex that bicep every day with little tools and exercises in order to build that ability. Some people call it resilience, but you know how do you define resilience? Unfortunately, resilience is always you know when you hear somebody's like oh my god you're so resilient when There's always a thing, you know. There's always, unfortunately, you know, I survived cancer. I had a big accident or I lost somebody or there was always a shock, a trauma or something that made you hit a wall and stop and think and change things, you know. But it doesn't have to be that way. That's the good news that I'm trying to say, by the way, in case somebody missed it. You don't have to get to that point. You can develop this. right now in order to help you deal with these things and become resilient, consciously aware— awareness, resilience awareness— and build it from the inside out. If you scan the code here on screen, and you can see it also under the comment if you're listening to this, uh, do go under my Linktree and click on the link for the masterclass, Mental Fitness Masterclass. It's all detailed there. If you have any questions, please do reach out. That's literally a masterclass that I poured all my energy, my heart, my soul, my passion, and all my knowledge in it in order to help develop that mental fitness and that resilience. And by bringing it also to the surface by inviting, you know, guests like you, Holly, it's a great way to show that, you know, we're only human and we can only grow. So I do appreciate you sharing your story and Pretty much, the days of performing leadership are done. People don't want that version. People want the real version, the real you. A quite interesting subject, let me tell you. So, let's jump into the rapid fire. I'm gonna ask you 3 quick questions, 3 quick answers. Are you ready?

I'm ready. Let's do it. Okay.

So, if you can share one book, one talk, a podcast, conference, that changed how you see leadership or how you lead or that changed you in a way, what would it be?

I would say Adam Grant's book, Think Again. I'm a huge fan of everything that Adam Grant does, but especially that book.

Oh, I'm gonna check this out. All right. A daily habit that keeps you grounded?

Getting outside. I try to start every single day, even if it's just walking in my backyard, with getting a little sunlight, a little fresh air before I start the day.

Wonderful. That's recharging. That's what we call it in mental fitness. That's great.

And you're doing it.

One last one, a hard truth about hiding who you really are. Somebody out there is listening and is going through this. What do you have to say about that?

It'll catch up to you. You could only do it for so long before it catches up.

Yeah, I bet we all kind of know it, right? In a way, those of us who experienced it for sure. Thanks so much, Holly, for sharing this. Again, everybody listening or watching this, if you want tools to stay calm, to build that mental fitness, to operate in confidence under pressure, you can scan the code that is here on the screen or check the comments to join the Mental Fitness Masterclass where I dive deep into that through 4 modules. I'll stop there and let you explore further. Again, scan that code and check the link in the comments. And Holi, I would love to hear Some last words from you before we wrap this up?

I would just like to say thanks, Claire. I loved being on this podcast and I'm a big fan of everything that you're doing and I wish more people talk about this. So thank you for having me. It's been, it's been a pleasure to be here.

Oh, it was a pleasure having you. And please, if you know somebody that needs to listen to this, to listen to Holly's story, to listen to this episode, period, do follow, subscribe. And share this episode. Sometimes, you don't know what's happening or people are going through. And if this can help change somebody's path or let them reflect further on this by listening to Holi's story, then do share. Stay human, lead boldly, and turn every challenge into a gift. Holi, thank you so much for coming here and talking about all this openly and trusting us and being vulnerable with us and really sharing it. Thank you. I do appreciate it. Definitely don't take that for granted. It takes a lot of courage. Thank you so much.