Who You’re Being Changes Everything

Let me ask you something. Have you ever noticed how when you're under pressure and you're under stress, you keep reacting the same way even though you know better? You've read the books, you've done the workshop, you've done the actual work, you've reflected, reset, recommitted, refocused. You took a couple of workshops. And yet, when pressure hits, when the stakes are high, When the room is tense, when everybody's staring at you, when the decision actually matters, you default pretty much to the same tone, same hesitations, same overthinking, same control pattern, same self-doubt. It's not that you lack discipline. It's just identity. And today, We're going to talk about why your brain protects you, basically your current identity, and is more overprotective over this identity more than your goals. And what that really means for how you lead under pressure. Welcome to the NeuroLeadership Edge. I'm Claire Hayek. I work with executives and leadership teams who operate under pressure, under complexity, and uncertainty, and constant change. I help them think better under stress to make clear decisions, lead with authority, and stay human while doing it. This is mental fitness for real leadership. So let's get into it. So there's a moment that happens for many of us. Sometimes it's at the start of a new year. Sometimes it's after a promotion. Sometimes it's after a hard conversation, a missed opportunity, or a quiet aha moment. Basically, you look around and think, I've grown, but something hasn't really moved. I'm carrying more responsibility, but I'm still kind of reacting the same way. I'm capable more than this. You know it. And you're saying this to yourself. That moment isn't about just setting new goals or better goals. It's really about identity. Because the way you lead isn't driven by what you want. And more even specifically, the way you lead under pressure, under stress, is not driven. It's not conditioned to just because you know what you want, what you decided you wanted. It's really driven by who your brain believes you are. It's the brain running the show. So your brain has a working definition of you. Not who you aspire to be, not who you are on your best day, but who you are under stress. And that identity lives in your nervous system. And its primary job is not growth, success, ambition, et cetera. Its job is predictability. And safety. Its job is to keep you alive. So from a neuroscience perspective, this matters because your brain is constantly asking one question: what do I need to be to survive this? And survival to the brain means something that's familiar, not a new behavior. It's a familiar behavior. Do you see how this works? Let's talk about what's happening biologically. First, your default mode network, DMN. This is the system that reinforces your autopilot, the usual sense of who you are. It runs in the background, especially when you're tired, stressed, or overloaded. It's like literally you're running on autopilot. Now, under pressure, under stress, it pulls you back to what's known, the familiar. That's your DMN. Second, your reticular activating system. That's the RAS. This is your brain's filter. It shows you evidence that confirms who you already believe you are. Now, this is important. Write this down. It shows you evidence that confirms who you already believe you are. Okay? So, if your identity is, I'm the responsible one, you'll notice risk more than opportunity. Your brain is going to help you see what you're telling it to see. It's going to filter out everything else and it's just going to show you. It's going to basically show you the risk more than the actual opportunity if you're being responsible. Now, if you're being the controller, if it's, I need to stay in control, you'll notice the threats before collaboration. The brain will focus on the threats because you want to stay in control. If it is, I can't afford to mess this up, if you're in that, if this is who you're being, you're being careful. And you're telling yourself, I can't afford to mess this up. I can't screw this up. You notice everything that actually could go wrong. You're being the hypervigilant. And of course, then there's the amygdala. A lot of you know what the amygdala is. I talk a lot about the amygdala. So your amygdala is in the back of the brain. It's basically the, the, the part of the brain that manages fresh emotions. Feelings and the fight or flight, pretty much. When you're frustrated and you're angry, that's your amygdala pretty much in action. So your amygdala doesn't— it doesn't make a difference between physical danger and an identity threat, for instance. So it's— remember, it's the fight or flight, the amygdala. That's what it serves for. So So, when you try to change how you lead or how to behave or how to react, for instance, you know, you want to speak up more clearly. You want to delegate more. Do you want to be even more bold and take a bolder position? Your brain can interpret that as danger. The amygdala goes, danger, danger. Be careful now. And the thing is, it's not because it's wrong. The brain is not wrong. The only difference is that what you're trying to do, which is different from what you usually do, is signaling to the brain an unfamiliar behavior signals danger. And then you fire up your amygdala, which is fight or flight. It brings us to willpower. Okay, a lot of people's like, yeah, but you know, I can will myself through this, etc. Let me tell you why willpower fails and why it doesn't hold under pressure. You can decide logically in your head to lead differently. But when pressure hits, stress hits, your nervous system pretty much takes over. So this is why you may say things like— I'm sure many of you can relate to this— you can say things like, I don't know why I reacted that way. I knew better. I know better. But in that moment, I 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Or you could say, I promised myself I wouldn't do this again, and I fell back into that trap. So nothing really went wrong. Don't be so hard on yourself. Nothing really went wrong. Your brain did a great job, which is it did exactly what it was trained to do. Your brain did exactly what it was trained to do. Now, I personally know this work deeply because I've lived it. Not like a theoretical concept. But it was literally a necessity. I've led teams, built companies, stood on stages, and carried responsibilities, many responsibilities, in moments where there was no room to fall apart. I had to hold it together. And I've seen again and again that leadership doesn't break down because people don't care. It breaks down Because their identity under pressure hasn't been trained. Insight alone, theories, skills development doesn't change that. Training does. Your identity is not who you are. Your identity is a neural pattern in your brain. It's a set of conditioned responses built over time to keep you safe, accepted, and functional in this world. And neural patterns can be updated. So a lot of people think they're hardwired a certain way. We are not hardwired. Our brain is neuroplastic. That means it could reinvent itself. It could rewire itself with a new pattern. This is the beauty of this. But this cannot be just rewired because you're motivated like, oh my God, yes, I'm just going to rewire my brain. I'm going to train my brain. I'm going to change my neural patterns. This can only be done through mental fitness. And let me explain. So mental fitness might sound something really ambiguous to many of you, although I talk about it a lot. And if you follow this podcast, you'll know a little bit more about it, actually a lot more about it. But let me just assume that you have no idea what mental fitness is. So let me just explain to you what that looks like in real leadership terms. Okay, that means you're training your brain to— this is mental fitness now. Okay, you're training your brain to stay present when uncertainty is all over the place. Okay, you're training your brain to pause Before reacting. You're training your brain to hold your authority without taking control, just by being present and grounded. You are training your brain to make decisions without over-identifying with the outcomes. They're not conditional on the outcomes. You are training your brain To also stay grounded when the stakes are high. I'm not saying you should become someone else. That's not what I'm saying. It's about removing that barrier that keeps pulling you back to your old patterns when you're under pressure, when the stress is really high. So that is mental fitness. That's mental training. Now, I want you to think about this. Who do you become when the stakes are high? Who do you become when the stakes are high? I'm not talking about when you're having a really fun, calm day where everything's just clicking, everything's working. This is not when everything is going really well. This is when you need to make a decision when you're not comfortable Making it. This is when there's a really tense conversation, or time is of the essence, or the expectations are high, and everybody's staring at you. Okay, now who do you become? Who do you who are you being during those times? Now that version, think of that version is just the version. Your brain knows best. You shouldn't be ashamed of it. It's not a flaw. It's not like I want to make it better. It's not about that. It's just rewiring, changing the pattern. Okay? And this can be trained. This is the beauty of it. So it's all positive, right? This is all positive. But the first step is really realizing what's happening in order to be able to be And show up in the right mindset as the best high potential that we can be, our best self. As we move forward, whether this is the start of something new, a new role, or simply a moment of reassessment, here's what I want you to take with you. Okay. Leadership doesn't change when circumstances change. It changes when your nervous system does. Who you're being changes when your nervous system does. It also changes when you rewire these patterns, when you build new habits. Now, when I say this can be trained, there's a whole bunch of ways that we could do this. If you are interested in more information, Please click on that, you know, scan that QR code that you see here on screen or go to the comments and click my Linktree. You'll see a bunch of links where you could have a bit more information about the mental fitness program and the mental fitness masterclass that I currently have online and available for you to watch whenever you want. And I really walk you through every single step of how to do that. Now, I just want you to know from this episode, my goal is for you to understand that who you are being is extremely important and really shapes who you become and the future that follows. So if you want, if you're not happy with certain behaviors, if you're just tired of playing small and you want to Really play at a higher level. You want to be the best version of yourself you can be. And as we move forward, whether this is what's motivating you is a start of something new, a new role, or simply you're just tired of being that old self and being triggered, right? Or you maybe simply— it's just a moment of reassessment or reflection, which I highly encourage to do every now and again, for sure. Here's what I want you to take with you. Leadership doesn't change when the circumstances around you change. It changes when your nervous system does. So, it really all stems from the nervous system. And your clarity, your authority, your presence under pressure, that is the edge. And that's what we'll keep building here. This podcast actually was to help you, help professionals, leaders, founders, execs, teams to be able to not only learn about mental fitness and learn about how they could play at the level they were always meant to play and step into their power. But it's also meant for me to invite experienced professionals and leaders that have gone through these moments of high pressure and changed, that transformed them in a way, and learned a thing or two and applied certain principles that really worked. This is what it's all about. And I surely hope that this episode made you just stop and think. Only if, if just for a moment, if it helped you think. About who you're being, who you're being on a daily basis, who you're being with your colleagues, who you're being with your teams, who you're being at work, who you're being at home, who you're being as a parent, as a friend, as a brother, as a sister. Who are you being? Because that, once you realize that, it changes everything. This is the start of the whole beginning and the transformation. Now, if you find this episode helpful, if you find that it added value to you, please do follow and share with somebody that you know that you think could really benefit from it. All right, I'm gonna stop right here. Lead boldly, stay human, and turn every challenge into a gift. Remember that every challenge can