You Left Something On The Table. Here's Why

I want to ask you something before we even get started. Think about the last time pressure walked in the room. A meeting that completely shifted because of a high-stakes situation. Maybe a conversation that got a bit heated. A moment where you knew what needed to be said and something inside you Did the math before you opened your mouth. Did you say it? Maybe you did. Maybe you didn't. Or did you do what most high-performing leaders do? You managed the moment really well. You stayed composed and you kept things moving, moving along. And then later, maybe in the car or And lying in bed at the end of the day, you replayed the scene and you knew you left something on the table. That moment, that specific moment, is where this book begins.

How is it? Okay, pause.

Pause that moment.

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That moment, that specific moment is what I want to talk to you about today. I'm Claire Hayek, NeuroLeadership expert, TEDx speaker, and founder of Mind Soul Purpose Team Building. I spent more than 20 years leading high-stakes, projects and teams under pressure. Welcome to the NeuroLeadership Edge.

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Well, here's something new. Today's episode is going to be different. This is me talking to you. I do not have a guest. And I know I do these once in a month. And I'm pulling back the curtain on something I've been building for 2 years. Yes, 2 years. A lot of people don't know. A lot of close people in my life don't know. By the end of this conversation, 3 things will land for you. One, my upcoming book, Calm Under Fire. What this book is actually about. And why it's relevant to where you are right now as a leader. You're also gonna have a piece of the research that will probably make you stop and think about your organization differently. And that research was and will be included.

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By the end of this conversation, you're gonna learn 3 things. One, that I'm writing a book and it's called Calm Under Fire. But what's important about that, it's what Calm Under Fire is actually about and why it's relevant to where you are right now as a leader. 2, a piece of the research that will probably make you stop and think about your organization differently. That research will be in the book, of course, and what this book will be based on. And 3, A special invitation to be part of this before the book launches. Let's get right into it.

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An invitation to be— and 3, an invitation to be part of this book before it launches. All right, a lot of you probably know this And maybe most of you don't. I grew up in Beirut, war-torn Beirut. I'm a war child, unfortunately.

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Most of you probably know this, or maybe not. I have no idea. But for some of you that know, they know that I grew up in Beirut, in war-torn Beirut. I'm a war child. I was a war child. Pressure was never something I discovered later in life, right? It was it was literally just the environment that I was raised in. I mean, oh fuck!

Okay, give me a second here.

I just realized I gotta take this off.

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Some of you may know this, most of you maybe don't know this. Regardless, I grew up in Beirut, war-torn Beirut, unfortunately. war-torn. And I was a war child. Pressure was never something I discovered later in life. It was the environment I was raised in. I learned early on how to read a room before anyone said a word. You know, I learned how to kind of track what was being said and what was being carefully avoided. And high-pressure environments and dangerous situations we actually were in. I mean, that wasn't full-time but it was very uncertain. Anything could shift at any moment, right? So, I also learned how to stay composed when the ground under your feet was completely— okay, I don't like that.

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To track what was being said and what was being carefully avoided.

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And I got to also observe how adults stay composed when everything was at stakes, when everything was unpredictable around them. I guess that skill followed me into engineering, 20 years of engineering, of leading teams and high-stakes projects. And I was really good at it. I was the person people counted on when things got intense. What I did not see though for a long time was the cost. Because here is what I was also very good at. Staying quiet in the moments that mattered most. I can think of actually a specific meeting I had an important insight. It was perfect. Like, I was ready to talk about it. But the room was moving toward an answer that felt more comfortable rather than true. I had the question that would have changed the whole conversation. And I watched that moment pass. The agenda moved on. The room moved on. And on the outside, I mean, I carried myself fine. I looked composed, engaged, very professional. But on the inside, I knew I had basically chosen the easy way over contribution, over clarity.

All right.

So, the reason why I talk about this is that the part that really got me when I slowed down enough to look at it later in my life was how practiced that felt, how natural that felt for me. How many rooms I had moved through that way when I just played along and stayed composed and didn't really contribute in the way I should have. How many moments I had literally bit my tongue and, you know, maybe didn't contribute my thinking that was You know that would oh fuck pause pause how many rooms I had moved through that way how many moments I had avoided thinking that that was what good leadership looked like and that is where my upcoming book Calm Under Fire. starts in that specific quiet cost.

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That is where my book, Calm Under Fire, starts in that specific quiet cost. Here's what the brain is doing in that moment. I often talk about this. You're probably all experts about this now, but in case you're listening to this for the first time, The amygdala that is basically our survival brain processes threat before the thinking brain, our prefrontal cortex, has a chance to even weigh in, right? So literally, when we are under high pressure, high stakes, the whole body and the blood flow moves to the amygdala because the brain is doing a great job keeping us alive. That's its only job is to keep us alive at that point. But that means that if the blood flow is in the back in the fight-or-flight survival brain, it's not in the prefrontal cortex where basically our brain CEO, where clear thinking, focused thinking, alignment, calm, basically where you have access to all your talent and your skill set. So, we're not there. We're in the amygdala. And Side note, the body doesn't know and the brain doesn't know the difference between physical danger and social risk. For instance, if you think about being maybe when you're being challenged in a meeting or you're feeling a bit exposed in front of an authority, embarrassed, or sensing that maybe speaking up might cost you something. Those actually, that registers in the brain as a threat. In exactly the same way it would register if maybe you were being chased by a bear or a tiger. So when that fires, again, our bandwidth literally just completely shifts. So again, the brain CEO, the prefrontal cortex, where all the judgment sits, the creative thinking, the clear communication, we lose access to it. So the system prioritizes speed and safety over depth. So you see that it's not because, you know, you, you, you do not get worse at thinking, you're just not there. You, you get narrower, you don't have the access to it. And, um, basically you Pause.

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You do not get worse at thinking. You're just not really there. You don't have access to it. So that pattern, my pattern anyways, you know, formed through repetition. And these patterns, the survival patterns, form in everybody through repetition. And This is basically— I often talk about pressure-proof leadership. That's really what it is. This is what the foundation of pressure-proof leadership is. Now, over 2 years of writing this book, I sat with C-suite execs, CEOs, COOs, CPOs, senior leaders across multiple industries and 5 continents. We talked about pressure, about the real cost of it. And What came up again and again across every conversation when I spoke to the leaders, they could all identify what was costing them. We literally were able to hone in on the cost of pressure in leadership. Now, here's the thing. They were smart, experienced, very self-aware people. They could name And see the pattern in the room. They can see what was going on when pressure was basically managing the room. They could say what needed to happen. They knew what needed to happen. And then, under sustained pressure, the whole system crumbles. And then, the familiar move ran instead, instead of what was decided What was reflected on. So, when the meeting is over, we go back to default. Whatever pattern basically our survival pattern was. So, and of course, that causes misalignment, miscommunication, working in a silo. I mean, the list goes on and on of what the cost is. And I really want to take a little bit of time to talk about this cost because I'm sure most of you listening here are either founder business owners, senior leaders, execs. And cost is important. How you run your organization, performance efficiency is very important. So, we would, as we went on with these one-on-ones with this these research conversations with some of the leaders, I would do a pressure diagnostic. And we would map where the gap is. So, map as well what unresolved leadership pressure was actually costing inside the organization. And I do run a pressure diagnosis. And we go through the numbers. We look at a very specific situation and see what happened as a result. And how did that affect the business? How did that affect the timeline? How did that affect execution, delivery, retention, etc., etc., etc.? And it was amazing that what showed up was very consistent and very significant. Trust breakdowns that pretty much slowed decisions across trimesters. Strategic initiatives that just went dark because people didn't have the bandwidth to see it through. Senior people operating below their capacity because the environment around them rewarded containment. And being composed over contribution and really saying what really would change the situation or what would get people thinking or would probably be the wise thing to say to get the conversation open and the creative juices flowing, right? And what's surprising about all this is none of that cost appeared anywhere on a financial statement. It was already in the numbers. It just pretty much infiltrated the numbers. And it's not really basically showing up right in front of the leaders that needed to see this. The impact of high-pressure situations on how they affect the numbers, how they affect the performance, and how they affect the organization is growth, it's decision-making, it's misalignment or alignment, right? And when leaders— after we do the diagnostic, when the leaders saw it right in front of them mapped out that way. And most of you know as well, I'm an engineer. So, I came up with a really cool spreadsheet for the diagnosis. So, it really calculates all the numbers.

Wow!

And shows you exactly in a very conservative way because we're not trying to make a point. We're not trying to exaggerate anything. We actually want to be conservative with our numbers just to really be clear on the cost of pressure, right? So, the reaction that I saw was always the same: that that the numbers were huge, they were significant. And I mean, we're talking somewhere between half a million. To a million and sometimes even higher. And then they would say something like, you know, that mattered actually more than the numbers. Something like, I knew this was costing us. I knew this was a disaster. I just never saw it And okay, pause. And then they would say something that mattered more than the number, something like, I knew it was costing us, I just never saw it coming.

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And then they would say something that mattered more than the number, something like, I knew it was costing us, I just never saw it this clearly before in an actual number. That gap between knowing and seeing clearly is where this book lives. This is why I wrote this book. The research on stress and decision-making shows something specific and worth thinking about. Under sustained pressure, the brain does not lose its capacity for good thinking. It narrows its Access to options. So, I'm talking about sustained pressure, right? So then, the system filters out certain paths that require more cognitive load and surfaces the familiar ones first.

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Now, when we're talking about sustained pressure, daily pressure, the brain does not lose its capacity for good thinking. But what it does it will narrow its access to the options that is available for it. So, the system will filter out ways or paths that require more cognitive load and focuses on the familiar ones first. Does that make sense? So, what feels like the obvious decision under pressure is often the well-practiced one. But not necessarily the best one. Do you see how that works? Now, this is why experienced leaders make calls under pressure that they would not make in a calmer state. The knowledge is there. It's of course, they have access to it. The conditions for using it, however, is limited. It's been compromised. And Pressure Proof Leadership is designed To keep the access open when the room heats up, when the stakes are high.

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Fuck.

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Calm Under Fire moves through a specific arc. Okay, it starts with, uh, and, and basically the recognizable moments. The meeting where you can— you, you basically were contained. Um, you didn't really— you're composed. You didn't really share your insight. The conversation you probably managed instead of, um—

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Calm Under Fire moves through a specific arc, if I want to put it this way. It starts in the moments that you might recognize. The meeting where you stayed composed instead of shared your insight or the conversation that you managed instead of actually having.

Right.

The decision that basically landed just a little bit off from where you would have landed if you were in your full clearest mind or clearest thinking. Okay, then the book traces how those patterns are formed. And the idea of this is it traces it as something to understand, basically, because these responses did not come from weakness. They come from intelligence, from a nervous system that learned, practiced, rehearsed. Rehearsed through repetition, how to keep you safe in environments where pressure was present early on, right? So, we move from recognizing these moments and then we trace the pattern. And then, we really get honest about what the cost is in leaders, in teams, in the organization, in your business. And then, in the second half of the book, We shift through into what is actually possible when the nervous system has the condition it needs to access that skill level that you have. What calm authority looks like in real practice and what the research says about how the state gets built and maintained.

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What calm authority looks like in practice and what the research says about how that state gets practiced and gets built and maintained and wired. What leaders who have made the shift describe experiencing in the room they walked into afterwards. Yeah. Okay.

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We're going to rewind. And then in the second half. And then in the second half, it shifts. It moves into what is actually possible when the nervous system is regulated, where when calm authority is rehearsed and it's practiced, when you're able to rewire the high-pressure pattern and able to access your skills. So the tools are in there. There's a 3-layer system, the reset protocol, the identity work that makes it hold basically under sustained pressure. But I'm not going to give it all away. I just wanted to give you overview of the book. And here's why I'm telling you about this now before actually the book is out. I am building an advanced reader group. A small group of senior leaders who will read early, basically early chapters and give me honest feedback while, let's put it this way, the manuscript is still being shaped. People whose real-world experience inside organizations will make the final book much sharper. Because let's put it this way. This book is not about what I think. It's about research. It's about lived experience.

Absolutely.

I'm sharing lived experience with senior leaders and C-suite execs and a lot of many of the guests basically that I've interviewed on this podcast. And but what's really important is the real feedback of real-world experience. And in exchange, you get access to the book before anyone else does. And so, you get acknowledged in it. You get early chapters. Your name will be in the book and you have direct access to me while it's still being written. And well, you become part of a conversation that honestly, I think is way overdue at the leadership level, don't you think?

Yeah.

Now, if you lead a team, if you sit in high-stakes rooms, if you recognize yourself in anything I described today and you want to be considered for the group, please go to clairehayek.com/book. Very easy to remember. My full name dot com slash book, B-O-O-K. And leave your name and contact. And I look at every single one of these personally, everyone. And I will be in touch when I'm ready to send you the chapters. This group is small, and I'm keeping it small. It is intentional. This is for a good reason. Now, before you move on from this episode, I want to give you one thing to take with you into this week. Think of one moment in the last month when your system, your system stepped forward before you choose to, when you went quiet or moved faster.

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Now, think of one moment in the last month where you went quiet or maybe moved faster than the situation needed or just kind of smoothed things out over maybe being honest and straightforward. Write it down in one sentence. Then, ask yourself, what was the system protecting? What was I protecting when I was doing that? And really, just simply this question, just that one question starts to make the pattern visible. It will make you see what lies underneath it. And once you see something, this is where change happens because when things become visible, this is where we can change them. You can share it on LinkedIn, tag me, and I'd love to say a thing or two about it. And I'd love to share back with you and comment on it. Two other resources before I let you go. If you lead a team and want to see specifically where pressure is costing you again, okay, no, no, one more resource.

What? Okay, pause. Pause.

One more thing before I let you go. One resource that I want to share with you. Is the pressure diagnosis. If you are interested in no, I don't want to do that.

I don't want to do that.

Wait, wait, wait. Pause. And well, okay, one last thing.

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And if again, if today landed and you want to be part of the advanced reader group for Calm Under Fire, go to clairehayek.com/advancedreader. I would love to have you part of this, my new upcoming book, Calm Under Fire.

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What did I change?

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And if today again landed and you want to be part of the advanced reader group for my book, Calm Under Fire, Again, you see it on screen. Go to clairehayek.com/book. If you're listening to the audio, I will leave the link in the description. Now, don't forget to subscribe to the NeuroLeadership Edge. Every subscriber will really help us grow. It will reach further and it will also help us attract attract the caliber of guests and conversation that actually move the needle, that actually make a change and make a difference and add value to you. So, please click that follow, subscribe, and share the episode if this resonated. Lead boldly, stay human, and turn every challenge into a gift.