Anxious-Avoidant Relationship: Why You Chase and She Pulls Away

Hey, Cody here, and in this video I want to address how to fix an anxious avoidant relationship, specifically from the man's perspective, and we're going to go into this and I'm going to give you some stuff that you probably haven't heard anywhere else before that really is going to make a big difference to your marriage. So let's get straight into this. So I'm guessing, seeing as you're watching this video, that you've been researching anxious attachment, anxious avoidant attachment, the anxious avoidant relationship. Why your wife keeps pulling away and why you're responding to that by chasing her, etc., etc. And for the first time, having found these diagnoses that make sense, things start to make sense to you. You no longer feel like there's something wrong with you. You're not broken, you're not abnormal. And these labels, they appear to explain what's going on in your marriage. This is a thing. What's going on is a thing. It's not just some abnormal brokenness or randomness. And And there is value in that. The label that you've discovered what's going on, there is value because it reduces confusion, it reduces any shame around this. There's nothing wrong with you. There's not— you don't have a problem. This is a thing. But here's the thing, right? The label alone is not enough. We got to go way deeper than that. It's not enough to understand that you're anxious avoidant or whatever we want to call these things, right? So a key understanding to take away from from, from this, and a key, a pivotal foundation to approach what I'm going to share with you, is, is that anxious avoidant, or any other, any other diagnosis, it accurately describes the behavior that's happening within the marriage or within yourself. But the problem is that, that diagnosis is not transformation. You don't want a diagnosis. You're not here because you want to be diagnosed with something or self-diagnosed. You're looking for something to change. within the marriage. You want her behavior to change, or you want your behavior to change. Or in other words, you're not looking for a diagnosis, you're looking for a solution to your problems. So let's, let's get into this. So what is an anxious avoidant relationship, just so we're on the same page, right? So the conventional exercise explanation would say something along the lines of one partner seeks closeness, One partner seeks distance. The more one partner pursues, the more the other partner withdraws, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, or it's a— it's a real— it's just the cycle reinforces itself, right? The more you push, the more she pulls away. The more she pulls away, the more you push, and it just goes on and on and on and on. It's, it's, it's a death spiral, right? It's a cycle of doom. And this is an accurate description Of what anxious avoidant relationship is, and it probably very likely isn't an accurate description and diagnosis of what's going on inside of your marriage. But here's the kicker: descriptions don't explain the causes, right? When, when a woman or a man has avoidant behavior, all we, all we learn from that diagnosis is that person is avoiding certain things, which we already knew, right? The diagnosis tells us what we already knew. It doesn't tell us what the cause of the problem is. So the key understanding that you need to take away right now is that knowing what the behavior is doesn't tell you why that behavior exists. And why that behavior exists is very, very important if you want to fix it, because a diagnostic or diagnosis is not a mechanism. You identified the pattern that you're engaging in and she's engaging in and the cycle that you're going in together, But you haven't identified the cause of that cycle, and the solution is going to— the solution that you're looking for is identifying what's causing that behavior, not simply giving a description to the behavior that you already know exists. That makes no sense. So be clear on this: understanding behavior, or understanding and giving a label to the behavior, isn't the same as solving the problem that you're facing. So Most men stop searching once they understand, or once they have the label, right? They go, okay, I get it now, I'm anxious avoidant, and that explains what's going on. They believe that they understand the problem now that they can accurately label what the problem is, but in reality, understanding the behavior, it's not even close to the same as changing the behavior, and I would, I would, my hypothesis would be, I would, I would Hypothesize here that you are here because you want the behavior to change. You want the anxious attachment behavior to go away, and you want intimacy again. You want, you want a healthy marriage. So you have to move beyond why is this, uh, what is happening— the label tells you what is happening— to why is this happening. Why is this happening is, is where the magic starts. And then finally on to What problem is this behavior trying to solve? And this really is critical right here. This is where the real magic happens in this question. What problem is this behavior trying to solve? So here's a key understanding. Understanding what is happening is not a solution to what is happening. Transformation begins when you stop asking, what is the behavior and start asking what behavior, or what purpose rather, does this behavior serve? Because if you can uncover that, then you can start to transform the behavior. So this is very important. Every behavior is somebody's best solution to a problem. What the behavior that you're engaging in right now is trying to solve a problem. You're watching this video right now, or you're listening to this video right now, or listening to the podcast because you are trying to solve a behavior. You're not listening to it because you like the sound of my voice, you have a problem and you're looking for a solution, and in this moment you believe this offers you the best solution to the problem. So the first principle, the governing principle, is that every behavior exists because it is attempting to solve a problem. So when we understand that, we can go another layer deep, another layer deep, and then we can go even further and say every behavior is attempting to create pleasure or Or reduce pain. If you're watching this video right now, it's because you're seeking pleasure, or more likely, you're experiencing pain from the behavior, or you're experiencing pain from somebody else's behavior, and you're looking for a solution to reduce that pain. There's nothing random about you watching this video or listening to this, this, this recording. It's the best solution that you can come up right now to a problem that's causing you pain, or you want it to create pleasure. So neither anxious behavior Nor avoidant behavior is irrational. And in fact, I would go even one step further and say no behavior is irrational. Both behaviors, either anxious or avoidant, is an attempt to solve something. It's an attempt to solve a problem. Now, it may not be a healthy attempt, or it may not be the best attempt, which is what I'm going to get to here, but it nevertheless is an attempt to solve a problem. So A key understanding is that every behavior is somebody's best solution to the problem they believe that they are experiencing right now. So if you are experiencing avoidant behavior, understanding that that person is avoidant tells you nothing other than what you already know. They're avoidant, they're avoiding something. But the question is, what is the problem that they are experiencing that they believe avoidance is the solution? Or if you, if you're experiencing anxious attachment, again, all that tells us is that you have anxious attachment, you're anxiously attached, attached to people, and you pursue. That doesn't tell us what problem you believe that that is the best solution to. So when we understand this, we can move to a place where we understand that all behavior has positive intention. It's trying to solve a problem. It's either trying— every behavior that you will come across, whether it's your behavior, my behavior, or somebody else's behavior, has— it has only 2 intentions. It's either trying to create pleasure or it's trying to eliminate pain. And if you look at it from that perspective, then all behavior is positive. Trying to eliminate pain is positive, and trying to create pleasure is positive. Now, Is the mechanism that we use to create that pleasure or eliminate pain, is that positive? Maybe not. That's not necessarily a given, but the behavior itself has positive intentions. And when we can understand that, it changes how we look at the other person, and it also changes how we look at ourselves. So the question that we need to pose is, is not whether the behavior is good or bad. The question is What problem is this behavior trying to solve? What is the problem this person is trying to solve? So what problem is the anxious husband trying to solve? Well, it's this, or this is a very, very— this is, this is what a lot of men experience. The marriage, the marriage crisis has become an identity, an identity crisis. So So the man is simply— he's not simply afraid of losing his wife, and it goes way, way deeper than that. He's invested his entire— he's afraid of losing everything, i.e., he's invested his entire identity and who he is as a man into this marriage. His identity, his competence, his future, his family, his reputation, his financial security, his role as a husband, his sense of certainty in the future. It's— you're not simply losing your wife, you're losing all of these things. Your financial— your reputation. If this gets out, if your marriage failure is made public, then your competency is going to be questioned. Your future is in question. If you've divorced, if a divorce moves forward, your financial future and security is in question. You are not just losing your wife, you are losing an entire identity, which is significantly, significantly bigger than just losing your wife. Which, when you put it into this perspective and go, well, the man is actually in danger of losing— from at least from his perspective— in danger of losing absolutely everything right now, would this make you anxiously attached to the situation? Would this make you pursue the situation? Of course it would. Now we're getting to the bottom of what you are anxiously attached to instead of just describing the behavior, which is anxious attachment. There's no solution and there's no, there's no resolution to just understanding put— given the behavior a label, you have to understand the problem that that behavior is trying to solve. And here it is. So if the crisis becomes public, he's going to feel judged, he's going to feel exposed. He pursues because he's not— he's trying to stop that entire collapse situation. So again, key understanding here is that the anxious behavior is not the problem. The fact that you have anxious attachment isn't the problem. The anxious attachment is the current solution to an identity crisis that's going on. He's trying to reduce— he's trying to reduce the unbearable certainty that is currently presented to him in this marriage, in this relationship. That is what he is anxiously attached to, is the unbearable certainty. Or is that— is that— or more specifically, more precisely, the unbearable certainty is the problem. that he's trying to solve, and he has decided that anxious attachment is the solution to that problem. Now we have a much deeper, much bigger picture of what's actually going on, and now we can really start to unwind this and start to fix this problem if you're not happy with being anxiously attached. So let's go to the female side here. What is the— what problem is the avoidant Wife trying to solve? Well, let's just start with this. She isn't trying to punish the man. She isn't necessarily trying to destroy the marriage or even end the marriage. She's trying to reduce emotional pain. Her nervous system over time has learned that closeness, which is what she's avoiding, right? The avoidant wife is pulling away to the pursuant husband, the anxiously attached husband. She has learned that closeness produces conflict, it produces pressure, it produces emotional labor, potentially produces criticism, misunderstanding, etc., etc., etc., disappointment, exhaustion, all of these things. Distance to her becomes protection. That is what the, the avoidant behavior is trying to avoid It's all of these things. She's not avoiding you, and she's not avoiding situations because she just does it because she's avoiding, avoiding it. She does it, she does it because it's solving a problem, and this is the problem. So the key understanding here is that avoidance isn't the problem. Avoidance is her current solution to the problem set that she's facing. If you— if those problems did not need avoiding, she would not need avoidant behavior. There would be nothing to avoid. So the better question is not, not just looking— or the better perspective is not just looking at the situation as to, my wife is an avoidant, that's why she's avoiding me. No, she's avoiding something. Now let's go on. So people don't protect themselves from experiences they enjoy. They, they protect themselves from experiences that they've learned Painful. And again, this gives us a deeper insight into what's going on in the marriage, the relationship, and what, what, what role you are having in this avoidant behavior and how you can help to alleviate this situation. So, uh, let's ask the questions that actually, actually matter. So his solution to the unbearable certainty that is being faced here is that he's going to pursue her. He thinks if he can pursue her and get her to stay, then the unbearable certainty goes away. Which simultaneously creates her solution to the same problem, which is withdrawal. He thinks that pursuing her is going to fix his problems, while she believes that withdrawing from his pursuit is going to solve her problems. Hopefully you can see that we are in a death spiral here. So now we have to ask the question, right? Are these behaviors of pursuit and withdrawal achieving the outcomes that they're designed to achieve? Are they actually solving the problems that they're designed to achieve, right? So is chasing producing connection for the man? Is withdrawing producing intimacy, etc.? Or are they just reinforcing each other? Is one problem reinforcing that? That it's the anxious attachment behavior from the man reinforcing the avoidant behavior from the woman, and it's the avoidant behavior reinforcing the attachment, the anxious attachment from the man? This is the real question to ask. So just, just key understanding here is that just because A behavior has a purpose; it doesn't mean that it's effective, right? So the man's anxious attachment behavior—its purpose is to to withdraw, to to reduce the unbearable uncertainty. Doesn't just because that's its purpose doesn't mean that it's effective in doing that. In fact, it doesn't. So a behavior can make perfect sense to the person doing it while still moving that person away from the outcome they want. So again, attachment may seem anxious attachment may seem completely logical. And be a solution, but at the same time, it is actually moving that person further and further away from the solution that they truly desire. So what we have to do here is the label is useful, as I've said, in some ways, but we have to, we have to quickly move beyond the label and stop asking the question, why am I anxious? Or why is she avoidant? And then start asking the question, what problem am I trying to solve? What problem is she trying to solve? Is my behavior the most productive pathway to that outcome? And most of the time, the answer to the question is going to be no. This is not a productive— this behavior is not a productive pathway to that outcome. And when you realize that, the anxious attachment goes away, the avoidant behavior goes away, because it's just not a solution anymore. You— the problem still exists, the solution is still required, but once you realize that that behavior doesn't produce that solution, then we, then we have the freedom to start to move towards a healthier solution to the problem. So what you have to do here is evaluate the behavior that's being engaged in here strategically, not emotionally, not emotionally, not morally, and not psychologically, just strategically. Is this behavior actually producing the outcome that I'm looking for? Is it solving the problem that I'm trying to solve? Yes or no? It's as simple as that. So the key, the key understanding is that the label defines the behavior. She's an avoidant. Okay, well, that tells us what we already knew. She's engaging in avoidant behavior. It doesn't tell us why she's engaging in avoidant behavior or the problem that she's trying to solve. The mechanism explains the behavior, but the solutions come from understanding the mechanism, right? When we understand that potentially, and quite often in an anxious attachment, the The man is actually trying to avoid unbearable uncertainty, and the mechanism, the anxious attachment, is simply the mechanism that is becoming a solution to that problem. It makes, it makes it much easier to change the behavior and detach from the anxious attachment to a much more healthy attachment style. So the pathway forward is that the goal here can no longer be learning attachment styles, right? Like, it's good to know and it's interesting and all that, but you've done that, you've got that. Your goal can no longer really be understanding attachment styles. The attachment styles— the goal at this point has to become changing the underlying conditions that create the behavior or create that attachment style. So identity before strategy. So what I mean by that is that it's imperative that you become emotionally regulated, emotionally sovereign, stable, consistent, calm, a source of relief instead of pressure. When you become these things in the relationship, her need to be avoidant goes away because the problem she's avoiding goes away. When the underlying problems change, the behavior naturally changes. And the same is true for you. When, when the— when, when you become all of these things and she stops being avoidant, you no longer need to become anxiously attached because the uncertainty goes away. The unbearable uncertainty goes away, so the necessity for your attachment style goes away. So the key understanding here is you don't fix, or you don't fix an anxious avoidant relationship by managing 2 attachment styles. That does not work. It will not work, and it never will work. You fix the situation by removing the problems that the behaviors have been developed and designed to resolve. You solve those problems. So In other words, you have to stop treating the desire— the diagnosis, and you have to start transforming the mechanism that the diagnosis is designed to eliminate. So the question here that changes everything isn't, why am I anxious? Or why is she avoidant? The question is, is this behavior actually producing the life and marriage that I'm trying to create? Or is this a behavior that is designed to solve a problem in a very inefficient way that is actually going to solve one problem by creating 3 more? So if you want some more information on how to turn your marriage around, I've got some free— a free workshop link in the description. Or if you want some individual advice on these attachment styles and what you can do to start turning this around, I highly recommend you check out Coach Cody AI. There's a link in the description. You can get some personalized advice. Specifically into your situation. Check that out. So that's it for me. Make sure you watch this video right here next, and I'll see you in the next one.