What Marriage Counselling Doesn’t Teach Men (But Should)

Awesome.

All right, guys. So a lot of you here, well, you're all here to save your marriage, and many of you have the opinion that this is hard. But I want to reframe that today and show you that saving your marriage isn't actually hard at all. It's simply unfamiliar, or another way to put it, it's untrained. And unfamiliar or untrained can be learned very easily. So right now you're probably in a situation, you know, conversations feel like walking on eggshells. Nothing you say seems to land correctly. You keep making Hitting the stupid button, making mistakes, nothing works, right? Terrified of making things worse with your actions and behavior. And of course, that naturally and reasonably leads to the conclusion that saving this marriage is hard or saving this marriage is going to be hard, but that is not the case at all. So the reason— what's going on right now is you're in a state of fear. That naturally leads to pursuit of your wife, pursuit of conversations, pursuit for closure, etc. That produces pressure within the relationship. When she feels that pressure, she wants to withdraw, so she pulls away from you, and then that naturally leads to more fear in you, which then the cycle begins all over again, and we're in this death spiral. So when you get into this spiral, which almost everybody gets into because it's easier than getting drunk and falling off a chair, Is what it teaches that you is, it gives you the confirmation bias. Now you have proof, man, that saving this marriage is hard. When you came into this, you thought it was going to be hard, and now you're going through this cycle. You've just proven to yourself and reinforced your own confirmation bias that this is actually going to be hard. But my question to you is, is it actually hard? Or do you just simply not know how to do it yet? Because there's a difference between something being hard and you being untrained or it being unfamiliar. Because let's look at what you're actually calling hard here, the label that we're putting on it, because language is very important. How we label something determines how we feel about it, and how we feel about it determines how aggressively or how enthusiastically we approach the task and how How enthusiastically we go about something naturally determines the results that we get, which creates another feedback loop. So, not arguing when you believe you're right, is that really hard? Listening without defending yourself, is that really hard if we think about this and we're using language appropriately? Staying calm when you get triggered or she says something that you don't like or don't agree with or you feel the need To correct her on. Is that actually hard? Giving space without panicking when she asks, when she pulls back or she asks specifically for the for the space. Remaining consistent in your actions and behavior, even though you may not have received the recognition yet. Because this is this is kind of an aside to what I want to talk about today. But your marriage is a lagging indicator. The the the crop that you harvest this fall. Is a lagging indicator of the seeds that you planted in the spring. If you plant spring— if you plant seeds this fall, you don't get that crop. You get the crop that you planted in the spring. So wherever you're at in life right now, wherever you're at in marriage, that's not an indication of what is going on in your life or your marriage right now. It's an indication of what was going on 6 months ago, a year ago, 12, 18 months ago. It's a lagging indicator. Your finances are not an indication of what you're doing financially today. They're an indication of the decisions that you made months and years ago. Everything that we're experiencing in life today is actually a lagging indicator, not a leading indicator. When we understand that, it actually, it changes how we see things and allows us to move forward in the present without recognition for the behavior that was just given in the present. So my question to you is, Are all of these things hard, or are they just unfamiliar because you haven't learned how to do them yet? So, let's change your definition of hard because, again, this is important. What is hard? Well, is being told that you have cancer hard? I would say that it is. What about receiving devastating news about your child? You're told that your child has 3 months to live. I would say that that's hard. That's hard. These things are truly hard. And when we put that into context, is, is being restrained hard? Is not getting triggered when you feel like it? Is not defending? All these things that we just covered, are they truly hard when we put it into the context of what really is hard? Or are they just unfamiliar and untrained, and we're calling what we're unfamiliar with hard because we don't have a better use of language, when actually It's not hard at all. It's actually quite easy. I think many of you would agree if we put things into perspective. How does restraining yourself and not correcting your wife, even though in your mind you believe that she's wrong and she needs correcting, and you're calling it hard to show that restraint right now, how does that— where does that fit on the scale of your child? You've just been told your child has stage 4 cancer and has got 3 months to live. Where does it fit? On the scale of hard, we need this kind of perspective because now we can see that we're not using the right language to describe the situation, and the fact that we're using the wrong language is taking a situation that is actually not hard at all; it's just unfamiliar, and we're actually making it hard. So is is is actually not defending yourself in an argument? Is that truly hard? No, I would say that that's just uncomfortable. Or it's unlearned, or it's untrained. It's not hard, right? So, what's happened here, man, is we've confused discomfort with difficulty. What we have to do is not hard, it's just uncomfortable. It's untrained. We've confused unfamiliarity with inability. Because we're unfamiliar with the process, we say that we're unable to do it. No, you're currently unable to do it because you're untrained. And here's the thing, right? Look at look at the two-year-old tying his shoelaces. When you when you started to learn to tie your shoes, was it difficult? Was it hard? Was it impossible? Of course, it was confusing. It was frustrating. You got it wrong. It felt hard. You needed help. And in fact, a whole genre of shoes show up, right? Velcro shoes. Why why is there a market for Velcro shoes? Because at the age of two, when you start a new task, it's hard and you need assistance. But by the age of three, just Not even 12 months later, now tying your shoes is natural. It's automatic. It isn't a struggle. Is tying your shoes for you hard today? No, is the answer. When you learned how to count to 10, was that hard when you first did it? When you learned to read, was it hard? It was impossibly complex. When you learned finances, when you learned your job, when you went through university and learned how to become a doctor or an accountant or a mechanic or a Carpenter, or when you learnt your skills for the first time, those skills were impossibly difficult, and they were—they—they seemed hard to learn at times. But none of those skills actually were hard at all; they were simply unfamiliar. And now you've rehearsed those skills and practiced those skills, the outcomes are effortless and subconscious. So what we have to understand here is what it takes to save your marriage is new behavior. New thought patterns, new philosophies, new attitudes. A new behavior always feels unnatural in the beginning, but the mistake we make is we confuse unnatural for hard, and then instead of just saying, this behavior is unnatural, it's actually remarkably easy. I just need to stick with it long enough for it to feel natural and become natural. We call it hard. We get discouraged, and we go, this is too hard. Who can do this? I'm justified in giving up. So, of course, restraint feels uncomfortable to start with. Uncertainty feels threatening to you to start with. Change requires this conscious effort, and it's difficult. It's hard to start with is the conclusion that we come to. But none of this means that you can't do it. None of this means that it's impossible or unachievable. Or even that it's hard. So there's a reason that the old behavior that you're currently stuck in, which is destroying your marriage, feels easy and feels natural, and the alternative feels hard. It's because you've been practicing it for years and years and years, even a lifetime. And of course, when you practice a behavior, whether it's good or bad, when you practice a thought pattern, whether it's good or bad, Of course it's easy. It's effortless. So the thought patterns that we've been practicing for years, rehearsing every day, going to the mental and emotional gym— when she criticizes you, you defend yourself. When you feel misunderstood, instead of looking for her point of view, you try to explain yourself. When you feel uncomfortable with the situation, you look for an escape. You look for a way out of it instead of looking What can I learn here? When you're afraid, you seek control. When you, when you feel disconnected, your natural instinct is to pursue. And the reality is, you're not bad at the new behavior. You're just highly trained at the old behavior. And when you've been training a behavior for years, decades, even a lifetime, of course, a new behavior is not going to be Comparable in terms of competency or skill level. You have to stick with it, or else it's never going to get trained. A lot of times I'll have a conversation with a gentleman, with a man, or a woman, anybody really, and I'll ask a question, and the question is answered so quickly that no thought could possibly be given to the question. I may say, well, if you— maybe you should consider doing A, B, C, and D. And instantaneously, I've done that. I've done that, Cody. And it's like, well, the speed with which you answered that question, you could not possibly have given any consideration to what I just said. The speed with which that answer came means there's zero room for any new thought, any new process, any new information to come into what you've just said. You've simply repeated a rehearsed pattern. When you say, I've done that, that quickly, just as an example, all it means is at some point in the past I've had this conversation with myself, I've come to this conclusion, and I'm never going to revisit that idea or that thought ever again. I've decided forever that this is the conclusion, and it is my conclusion forever. And now it's just been put on autopilot. But the question then becomes, and that's great, right? But the question then becomes, is that thought serving you? Is that outcome serving you? Is it getting you the result that you want to get? Because if the answer is no, then you're practicing a broken pattern that's causing damage and simply pausing to think for half a second allows a new behavior to come in. But even that pausing in itself is uncomfortable because even that pause is a behavior that has to be trained. You're in the— you're at— you've got— you've not— you've responded instantaneously for so long that even the idea of allowing a new thought into your head, not even accepting a new thought, not even accepting a new idea, but just simply allowing it into the conversation To bring it into consideration, that in itself is a new behavior that is going to be very uncomfortable for you. And many of you will say, well, Cody, this is hard. I have to undo years. It's not hard, man. It isn't hard. Being told your child has cancer is hard. It's unfamiliar. And everything you want right now exists in the unfamiliar. Everything that you want exists in the unknown. Because I'm telling you, you've tried everything that you're comfortable with. You've tried everything that you're familiar with. You've tried everything that you've trained yourself to do, and it's produced at best no results and at worst negative results. Everything you want in life exists on the other side of fear. Everything you want in life exists on through the door of uncertainty. Everything that you want in life. Involves new behavior. And as long as we've conditioned ourselves and trained ourselves to believe that any new behavior is hard, then, then we fundamentally and functionally exclude ourselves from a new reality, which is what you want. You want a new reality. So again, this isn't hard, man. It's unfamiliar. And that changes everything. When you shift from hard to unfamiliar, that changes the landscape that we're playing in here. It changes the field that we're playing the game on. Because when you change from a man that thinks everything is hard to a man that simply acknowledges the truth, which is this is simply unfamiliar. Look, it may be hard at the end of the day, but you don't know that yet. You don't have enough information to make that judgment call at this point in time. It's simply unfamiliar. So, this creates 2 men. The first man is the man that holds to, this is hard, and he's asking questions like, can I survive this? This is so hard. How can I get through this? How can a man get through this? This is so hard. What if— this is hard, Cody. What if I can't do this? This is hard, Cody. Why isn't this working for me? How much longer is this going to take? How much longer can I take this for? Because this is hard right now. Do you see the attitude that this that this brings in a man when he's of the opinion that this is hard? At very best, this attitude brings about a man that has to grind to get the result, that has to push through difficulty and and tread through sludge to get there. When you're going, how can I take this? How can I do this? This is so hard. It's like well. Maybe you have the physical constitution, the emotional strength to do it, but my God, look at them. Look at the burden you've just placed on yourself. You start to say things like, maybe this is impossible. Maybe saving this marriage is impossible. Tying your shoelaces was impossible when you were 2 years old. It was literally impossible to the 2-year-old version of you. Not practically, spiritually, or functionally. It was impossible. The second type of man is the man who acknowledges that it's unfamiliar and he's untrained. This creates a man who asks the question, "What do I need to learn from this situation? What do I need to practice here? What do I need to do to get better? Where did I get this wrong in the past, and what do I need to adjust to get better in the future? What can I do differently next time around?" But the man who says it's hard when he breaks an eggshell by having a conversation with his woman goes, "This is this see code." This is impossible. I told you. The man who crushes the eggshells, who's living in the unfamiliar realm, says, "That didn't go great. What did I do wrong, and what can I do differently next time?" I haven't mastered this yet. It doesn't mean it's not masterable. When you become the man who operates in the unfamiliar and accepts that. I don't know what I don't know. I don't know what I've not been trained in. And that I'm going to stop saying this is hard and I'm going to start saying that this is simply unfamiliar to me, which is the truth. That gives you a path forward. Because here's the beautiful part, right? Unfamiliar can be learned. Untrained can be trained. Hard cannot be overcome. Hard is hard. Unfamiliar can be learned. Untrained can be trained. Now imagine the same. You don't have to change your situation. Don't change your marriage. Change you. Put yourself in there in your imagination right now. She criticizes you. The old you says, she's wrong. I need to defend myself. The new you— restraint feels uncomfortable because you're unfamiliar with it, but you go, this is unfamiliar. I have to push through. I have to learn. So, you listen. She pulls away. The old you says, I'm losing her. I need to do something desperate. I need to chase her. I need to pursue. I need to change what she's thinking, what she's seeing, how she's perceiving this situation. The new you says, uncertainty is uncomfortable, but I can learn how to tolerate this uncertainty because that feeling is just new to me. That's all it is. It's unlearned. It's unfamiliar. So, you don't panic. You don't chase. She's not recognizing your progress, which again, we've kind of touched on that, right? Your progress is a lagging indicator. Your marriage is a lagging indicator. You don't do the work today and get the recognition today. It's 6 months from now. The old you says, what's the point of this? Nothing ever changes. This is hard, Cody. This is hard. I do the work and she just ignores me and disrespects me. This is hard. The new you, the new version says, "I don't need immediate recognition to keep doing this correctly." Not getting recognition, not getting immediate feedback is not unhard; it's unfamiliar and it's unlearned, or it's untrained rather. So instead of being instead of hitting the stupid button and doing lots of damage, stepping stepping on a landmine, you remain consistent. You remain in control. Same wife, same marriage, different man. And now she experiences something different from you, right? Before, when everything is hard, you need reassurance from her to keep going. Now you can regulate yourself. Before, disagreement always turned into defense, defensiveness. Now she gets to finish her ideas. She gets to finish her, her conversation. She gets to finish speaking before you jump in. It wasn't hard to let her do that before. It was just an unfamiliar, untrained process. Who taught you how to have a conversation? Whoever sat you down and said, this is how you communicate with another human being. Whoever did that. Someone, someone held your hand and taught you how to tie your shoes. Who taught you how to be married? Who showed you how to do it? Before, distance triggered pursuit. Now, you can tolerate the space. You can give her the room she needs. Before, change disappeared when you became discouraged, when she didn't recognize what you were doing, when she didn't give you the feedback, or even worse, gave you negative feedback. You became discouraged. Now, your behavior remains constant and consistent regardless. You're detached from her outcome. When she's positive, you're positive. When she's negative, you're positive. When she's present, you're positive. When she's absent, you're positive. You're no longer tethered to her behavior. You're now acting independently as a sovereign, emotionally sovereign individual. The marriage didn't become easier. You became more skilled as an operator. You became more skilled as a man. Did tying shoelaces become easier for the 2-year-old? No, it never became easier. Is it easier now? The actual physicality of it, is it easier now at the age of 50 than when you were 2? No, it's the exact same process. You take the rat, you take, you make a loop, you wrap it around, you go under, you come out, whatever, right? Same process. Here's the problem, right? When you was 2 years old, tying your shoes was a level 9 problem and you was a level 1 individual. The problem did not get easier, you became better. You went, the problem is now a level 2 problem, or the problem now is still a level 9 problem, right? But you're a level 10 individual. The problems are always what the problems are going to be. The problems don't go away and the problems don't get easier. The problem— the solution is, man, that you become bigger than the problems. If you've got a level 6 problem and you're a level 5 person, you've got an insurmountable problem. And you can look at the problem all day long and go, this problem needs to be a level 4 problem. It's never going to be. As a 2-year-old, you can look at those shoelaces and go, you need to get easier to tie. They're never going to get easier. The only solution is that 2-year-old's going He's got to step up and learn the process, and if he doesn't, then there's no outcome for him. And the same is true here. Many of you have got level 4 problems in your marriage, but you're a level 3 husband or a level 2 husband, or you've got a level 7 problem, but you're a level 4 husband, level 5 husband, and you want the problem to become a level 2 problem so you don't have to change. You want the problem to become smaller than you. But the reality is that is never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to happen. The reality is a level 7 problem is always gonna be a level 7 problem. It's never gonna change, but here's the beautiful part, right? If you're a level 6 husband, that is changeable. You can become a level 8 husband. You can become a level 9 husband, and that's why there is no reconciliation within the marriage without personal growth within you. You can't solve a level seven problem as a level six man, and if you think you can, you're well on your way to divorce. Your marriage can improve because you can improve. Your marriage can get better because you can get better, and it's like the solution is not that your marriage, your wife becomes more stable, more tolerable, more understanding, easier to live with. The solution is that you learn. How to live with her imperfections. So now you understand. You're not incapable of doing this. You're not powerless to change your marriage or situation in your life, and you're not facing something that is out of your control and impossible. You're simply unfamiliar with the process that's required to make the transformation. It's as simple as that. So here's the final example, and we'll end on this. When you started, when you started to drive, this is, this is how you felt, right? Everything was difficult. Everything was a challenge. How long does it take to get to the man over here who's trained? He's driving with his knees on his phone, eating a sandwich, listening to the radio, chilled as a cucumber. Nothing has gotten easier. Driving the car is exactly the same process as it always was. The dangers are exactly the same as they always were. The challenges are always the same. The man over here is a level 1 driver in a level 3 environment. This man is a level 9 driver in a level 3 environment. If this man said driving needs to become safer, easier, And more manageable, he would never become this man. This is where you guys are, most of you, in your marriage right now. This is where you need to get to. And we start with using the right language. Getting from here to here is not hard, it's simply unfamiliar. Going from this man to this man does not require magic, it requires training. And how many people out of 100 successfully go from A to B?

None.

How many 2-year-olds successfully learn how to tie their shoes? How many people successfully learn how to count to 100? I would even go as far to say this is easy.

So if you've watched this all the way to the end, there's something that I know about you and that is that you are very serious about saving your marriage. And if you want help with that, if you were thinking I'd love to have your advice, I'd love to have you coach me, Cody, personally. Then check out Coach Cody AI, the link in the description. This is exactly what it's been created for. It is my digital mind trained on over 5,000 real coaching calls over the last 10 years, and it gives you 24-hour, 7-day-a-week access to marriage coaching when you need it most. Coach Cody AI, check it out. God bless you, and I'll see you soon.