I’ve Coached 1000's of Men in Marriage Crisis, This Is The Mistake They All Make

method. And this is going to explain why good men make bad decisions that actively destroy their marriage. So the, the, the journey that I want to break here is good men getting bad information producing predictable results in their marriage. And the antidote, antidote to that, and the tragedy at the same time, is all of this, all of this is trainable skills. A woman is not a black box. A relationship is not a black box and a mystery. It can be understood And these skills are trainable, and I'm going to give you some of them today. So what we want to talk about is how to reprogram your mind to put success as the default setting on autopilot. So many of us watching this video right now, we're the exact opposite. We hit the stupid button by default. We put failure on autopilot, and it's like, we don't have to try to screw up. We don't have to try to make things worse. It's our default setting. And again, This is not just how you come out of the box. This is not how you come out of the womb. This is, this is bad information trained to you without your consent that's producing negative results. So we're going to get intentional today and we're going to learn how to reprogram our mind to put success on autopilot. So here's the thing, right? You're a good husband. You want what's best for your marriage. You're obviously here watching this video in this program to do the right thing. So So we know you're a good man. We know you're a good husband. We know you care, and you're trying to do the right thing. You're taking steps. You're taking action. You're making investments into your personal development, your marriage, and your future. But at the same time, while taking those steps, it just seems like the marriage keeps getting worse and worse, and she keeps getting further and further away. But what if the problem, and ultimately the solution, isn't your intentions? Whether you're a good man and a good husband or not? What if that has no real bearing on this? What if there's an invisible operating system running underneath you that's running you and causing you to stay stuck in your marriage no matter how hard you try to fix the problem, no matter how hard you try to save your relationship? You just can't get out of the mud and the glue. So the, the great psychologist Carl Jung once said, and I'm paraphrasing this because we don't actually have what he truly said, but he basically said, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will continue to direct your life, it will continue to control you, and you will simply call it fate. You'll just say, the way— that's the way it is, that's the way I am, that's the way life is, that's the way women are. And that subconscious unconscious operating system. It's made— it's making all those decisions and rules for us, and because we don't see it, we just simply attribute it to fate, at which point we take a victim mentality of life saying that's what it is, or I have no power of control. The truth of the matter is you have an immense amount of control over your life, and, and this presentation today, this is, this is valid for every aspect of your life. This unconscious operating system It is running your business. It's running your finances. It's running your health. It's running your relationship with your children. It's running your relationship with yourself, and what we're going to uncover it now. So the invisible operating system is this: it's not what happens in your life that causes the problems or the benefits; it's how you interpret it. So this is the cycle, right? An event happens. Something happens in your marriage. You interpret that event. You give it meaning. She tried to hurt me. She tried to help me. She caused pain. Her intentions were good. Her intentions were bad. It gets an interpretation from you, and that interpretation naturally creates an emotion. If you think your wife is trying to destroy your life, that's going to create a different emotion to if you feel like your wife is doing everything she can do to save the marriage. If you interpret the events going on in the marriage As I'm doing everything I can do to save this marriage and she's just not having a bone of it, that's going to create an emotion in, within you based on that interpretation. Of course, that is then going to produce a behavior. It's going to cause you to respond in a particular way, which inevitably is going to cause a result within the marriage. You create that outcome, which then plays into this cycle, which creates another event, which you then interpret— emotion, behavior, result. And now we're in a death cycle, right? Death spiral. So, great example is the lion with a thorn in his paw. You go to pull the thorn out of the lion, and he kills you and eats you because he interpreted your actions as a threat to him. You went to help the lion, but you nevertheless got eaten, and this is what's going on. This is what interpretation does. So, what we have to understand here is that we are being governed and ruled by an operating system That unless we've done the work, which we're going to do today to make this absolutely visible, it is running us, and there are only 4 possible options that that can be. There's 4 and only 4, and these are operating in every aspect of your life. So let me introduce 4 good men to you who all want to save their marriage, who all love their wives and family, who all want to do the right things, but all have— all 4 have a very different way of seeing the exact same marriage. So these are the 4 men. The first one is Balanced Ben, and there are 4 paradigms. There are 4 worldviews or unconscious operating systems that you can choose. The first one is, I'm good, you're good, and these operating systems relate to how I see myself and how I see you. Balanced Ben, who's the secure partner, sees himself as being good and sees his partner as being good. People Pleasing Pete, sees the world from a perspective and a paradigm of, I'm bad, you're good. I'm the one that keeps screwing up endlessly. You're the one trying to make the effort. And he views himself as the devoted husband. Righteous Rick, or Rightful Rick, operates from a perspective of, I'm good, I'm making the effort here, and you're bad. You won't do anything. You won't try. And he doesn't see himself as controlling and manipulative. He sees himself as being the responsible husband. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the responsible thing. I'm standing up for my marriage. I'm fighting for my family. He doesn't see himself in this perspective. He sees himself as the responsible husband. And then the last paradigm, or the last position, subconscious operating system that you can operate from, is Defeated Dave. I'm bad. You're bad. I'm a screw-up. You're a screw-up. Women cannot be understood. Human beings are inherently bad, etc., etc. And this is the exhausted husband. So I know some people at this point are going to go, well, I'm all of those, or I'm some of those. It's like, yes, you can move between all of these. These, these— it's not necessary, not necessarily the case that you're operating from one and one alone. You can transition through these, but there is going to be one predominant operating system that you're actually coming from here. But we'll go more into this. So let's look at these in more detail, right? So Righteous Rick, Rightful Rick, his paradigm is he's coming from a perspective of I'm good, You're bad. I'm fighting for this marriage. Why isn't she? I'm willing to go to counseling. Why won't she go? She's— I'm the one that's willing to make the effort. I'm willing to make the change. I'm willing to do the work. She's the problem. She's not willing to do the work. This is the I'm good, you're bad operating system. And again, this Righteous Rick here, he doesn't see himself as that. He sees himself as the responsible husband. And this is the really tragic part about it, about it, right? Righteous Rick is not a bad man. He's not a controlling, manipulative, name-calling, victim-playing man. He's just interpreting the situation wrong. He sees himself as the responsible husband. So, Rick is a good man. He works hard. He provides for his family. He's taking responsibility for the situation, and he truly wants the best for everybody in this situation. But Rick believes he knows what the best decision is. Rick believes he knows what what's right. His truth is he knows what's right. And his position when everything's going wrong and he is absolutely assured in his mind that he's right is somebody has to take the reins here. Somebody has to do the right thing here. Somebody has to make the right decision. So when his wife disagrees with him, Rick believes that she's just being unreasonable and that he knows, he knows that he's coming from a good place. He knows he's trying to save the marriage. So Rick takes control. And a person that takes control is controlling. So he corrects her, he explains why she's wrong, he explains the damage that she's doing, he overrules her decisions, he dismisses her perspective because his perspective is good and hers is bad. And we've had this conversation with many, many of you. When I say you're being controlling, you're being manipulative, it's not that you're a controlling, manipulative, horrible human being. This is why this is happening. You're running an operating system that you're unaware of that is causing you to control while at the same time viewing yourself as being righteous in the situation. So Rick doesn't believe he's controlling. He doesn't see that he's controlling, and he doesn't understand that his controlling behavior is doing damage. In his mind, he's being responsible. He's the grown-up in the room. He's the adult. Which makes it very difficult to reach Rick, to give him the correct course of action to save the marriage, because he believes he's the only one willing to do the responsible thing. Rick thinks, I'm good, she's bad. I'm good, you're bad. His wife doesn't experience the same thing, though. What his wife, what Rick's wife experiences is, my opinion doesn't matter in this relationship. She doesn't feel like an equal or a partner or his wife. She feels dismissed. She feels corrected, and she feels unheard, and this is how a good man can destroy a marriage inadvertently. He just has bad information. He just has the wrong interpretation, and he's been given the wrong operating system. If you cause your wife to feel dismissed, corrected, unheard, unvalued, and unequal in the relationship, even though from your perspective you're doing the right thing, you're being the grown-up, the adult in the room, Do you think she's going to stay in this marriage? Do you think she's going to come to you with open arms and say, thank you for being that man? So the tragedy here for Righteous Rick is the harder that he tries to save his marriage, the harder that he tries to protect his marriage, the more he actually undermines the marriage, the more damage he inflicts on the marriage in that process, and he gets further and further away from the truth. Rick develops the mentality that the harder I try, the worse it gets. So either women cannot be understood, women are defective, modern marriage is defective, it doesn't exist anymore. Comes up, has to come up with some story to reconcile the fact that he's a good man trying hard to save his marriage and his wife is just not cooperating. Some, this gap has to be bridged and a story is created which becomes even more detrimental, undermines the marriage even more. So the next one is people, pleasing Pete, which is the paradigm that he's operating from is I'm bad, you're good. Now again, he shows up as the devoted husband. Now this is, this is a paradigm that men often jump into when, when I'll have a consultation and it becomes apparent that the operating system that's running the marriage is I'm good, you're bad, and the man accepts that and sees that, he very often interprets that behavior like, yes, I can see I've been controlling now, Cody. I can see that I've been manipulative. I can see that I've undermined her position in this relationship, and then he immediately shifts to, I'm bad, and you're good. Oh, I can see you actually were trying to save the marriage, and I was somewhat the problem. This is also equally as wrong. So, Pete, again, is a good man. He loves his wife deeply. He wants her to be happy. He's trying to avoid conflicts. He puts her needs ahead of His. This is not a selfish man. But Pete believes that her happiness is his responsibility. It's his job to make her happy, and if she's happy, he's failing. So when his wife is upset, Pete believes that he's done something wrong, and because he's made her happiness his responsibility, he has to fix it now. So Pete tries harder. He apologizes. He people-pleases. He accommodates her. He suppresses his need in the relationship. He seeks reassurance from her that everything's going to be okay, and he's showing up as a very insecure man. But the reality is, again, just as Righteous Rick doesn't see himself as being controlling and manipulative, Pete doesn't see himself as being insecure. He sees himself as being the loving husband. He sees himself as being self-sacrificing. But his wife experiences a completely different man to the man that he's looking at in the mirror. She experiences a man that she feels like she has to manage his feelings. She has to regulate him. She feels responsible for this man's emotional stability. He effectively makes himself a dependent in the relationship. He demotes himself from an equal and a husband. or a leader to another dependent, another child, because she now has become, due to his behavior, responsible for his emotional stability. And in that moment, even expressing disappointment becomes very difficult for her. She has to suppress her own emotions because Pete will not respond well to that. So the tragedy in Pete's marriage— people-pleasing Pete The I'm bad, you're good is the harder that he tries to secure her love, the more pressure she experiences and the further she moves away. The, the very act of trying to bring her close pushes her further away because again, why? He's running an operating system that is in the darkness. He doesn't understand what's driving him. He doesn't understand how he's seeing and interpreting the world, so therefore he interprets it in a way that's been given to him, maybe by how his father treated his mother. Maybe by the movies, maybe by YouTube videos, maybe by books, maybe by movements. Who knows? Now, the next personality type or paradigm that you can choose to adopt or operate out of is Defeated Dave. I'm bad, you're bad. This is hopeless. I'm a screw-up, you're a screw-up. Or, you know, I don't know what I'm doing, you don't know what you're doing. And this manifests itself as the exhausted husband. So Dave, again, these are all good men. We're not talking about bad men here, right? We're talking about men that actually truly want to save their marriage and are taking steps towards it. He's tried repeatedly to save his marriage. He feels very misunderstood because every effort that he's taking to save the marriage is being misinterpreted. I've had many conversations with this where I speak with a man, And when his missteps are pointed out because he's operating from the wrong paradigm, the response is, so everything I do is wrong? And, and the position that's being taken there is, everything that I'm doing wrong, and you're wrong for pointing that out to me. I quite often hear things like, thanks for making me feel really shitty, Cody. And that is the I'm bad, you're bad paradigm. I'm really shitty. For creating this situation, and you're really shitty for pointing this out to me. This is, this is, this is Defeated Dave. This is the I'm bad, you're bad paradigm, how it manifests itself. So he's tried repeatedly, he's misunderstood in his mind, he's experienced years of conflict within the marriage which he's tried to resolve without success, and now he's completely and totally emotionally exhausted. So Defeated Dave believes now, his conclusion is nothing is ever going to change. What's the point Why bother? Why even make the effort? Because it's not going to work anyway. So when his wife complains or brings correction to the table or tries to improve the marriage, Dave just believes this is just another point, a pointless argument coming again, right? Here we go again. Pointless, pointless. So Dave withdraws is the natural result. He stops talking to his wife. He stops talking about the marriage. He avoids conversations because he believes it's pointless. He disconnects emotionally from the marriage, and essentially he gives up. He throws in the white flag and taps out. But here's the thing, right? Let's look at Dave's perspective. He doesn't believe that he's uncaring. He thinks that he's protecting himself. I have to protect myself now. But his wife experiences something completely different in the marriage to how defeated Dave is interpreting the situation. She's experiencing, I'm completely alone in this marriage. She's experiencing, I can't reach this man. She feels abandoned, and because she feels abandoned, she doesn't try, and his silence to her feels like proof that he doesn't care, because he sees the situation as she's bad, he's bad, what's the point? People are bad. Marriage is bad. Everything's bad. Woe is me, and the world sucks. He stops trying. She experiences this as he doesn't care. Now again, what's the tragedy in Dave's situation? The harder he tries to avoid disappointment, which— that's what this is, man, let's be clear. This is just a self-protective mechanism for the man to avoid being disappointed, upset, or have to confront something that he doesn't want to. The harder he tries to avoid the disappointment, the more disconnected his marriage becomes, and the more likely that disappointment actually becomes a reality. Now finally, And if you haven't picked this up yet, there is only one correct position to operate out of, and that is Balanced Ben. I'm good, you're good. And he shows up as the secure partner, the protector, the provider, the prophet, the priest, the father, the husband, the, the woman, the man that your woman is looking for. Again, Ben's a good man. These— there's no difference in, in all of these men. They're all good men. They're all fighting for their marriage, and they're all sincere. Ben understands his value as a human being. He understands his value as a protector, priest, prophet, and provider. He also accepts that he can be wrong, that his position is falsifiable, and he arrives in the marriage from the position of he does not need to win every argument. Hence, anyone who's been around me any length of time will hear me say, do you want to be right, or do you want to be married? Balanced Ben wants to be married more than he wants to be right, but it doesn't mean he just concedes. So Ben's worldview, Ben's paradigm, is he believes 2 good people can disagree on something without either one of those people being a bad person or even being wrong necessarily. When his wife disagrees with him, Ben doesn't automatically necessarily interpret that as, I'm being attacked. Other paradigms necessitate that. I'm bad, you're bad. I'm bad, you're good. These paradigms necessitate that any feedback is essentially taken as an attack, which of course we know how that's going to turn out. So Ben doesn't take these things as an attack. When he gets information that he doesn't understand, he gets curious. He asks questions. He listens. He seeks to understand. He maintains healthy boundaries. Again, let's look at some foundational philosophies for a healthy marriage: seek first to understand before being understood; choose to be married over being right. Ben is living these philosophies. Ben doesn't need to be right. He wants to understand what is right. So what his wife experiences from him is, I can disagree with Ben without him becoming the enemy. I can disagree with him without him making me the enemy, or in other words, emotional safety is being established. She can have an opinion. She has room to be herself. Her perspective can matter in the relationship, Even when Ben disagrees with it. Now, Ben's advantage here, his winning edge, it isn't necessarily that he has fewer problems. He doesn't have fewer problems. He's with the same dysfunctional woman in the same dysfunctional marriage. We're all dysfunctional, and we're all struggling to get along. No one person has fewer problems, right? The difference here is Ben interprets those problems through a different lens, through a different paradigm, which produces a different result. So what we have here is 4 good men, and you're going to fall into one of those categories. We've got 4 good men that are running 4 completely different operating systems beneath the hood. You've got Rick, who's operating from a perspective of, I'm good, you're bad. Pete is operating from the perspective of, I'm bad, you're good. Dave is operating from, I'm bad, you're bad, and Ben, the only winner in this game, is operating from, I'm good, you're good. So as we can see, there is only one operating system that works here. Same marriage, different beliefs, very different results. So Righteous Rick, I'm good, you're bad, more conflict. People-pleasing Pete— more distance, more conflict. Defeated Dave— same problem, creates withdrawal, disconnection, reinforces hopelessness, ended the marriage. Balanced Ben is what you were shooting for. The secure partner who builds understanding, creates respect, strengthens connection, and listens. This leads to a healthier marriage. So again, men, hopefully you can see that it's not what happens to you in the marriage. It's what you believe about what happens to you which is way more important. You can genuinely be trying to pull the thorn out of the paw of the lion and still get eaten if that lion believes you're trying to harm it. So let's put this into a— into reality, right? The paradigm shift in action. Make an example of this. So this is from Stephen Covey's book, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People. He talks about a man with 3 children on a a public train, children behaving very, very badly. And as the journey goes on, the behavior deteriorates and the other passengers become increasingly frustrated until finally someone cracks it and comes up to him and says, sir, please get your children under control. This is a public space and this is unacceptable. And the man goes, you're absolutely right, it is unacceptable, and I'm very sorry, but we've just come from the hospital. My children have just lost their mother. I've just lost my wife. And I don't really know how to help them deal with it, and they don't know how to deal with it, and quite frankly, I don't really know how to deal with it. So I'm sorry, I'll do my best. Now, did those passengers change their perspective of this man? Did they go from anger and rage into sympathy and understanding, empathy? Did they go from wanting to get that man kicked off the train and wanting to help that man? The situation entirely changed in snap of a finger, not because the situation changed, but because the paradigm shifted of the people on the train. Your marriage does not need to change for it to change. Your paradigm needs to change. Once your paradigm shifts, the marriage changes, and without that paradigm shift, it will never change. Until you make the unconscious conscious, and you consciously choose your operating system, and the only operating system that actually will support the outcome that you are looking for, you will continue To inadvertently destroy your marriage, and you will call it faith, female psychology, the black box, the death of relationship in modern society. You can blame feminism, whatever you want. You'll find a reason. So now let's run an experiment, men. Let's really ram this home. What happens when all 4 men hear the same words? How do they respond? Let's run this experiment. So the phrase from the woman, from the wife, you never listen to me. Has anybody ever heard that? Probably. Same wife, same words, 4 different interpretations from 4 separate paradigms. Righteous Rick hears, who's operating from the I'm a good man, you're a bad woman, I'm trying, you're not paradigm, hears, you're unfairly criticizing me again, and the response from Rick is defense, to defend himself and to justify that he does listen, right? You don't listen to me. He's going to say, yeah, of course I listen to you. I listened to you last yesterday. You said this. Of course I'm listening to you. I listen to you all the time. I'm a good listener. You're the problem because you're not recognizing my listening. I'm good, you're bad. Defensive response, negative result. People-pleasing Pete, right? I'm bad, you're bad is his operating system. You never listen to me. He hears, I'm failing you again, and he apologizes. Who've we got here? Can somebody turn your mic off, please?

Sorry, I muted.

We've got Defeated Dave, the I'm bad, you're bad paradigm. You're not listening to me, Dave. You never hear what I'm saying. Dave hears nothing I do is ever right. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. I'm trying. I can't get it right, and even if I did, you'd criticize me anyway. So his response in that situation is to withdraw. Balance Ben, the I'm good, you're bad operate— oh, I'm good, you're good operating system. When she says, you never listen to me, or, you don't hear me, he hears she doesn't feel heard, and he gets curious. He starts asking questions. Well, what have I got wrong here? What have I missed? What would need to happen for her to feel heard? What is she trying to Communicate here. Same words, four different realities, four different outcomes. Three of those marriages is probably going to end. One of those marriages stands a chance. The wife was not required to change. The marriage was not required to change. What was required was a different paradigm of interpretation. Let's do another one. I need some space from you right now. Let's look at the same request in the four different interpretations: righteous, rich. She can't just shut me out. What do you mean she wants space? I'm trying to save this marriage. She can't do this. So he pushes for a conversation. How much space? What? We need to talk about this. I know you've asked for space, but I'm trying to save this marriage, and this marriage requires conversation. So I'm going to impose myself upon you because I'm the responsible one who's willing to talk this through. and solve this problem. You're the one that wants to run away. I'm, I'm, I'm good, and because I think I'm good, it gives me the right to just ride roughshod over your request for space and make you the bad guy in this situation. Again, Rick is not a bad man. Let's keep in mind, Rick is a man truly trying to save his marriage. And many of you, when I say you're being controlling, you're being manipulative, I'm not saying you're a controlling, manipulative asshole. I'm saying that you're coming from a good place, you're just getting bad results. Remember, good men, bad information, predictable results. The, the solution is trainable skills. People pleasing Pete, what does he do? She's going to leave me, I need space. She's going to leave me, Cody. She's leaving. She told me she needs space. I can't. What do I do? How do I change her mind? How do I tell her she doesn't need space? How do I close the gap? What do I do, Cody? He chases and seeks reassurance. Denying the very thing that she's asked for. And defeated Dave, his position is, right, here we go again. Just a matter of time, right? I knew this was going to happen, Cody. I did everything you told me to do, but she still wants out. Doesn't matter what I do, I get it wrong. Doesn't matter what I do, she won't receive it. I'm bad, she's bad. Here we go again. And of course he disconnects. With predictable outcomes. Now, Balanced Ben goes, she needs something I don't fully understand. When she goes, I need space, he doesn't say this is the end of the marriage. He says she's asking for something right now that I don't fully understand why she's asking for it, so I'm going to respect her request and I'm going to seek more information. Can you see how the exact same words, the exact same interpretation, can produce a very different result with the exact same woman, and if you don't understand that the unconscious is running your life, that the situation within your marriage is not inevitable, and it does not require her to transform, then you're on some very shaky ground in trying to save a marriage. Let's look at another one. I don't think I love you anymore. Terrifying. Righteous Rick goes, after everything I've done for you, everything— sweat, blood, tears— gave the best years of my life, sacrificed every day. I'm a good man. I did everything that was required. This is how you, bad wife, repay me? And of course he's going to argue and justify. Now, is Rick a bad guy, or is that what— is that how he sees the situation? Of course. But he can only see the situation that way because his operating paradigm is, I'm good, you're bad. Anything that is given to him fundamentally is going to be interpreted, I'm a good guy and you're a screw-up. That simply cannot stand. People pleasing— Pete, when his wife says, I don't love you anymore, he goes, I'm just not good enough. I'm just not enough for her. And then he goes into begging. Pleading, chasing, very unattractive behaviors. Defeated Dave goes, well, I knew this was going to happen, Cody. I told you this was going to happen. All this crap you filled me full of— when your attitude is right, the facts don't matter. I knew it was a bunch of trash. You're just a— you're a shyster and I'm a screw-up. And the result is to give up. The inevitable outcome to a man that's operating on an I'm bad, you're a bad paradigm. A man that's operating under that system cannot save his marriage, cannot build his business, cannot transform his health, cannot grow his finances. Nothing is going to work in any area of your life under these paradigms. And Balanced Ben goes, well, when his wife tells him, I don't love you anymore, which is unlikely he's going to hear, but he will go, something has changed in how she experiences our marriage. Let me listen to her. Let me understand where the shift happened. Let me see if I can diagnose the problems instead of jumping to the conclusion that I've screwed up or she's screwed up or she— I'm bad, you're bad, etc. I want a divorce. Rightful, right, guys. She's just destroying our family. Damn that woman. I'm— I want to fight for this. She's not having a bone of it. Blame and control is the outcome. People pleasing, pleasing P. I'm losing everything, Cody. I'm losing my whole life. His response is panic, desperation, depression, mental spiral into despair and depravity. Defeated Dave believes, this is absolutely hopeless, just resigns, gives up. But Balanced Ben goes, this is a very serious situation. I need to choose my response carefully in this situation. I need to seek counsel. I need to understand what's going on before responding. He regulates himself. He chooses his actions responsibly. And he may— he seeks to understand the situation truly before acting like a monkey with a machine gun and sinking the dinghy, the lifeboat that you were both on. Now again here, hopefully you're seeing the event didn't determine the response from the man. The interpretation or the paradigm that the man is running, the operator, the hidden operating system that he is operating out of, is what actually shaped the response and what actually shaped The marriage. So here's the real problem. Your beliefs don't feel like beliefs to you. They feel like facts. And as long— especially if you're operating out of a Righteous Rick paradigm, if feelings of— if feelings are facts, then you have everything you need to behave any way you want, because you believe that what you feel is true, and that justifies any level of behavior within the marriage because you're fundamentally saying, I know for a fact what I'm doing is being done from a place of saving this marriage, which may be true, but what you're failing to acknowledge is the damage that that's actually doing. So Rick doesn't see that I'm seeing this situation through superiority. He thinks that she's being unreasonable because your feeling is a fact. You now, you, you take the moral high ground, you take a position of superiority and go, I know this to be a fact. This is not my opinion, Cody. this is a fact. It's a fact this happened. It's a fact. No, it's a feeling, brother. You had a feeling. The number of times I'll speak with a man and he goes, she's having an affair, she's doing this, and just badmouthing his wife from here to next Christmas. And it's like, what's your source of truth on that? Well, I just have a feeling. She's behaving unreasonably. She's behaving irrationally. I got a text. I saw a text message from someone on her phone I didn't understand. Therefore, I feel like she's having an affair. The feeling becomes a fact, the fact becomes a behavior, and because you're in the I'm good, you're bad paradigm, a position of moral superiority appear— appears. So you're no longer an equal, you're superior in the relationship. Pete doesn't think— or Pete thinks— doesn't believe that he's seeing his wife through insecurity. He doesn't look at himself and go, I'm a very insecure man. He thinks, I'm failing her. Dave doesn't go, I'm seeing the marriage through a lens of hopelessness. Everything— in fact, I'm seeing the whole world through a lens of hopelessness because I'm bad, you're bad. Situation in the Middle East is hopeless. The oil prices are hopeless. The world is hopeless. The political situation is hopeless. The world is hopeless. It's like, this is lose-lose, Dave. Everything's hopeless today. He doesn't see that his, that his paradigm is the problem. He sees that the marriage is hopeless, and that's the problem. Because the marriage feels hopeless, his, his, his feeling of hopelessness is not a feeling, it's a fact. I don't feel hopeless because I'm a hopeless person. It's just a fact, Cody. I'm just responding to a fact. No, it's a feeling, brother, that you created through your paradigm. Change your paradigm, you change your feeling. You change your feeling, You change your perspective, you change your perspective, you change your marriage, you change your life. The only thing hopeless here is your perspective. So here's the problem, right? Whatever paradigm you are operating out of, man, your worldview is creating evidence that confirms it. Your belief creates a behavior that creates a response that creates a confirmation bias within you. So, Rick's invisible loop here is he believes that she's unreasonable, so he dismisses her opinion because it's unreasonable. She becomes very frustrated with being dismissed. He sees her frustration and withdrawal as proof that she is unreasonable, and as a result, his feeling becomes that he needs to take more control because he's the only adult in the room, and he produces a confirmation bias of, see, Cody, I was right. I told you this was gonna happen. Pete's invisible loop is he believes that he's not good enough, so he seeks constant reassurance from his wife, from his employer, from his employees, from the people around him. So, that person feels pressure to constantly having to emotionally regulate that person, so that person withdraws from the relationship. He sees the The withdrawal that he has created through his own neediness as proof that she wants out. He doesn't see himself as causing the problem. He only sees her behavior as the problem. He does not— he's detached from the cause and effect relationship, the sowing and the reaping. He sees this as proof that she's leaving the marriage, so he becomes more desperate. He becomes more insecure. His self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence gets even lower. And he says, see, Cody, I told you I'm losing her. He doesn't see the problem as being his self-esteem, his confidence, and he doesn't see the solution as being solving your self-esteem problem. Solve your self-worth problem. See yourself as a valuable human being and your marriage will change. The problem is not that your wife is not willing to work on the marriage. The problem is that you don't think you're good enough for this marriage, and you— confirmation bias will prove that to you. So what if the evidence you're using to justify your behavior in this marriage is the result of your behavior? What if the evidence and the situation and circumstances that you're using to control is actually the result of the control that you're seeking? So my question to you is, which man are you? You're gonna— there's only 4 possibilities. Do the math. You are one of these 4 men. And the answer at this point, as we said at the beginning of this video, is you might actually be all 4. You may— you— there may be elements of all 4 within you, but the question is, you're going to predominantly be operating out of one. So You, you can legitimately move through these positions within the marriage. So in a calm conversation with your wife, you can show up as Balanced Ben because your self-esteem is not being challenged or your self-righteousness is not being challenged. So in that position, you can be Balanced Ben. But when your judgment becomes challenged in your mind, you all of a sudden transform into Righteous Rick. And then when your wife's had enough of Righteous Rick's control and manipulation and she decides she leaves, All of a sudden, you shift into People Pleasing Pete, and you're willing to work on everything, and you're willing to do the work and show up into a program like this or watch a video like this until it goes badly, until you get some bad news. And then all of a sudden, you transform into Defeated Dave, and you just throw the towel in and give up. So as you can see, it is very possible to be all of these simultaneously, but ultimately, you're going to be one. And when you're really pushed, Your dominant operating system is going to come out. So the danger here is, it isn't— your most destructive reactions come up when you feel threatened. So when you feel most threatened in your marriage, that's when your true dominant operating system will appear. So you can be Balanced Ben most of the time. And you can still do tremendous damage when you become Righteous Rick or People Pleasing Pete or Defeated Dave in the moment when, when, when she cracks it, loses it, when she's triggered, when she challenges you. This is why it's your job to be stronger than the emotional, the emotional state of the marriage. You have to show up as, as Balanced Ben all of the time. That has to be your objective, you know. And I know the Defeated Dave right now is going to go, well, it's really hard, Cody. How can I do that? So you're saying You're saying I have to be perfect all the time, Cody. That's what you're saying. Defeated Dave, you can just exit the video right now because there's no hope for you. The standard has to be Balanced Ben all of the time. This is the protector, the provider, the prophet, the priest. This is the high-status male. This is the man that no woman will ever leave. That's the goal to move towards, the target. So my question to you is not, or my objective here is not to make you wrong and say that your interpretations of the situation are wrong or you're bad. Hopefully you're seeing that. My question to you, what if your interpretation is not wrong but simply incomplete? She may not be an unreasonable woman. She may simply be disagreeing with you. She may not be rejecting you. She may simply be overwhelmed in the moment and needs to step away because she doesn't have the emotional capacity to handle what's going on. Your marriage may not be in a hopeless condition. You may just be repeating the same broken approach over and over and over again that isn't working. Or as Einstein said, you're actively engaging in the very definition of insanity, which is to perform the same act over and over and expect a different result. So what's the solution? We very well hopefully established the problem at this point. You can see how this is problematic in a marriage. So let's go into the solution. The solution here is the Paradigm Shift Method, as I call it, or our outcome, our objective, our learning objective is let's make the unconscious conscious. Let's surface the operating system that's tremendously destructive to our marriage, and let's replace it with a more healthy one. So this is a very simple process. Doesn't require a PhD in psychology. It requires 3 simple questions that I would encourage you to get in the habit of asking yourself in every situation of life, because this is going to make you a more well-rounded, happier human being. Question 1 is, what am I believing about myself? Am I good or am I bad? This is the question. In any given moment, what are you believing about yourself? You have Only two positions you can take: good or bad. I'm a good guy trying to save this marriage, or I'm just a big screw-up and I can't ever get it right. Question number two is: What am I believing about the counterparty in this interaction? What am I believing about my wife? Is she good or is she bad? Now, a great example here is what. Why am I doing this lesson today? Do I view myself as good? I'm doing it because I genuinely want to help me. I'm viewing myself as good. I could go, well, screw everybody, I'm just doing it for the money, I couldn't give a crap, right? I'm not here because I'm— because I want to help people. I'm here because it pays and I've got mortgage to pay, right? I could— that would be the I'm bad paradigm. But I choose— I choose to go with I'm doing this because I genuinely want to help. Now I know a lot of the men— I know you're watching the live workshop here, I know a lot of you, and I could easily go That guy's just a butthead. That guy's just a controlling, manipulative piece of crap. That guy just wants, wants me to give him the tools to control and manipulate his wife. Like, how am I viewing you? Or I could go, he's shown up to this call, he's taken the time out of his busy day. He's— what are we at, 45 minutes or whatever we're at into this call? He's given time. It's a good man who genuinely cares. He's just misguided, or he has an operating system he has not yet uncovered. Both positions on both sides of the argument are available to, to me. I can take an I'm good, I'm bad view of myself, and I can take an I'm good or you're bad, you're good view of you, or any combination of those. We need to uncover what is going on in the moment. And question number 3 is, what else could be true? What might I be missing here? This is what caused the paradigm shift on the train. Those people did not stop to ask what else could be true or what else could be missing. I tell the story of the man I worked with who was a CEO, and he's doing a board meeting, and there's somebody in the, in the meeting who is talking. He starts the meeting and she's talking, and he just thinks, how rude. And he gets more and more irritated, and he's getting ready just to blow up, and he asks the question, what else? What could I be missing? I'm coming from the perspective of I'm good, I'm trying to hold a meeting to benefit this company, and you're bad, you're just being rude. Long story short, the woman was legally deaf. She didn't— she couldn't hear. She was disabled. By stopping and deciding that I'm going to operate from a perspective of I'm good, you're good, and if I can't see how she's being good right now, I'm simply missing something and there's something true that I'm missing. He saved himself an awful lot of embarrassment in that situation. So the shift here again, you don't have to believe your first interpretation of the situation. You are allowed to question it, and I highly encourage you do. So Righteous Rick can go from, my wife is being unreasonable, which creates defense and control. Balanced— he can turn to Balanced Ben in the snap of a finger, which is, my wife may have a perspective that I haven't considered or I don't understand. His response then becomes to listen and to ask questions. Same situation, same woman, different belief produces a different behavior, produces a very, very different outcome within the marriage. So let's make some clarification. So I'm good, you're good does not mean we're both always right. Simply does not. It's not a concession that I'm right and you're right as well. It's not happy clappy, yay, we're all right all the time. I can be wrong without being bad. You, you can engage in behavior that is actually controlling and manipulative without being a bad man. You, you can do that unintentionally and out of— from a place of ignorance and a lack of understanding. That doesn't make you bad. It makes the behavior unproductive to the outcome. She can be wrong about something without being bad in the same way. Second part to this is understanding does not require agreement. I can listen to your political view and not agree with it. I can listen and understand your religious view and not agree with it. Me respecting your position and saying that if that's your position, it's not my position, but I can see how you got there and I respect it, is not me— it's not me surrendering to your position. This does not require simping. This does not— there's going to be men in this that go, so the woman's always right then, I have to give in. No, that's, that's I'm bad, you're good. This is a broken philosophy, right? Respect doesn't require surrender. You can challenge your behavior without attacking your identity here. This is the key. How do you make a man I understand that he's being controlling in his behavior without being a controlling man in his identity. Your behavior can be controlling while never seeing that. Simply because you engage in controlling behavior does not mean that you have to adopt the identity of a controlling man. You can be— you can very easily and very likely are in the position, I'm a good man who's accidentally engaged in bad behavior through poor information that's produced predictable results. And now let's get the training the, the trainable skills that's going to transform this marriage. You don't need to challenge your identity here necessarily. So here's the bottom line, man. Your marriage may not be what you think it is. You may be— you may have been fighting for your interpretation of your wife instead of actively trying to understand your wife. You're seeking to be— you're not seeking to understand before being understood. So before your next reaction, the next landmine, stupid button you hit, ask yourself, what am I believing about myself right now? What am I believing about my wife right now? What am I believing about this collectively? And what else could be true in this situation? Am I responding to my wife in the moment, or am I responding to my interpretation of my wife through a faulty paradigm that's going to cause me problems? So the bottom line is this, man. When you change how you see your marriage through a paradigm shift, you change how you show up in your marriage. You cannot control your wife, and you cannot control how she responds to you, but you can change what you bring to every interaction within your marriage. That is within your control. And here's the paradigm problem that we're solving today. You don't respond to your wife currently. Your behavior is not— you're not responding to your wife's behavior. You're not responding to the marriage. You're responding to what you believe to be true about the marriage. You're responding to what you believe to be true about your wife and what you believe to be true, in fact, may not be true. Highly, highly biased through your paradigm. So Here's the conclusion, men. Here's the takeaway, the one big idea. Write it down. When you change how you see your marriage, the marriage you see will change. This is how you transform a marriage from the inside out. This is how you change the situation without needing her to change, without addressing her problems, any of those things. When you change how you see the marriage, when you uncover your operating system And you replace it with a more powerful, more productive, more supportive operating system, I promise you the marriage that you're seeing will change. So if you've watched this all the way to the end, there's something that I know about you, and that is that you are very serious about saving your marriage. And if you want help with that, if you were thinking, I'd love to have your advice, I'd love to have you coach me, Cody, personally, then check out Coach Cody AI, the link in the description. This is exactly what it's been created for. It is my digital mind trained on over 5,000 real coaching calls over the last 10 years, and it gives you 24-hour, 7-day-a-week access to marriage coaching when you need it most. Coach Cody AI, check it out. God bless you, and I'll see you soon.