Why Better Communication Won’t Fix Your Marriage (And What Actually Works)

All right guys, so I want to cover the basics today. So this presentation is titled Why She Wants a Divorce and Why Better Words Won't Fix It. So as I mentioned, we've got, we've got quite a few new men on the call today. So what wins games is set plays. It's the basics that win the games. You don't have to be exceptional and extraordinary to save your marriage, but you do have to do ordinary things exceptionally well. That's what it comes down to. So, uh, to give you some context of what I'm going to talk about today, uh, it's easy— it's better if we have boxes to put stuff in, otherwise it's just a data stream of information and we don't really know where to put it. So the, the basic premise that you can take to any training that I do, any, any, any one-to-one call or group call that you're on with me, or any Q&A, anything, the, the container that we're putting this information into is the idea that There's only 2 reasons that really actually move the needle within the marriage, and understanding those 2 reasons make it very, very easy where to file this information and also how to, how to affect change, how to make things different, right? So the 2 things that are important are there's only 2 reasons that she said yes to marrying you, and that was she loved the way that you made her feel. She liked how she felt around you. You made her feel special. and she saw that a future with you was, was a better option than a future without you. Those are the only two, those are the only two buckets really, and now that she's leaving the marriage, or threatening to leave the marriage, or has left the marriage, it's because the opposite is true of those two buckets, right? She doesn't like the way that she feels around you, she doesn't like the way that you make her feel, and she sees now that a future with you is a worse option than a future without you, or a future without you is a better option than a future with you, and everything, anything that we can do, or anything that's said, or any situation that arises, comes into one of those 2 buckets, right? It's about how she feels around you, or it's about the future that she sees with you. And as we go through this, I've got a lot of information to go through, a lot of data to cover today in this presentation. File it in one of those 2 buckets, and it's going to give you the context of how to use this information in a prac— in a practical way to actually move the needle within your marriage. So the, uh, the hypothesis within this presentation is that better words won't fix your marriage. A lot of, a lot of men show up looking for help, and their question is, how, how, what do I say? What do I do? Give me the text message. Give me the apology to say. Give me, give me the words that fix this. And the reality is there are no words that, that are going to fix this. So let's continue on now. So the main problem here is she's not leaving you because you have not found the right words. She's leaving you because she no longer believes that life with you is going to get any better. She's looking at, she's looking at the life that you're providing, or in other words, the future that you're presenting to her, and she doesn't believe that it's going to get better, and she doesn't believe that it, that you are a better option than going this alone or going this with, going this, uh, with somebody else, right? This is actually the main problem. So she no longer believes in the direction of you, your direction. She no longer believes your promises. She no longer believes your ability to change. She no longer believes your ability to build a better future. Now I'm generalizing here, but You get the idea, right? You know, I'm trying to give you the, you know, the way she's seeing this relationship. Each situation is going to be slightly different, but it's going to be in this ballpark. These are going to be the general— generalized problems. So to change her mind about this divorce, it's not about a better message. You don't have a messaging problem. You need a better mission, and you need to become a better man. Because ultimately, it's not that you're not saying the right things. She doesn't— one, she doesn't like the direction that the marriage is going in, or she doesn't like the mission. And 2, even if she liked the mission, she wouldn't like the man that's taking her there. You know, a good analogy for this is driving in a car, right? Going on vacation or somewhere. It's like she doesn't like the destination that she's going to. She wanted to go to the beach and you're taking her to the mountains. And even if she did like the destination, she's not thrilled about the person that she's going to the destination with. This is the challenge. So a lot of times men will present a better future without becoming a better man. And it's basically, that's, it's exactly the same as saying, well, you don't want to go to the, to the, to the beach, I'll take you to the mountains, or you don't want to go to the mountains, I'll take you to the beach. Without actually addressing the fact that the bigger issue is the man that's driving the car, not the destination. The destination only actually becomes significantly important when she's happy to be with the man that's driving the car here. So the problem that many have is that you think that you need better words. If you can find the right words, you can change the situation. So many men are looking for the right text, the right apology, the right thing to say. Tell me what to say, Cody. The right way to explain themselves. If she only understood my position, if she only understood the truth, if she only understood what actually happened, that would change everything. The right promise. If I promise her the better future, if I promise her the change, etc., etc., etc. Or the right conversation to change her mind. These are the mechanisms that most men believe are going to move the needle within their marriage and the fact they're not and what the man believes Is that if she understood me, she'd stay. If I explained myself better, she's just not understanding the situation. I get this all the time when when I when I work with men, and they'll they'll go let me explain Cody, and I'll give them a situation, or they'll give me a situation, and I say so what you're actually saying is this, and it's quite can be quite negative sometimes, or quite detrimental to the marriage. And they're like no no no, I don't think you understand. And it just goes on and on, and finally you know I have to say what you're actually saying. The reason you keep saying, I don't understand, is because you're of the opinion that if you under— if I understood what you were saying, I would agree with you. And what I'm fundamentally saying is, I understand what you're saying and I still don't agree with you. Or in other words, what's your priority here? Do you want to be right and agreed with, or do you want to be married? And the issue is not that you're not explaining yourself or she doesn't understand the situation. The issue is that she doesn't like the way she feels around you anymore, and she sees that a future with you is better than a future— or future without you is better than a future with you. And again, let's look at these. Each, each one of these can fit into one of those 2 buckets, right? If she understood me, she'd stay. Well, that's like if I educate her, right? If I treat her like— if, you know, like get that schoolteacher energy, if I explain myself better, if I get that schoolteacher energy, if I show her that she's wrong, if I show her that she's just misunderstood this situation and she's wrong. It's like nobody wants to be, be constantly shown they're wrong. This falls into the I don't like how I feel around you right now category. I'm trying to explain how I feel and all you're doing is telling me that I'm wrong, etc., etc. If I made bigger promises, then she would believe me. Not true. So I'm also, by the way, going to go into all the solutions to this in this presentation as well. So I'm not just going to load you up with negativity and problems here. I am going to give you the solutions as we get into it. So the truth of the matter is she already understands what you're saying. She just doesn't believe it. It's not an I don't understand issue. It's an I don't believe you issue. And the problem is not the message that you're delivering. The problem is that it is the man delivering the message. She simply doesn't believe you anymore. And when she doesn't believe you because of, in many cases, your own actions have made your words worthless, then the words that you use to make those promises no longer carry any weight anymore. So what's going on here typically is that you're trying to find better words to resolve this marriage issue, to resolve the problem, when actually you just need to build a better life. Is what it is. And again, this is like saying, well, in a business scenario, saying I'm getting a lot of refunds, Cody, and a lot of clients and a lot of customers are not happy with my product. How do I change the messaging to reduce that? Well, there's no messaging that's going to make a crappy product good. There's no way to fix that underlying problem if you have a lot of refunds without building a better product. You have to have a better product. There's no two ways about that. And when we put it into that context, it becomes very easy, right? If customers are unsatisfied with your product, the product— the problem is not a messaging issue. The problem is a product issue. And that is exactly what's going on here. You're trying to find better messaging to resolve the problem when actually the product needs to be improved. So again, problem number 2 is she no longer believes in the future that you're presenting to her. She's— before, she believed that a future with you was a significantly better option or even her best option. than a future without you. Now she doesn't believe in that future anymore. So what your wife is really asking in the lead-up to separation, and also in the separation, and whether she's gonna come back or not, it really comes down to this: will life with you, John, ever get better, or is this it? Is this my reality from now on? Will this marriage ever feel different than it does right now? Because the only way this marriage can ever feel different, and the only way this life can ever get better, is you, John, have to change. The same man cannot produce a different outcome, and she's rejecting that outcome categorically. So the man that says, why should I have to change? Well, you don't have to change. There's no, there's no law or rule that says you have to change, but there's consequences. She's asking the question, will you really change? This is why the promises don't work, right? Will that change last is what she's asking herself. Will she, will she still feel this way 5 years from now? This is the real question, right, that causes women to leave marriages. 5 years from now, am I still going to be this? Is this going to be the same? And if we put ourselves in that same situation, man, And I ask this question all the time. If, if we fast-forwarded 5 years and the only difference, the only thing that had actually changed in your life was your hair was a little bit grayer, you had a few more wrinkles and you was 5 years older, you were still dealing with the same problems, the same challenges, the same insecurities, pains, fears, et cetera, et cetera, the same situation. Is that acceptable to you? And I've not met a man yet who says, yes, that is absolutely— it's catastrophic for most men. When you present it that way to the vast majority of men, if not all men, they're going to say, absolutely not. If I'm still where I am suffering from the same challenges and problems and pains in 5 years that I am right now, that is absolutely categorically unacceptable to me. Well, that, that's how your wife's looking at the situation. She's fast-forwarding 5 years or 10 years and going, if this doesn't change, can I live with that? Is that acceptable to me? And quite often we criticize our wives for rejecting a future that we don't accept ourselves. She's also asking, is staying with me a better option than leaving? Is staying with you a better option than leaving? If she's leaving, then we have the answer to that question. She's thought this through. And we let reality guide us. We let reality be our mentor. If she's leaving, she believes that leaving you is a better option than staying. If she is leaving you, she has decided that you are not going to change and that future is not acceptable to her. If she is still leaving, she is not seeing change, or she has decided that you are unreliable and that change will not last. This is what reality is test— is teaching us. This is what reality is telling us. This is the truth of the matter, not how we feel about it. So again, I've used this before, but let's go through this. So this is what I call my hope tolerance curve. So what happens here is when the woman has 100% hope— this is, this is early on in the marriage or even pre-marriage, right? Like, she goes, oh, I just love him for who he is, and I accept him for who he is. He's a womanizing drug addict, alcoholic, but I, I just love him for who he is, and whoever he is, I'll accept him. That's not true. She doesn't accept it. She has 100% hope that she can change it or it will change. And as long as, as long as she has 100% hope that that— let's just go with alcoholism, right? Alcohol, excessive alcohol use as an example. As long as she has 100% hope that excessive alcohol use will come to an end at some point and stop, she has 100% tolerance for that behavior. And she will say things like, I accept you for who you are and I will love you forever, no matter what. But as that hope diminishes, right, when we're at 50% hope, now she's starting to get a little bit different, right? Now she's not quite so tolerant of that behavior. Now she's going, maybe he'll change, maybe he won't, but if, you know, there's still some hope that he'll change. But if he doesn't change, I'm not going to be very tolerant of that because I only accepted that behavior because I believed it would change. Now we can throw out there, so she's the one that's changed. Yeah, absolutely. She's the one that's changed, but it doesn't change the reality that she's going to leave the marriage if you don't accept this. We want to deal with what is, not what should be, right? And as we get down to the bottom here, now she's at the point where many of you find yourself. She's got no hope of seeing any change. She's— the question to her is now being posed. If my life is exactly the same 10 years from now, and those 10 years have been just You know, the same year repeated over and over and over again. Is that acceptable to me? No, absolutely not. If my husband is still an alcoholic, just as a point here, it could be anything, any indiscretion, right? Any bad behavior. It could be temper, whatever. If my husband is still exactly the same in 10 years as he is right now, I have zero tolerance for that. Zero. I will— I can't tolerate that. And somewhere around here where the hope reduces to a significantly low point, the tolerance reduces to a significantly low point, and this is where the decision for exit happens. So to get— to even get her to reconsider, we got to start going back up in this direction, right? We got to start introducing some hope into the marriage, and explaining your behavior doesn't do that. The only thing that does that is transformation. So the deeper problem, man, is the future that she sees with you just isn't exciting to her anymore, you know? And I'm saying that in the nicest way possible. In some, many cases, it's not, it's not that it doesn't excite her, it's that it disgusts her, that it appalls her, that it's completely and utterly unacceptable to her. In the same way that for you, if your life was exactly the same 5 years from now, to say, well, I'm not excited about that, would be a little bit of an understatement, right? So what she sees in this situation, and remember, just keep this in the 2 buckets, loves the way you feel, she feels around you, or hates it. Future with you is what she's looking at. What she is seeing in your current scenario is all she's seeing is more of the same. He's going to make more promises and break them. He's just going to pile more stress onto this marriage. I'm going to become increasingly lonely within this marriage because I feel disconnected, unseen, unheard, and appreciated. Yada, yada, yada. My levels of disappointment are going to continue, continue to grow, and There's that. All this is going to be is more waiting for you to change, resulting in more disappointment, more broken promises, etc., etc. You see, we've got a cycle going on here. This is how she's seeing the marriage, and this is what she's saying no to. We have to understand this. Don't like the future with a man who breaks promises. Don't like how I feel when he creates stress all the time. Don't like feeling lonely all the time. Don't like experiencing Disappointment. I'm tired of waiting for change. This all fits into the two categories, right? So here's the thing: she's not only leaving the man that you are today and the man that you have been; she's leaving the future you, and she's leaving the future that she believes you will create. And this is the key understanding here, right? If you can take this, if you can understand this, man, you understand where. The problem really, really lies. The problem is not so much in what's happened in the past or what you've done. The problem truly exists in that she can't tolerate the future that you're presenting to her, or in other words, bucket number 2, right? She believes that the future with you is a worse option than the future without you. She no longer believes in the future that you're gonna create. She's looking at you going, this is the future that this man is going to create for this marriage. And I don't believe in that, and I don't buy into that anymore. This is where the work needs to take place, in creating that future. And it doesn't happen by explaining the past. It happens by becoming a man who can carry more weight, has a bigger vision, has a real mission, that believes in something, etc., etc. We're going to cover this. So, a better future for her has 2 parts. Part one is where are you going, right? What do you want to build? What kind of life do you want? What kind of family do you want? What do you what do you want your marriage to become? What do you want to achieve in in your life? Where do what do you want to change? What do you want your life to actually stand for? What do you want your life to stand against? What do you want your family to experience on an ongoing basis? And if you if we look at this man, we could have answered all of those questions twenty years ago. When we're in, as men, when we're in our 20s and we're building that future, we're building that empire, right? We're very clear about what we want to build. We're very clear about all of these things. We're driven. We're motivated. We're inspired. But now we're at 40. We're at 50. We may even be older and we've hit a lot of these things. We're financially secure. We've built the business. We've built the empire. We have the influence. We have the reach. We have the toys. We have the wealth. We have the things. That we set out, that motivated us and drove us in our 20s. And now we just sit on the couch and eat Doritos and watch football on Sunday. We've lost our mojo. We've lost our drive. We've lost our motivation. We've lost our, uh, we've, we've lost what it was that she was attracted to in the first place. An advancing man will attract everybody and everything. Everybody is attracted to a man who's going somewhere. Everybody is attracted to a man Who has a plan. It's ironic that those who, that those who need the help the least get the help the most. How often does a, a highly successful multimillionaire get an upgrade on a plane from economy class to business or first? How often does that man get comped a meal in a restaurant? How man— how often does that man get invited to dinner with people and they pay for the dinner? That man doesn't, that man doesn't need all of that help and freebies and upgrades. But how often does the, the poverty-stricken man who's going nowhere, that has no vision, is not trying to build anything, doesn't have any mission, doesn't have any direction, how often does he get comped? How often does he get upgraded? How often does, does he go, when he checks into the hotel, go, it's good to have you back, Mr. Butler, we've upgraded you to the presidential suite for your stay? Never, ever, ever does that man get that kind of help. Why? Because he has no— he's not going anywhere. He's not. And nobody gives two craps about a man that's not going anywhere. Nobody gives two craps about a man that has no vision, that has no purpose. Nobody wants to associate themselves and be around a man that does that. What's attractive is a man that's advancing in every part of life. That's who, that's who the world is attracted to. That's who you're attracted to. And that's who your wife's attracted to. And you were that man. And that was the future that you promised to your wife. But you got complacent. You got there, you got that future and you're just like, there you go. Done. I'm just going to check out now. Doesn't work. The Bible says, my people perish for lack of vision. It doesn't say they perish for lack of resources, lack of skill, lack of talent. It says, my people perish for a lack of vision. And these are the questions. Come back to this. Rewind this video. Watch it. Watch it again. Can you answer these questions? What are you trying to build right now? What kind of life are you trying to provide for you and your What's your vision for your marriage? I'm guessing almost everybody watching this simply cannot answer that question. And here's the thing. You can take that Bible phrase, my people perish for lack of vision, and apply that to your situation. My marriage is failing for a lack of vision. It's not lacking. It's not failing for a lack of desire to fix it or a lack of resources or any of those things. Most men have no clear direction. Particularly at this later stage where many of us are 40, 40 plus, where we, we have the toys, right? We've, we've got the influence. Most men are just trying to get through the week, pay the bills, stay comfortable, avoid problems, keep everybody happy, or in other words, in other words, just have an easy life, man. Just chill out. And what that creates is there's nothing exciting to move towards, nothing exciting at all. And when we understand that 50% of the equation, man, is she's looking at, she, the future that you are going to provide her. She's not leaving who you are. She's leaving the future that you're presenting. What future are you presenting her? What is the destination? It's part one, right? And the second part is, who is the man that's going to drive her in that car to the destination? Both of those questions are woefully underanswered in most situations, which is why progress in marriage restoration is, is very slow, or non-existent in most cases. So the key question to ask yourself here is, does your wife see a future with you that's worth joining? When you present her the 5-year plan, does she go, I'm in? Because I guarantee you presented her a 5-year plan, a 10-year plan when you got her. When I, when I, when, when I invited my wife, I didn't— it's not when I proposed to her, I remember being in a car and I said, this is where I'm going. And this was, this was 15 more years ago now. I said, this is where I'm going. This is what I'm going to do. This is my vision for life. This is what I'm going to achieve. I'm doing that regardless. End of. That's not the variable. That's the constant. That is going to happen. The variable is you. I invite you to join me on that journey, and you can go as far as you want to go with me on that journey. You can go part of the way, you can go most of the way, you can go all of the way, and you can leave that journey at any point in time. I gave her a vision. I gave her my vision of what my future was going to look like, what motivated me, what I was going to achieve, what, what I wanted to do in life, who I wanted to become, and then invited her on that vision. And she said yes. Invited her on that journey and she said yes. If I went back to that same woman, same girl, And said my goal is, you know, what's your goal for the next 20 years, Cody? Well, not much, man. Like, I've done it really. I just want to kind of chill out and enjoy life and relax and maybe spend some time on vacation and play. Like, she would not have said yes to joining me on that journey. She simply wouldn't. So part 2 now. Of this is how does she feel inside that future? So one is she has to see that the future is better with you than without you. The next part is how does she feel? It's not just giving her a future, showing her a future. How does she feel inside that future, right? She's evaluating that. It's not enough to have a plan, a big plan. She must also enjoy being with the man building that plan, and that's why there's almost no chance of reconciliation, no genuine chance. Like, you may get your wife back. Like, you know, we see it all the time where a woman will come back and it's like, well, did she come back because she loves you and she loves how she feels around you now? She sees that the future is astonishing and exceptional and extraordinary, or is she just scared of being alone? Has she just realized the financial reality of being a 50-year-old woman in the world today and being starting to date again and the security issues around being a woman? You know, it's dangerous being a woman in the world. Has she just realized that the grass is, you know, that there is just a bunch of weeds on that side of the fence? And the fact that it's mostly weeds and, you know, there's a little patch of grass here and there— do you want that? Do you want her to come back to you because you are the least bad option, or do you want her to come back to you because you— she's excited about— she looks at you and goes, man, this guy gets me level 10 excited. This is why there's no true restoration without rebuilding the man. Fix the man, fix the marriage. Build the man, build the marriage. You know, people go, oh, so you're telling me I got to change, Cody? Well, that's that. If you don't want to, that's fine. You know, I'm not telling you you have to change or that your identity is unacceptable. We're going to talk about identity in a minute, but let me just throw this out. If your identity is not changing, if you're, if you're one of these men that just throw their toys out of the pram and go, so it's all on me, I've got to change my identity, I've got to It's like, look, if I'm the same person that I was 2 years ago, there's a problem, right? If I, if I still have the same identity I had 2 years ago, because I want more. I want to be a better father. I want to be a better husband. I want to make more money. I want to have a better business. I want to have more impact. I want to do a lot of things. So I'm reading all the time, man. I'm taking classes. I'm doing the classes. I'm taking, you know, I'm doing the work. I'm reading the books. I'm putting in the hours. And it's like, if If I don't get that new information from people that are much more successful than me in the areas that I'm trying to grow in, and I don't update my identity to incorporate that new information that gets— then, then I'm just, I'm just an idiot. I'm just a fool. Why would I sit there and cling on to an identity? And there's nothing wrong. Where I was 2 years ago was great. I'm very proud. But the term that I use is I'm, I'm dissatisfactionally motivated. I'm dissatisfactionally motivated with who I am and where I am and what I have. I'm very grateful and appreciative of what I have and what I've built, but I'm also dissatisfactionally motivated because even though I can— 2 things can be true simultaneously, or I can be grateful and happy and appreciate what I have while at the same time aspire into more. Those 2 things can exist simultaneously, and this is called dissatisfaction or motivation. And if you arrive at that place of being dissatisfactionally motivated, then you have to upgrade your identity. When you learn new information, when you get new information, new data, new evidence that leads you to where you're going, then the man that says, I refuse to upgrade my operating system, I refuse to upgrade my identity to get me to that destination, is just a fool. He's just a fool is all he is. Men cling to this thing like identity, like it's some precious golden child. You— why? What's wrong with my identity, Cody? Why do I have to change my identity? Because do you have the same identity you had when you was a 5-year-old? Have you upgraded it? Your identity should be getting upgraded on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis. For the man that is building that future, the man that, the man that needs to build the future that your wife's exciting about, excited about, he hasn't shown up yet. He has to be built as well. So you got to ask yourself, how does she, does she feel loved around you? And these are just some generic questions, right? But does she, does she feel loved around you? Does she feel safe around you? Does she feel heard? These all go into the bucket of how does she feel in this future that you're creating? Does she feel respected? Does she feel important? Does she feel connected? Does she feel better or worse about herself when you're around? Do you build her up or tear her down? She's not only asking where you're taking her, where is this future, she's asking what will it feel like to be with the man who's promising this future? You know, and again, we, we can answer these questions because by virtue of the fact you're on this course, she doesn't feel loved around you. She doesn't feel safe. She doesn't feel heard. She doesn't feel respected. She doesn't feel important. That's why she's leaving. And again, the man that clings on and says, well, Cody, I think you'll find that she does feel loved and of course she feels safe and of course she feels heard. Then why is she leaving? Why is she leaving? So let's get to why she doesn't believe you anymore. This is, this is a big problem, right? Many men I work with, I have one-to-one ones with, they go, well, I've made the changes, I've done this, but she's just, she's still leaving anyway. Yes, she doesn't believe you. And again, that's, that's a problem in the— it's not a problem that can't be solved, but you have to address it, right? She's been watching you for, for years. You're, you have a credit score with her, essentially. It's like somebody who's abused their credit and taken out loans and never paid it back and then filed bankruptcy going to a bank and wanting a tier 1 credit card with 3% APR and a $50,000 limit after filing bankruptcy and going, why don't you believe me? I'm creditworthy now. It's like she's not looking at who you are and what you're doing right now. She's looking at the past 10 years. She's been watching what you've been doing for years. She knows what you say. She knows what you usually do. She's seen where you start. She's seen what you finish. She's seen what you avoid doing. She's seen what you promise and don't follow through on. She's She's seen and experienced what you can either conveniently forget or genuinely forget. Doesn't matter; the outcome's the same. It doesn't get done. She's seen how you respond under pressure, and she's seen how long your changes normally last for. In other words, she's the bank, and she's looking at you asking for a low-interest tier one credit card, going well every time he's been given credit for. Before he maxes it out and then files bankruptcy. And he's done that 3 times in the last 30 years. Can you fix your credit? Of course you can. Of course you can. But you know, you can't just go to the bank and say, well, I've changed, give me a credit card, give me a loan, give me a mortgage. No, you've got to start— you've got— you've got— you're going to have to get a very high interest credit card on very poor terms, and you're going to have to start to rebuild that credit. To where, again, they're not, they're not loaning money to you, who you are today. They're loaning money into the future and they're loaning money to a future version of you. And that's what they're looking at. That's what your wife's looking at. She's not judging you as who you are today. She goes, who is this man going to be in the future? That's who she's deciding to leave. So what's going on? Her mind or her nervous system, it's making predictions, right? Are you going to follow through? Like, all of us can behave ourselves for a short period of time. I used to have— I was a restaurateur in my younger, younger days. I had a lot of employees, hundreds of employees at one point, and I would never, I would never give a pay raise or anything like that within the first 3 months because I realized very quickly that anybody— someone's behavior is not— it's not an indication of what they, what they do for the first 3 months. Everybody behaves themselves in the first 3 months, and that's about the cutoff, right? Like, after 3 months, anybody can behave themselves and pretend for 3 months. But very few, if any, people can maintain the facade after that. And that's where the cracks start to show. That's when we get to see who you truly are. And many times I learned the hard way that I'd have an employee that in the first couple of months they'd be outstanding and I'd put them in a higher position and I'd give them more money. And then I would be— I would end up with a problematic employee because they were just faking it, man. They were just, they were just doing what they needed to do. Or they just had not that, you know, they had genuine intentions, but they just had no follow-through, man. They just had no persistence. They just had no character. They had no foundation. The same is true with your wife. You, just because you've behaved yourself or you've become that man or you've genuinely changed and, you know, there's some genuineness to what's going on here. Let's get real here. Nobody's buying it in the short term, and that's not on her. You've trained her. You've trained her not to buy it. So she's asking the questions here. Will he follow through? Will he quit? Will he change for 2 weeks and then switch back? Will he go back to the normal, which has been the last 20 years? Is he actually telling the truth or is he only doing this to get a result? Is he saying this now because he's scared of losing me? Am I actually, if I believe him, am I just going to get disappointed and hurt again? And these are all valid questions. So she's got a thousand examples to back this up. One promise does not beat years of history and experience. One good conversation does not remove years of disappointment for her. One emotional apology does not prove that you've changed. Her belief about your future, brothers, is based on your past behavior, not your present behavior. Your marriage is a lagging indicator. What you are experiencing in your marriage right now is a lagging indicator. It's been very unpleasant in the past for her. That's why she's leaving. And it's also predictive of the future. She's responding to the past and she's responding to the future. She's responding to what you've done over an extended period of time. And she's also making that decision based on what she thinks is going to happen in the future. These are the 2 areas, right? Many of us want to focus on the present. Tell me what I've got to do, Cody. Tell me what I've got to say. You got to present a better future is what you've got to do. You've got to give her a destination that you— she wants to go to, or you both want to go to, right? It's not just her. It's got to be a mutually agreeable destination. And the man driving the car has got to be someone she wants to go there with. That's what you've got to do. It's really that simple. So you can't talk your way out of a problem that you behaved your way into. This is critical. Many of you want to do this. You just want to talk your way out of it. So the main lesson here is that your words did not create her belief about you, about What you're capable of. Your behavior did. Your behavior created it. So better words or different words, they're not going to change her mind. The only thing that's going to change her mind is new behavior. Behavior is what made her mind up in the first place. Behavior is the thing that's going to change her mind in the future. So the thing that we have to understand, brothers, is a man is not what he says. It's not, I'm gonna be this and I'm gonna do that. A man is what he does. It's not what you say you're going to do, it's what you do. A man who says, I don't believe in lying, then goes ahead and tells lies is a liar regardless of what he thinks about himself. The man is not honest because he believes he's honest if he's telling lies. The man is what he does. Promises mean— I've put promises mean little without action. The truth is promises mean nothing without action. Good intentions mean nothing. Without it being followed through with action. And I'm talking about consistent long-term action. So our success formula, man, is consistent, consistent action devoid of emotion, consistent execution devoid of emotion. You need to execute consistently for an extended period of time regardless of emotion. Don't, don't want to get out of bed and do it. Don't care. Get up and do it. Don't feel like it today. Don't care. Execute. Well, she said this. Don't care. Execute. She's with another man. Don't care. Execute. She said that this is over and she's never coming back. Don't care. Execute. She said that she's moving out or she's moved out. I don't care. Execute. She said that she's going to the lawyer. I don't care. Execute. Execute without emotion. You have to because it's only execution of new behavior that's going to bring her back. The failure formula, on the other hand, is inconsistent execution driven by emotion. You tell her that you're going to do something, then you get bad news and you do the opposite. You just give it— you just, you're just playing into her prediction that the future is going to be the same or worse as the past. So what, what happens after years of broken promises, which is where most of us truly find ourselves if we're being honest, she doesn't listen to your words anymore. All she does is watch your behavior. She looks— she doesn't listen She doesn't trust what you say. She looks for proof and she asks herself whether this change is going to last. So the key learning here is you can't talk your way out of a problem that you behaved your way into. You must behave your way out of it and it's the only way to get out of it. There's no way. It's like getting overweight, right? Like you, you, obesity is a behavioral problem. It's not a linguistic problem. It's a behavioral problem. And it's like saying, well, how do I— tell me what to say, Cody, to overcome this obesity. Tell me what to say, Cody, to overcome these health issues. There's nothing— he's facing a behavioral problem, bro. You behaved your way into this obesity. You behaved your way into these health issues. There's only one way out of it. You've got to behave your way out of it. And the man and the decisions that he was making and the identity and everything that led in to the behavior that caused the obesity has to change. It has to change. You can't be the same man and lose the weight. And the same is true here. This is why we say fix the man, fix the marriage. The man that created the problems within this marriage cannot fix them. He cannot. The belief system and ideas and ideas around food and exercise and health, the man has to, he has to forego those ideas. Or in other words, he has to lose that identity and create a new identity or a new operating system if he has any hope of losing the weight. The same is true within your marriage. And when you understand that, it gives you— it's empowering because it now allows you to focus on the activities that actually make the difference. The man that goes, I'm just gonna talk my way out of this obesity problem— and I hear it all the time. I go to the gym and the man goes, well, I see people all the time, men and women, well, I've got a thyroid problem, Cody. Well, that doesn't— that's not gonna bloody— you're not gonna lose the weight because you're talking thyroid problem. Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't, but those words are not going to make you lose the weight. The only thing that's going to make you lose the weight is you need to get your fat ass on that treadmill and start moving, brother. If you got— if you do in fact have thyroid problems, I'm not unsympathetic to that, but if you lose your weight, it's just— if you want to lose that weight, it's just simple math, man. Calories in, calories out. More calories have to go out than come in. Simple as that. Your thyroid doesn't change the reality of math. So you don't need better words. You need, you know, you don't need better communication, better promises, better explanations, better persuasion, better ways to prove that you care. None of these things are useful. None of these things are even helpful. What you need is a better identity, a better way of thinking. For the, for the obese man, a better way of thinking about food, a better way of thinking about exercise. Higher standards. Ultimately, this is the key to everything. I mean, the number one question really is like, we've got to get you to raise— if you want to save your marriage, you've got to raise your standards. It's as simple as that. The standards that you set for yourself, the standards that you set for your own behavior, the standards for the words you allow to come out of your mouth, the standard for the behavior and boundaries that you set around others. Some of you can't set boundaries. Some of you can't respect boundaries. Some of you have both problems. You can't set or respect boundaries. Higher standards for follow-through. If I say it, I do it. You need to have a reason for— to get up every day. The day's going to happen. That's the non-negotiable. That, that's not the variable, that's the constant. The question is, what condition are you going to be at the end of the day? The day's happening, and there's only 2 ways you can approach this day. You can approach it with apprehension, or you can approach it with anticipation. How many of you get out of bed excited because of what you have, what, what you're going to experience during the day? And how many wake up in the morning with that, with, with With the apprehension of what you have to go through. If you've got no reason to go through the day, what kind of future are you presenting for your wife? You've got to have a future worth building. So ultimately, no message is strong enough to hide a weak mission. What's your mission? What's your mission statement, right? What do you want to achieve? She doesn't need promises of a bigger future. She needs proof, stronger proof that you're going to present a future that's acceptable to her. That's all there is to it. So solutions, my favorite part. So now you hopefully understand the problem. The first person you've got to face here is yourself with ruthless honesty. And that's the work that I do, right? You know, it's about, it's about helping you to face yourself, not to be mean or narcissistic or because I get some pleasure out of Making you see that you've been showing up in a way that maybe is not as great as you thought. It's because this is what's going to save your marriage. You need ruthless, ruthless honesty. How are you actually showing up in this marriage? Who have you actually been? What has it been like to be married to you? Have you ever asked that question? What's it like to be married to me? Am I easy to be married to? How's your behavior been affecting her? How has it affected your children? How has it affected your home? How is it— have you been honest? Have you been truthful? Have you been reliable? Have you been kind to her? I've spoken to literally thousands of wives now in situations where she wants to leave. And you know what the most common thing I hear is? The most common statement: I just want him to be a little bit kinder. If he could be just a little bit kinder, I could deal with him. Many of you are just not kind. You're just not nice to your wife. It's as simple as that. People always can't be that simple, Cody. That I'm telling you, man. I'm privileged. I have the privilege of everywhere I go, people know who I am and what I do, and men and women alike, regardless of where I am, come up to me and ask for advice or talk to me about their situation. And the most common thing I hear from women is if he was just a little bit kinder. How hard is it? That's all it requires in most cases. Just be a little bit kinder. Have you been strong? Have you been selfish? Have you made excuses, etc., etc.? Right? And and to be honest, like, let me ask this. I ask this question to men quite often, and the answer the the question is: If you had a daughter and she was married to you, would you be happy about that? Because you know, you know who you are. You know what you've done. You know what you think. You know how you show up. Only you know that. I don't know that. I'm not here to judge you. I don't. It's not for me to do that. I don't know. I know nothing about you, very little. If you had a daughter, would you be happy for your daughter to be married to you? And if the answer is no, that's a problem. Or if your daughter was married to you, or a man very similar to you, and she came to you and she wanted to leave that man, would you support her leaving that man? Would you support that marriage ending, or would you encourage her to stay and work through it? Many of you are encouraging your wife or looking for your wife to stay in a situation that you would not support your daughter being in. So the important question here is, who am I truly? Like, this, this is beautiful. Like, it's confronting, but it's beautiful because only when you know who you truly are can you actually set course for a better destination. You only need— you need 3 things to affect any change, any transformation in your life. If you want to change anything Anything, your finances, your health. Let's look, let's look at the big 5, right? Or big 4: health, wealth, spirituality, and relationship. These are, these are the big 4. These have to be working in your life, right? To change, to have major and radical, rapid impact on any of those areas, you need 3 things and only 3 things. You need, you need a map to get there. I'm giving you the map right now. You need a map, you need a plan, you need a starting point, and you need a destination. A map without an accurate starting point is utterly useless. You can have the destination and you can have the map, but if you don't know what your starting point is, that map is useless to you. You're not going to get there. You have to have an accurate starting point. And the accurate starting point is, who am I truly? Who have I actually been showing up as? Who am I? Who is the man that's been in this marriage? Not the man that I'd like to tell myself or believe, or I've convinced myself, or I just haven't even taken the time to really evaluate. It's not even nefarious. It's not even like you're a bad person. A lot of times it's like, Well, I've just never taken the time to truly evaluate who I'm showing up as. That's why I'm giving you these questions today to think about this, because as soon as you understand, well, actually, maybe I'm not showing up in the best way. Maybe I'm not presenting a great future. Maybe she's not liking being in the car with this guy. You now have the map to rapidly transform that, to rapidly change that. So the turning point truly within the marriage is you must become disappointed with the man you have been. If you're not disappointed, your wife's disappointed with him. That's why she's leaving. If she's just— if she's not— if you're not disappointed, if you see no problem with the man that you've been showing up as, then quite frankly, brother, there's no hope for this marriage because she's disappointed to the extent she's not going to continue. And this is the difference between a great client and a really, really difficult client. When I work with people, the great clients show up disappointed. They already know. They go, Cody, I've let myself down. I've let my family down. It's not that you're a bad man. You just could have shown up better, right? You've just drifted. Whereas the terrible client shows up going, you know, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not disappointed with myself at all. I'm disappointed with the situation. How do I change the situation? Really hard to help that man. Really difficult and unpleasant to work with that man. The man that shows up and says, help me be a better man. Piece of cake, man. Easy. Great person to work with. Easy to have a relationship with, easy to get results for. And again, this is not because it's not being disappointed because you hate yourself. It's because you now clearly see the damage that's been inflicted and not just damage to your family. You know, it's everything, man, yourself. You have to reject the way that you've been living. And again, it's like, that's not a slight on who you are and what you are and what you've achieved. It's about being dissatisfactionally motivated, man. Where I was two years ago was beautiful. I loved it, but I was also very unsatisfied with it, and it's that dissatisfaction that continues to drive me to be better and better and better. The second that I stop being motivationally dissatisfied or dissatisfactionally motivated, I stop taking the classes. I stop reading the books. I stop going to the gym. I stop trying to be a better person because I'm arrived, right? I'm done. What do I need to go to the gym for? Look at me, man. What do I need to work on the marriage? I'm great. What do I need to work on my finances? You seen my bank account? Like you just stop. So you've, you've got to just, you've got to reject what's going on. And again, not because what's going on is bad, but because you're dissatisfactionally motivated and you've got to decide that this version of you is done. It's finished. It's time to move to the next level. Life has more for you. Life has more to offer. If you want to live an exceptional, extraordinary life and have an exceptional, extraordinary marriage and have exceptional, extraordinary experiences day in, day out, you cannot build that while protecting the old version of yourself. You can't do it. This is not a reno. This is not a renovation job. This is a tear down rebuild. If you want to protect the old man, the man that's shown up that your wife has clearly said no to, if you want to, if you want to, you know, reject that reality, fine. But you will not have an extraordinary life. You will not have an extraordinary marriage. You will not have an extraordinary experience. Very unlikely in my experience. So what is this about? It's about building a new identity. This is really the core of what we're doing. Your life is driven by your identity. The old man acts when he feels motivated. In other words, Inconsistent execution driven by motivation. Inconsistent execution driven by emotion. The old man changes when he's faced, when he's, when he's faced with consequences. Or in other words, he's scared. You're only changing because you're scared of losing your wife. Many of you have heard that from you. You're only doing this. Many of you have heard this from your wife. She says, you're only doing this because I'm leaving. Yes. Well, she's right. Fear's driving you. You're not doing it because you've looked at yourself and gone, this and to— this needs to step up. You only make promises when she pulls away. You give up when it becomes hard. Guess what, guys? Life is bloody diff— life is hard. This is hard what we're talking about here. Changing your identity is hard. Raising your standards is hard. Transforming your life is hard. Putting the groundwork in place for an exceptional, exceptional experience of life in every way is hard. And it's why very few people do it, man. Very few people experience a fraction of what life has to offer. Why? Because it's hard. But guess what? So's divorce, man. So starting over again. So's losing half of your fortune. So's losing your family and only seeing them on visitation days. So's so's having your kids for half a day at Christmas. It's all hard, bro. It's all hard. It's not hard is not an option. Expense is not an option. It's all expensive. It's all hard, right? The question is which hard do you want? I tell my wife all the time. There are no solutions to problems. There are only trade-offs. There are only trade-offs. We can look at, we can look at that in every aspect of life. But if you fix one problem, you're trading off another one. Do you want, do you want variety in sex or do you want consistency in sex? If you want consistency with sex, then marriage is the place to be. You'll get it much more consistently within a marriage relationship, but you trade variety. If you want variety, then marriage is not for you. Then stay single and get all the variety you want. But the trade-off is there's going to be no consistency unless you're just a superstar rock stud, right? There's gonna be no consistency. You can have an easy life if you want to, but the trade-off is you lose your family. Or you can get your family back, but the trade-off is it's going to require work. There's, there's no out-and-out solutions. There are only trade-offs. You pick your trade, you pick your hard. And when we realize that life is hard And we stop resenting hard and we embrace it and we love it. And that becomes part of the identity. Throw all the hard at me you want. Then this causes this, this puts you in a position to where you can experience an extraordinary existence. The old man blames stress, blames work, blames money, blames his wife. You don't understand, Cody. Let me explain what What's going on? It doesn't matter what's going on, dude. I don't need to understand what's going on. Puts his comfort first. Again, trade-off. Yeah, you can— the trade-off for comfort is ease, but the trade-off for ease is you lose your marriage. It's a trade. What do you want? You have to pick. You can have anything you want, but you can't have everything you want. You have to choose what's important to you. What's important, your comfort or your wife? What's important to you, transforming yourself or saving your marriage? So it needs constant praise to keep going. That describes many people. I did the work and she's not recognizing my changes. Well, so what do you, do you need a carrot every time you do something or can you just recognize that you've done the right thing and reward yourself? So the new man, what does he look like? He does the right thing even when he doesn't feel like it. Or in other words, consistent execution devoid of emotion. Maybe I didn't feel like doing this call today. I'm like, I'm going to do it. Maybe I don't feel like taking some phone calls that are scheduled later on. It doesn't matter. I'm going to do it. I got it. I've got a gym personal training session scheduled at 3:00 PM today. Maybe I'm not going to feel like that come 3:00 PM. It's a long time between now and then. Maybe I'm going to be tired and I don't feel like doing it. Guess what? I'm going to do it. My feelings don't come into it. I'm going to execute regardless of emotion and I'm going to show up 100 freaking percent. Regardless, I'm going to act like I do want to do it and I'm going to give it 100%. I'm going to keep my word. I've told myself I'm going to the gym at 3 PM and short of being in the hospital or death or someone close to me being in one of those 2 conditions, I'm going to the damn gym. I'm going to stay calm under pressure. If you want anything worth having in life, you are going to experience pressure In abundance. You want a great business? You better get used to pressure. You want great finances? You better get used to pressure. You want a great marriage? You better get used to pressure. You want a great anything? You better get used to pressure, man. Like, again, the trade-off. You don't want to experience any pressure? Then the trade-off is you can't have anything. You want to have something worth having? Then the trade-off is you better get good at dealing with pressure. Many of you are just not good at pressure, man. You lose cannons. You're unpredictable. The man that saves his marriage thinks before he acts. He doesn't act impulsively. He responds to situations instead of reacting to them. Many of you lose cannons. Hugely problematic. And you go, well, it's just who I am, Cody. I'm Italian. I'm— my wife goes, I'm Lebanese, Cody. You know what Lebanese— Like, well, then you can be Lebanese or you can have a wife. Like, you can be Italian and you can have a wife, except you choose. Like, Takes responsibility, sees the needs of his families, puts long-term results ahead of short-term comfort, keeps going even when he does not receive a reward. Or in other words, here's the philosophy, man, to upgrade your identity. Real change is not something you announce to the world. It's something that people notice. If you're on fire, all you need to do is stand next to people and they can feel the heat. If you'd stand next to someone and say, I'm on fire, and they're like, Well, what does that mean? And they can't feel that heat. You're not on fire, bro. You're deluding yourself. You know, I may go, how can my wife, how can my wife see my changes? What happened when she won't talk to me? You don't announce change. You, people notice it. People experience it. So here's what she needs from you to come back. She needs evidence, not emotion. You getting all emotional isn't serving anything or anyone. So what does not prove change? Crying, talking longer, making bigger promises, buying her gifts, having that deep conversation. How do I have the conversation, Cody? How do I do blah blah blah blah blah? You all know what I'm talking about. Being perfect for a week, you know, showing up as as the perfect man for a week, telling her that you finally understand the situation. What does prove change? Calm behavior. Can't be a loose cannon. Can't be a hothead. I've got videos. Go to the YouTube channel. On my YouTube channel, I've got videos on how to stop getting triggered, or why do I get triggered, and all those stuff. Like, you've got to stop getting triggered. You've got to become calm. This is, this is a highly desirable trait, and it's actually a prerequisite, I would say, for any level of success. The higher you, the higher you go up, the more calm you need to be, or the more in control. You need honest behavior, consistent behavior. Start by keeping the small promises. Take responsibility for everything in your life. I am responsible. I'm responsible. And again, the philosophy. Let's look at this. Response-able. Does it mean that it's your fault that everything's happened? No, that's not what I'm saying. My question is, are you response-able, sir? When something horrible happens, somebody comes up to you randomly in the street and punches you in the face. Are you responsible for that? Meaning, did you cause it? No, you didn't cause it. Probably. Maybe you did. But are you able to respond to what's happened? To what's happened? Yes, you are. Your wife's left you. Are you responsible for that? Meaning that you caused it? Maybe, maybe not. But are you able to respond to what's going on? So part of this calm behavior is under— is taking full responsibility for every aspect of your life. Doesn't matter what happens to me today. I am able to respond to it. Versus simply reacting to the situation, doing the work without praise, not needing a carrot, continuing even when it's hard. I've been going to the gym for about 3 years now and I've just now started enjoying it. People go, well, if you go for 6 months, Cody, you'll love it and you'll get addicted to it. Not true, man. I hated every second of it for 3 years. I've only just now got to the point to where I'm actually looking forward to it. But guess what? For 3 years, executed consistently, devoid of emotion. Didn't, didn't want to go to the gym one time in that 3 years, did it anyway. Continue when they— when, when she's still unsure. Continues when there's no quick reward for you. So again, she doesn't need to hear how serious you are about fixing this. She needs to see how consistent you are in bringing the behavior That makes her feel great, bucket 1, and makes her see that a future with you is better than a future without you, bucket 2. So pathway forwards, man, is your solution is not hopeless, not by any stretch of anyone's imagination. Her belief about you and what she believes you're capable of and the future that she sees with you was built through behavior. That means simple logic here, new behavior can build new beliefs within her. You can reset her nervous system. You can reprogram her nervous system to see a different future and experience a different you. Her predictions about you can change, but it will not change because you ask her to change it. Simply won't. Your words mean absolutely nothing at this point. It changes because of the evidence changes. Or in other words, your credit score can increase and your, your loanability That the bank's willing to look to, the risks that the bank's willing to take on you can increase, but it will only change because the bank gets new evidence of new behavior executed consistently, devoid of emotion over an extended period of time, not simply because you told the bank that you're creditworthy now. So what's got to happen, man? You got to have a clear vision. My people perish for lack of vision. You are my people. Many of you do not have a clear vision for what you're going to do moving forward. You, you, you've got one thing, save my marriage. Well, that's not going to be good enough. You have to have a marriage vision. Become the man. You have to become the man capable of delivering that vision. It's not enough to say, I'm going to build a billion-dollar company. That's my vision. You have to be, you have to be the billion-dollar CEO. You have to become the man capable of doing that. You have to make her experience inside of that vision better, right? You've got to have the vision. You've got to become the man that consistently delivers that vision and you've got to make Her experience within that vision, something that she wants to experience. You've got to act with honesty, discipline, care, not needing quick results. And you've got to repeat the behavior over and over and over and over and over and over again over time. How long does it take to lose the weight if you're obese? How long does it— how many times do you have to go to the gym? It's not a case of I've done this for 2 weeks now or 2 months. It might even be 2 years depending on how badly you've abused your body. Right. How badly you've abused the marriage or the marriage has been abused. So don't focus on proving that you have changed. Focus on changing. Do not demand that she or me or anyone else notices the changes. Let her experience the changes. If she's not experiencing them, they probably haven't happened. Do not demand that she notice. Do not demand trust. Do not demand another chance. Build evidence That shows that you are a man that deserves another chance. So you do not build relief by asking her to believe you. You rebuild belief in you by becoming believable. Simple as that. Your credit score is rebuilt by becoming a man that the bank can believe in again. That's it. That's the only way to do it, unfortunately. I wish there was another way. So our final takeaways here are she's not leaving Because you lack messaging or words or anything like that to convince her to stay. She's leaving because she no longer believes in the future that you present to her. That's simple as that, right? Better words are not going to solve that. Promises are not going to solve that. Pressuring her to stay, i.e., going, she's a godly woman and she's going blah blah blah, or she's going to ruin the kids' future— none of that's going to work. What actually works is a strong vision, a better man, and consistent action. These are the things that work. So final takeaway here. What saves a marriage is not a better message. It's a better vision carried by a better man, proven through consistent action devoid of emotion. This is it right here. This is, this is the philosophy that saves marriages. I'll say it again. What saves marriages is not a better message. It's not better packaging. It's a better vision carried by a better man, proven through consistent action. And that is it, man. That is— those are the basics of how to save your marriage. I'm going to stop the screen share and jump over to the Q&A now.