7 "Therapy" Words That Are Ruining Marriages

If you're a man going through separation or divorce, you have likely seen the terms narcissist, gaslighting, all kinds of these psychology terms that have been thrown out into the void and are regularly being used but misused. And I wanted to go through those things, break them down for you guys, because you're going to see them pop up in your feeds. You're going to see them pop up used against you in messages and DMs and emails. Heck, maybe even court. And I want you to be able to understand what the terms are, how they're being misused, and what we can do about that, what our reaction is to that. Okay? So we're going to go through a bunch of them here. We're going to go through gaslighting, narcissist, boundaries, trauma bonding, triggered, love bombing, avoidant, and anxious attachment. We're going to work through those today. I'm just going to give you guys an overview as to what they look like, how they work. And we'll see where we are left after that. If there are terms that I didn't necessarily point out there and you want me to cover at some point, leave them in the comments wherever you're watching this, and I will make a point to address those probably in shorter clips wherever I can. Okay? So let's start off with gaslighting. This one is one that is overused. If you've been on social media anywhere and your feeds are tailored like most guys going through divorce and separation are, you're gonna see gaslighting show up. Okay? So, how is it currently used or misused? Often, this term is applied to simple disagreements, okay? If somebody has a difference in a memory or a different experience, depending on their perspective, people use the term gaslighting, obviously as a defense for themselves. Your memory is different than my memory, so you're gaslighting, trying to corrupt, co-opt, or coerce me to change my thought or memory, okay? That's how it's being misused. You're trying to manipulate my memory by sharing your perception. Okay? The clinical reality on this one: gaslighting is a deliberate, systematic psychological manipulation that your design is to make a victim doubt their sanity, memory, or perception of reality. Okay, so just to be clear on that, all that gobbledygook there, the reality is this: for somebody to share their perspective of how events occurred with no intent of altering the other person's perception is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is when you share your perspective So that they have that as well. At no time are you going to get 2 people that hold the same view, memory, experience on anything. That's in marriage, that's in business, that's in anything, right? It's quite simply this. I can hold this up right here and tell you guys, well, what this looks like is it's a controller that's got a bunch of buttons on it, there's a bunch of colors, there's a bunch of joysticks on it, right? Easy. Just something quick that I could grab that was right in front of me here. But the reality is you guys are looking at this going, I have no idea what you're talking about. There's no color to it. There's no buttons to it. There's no joysticks on it. Your perception is completely wrong. I'm not trying to convince you that what I'm saying is right. And I'm not trying to negate that your experience, your memory, or your perception of what's happening is wrong. I'm simply telling you what I'm seeing. Okay? Now, are both true? Your perception of what this is and mine? Absolutely. If I take the time to see what you guys see and understand what you're seeing, now we get a full picture. Gaslighting again, guys, is the coercing, the manipulation of trying to make you see what I see as the only truth, okay? So if you guys are getting hit by that one, just take a moment, breathe, and go, okay, is what's happening here actual gaslighting? Am I trying to manipulate my wife, my business partner, my whoever it is that I'm involved in this concept Or this argument, this conversation with, to simply see my perspective as the one true perspective? If you are, this might be correctly applied. If you're not, if you are simply trying to share your perspective and say, I understand where you're coming from, I understand what your memory is, this is my memory that I'm sharing with you, and I'm willing to look at what it is that you are saying and your perspective, but I'm not willing to just absolve any point in the conversation being about how I see things, remember things, and had experienced things. Okay? So disagreement is natural in dialogue. It's gonna happen. That's an okay thing. It's actually quite healthy for us to have a disagreement and be able to have those conversations. It's not automatic psychological abuse for you to hold a different perspective, a different experience, a different memory of something. Okay? So that's gaslighting. Let's keep going. This one is a huge red flag. You're gonna see it everywhere, and both men and women use this. So guys, we have to own up and be accountable to this as well. We misuse this. We abuse this. I've seen it. I've seen it in just about every divorce group, men's group, separation group. The term narcissist. It gets thrown out. It's used regularly. It's misused badly. Okay? So, how it's misused. Anytime we just go out there and we label an ex, a spouse, somebody who's a regular person in our walk, in our life, who has hurt your feelings as a narcissist, this is misapplied. Okay? Grossly misapplied. And this has happened. I know it's happened to you at some point if you've been through a separation, if you've been through a divorce. I have yet to find a man who at some point hasn't been labeled a narcissist or even worse, a malignant narcissist. The clinical reality on this term, somebody who has a narcissistic personality disorder, it's a diagnosable disorder. Okay? It's not every man in existence, every man who's ever been in a relationship is a narcissist. Okay, rigid person— it's a rigid personality disorder involving pathological grandiosity. Okay, this is something that's ingrained in you psychologically, that you are greater than everybody else around you in every single aspect, in every single way. It's a deep-seated lack of empathy. You have no care or compassion for what anybody else around you is feeling, and you have a persistent need to exploit across all all areas of life. Everybody and everything that is outside of you exists for you because you are of such a grandeur and status, okay? You're so big that your shit don't stink and everybody else is there to fuel you, feed you, and be used by you for your purposes and your gains, okay? That's the narcissist. Now, for a lot of men, when we have this applied to us, what we are being told more likely than not is, You're being selfish. You are basically being told you are not doing, giving, or saying what the other person wants, and so as such, you surely must be using them for your own gains. Eh, wrong. We also use it to apply it to people that we have been in disagreements about, that when they are not doing what we want, they must clearly be manipulating everybody around them, they are a selfish person that Has an inflated sense of self and everybody around them exists solely for their needs and purposes. I think that this is a term that is not only overused, it's greatly damaging to any relationship. Any relationship. Are people selfish? Yes, people are selfish by nature. There are times where people need to put themselves first. There are times where people need to put their own needs in place. We'll get to that a little bit later when we get down to boundaries. When somebody is being selfish, heck, when somebody is being an asshole, that does not make them a narcissist. Pause for a moment and consider— take yourself a little bit further back and consider whoever it is that you would apply that narcissist label to, or consider yourself if you've had that label applied to yourself. Pause for a moment and think back. Are there times at any point in your, let's call it, last 5 years Where you have not done something out of selfish ambition. You have selflessly done or acted in a way that had no benefit to you whatsoever, and yet you did it anyway. You did it for the care of somebody else. You recognized somebody else had a need, a feeling, an urge, a desire that you knew that you could fill and fulfill, and you did so with no benefit to self. Odds are you're probably not a narcissist. It's just the reality. If you are not programmed to see yourself as better than everybody else around you, if you can confidently and outright say, I have flaws. I'm not perfect. I'm not the epitome. I am not that thing that people should aim and astute to be, you're probably not a narcissist. If you are willing to say, I made a mistake, if you are willing to say, I am sorry, if you are willing to make steps and actionable things in order to rectify mistakes you have made in the past, You're probably not a narcissist. So I want to clarify again, guys, here. This is, this is a programmed state of you are perfect, your shit don't stink, and everybody else around you is there to serve you. Okay? We are talking that is the bare bones you are a narcissist reality. It's not how it's used. And I think for men, we go a long way, especially in healing, not to be using this term flippantly and applying it to the people that we are going into separation or divorce with. I think it's important as well when it is and if it is thrown out at us that we pause and consider for a moment of, okay, am I without flaw? Am I grandiose? Am I perfect? Am I trying to use this person for my own selfish means and gains all the time and I lack total empathy for their position? If yes, wrestle with that. Get the help that you need. If no, if you can go, no, I empathize with this person. I've done things for this person not out of selfish gain but out of love or— Respect. out of care, out of concern for this person, then really guys, don't allow it to stick to you. Allow it to just slide off. You don't need to argue against it. You are not a narcissist. Okay? Just be there with that. Next up, boundaries. Okay? Boundaries. This is one I hear guys using a little bit less. This is one that I hear a lot more from the women in the divorce and separation groups that I've seen, but I think it is Something that men still put in place in their own lives and in their own walks if they're gonna grow and be healthy on the other side of a separation or divorce. So how boundaries is often misused, it's used as an ultimatum. And again, guys, you're gonna see this habit where a lot of these misused things are in regards to using something that's meant to be personal outwardly. Okay? So boundaries being misused are used as ultimatums or rules to try to control somebody else's behavior. Okay? Shutting down discussions. My boundary is that you can't do this action. Somebody else can't do this action. Somebody else can't do this action. Somebody else can't do this action. Okay? This is a misuse of boundary. Okay? Boundary is not something that you do to try to force somebody else into something. A boundary is you set up for yourself to govern your own conduct. Okay? Something that you do for yourself in either your physical, your emotional space, your spiritual space. Defining what you yourself will tolerate or participate in. This is not controlling another person's actions. This is pure control of yourself. And one of the things that has been a huge help to me in this journey and walk is being a part of a lot of groups regarding Stoicism and having that understanding of control. And the extent of your control exists no further than your own reach. Okay? This is you. This is what you control up here, in here, these. Okay? This is you. This is in your control. And this is where boundaries lie. Okay? Your boundary cannot force somebody else to do something. My boundary is that you cannot use these terms. You cannot act in these ways. You cannot X, Y, or Z. The second you try to enforce action, thoughts, or feelings onto somebody else, you've removed yourself from boundaries. Okay? That's not what we're talking about. A boundary is very clearly If you act in that way, I will not do this. If you act in that way, I will not think this. Those boundaries are in place to protect yourself, to understand your own self-worth, your own self-value, and where you can go and grow. Okay? So again, if you guys are being labeled of having boundaries that are in some way toxic, manipulative, It may just be as simple as you rectifying for yourself. You don't necessarily need to explain this to the other person. But challenge yourself on, okay, the boundary that I put up, am I demanding or asking something of somebody else? Or is what I'm actually doing here setting up for myself, if this, then this? And the then this only applies to you. If somebody screams and yells at me, I will no longer continue the conversation. That's a boundary. That's not you saying that they have to stop screaming and yelling. That is you simply saying, nope, if that's the behavior that's used, I will respond this way. If somebody's using 4-letter words, they're swearing at you, they're using verbal attacks, they're using maybe terms like narcissist towards you, and you have made a very clear boundary of you will not engage in a conversation if that's the language that's being used. Again, You're not forcing that person to stop doing that. You don't have the ability to force the other person to stop doing that. But what you do have is the ability to end the conversation. You are not required to continue in that relationship or conversation with somebody if they cannot respect the boundary that you have put up. Vice versa, what you have to recognize is when other people put up a healthy boundary, a healthy boundary looks like, if you do this, they will act this way. Perfect. Understand that. They in no way are saying that you have to act a certain way. They are simply stating, if you act this way, I will not, or I will do this. That is a healthy boundary. If somebody is saying, you have to do this, that's no longer a healthy boundary. Nobody can ever impose on you, you have to do this. So the second you hear that, understand that that's a misapplication of boundary. The proper use of boundary is— A personal action, personal control, personal fence. Okay? So, personal integrity, self-control, not controlling others, boundaries used properly. Next up, trauma bonding. Now, this is one that is becoming— when I first started into the groups and engaging with men and into stories, this wasn't something I'd heard too commonly. It wasn't happening all the time. However, I will say of most of these, this is one I have started to hear more and And more and more. And it's probably not surprising given that narcissist and narcissism is one that is coming out more prevalently and more frequently. So trauma bonding seems to be the next evolution of that where this is now becoming the buzz term, the buzz phrase that is being used. Okay? So how is it being misused? This is often being used to describe 2 people who bond or become close over a shared hardship, a mutual trauma, a difficult life season. I know in my own life You know, I lost a daughter years ago, almost 2 decades ago now. Man, 18 years back. It was a difficult life season. That's a completely realistic, difficult season. I had people in my close personal life, my family, who went through that difficult season with me. Obviously, my spouse, my kids, my extended family, our community went through that, okay? It's not a trauma bond that we went through that, a shared hardship or a mutual trauma due to a difficult life season. That's a misapplication of the term. The actual reality of the term is this. It's a cyclical, so that means a repeating neurochemical attachment formed between an abuser and a victim. It's driven by unpredictable cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement. So, This is a repeated cycle of somebody is hurt and then they are reinforced and that relationship circles around that repeated injury, reinforcement, injury, reinforcement. It is not 2 people mutually going through difficult times and difficult struggles. You're going to have that in marriages, in parenting, and in business. You're going to face this as men. You're going to go through hard times. You're gonna experience traumas together. There are going to be shared hardships. That is not trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is when there is an abuser and there is a victim, and that is very clear. Okay? When there is an abuser and there is a victim and they repeat a cycle of abuse followed by reinforcement followed by abuse followed by reinforcement, there exists a real trauma bond. Shared burdens and shared suffering together builds genuine Fellowship, and it's not a trauma bond. Okay, that's real fellowship. For you to go through hardship as a, as a young married couple who is broke, who doesn't have a dollar to their name, and you guys are fighting and scrounging through the muck, through the hardship, that is a healthy thing. That's healthy for your relationship to go through those trials together. Okay, again, we're talking about that unison. We're talking about it is something that is mutual, it is shared, it is difficult, but but it's difficult and it is something that's being done together. It's not being done to someone, it's being done with someone, okay? Trauma bonding is when it's being done to someone. So again, we're back to that common theme of it's not something that happens to you, it's something that's put upon you or you put upon someone else, okay? Next up, triggered. Okay, this one is an older one. This one probably preceded narcissism, but triggered was one that showed up everywhere. Oh, you're triggered, you're triggering me. It's one of my triggers. Triggered, triggered, triggered, triggered. I know myself, I have used this. I can remember using the term. And how it's often misused is when it's casually used when somebody's just offended or annoyed or they're being challenged or they're emotionally uncomfortable with the situation. Oh, you're triggering me. Okay. To be clear, I am somebody who has been officially diagnosed with PTSD. Obviously, going through the death of a child, there were other instances throughout my life that have existed that were Extremely high-stress situations that cause PTSD. Okay? A trigger is very different than, I am annoyed, I'm frustrated, I'm emotionally heightened in this moment, I'm uncomfortable with the current situation. Okay? A trigger is a severe psychological and physiological reactivation of a traumatic event. It is often, not always, but often linked to PTSD. It produces a fight, flight, freeze response. Fight, freeze, or panic response. This is a neurological response. It is beyond the person's control. It will hit them, it will shut them down, and it will shut them down hard, okay? It's not, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm offended, I'm annoyed in the moment with the circumstance. It's something happens and that immediately causes a complete and uncontrollable shutdown. It can— a fight or flight, a response that is immediate. It is almost For those of you that are familiar with people with Tourette's, where you see them all of a sudden have a Tourette kick in, their syndrome flares up, you can see it. It's uncontrollable. It happens. It's beyond their control. They don't understand it. They don't know why it's happening. It's there. For me, some of the triggers that I had with my PTSD were things like seeing babies in danger, hearing babies' cries. I had an incident that involved driving in a blizzard, and to this day, There are times where driving in a blizzard will create a fight response in me. I will feel immediately my adrenaline spike. I'll see the speedometer on my car speed up as a result because my body is immediately having a reactivation to that traumatic event that occurred. Okay? It's not something that I can control. It is something that you can work on over time, and if you do have what you suspect might be legitimate triggers, I do recommend you go see a counselor. Go see a therapist. Work through those things. They can be worked through and those triggers can be overcome in time as you break down those pathways. Rachel Sloan, if you're not familiar with her, I highly recommend her for men that are going through separation and divorce and feel like there is a traumatic experience that you are going through that has legitimate triggers. Make sure to do the work around these things, but to use it flippantly demeans what it actually is. It's not when you're having an emotional response to anything that you would deem a negative emotional response. That is not a trigger. A trigger is a severe, severe psychological or physiological response to an event that's occurring that causes you to have a reactivation to a previously traumatic event. It's not there in the moment. It's something that causes you to flash back to what has occurred in the past. Okay, so let's keep going here. Love bombing is the next one. This one is being regularly used. This is not just being used inside of separation divorce. This is actively being used inside and sometimes with positive connotation inside of relationships. I've seen that in men that are popping out of past relationships and coming into new relationships where they are making a statement of, oh yeah, I really love the love bombing that I'm receiving, or I am making a point to love bomb on this lady, and vice versa. I've seen women use it as well in the groups of, I love that feeling of being love bombed again, or vice versa. I am love bombing onto this man to make sure that he knows how appreciated he is. Okay? In the negative connotation, it's often being misused. Somebody's accusing someone who's genuinely excited or highly affectionate or generous early in a relationship as though they're in some way having sinister motives. They're not just genuinely being excited or affectionate or generous out of a desire to show affection. That they genuinely want to show love or connection or communication. And they're doing that through very frequent and extreme means, okay? Love bombing is when that's being done with a sinister motive. Again, here we are back to manipulation. When they are doing it in order to elicit a response, force a response, or coerce a response from another person, okay? Love bombing is a strategic— so it's planned— overwhelming— it's too much— display of affection and praise used intentionally To disarm boundaries. So again, we talked about boundaries before and establish control before the devaluation cycle begins. So you have a strategy to bombard somebody with love to build them up, only then to try to take control by tearing it away. It leaves them with a very void and empty feeling. Okay? It leaves them feeling as though, oh, I was feeling so good and now I'm feeling empty. I need to do whatever I can to get That love bombing back, I need to have it. That void, it's almost an addiction, right? It's like a drug dealer giving somebody a taste of heroin in order to get them hooked so they have to keep coming back for more. And as that high from the love bombing erodes and degrades, the strategy is to have them constantly having to come back to you for that high, for that feeling. If somebody is just loving on you, if somebody is, you know, one of the ones that I see regularly pop up is the sending of Look at these memes or these reels or these shorts or these videos that I found. Or you're out there and you've got somebody that is just a gifter. That's who they are. They like to send gifts. They send flowers. They send chocolates. They always have to give you something. Maybe it's somebody who shares physical affection overly. They're constantly sharing physical affection or desire with you. Whatever it may be, there are just genuinely excited people that are highly affectionate or generous in a relationship. Maybe it's not even early in a relationship. Maybe it's throughout a relationship. They're just with you. That's not love bombing. Love bombing is when you've got that drug dealer motive. You've got that strategy where you're trying to get somebody hooked so that they constantly have to come back to you for that feeling of love or affection. If you're somebody that does that, if you're taking a look at, okay, in the past relationships that I've had, marriage, dating, otherwise, okay, I've done these things, I've been this person. Is my display of affection done in order to control the other person? Is it done to get somebody hooked? that they have to keep coming back to me, or are they genuine displays of affection? If you can honestly say to yourself that you in no way are looking to exhibit control over or exert control over somebody, and instead they are just genuine displays of affection for somebody, you're not love bombing. You're loving on somebody. Now, you may need to learn to dial it back a little bit if somebody is misusing or misnomering your affection as love bombing. It may be a sign that it's a little bit too much. But that doesn't mean that you need to accept for yourself that that is an overwhelming and strategic intent in order to create that heroin dependency on what is love inside your relationship, what affection is inside the relationship. Okay? So, you don't have to allow this to be applied to yourself and what you are doing if you're coming from a genuine place where you're not looking to control, manipulate somebody into that dopamine addiction. relationship of, oh, they need to get their high from me, rest assured what you're doing is not love bombing. It may be genuinely and highly affectionate actions. It may be overly generous at times, but it's not love bombing. Okay? The last one that we're gonna tackle here, and this one not so much in open spaces, especially in the men's groups. Women tend to talk about this one a little bit more, but in the shared spaces where men and women both exist, that seems to be where I see this one pop up the most, and that's avoidant anxious attachment. Okay, so the problem with this is these are both completely acceptable terms to see inside groups about divorce and separation. It's when they're weaponized. Again, we come back to that control, that idea of applying to somebody else in order to make them change. Okay. How it's misused? It's using the attachment styles as fixed character, okay? Either as this is entrenched in this person and this is always who they will be, they can't change from it, it's just who they are, or it's being used as an excuse personally to avoid taking accountability or responsibility for their actions. Sorry, the watch keeps going off because it says that I'm walking. My hand talking is getting my steps up for the day, I guess. this. But when you start to say, I can't communicate because I'm an avoidant, okay, or you're blaming a partner's need for space to pull back as an insecurity— well, this is just who you are— that's weaponized attachment, okay? It's not a good thing. It's not the proper use of this, saying, well, you are pulling back because you're insecure. You're avoidant. Personality trait is showing up and that's why you're pulling back. There are legitimate reasons to pull back in a relationship. Also, the anxious side of things. Well, you know, you're just trying to be controlling, you're trying to be manipulative, you're trying to be overwhelming, you're trying to— leave me alone, go away. Okay. The reality is there are also completely legitimate times to pursue. There are completely legitimate times to move forward in conversation when conversations are Need to happen. So understand on both sides that this can be weaponized and used negatively. The clinical reality on these terms, guys, is they're adaptations in relational bonding. They're fluid. They're responsive to needs for safety or their needs for resolution, and they're meant to be areas that we grow in. They're not meant to be inhibiting. They're not meant to be restrictive. They're not fences that we put around people to say, You are an avoidant, or you are somebody with an anxious attachment style, and so that's who you are. These aren't permanent labels, guys. And again, as you go through a lot of the work that men need to do in their separation and their divorce, this is a big one, guys. We've got to work through this, okay? If you find yourself that is someone who typically finds themselves as an avoidant, you try to avoid the problems that are in front of you, you try to pull back, that's something that you can work on. You can grow through that. You can. Identify that habit and that behavior and really do some work, either personally through a lot of different books that are available, resources that are available. You can do it through counselors. There's online counselors, there's personal counselors, there's therapists, there's psychologists, there's psychiatrists. There's a lot of resources out there where you can learn to actually address when these things pop up and tackle them. Break down the neural pathways that you've built. Break down those automatic response systems that you have built. And genuinely pull away from these things. When these things happen, they're not necessarily a bad thing. If you're a person who in the past has had avoidant tendencies, you can recognize that, that, oh, I feel that coming back. I feel that response coming up, and that means that I'm probably in a situation or circumstance that I am uncomfortable. I'm not feeling safe in. And that's okay, especially as men, guys. You need to hear that. It's okay to not feel safe all the time, but recognizing that that's happening, you get to choose how you are going to react to that. Is it healthy for me to pull back from the situation? Is that one of the boundaries that I've created that are a healthy boundary that I am going to pull back from the situation? And it's not out of a place of fear or response. It's a conscious decision that I'm making, recognizing the situation, analyzing it, and making that decision. Same thing with being anxious. Am I attacking this simply out of response of chase, chase, chase, chase, chase, chase, chase? I have that fight response. I've got to go get it. I've got to go after it. Or are you stopping, realizing you're not feeling safe in this environment? And so what you're doing is attacking the situation out of responsiveness. I am just programmed to do what I'm doing right now. I haven't paused. I haven't considered. I haven't thought this through. I'm not taking the time to realize that this is more than likely My discomfort or my lack of familiarity with a situation or space. What do I do with this? So, that's it for today, guys. That's, that's a half hour here that I wanted to put in on this. Hopefully, this is helpful for you guys breaking these down. I know that there is an awful lot in this. I hope you got some value from it. Again, if you guys were able to make it all the way through here, please make sure wherever you're watching this to just engage in some way, shape, or form. Like, follow, subscribe. I don't know where you're seeing this, but wherever you happen to be seeing this, please just take a moment to engage. If I didn't cover a term that you have seen pop up in your personal conversations, your personal life, or in the communities that you're part of, I'd love to be able to tackle that in later content, another video maybe. But let me know if these are things that you have come across. Let me know which of these stood out for you and what was helpful for you. Have an amazing day, guys. I will catch you guys next week with the next video. Take it easy.