Top Divorce Struggles for Men

All right, guys. So you are facing a divorce or separation. Maybe you're in the thick of it already. And this video is to just give you a quick overview of what's coming up down your pipeline, what you're looking at over the next, call it 6 months to 12 months, and how to actually get through it and come out better on the other side of it. Okay? So make sure you stick around. 3 is going to be so important. There's 4 things altogether, but the 3rd one is Very, very important for you guys. So please stick around for that. Let's get down to it. The first one is— All right, guys, starting off, it's your emotional and your mental health. This is going to hit you like a ton of bricks no matter what, whether you saw it coming or you didn't see it coming emotionally and mentally. You're going to take a hit here, guys. And there's a lot of different ways that guys deal with this, but you've got to be ready for it. You're not going to come through this unscathed out the gate. It doesn't work that way. When you look at the things that go through men's lives as highly traumatic events, and I know personally I've been through a few of them. I've had to bury one of my daughters. I've almost lost my wife at one point. There's all kinds of struggles that you face in life that are huge challenges. If you're in military service or police service, you've had traumatic experiences. This is going to be right up there. Okay, guys, what you are dealing with is essentially the death of one of the closest relationships you have ever had in your life. It's an actual mourning process. It's a grieving process. It's going to hit you emotionally and mentally, and you need to be prepared for it. And it's going to look like this in a couple of different ways. The first one is this: you've lost that primary person that you have— your wife, your significant other, your spouse, whoever it is that you have lost in the separation or divorce. That was your person. You'd wake up in the morning next to them. You'd go to bed at the end of the night with them. They were the person that you would call, text, message throughout the day. They were your consigliere. They were your right-hand person. And they're gone. Having that, that close intimate relationship with somebody where it's just, it's gone is going to be something that you have to learn to deal with emotionally and mentally. And if it was a shorter relationship, this may not be as drastic for you. But somebody who's been through a 10, 20, 30, 40-year marriage that's come to an end or a relationship that's come to an end after that long period of time, this is going to be a big adjustment, adjustment, and you need to be prepared for that. You need to be ready for that. Don't deny that that is something that you're going to miss, okay? It's a real thing. Be prepared for it. You're going to have those moments where you just want to reach out, text, talk, message, call, and that void is going to be there. Be aware that exists. The next thing you're going to face emotionally and mentally is your identity itself. Who you are, especially as men, is largely tied to that relationship. Who you were as a husband, who you were as a provider, who you were as a protector. Those things are very closely tied to your core identity. And when those are taken or stripped or you have cast those off, you're going to have to reidentify who you are as a person. Now, for some men, this is not as challenging. You're going to be able to do this pretty well. But for a lot of guys, this is going to be a huge issue that you need to face. So don't be staggered by that. That is something that a lot of guys go through during this, and there are a lot of tools and resources that are available for you. But know that figuring out who you are outside of this relationship is definitely gonna be something that you need to take a look at. Okay, next up, it's gonna be— you've probably seen this coming. Short of there being, you know, you got cheated on and it came completely out of the blue, you never saw it coming. For a lot of men, what you're dealing with here is something that has been a long time coming, and there's gonna be a lot of pain. There's gonna be a lot of hurt. There's gonna be a lot of grief. You have to process through. That's okay. There's no shame in that. That's a reality. This is a large problem that has been a long time coming that you are probably facing now, and you're going to have to face it for a long time. So don't be surprised that there's some grief, sadness, ongoing struggles emotionally, things that you have to just deal with mentally and wrap your head around. That's okay. You're gonna, you're gonna have to face those things. Last and not least, guys, and I want to be very serious on this one, there is a severe risk of depression. A separation or a divorce is akin in many ways to the death of a loved one. It is the death of somebody that you thought you knew, somebody that you thought you loved, who you thought you were. That whole relationship, the goals, the plans that you had for the future. It's a death. You're in a mourning process. And with that can come severe depression. Be conscious of that. Because if that's a reality for you, you have to take the proper steps for the people that remain in your life, whether you guys had kids in your relationship or not, or just your friends, your family, your social circle, the people that depend on you, or just the people that love on you. They want you to be healthy, and depression is a very real risk coming out through a separation or a divorce. Okay? Be aware of that. Be honest with yourself about it. Please, please, please don't just Push that aside like it's not possible. It's a very real possibility. So what do you do with all that? Find the help, guys. Find the help. Create a small, tight-knit circle. One, maybe two guys that you can reach out to and you can dump all of it. Get your heart out. Get what's going through your mind out. Guys that are willing to just sit with you and let you dump. Get them. Find them. Figure out who they are. Find them. Most men have that one guy that they could call 3 AM no matter what and say, hey, this is what it is. If you don't have that, if you are in a complete cutoff, you've got nobody around you, go find a counselor, a therapist, a pastor, a priest, anybody that's willing to just sit there, an AA accountability partner, whoever. Find somebody that you can sit down and just, for lack of a better word, vomit. Vomit all of it out. Your emotions, your thoughts, your feelings. Just be able to dump. It's going to be so crucial just to have somebody who maybe isn't necessarily trying to help you solve it, But just help you let it all out. You've got to be able to get that out, guys. Now, that's the starting point. The next point is having, you know, a little bit larger circle, 3, 4, 5 people that you can just talk to about how's life going? How are you doing? How are you feeling? What are you up to? This is not the deep dive people that you're going to vomit everything on. This is the people that you're just going to have day-to-day conversations. They're going to help you feel sane. They're going to help you feel like you're not going nuts. They're going to help you feel like there is a real life and a normal life on the other side of this. Last but not least, guys, and I talked about a little bit on the first one, but please make sure that you try in some way to find a professional who deals with this stuff on the daily. Therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, pastors, priests, elders, however you want to go about that and tackle it. But there's people that deal with these issues and have dealt with these issues for decades. They're going to save you a lot of time and pain and anguish if you go to them, if you're able to open up and you're able to listen to what they have to give to you. Please don't avoid that step. I know for a lot of guys, I don't need that. I don't need therapy. I don't need to go do that. All you're doing is adding to your pain and suffering. Find a professional who deals with this stuff on the regular. It's going to mean a world of difference for you. The next struggles that you're going to face are the logistical real-world problems. Not in here, not up here, but out there, right? What you're going to be tackling here are, okay, logistically, do I have a roof over my head? Do I have a job? Do we have the— how are the finances going to work? We're splitting this down. Like, you have to figure out the logistics of this. Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have income coming in? Do you have a job? Do you have the means to provide for yourself? Can you take care of yourself and the people that you're responsible for? You have to tackle that. Okay? That's a very real financial thing. So make sure that you've got a budget out. Make sure that you've got all of your finances figured out. You're tackling that. If you're not sure how to do that, seek out a financial advisor. Go to a bank, have a meeting. Meet with a planner, have them walk you through what this looks like realistically so that you can prepare for what's coming next. It's going to be crucial. It's going to be vital to know that you've got a roof over your head and you've got an ability to earn an income to provide. Okay? You can't just stop life as a whole because you're going through a separation or a divorce. Okay? The other thing is your physical health. Okay? And that may seem like, okay, well, it's emotional, mental. It's not. It's actually getting out into the world and being physically active. You're going to have to be able to Wake up, go to work. You're going to have to be able to have conversations with people. If you are physically unhealthy, so you are binge watching TV, you're eating total junk, you're drinking, you're doing drugs, whatever it may be, you're sleeping all day, you're not doing anything. If your physical health starts to wane, if you start to physically decline, it makes everything else that much harder. So please, please, please make sure that you have a plan for your physical health the same way as you do for your emotional, mental, and Logistical health, okay? If that means that you've got a workout regimen, you've got a workout buddy, you've got a specific diet you're choosing. I'm not advocating for one specific diet or workout regimen, but having those can be very, very helpful. I know for me personally going through this, I chose to do the 75 Hard program 'cause it gave a very strict and outlined process to follow, and that was hugely helpful for me. But even just having a simple diet plan, having a simple, I'm gonna go to the gym 3 times a week, or I'm gonna go for a walk every day, or I'm gonna hit 10,000 steps, whatever it is, guys, Have those physical goals for yourself to keep your physical health up to par. Okay, number 3, as promised, the biggie. This is the legal side of things, okay? And I'm not going to give you any direct legal advice. I am not a lawyer. I'm not an attorney. But here is the advice. Go get a lawyer, okay? And this is not necessarily you need to retain a lawyer permanently, but at the very least, make sure that you consult legal advice, professional legal advice, either through your duty counsel, legal aid, or if you can afford to, go through an actual attorney and figure out legally where you stand. Now, you may think going into this, oh, it's going to be amicable, it's going to be really reasonable, we're going to be able to come to terms. Yes, we all hope for that. And I sincerely mean it when I say I hope for that for you. But in the event that this does break down, you want to make sure that you've got all your ducks in a row and you haven't done things that are going to necessarily jeopardize your position down the road. Okay? So take the time, reach out and find actual legal. This point is especially important, guys, If there are children involved, if there are children involved, please, please, please go seek out family legal advice. You're going to find a family lawyer and these people deal with this all the time. Okay. I know when I called mine, it was a direct conversation and right away their response was, oh, this is the usual. For me, it felt completely overwhelming what was happening. But for them, they're like, oh yeah, we see this all the time. Don't worry about it. We'll walk you through it. Here are the next steps. It is a huge relief, guys, when you go seek out professionals that work in this day to day. It makes a huge difference. It's going to take a huge load off of you as far as stress goes. It's going to help you know what's going on, what you can do, what you can't do, and what you should do. Please, please, please take the time and consider this very seriously. All right. So you've got all this kind of figured out. It's all in order. You're ready to roll. Perfect. You've got your, your emotional mental health is going well. You're working on this. You've got your, your logistics are figured out. Your finances are figured out. You've got your legal figured out. Great. What next? Social circles. Okay. And this is going to be a hard one as well, but not as essential as the legal side of things. But with your social circles, guys, get the scissors out. Okay. You're going to have to start trimming. In any separation like this, there are going to be some very clear camps. There's going to be those that are against you. And that's just a reality. There's going to be people that want to sever ties with you. They do not want to continue a relationship with you. And you have to, for your own well-being, just sever those ties. It's going to happen. Just sever them. There's going to be people that wait and see. They kind of are that middle ground where they want to have conversations. They want to see how things pan out and respect that, honor that. Give them the space that they need, but at the same time, be open to having conversations when they come around. Then you're going to have the people that are in your camp. You're going to have the people that come alongside. They support you. They're there for you. They make it very clear that they are there for you. Encourage those relationships. Don't drop them, guys. Okay? Those social circles are going to be so vital to your mental health, your emotional health, but just In your new life moving forward, you're going to have relationships. You don't want to go alone for the next however many years you've got left. You're going to want to have relationships. You're going to want to have a community. So make sure that you don't just drop everybody and try to go this alone. It's important to have a village around you, and it's important to trim the people that aren't a part of the village. Be very honest about that and do it immediately. Don't try to drag along relationships or force relationships that aren't going to work. Just let it go. Those that are there for you, they'll make themselves known and be a part of those relationships. Okay, now that's the platonic relationships that we're talking about. As far as romantic relationships goes, I— there's a lot of different advice out there for this, guys. I'm going to give you what I think is probably the best advice that you could get on this. Please do not rush into a romantic relationship. Okay, you are going through a Serious grieving process. It's a big deal. Rushing immediately into another relationship just takes all the baggage that you're currently dealing with and dumps it on this next person. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to you. It's likely just going to lead to more problems for you down the road. Take the time that you need to get this sorted, to get this figured out. Have great new friendships, build platonic relationships that, who knows, maybe down the road could be a romantic relationship. But don't just dive into dating. Don't do it. It's going to, it's going to cause more problems than it causes solutions. Guys, please take your time. Move slow. Okay. All right, guys, that's the biggies. Those are the big things that you're going to face in the upcoming 6 to 12 months coming out of a separation or divorce. Now, hopefully these were of some help to you. If they were, let me know down in the comments below which are the things that are most nagging on you right now, because I'd love to be able to create some more content for you guys and help you with those things. Now, if you're somebody who's been through all of this and you're like, oh man, I have lived this, like, I get it. I get where you're going with this. I'm completely there. Let me know some of the things that you tackled that I might have missed here. Tips, tricks that you have for other men that might be facing this and aren't sure where to go. Let me know down in the comments below and make sure that you're following, you're subscribing, because I want to keep going with this. I want to keep helping you guys wrestle through this and come to the best life that you can possibly have coming out the other side of this. Till the next one, guys. Take it easy. Bye.