Coach-style talk advising concrete practices to deepen friendships. Central recommendations: (1) cultivate generative friendships by regularly sharing ideas, goals, and concerns and explicitly asking friends to brainstorm with you ("Can I brainstorm something with you?"), and (2) build stronger bonds through shared contribution and volunteering — schedule service activities, join fundraisers or nonprofit boards, and be the friend who initiates group impact projects. Uses personal anecdotes (e.g., annual Habitat for Humanity group) and practical frequency suggestions (e.g., volunteer monthly or quarterly).
Chapters
Remember, I'm not here to say what friendships are or have to be. My job as your coach is say, well, how do we deepen them? And to deepen it, you're going to generate more ideas. You're going to share more goals and express more concerns. That's what makes you actually an authentic person, an authentic striver. I don't know you if I don't know your ideas, your goals, or your concerns, do I? I don't know you. So if we want to go deeper, which is my job today, how do you have a remarkable, long lasting, deep relationships? I got to know it. So for you, I want you to write down ideas, goals, and concerns. Your friends should be your greatest vehicle for brainstorming. Let me tell you how to have greater friends. And I really, genuinely want you guys to write this down. I want you to learn to do this. Pick up the phone, call a friend and say this. And here I can tell you the quality of friendships right now based on the statement, believe it or not, pick up the phone, call friends and go, hey, can I get five minutes? I just want to brainstorm something with you. I just want to brainstorm something with you. I can determine the quality of your friendships with that statement. When you're in friendships. And it's not what we call a generative friendship. A generative friendship means we generate ideas together. It doesn't mean they need to be the expert. It doesn't mean they need to be perfect. It doesn't even mean they need to get the topic. Friends talk things through with each other. We're in a culture in the Western world where what we do is we complain together. But that's not generative. That's actually. It's not additive, right? So complaining together. I learned that from Zig Ziglar. To listen to your friends and what's the tone? What are we talking about here? And if you're around a bunch of complainers and blamers all day long, you become that. And I was like, dang, that's real. So I want you to write this phrase down. Hey, can I brainstorm something with you? I want you to hear about this because I do consider myself someone who has deep, awesome, incredible relationships. And I feel very blessed about this. I do this all the time. I probably have. I'm not kidding you, I probably have 15 of those conversations week. 15 a week. And you're like, how can you possibly do that? Well, I have friends who are like my buddies. I have friends at work. I have friends who I would consider co Workers, people on my team. I have friends in my industry and I force myself throughout the week when I have an idea, when I have a goal, when I have a concern, and write those down. When I have an idea, when I have a goal, when I have a concern. I don't let those things live in my little head. Instead, to create relationships with others, I call and I say, hey, can I brainstorm with something you? Can I brainstorm on something with you? Sure, what's up? Well, I've got this concern right now. Or you know what, I've got this idea, I just want to bounce it off, or I've got this goal. I'm wondering if you've ever seen that or you've done it or you know someone who has. I just want to share it. Idea, goal, concern. These are part of the parlance of a great friendship. And you think about it. A lot of us don't have that. Now, I know some of you can be like, but I have a great friend. And we don't do that. I'm like, oh, my job isn't here to tell you that you can't have great friends. I have great friends who are like my pina colada friends. I don't know how many ideas we actually brainstorm with. Half the time I don't think there's an idea in our head when we're drinking a pina colada. So listen, I'm not here to say every relationship has to be perfect. Maybe you're my pina colada friend. We have a great time. We probably don't generate about how to solve the climate crisis. Okay, we're not that deep. But if I want to deepen that relationship, great friends contribute something together. Your best friends at work weren't just the party people. Often it was like you felt like you were doing something together that made a difference. Contribution is we serve together, we make impact together. This is why I always begin every conversation and meeting new friends with getting out and volunteering. Right? Just like when you volunteer with other people, it just your spirits are aligned, you're making a difference. It's just unique. You're making an impact that make a difference thing together. I'd love for you to go down all your casual relationships and go, how can I make a difference with her? How could he and I, this group makes some kind of impact. Maybe we go build a school, maybe we go paint a playground, maybe we go serve at a soup kitchen. Maybe we go, you know, build this thing or weave this thing or get that thing. Done. Or raise this money together, whatever it is, let's go do something together. Of impact is a question. You know, I remember I was in my early 30s and I saw this team they called themselves, it was like five people, it's like two guys, three gals. And every year they went away for Habitat for Humanity and they built a house somewhere. Every year they just did that. And I was like, that's amazing, you guys are so close and everything else. And they're like, they're talking and to me it was like, oh, this is a tree. But five. And then it turned out every year each of them made sure to bring two friends. And now this group was 300 people. 300 people started out with literally five. They became 300 people who went. Every year these 300 people went and mixed up and they would go around and build stuff together. I was like, that's incredible. Right? That's. I don't know about you, but some of my best friends came from service, contribution building, doing things together that made an impact, like in my industry. Some of my best friends in the industry, like we collaborate to do something, to build something, to create something makes a difference, right? That just feels amazing to me. I love that. I really do love that. What else? What else? Well, I think for those of you who are really struggling to like meet high quality people from your perspective, I can't recommend enough that, that you get involved with some local organizations that are nonprofit based and you start attending more fundraisers, more acts of service. And I know some of you go, I don't have anything, I don't have money to contribute maybe, or I don't have, you know, I don't know what I want to do. I'm like, I don't care. Go to a bunch of them and you'll learn what you like. And I will also say this, I know I've been saying this for years. I beat a dead drum a little bit here. But when you go to a fundraiser or you go to a volunteer event, do you know who goes to those like you go to black tie event, like a fundraiser as an example, do you know who goes there? The most successful, high achieving, positive, wealthy, influential people in that particular community. People who have something to give and in their spirit, in their heart says, I play this role in this community where I'm going to make a difference here. Awesome. I mean, some of my best friends I've met throughout the years, I met either doing the work of contribution or literally on a non profit board or at a fundraiser because that striving community who wants to make a difference. I can't share with that. But here's the thing. Whether you go do that or you don't, the people who are closest to you, if you want to make a difference with them, if you want to deepen that relationship, find a way to make a difference together, go do something cool that contributes. Go volunteer. I think if you really want the closest friendships imaginable, you go volunteer once a month or once a quarter. You just. You don't wait for it. You schedule it. I want you to be the friend that schedules the contribution. Be that friend. Don't hope that person comes into your life. You're that scheduler. You're that person who sets that up. You're the person that gets them together because at some point, they'll take it over. In all of my greatest friendship circles, I tend to be the person who initiates it and we do something and then someone says, I'll do it next time. Like, great, just do that. Acts of contribution together sa.
