Motivation Mashup: How to LIVE in ALIGNMENT

Congruence means you are living in alignments with what you know is the best of you. Congruence is living in alignment with what you know is the best of you. Write it down. Congruence equals living in alignment with what you know is the best of you, comma, consistently, okay? Congruence, living in alignment, meaning it's consistently living into your best self, consistently coming from your best place, consistently showing up as the person you know you are. It means speaking your truth, it means living your values. It means being a person of integrity. That's what congruence means. Living in alignment with the best of who you are and living in alignment with your values. Being someone who represents what you really believe. And this one, I mean, imagine if you feel like you're a kind hearted person, but you're consistently a jerk to your neighbor. Your brain knows that and your brain logs it into a perception of self. And that's the problem. Write this down. The brain keeps score. That's the challenge with congruence. Your brain's keeping score. You say you're going to be a healthy person this year and you knock down a couple bottles of wine, hopefully not the same sitting. You overdid. You know, you took four weeks off of working out. Just because you don't follow, you're not congruent with what you said. You said you were going to do this thing, you didn't. And that incongruence creates a greater log of reasons to not be confident. Because guess what? When you are not congruent, your brain logs that and what it says in that log, that log entry. When you're incongruent, your brain makes an entry in your confidence, bank account, a withdrawal. And what it says, not literally living your word, not living your truth, not doing what you said you would do. And too many of those negative withdrawals sucks away your confidence. And so some people are bankrupt in confidence because they're not consistent in congruence.

You follow?

You got to go, oh, okay. But here's what you need to be congruent.

What do you need?

Clarity. You say, okay, these are my values, these are my beliefs. This is what I think is important as a human being, as a parent, as a caregiver, as a leader, okay? And then congruence is living up to that. Congruence is measuring this. Congruence measures whether or not you're doing what you said you're going to do. And that's important. So here's the simplest fix. If you're been pulling too many withdrawals out of that bank account. It's time to put some back in. And so today might be the day you go, where have I been incongruent? Where do I say something and I don't do it?

Where have I treated people in a.

Way that that's not who I really am? Where am I doing things because I feel obligated to do them for others? But that's not. That's not really me. Where have you been faking it? Where you've been showing up as someone that's not authentic to you, you know, share a funny story? I'd like to keep it hopefully entertaining enough for you guys as we ask some tough questions. Personal development. The best of personal development is tough questions, you know, but some of it's too just those epiphanies we get along the way. And I remember I was talking with a person about social media, and, you know, they had seen what, you know, we had achieved. Early days of Facebook. I was the first person in personal development to hit a million people on Facebook, like a personal development teacher. And so we had a million. Then it was two, then it was three.

There's four.

It was just like. It was bananas. It was totally crazy. It was my quotes and my writing that was getting shared so much. And someone said one time, you know, well, all these other influencers, they're showing their day more than you do, you know, and they're, you know, you live on the beach. We've never seen a picture with you on your beach. Or we've never seen you do this. And we don't see that. We don't see that, and we don't see that. And I go, I don't feel like I have to show every part of my life. I don't need to take my shirt off for everybody just because other people take their shirt off. That's not congruent with how I feel like I show up in the world. I don't have to show my butt. I just don't feel like it's a thing that's just not going to be me. No judgment. I just know that that's not me. There's a lot of things also, I wish I was like this, or I wish I could do that. But when I really think down, I go, you know what? That's not for me. And I have clarity. That's not for me. Think about every major pain you've had in your life. You went in the wrong direction or you went with the wrong person, or you didn't listen to that whisper that said, no, that's not us. And so you faked it till you made it, but you made it and you're still faking it. And so what ends up happening is we got to know when we're out of congruence. Where are you out of congruence? And can you do the simple acts? Sometimes when you're out of congruence, first you just apologize to yourself. You say, you know what? Gosh, Brendan, I haven't been honest with myself. Let's make a change. Maybe you've been incongruent with someone who you love.

And just go, hey, you know what?

I'm sorry about my behavior lately. That's not the energy I want to bring to my marriage. Maybe you've been incongruent with some friends. You know, you said you'd be there, and they're going through a hard time and you haven't even called them.

You call them up and say, hey, you know what? I'm sorry.

I want to let you know I'd like to think of myself as a better friend than that. So I'm going to call you every Monday, 5pm I'm gonna bother you, make sure you're okay. I think the fastest path back into congruence is an apology. An apology to yourself, an apology to other persons. Because, you know, apologies are hard. Apologies are integrity. It takes a lot of guts to say you are wrong. It takes a lot of guts to express, acknowledge you could do better. And I think it's a beautiful place. I think most people are scared of apologies. I think they open a big gate. They open the gate to communication. I think apologies open a gate to your spirit. I think an apology can go, I'm better.

I'm better.

And so where could you be more authentically you? And where could you be more authentically you more consistently? More consistently. This is a critical one. Again, your brain is keeping the bank account. It's logging your behavior. This one's fundamental. But here's the good news, too. You get to decide today what to be congruent with. You get to decide who you are. And you can decide to show up and live into that. You get to, like many of you, go to know my story. When I was a depressed young man and suicidal, at some point, I knew that wasn't me. I wanted to live my life. And so I had to go, okay. I need to make sure each day I give reverence to my Creator that I am still here.

I need to make sure each day.

I do something that has a Passion. I do eat something today. I bring some joy each day. I sense aliveness in my life. I'm going to live into that congruence because I'm not there yet, but that's who I really feel. So in other words, you can grow into your aspirational self. You can learn to be more congruent with a better version of yourself than you are today. That's where personal growth comes from. A better vision of yourself. And you live into that each day. You congruently show up consistently show up for that new image, that new image of yourself. That's what's beautiful about life. You get to recast. A mature adult gets to recast a vision of themselves, right? Unconscious animals don't get to do that. We as a human species have this weird, bizarre ability to set a different vision for ourselves. You know, an alligator is always going to think of itself as an alligator. It's just an alligator. Humans can imagine a different self. How incredible is that? So use that power. Use that power. New vision for yourself. Show up for it each day. New vision for yourself. Show up for it each day. New vision. Show up. The more you do that, the more the brain logs puts that cash money into that confidence. Bank account says, uh huh. She's walking the talk, people. Get out the way. Here she comes. She's in charge. She's back. There she is. Got it. It's important, y'.

All. High performance training, action mindset. This is important. How do you develop the action mindset? But actually also here, I should just add this. How do you actually get the action mindset and then make it a discipline. Discipline. Here it is. First thing you got to adopt. Well, there it goes. Is your. Let's try this, your 30 minute daily block. People tell me all the time, Brent, I got this dream or this goal. I'm like, great. What 30 minute period of day are you going to work on it today? What do you mean? You said you have a big goal, right? Yeah. Big idea, right? Yeah. Okay, show me. When's the 30 minute block that that thing gets today? It's a new idea you say, right? Yeah. Okay, where is it? Is it 1:30 to 2? Is it 4 to 4:30? Is he going to check it at 5 right after work till 5:30, then get on the commute a little later. Like when new ideas must have new blocks of time. Write it down. New ideas must have new blocks of time. If you got a new idea someday, someday, big dream and it doesn't land in the calendar. And at least listen daily, 30 minute, daily block of time. Of course you're not going to get momentum. It's got to be. Look, if you won't give something 30 minutes a day, it don't matter to you. Just be honest. Like, any good parent will tell you this. Like, if you don't spend 30 minutes with your kids a day, I mean, good luck in having that connection. Good luck. Good luck in forging that future. Good luck in helping that person feel loved and supported. I mean, if something is important to you, you give it time. Is it true? So if this idea is important to you, immediately, mindset. This is what I immediately do. 30 minutes. And if it's a completely new idea, it's gotta get at least 30 minutes. If I want it to actually come true. And it's important. From the time I set the idea, the next day it gets 30 minutes. Big new idea. Must do it. If it's important to me, the next day, it gets 30 minutes. Not four years from now. Like, right now, I have a big partnership I'm working on. Like, it completely came into my life, totally interrupted my life. I don't have any time. But it's important. I found 30 more minutes a day. Right? 30 more minutes is easy to find for everybody. People don't think they can. It's possible. I just had a friend and I get in a huge argument over lunch about this. Not Everybody can find 30 minutes. And I'm like, who can't find 30 minutes more a day? Like, show me.

Which.

A little more discipline, a little more planning and preparation. Who can't find 30 more minutes a day? Well, you know, I'm busy, and I have all these things you don't understand. I'm like, okay, walk me through your day. Well, I have to get up. I got to get everything, you know, get the kids ready for work. I got to get in the car, I got to commute. That commute's an hour every single day. I can't take away that. I got to do this and this and this. And I'm like, well, what if you didn't drive? What do you mean? Well, what if you didn't drive the car so that your focus and attention could be doing something else? Well, I got to do the commute. I don't know. I've noticed that a lot of cars have a passenger seat and some of them even have a back seat. And if you sit in one of those, you don't have to do this. And I just got you an hour a day. So many people are so they believe so deeply that they are managing their time so great. I'm like, no. Most people have so much free time, they have no idea. It's that they are distracted and unprepared or addicted to consuming that they're losing little pieces. And especially here in the United States, you guys have heard me rail on this. The average American, four hours of television a day. Don't tell me you don't have 30 minutes a day. I don't know anyone who can't find 30 more minutes a day for a great new idea that can change their life. You got a new idea that can change your Life? Find your 30 minutes every single day. Number two, remember the first output rule. First output rule says this. Got a big new dream, big new goal, big new idea. Don't think that you have to do what we've all been taught, which is begin with the end in mind. Because sometimes you don't know what the end in mind is, but you know the first step. So what I tell people is like, I got a big new idea. I go, great. What's the first output that you would have to create on that immediately? What's like the first output that would start you on the path? I don't know. Okay, figure that out. First step. First output, right? First step is not the research. What's the first output? Let me give you an example. When I began my career, I said, one day I'm gonna do video courses. And in mine, going to do online courses. That was the big idea. I, Brendon Burchard, am going to do online courses. Guess what I didn't do? I didn't say, well, I better figure out the whole curriculum for all the courses for the rest of my life. Begin with the end in mind. Didn't do that. I said, what's the first step that would allow me to start doing that? Okay, first step, get in front of camera, teach and post it on the Internet. That's the first output one, teaching video on the Internet. So I went and I got my stupid little at the time, flip video camera. Some of you guys know about those. Got a flip video camera. I duct taped it to a box. I put on my cleanest shirt at the time and I stared at the camera and I taught and I pulled off the flip video camera and I spent four hours uploading it on the Internet.

You remember that?

Probably not, but you remember that?

Yeah. Upload, upload, upload, upload.

And then it wouldn't play because it was. Wouldn't stream fast enough. But I Spent the time, the first output to me building an online course, Empire One video. What's your first output? Do that now. That's how you maintain momentum. The reason people don't stick to their habits is because they're waiting to create the output someday. I'm like, what's the first output? Do it. That's the thing to work on right now. When you got that 30 minute daily block, work towards that first output. Because you get the first output, you got real momentum. You get the first output, your dream, your idea is realized, it's tangible. It's like, oh, I did that thing.

First output.

If you don't know the first output of what you have to create, you don't even have a dream. You don't even have a fully thought out idea. First output, make it, do it, create it, post it, do the thing. That's it. I want to write a book, Brendan, but I don't know what the whole book is. I'm like, great. First output, first page, write it. What do you mean? I don't know what the book is? Write the first page. But I don't know what the book is. Write the first page. First output would be the first page of the book, right? Write the first page. But I don't know what the five chapters are. I don't write the first page. See, you don't have to know the whole picture. First step, do the first output. Because you get that first page done, you probably get that next page done. Probably get the next page done and you'll start getting clarity of the project. A lot of the creativity of life comes in motion, not beginning in speculation. Okay, next up, number C. 90 day challenge.

I can't believe how many people have.

A big dream or big goal and they don't set up their own 90 day challenge. Like, okay, what's your first output? Good job, appreciate you. But you got 30 minutes every single day in 90 days. Where are we? 90 days, 3 months, let's go. Because, see, what most people are, they're scared to commit to the bigger idea and dream. And I go, oh, don't commit to the first big idea. Dream not for life. Just like you won't ruin your life forever. Don't commit to your new idea or dream forever. I need 90 days. Give me 90 days, man. Commit to that thing. 90 days and get at it for 90 days. Reevaluate after 90 days where you're at. Don't think. See, most people don't take an action because they think, well, I'll have to do this action forever. Just like they worry I'll be ruined forever. Think there's no forever. There just isn't. There's just now. None of us are guaranteed anything. So if what we have is right this moment and we're looking to the future and we're working towards that, Good job. In 90 days, where are you?

That's it.

What'd you do in 90 days? Did you lose five pounds? Great. You don't have to say, I'm going to be completely life transformed.

I'm going to have six pack abs.

And still drink pina coladas on the beach with 40 people in bikinis.

Or I'm.

No, no, no, no, no, dude, lose five pounds. You got 90 days. Go like, just set the 90 day challenge for yourself and get at that and then worry about the next series of goals after that. So if you've got a big idea or dream and you're really committed to it, commit to a 90 day challenge. And what does that mean for you specifically? What's going to happen at the end of 90 days? How you think, how you feel, how you move, what we achieve, what outputs are created. Get really clear on those types of things. You'll be so happy you did. Without these things, there is no idea into action. There is no momentum. It's why you didn't stick to your habit because you didn't give it 30 minutes a day. You didn't stick to your habit because you didn't even know what you were supposed to do. You didn't stick to your habit because you didn't at least set a time period that was realistic for yourself, that was doable. D you got to have your drop list. There is no new idea in your life without a drop list of things to stop doing a drop list. I'm dropping these things. I am not doing these things. I'm saying no to these things. I'm getting this off the agenda. I'm letting that responsibility go. It's the things you aren't going to do that help you do the things that you're going to do. So you got to spring clean a little bit. If you got new dreams in your life, spring clean, what are you going to stop doing? Right? I'm very, very, very disciplined about this. For me personally, I have one of my own personal practices. On the 1st of every month, I make my drop list. Every month, not once a year, every month I go, okay, this month, what do I need to drop? Because inevitably, you know, I'm moving so fast I pick up new Things I'm doing all the time, right? Some new idea, new dream, new thought. Because I'm trying to innovate, I'm trying to be up front, I'm trying to lead, I'm trying to change things. And then what ends up happening is throughout the month, other people also do what other people give you responsibilities, give you ideas, give you programs. They're adding onto your plate. All month long, you're collecting a bigger and bigger plate, right? Some. Some months I start, I go, okay, well, this month I'm going to do these five new things. And the end of that month, I realize, you know, I'm not going to maintain five. I'm going to drop two of them. I'll stick with three, but I can't do all five. That's a drop list. Without a drop list, I have no idea how you can keep adding new things. Make sense? Some of the biggest breakthroughs in our life is when we just stop doing the things that we know or aren't right for us. Next up, big important one, the Friday friend status call. Everything that we know from goal setting comes back to sociology. If you don't have someone you're doing something with actively, if you don't have an accountability partner, you don't have a coach, you don't have a friend you go to lunch with, or someone you talk it through, then the odds of that happening for you are so low. Because you know what? We're social beings. We need processing time with other people. And the more processing time we have, usually the more progress we get, right? It's why therapy is so powerful in unlocking people or coaching so powerful in unlocking people. It's like, oh, I'm processing. Oh, I'm getting distinction. I'm getting more progress. You need that Friday friend status call if you got a big new goal or dream. All I want you to do every Friday at the end of the day, literally 5 minute, 10 minute, 15, 30 minute call, whatever it is, pick it up, call your friend and say, I did this this week, struggled with this. This worked. That went well. You, now you go, how did you do? And just. You got one person in your life. Every week you're talking about momentum with. I don't care if it's your mom. I prefer this as a human. So not the cat, but a human that you, every single week, you talk through things with. Like, where are you? I don't care if it's a librarian. I don't care if it's your social worker. I don't care if it's your brother, I don't care who it is. Can be the stranger across the street. Don't talk to strangers if you're PG13. But everybody else have that conversation and just on a Friday go, hey man, this is where I'm at. Because if you won't do that, I promise if you don't socialize your learning, you will not achieve your dreams. You must socialize. What am I learning? Where am I at? How's it going? What am I struggling with? You got to ask for help, but you need a consistent basis. Big dreams require weekly check ins. Write it down. Big dreams require weekly check ins. So who's going to be your weekly check in? Accountability coach, friend, mentor? Who every week check in and if you're like, well, I don't know anybody, everybody hates me. You know what? Go on your Facebook page every Friday at 5 and go, this is what I learned this week. This is what I tried. What did you guys try? And all the people who make fun.

Of you, delete them.

And everybody else say, good for you. So easy. Life's very simple. Next, create motivation triggers. When I walked in this door today, it's the same when I walk in the doors of my conference rooms, when I'm doing my seminars, that when I usually my doorway trigger, meaning that's what a motivation trigger is. A trigger is something physical or tangible happens and you attach either a statement or an action to it. Okay. Trigger is something tangible that you say or do when something else happens. So when I walk through a door, and that's every door of my life, I walk through a door, my mind almost always says, because I'm just conditioned it over and over and over doing this. I walk through a door, my mind says, I am a happy man entering this space ready to serve. I'm a happy man entering the space ready to serve. It's been since I was like 20 years old one because I always want to remind myself I'm happy. I have so much to be grateful for. So do you. So how are you reminding yourself that you're grateful, that you're happy, that you're good? And then I remind myself I'm entering the space ready to serve, not hoping to serve, not maybe one day I'll deserve to serve. I'm ready right now. Whatever. I know I believe in my ability to figure things out. I'm ready to serve now. I don't need permission, I don't need more money, I don't need more team. I'm ready to whatever I got I'm ready. Let's go. I don't need new things, more things, better things, tons of things. I'm ready to serve right now. Let's go. I'm not ever waiting to provide service to the world, ever. You don't have to have the big stuff, the fancy stuff. Just go. I didn't have big fancy cameras and lights and fancy big flip charts when I started this. It was me in a really dirty shirt with the. The thing, the button's too hung open.

Like, you know, it's like it was.

So nasty and gnarly and bad. It was awesome.

And I was ready to serve.

You don't have to have everything. I was watching this documentary recently on Usain Bolt, one of the greatest. Well, he is the greatest sprinter of all time, right? And you see the scene of him and he's doing sprints in a field with like this sort of little belt tied around his waist, tied to a chain, tied to, you know, we would call it a weight sled, but you.

Could barely call it that.

A little metal sled where you put on like, you know, weights, like a 45 pound weight from it, like lifting. And it's like. So he would sprint with this little things. When you go to the NFL or I work with my, you know, my major teams, they usually got. They got the fancy sleds, these longer sleds that glide when you take off, that release proportionate amount of tension along with the weight as you speed up. Like, like very fancy contraptions. Now this dude, the best ever, is down in Jamaica in a hot field with this huge belt on with like one coach, not 12 coaches, one coach standing there next to him. He ties this thing and when he takes off, this thing is bouncing along behind him. It's like, just like. You're like. And he's the world's best because he's not waiting to have everything to train. He's training. I'm not waiting to have everything to serve. I'm serving so many of my people. Well, one day when I have a following, I'll post some stuff. I'm going to start posting stuff now. One day when I'm ready, I'll put myself. No, there is no one day to be ready. You're ready now. Go. It is a mindset. You must have. You're ready to go. So that's one of my triggers. Walk through a door. I'm entering the space as a happy man. Ready to serve. Let's go. That's just one. One trigger. I have all sorts of other triggers, I have different doorway triggers. When I walk in my house, I say something a little different to myself than when I walk in my office. But other triggers I have.

When a door closes in a car.

Every time a door closes in a car, I say something else to myself. When I walk into my office, I take a first action that triggers momentum for me. Like you need to have first actions or space triggers that help you stay your best. They're ultimately all geared towards one thing. How can you remind yourself to be at your best? And how do you use physical objects, time periods, situations to get yourself there? That's the question. That's your job. These are motivation triggers. Because if you're not triggering yourself, the world's doing it for you. And if the world's doing it, you know what the world's going to trigger you towards? Angst, anger, outrage, distraction, consumption. It's not going to trigger you towards you being your best self. So if you didn't maintain your habits this year, go on my YouTube channel and type in the word, you know, type in the power of habits and you'll see a video that will teach you how to set some more of those examples. Right. If you look in a mirror, you should have a mirror trigger. See your reflection of yourself, say something to yourself. I know that sounds like just like positive thinking kind of stuff. And you know what it is because what's the alternative? Stupid thinking, negative thinking, scarcity thinking? You need to have a little bit more triggers set up to make you work. And sometimes if it's not just you, get somebody else to do it, get a coach to do it, a mentor to do it, a friend to do it. But you need to be triggered to be your best. How are you currently triggering yourself to be your best? Many of you know you've been with me for years. You know, we kind of now everybody does it, but we were the first one to do it. When the smartphone came out and the first alarm was available to be set, a label. I created this training and put it out about saying, hey, use this alarm label on your phone to send yourself reminders to tell you to be awesome. Put your three words in here that pop up and remind you who to be. Use this as a trigger to be your best instead of a box of consumption. Because this can be a weapon for good or a weapon that takes you into distraction. But it's up to you. Just like the rest of life, self reliance, it's up to you.

Hey everybody, it's Brendon Burchard. Welcome to a special edition of Growth Day. I'm really excited to talk about this month's topic, which is how do you create remarkable and long lasting friendships? And, and I'm talking about the kind of friendships that you love. The friendships that bring you alive, that bring you that connection, that help life feel more even meaningful, that help you progress and feel supported, help you be seen, help you feel a true connection with not just others, but with humanity. Because the people around you are awesome. And when the people around you are awesome, you know, you feel better about life. But we also went through this crazy last 18 months where so many people were isolated, where we had so much turmoil, so much conflict, so much in just uncertainty and fear in the world, where I really believe friendships really elevated. And you could see whether or not you had great friends throughout this pandemic or you didn't. You were able to see whether or not you got the support that you needed, whether or not you were able to maintain your sense of vibrancy in some of those times of aloneness, whether or not you had people who cheered you on when you decided to make a transition, start something new, or the kids left the house, or you got sick, or something was going on that was difficult in your life. We look to our friends and I think that this is a very undervalued conversation in mental health. So much about the mental health conversation is appropriately about self awareness, is it's about, you know, mindfulness, it's about taking care of our stressors. And a lot of it is that solo work that we all have to do for self mastery. But I can tell you that, you know, the great universities of the world, the psychology department is right near the sociology department because they go together like we are social beings. And when you lose that social connection with the world, which usually starts through lack of disciplined habits with your friends, then suddenly life loses its color. And I think this is so important. You're going to hear me talk about friendship today in a way you probably haven't heard before very much from what we would call a high performance psychology perspective. And I think you're going to love this. So if you've been struggling with friendships in your lifetime, this is not either having enough friends or not having the quality of friends that you've always wanted. This is a serious conversation today. I can't imagine a time, at least in my life so far, where friendships were so incredibly important. I get to share some of the things that really have worked not just in my life and my friendships, but in Studying this work deeply over the years and recognizing how many people are entrepreneurs, high achievers, people who are trying to make great impact in the world. You're here today. And sometimes that journey can feel very lonely. Or when you get to the top, it can feel lonely, they say. And I'm like, I kind of believe what my friend Brian Tracy and mentor said to me one time. He said, if it's lonely at the top, you did it wrong. I thought, woo, that's good, that's good. Because maybe sometimes we value today progress, we value today getting things done. We value that top mountain of achievement. And then we look around and go, oh, nobody really knows me. I don't feel a connection to others. Yeah, I got the thing, the house, the car, the bank account, the accolades, the Instagram page. And all of a sudden, though, something's missing. And friendship is one of the greatest vehicles to the real psychology of well being that we talk about here at Growth Day. I'm going to share with you a secret today, just a simple phrase. You're going to go, oh my gosh, that's why my friendships aren't going right. So you're going to love this session. I say that triangle, right, of well being that we talk about Growth Day aliveness is one of the things we all want after we had everything else, right? Another thing we want is connection. We're not after casual friendships here today. We're at like, how do I create authentic, deep, trusting, vulnerable, fun, real relationships? Because how many of you have ever had friendships that turned out to be fake? You thought you had a good friendship and that thing turned out to be not so good or poisonous or, you know, somebody, like, they weren't loyal to you as a friend, or they lied to you or, you know, something went wrong, you thought, how could that happen in that relationship? And I always tell, like, friendships are a science of relationship, right? It's about how you create relationship with others. And I'm going to give you again a phrase that will really help you with this today. And then if it's true that we want aliveness and connection, this triangle, nothing that we want is meaning. Well, meaning isn't achieved just by living your purpose each day in your own head. Meaning is achieved through a social relationship network. My sense of meaning is, do I feel connected to the world? And the world isn't an abstract thing. It's not like I feel connected to the oak tree. It's like, no, I mean, did I feel, did you make your difference in the world that's going to be served and answered through your social impact, your relationships with others. And I have to tell you, after I've been coaching people for 20 years of my life now, and a lot of people have one friend. You know, in the United States, unfortunately, the number of people with three good friends has declined over the decades. You're like, three good friends. Oh, we got to talk about that. Because some people stumble into friendships or hope for friendships, just like some people hope to have a loving relationship, just like some people hope to have a good job, just like some people hope that, you know, they get healthier. And then there's strivers who take life a little bit by the reins and say, no, no, no, let me architect that, Let me build that. And I'll give you my own examples today of where I sucked at friendships and I had to learn, how do you do them and how do you create them? And once you know how to create and craft them, life really opens up for you, and it becomes not just more alive and connected, but more meaningful. Like, a sense of meaning happens when we have a tapestry of social relationships that are real and impactful. And then, of course, in the middle that triangle, you always see me draw out growth. Your friends should be lifting you up, not pushing you down. Your friend should be inspiring you to get better. Your friends should have your back, but also be willing to challenge your face. You know what I'm saying? Like, your friends are, are, and should be one of your primary growth drivers in life. Most people choose ambitious goals to be their growth driver. Oh, I'm going to do something that's hard, or I'm going to try to achieve this amazing thing. I'm going to try to become a millionaire or make this difference or build this company or, you know, have this type of family, and it's this external climb, this thing they're trying to achieve. And too many people forget. It's like, actually, one of the best drivers of growth isn't your job, isn't your goals, it's your friendship circle. And when your friendship circles make you a more alive, deeper, caring, thoughtful, authentic person in the world, telling you what, guess what? At work, you're better. At home, you're better. Your art gets better, your sense of life lifts. Let me share with you what I really believe to be the two central problems of friendship. Okay, the two central problems of friendship. The first one, a failure of each of our own. I'm just taking this on myself as well. It's like we fail in life to realize most of our friendships were Assigned, not aligned. Most of our friendships were assigned, not aligned. What I mean by that is many of our friendships happen because group assignment, right? Think about it. Some of your best friends, where'd you meet them? School, your neighborhood, some other affiliation, Maybe at work, maybe in a group that you joined. So it was like, oh, we showed up somewhere, or we were assigned somewhere and there was that girl who sat next to me in class. We became friends or, oh, I worked with this person at work. We were co workers, we became friends. And these are kind of like assigned friends. And I know that sounds really weird to say, so bear with me a little bit. I don't mean that the manager like you're going to be friends here. What I mean is because of your group, your affiliation, or where you were, you kind of met people there. And by default, by you being a good person or communicating or doing stuff with them, you kind of became friends versus, that's like an assigned friend. It's like, oh, because we were here, we became friends versus an aligned friend, which is, oh, I'm an adult now. What are the types of friends that I want to create that align with my passion, my dreams, my lifestyle, my values, my beliefs, the things that I want of life and let me go get them, not let them fall into my lap, which brings up the second designation. And this is hard to say to people. And if you're in a place where you feel lonely in your life or you feel like you don't have great friendships, I promise this will be so helpful for you today to even know how your own brain thinks. And many of us. And I was this way probably all the way throughout high school, even I never. And this is the second problem of friendships. I never made the deliberate choice to have remarkable friendships. I kind of ended up with friends. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Who's, like, ended up with friends if you kind of just ended up with like, this person? It was kind of my friend. One of my buddies goes. He goes, I don't want no rando friends. And it was like, random. Now, I love random. I love the universe. I love God, I love coincidence. Listen, I read the Celestine Prophecy. People are glowing out there for me. I believe in that coincidence stuff. But I can also share with you, like, if you just allow randomness in your life all the time, you'll always feel a sense of mediocrity too. We have to stretch. We have to choose our life, and to choose our life, we have to be deliberate and go, what kind of life Do I want, I would like you to learn to architect your ideal friendships. And can you get all of them? And will all your friendships be perfect? I'm not that guy. I'm not here to promise everything's going to be sweet and perfect and peaches in life. I am here to suggest though that if you haven't deliberately chosen the types of friendships that you want, that's a.

Problem.

Especially if you're an adult.

Right?

And that's the thing is we're just, we're not encouraged to do that. Think about how much time.

People were.

Feeding your ears with the idea you had to be really thoughtful about the career you choose. How many of you ever had more people tell you more times about be so thoughtful about the school you choose, the career you choose, but no one ever said as much because be very thoughtful about the friends and the friendships that you build. And that's why we have a lot of high achieving people who are lonely their whole life. Think about your career. What are you going to be one day? Very rarely. What's the type of social network you're going to build around you? What's the type of friendships you're going to architect? What are you going to be proud of? Terms of your friends in the future? What do you want your friends to achieve? What do you want your friends to experience in life? Not just what they give you, but what are you going to give out too? What kind of friendship do you want to create and experience? How do you want your friends to actually interact with one another?

Have you ever thought about that?

We spend so much time. If you're a parent and you have two kids, you're so worried about how they interact, right? I know people who've never even thought, how do I want my friends to interact?

I mean, they might think, you know.

What, we shouldn't put them in a room at a party because they have this history of that background. But very few people are like, I'm going to actually teach my friends how to be friends with one another. Now I know some of you might be like, this guy sounds like a control freak. I'm like, I am, but I'm a happy one. You know what I'm saying? I think this is such an important area to architecture. Most friends have never talked about how to be friends. They just go, you want to go to lunch, they go to lunch. They talk about the weather, the waiter, the food, what's going on. They leave and there's no architecting. There's no, I think of like social Systems are things that can be shaped. You all think, like at work, right? How much we talk about at work, building a culture. More books and more people have spent time on this conversation of building culture at work and never the culture of a friendship. Isn't that weird? I don't know where along the line we lost the conversation and the desire to choose to build awesome friendships and a culture of friendship, meaning not just friends. Most people think of, I want a friend, right? When you're in high school, you just want a friend, right? You're just like, at least I was. Can I get one? You know, it's like you worry about having friendships when you grow up. And usually that means you think. And we're all trained this way, especially in Western cultures. We're taught to have a friend, and we think in a very individualistic mode. I and this person are in relationship, and then you have another friend. I and this person are in relationship, and maybe you go out and you try to get them together and we have a party. But even at the party, it's individual nodes. Me, that friend and this friend. And I don't get trained, as I'm getting older, to think as a systems social architect. Oh, wow, look at all these nodes, if you will, these friends. If I like each of these people and have relationship with each people, why don't in some way I weave them together and create a tapestry of friendship where I'm actually connecting the dots and creating a culture of friendship. See, we don't think like that, do we? I was a very, kind of solitary child. I was kind of in my own little world. I don't know about you all, but I was definitely, you know, much. I would be like an introverted kind of child. I kind of kept to myself. I like to play with my toys kind of by myself. In elementary school, from what I can remember, I was kind of solo. Brendan. I didn't see social systems right. I was in a class with kids and a teacher, and. And I had a relationship with the teacher, and I had a relationship with this person or that person or not. But I couldn't see the class. I couldn't say, oh, you know, like, this group is kind of like this. Instead, it was just like, she likes me or she doesn't. Teachers like that. I didn't see the system. Today I'd like you to try to see the system a little bit. See the system of the friendships you've built in your life. See the system at play, at work. See the system of your culture or your Nonprofit or your company, when you can start seeing a bigger picture and get out of your head a little bit. Now, something happens. There's connection. There's community. See, everyone says, I want community. I'm like, well, you can't be an individualistic person in the community forever. You have to elevate to seeing the system. If you'll never be a community member or an effective one or a helpful one, if you can't get out of your head, well, I'm saying that not as judgment to you. That was me. So there's no judgment here. If you don't have friends. I'm like, I'm telling you my story, too. I was a solo person. I was in my own head. I couldn't see the class. I couldn't see the system. And so I felt apart. And because I felt apart, and I couldn't see what was happening, and I didn't know how to engage. I was lonely. And then when I finally made a connection with a friend, that friend became my life. Later on, that perpetuated into, you know, some of you guys know my story of my first breakup with the. My high school sweetheart. I was destroyed because that was my one person, right? That was my one node in the world. And then when that relationship fell apart, I fell apart, became depressed and suicidal. And so how we relate with one or multiple people can completely shape our mental health. I know you already know that. And so I had to learn, like, wow, one. I don't want to ever be dependent on one friend. I want to build a support system. You ever heard that language before? No one says, go build a supporter. I want you to listen to the language of successful people. When successful people are speaking, they never tell you, go build a supporter. They say, go build what? A support system. A support network. Oh, I got to get out of single node thinking. A node is one individual unit. I got to get into the system. I got to stop thinking, does Sally at the class next, does she like me? And if she likes me, my whole life is good or bad or ruined. And I got to go, hmm. There's a class here. There's an energy, a vibe, a spirit. There's rules and norms. There's a culture here that is happening. How do I want to participate in this? And how do I want this culture to happen, too, if in ways that I can affect, what do they want? And we all have to start thinking about that more. In a society in which we're supposedly connected, but we've actually become individual nodes in the network, this can be your.

Day for personal growth.

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