Motivation Mashup: STOP Holding Yourself Back From Success (4 Dumb Things We Say to Ourselves)

Hey, everybody, it's Brendon Burchard. And today I'm talking about the four dumb things we say that prevents our own personal growth and professional excellence. Look, we all have internal thoughts that sometimes slow us down. I'm sure you know that. Sometimes you have negative thinking, sometimes you say things to yourself that justifies, you know, bad behavior or laziness or distraction. We all do. So there's no judgment to this. Except that, yes, it's kind of dumb. We say certain things that we just culturally get used to saying that we never really explore, and those things hurt our personal development. And so what I want to do is dig down into these four things we say because they're dumb. And I know once you hear a little logic behind them, you'll say, it's not worth saying that to myself anymore because it's not a true story and it's only holding you back. Okay? So first and foremost, before we go, I want you to think about a big dream of yours, something that you really care about, something you really want to make happen, or a goal that you also have had for a while. You've been trying to do it, but it's just not working out. Well, maybe you're telling yourself one of these four dumb things. Okay, so to start the first one with you, I'm going to move this aside. And here it is. I hear this one all the time, Brendan.

I've tried everything.

Whenever I hear that, I know I'm talking with a crazy person. I'm just teasing. Here's what I know. People often when they hear a new idea or you say, hey, have you thought about chasing that dream or pursuing your goal? They say, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've tried everything. And because they tried, one, two, three, maybe four things they say didn't work for me, that's not right for me. That's not possible for me. And those aren't true stories. As a high performance coach, often when I sit down with people, I talk about their dreams. They often say this to me, well, Brendan, I've already tried everything. And so I say to them, oh, great, then show me the list. And they go, what do you mean? I say, show me the list. They say, what do you mean? I say, well, if you tried everything, then of course you would have had to keep a detailed list of what you tried, when you tried it, what results you got, what worked and what didn't work. If you didn't have a list like that, you couldn't ensure things that you know were, like, mutually exclusive and if you couldn't tell things that were mutually exclusive, then you wouldn't know you tried everything. So have you ever told yourself that? I've already tried everything, didn't work. Think about how many times in your life you give up too soon. You're at like that 10 yard line, the touchdown's right there, but you're like, well, I've tried everything. I guess it's not working. You back off. You know, we know from the psychology of success, it's those who persevere longer than others and maintain more resiliency in the face of challenge that succeed more. So if you ever hear yourself saying, I tried everything, no, that's a big bad story you're telling yourself and say, no, I haven't tried everything. Let me get some advice. Let me ask some more people. Let me start keeping a trail of what I have tried so I can say, already did that, already did that, but I did this, but I didn't do it in that way. There's a lot of new things you can keep trying to keep getting ahead. Don't give up on your goals and your dreams just because you tried four or five things. It's very true that often you're closer than you think, my friend. The second big thing, walk with me, is a big one, a huge one, and this one, people say to me.

All the time, sure, that works for.

Him or that works for her, but.

That wouldn't work for me.

Have you ever said that? Right?

You have this big goal or your.

Dream, you see your mentor, you see your dream, they're doing it.

But you're like, oh, that wouldn't work.

For me because that's not my style. Or I'm not like that, or she has this and he has that, and we false compare ourselves to others and we think they're so special. We still, in this culture today, we still pretend that there are some people who just have it and, and other people don't have it, right? We think, oh, well, he's just naturally good at that. She's just born to be that. But in everything that we study, those who achieve high performance in their life, they trained, they conditioned, they practiced. They sucked at first, but they were okay with that. They were cool with not being good. And then they just kept getting better and better and better and better and better. And now you watch them today and you're like, oh, wow, I could never be like that. But the reality is, you could. You just got to put in the miles. I share that with you. Just knowing how I Started my career. I used to say that, too. I look at these people on television or these big YouTubers, I see these people, you know, on big stages, motivating people. And I thought, well, I'm not like that. Because me, I'm more of an introverted person in general when I started this career. And I've had to learn to be more and more extroverted and to be good at all of this. But I'd say, well, I'm not like that. And the reality was, I wasn't like that. But I had a mission and I had a dream. And you should never make your mission or your dream bow down to your current limited strengths. Instead, you should say, if that's what I want, how could I rise up into that?

How could I train?

What knowledge, skill, ability do I need to learn and start learning right now so. So that I could have that dream, my friend, because you deserve it. So stop telling yourself you can't have it. I get all the time, well, sure, that works for Brendan on video. I'm like, what works for Brendan Video? Like, I came out of the womb like, hi, guys, I'm Brent. Richard. Like, no, this took me forever. I'm doing this extemporaneous in our new office. I don't know how it's going to go either. I just trust in that process. And, you know, for me, my first video that I ever did was so horrible. Okay. My first year of videos, they were terrible. They were awful. They were uncomfortable. Some of you still don't even like what I'm doing now. That's fine. It's okay. I just know that I'm always trying to get better and better and better and grow into the person who I know deserves that dream. Who earns that dream? No one you're looking to. None of your heroes just came out of the womb and by natural birthright or innate talent got there. They usually outworked their peers. They usually showed up more often. They usually were more strategic in getting a good peer group around them to support them, to champion on, to push them. Notice I didn't say they had a better peer group. They knew that was important, so they developed it. Because we often say, well, yeah, that strategy works for him because, you know, he's got a big community. Or that strategy works for her because, you know, she's charismatic. No, if there's a strategy, you can deploy it. You can work the same thing. Would you get the same results as someone who has 10 more years of experience as you? Probably not. They put on Some more miles. But look, no matter how small, you start, start something that matters. It's the great Zig Ziglar who taught us, right? You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to become great. Never look at people and say, well, sure she can. I can't, because that's defeatist. It is wrong, and it is holding you back, my friend. Let's go on. That's number what? One and two. And here we go. I think this one is a huge one, and it kills people's lives all the time. The third big dumb thing people say is, you just don't understand. And then they quit, just like that. When they say, I've tried everything, they quit. Well, she can do it. Sure, they quit. And then they say, well, they don't understand me. You don't understand me. And then they quit. Here's the thing. If you think people can't understand your journey, then your ego has gotten the best of you. And I do say that with all due respect, but, you know, there's 7 billion people alive on the planet right now. Somebody not only has gone through what you're going through, somebody. Somebody is going through what you are going through. To have any imagination that people can't understand you is a false story. The ego says that I'm so special, and either I'm so special because I'm so great, or I'm so special because I'm so diminished and so hurt. And these stories are stories we tell ourselves, and it ends up dividing us from people. It builds a wall to protect ourselves because we don't want to be vulnerable, or we're bitter because we have tried to communicate to people, but maybe our communication style wasn't so good. That was the case for me in college. Many of you know I was depressed and suicidal after the breakup of the first woman I ever loved. And I thought, lots of people, I thought, they can't understand me. They've never had their heart broken like this. Not like this. And I told myself this story, and I kept saying, well, they don't understand. So I wouldn't tell my friends because I thought, well, they haven't been through a breakup like this. So I didn't tell them. Everybody can understand a broken heart. I've had to sit down with parents who lost their children to cancer and say to them, I understand this is difficult. And they'd say, well, you don't understand, Brenda. You don't have a child who's been lost to cancer. But we don't have to go through the exact same things to have human empathy and caring. See by you not telling people what you really feel, what happens is they're not able to ask the questions to see what support you need. You're right. Maybe they can't help you, but they can understand and find someone who could help you. The more that you hold back, the more that you're going to be trouble when it comes to personal growth in silence, that's where suffering is. Sunni used to say they don't understand. That's when you stop communicating. That's when you stop trying. That's when you wave everybody away. Because you know what people say when you say you don't understand, you know what you're less likely to do? Raise your hand and ask for help.

Because you go, well, they don't understand.

So now you just carte blanche. No one can understand.

I'm not going to try anymore.

Screw them, they won't listen anyway. And you go in your little silo and all sudden you're not living life fully connected with other people who are the ones who could help you in the first place. Sometimes in our own belief that we're so special or so hurt or even so good or so skilled and we think, well, they don't understand us. Whether you say that as a CEO, my team doesn't understand me or you say it as a spouse, you know, well, my spouse doesn't understand me or you say it to your family, my family doesn't understand me. That's just ego. Everybody can understand you now. You need to develop better communication style to help them understand. That's what I had to do. After I realized that maybe people could understand my depression, my heartache, I realized, you know what, maybe I need to learn how to communicate in a different way so they could understand how what was going on in my life was really affecting me and so I could communicate in a better way what I needed for some help. That's all. Sometimes we just have to learn to communicate more what we're going through with people to be more explicit, not drop hints but, but just say this is what I'm going through and this is what I need help on. And you know what, if you tell people that consistently often enough with an open mindset, you'll find you get more help in the world. So here we are.

Three things.

So far I've tried everything. Brendon. Sure. That doesn't that works for them Brendon, but not for me. And you don't understand. Brendon. These Things hurt your personal growth. And then there is one more big one and this one, I hate it. Alright, this is the one. I don't have many pet peeves in my entire life. I've been coaching professionally for 10 years now and I've been deeply immersed in the research and psychology, personal development, neuroscience and behavioral economics and everything I can get my hand on to understand the human condition. This one, I'm not gonna lie, I can't understand it. I hate it when people say this to me and they say this all the time on my Facebook post, on my YouTube thing. I have to go calm down because it's so obnoxious and I see it steal so many people's lives. Here's what they say though. Brendon.

Sure.

Easier said.

Than done.

Perhaps the dumbest reason ever not to try something, right? That's what people say. Easier said than done, sure. So I'll say something like, hey, you know what, Be more kind to your loved ones and someone will post, easier said than done. I'm like, so you're not going to try, right? Hey, you know what, Try to develop a morning routine where you take, you know, five minutes for yourself. Easier said than done.

I have children.

I'll say, hey, you know what? Try to set goals that are a little harder easier said than done. You know, people can be disappointed. Easier said than done is a defeatist statement and it's also kind of dumb. And here's why I say it's dumb. Think about this. Easier said than done. What isn't easier said than done, right? Everything is easier said than done. Gee, honey, I'm going to go get.

That ice cream in the fridge.

Easier said than done. That'd be accurate, right? I'm going to go pick up that paperclip. Easier said than done. Everything is easier said than done. So it's a stupid universal thing that we say but we often stop after it and that's what I don't want you to do. So with all these things in mind, I know I'm playing fun a little bit that you know these things are dumb. But here's what I like to share with you. If you're struggling and you're trying to get ahead, examine them. Do you ever find yourself saying, I've tried everything that works for her. You don't understand or easier said than done because what would happen in your life if you just flipped it around a little bit? What would happen instead of saying, I, I've tried everything you said. What else could I try that would help Me feel fully engaged and more likely to progress. That's all. What else could I try that would help me be fully engaged and progress? What else? And start keeping that list? What if instead of saying, sure, she can do that works for her, but wouldn't work for me, what if instead you said, you know what? I see that working for somebody else, Let me try that and practice and get better and better and better and better. What if instead of saying, you don't understand, what if you said, hey, I'm struggling right now. I wonder if I could share with something. I'd love to see if you could understand or could give me some advice right now. And you entered the situation with humility and what if instead of saying, that's easier said than done, you said, let me try that? Because I bet that might be effective. Look, we can all be pessimists in life. I mean, it's easy to be that today. There's a lot of negativity. There's a lot of just disturbing information out online. We see it every day. It's why I spend so much time and my team spent so much time delivering to you guys great personal development as much as we can. And I appreciate all of your support of my books, my online courses, our 5 million people here on Facebook, our unbelievable community on YouTube, our blog readers, everybody who sees us out at seminars. Or maybe you'll see me out on tour one day this year. I'll be out on the road quite a bit. But we do all of that exactly to counter this negative thinking. So I'd love for you to just take a few moments, maybe tonight, and just ask yourself, are there some things I've been telling myself in my head that have been holding me back? And what if I flip them? You know, often we'll say to ourselves, what if this negative thing happens? What if we asked, what if this positive thing happens? I know that sounds so silly and you might just say, well, Brandon, you just teaching positive thinking, but I would be honored if that's what you thought I was doing. I think.

I don't know.

How do you feel about it right now? I think the world needs a little bit of positive thinking. I think people need a little bit of that belief in themselves. I think they need to believe that they can keep at it, keep going. I think right now we all need a reminder sometimes. You know what? You're stronger than you think, and the future holds good things for you. I appreciate you being here. I look forward to seeing you out on the road. Until then, Go every single day of your life. Remember that you can think more positively. Remember that the world is an abundant place. Remember that other people need you to rise and lead. Right about nine. If you can remember those things, you can live the charge line.

Ambition, ambition. But too many of us back away from it because it got made bad, right? I was scared to have ambition. Because you know what? If you have ambition too big for your britches, people start insulting you. Who do you think you are?

Oh, you think you can do that?

You don't even have any skill at that. You think you can do that? You haven't had their training, you don't have the degree, you don't have the experience, you don't have the background, you don't have the social following, you don't have the environment, you don't have the money, you don't have the bank account, you don't have the credit, you don't have. And people start puking on you when.

You share your big dream with them.

You're like, hey, look, no, listen, I'm trying to go up here. This is where I want to be, right here. I got this dream, it's huge. I got this ambition, this dream, this hunger for more. And immediately people seek to see whether or not you are qualified.

And they judge you based on your.

Past of qualification versus your present of how you show up. I don't judge anybody on their past. Let me see how you show up right now. Because everybody in this room, how many of you all screwed up a bunch in your life?

I mean, oh man, I'm such a screw up.

It's so great.

We're all screw ups in some ways or another. But how are you showing up now is the question. How hard are you willing to work now? What's the discipline you're willing to put in now? Yes, gain that knowledge, skill and ability. But, but your ambition, everything I do, everything you see me do at a public level, I had the ambition for a mission, but I didn't have the skills to do any of this. Everyone thought I was crazy. I'm gonna leave a safe job out of grad school. I got a safe corporate job. I wouldn't say a safe corporate job, but it was a good job and I liked it and it was a good job and it had sort of a very clear path to rising and I just didn't. I had something else I wanted to do. So I quit that job and everyone else said I was crazy. I wanted to go write books. I had never written books before. I Didn't know how to do that. And then I decided my first major book was going to be a work of fiction, a book called Life's Golden Ticket. And I'd never written a parable before, but I remember reading the Alchemist and being so inspired by Paulo Coelho's the Alchemist. You all read that book. I hope you all read that. It's now the seventh most read book in the history of the world. It's unbelievable, right?

So I.

And the longest running book on the New York Times in history is now the Alchemist. And I remember reading that book, and I thought I related with the storytelling in it. And I wanted to write Life's Golden Ticket, but not tell my story, my accident, but rather tell the story of a character going through change. And I got this blessed meeting with a big famous author in San Francisco, and I was so excited. I mean, because I'd been wanting to write. So I went and had this big meeting with this big, fancy. I wore a suit, and I got all dressed up, and I was so nervous. And I sat and I talked with this person, and he's hearing me describe very passionately why I want to write this book and what my life's message is about second chances. Because life's golden ticket is really a story about second chances. And so I want to tell a story about second chances. And I was so excited. And I'm telling him. He goes, so wait, this is your life's message?

I go, yeah.

And he says, you're really passionate.

I go, yeah. And he goes, but you've never written fiction.

I go, no.

And he goes, brendan, I'll never forget. He goes, brendan, do not risk your life's message on your freshman effort at fiction. Fiction's hard. I admire that you want to write this book, and that's your dream, and that's your ambition, and that's your goal, but you don't know how to do that. Ambition's really hard. People go to writers conferences for their lives. They get creative writers, writing degrees. Like he said. Everyone in this building, I mean, we spent decades trying to figure out how to do fiction. And you're just going to come and write this fiction book? I don't think that's a good idea. I think you need to write a nonfiction book. And what happens is, we have this big aspiration, but because we don't know the how, sometimes someone tells us, you don't know the how. So what do you do if you don't know the how? Yeah, you minimize it. You drop it back down to here. Maybe you drop it back down to here.

Maybe it's like here.

It started up there, but you didn't know the how, and you let other people drop that down. So I listened to the guy. I said, okay, I guess you're right.

It's true.

It sounds logical to me. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, so maybe I shouldn't risk my life's effort. So then I spent two and a half years struggling in San Francisco trying to write Life's golden ticket as a nonfiction book.

And it just.

It was like pulling teeth. I couldn't get it. You know, it wasn't working. And then it was so frustrating. And I was like, I need to figure this out. Because it was the time I was about to leave my job and everything, and I was putting everything at risk. I said, okay. The timing all turned out. Went back to my childhood home where I grew up. Tiny little home, tiny little bedroom, writing on my mom's sewing room table at the time to complete the book. And in 18 days, I said, you know what? I gotta stop trying to write the book. They told me to write and write this book that I feel like I should write. And I started all over from scratch. Complete scratch.

18 days.

All I did, I got up, my mom made an amazing big breakfast. I'd eat a big old breakfast, and I'd write and I'd write and I'd write. My dad would come home from work, we'd go play racquetball. I'd come home, I'd write and I'd write and write until it was so dark and my eyes hurt, it was so late. And I'd get up from my desk, and I'd walk around my childhood neighborhood where I grew up and my school, my elementary school and the playgrounds we'd play in. And then I'd go back, go to bed, I'd get up, and I did the same thing for 18 days.

That's it.

18 days. And at the end of the 18 days, life's golden ticket was done. Submitted to. Thank you.

Thank you.

It was 18 magical days. If you've ever read the book, there's a huge surprise at the end. I didn't even know that was coming. I did not see that come. I mean, sure. So however shocked you felt, imagine me, I was writing the book. I was just typing along, watching. I'm like, oh, damn. I remember I finished. I'm watching the movie.

I finished the book.

I'm like, whoa, can that even happen? And I literally got up and I was walking around the little desk and.

Like.

Can that character? Did I do this?

I gotta.

And I had to go for a walk just to think about if the book could even end. Because I didn't know the book was about to end. It just ended with that scene. And I was like, oh, my gosh. So it was a huge surprise to me. And I knew it was magic. I knew it was magic. We put it out there. 21 publishers turned it down. 21. My agent still jokes to this day he only told me about 19 of them turning it down because he didn't think I could take the other few more that came in. Turned it down, turn it down, turn it down. Finally, boom. HarperCollins gets it. An editor who happened to edit and publish another book called the Alchemist.

Fell.

In love with life's golden ticket and gave it a shot. We put it out there and I got this dream to be this big author. I'm going to go. We launched life's golden ticket. I have no idea, none, what I'm doing. Put the book out there, we get a bunch of cool, quick early hits. Because I had all these promotional partners in these non profits we were donating money to who supported the book. Got out there. Boom. Charts on Amazon. Really great. Next week. No one's buying it.

Totally.

I mean, this ambition just keeps getting stomped down. No one likes your book. Big author says it's stupid. They're all turning it down and it doesn't sell. Think about what that can do to your psychology. Think about me now, saying I'm a writer after the book doesn't do well, after everyone turns it down, after they say, don't do it. Think about where that could have directed me. But your ambition is your own. And your ambition has to be free from all of that negativity. If that's a real ambition, you gotta own that ambition psychologically. I was a writer. I said I was a writer. I said I was a writer. On days I didn't write, I said I was a writer. On the days they all turned me down, I said I was a writer. When that guy who was a big name fancy writer who'd been on all the big shows, including Oprah, told me I was kind of crazy and I walked out of his office all dejected, I was still a writer. Sometimes what really gives us the greatest amount of motivation is when we got the guts to actually allow ourselves to tie some of our identity to what we were doing. And we're told not to do that because it can bring discouragement and heartache. But the counter intuitive things is high performers to a t. The top 15% who I interviewed, they said oh no, they were comfortable tying up their identity and what they were doing.

They were comfortable.

It didn't mean it always turned out great. It didn't mean they always felt great. But they were comfortable owning it, right? They were comfortable owning what they were doing. They owned that. And because they owned it, the motivation was there. Because you know when the motivation isn't there is when your ambitions are half ass. When you kind of want it, you kind of don't. And that's why you kind of work for it sometimes. And sometimes you kind of don't. Because psychologically you haven't allowed yourself to own the ambition to feel it inside and say, that's part of me. I'm gonna make that happen come hell or high water. I didn't care. The first book I said name me the next book. Name the next book, maybe the next book. It didn't matter to me. I was gonna keep on that ambition. Cause it was important to me. You've got ambitions important to you and your family and the people you're serving. And it doesn't matter what I say or the person to your left or right says, if you own that ambition, you pursue it and you pursue it with full heart. And when you pursue it with more heart, that ambition that keeps sparking over and over and over, you don't have to rev yourself up because it is you.

Foreign.

This is going to be one of those sessions where you go, got it. That the reason we do personal development, it's ultimately all about new ways of accessing self awareness, isn't it? That when we hear new ideas in personal development, maybe just a sweat, like a slight change in how we think about something or how we think about ourselves, life can change. Just one little subtle shift in how we think about a topic, in how we approach something in our life. Those subtle shifts can make a big difference. And this topic today is that we are talking about setting boundary. I am going to talk about how to think about this topic of boundaries. So we're going to be talking about on boundaries all day long. And I think you're going to be really amazed in the simple hour of how much you're going to cover and learn today in your own self awareness. In a way you probably haven't thought about boundaries before. Because what most people do when I say, you know the topic of setting boundaries, they immediately think of like I need to set boundaries with my family. I need to set boundaries with this jerk in my life. I need to set boundaries with. By the way, we'll talk about those things, but I'm going to elevate the conversation for you, if you'll forgive me. Go a little more advanced on this topic because I think that's the Power of Growth day. It's not only just hearing the common sense things, but maybe hearing a little more advanced approach to these topics. And I think that is the promise of today. So thank you for being here. Let's do some personal development work. We're talking about boundaries today and here's how I'm going to start with this. The most important boundaries you're ever going to set in your life are with yourself and what is acceptable with who you are. What is acceptable in how you conduct yourself. A boundary between the good self and the not so good self. A boundary between. Between the higher level of who you are versus the lower impulses. A boundary in your own sense of what is right and wrong and what you allow yourself. In other words, we're going to go into the conversation of standards that we allow in ourselves and in our lives. And I think when you think about a boundary, not just something between you and other person, but in your own mindset about what is allowed or not allowed. I think this could be a game changing conversation today. And I'm going to jump right into it because I don't want to like speak conceptually for you here. So let me talk about some important boundaries in your life. I'll talk about three huge internal boundaries. Then we'll talk about the standards that we allow in our life that may be really hurting us or accelerating us. First one, I think you guys are going to love this. So you can grab a screen grab. I wish I was prettier with my fancy camera, but here we go. I think you're like this one. The boundary of the fake self versus the real self. Take that screen grab. You got to get this. See this boundary and what you allow here and how you conduct yourself here. It matters, doesn't it? When I talk about setting boundaries, Very few people ever think about this one. Because when we talk about setting boundaries, we often feel victim to something. We feel like, oh well, someone's encroaching on my boundaries. We'll talk about that. But this is the one that causes the real damage when we blur the lines between who we authentically really are and how we are showing up to please or placate others, to minimize Ourselves. That's the boundary. How much do you cross this boundary? You want to talk about the quality of your life? How much do you cross this boundary right here? Think about this. How much, how often do you cross this boundary that can be the game changer in your life today.

When you.

Become aware of these two selves that we all have. The authentic, the authentic, the real, the vibrant self versus the face, the facade, the person we try to be for others, it's not really us. When we step outside of ourselves into a Persona of somebody else to please others, to fit in, to belong, to get love, this is the ultimate boundary that breaks our own integrity. This is the boundary that makes us miserable. And you have to decide at some point in your personal development that you don't cross this boundary as much anymore and at some day, not at all. And that is the ultimate work of personal development, isn't it? How easy it is to glide into conformity, to go from who we really are to suddenly acting out of character. I really believe breaking this boundary leads to most of the long term miseries in our life. Let me say it again. Breaking this boundary leads to most of the long term miseries in our life when we aren't honest about our real thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, hopes, aspirations. And instead we show up just to please others and to fit in. We minimize ourselves, we enlarge the falsehoods in our life and see, there is this thing of a boundary, right? There's a boundary between true and false, fake and real, authentic and inauthentic. I know we all might use different languages. I'm very aware that this is an international audience. I just think you've got to figure that out and get highly attuned to when that is happening. When people talk about mindfulness, they're often talking about, ooh, look at the flowers over there, let me notice the sensations in my body.

When they talk about mindfulness, they often.

Think of, let me just drink in this moment. But the most critical and important part of mindfulness is to know who you.

Are.

And who you are being in any given moment. Because I know a lot of people, they can appreciate the flowers all day long, but they're miserable because they're not being themselves. Listen, write this down. Boundaries are all about identity. Boundaries. The most important boundary you will ever set in your life is who are you, what's in that circle of who you are and what's outside of that. Who are you? Who are you not? In other words, just bringing back my little picture here, the fake self versus the real self. That's the ultimate boundary to be mindful of. When I cross that. Oh, it's so important. I know a lot of you out there, your influencers, your creators, your leaders, your caregivers, you know, and you can recognize how often you have to step into a role maybe you don't want to be in, or maybe you're in a situation where it you have to hold back a little of your own truth for decorum. You have to put on a shiny space and not freak out on your child. You have to calm yourself down because you want to scream at somebody. That's self regulation. That's okay. That's allowed. We have to do those things. What we are talking about is an enduring sense, an enduring recognition or mindfulness of how often we are crossing these boundaries. This is a conversation of frequency, isn't it? Because sometimes we have to do a certain behavior that is appropriate. We are going to talk about that later. Right now I want to shift your whole brain. Oh my God. Setting boundaries in my life is all about who am I, who am I really and am I showing up as that Consistently with intention, with joy, with flow. That is the thing we are actually talking about. Not just boundaries, about, you know, what you'll allow on your plate from others. It's about who you are. The more often you break this boundary, the more miserable you are. I really want you to capture that. I know you're kind of like you. Geez, Brendan, thanks for the personal development today. Can we get some dancing bears and balloons? Make this a little more entertaining. Dude, this is a little hard, but this is why you might be miserable. And I don't say that in any judgmental way. I've been there and I've coached thousands of people through this. We got to get you more on this side. We've got to be aware when we break a boundary, who we are, who we are not very key. You want to change your life. You also become vitally aware of this other internal boundary. And this is this one. Your old self versus your new self. You got to know what happens is you have these patterns or these habits, these ways of thinking that were shaped by others. You have this old identity and you have the new you. Who you are today as a conscious, intentional, living adult.

Right?

This is when you drop into your childhood fears and concerns. And this is when you are in the moment as an authentic conscious adult.

Right?

I know not everyone loves this language, but I think it's important. And I've had to say this, Listen Just for context, I know so many people are new into growth day here, but I have been coaching people one on one for 16 years of my life. 16 years I have worked with people from all walks of life, 100 plus countries. I have had the blessing of so many millions of people going through our programs and getting immediate feedback. But also I do this one on one with people for 16 years. And sometimes as a high performance coach, I have to push a little bit. I always say I'm paid to push. You know, I have to come sometimes jar people or help them see themselves or recognize something. And so I know not everyone will like this language that I'll use, but sometimes I'll say with a client, directly to them. I say, is that the high school self or is that you as a leader? And what I'm helping them recognize is this versus this. There is an old part of you or old set of patterns or habits or beliefs that you have to be aware that might not serve you. And they cannot break the boundary into the now. Who knows what I'm talking about? Anyone? Does this resonate with anyone?

I see. Okay, good.

You got to know when that boundary is broken up. My high school self just walked up into this room and smacked everybody in the face. You got to know. You got to know when you lose it. You got to know when that childish, smaller, older, less competent, less secure you shows up in the moment, breaks the boundaries of time. The time zone boundary just got broke, right? Time zones are a boundary of time, aren't they? That's what a time zone is. It's a boundary of time. And sometimes we allow that boundary to be broke with old thoughts, old beliefs, old insecurities, old selves that do not belong in this moment. And so I know not everyone likes it when I call you or call a client high school, because that's not really that kind. Because I knew a lot of kids in high school who were wise and centered and incredibly remarkable and spontaneous and creative and giving. That wasn't me just letting you. I just want to let you know people. Okay, so when I say it, what I mean is that childish, dramatic, overly selfish, you know, repugnant, like little high school kid that got all worked up and angry and had no emotional regulation, no connection with intention and vision. So maybe it's not appropriate to say that. I'm trying to give it to you as a metaphor though, is there? And that's why I like this language. Is there an old you that shows up once in a while and breaks the boundary into the now, if so, when does that happen? Let me share with you. One of the most important concepts in setting boundaries is to recognize when that happens. Same thing with this one. When do these breaks happen? What's the pattern there? Is it when you're under pressure? Is it when you're feeling defensive? Is it when someone judges you? Is it when someone doesn't comply? Is it when they insult you? Is it when you fail? Is it when you're feeling discouraged?

Right?

We all know this. It happens in our lives, right? Imagine the truth of how many of you ever have been on a diet or a new health program and you're like, I'm building a new self. I'm going to get pretty. I'm going to get, you know, in better shape. I'm going to do all these things. And then you have a bad day and you're three seasons into some Netflix show and you've murdered like 17 bags of chips and popcorn and two bottles of wine. You're like, oh my God. Well, something happened to make you break that boundary of the new self and the old self, isn't it? An old pattern of conditioning came back in and you went to a creature comfort versus a higher intention. You went to a creature comfort instead of a higher intention. You knocked out that conscious, willing, forward looking part of you and you went into coping zone and you might have went into an old coping zone. I got to know my old coping zones versus my new coping zones. The way I used to cope might not be appropriate in this relationship, in this career, in this role, with this person. Are you guys geeking about this? I love personal development for this conversation. It's a new way of looking at things. Sometime ago. Oh yeah, man. I never thought about a boundary as something internally that I'm breaking between old self and new self, fake self and real self and dialing when that happens. This is why I really want to encourage every single one of you. Please, please, please make sure you are.

Going into your growth day app and.

Using the journal to capture what is going on in each of your days, to capture your feelings, to capture when you break a boundary, to capture how you wish you would have shown up, led, performed, interacted or communicated. Your journal is the most important part of growth day in my perspective because the breakthrough you might be getting here, you get that every day when you reflect about yourself and you see, when did that happen? When did I go backwards? When did I break the time zone here of old self, new self? What caused me to cope that old way versus this way. It's in thinking about it that we discover ourselves. It's in self reflection that we discover our future self. It's in self reflection that we discover our future self. This is the power of journaling. This can be your day for personal growth.

This can be that day you committed to.

You remember, you go, that was the day I got myself a community. I got better coaches. I committed to making my life the.

Absolute best that I could.

This is that day.

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