Matt, diagnosed with ADHD six years ago, struggles with focus in his new coaching business and his 24-year marriage. Brendan suggests the real problem isn't discipline but a disconnected sense of purpose, and prescribes a daily morning ritual of meditating on why the relationship and role matter to organize his focus.
Questions this video answers
Six years ago (adult diagnosis).
Medication, meditation, improving sleep, and adjusting his environment.
Married for 24 years (together for 29 years).
A 19-year-old son and a 17-year-old daughter.
About 2.5 years ago.
Chapters
I was officially diagnosed with ADHD as an adult six years ago. And so I know I've had it all my life. I'm curious if you have any tips or words of advice for someone whose brain doesn't work like everybody else's?
Yes.
I mean, distraction is a huge problem. Discipline is a huge problem. Focus is a huge problem. What? What do you got?
I got it. Give us Jeff. Was it Jeff? Give him round of applause. So good.
I'm gonna come out here.
Nice meeting you, man.
Somebody take a picture of me.
Matt, good job. I bet someone has a phone. Nice meeting you, man. Now, you talked to a doctor?
Yes, I have.
Tell me what they told you.
So they can hear me. They said that I have adult adhd? Yes.
And what do they suggest to you?
I take medication for it.
Okay.
And also try to meditate and get more sleep and better sleep and things like that, adjust my environment. But that's. That doesn't work.
Do you have family?
Yes, I do.
I. What do you got?
I have a wife and a 19 year old son and a 17 year old daughter.
How's your relationship with them?
Oh, with my kids, it's great. The last two years with my wife has been rough. We've been married for 24 years, together for 29. Wow. I started.
It's amazing. Absolutely. It's amazing.
I started my business. I'm a speaker and a coach and.
Awesome.
I started my business two and a half years ago. Gross household income, whenever that happened, went to a third of what it was the day before. That's put a magnifying glass on other things of our, on our relationship. So sure. This morning's talk was phenomenal.
Thanks, man.
Can't wait to get home. I got the golden ticket.
Look, look who's going to show your framework to your partner or spouse when you go, hey, look at this. So let's talk about the focus, let's talk about the discipline. Let's talk about the distraction. Who in the room does not have diagnosed adhd, but also focus, distraction, discipline is a major issue for you. Can you look around the room? Okay, my people, let's. And by the way, first and foremost, please recognize the number of people who raised your hands. Would you all raise your hands again? This is the human condition. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. You beat yourself up expecting to be amazing. So when you see a sea of people from 40 countries raise their hand and go, oh, I too have focus and discipline, it's hard for me. I want you to Feel good about that. I want you to go, oh, man, I'm really hard on myself. No breakthrough is gonna come from more judgment. No breakthrough's gonna come through more judgment. What the breakthrough is gonna come from is another level of self, love and demand. Now, many of us in our lives, who's ever had a sudden demand placed on you and you kicked for, like, weeks now, keep your hand high. If you are also one prone to lack of discipline and focus, but you still kicked. That was necessity. That's demand. We need something bigger than our impulses to keep us focused. We need something bigger than how we feel to keep us disciplined. When we talk about service and we talk about dreams, we talk about mission, the truth of that really is we need that North Star to get us out of our funks. We need that North Star to get us out of bed. We need that North Star and a connection to it to organize ourselves. I don't think we have to solve. I have a focus problem. Because you know what? I bet your focus problem is one reason your clients think this guy's pretty creative. I bet you come up with a lot of different solutions and tools and frameworks that help people.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Like, you're good at weird.
It's a wonderful thing. Now, what we just have to do is have that. Why? That thing that's gonna organize you. And I think you told us a little about it. You know, transformation often starts with truth. And what's the truth that will happen if you don't handle this a little better? Because it sounds like we're already having some repercussions.
Oh, yeah.
What do you think that. What is that ultimate truth? That you don't want to happen. That would. If we don't get this handled a.
Little better, oh, I'm gonna lose my college sweetheart who took my breath away the first time I met her. It's scary.
So with that emotion, now tell me why you're not gonna let that happen.
I guess because I can't.
Why aren't you, like, why won't you let it happen?
Why won't I let.
What's so important about her and you two?
She's all I've ever known. I was 19 years old, and we, despite my best efforts, raised two amazing kids. I'm not sure how we did that, but I tried like hell to screw them up, but it didn't work.
Who wants to hang out on Saturday night with Matt? Sometimes discipline, sometimes distraction is really a disconnection on a daily basis of what matters. We're creating weird shit, but not saying what's important for me today to ensure I don't screw up this relationship and this life. What matters today? What matters today? Not what big ideas, what matters today for me to save this thing, for me to contribute to this thing. Because that why Listen, all everybody in this room, you had a demand on yourself. And the hardest thing about high performers and coaches, especially those who are creative, either that demand gets put on us or we have to find and access that demand with purpose. Service, saving a relationship, being a better role model for the kids. I'm not so worried about you being distracted during the day. I'm worried about you having disconnected mornings from what matters. I need you to have that morning of connection with what matters. I need you to sit there and carve the time to go. Let me meditate on why I love her so much, on why I will fight for her so much and why I'll be a good role model for these kids. Because you're the one who has to put that demand on yourself. Not fear it will happen over here, but to put the demand on ourselves in the morning. And it's not comfortable because no one loves that demand. But if you don't put it on yourself on the daily, you lose the week. And then you say, I'm unfocused. Nah, you didn't put the demand on yourself on the daily. It's why even me, a very unfocused guy, I have that card. Who needs me on my A game. I look at that every day before I work. Who needs me on my A game. And I know if I'm not in my A game, people get hurt, My family gets hurt, my team gets hurt. And I won't let that happen. And I feel that emotion, that strength in you. You won't let it happen either. You won't let it happen. Not if you touched it every day, not if you did what we just did, not if you go, I will not lose her. She means the world to me. These kids who I didn't screw up, God bless them, let me earn them now. Because you know what? Maybe they're so good to make you start earning them now.
Absolutely.
So now tell me with that, Matt, you're my coach. I'm his coach. I'm Brendan.
Hi, Brendan. I'm Matt.
Matt, I'm struggling with daily discipline and focus. I got all this weird going on and I've done my best to screw up some relationships and, man, I don't. I don't know what I should do. What do you think I should do? What would you tell me to do? From your heart? Not what I said, from your heart. From your heart. Tell me.
I would ask you, what do you really want? And make sure that you know what that is? And then I would say, okay, how are you going to get that? What is it going to take? And if you've identified these things that are getting in your way, who can support you, who can help you? What structures can you put in place?
And what if you tell me all that and I don't do it? But what do I do then? You got it.
Well, what we just discussed, get focused in the morning so that you focus on the day so you don't lose the week, which is pretty powerful statement.
Welcome here a minute. So hold that microphone up for you. Let's walk. Yeah, just hold it.
Oh, okay.
We're walking and talking now. Matt, I'm your buddy. We're gonna go out on Saturday. Cool. And Matt, we're friends. And I'm gonna tell you my relationship's in the are a little bit buddy. And it's not going so good at work, you know?
Yeah.
What do I need to do.
You know? Well, Brendan, what do you want to do? Do you. I mean, if it's not going good at work?
Is it.
Is it work if it's not going good at home? Do you want to be with her? Is that important?
She's the most important.
Well, then you're gonna have to fight for her.
Let's go, let's go, let's go. It's Matt, ladies and gentlemen. You got it. That was it.
