When to Quit on Someone (or Leave a Bad Relationship!)

This was a difficult episode, but we're going to approach a question that I'm asked like all the time, and that is, Brendan, when do I know when it's time to quit on somebody? You know, often these comments, someone's asking that because they're in a relationship and they don't know is it time to break up? Or they've hired somebody and they've given them four or five tries at work and they're. They're not performing. How many chances do you give another person before you say, hey, look, this isn't working? Whether it's in relationship or at work or someone you're mentoring? That's a difficult discussion. So today we're going to get into it. I'm going to give you some five ideas about how to think through all of that. And we'll go in some difficult areas of life that we all face in the real world of our relationships. And so I'm going to hit you right off the bat with a difficult one. But it's really at the heart of many questions I do receive online. You know, now after what, I don't know, 50 million video views on, you know, YouTube and our websites in this last year, you know, millions and millions of downloads of our podcast, the Charge Life, you know, all our blogs and everything else, I get a lot of difficult questions. And often there's a story with them. And it's led to this first piece of advice. I have the time to quit on somebody, hands down as harsh it might sound, is straightforward and honest. And that's when there's any abuse. When there's abuse in a relationship, you quit, period. You owe no loyalty to abusive people, period. That's the time you got to get out. And that's where a lot of these questions come from. You know, there's a lot of domestic violence in the world. There's a lot of, you know, women who are treated very, very poorly and often physically beaten up by their husbands, by their partners or spouses, their lovers, and it's a bad, bad deal. And often these women or these folks who are being abused do not get the straightforward answer. And the straightforward answer is, if you're being abused physically, quit, period. Leave that person, get out of that relationship, get the out of somewhere safe. Go to your parents house, if they're safe, go to friends house. But you need to exit not a month from now, not three months from now. It needs to be immediate and it needs to be swift, and it has to be with bold precision. You need to plan it and do it. And you need to do it sooner than later. And that's so hard to tell people because, you know, we have this often misaligned thought in our head about loyalty. Well, if I leave this person, then, you know, I'll never be loved. Or if I leave this person, it's unfair to them because they hung out with me and I'm a piece of crap. We make up these stories to validate people's injustice to us sometimes, and at an abuse level, we can't do that. And I know your heart's in the same place as mine in hearing this, and it's difficult to do, but you have to do it. If anyone is being verbally or physically abusive with you on a consistent basis, get out. And you don't need to wait for consistency. Over a year or two or three, you're talking about one or two times and you got to go. You have to remember there's 7 billion people on the planet. There's going to be someone who's going to treat you better. There's going to be somebody who you can trust. There's going to be somebody who you know might not come into your life until you create the white space of getting rid of the. The bad folks so the good folks can come in again. And it's necessary. And I hope you just hear me. If you're in a abusive situation, please leave sooner than later. It's always going to be the better decision to leave sooner than later. Plan it out, find that place of support and go now. Not everybody who asked me this question is coming from that dire of a situation, and so I'll continue on from them, but I just want to be honest and serious with it. There's a lot of people, a lot of organizations to help with that. If you are in that situation, please look up a domestic abuse center around you, look up some help and support online, or get it from family or friends, but for your own sanity, your own safety, and those around you, get out of that situation. Number two is let's take it from a different perspective now. Assuming we've handled the abuse thing, let's talk about everyday relationships where that's not there. But you're like, I don't know, should I stay or should I not? One indicator is after you've had repeated failed discussions with somebody, that means first and foremost, we're assuming you've had the discussion with somebody, you've told them what you think, what you feel, what you desire, what you want in life, and you've done it more than once. Because a lot of people, they just. They never share with someone until, you know, internally. They've built up so much hate and anger and bitterness, they explode on the person. And then they walk out. And the other person never even knew what was going on. You need to give time for people to adjust. And it usually doesn't happen after one request. There has to be repeated discussions, not just repeated requests. Here's what I mean. A lot of people, when they're in a relationship and something goes wrong, they say, I don't like that. Do abc. And they just demand from the other person, expect the other person's gonna change, but they don't ask the person how they feel and what they think and what they want and what they desire and what their actions are. And relationships aren't like, you're over here and they're over there. Relationships are like this. You're connected. And so you have to understand each other in whole. And so a discussion means, honey, I'd like to talk about what's been going on. And I know we're both frustrated, and we both know it could be better. And in this situation, I saw this and I felt that way. Could we talk about that? What did you see? What did you feel? What would you like to happen? Here's what I'd like to happen. Can we make an agreement on this? It's a discussion, and you just can't bail on somebody if there's never been a discussion about your truth, if there's never been a request about what you need, and if you've never opened your ears to what their truth is and what their request is. Too many people follow this train of weird, psycho sort of analysis, super crazy positivity. We're in a world today where everyone says, well, you know, it's just like if you're around negative people, just bail on them. Just find somebody new. And I'm like, actually, if it's a real meaningful relationship and there's no abuse, but there's just misunderstanding all the time. When you have this place of misunderstanding all the time, first begin through dialogue to try and fix it. You can't bail on all your family members or bail on all your friends or anybody who inconveniences you or upsets you or thinks dangerous differently than you. The world is full of people who think differently than you. So don't bail on every person or every conversation that you don't like just because it's uncomfortable. Instead, open up dialogue and have real discussions. And if you've had multiple real discussions, made multiple real requests, and the person is just not engaging the conversation anymore. They're stonewalling. You're in a difficult place. That might be the time to consider either getting support externally, seeing a therapist together, or it's done. And if you need some advice or guidance on this, I would recommend that you read a book called the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I'm not endorsing everything that the person does. This is not something I'm sponsored or paid to recommend that. I think it gives people some basic premises of understanding what science has proven about great relationships and really bad ones, what leads to a long term, healthy marriage and what leads to immediate divorce. Like, you should know these things. So read the book. And also just realize you're going to have to have those discussions. It's going to have to be honest and real and people are going to start to be opening. Otherwise, if you got someone who's stonewalling all the time, if you can't get through them to have a discussion about the challenges and issues at hand, that thing's on, on its way out. I think the third big thing is repeated neglect. Repeated neglect. If you're in a relationship and someone just never takes care of you, if they neglect your requests, if they neglect your feelings, if they neglect your reality, if they just never take care of you, that's not a relationship, that's not a friendship. If you're. If somebody at work keeps neglecting to do the job that you've given them, right, that's a violation too. And when you see that over and over and someone just neglects your requests, neglects their job, neglects the responsibilities to you, your family, your kid, your team. And they're always in this repeated neglect. And you made the request, you tried to course correct. You've given the feedback. That's that. Three strikes and you're out, baby. Period. I'm telling you, too many people let neglect happen for too many years. And now it's a decade of a bad marriage where they never listened. A decade of a team member who never contributed the team. And that's just causing hardship on everybody. And there's no reason let them go find a place where they want to engage if they're not engaging in your relationship or on your team. Sigh. And Nora, three strikes, you're out. Next up. I know this is. You're like, boy, this is really motivating, Brennan. You're waiting for like the dancing bears to appear soon. But this is a hard Topic. And that's what we always take on the charge life. That's why I talk about fear and disappointment and honoring the struggle. Because this is real life, right? This one's important. After repeated lies, there's one thing called neglect. Where someone just doesn't do what they're supposed to do, doesn't take care of you, is inattentive. And then there's outright bold lying where people just keep lying over and over and over. You give feedback, you catch them, you ask for the change. They say a little change. They don't. They promise they'll not do this, but they do. And as soon as this happens over and over and over. Look, it shouldn't take a thousand repeated lies for you to get the hint that you're dealing with a liar, period. That's part of who they are in that relationship, in that situation, or in that segment of life that they are in. And you know what? Sometimes the best thing you can do with a liar is cut them free. So they realize, oh my gosh, there's real consequences for my lying. So that they can go out and about, find their own truths in life so they can go out and about, see the wreckage that they're creating, so they can just get away, discern something, and maybe then they can come back. But if someone's always lying, I'm telling you, you're not a truth caster. You're not going to shift them by sheer hope, nor will. And so please understand, if you're dealing with somebody who's repeatedly lying, that's a time to protect yourself. You don't need to be around that. And. And there's lots of other people who are supportive out in the world that will surprise you with their honesty and their vulnerability and their generosity. The world is full of majority, extraordinarily great, capable, caring, empathetic people. The world is not as full of narcissists and sociopaths as television would think have you think. And so you have to say, okay, most of the world's pretty good. I'm dealing with maybe somebody. They're not a bad apple all the time, but maybe in this situation or this little season of their life, they are. And you don't need to be in that season. You know, that's why sometimes in relationships, you know what, you're not a friend with somebody for a while, and then they come around three, four, five years ago later and you see, they change. They're more honest and they've transformed. That's great. But you don't have to be along the journey of every step of their transformation to become an honest person. And so that's one time you might be thinking about cutting that person loose. And then last, and I know you know this, and this is the number one reason people quit jobs, is because of no appreciation. If you've been in a relationship long enough and you said, hey, look, I don't feel appreciated and they don't respect you. They don't appreciate what you do, the cook and the dinner. They don't appreciate who you are, the love and the heart and the hard work. They don't appreciate what you're giving at work. And you're just around a place where there's never any gratitude and never any respect. Appreciation of you as an individual contributor, as an individual person, but also appreciation for your efforts. Then it's like, okay, I'm just not appreciated here. Let me go somewhere where I will be appreciated. Not just so you can have validation, because the ego says, I want lots of people to give me standing ovations, but rather because, you know what, if you're really giving and you can be honest about it, you're giving from a place of true service, not from a place that just says, I want to be recognized and I want to be validated and I want to get rewards. But a place of like, this is, look, I'm really giving here. I'm really putting effort in. I'm really trying. I'm really being honest and serving. And they don't appreciate it with either. Some type of acknowledgement, recognition, reward, kindness, opening doors for you, something, paying you more, whatever. If you're just not getting that and you ask for it, you tell them, say, hey, I feel like I'm doing all these things. I'm not feeling appreciated. What else can we do here? And you have those multiple discussions, but ultimately those discussions fall apart. But ultimately they lie to you, but ultimately they continue to neglect your needs. Then it is time to move on, my friend, have heart. The world is full of so many extraordinary people. If you're surrounded by a bunch who aren't that way, then it's time to find a new environment. It's time to build that which you're lacking. If you're lacking a positive environment, go create a positive environment and start letting go of those who just will never come around or who are in a bad season of their life. And because you don't have to be there for everybody, what you have to be there for ultimately is your life. You, those you are responsible for, that you care for. But at the end of the day, if they are abusive or they are lacking in all these areas we've talked about, time to take that hint. Time to realize it's time to move on. Let them go. Doesn't mean that they can't change and maybe come back. But your job is not to usher everybody through to perfection. Life, the world's full of great people. Believe that. Trust in that. Connect with them again. Create that white space of freedom so good people can come back into your life again and you experience what we call the charged life. Hey my friend, it's Brendan. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Do me two favorite favors. Number one, subscribe to this channel so that you continue to get updates every time I release new training for you. And number two, if you would like to get ahead a little faster in life, what I'd like to do is give you my 10 steps to achieving anything 10 times faster. So if you have a big goal, a big dream, a big mission in life, and you just like to achieve it faster, what would you need to do? You know, this is exactly what I keep next to my computer or next to my bed. And every time I have a big dream, a big goal, I open it up and I kind of use this as my checklist to get ahead faster. Because you and I both know if you're going to be more effective or more productive or you are going to achieve your goals and your dreams faster, you're going to have to switch your perspective a little bit on achievement itself. You have to adopt new thinking patterns and habits. You're going to have to have new daily rituals and habits. And your entire approach to learning and skill development must be better. So in order to help you do that, just go ahead and click the link in this post or go to brendon.com 10x that's Brendan B-R E N D O n.com 10x and you can download this this guide for free. Just tell me your name and email. I'm happy to email that to you for free. The same guide I use to achieve any goal or dream faster. Thanks for tuning in. Until I see you next time. Go out there every single day of your life. Live fully, love openly, and make your difference today.