Coach Raphael Djine, a pastoral counselor, argues that choosing the wrong spouse is a primary reason people fail in life. He draws from counseling cases to show how abuse in marriage breaks the covenant of love and respect, trapping people in stress, illness, and lost purpose. He urges those in toxic partnerships to leave rather than endure ongoing harm.
Chapters
Okay, number 15: wrong selection of a mate in marriage. Wrong selection of mate in marriage. You know, I'm— for most of you, you know I'm missionary, I do pastoral work and all that, so I counsel a lot of people. I used to tell people, you know what, when you marry, it's for life. And, you know, you have to be with the person for all the rest of your life. I mean, I remember I was counseling one lady, and the husband was actually beating her so bad. Every other day, I mean, she would come out with the eye just almost out. She almost lost her eye. And, you know, we would tell her, you know what, it's a marriage. It's, you know, you signed for, you know. And God don't want us to do this. Like, today, with my knowledge, I would say, run! Run with your life! Go ask for divorce before the person. The agreement was to love and cherish the person, not to be beating the person and abuse the person verbally, emotionally, and all that. So the foundation was— agreement was violated already. Therefore, there's no marriage. I have one very close person to me. They have kids, and then the husband entered into some kind of, you know, mystical stuff. First of all, they have daughters. The husband was sleeping with the daughters, with her own kids, and this lady knew it. She couldn't say anything. The husband was doing weird things in the house and all that. I mean, I'm talking about little kids. 5 years old, that their dad is sleeping with them. The woman was traumatized. Get verbally abused and all kind of stuff. And you know, we would say, you know what, it's a marriage, you know, you commit to it. Let's pray that God will help. No! Get out of it. What I'm saying is that If you are not married yet, make sure you think about who you married. You marry the wrong person, you fail because of that person. I see men that work so hard, but when they get home, it's like they just enter into the battlefield. That's not what you want to sign for. The home is this— is your shelter. It's a safe place. You must have a wife there. And I see women that work so hard, when they get home, it's just like they just entered the ring with Mike Tyson. I mean, I saw some talented women, they were brilliant in school, and they married the wrong guy, and the guy crushed them from inside out. It's as if they had been broken. The self-esteem is gone. They even they feel like less than a human being. Wrong man. The marriage should bring value. You should bring value to your husband and the husband bring value to you. You guys should build each other and not destroy each other. I see people that abandon them their dream. They don't want to even do anything again because they are tired, tired of argument with the husband, with the wife. The wife become like the judge. Every day you have to— then she have to cross-examine you. If you load the voice when she come around you, you are talking to a woman. If you stop talking when she walk around, you are doing something wrong. All kind of stuff. Anybody who talk to you must trying to sleep with you, or you are trying to sleep with the person. Vice versa. Some men does this and some women. Wrong partner. Wrong partner. It's better to be alone. They have a wrong partner. It's, I mean, it's just something, don't pick anybody lightly. So, if you pick a wrong partner, you may fail. I mean, I saw it, brilliant people, you know, today they are so obese, they don't, I mean, they even got addicted to so many stuff because of the level of stress. The thing is that when you are constantly under stress, it doesn't matter how small it is. In the course of time, it destroys you. If you're in a house with me and I'm smoking and blow the smoke on you, for 10 years you can have cancer. It doesn't matter how positive you are and how good you are. Remember, we talked about our environment. Bad environment. Environment that just produces negativity, negativity. You'd rather sleep in a warehouse than come home. You come home and park the car in the garage and break the chair and go to sleep first before you walk upstairs. Wrong partner. And if you are in that type of marriage, if the marriage is taking your life, if the marriage is giving you sickness, get out of it. Get out of it. The agreement—I never hear a pastor who marry two people and say, "You know, you guys swear that you guys gonna harm each other so bad until you move the person out of this earth." No, none of the pastors says that, ever says that. Is that I'm bringing you guys together so you guys can love and share and forgive each other and love each other. Until death put you apart. Agreement. So when it change, there's no marriage anymore. And you don't beat people you love. You don't beat people you love. Matter of fact, if somebody start beat you, you think that is love? No. You don't abuse. You don't abuse verbally. You don't abuse physically. physically. You don't abuse emotionally. Just do things so they can suffer. You don't pull what it is from them, just to make them suffer.
