Common Inner Child Wounds for WoC

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hey. Hey, girl. It is me, your coach, your dating coach, Amar White. And I wanted to come on here and talk a little bit about some inner childhood wounds, honey. Because I know you've heard me talk about inner childhood wounds on this podcast, maybe on my TikTok or IG, and you're like, girl, what is that? What are you talking about? What are these wounds? I had an episode about this, I want to say, maybe a year and a half ago about inner child wounds, but I wanted to expand upon it because I know that this is not something that we talk about a lot and that we need to talk about it, and we need to talk about it in detail. And this podcast is all about leveling up and getting educated, or edgemicated, as we like to say, on these things, right? So that we can do the work and get into the best relationship of our lives. But it requires us to grow and to learn about ourselves to be able to do so. Okay? So if you've ever found yourself disconnected from boyfriends, husband, partners, and that's happening in most any and all relationships that you're in, if you're having the same fight over and over and over again, it's probably time to heal those inner childhood wounds, girl. Now, I want to let you know, I've been a dating coach and a relationship coach for 13 years now. And one of the things that I have seen quite a bit is that, you know, most people want to learn how to communicate better. They want to feel connected, they want to feel closer. They want to be understood. These things matter. But the best way that I can help them to really create healthy relationships is to address the deeper wounds, the wounds that came in childhood long before you've met your boyfriend, your husband, your partner. These are the wounds that have us reacting in very habitual ways and even subconsciously, as many of you know already, these wounds impact our nervous system and really our ability to communicate. And until we process our past and create new meanings and narratives, we're just going to project these past wounds onto our partners. And that's why me, as a dating coach, it's not for me to tell you text him this so that he can do that or me really support matchmakers because there's deeper work that needs to be done. Girl, a matchmaker can bring an amazing guy in front of you, but if you still have your inner childhood wounds that you got to deal with, you're going to create disconnection in that relationship and it's never going to work out. Why do I say that? I say that because oftentimes we'll expect our partners to meet our childhood unmet needs. But that's. That's something that no adult can really do for us.

We have to do it for ourselves. And by reflecting our own, like childhood wounds and really delving into them, we can have more empathy for ourselves, more awareness, and really understand ourselves in such a deeper level as well as our partners. What does that mean? That means that we can stop blaming them, stop shaming them, and realize that we have subconscious beliefs and ideas and perspectives that we are created long before we met them, and we can begin to do our inner work to really heal from the past. So I say all that because I want to go into six common inner childhood wounds that I think will be really important for you to clarify for yourself.

To do this work. And if you need help really delving into them, please know I'm always here to help you. You can definitely book a consultation call with me. The link will be in the show notes or on the getyourguy.com getyourguycoaching.com website. And we can do this work together. Okay, so the first of six common inner childhood wounds is the suffocation wound. And this is where if you've had an overbearing parent or parental figure who controlled or micromanaged you, what does that look like? That looks like, you know, having you over scheduled and all the activities and all of the sports was coaches of your sport, the sports that you were in. That's a suffocation wound. What happens is that as an adult, what will happen is that you're going to get easily triggered when you start to feel this way again, and you're going to view your partner as being smothering or too needy or weak. I see this a lot for my clients who have a suffocation wound. What will happen is that they'll be talking to a guy and then that guy will want to help and give strategies, will give different ways to do something differently so that you can feel better and your suffocation wound will come out. And you think that they're trying to control you or micromanage you, when in reality, they're just trying to help and give you potential paths that you can go forward and do. So if that is your wound, girl, we're going to have to delve into it. Okay. All right, let's talk. Oh, I just want to say this thing about suffocation wounds for guys, because guys have a lot of suffocation wounds as well. And how this will look is if you're asking for a lot, they're going to want to step away, because oftentimes what happens is that their mothers, especially if they were brought up in single mother households, will actually use them as a surrogate partner and they'll feel totally controlled. So any sort of commitment, any sort of emotional responsibility is going to feel totally out of control for them and they're going to want to step away. So please realize that a lot of men have the suffocation wound. A lot of us call it intimacy issues, but there are deeper core wounds there that are important for you to understand and if you are to kind of navigate individuals with these wounds. Okay. The second wound that I want us to talk about is the explosion wound. What does this mean? So when you're growing up and there is conflict in the home and it creates explosions that feel scary or overwhelming, this is what I'm talking about, explosion wound. So if your parents fought, like, violently or were yelling a lot, and you just felt completely powerless and out of control, this is probably an explosion wound. What happens, though, with your explosion wound is that now as an adult, you will feel safe by just avoiding conflict at all costs. And ultimately what that's going to do is leave your partner feeling abandoned and rejected. What does this mean? It means we got to work on our boundaries in the moment. We got to work on speaking up. And here's the thing. Being avoidant is a. It's. It's a boundary, but it's a passive aggressive boundary. And we got to learn how to do it differently because what will happen is your partner, the person that you're dating, is going to feel very insecure around you when you're always in avoidance to keep yourself safe. So part of this work is allowing yourself to feel safe as an adult in your grown woman status so that you don't feel in fear all the time like you did when you were a kid, even when there is conflict. And having the emotional and communication skills to be able to navigate that, to resolve conflict is going to be super important here. Okay. All right, so let's talk about the third wound. The third wound is the anxiety wound. So this is when, like when you're in the home when you're growing up and no one knows how to manage their own emotions, right? Especially in conflict or disagreements. And that often can send you in some sort of shame spiral or fear spiral. And unfortunately, as people of color, many of our parents didn't have the skills to manage their emotions, maybe in the world, but when they came home, they kind of raged and just let so much out. And unfortunately, talking specifically about our parents here, us as the kids, we had to bear the burden of that.

So what happens when you have that anxiety wound is that you immediately want to fix everything, hash it out, make sure everyone is okay, keep the peace, as I say, right? And what that looks like in a dating situation or a relationship is that you're going to give your partner no space, even if they need it, even if they request it, because you just want to fix. You want to be there, you want to make sure everything's cool, everything is okay. This happens a lot for many of my clients who have this wound. And I, I got to tell them all the time, girl, you need to step back, you need to give them space for these guys to come to you. Right? It's not, it's not for you to fix. They can fix things as well for themselves and for the relationship, and we have to give them space to do that. Right.

So many people out there are fixers doing way too much in our masculine energy, and we don't have to do that. Okay. All right, number four in our six part series, here is the neglect wound. And this is where you've had parental figures that were, again, emotionally unavailable and uninterested in you as a person, which can feel so true for so many of us. But also, like when you're. When I'm thinking about dating and relationships, it's like when your partner is busy or their attention is elsewhere, you get triggered and you feel like you're being abandoned again, even when you know that they're there and that they love you. Okay, so let's talk about this parental figure treatment of feeling emotionally unavailable and uninterested. What will happen? And I did a consult recently, and this woman said, you know, when I was growing up, I felt like my parents, Peter. Yeah, they fed me, they clothed me, right. They gave me a place to sleep, but that was it. And that really made me sad to hear that. It made me sad to hear that because I think that she actually represented it Quite beautifully and that so many of us actually felt that way often because there was no emotional connection. It was like they were doing all of these things based on obligation, not because they wanted to. So if you felt that way, please understand that that might have been a neglect wound. Now as an adult, we're always feeling triggered, we're always feeling abandoned here. And here's a good understanding of if you have this neglect wound. If you are talking with someone, chatting with them, being courted by a guy and he doesn't message you one day, if you feel like the world is over, you don't want to talk to him again. He doesn't love you. We probably got a neglect wound going on. Yeah. Okay.

Let'S talk about this fifth wound, girl. It's all about the golden wounds. Now for us overachieving, smart and successful individuals, this is going to be your tea, girl. Don't mind the background noise, girl.

So if you were a golden child growing up, got the good grades, star student, star athlete, you became a source of your parents self worth. And when what that means is that when you are not constantly praised for what you do, or for example, you have as an adult a more independent partner, you're going to feel unworthy, you're going to feel like you're not good enough and you're going to expect your partner to see you as perfect. This is going to be especially true for if you grew up in an immigrant household or you are a first generation college student. Yeah.

When you're dating, what I've seen happen a bit too is that you start to have this superiority complex. I'm amazing, I'm the best. And you put yourself on this pedestal in an unhealthy way where you're feeling like everybody is shit. Please understand that you might be given that golden child golden wound that is not going to help you. And that you have to also realize that you are more than what you do and what you achieve. You're amazing because you are that you're being, not that you're doing again. You're a human being, you're not a human doing. So if that is your case, girl, you got a golden wound that we gotta, we gotta heal from. Okay. All right. Let's talk about the last inner childhood wound that I see quite a bit. Yeah. And these are wounds that we don't really talk about that much, but I think it's important to talk about because it's probably one of your wounds, girl. No shade. Okay, so this is the lone wolf wound. And this Is when, for example, you've never witnessed teamwork in the household or people that are finding solutions in the home. What does this look like? It looks like your mom doing everything and your dad doing nothing. Right. Because what that means and what the model is for you is that you're gonna have to do everything and you're gonna have to be hyper independent and that you can't rely on anyone.

That's an issue, especially men. Yeah.

If you struggle to consider your partner's needs or wants, or if compromise feels strange and foreign to you, you might have a lone wolf wound, girl.

For example, if the more they push for a compromise, the more you fantasize about being alone and not wanting to compromise, girl, you got that lone wolf wound. Why? Because I know that you probably feel like if I compromise on this thing, I'm gonna have to compromise for everything, and I'd rather just do it myself instead of have the hope that somebody's gonna actually be there for me and that I can rely on somebody. Okay. Hyper independence, girl. This happens so often, especially for, quote, unquote, that strong black woman. Our mothers had to do it, Our grandmothers had to do it, and we have to do it. So we don't even allow ourselves to be in a position to even be in a partnership or want to compromise.

So that is the lone woe. So email me at amoretyourguycoaching.com or DM me on IG or TikTok and let me know what were your wounds, girl? Yeah. Because here's the thing. Identifying our inner childhood wounds can help us mature and take responsibility for ourselves, for our beliefs, for our actions. It allows us to understand that those inner childhood wounds within us, that they still hurt and are acting out, acting a fool. And our fear of trusting others and somebody else, it's derived from these wounds. And rather than projecting our pain onto our partners, we can face our inner childhood wounds ourselves and begin to process them. That's what I do on my program. So if you need help doing that, definitely book a call. So we can do that. Here's the thing. We can look at a conflict, whether it's over the dishes, whether it's not calling, and we can think it's about the dishes or not calling, but it's really about you never feeling considered since childhood. And doing that deeper work can free you, can allow you to separate the inner child within you from the grown woman that you are now. Yeah. With this awareness, you can make choices from your adult self. We can remind ourselves that Our partner isn't our parent and we are no longer a helpless child.

Our partner is a different person and we can relate to them in different ways. We can interpret their actions in new ways rather than painting them into a parental figure who who couldn't see us or understand us. We can have open conversations with our partner about their own wounds and work together to create mutual healing. This is what it's like to be an adult in love. Yeah. So you gotta let me know girl, are you working on these inner childhood wounds? Are you just dating without getting clarity on these? Because if you are, we gotta do it a different way. Okay, again, let me know. Email me at amoretyourguycoaching.com or DM me on TikTok or IG and let me know what your wounds were are and if you are working on them. And as always, if you need help with this, I'm here to help you. So definitely book a consultation call so I can help you either in the get your guy club or in the VIP program. I hope this episode has helped you get some clarity on this because without this, you'll never be successful in dating and in relationship. Trust and believe. Alrighty. I say that with love and respect. Be well my loves, and I'll talk with you soon.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Talk soon.